Willingness in Recovery: What To Do When You Don’t Want to Stop Acting Out in Sex and Love Addiction

In recovery circles, willingness to change is a necessary part of leaving behind destructive patterns of sex and love addiction to experience freedom.  Sometimes willingness comes easily.  For example, if you are married and your spouse discovers your addiction, that often creates a push to change as you work to heal your relationship.  You may be experiencing real consequences of your addiction, like an arrest or the dissolution of friendships.  Or you’re early in the process of recovery and motivated to put in the hard work of change.

But as time goes on, you might notice your willingness fading.  You might miss the dopamine rush you got when you were acting out.  Or you’ve ended your relationship with your partner, which removes that motivation to change.  Perhaps you’re feeling shame about your behaviors, and the easiest way you know how to self-medicate shame is with more acting out.

Maybe you relapse, getting caught back up in the cycle of acting out.  Perhaps the boundaries you know you need to put in place to help you along the path to recovery seem way too hard to implement. 

You could be struggling with the cost of recovery, recognizing the extent to which your life may have to change.  Sometimes the work involved in the process recovery leads to a feeling of weariness and a desire to just give up. 

Regardless of reason, it is common to see willingness ebb and flow in the process of recovery.  Instead of viewing your lack of willingness or motivation to change as a death knell to your recovery work, use this opportunity to learn more about yourself and lean in to practices that will help you stick with recovery even when it becomes challenging.

As a note: these recommendations are specific to sex and love addiction.  There are likely different, more targeted recommendations for addictions that involve a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.  If you are dealing with those addictions, reach out to 12 Step resources and specialized counseling or treatment centers to get guidance on how to address willingness in that area. 

What to Do

Remind yourself of your vision for your future.

It can be a challenge to find hope when you’re stuck in the (often devastating) consequences of your acting out behaviors.  Define for yourself what a recovered life could look like.  Even if you never achieve this, what would be the ideal?  Why did you choose recovery in the first place?  What could life be like when you are free of your addictive behaviors? 

Use this vision to help you identify what you’d like your life to look like in 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year.  Breaking down those goals into more manageable time frames can help you make concrete goals or plans for what’s right in front of you.

Target your denial.

Your unwillingness to change often finds support from denying the impact of your behaviors.  This denial often comes in the form of distorted thinking patterns.  I often call this process “addict thinking” versus “rational thinking.”  When you’re acting out in addiction, the rational, healthy component of your brain goes offline. Instead, the addict part of you is at work trying to persuade you that your addictive behaviors are not only okay, but good for you.

Identify the “voice” of your addict part of yourself by writing down the statements of denial that are most common for you.  They might include words such as:

• “It’s not hurting anyone.”

• “I only do it because my spouse isn’t meeting my sexual needs.”

• “I deserve this.”

Then, when you have some space from your acting out behaviors, sit down and write responses from the point of view of your rational brain to address those denial statements with facts.  Come back to these responses when you’re tempted to act out and remind yourself of truth about your behaviors.  To the above comments, you might respond:

• “Addiction hurts my spouse, my children, and most importantly, myself.  I lose control over myself and expose myself to further and more dangerous consequences.”

• “My addiction is how I shortcut my way to a dissatisfying false intimacy instead of pursuing true intimacy with my spouse.”

• “I am not entitled to harm myself or others by my actions.  My behavior promises that it will feel good, but I consistently end up feeling miserable afterward.”

Be patient with yourself.

Acknowledge that this process takes time.  Consider climbing a mountain: when you begin at the bottom, it is obvious that you have a long way to go to get to the top.  As you climb and begin to grow weary, it can be easy to get distracted by how much further you have to go.  You might look up at the summit and get discouraged by the time it will take you to reach the top.  Instead, focus on the step right in front of you.  In 12 Step terminology, this is taking “one day at a time.”

Recognize that recovery is a lifestyle change, not a one-time experience; a marathon, not a sprint. But the rewards of a recovered life will make every step worth it.

Stay committed to your recovery plan.

If you’ve been in recovery for any length of time, you probably have been participating in some recovery-related activities and have potentially even made a plan for how to best address your addiction.  Even if you’re currently acting out, continue to engage in these recovery behaviors. 

If your plan was to go to 12 Step meetings regularly, keep going to your meetings.  Meet with your sponsor.  Make calls to others in recovery.  Keep attending therapy or support group.  Use the principle of “fake it til you make it” until your recovery behaviors begin to shape and mold your thoughts and emotions.  This will eventually create motivation to change if you give it time.

Do the bare minimum.

If you’ve already gotten out of the routine of your recovery plan, it might seem challenging to get back into the habit.  When commitment to recovery feels overwhelming and too much, focus instead on one practical step you can take right now.  (Remember the mountain metaphor.) 

Make one call to a supportive friend.  Schedule an appointment with your therapist or sponsor.  Read a chapter in a recovery-related book.  Practice a small act of self-care – eating a healthy meal, going to sleep early, getting outside for a walk.  Any of these small steps can have a huge impact over the long haul. 

Focus on recovery, not sobriety.

It’s common early in recovery to find yourself focusing only on sobriety and “white-knuckling”, attempting to force yourself to stop by your own willpower.  This usually is accompanied by a lack of commitment to the whole-life change required in recovery.

What’s the difference?  Recovery is a holistic process - much of your life must change.  Sobriety is one part of that, but it is not all of it.  Attempting to keep your life exactly the same and get sober is a recipe for failure, because likely some of what you were doing in daily life contributed to your desire to act out.  Focusing on sobriety involves only focusing on what you can’t do, while recovery shifts that focus to what you can do. 

Focusing only on sobriety leads to beating yourself up about failing when you inevitably slip or relapse.  Rather than placing so much of your identity and hope on sobriety, place that relapse or slip under the context of recovery and see what you can learn from it.  Sobriety is categorized by shame; recovery is categorized by hope.

Ask God for willingness.

The 12 Steps are built around reliance on a Higher Power to do the work of creating change in you, recognizing you are incapable of creating that willingness to change on your own.  Speaking from a Christian worldview, we are told in the Bible that it is God who works in us to will and act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).  Ask God to help you with this process. Invite the Holy Spirit to do a transforming work in your heart.

Remember the message of grace here: that if you are in Christ, you are no longer condemned (Romans 8:1) and you are set free (Galatians 5:1), and if you invite God in, He will do a healing work in you and transform your willingness.

Know that you can’t do this alone.

In addition to having the support and help of God, it is essential to have the support of other people to help you make these changes.  Social support is one of the most important factors in any addiction recovery.

Reach out to the people you know who are in recovery circles or who you trust are safe for you.  If you don’t know who those people are, now is a good time to find them.  Start by attending a 12 Step meeting, support group, or counseling session and connect with supportive people who can help you along your path to recovery.

Taking Courage Through the Storms of Life: A Reflection on the TED Connects Talk by Elizabeth Gilbert

If you’re reading this article in real-time, we’re all learning how to manage emotions through a major, unprecedented, global crisis in COVID-19.  We’re all being affected in some way, even though those specific patterns look different from person to person. 

Yet many of us will, at some point in our lives, walk through our own personal crises or traumas.  The loss of a job.  The betrayal of a spouse or partner.  The death of a loved one.  

Elizabeth Gilbert, author and creative thinker, recently was featured on an episode of TED Connects processing responses to the COVID-19 crisis.  In her talk, she shares reflections on emotional impact of this crisis and ways to shift thinking and behavior in order to offer more compassion and grace for ourselves.  While the principles in this video fit the crisis we’re facing collectively right now, they also shed have universal principles for personal crises you may face.

Here are a few of the key takeaways I gathered from listening to this talk.

Anxiety

Gilbert encourages us to give ourselves mercy and compassion for any emotions we experience through this crisis.  When we realize that our experience is normal and that everyone is going through or would go through some version of this same response, it helps take some of the pressure off to have it all together.  When you’re in a personal crisis, finding a grief or support group or talking with someone who’s been through this crisis before can be a great help, as it hits home that you aren’t alone and others understand what you’re going through.

