Surrender to the Process: Task 3 in Carnes’ 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

A common struggle for addicts entering recovery is the tug-of-war of their desires: wanting to stop acting out while still feeling a pull toward addictive behaviors.  Early in recovery, there’s often an expectation from yourself or from a spouse or loved one to change instantaneously.  And at the beginning, that can feel possible: after discovery or disclosure of addiction, you might have an immediate sense of disgust or distaste for the addiction that fuels sobriety. But with time, that initial emotional response subsides, and the addiction can easily come back when the underlying roots of the problem are still hidden.

One of these underlying roots is a sense of control: a belief that you can force yourself to stop your addictive behaviors, you are in control of your own recovery, and you can pick and choose what you do to get better.  Notice, however, that one of the hallmarks of addiction is repeated attempts to stop without success.  Often early attempts to stop are half-hearted, done in isolation, or not informed by recovery principles. 

The momentary willingness that comes after disclosure or discovery will not turn into long-term sobriety unless there is a recognition that past attempts to control don’t work.  Unless there is a true surrender of control, change will not last.

Surrender to the Process vs. Attempts to Control

What is Surrender?

Surrender is a recognition of the reality that you do not have the power to get better from your addiction on your own or by manipulating or controlling your recovery.  This ties into 12 Step work and breaking through denial as you recognize your own powerlessness and unmanageability.

Surrender acknowledges that the attempts you’ve made to change have been futile.  Often, this is because they are done by yourself without the support or accountability of others.  Or because you approach recovery in a piecemeal fashion, only choosing to do some things and leaving behind necessary tasks for your recovery that stir up discomfort.  Or you may be still on the fence about recovery in general.

What is Control?

Control happens when we believe that we are not powerless and that we can do the work of recovery on our own.  This often leads to white-knuckling, a term that refers to forcing yourself to stop acting out behaviors by sheer willpower.  The term “dry drunk” refers to someone who may not be acting out in their addiction, but hasn’t addressed the underlying root causes of the addiction to create lasting, holistic life change because they are still seeking control. 

Control can be obvious, as in some of the examples above, but it can also show up in subtle ways.  When you are only doing some of the work of recovery and ignoring putting into practice that which makes you feel uncomfortable, you are exercising your own control.  Control shows up in comparing yourself to others in recovery, seeing yourself as better or more capable than them.  Thoughts like “if I just do better, then it will all be fine,” are denial statements that foster this sense of control, but then lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, or self-hatred when you cannot follow through on change.  Another indicator is a lack of willingness to rely on others for support or help through the process, meaning you aren’t attending meetings, don’t have a sponsor, and have no accountability with other group members.

Characteristics of Surrender

Surrender requires you to be uncomfortable.  When you’re surrendering to the process of recovery, you will feel discomfort with some of what you are tasked to do.  You might not like some of the early restrictions or accountability you need to put in place, like an internet blocker, location tracking app, or daily accountability with a sponsor.  But remember that picking and choosing what you feel comfortable with in recovery is a setup for slips and relapse.

Surrender releases anxiety to experience peace.  When you are attempting to stay in control, you put incredible pressure on yourself to change on your own, followed by devastating shame when you inevitably fail.  If you choose to surrender to the process, you can experience the peace of knowing that you aren’t alone and help is available. 

Surrender requires that you say no.  You will need to learn what your limits are in recovery.   We like to think that we can do everything we want and resist temptation to act out in addiction, but this isn’t true. One of the ways denial perpetuates addiction is to tell you that you should “test your strength” or “test your resolve” by putting yourself in risky situations. But this is another form of ritual and preparation for acting out.  You need to identify appropriate boundaries and restrictions early on to set yourself up for success.  Addicts are notoriously bad at boundaries – that’s part of the addiction – so surrendering to boundaries that others help you identify or that have been tenets of the 12 Step recovery process are necessary. 

The Spiritual Nature of Surrender

If we can’t do recovery on our own, then what does that mean? Who can do it for us?