Recognizing your resilience is another component she shares that will help you have confidence to make it through your crisis.  Reflect on past experiences that have been challenging or painful. Remind yourself of how you made it through and what allowed you to do so.  Review this list when you find yourself struggling to maintain compassion or courage despite the crisis.

Practicing presence and gratitude are also important.  Instead of numbing out or trying to escape, pay attention to the emotions you’re experiencing in the present, even if they’re uncomfortable.  Notice the things that you have in your life that you are grateful for. Make lists and speak these words of appreciation out loud.

She also highlights the myth of control: anxiety comes out of believing that we’re in control of our lives, when in reality we have little to no control over our circumstances.  We are only in control of our own actions, beliefs, thoughts, and choices.  When you surrender control, you’re allowing yourself to be released from the burden of anxiety and the myth that you can be in control of your circumstance.

“Surrender means letting go of something you never even had.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Loneliness

Living through a crisis can be an inherently isolating experience, and you likely have to cope with loneliness in a new way.  Notice your tendencies toward escaping or avoiding and how the crisis may have removed some of those coping mechanisms.  Recognize the ways your behaviors function as a way for you to withdraw from painful emotions.  Consider exploring negative emotions that arise, journaling through them, asking yourself what you fear and what you run from. 

Use this crisis as a way to get to know your mind and practice shifting your thinking.  You might notice more self-doubt, criticism, judgment, or fear.  Take inventory of your self-defeating thoughts so you can recognize them when they arise and begin to fact-check them with reality.  Just like focusing more on gratitude, this mindset shift requires intentional action.  You can literally change structures in your brain as you begin to make these shifts.

“The hardest person in the entire world to be with is yourself.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Productivity and Creating

While discussing creativity during a crisis, Gilbert references the fact that she prefers following “curiosity” rather than purpose and passion.  What might change in your life if you focused more on following your curiosity? Rather than focusing on what you “should” be doing, consider what you’re curious about and move toward that. 

Recognize that anxiety and fear stifle your ability to be productive or creative as well.  The content you consume impacts your mind and your capacity to focus.  Instead of trying to shame or beat yourself up into being more productive, release those “shoulds” and give yourself more freedom.

She also suggests reframing the crisis as a retreat, or a stimulus for learning.  She suggests doing what you used to do as a child, returning to play, as a way of coping with the difficult emotions that arise and awakening greater creativity within yourself.

A Note on Spirituality

Much of what Elizabeth shares in this TED talk is interwoven with her spiritual understanding.  While I disagree with the foundations of her spirituality, I think she offers concepts that can be adapted to a Christian worldview and can lead you to take a more grace-filled approach toward yourself in a season of crisis.  If you also share Christian beliefs, I encourage you to consider how some of the following ideas may help you.

Write a letter to yourself from God.

Near the end of the video, Elizabeth shares a practice that she engages in daily where she writes a letter to herself from “love.”  As I listened to her read her example letter aloud, I realized that the words “love” was saying to her were strikingly similar to how God speaks and comforts His people – phrases such as, “I’m with you.”  “I’ve got this.”  “You are my beloved.”  The connection between these words of love and God comes through the understanding that God is love (1 John 4:16) and that His perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).

How might you write a letter to yourself from the point of view of God, who loves you unconditionally (Romans 8:35-39) and has promised to be with you forever (Matthew 28:20)? What would God say to you in your current circumstance, in your pain, in your struggle?  If you struggle to hear God’s voice as a voice of love, start out by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and replace the word “love” with “God.”  If God is all of the things listed in that passage, how might he speak to you? 

Surrender control through prayer.

As mentioned earlier, releasing anxiety involves recognizing that you never had control in the first place.  We are not in control, but God is (Colossians 1:16-17).  When you recognize your powerlessness over your circumstance, you can use prayer as a way to remind yourself of this fact.  Refocusing on prayer helps us to come back to God and surrender to Him what we cannot control. 

I reference the Serenity prayer often because I think its simple structure provides a framework for releasing control and seeking wisdom.  It goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Listen to the Holy Spirit.

In the talk, Elizabeth shares a story about a woman who became dangerously lost on a hike.   She offered up a prayer of surrender when she realized she was in trouble and felt led by her intuition to act in a way that would preserve her safety.  This reminded me of the importance of asking for wisdom and guidance from God (James 1:5) and being open to the Holy Spirit’s direction and leading (John 16).  Of course, it is important to compare where we feel led by the Spirit to Scriptural truth to determine its validity, but it was a helpful reminder to listen to where God is leading rather than trying to figure it all out on our own.

Personal Strides in Partner Recovery: The Importance of Participating in Your Own Healing Work

If you are a partner of a sex and love addict, chances are you responded to the discovery of your significant other’s addiction with a mix of emotions: anger, fear, hurt, grief, rage, sadness, loneliness.  These emotions often come out of nowhere and blindside you.  You then have to deal with triggers that arise unexpectedly and bring surges of these intense emotions back.  You’re constantly revising history with the new information about the addiction at the forefront.

Just like anyone who has suffered an unexpected and devastating trauma, recovery from the revelation of a significant other’s sex and love addiction can be challenging and take time and a lot of work.  But one place that I see partners get stuck is with their eyes on the addict rather than their eyes on their own healing.

Where You Get Stuck

Immediately following discovery, your pain can serve as part of the push that generates enough discomfort for the addict to get into treatment and turn their life around.  This is often a good thing!  But not every addict responds in this way.  Sometimes the addict refuses help or seems half-hearted in their attempts to achieve sobriety.

In these situations, you might respond by focusing on the addict’s recovery: what he’s doing or not doing, how he is changing or growing in empathy, or a lack of change.  Being aware of these changes (or lack thereof) isn’t all bad.  It becomes a problem, however, when it’s all you think about.  When how well you are doing depends on the addict’s progress, that can lead to a tug-of-war in your relationship as you attempt to gain control over the impact of his addiction and his approach to recovery.

In attempting to take control of the addict’s recovery, you are trying to control your significant other’s choices, thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  But these areas aren’t something you have power over: their choice and responsibility belongs to them.  Attempts at control might include threats, manipulation, passive-aggressive comments, or constant criticism.

This response makes sense in light of powerlessness and fear that come with betrayal trauma.  But over time, you’ll see that it leaves you feeling hopeless, trapped, angry, and restless. 

What Could Be Beneath

Often, when partners shift into fix-it mode or any of these attempts to control their spouse’s recovery, it hints that they might be avoiding more painful emotions or uncomfortable realities they are now forced to face.  These might include the process of grief associated with finding out the person you married wasn’t who you thought they were.  It could involve insecurity about yourself, reminders of past experiences of trauma with an addicted family member, or re-organizing your concept of safety because of the addict’s deception.  You might be battling feelings of shame that prevent you from being able to share about your experience with others.

When you shift your gaze to your own healing work, you can finally experience the relief and freedom from chaos for which you’ve been longing.  You can move toward facing the reality of your current circumstance and taking decisive action to heal and become empowered. 

Practical Ways to Focus on Your Healing

Practice acceptance and commitment.

When I hear the Serenity Prayer, I think of the balance of acceptance and commitment: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  For you as a healing partner, this requires acceptance or recognition of the reality that your addicted partner is dealing with a legitimate addiction that has caused legitimate trauma, pain, and harm to you and others.  Courage and commitment come when you make empowered choices and recognize the control you have over your own life, response, and healing.

An important note: acceptance does not mean pretending that everything is okay and that you aren’t hurting.  That is denial, not acceptance.  Acceptance instead means recognizing that what has happened has actually happened and that it cannot be changed by wishing it were different.

The Karpman drama triangle can help us recognize reality.  When we look at the dance of the roles of victim-perpetrator-rescuer, we can identify where we’ve been swept up into the drama of addiction.  Recognize the drama you tend toward and learn ways to step outside the drama by identifying your own responsibility and making choices that reflect that.

Gear up with self-care.

Going through the trauma of the discovery of sex and love addiction is like getting in a car accident: you sustain injuries, some of which are plain to the eye, and some of which are invisible.  You need to take time and space to heal physical injuries by taking care of yourself: doing physical therapy, having regular doctor’s visits, eating and sleeping to recover, and resting your body.  Similarly, recovering from the wound of a betrayal requires you to take time and space to heal. 

Vicki Tidwell Palmer suggests focusing on the acronym PIES for self-care: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual self-care.  How can you care for yourself in each of these ways?

Much of this self-care is best in the context of a community of support.  Find support for yourself through a 12 Step fellowship, support group, or a trusted group of friends who you know are safe.  Safe people are people who can handle hearing about what you’ve been going through without siding too strongly with you or with the addict.  They give you space to process and make your own decisions.  Support also comes through professional help with a therapist specialized in working with partners of sex and love addicts.

Learn and set your boundaries.

Boundaries are an important part of recovery from betrayal.  Saying no to continuing to tolerate behaviors that are intolerable while also taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, choices, and attitudes are important pieces of recognizing your limits.  Setting boundaries can involve making requests of your spouse to change a behavior, but it is ultimately your responsibility to care for yourself regardless of their willingness to change.

The purpose of boundaries is to care for yourself, not to punish the addict.  These are not consequences you’re enforcing, like a parent with a child.  Instead, you are adapting your own behavior to respond to your partner’s behaviors  in a way that best cares for you.  One way to conceptualize this difference is to ask yourself: if my spouse never changes, how might I take care of myself?  You can make requests for him or her to change, but ultimately you are responsible for your own well-being and healing.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries in the early days post-discovery often become empty threats.  Threats to file for divorce or leave often get tossed around in the initial impact of the trauma, but usually they aren’t followed through upon.  Instead, define for yourself what your true deal-breakers are: what behaviors, if continued, would lead inevitably to needing to leave the relationship?  If we don’t know the answer to this question, every mistake or misbehavior gets categorized as non-negotiable.  However, if you’re not willing to leave when that behavior occurs, it’s not truly a non-negotiable.  As mentioned earlier, a trained counselor can help you through this process.

Get in touch with your emotions.

Emotional awareness is an important component of betrayal trauma recovery.  Your emotions provide a window to past experiences and clarify pain that needs care.  Emotions also connect to physical symptoms that may be frightening, like panic attacks, heart palpitations, pain with unknown origin, or decreased immunity.  (Note: if you have any of these symptoms, be sure to get checked by your primary care physician to rule out any other causes.)

While there are similarities to the symptoms of trauma, every betrayed partner has a unique, personal experience with discovering their significant other’s addiction.  This is heavily influenced by your unique upbringing with varied levels of trauma or pain.  Recognizing how the emotions that are arising now connect to themes of past experiences can help you heal from past wounds and identify what your needs are in the present.  As you become aware of your personal emotional reaction, you might also recognize what you might be avoiding by focusing on your partner’s recovery rather than your own healing.

Recognize distorted thought patterns.

Begin to recognize the common thought patterns that either allowed you to stick your head in the sand and avoid seeing the addiction, or that are chipping away at your confidence and ability to be empowered. Common distorted or unhelpful belief patterns involved in betrayal trauma recovery include such thoughts as:

• The addiction is my fault.  I wasn’t a good enough partner.

• I don’t deserve any better due to my shameful past.

• If only I had done ________ differently, this wouldn’t have happened.

• Other people don’t have to deal with this: I wish I could be like them.

• It isn’t the addict’s fault. It’s the fault of the pornography industry/affair partner/addict’s work environment.

• I can’t make it on my own.  I can’t survive without my spouse.

Do any of these phrases or other similar thoughts run through your mind?  Identifying which thoughts come up most often for you and dismantling them to uncover the truth is an essential part of your recovery journey.

Identify your particular tone of trauma.

In the same way that your emotional landscape is influenced by past experiences in your family-of-origin or other areas, the way in which trauma manifests often carries echoes of the past.  What trauma symptoms do you most identify with?  Do you feel trauma physically?  Emotionally?  Spiritually?  How might this be similar to what you’ve experienced with past trauma or with your family growing up?

If you recognize a history of past trauma that pre-dated the discovery of the addiction, it wouldn’t be surprising to have reminders of that past trauma resurface post-discovery.  Methods such as EMDR can help you process and heal those experiences such that you’re not carrying the pain from those into the challenging work of betrayal trauma recovery.

Releasing the Shoulds: Freeing Yourself of Impossibly High Standards So You Can Live

Do you feel a vague sense of guilt when you fail or make mistakes?  Have you been described as a perfectionist or a type A person?  Many of us, particularly if we grew up in an environment with high expectations, have learned a certain set of standards around our behavior that can feel overwhelming to maintain.

Sometimes, we hold those same standards for others.  When we are disappointed by a friend or family member who lets us down or fails to meet our expectations, we are angry at them.  If they don’t read our minds and know what we need, it causes an argument.  We become overly critical of family and friends, gossiping about others, or feeling bitterness and resentment that build to a breaking point.

Or we may want our circumstances to be perfect and are crushed when they don’t work out the way we think they should.  There are so many factors outside our control: jobs, family, others’ choices, natural disasters, or even positive experiences – you name it.  When our circumstances don’t fit into our perfect mold, how do we then respond?  Are we able to adapt or do we feel cheated out of the way things “should” have been?

If any of the above experiences sound like you, it might be time to take a look at the “shoulds” you’re carrying around and how they’re working (or likely, not working) for you.

Recognizing the Shoulds

Identify the areas where you feel a sense of “should.”

It can be as easy as listening to your self-talk and identifying where you hear the word “should.”  I should, I have to, I ought to, I must…do any of these words populate your vocabulary?  In what situations do you say those words to yourself in your mind? 

Pay attention to your emotions, particularly shame and fear.

Maybe it’s not so clear to you in which situations you feel pressure to meet a standard.  In that case, recognizing shame can help.  First, identify what shame feels like in your body.  Red cheeks, a knot in your stomach, a desire to run and hide?  Think about a circumstance when you’ve felt shame in the past.  What were the words running through your mind?

Similarly, fear can be an indicator that you’re responding to a perceived set of “shoulds.”  If you’re afraid of what others think of you, even if it’s just in one particular area like work, ask yourself where you learned to fear their opinion. Connect it back to previous experiences where you may have felt fear about the opinions of others.

Look at what bothers you most about other people.

When you pinpoint the areas where you’re most critical of others, ask yourself if you can relate to their struggles in any way.  In the Bible, when Jesus speaks of judging others, he says, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)  Often the behaviors we criticize in others are areas in which we are imperfect or insecure ourselves.

Look at where you’re most likely to criticize others and see if you can relate to their struggles.  You may not be dealing with the issue exactly the way they are handling it, but your response might hint at a “should.”  For example, if I believe others “should” respond to my emails within a few hours of receiving them, it might be worthwhile to check my own habits for responding to emails.  If I do respond quickly, I might identify how that “should” has been affecting my stress levels and mood.

What happens if I don’t do what I “should” do?  What type of person would that make me?  Do I have a rigid expectation of myself here?  Is there space for me to receive or extend grace and understanding to myself or others? 

See where you’re jealous of others.

Another insight from criticism involves recognizing if you want something others have.  You might compare your life to theirs, thinking, “I wish I could do what they’re doing.”  For example, criticizing someone for taking an afternoon off work to attend a child’s sporting event might hint that you have a rigid expectation that you can’t leave the office to do something similar.  Explore what you believe you can’t or “don’t have permission to” do that others can do, and see if that’s based in any “shoulds.”

Releasing the Shoulds

“Okay great, but now what?”  It might have been easy for you to figure out what “shoulds” drive your life, but despite your knowledge of them, you haven’t been able to shake them.  They feel like a constant chorus that echoes through your mind and weighs you down.  Try some of the following steps to let go of those expectations of yourself and release the pressure.

Identify what’s in your control and what’s not in your control.

You have control over your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.  You cannot control the thoughts, emotions, choices, and beliefs of others.  There are some life circumstances you have control over and others you don’t.  When you clarify if you are truly in control of your situation, you may be able to release unrealistic expectations you have on yourself.

This can also help you realize that you aren’t the only one responsible or in control of caring for others.  When your “shoulds” take on a tone of responsibility for others (“If I don’t help them/fill this volunteer role/work the extra hours, then who will?”), recognizing that you aren’t the only one who can take action can release you from the pressure to help.  You may still have some influence, but there are other people or circumstances that may carry responsibility in the lives of the ones you help.

Separate “perfect” from “good.”

Perfectionism often drives these “should” statements, and a hallmark of perfectionism is the belief that perfect and good are the same thing.  In other words, if I don’t do this perfectly, it is bad.  In order for something to be good, it has to be perfect. 

This requires some deconstructing and redefining “good and “perfect”.  Reframe your beliefs to see that things can be good even if they aren’t perfect.  Look for examples where what you’ve produced hasn’t been perfect, but it has been good.  Search for ways in which “good enough” has been good, even when it hasn’t met your unrealistic, high expectations.

Ask yourself what you think will happen if you fail.

What would you believe about yourself if you were to fail or make mistakes in this area?  You might end up uncovering a deeper core belief about yourself that’s driving your “should” responses.  For example, you might believe that if you don’t live up to these high standards you’ll be rejected and unloved.

If you already have these underlying beliefs, no amount of perfection will fix the beliefs.  Until you recognize the origins of the belief and do the work to dismantle it, you won’t be able to let go.

Pretend like you’re talking to a friend.

For many of us, we would never talk to our friends the way that we talk to ourselves.  The amount of negativity and self-criticism that makes up the majority of our self-talk would leave us friendless if we used those words on other people.

Imagine you are having a conversation with a friend who told you about all the “should” statements they were wrestling with.  What might you stay to them in response?  What realistic expectations to you hold for them that you might not hold for yourself? 

Let yourself “break the rules” and see what happens.

When you’ve lived by a rule of “shoulds” your whole life, letting loose and breaking the rules feels like a big no-no.  Give this a try: intentionally set out to do the opposite of what the “shoulds” say to do.  Then observe what happens.  Do you fail? Are your fears confirmed? 

In many cases, what you learn is that breaking the rules doesn’t kill you, nor does it leave you rejected and abandoned.  The worst-case scenario that held you back is discredited. 

To be fair, in some situations you may experience responses that seem to confirm your beliefs.  In this case, learn from those experiences.  Pay attention to your emotional response and self-talk, and be aware of when you’ve felt that way before.  If you can pinpoint earlier experiences similar to this one, that’s a hint at the origins of the high standard you keep.

Doing the work of “releasing the shoulds” is difficult, but it is absolutely worth it.  The relief you’ll feel at letting go of the crushing weight of pressure that you put on yourself will free you up to live your life more authentically.  It will improve your relationships as you drop the criticism and gain more empathy and understanding for others.

Are You an Unreliable Narrator in Your Own Life?: How Cognitive Distortions Manipulate Your Thoughts

Have you noticed the trend in popular fiction where thrillers are becoming all the rage?  Books like Gone Girl and Girl on the Train have become increasingly popular.  A common element in many of these novels is the “unreliable narrator.”  At some point during the novel, there’s a twist that clues us in to the fact that the narrator may be filtering the truth in such a way that works to their advantage or tells their side of the story.  This plot device adds an additional layer of mystery to the text as we try to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.

When have you realized that what you believed was true was wrong all along?

We tend to filter our experience through our beliefs about people and the world around us in a way that twists reality and leads us to doubt what we know to be true.  It can start with one mistaken belief or critical comment.  Before we know it, that statement grows into an internal voice that leads us to filter our beliefs through this new lens.  In depression and anxiety, this is particularly common, as these disorders add an additional filter to our thoughts that twists them to be even more inaccurate, becoming what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.”

What is a cognitive distortion?

Cognitive distortions are “exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety.”

I think of it like the fun house attraction at those traveling fairs that rolled into town in your childhood.  Typically they featured mirrors that distorted your body shape and size.  This is a fitting picture of how our thoughts filter through these different lenses of reality and twist our beliefs into cognitive distortions.

Common Cognitive Distortions and Their Antidotes

While there are several different types of cognitive distortions, here are a few of the most common ones I’ve seen with depression and anxiety.  Alongside an example of each, I’ll provide an antidote (some ideas to try if you notice these are the filters you default to most commonly) and an adaptive thought (an example of a shift in thinking in response to that distortion).

All-or-nothing thinking happens when we believe that only two extremes exist, with no room for gray area in between.  We think in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, pass or fail. 

• Example: “If I do poorly on this test, that means I’m a failure.”

• Antidote: Make room for the gray in your life. We all make mistakes or do things poorly, but there are likely plenty of positives in your life as well. Think in terms of better and best instead of right and wrong.

• Adaptive Thought: “One bad grade doesn’t disqualify the other good grades I’ve gotten or the hard work I put into studying.”

Overgeneralization occurs when we take an isolated event and expect that all other similar events will happen in the same way.

• Example: “What’s the point of going out on dates? The last guy I dated didn’t call me back after the first date, so why should I expect anything different?”

• Antidote: Recognize that each situation you experience is unique. If you believe this pattern exists, look for examples to disprove that pattern.

• Adaptive Thought: “So that last date didn’t work out? We must’ve not been the right fit. The next guy I date might be a better fit for me.”

Jumping to conclusions involves assuming we already know how others will perceive us or how a situation will play out.

• Example: “My friend didn’t say hi to me at church the other day – I must’ve done something wrong or offended her.”

• Antidote: Reality check that assumption by either asking the other person if your belief is true or think of alternative explanations for what happened.

• Adaptive Thought: “My friend might’ve been caught up in a conversation and didn’t see me at church, so it makes sense why she wouldn’t have said hi.”

Personalization is the belief that everything that happens around us is a direct response to something we have done or said.  This can lead to taking too much responsibility for how others respond to us, or worry that we’re being judged.

• Example: “This party is so awkward – it must be because I’m so awkward and I’m ruining the night for everyone.”

• Antidote: Set an internal boundary: affirm that you are not responsible for the thoughts and reactions of other people. What are some other reasons for the situation?

• Adaptive Thought: “This party is kind of awkward because we don’t all know each other yet. Maybe I can start up a conversation with someone new or suggest a game to play!”

“Shoulds” involve thinking that we “should” do things a certain way, and if we don’t, it is a poor reflection on us or our character.

• Example: “I should be exercising 5 days a week and if I’m not, I’m lazy.”

• Antidote: Search for the source of that belief (family, friends, media, school, church, self) and explore why it has such an impact on you. Give yourself freedom to say “no” to it. Frame your decisions as a choice of what you want to do instead of “should” do.

• Adaptive Thought: “I’d like to exercise more. I can choose to go for a run this afternoon.”

Emotional reasoning takes place when have a certain emotional response to our circumstances and come to accept that feeling as truth.

• Example: “I feel ugly, so it must be true.”

• Antidote: Remind yourself that emotions are changeable. Look for evidence that stands in direct contrast to the beliefs those emotions are telling you.

• Adaptive Thought: “Even though I feel ugly, I know I’m feeling worse than usual today because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I know those emotions will pass.”

Which of these cognitive distortions do you see the world through most often?  How can you actively seek to change those filters and become a more reliable narrator in your life?

This article was originally published on July 6, 2017.

Creating Hope in Chaos: A Therapist's Guide to Thriving During the COVID-19 Crisis

The current upheaval to many of our daily lives as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak is something we as a society have never experienced before.  Every person is affected directly or indirectly, by stay-at-home orders, closures of stores and restaurants, financial shifts, and the spread of the illness.  It’s easy for those who do not typically struggle with anxiety or depression to feel the stress of this moment in the world.

This makes the call to care for our mental health that much more important.  But how can we do that when many of us are stuck at home?  Here are a few ideas that may help you not only to get through this crisis, but perhaps to begin to thrive in the midst of and as a result of it.  Engaging in items on this list can create opportunities to change the way you approach your life for the long-term.

Reducing Anxiety

Limit your media intake. The public health crisis is constantly changing.  Every news media outlet is producing massive amounts of coverage of anything and everything having to do with the coronavirus.  It makes sense that many of us would want to follow these updates through the news.  But this can easily turn into constantly checking headlines or social media, feeling our anxiety rise with the second.

Create a limit for yourself on how much time you’ll spend on social media, news websites, or even watching TV coverage of coronavirus.  Choose a certain time of day when you will check and set a boundary to limit how long you’ll read or watch.

Incorporate deep breathing and meditation practices. Breathing and meditation can be a helpful way to calm the panic response that surfaces with anxiety.  If you notice yourself experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, focus on taking a few deep breaths, allowing the air to move down into your abdomen.

Guided meditations, which can be found on YouTube or through various apps, can be helpful to direct your mind to focus on your breath.  Many of these resources offer options for children as well.  For example, many mobile guided meditation apps such as Headspace and Sanvello are offering free access to services during the crisis. 

Practice gratitude. One of the greatest protections against anxiety is to focus on appreciating what you currently have.  Spend time daily reflecting on areas of your life for which you can be grateful.  If this crisis has allowed you more time to spend with family or focusing on tasks at home, find thankfulness in that.  Begin a list or a gratitude journal that helps you consistently keep track of the positives in your circumstance. 

Self-Care

Go outside. Even if you are in a community that has required its citizens to stay at home during this crisis, those orders often allow for physical activity outside.  Use this extra time to go for a walk or run.  Take your kids out on a bike ride or walk around the neighborhood.  Play or relax in your yard together.  Spending time in nature offers a multitude of mental health benefits, so why not take advantage of those now?

Practice active rest. Much of the reaction I’ve seen from people who have the privilege of being able to work from home is to rejoice in the fact that they get to catch up on their Netflix queues.  While there’s nothing wrong with watching a good show from time to time, spending a whole day bingeing on TV can lead to feelings of guilt or lethargy.  You might not have done anything during the day, but you still feel exhausted, whether from staying up too late watching your shows or the strain of so much screen time.

Instead of doing those things that seem like rest but are actually draining, lean into habits that provide actual rest for you.  Allow yourself to sleep in or take a nap.  Read a good book.  Pray, spend time reading the Bible, or practice other spiritual self-care.  Spend lazy hours talking with your loved ones or playing board games.  Letting your mind and body catch up on rest from the frenzied pace of normal life can be an incredible blessing during this season.

Exercise. As mentioned earlier, walking or running outside is an easy way to get out of the house while still following guidelines for health and safety of others.  Get into the practice of taking a short walk daily.  If you’re used to a commute to work, “walking” to work by strolling around the block can be an easy way to set boundaries at the start and end of your work-from-home day. 

What if you usually go to the gym to get in your exercise?  Look for opportunities to do those same exercises from home.  Free videos on YouTube (like Yoga with Adriene) or subscription programs (like OpenFit) offer at-home workouts that you can do from the safety of your living room.

Social Connection

Call a loved one every day.  Just because we’re “social distancing” doesn’t mean that we have to cut off all connection with the people we love.  I was inspired by a recent blog post by Marnie Ferree to get out my phone and call one of my loved ones on a daily basis.  This can be a family member, friend, coworker, or other member of your community that can help you feel connected within the craziness. Reach out to someone you haven’t connected with for some time and catch up on how they’re doing, offering your empathy and support in response.

Write notes of encouragement. Have you ever received a handwritten note in the mail?  It can be heartwarming to receive words of encouragement.  Why not spread the love during this time with the extra minutes we may have in our day?  Write notes to medical professionals who need support, friends who you know are feeling financial strain, or just to maintain connection with those you love. 

Have a family game night or scavenger hunt. The busy pace of life can prevent families from being able to spend quality time together on a more regular basis.  This period of extended time at home creates an opportunity for family members who don’t often get to see one another to spend quality time together.  As tempting as it may be to all sit in front of your individual screens, coordinate an evening where you play a game together or create a scavenger hunt through the yard or neighborhood for different items.

Use technology creatively to connect.  Video messaging platforms have allowed people to continue to connect when they are thousands of miles apart, so of course they can be used to connect with people who are just down the street.  Have a coffee date with a friend by brewing your own cups and then sitting down to chat.  “Go out” for drinks with your friends virtually.  Play a cooperative game with friends on a video gaming console or with various apps that allow you to connect in different locations.

Volunteer or donate. As a follow-up to the gratitude practice, you  may find yourself recognizing how blessed you are in comparison with others.  Although it may seem like you can’t do much while you are cooped up at home, there are plenty of ways you can serve and bless those who are dealing with more difficult circumstances.  Many local charities are accepting financial or material donations to support those in need.  Hospitals and medical facilities are accepting donations of certain medical supplies.  Many food pantries are still open and collecting dry goods.  If you have extra disinfecting wipes, hand sanitizer, or even toilet paper to share, consider offering it to neighbors of yours who may not have those supplies.

Notice the Positive

Reflect on what you’re learning. Ask yourself what you may be learning or observing during this drastic change in circumstances.  Can this new perspective or knowledge impact the way you live your life in the future?  How might you want to change our daily habits as a result?  For instance, perhaps you’ve enjoyed having extended time with your household and want to make that a priority in the future.  Perhaps you’ve discovered a new hobby or interest that will shape how you spend your leisure time once this crisis has passed.  

Focus on others. Often, this goes hand-in-hand with the suggestion of volunteering time or donating supplies.  When you shift your gaze to others who are in need, you are more likely to feel grateful for what you have and relieved of anxiety.  Pray for those in your community specifically, and ask others who you might pray for them.  Identify ways you can love or bless the people in your community using a strategy listed above.

Search for acts of kindness. The moments that have floored me most throughout this crisis have been the acts of kindness I’ve witnessed that offer hope and joy to others in the midst of chaos.  Keep your eyes open for ways in which your community might be carrying out some of these gestures. Brainstorm ways you might be able to participate in those acts of kindness.  Search for lists of ideas or become inspired by news coverage of these choices people are making to bring hope. 

Coping with Loneliness

It’s safe to say that we’ve all experienced loneliness at some point or another in our lives.  A gnawing sense in your stomach.  A sadness that sets over you that seems to come out of nowhere.  A desire to be around other people, to talk to them about what you’re feeling or thinking.

Loneliness comes from a legitimate desire to be loved, seen, and known by others.  Since the days of our infancy, where we were dependent on parents or caregivers for connection, we’ve known we needed people.

Why might you be feeling lonely?

Depression and/or Anxiety

Isolation is a common symptom of depression.  Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness can lead you to retreat within yourself and avoid social contact.  Anxiety can also prevent you from feeling connected to people.  You might have social anxiety that arises in situations when you’re with others.  Or you may be unable to maintain connection with others due to distraction by your worries. 

Both of these experiences may feel unique to you.  You might think, “does anyone else feel or think this way?”  Negative self-talk and beliefs that drive depression and anxiety (ie. “I’m a loser.”  “I’m alone.”  “No one could love me.”) perpetuate these feelings of loneliness.

Addiction Recovery

If you’re in recovery from an addiction, particularly sexual addiction, you might be dealing with loneliness as well.  Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, meaning that it substitutes false intimacy through sexual acting out in place of true intimacy.  Often loneliness drives the addictive behaviors. 

But while removing those areas of false intimacy in the process of recovery, an addict might also be experiencing the natural consequence of separation from loved ones or family members who have been impacted by the addict’s behaviors.  This can lead to intense feelings of loneliness, as the addiction is no longer present as a way to escape or self-medicate.

Partner Betrayal Trauma

Or perhaps you’re on the other side of the coin, where you’ve seen your spouse succumb to sexual addiction and you’ve been blindsided by the pain and hurt they’ve inflicted.  The person you once felt closest to has now become untrustworthy.

Further still, the pain of betrayal associated with sexual addiction is often a secret shame.  Whether out of protection for your spouse or out of fear of being judged by others, you might avoid telling others about what you’re experiencing.  This inevitably leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness as you don’t know where to turn for support. 

General Isolation

There are plenty of other reasons you might feel lonely.  A new move across the country to a city you’ve never lived in, difficulty finding people with mutual interests, hurt or betrayal from past relationships: all can make you reluctant to open up to others.

Whatever the reason, loneliness can be crippling and painful, and it’s hard to know how best to cope with it.

How to Find Your People

While this may not always be an easy option, the most straightforward way to move past loneliness is to find your people.  Here are a few places to start.

Existing Relationships

Identify a safe person you already know with whom you can talk: someone who can empathize with what you’re going through and offer support (Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is great resource for exploring this.) Ask these friends if they would be willing to offer you support on a regular basis.  Lead with vulnerability in those interactions, sharing about what’s really going on in your life, as vulnerability invites connection.  And be someone who offers support to others as well.  when they’re having a rough time, listen to them and validate their experience, offering care in the same way you’ve received it from them. 

Groups

Support groups are an easy way for you to find others who are dealing with similar issues related to depression, anxiety, or addiction recovery.  You can find this support through 12 Step meetings, church-based support, or therapy groups.  You might also benefit from finding a local meetup or group based on a special interest or hobby.  Volunteering is another great way to meet people in your area, along with providing other mental health benefits by focusing on the needs of others.

Coping with Loneliness in the Moment

If your feelings of loneliness happens often and cause a lot of distress, this hints that there is more to the story.  What if you feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people?  Does loneliness feel intolerable to you when you’re in the midst of it?  Do you do whatever it takes to escape loneliness, even if “what it takes” is destructive to you or your family?

When you feel lonely, get curious.

Ask yourself why.  Where’s this loneliness coming from?  Check in with your emotions and thought patterns.  Identify what physical sensations are associated with that loneliness.  Understanding what might have triggered the feelings of loneliness or what might be contributing to them can help you decide how to move forward. 

Explore what loneliness felt like as a kid and how you coped (or didn’t) with it then.

When you’ve explored what loneliness feels like in your body and emotions, allow your mind to go back to others other experiences where you’ve felt similarly.  You might have memories from childhood or teenage years, or they may be more recent.  Ask yourself: how did I cope with loneliness back then?  What did I do with it, good or bad?  Was I ever taught to deal with loneliness by parents or caregivers?  Are there betrayals or wounds from relationships where I felt a similar sense of loneliness?

Ask yourself what you needed.

In those memories, allow yourself to connect back to that earlier version of yourself and ask: what did I need back then?  Maybe it was a friend to sit with you in your loneliness.  Maybe it was an understanding parent.  Maybe you needed to learn fun or healthy ways to take your mind off the loneliness until you were able to be with people again.

Validate your own loneliness.

After going through this exercise, does it make sense why you might feel lonely now?  What connections can you make to the present moment?  Do you have compassion or empathy from the younger version of yourself?  If you can identify and validate your loneliness, you’re less likely to be afraid of it.  It changes from a monster to something more manageable. 

Get to know yourself better.

When you’re lonely without an easy way out, see it as an opportunity to spend some time with yourself.  Explore your hobbies.  Journal.  Learn more about who you are.  If it feels difficult to spend time with yourself, or if you feel avoidance or shame around getting to know yourself, that might hint at some deeper issues associated with identity that may be worth exploring further in one-on-one counseling.

Questions to Ask Yourself When You Get Triggered

To anyone observing you from the outside, it would look like any other Wednesday night.  You’re sitting at home, watching TV and occasionally checking your phone.  But internally, you’re a mess.  You can barely focus on the distraction of the television.  Your hand shakes as you check your phone once more, seeing no text or call from your husband, despite it being over an hour later than he said he would arrive home.  Your heart is pounding and adrenaline is rushing through your veins.  Your mind feels like it’s on a constant loop: “He’s acting out again.  He’s lying to me.  Who is he seeing behind my back this time?”

Finally, the sound of the garage door seems to echo through the house as you hear your husband pull in.  He’s barely opened the door to the house when you explode.  Anger, fear, and hurt mingle and spill out as you raise your voice in accusation, sure that he’s been with his affair partner again.  You threaten to leave him, question why he couldn’t contact you, and finally end in tears as you storm off to the guest bedroom to spend the night.

What it means to be triggered or “activated”

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?  Maybe you haven’t experienced reactions this extreme before, but you’ve felt strong emotion rise up in you that seems to come out of nowhere, and you can’t figure out how to cope with it.  In common language, you’ve likely experienced a trigger.

Now, I know that the word “triggered” can be, well…triggering. In some ways, it’s become a political term laced with additional meanings such that many don’t like using that word.  It can also be associated with an addiction: being “triggered” to act out.  In that respect, I’d like to borrow from Vicki Tidwell Palmer in how she approaches this experience: replacing the word “triggered” with “activated.”

How do I know I’m activated?

When you’re feeling activated, you’re usually having a strong emotional reaction that seems disproportionate in relationship to what has caused it.  It can come with intense feelings of anger.  You experience physical symptoms of anxiety or stress.  Your fight or flight response kicks in as your adrenaline levels rise.  You may even have flashbacks to previous memories, a hallmark symptom of trauma.

Questions to ask yourself

When you notice this shift in your experience and symptoms of trauma arising, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help make sense of what’s happening and create a plan for your self-care in the here-and-now and in future situations.  It might be helpful to pull out a pen and paper or a journal and write out your answers to these questions.

What is going on in my body?

Trauma is held in the body.  When you are feeling activated in response to a reminder of past trauma, you’re likely to feel that in your body.

Bring awareness to your body and notice what sensations you’re feeling.  Do you feel warmth or cold?  If so, where?  Any tightness or tension?  Any pain?  Is that sensation located in one part of your body, or spread throughout?  Do you notice any change in your posture or stance?

What emotion am I feeling?

Emotions are felt physically, which is why identifying your physical sensations first will help you connect what you’re feeling physically to what you’re feeling emotionally.  Pull out a feelings chart or other resource to help you put words to what emotion or emotions you’re experiencing. 

As mentioned earlier, anger is a common immediate emotional reaction.  While anger can be a primary emotion, often it serves as a secondary emotion covering over feelings of hurt, anger, anxiety, stress, or loneliness.  If you notice anger, ask yourself: is there another emotion driving this anger?  Even asking this question can be challenging.  Anger covers those other emotions because they are vulnerable, and anger is a way to power up and protect yourself rather than accessing the pain associated with the primary emotion.

What happened?

Now it’s time to review what actually happened.  In some cases, you aren’t aware of what specific event led to feeling activated.  If this is true, you’ll need to trace back to the first moment you felt this way and review what was going on at the time.  If you are aware of a certain interaction or event that precipitated the activation, start there.

Write out the events leading up to becoming activated as if you’re describing a scene from a movie.  What did you observe with your five senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste?  Who was involved?  What were the exact words said (as much as you can approximate)?

How did I interpret what happened?

Have you ever seen an image of Rubin’s vase?  Depending on your perspective, you’ll see a different picture.  If you’re looking at the white portion of the image, you’ll see a vase.  If you focus on the black side, you’ll see two faces in profile.

The same is true of events that cause this activating response.  Your thoughts and interpretations about the events are going to be influenced by your perspective and unique experience.  I appreciate phrasing this question as “what did I make up about this?” As coined by Pia Mellody, this question helps identify that what you observed and what you think about it aren’t the same thing.

Has a boundary been crossed?

Anger in response to activation can be an indicator that a boundary line has been crossed.  That boundary line might be crossed by the other person, or it can be crossed by you.

Let me explain what I mean.  It’s easy to see when a boundary line is crossed by someone else.  You’ve made an agreement or said no, but it isn’t respected.  If that’s the case, identify where the boundary line has been crossed and communicate that boundary directly.  Clarify what you will do in response if that boundary line is crossed again to take care of yourself.  In some cases, you may not need to say this directly at all – you may simply need to change how you respond in the future.

On the other hand, you might be crossing a boundary line on your own.  Each individuals’ thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs are his or her own responsibility.  If I am trying to take responsibility for controlling or changing someone else’s thoughts, emotions, actions and beliefs, then I am crossing a boundary line.  Or vice versa: if I am blaming someone else for how I am thinking, feeling, or behaving, that’s a boundary violation. I’m shifting the blame to them as opposed to taking responsibility for my own reaction.  In this case, the next step is to redirect your attention to something you can control: in this case, your own thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs.

What do I need?

Reflect on what you wish would have happened in this situation instead.  Connect to the previous traumatic experiences you’ve had where you’ve felt similarly (even as far back as childhood) and identify what needs you had then that weren’t met.  Do you need a stronger boundary?  Do you need to practice self-care?  Do you need to make a request or another individual involved for clarification or support?

Once you’ve figured out these needs, identify how you can meet that need through what you can control.  You aren’t able to force another person to do what you want them to do, but you can request help or support from a spouse or friends.  You can change your own behavior to meet needs in healthy ways.

How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?

Usually the experience of getting activated is enough to send you into a tailspin.  At this point, you might need to do some damage control self-care to calm your emotions and enter back into your window of tolerance.

Note that, when I’m talking self-care, I’m not referring to the type of “self-care” as ladies night with wine and binge-eating chocolate.  I mean actually taking care of your needs in a healthy way, even if it challenges you to do something you don’t feel like doing.  For example, if you realize part of what led to you being activated was being hungry and having low blood sugar, self-care involves eating something nourishing and nutritious to help balance that out.  When I’ve been sitting around all day, I know I’m more likely to be irritable.  Taking action to go outside for a walk or complete a productive task is self-care in this situation, as it shifts my mood.

An Example

Let’s take the scenario at the top of this article and apply these questions to see what we learn.

• What is going on in your body?  You feel heat in your cheeks and adrenaline coursing through your veins.  Your stomach and chest feel tight.  Your muscles feel tense.

• What emotion are you feeling?  Anger, fear, hurt

• What happened?  My husband communicated he would arrive home at 6pm but he did not arrive back until 7:30pm.  When he came in the door, he apologized for his lateness and explained that the flight had been delayed and he was unable to contact me to tell me.

• How did I interpret what happened? At about 6:20, I started to panic.  The story I made up was that he stopped by the strip club or one of his former affair partners’ homes on the way back from the airport and that was why he was late.

• Has a boundary been crossed?  We earlier agreed that if there were any change in travel plans, he would communicate those to me.  He could have sent a text or email to let me know it was delayed.  At the same time, I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions, and my reaction in our argument crossed a boundary line.

• What do I need? From him, I need commitment to clear communication about his travel plans.  From myself, I need grounding in the present and regulation of my emotions so I can see what’s true.

• How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?  I can ask directly for my spouse to re-commit to the boundary that we originally set.  I can call a friend and process my emotions with her.  I can spend time journaling or praying to practice emotional self-care.

Why You Do What You Do: Using the Tree Model to Understand Your Behaviors

If you’re ever noticed yourself caught in destructive cycles of behavior or dysfunctional thought patterns and not understood how to stop, you’re probably like most of us.  Maybe you’ve found yourself in one of these situations:

• You’re noticing negative and critical thoughts about yourself and wondering where they’re coming from.

• You wonder why you can’t seem to maintain a solid friendship or romantic relationship.

• The intense pressure and fear you feel around being perfect plagues you.

• You find yourself struggling with eating and body image, no matter what solution you try.

• You’re constantly feeling taken advantage of by others.

• You’re dealing with an addiction that feels impossible to understand.

When you don’t have a framework to understand why you do what you do, it can feel like you’re flailing in search of an answer.  You might have tried solution after solution, finding that none of them seem to stick.  Or instead, you put your head in the sand and pretend like you don’t have any problems.  Often, we blame other people or circumstances for these behaviors or thoughts, which only keeps us trapped in the vicious cycle that got us there in the first place.

There’s a reason you do what you do, even if you haven’t fully uncovered it yet.  Often our behaviors stem from unconscious forces at work within us that are influenced by experiences in our early life, like trauma in our family-of-origin or experiences growing up that taught us certain lessons in life.  These can be positive or negative behaviors that were modeled or experienced.  They seem “normal” at the time, because you don’t know any different until you’re in a situation where someone has a different perspective.

Let’s use the image of a tree as a reference point to help us make sense out of these destructive cycles.  (I am indebted to the Harvest USA Tree Model outlined in their book Sexual Sanity for Women for inspiring this imagery).

The Tree Model

Imagine an image of an apple tree.  Your eyes are drawn to the red, plump fruit hanging from the branches. But what distinguishes a tree that produces good, healthy fruit from one that produces sickly or diseased fruit?  Much of that has to do with the health of the soil, the roots, and the inside of the tree itself: things that we cannot see or touch, but that have essential roles in the growth of a tree.

The Fruit

Let’s start with the fruit.  The fruit of the tree represents the results we see in our lives.  These are visible and external.  Good or healthy fruit may signify areas that are going well in our lives.  But fruit can also be negative: problems or issues we can’t seem to shake.  These are hard to miss when they cause us distress or pain.  Any of the situations mentioned at the beginning of this article would be categorized as fruit.

What results are you seeing in your life with which you are dissatisfied?  What do you want to be different?

The Branches

The branches that produce the fruit are the actions we take in our lives that contribute to the results we like or don’t like.  Leaves or other branches may obscure some of these, signifying that you might not be aware of some of these behaviors.  At the very least, you may not know why you do these behaviors until we explore more deeply. 

Which of your behaviors make this problem or issue worse?  Are there behaviors that you’ve tried to use to solve the problem, but they’ve failed?

The Trunk

Tree trunks include a core with rings showing layers that have grown over the course of time.  In our model, the trunk represents the core beliefs and emotions that motivate the actions that spill out onto the branches.  These might be beliefs you have about yourself, others, God, or the world around you that influence your behavior.  Paying attention to the thoughts going through your mind when you’re engaging in your “branches” behaviors might shed some light on these core beliefs.

What do you believe about yourself when you’re dealing with this problem?  What is the narrative you make up as to why your attempts to change haven’t worked?

The Roots

Roots reach down into the soil to get nourishment and strength, which in turn, feed the trunk.  Our roots represent legitimate desires or needs that were either met or not met and have influenced our core beliefs.  These legitimate desires become problematic when they take primary importance over everything else in your life or when you seek to meet them through unhealthy practices.  False intimacy experienced through sex and love addiction rather than fostering healthy (and often more difficulty) intimacy with a spouse or friend is one example of this. 

You might struggle to see your desires as legitimate, particularly when they feel self-focused or destructive. But I believe all desires are legitimate when they get down to their core.  Let’s say you desire to be rich.  When we explore the “why” behind that desire, we may find that growing up in poverty, you associated wealth with security and safety.  Being rich represents an experience of feeling safe.  Therefore, the true desire underneath is the desire for security and safety.

What core desire or desires underly your behaviors and results?  What are you hoping for, at your core?

The Soil

Finally, the soil, which provides nourishment for the tree, represents circumstances or people in your past that have answered your desires in healthy or unhealthy ways.  Often these are things you cannot control, as in other people, your inborn personality or body type, influences from media or the church, trauma, or other cultural messages.  This soil formulates the lens through which you view yourself, others, and the world.

While we cannot blame these external factors for our current behaviors, it is important to acknowledge their influence and normalize where our core beliefs were solidified by these experiences.

What experiences and perspectives from your past inform the problem you’re dealing with today?  What messages have you received that have impacted your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world?

Making it Personal

How do I apply this tree model to my own life?

First, take something that is going well in your life and trace it backwards, starting with the fruit.  Identify what actions contribute to that particular circumstance or experience.  Notice what thoughts or emotions led you to those actions.  Identify the desires you are meeting.  Pay attention to what circumstance or person taught you to meet your desire in that way.

Now repeat the same process with a problem or issue.  Here are a few examples to help you get started:

Positive Example

• Fruit: A good friendship

• Branches: Spending time with one another regularly, having fun together

• Trunk: Friendships are important to my well-being.  I’m capable of making friends.  I feel love and comfort when I’m around my friend.

• Roots: desires for connection and closeness

• Soil: I always saw my mother relying on her friends when she was stressed or having a hard time.  I learned that habit from her.

Problem Example

• Fruit: I can’t stay in a romantic relationship.  I find myself getting bored quickly.

• Branches: I seek out dating and the rush or the beginning of the relationship.  But after we’ve been dating for a while, I get bored and then end the relationship.

• Trunk: I’m no good at relationships.  I’m incapable of making a healthy relationship work.  I feel shame and guilt.

• Roots: desire to be loved and wanted

• Soil: My father was an alcoholic and often chose the drama of his addiction over loving his family.  I learned that I wasn’t worth quitting and addiction for, no matter how hard I tried to make him love me.

Remember, just as is the case with actual trees, you might find several different branches, roots, and influences from the soil that create the fruit you’re producing in this area.  Often I bring in a second metaphor here: the spiral staircase of healing.  You might come across the same issue from multiple angles, just like you would if you were climbing a spiral staircase.  But you have a different perspective on it each time you move forward.

As you explore these roots, this forms the foundation of change: change in your thinking patterns, releasing old trauma, and diagnosing the issue so you know how best to address what’s at the core.  This is significantly better than just attempting to fix the fruit.  If you get at the roots and trunk and change what’s happening there, the fruit will follow.

The Evolving Nature of Addiction Recovery: How to Keep Growing After Getting Sober

You’ve made it past the early stages of recovery.  Crisis mode has passed. You’re no longer just trying to get sober and understand your addiction.  You have a recovery plan in place.  Maybe you’ve achieved a major milestone, like a year of sobriety.  Or perhaps you’ve completed your 12 Steps.  You feel confident in yourself and your progress.  But you also might be wondering: what now?

Focusing on recovery as a lifestyle rather than as a one-time event is crucial once you’ve made it past the initial crisis of establishing sobriety.  The 12 Step model encourages you to go over the steps repeatedly for that reason.  Similarly, Patrick Carnes has developed a 30 Task Model, of which only the first seven steps are related to the beginning tasks of getting sober and understanding your addiction.  The later steps go on to making greater, long-term changes in your life.

Assess your progress.

Acknowledge where you are in the 12 Steps.

If you haven’t yet completed the 12 Steps, this is a good place to start.  Review which of these steps you have not yet fully completed.  There are certain steps, like Step Four and Steps Eight and Nine, that are particularly difficult because they require time and effort.  Making amends and learning how to forgive are challenging but necessary steps in this process.

Ask your sponsor, recovery friends, or support group for feedback.

The people who have supported your recovery work so far likely know you and your recovery best.  If asked, they may be willing to suggest a few options based on their experience of you.

Maybe you are letting things slip now that you’re feeling better.  You aren’t attending meetings or your support group as frequently, or you’re neglecting to reach out to people who are supporting your recovery.  Your self-care may be lacking.  The people who have been in your corner thus far will notice these things and give feedback.

If you don’t have a sponsor or anyone to ask, then getting a sponsor, building more deeply into recovery relationships, or joining a support group needs to be your next step.

Go back over your first step.

As you review your first step, see if you can add any additional information, now that you have more knowledge of addiction.  Identify factors (seemingly) unrelated to your addiction that may have been exacerbating the problem.  Challenges such as arguments with spouse, parenting difficulties, or overworking can be patterns that you’re likely to continue unless they are addressed.

Pinpoint other addictions.

Do you noticed any other addictive patterns in your life?  It is common to replace one addictive behavior with another: drinking copious amounts of coffee for the caffeine high when you’re recovering from alcoholism; using shopping or overworking as a way to cope with the stress of letting go of sex and love addiction.  This can be another way to self-medicate and avoid the tougher tasks of recovery.  Have you replaced one “drama” with another?

Check on the status of intimacy in your relationships.

Recovery requires creating healthy intimacy in relationships with yourself, your friends, and your significant other.  Healthy intimacy is not limited to sexual intimacy: instead, it means learning how to be vulnerable and connected to people without being held back by fear.  This starts with learning to be vulnerable and connected to yourself: recognizing your emotions, accepting your experience, and addressing your critical self-talk.

Identify any losses you have not yet grieved.

Often addiction comes from numbing out and escaping from feelings of loss or pain.  Therefore, avoiding the grieving process might have fueled your addiction.  Also, leaving the addiction behind is its own grieving process.  Identify areas where you might have unresolved grief or pain that needs to be processed.

It also might be time, now that you have more mental and emotional space, to begin to address some of the deeper issues that led you to addiction in the first place.  You may have early trauma in your past that led to negative core beliefs about your worth or value that have lingered.  It might involve destructive patterns in relationship with your spouse or friends that need a more major overhaul.

Recognize any additional amends that need to be made.

Incorporated into the 12 Steps is a requirement to make amends for past wrongs or failures toward others.  Making amends can be a one-time act in some cases, particularly for those with whom you have little interaction.  If you are married or in a long-term relationship, however, amends is an ongoing process.  Working with your partner on rebuilding trust is a goal that can propel you forward into living amends with them.

How to Take Action

Create or revisit your Personal Craziness Index (PCI).

The Personal Craziness Index is a tracking tool designed by Patrick Carnes and outlined in his book Facing the Shadow that can help you identify signs that you’re slipping away from living into your recovery.  Becoming conscious of the factors that are contributing to or taking away from your recovery over a period of 12 weeks can give you an idea of goals to be working toward.

Experiment with healthy intimacy.

Once you are able to connect with your own emotions and experience, then you can work on becoming intimate in more healthy ways in your friendships.  Choosing vulnerability in relationships is a strong way to foster connection, as Brené Brown suggests.  Look for opportunities to grow in intimacy, and ask for feedback from those with whom you are in relationship.

Do trauma work in therapy.

If you are working with an individual therapist, now might be the time to transition to processing past trauma.  There are several methods of trauma processing that are effective, but I personally am a fan of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or EMDR.

You might be wondering what trauma to focus on processing first.  If this is the case, I’d recommend working on a trauma egg, which is a tool to help you make sense of the impact of your family-of-origin and other influences on your experiences of past trauma.

Actively grieve losses.

Write a psalm of lament.  Write a letter to the person, item, dream, or ideal that was lost.  Identify what you’ve missed about the loss.  Consider what you’ve gained from the experience of walking through loss.

Shift your focus to a new area of growth.

After establishing sobriety and having more mental and emotional space, you might find that you need to focus on improving communication in your marriage, creating stronger friendships, growing in parenting skills, or dealing with workplace issues.

Once you identify which of these areas still needs work, make this a focus of your growth.  Go to marriage counseling if you’re wanting to restore your marriage.  If you’re looking to build more relationships outside of your 12 Step group, join a club or group at your church or in your town.  Work with your child’s teachers to help you grow as a parent.  If you’re dissatisfied with your career, consider career counseling or switching your job.