Surrender is a spiritual discipline.  Recognizing the role of God in this process is essential.  In 12 Step, incorporating God or your Higher Power involves recognizing something bigger than yourself that is guiding you toward health, because your self isn’t cutting it.  Step Two and Step Three of the 12 Step program dig into this exploration in more detail. 

Surrender to God or a Higher Power can be a tricky endeavor for those whose views of God are complicated, who have difficulty trusting in God, or who don’t believe God has the power to create change.  These roadblocks are worth working out in the context of your 12 Step group or with your sponsor.  At the bare minimum, believing that there is something outside of yourself that will guide you through recovery, even if it is as simple as the 12 Step process or your work with a sponsor, gives you a good place to start.

Practical Steps for Task 3

Ask for help.

The easiest way to recognize surrender in someone is their willingness to no longer tackle the addiction on their own, but to actively seek out help from others.  This can come in the form of joining a 12 Step group, therapy group, support group, or going to counseling.  Take it a step further by connecting with a sponsor or other group members for contact outside of the group.  Recognize that asking for help requires vulnerability and openness: you need to share the realities of your addiction openly with someone rather than offering partial information.

Identify your Higher Power.

This can be the God of the Bible if you are a Christian believer, or can have a foundation from your religious background.  If you chafe at the idea of religion, you may choose the 12 Step group, people who have gone before you in recovery, recovery itself, or a particular value you hold like love or compassion.  Again, seek to identify something bigger than yourself and have conversations with others in the program to open yourself up to faith and be curious about this process. 

Name denial-based roadblocks.

Denial in your thoughts can be a major factor that keeps you in control and prevents you from offering full surrender.  When you look at the subtle types of control listed above, do you identify with any of them?  Make a list of the denial statements that are most common to you that fuel these attempts to control.  They can include thoughts like, “I don’t need to do that,” “I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “other people might need 12 Step, but I don’t.” 

Now consider: what have you tried before in terms of your recovery?  How successful was it?  Is your denial telling you the truth or not?  Look also at what beliefs might be causing you to resist placing trust in your Higher Power or in the support of others.

Grieve the losses associated with surrender.

Surrendering addiction is hard, often because it can feel like you’re giving up the only coping mechanism you have available when stress or other painful emotions arise.  There are aspects of addiction that were appealing or pleasurable to you, and you will need to let go of them.  It also may require you to let go of the belief that you are in control or that you are capable of stopping on your own.  Surrender is a process of letting go.

Remind yourself of your commitment.

When you choose to surrender, it is not a one-and-done moment.  Surrender is a daily practice.  Repeatedly remember your commitment to surrender through a daily reminder, as with a spiritual practice like prayer, journaling, or meditation.  You might choose a mantra or repeated phrase like, “I can’t, but God can,” or “I choose to surrender to the process of recovery.”  Use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Regularly reinforce this commitment through the support of a church or religious community.

Invite others to help with boundary-setting.

As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding and implementation of healthy boundaries is a characteristic of addiction.  Recovery requires going back to basics with boundaries.  Sit down with your sponsor and talk about your limits and what you should say no to in early recovery, even if you don’t want to.  Get specific and honest here about what you truly need.  Your sponsor will help you explore which triggers are in your control and those you can’t control to help you adapt your boundaries accordingly.  Talk to others in your group with similar acting out behaviors about what boundaries they found effective in early recovery and choose to adopt some of theirs if they strike a chord in you.  Read stories of those who have been successful in recovery, many of which can be found in the foundational text of your 12 Step fellowship, and imitate some of the changes they made if they are relevant to you.

Breaking Through Denial: Task 1 in Carnes' 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

What do you do after you realize you have a problem with sex and love addiction?  Maybe you’ve been found out by a spouse or significant other, and you know you need to get help.  Perhaps you’ve had legal or financial consequences that put you in a position to make some serious changes.  You may have even begun therapy with a counselor to address your addictive behaviors.  But what does treatment for sex and love addiction look like?

The 30 Task Model

Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer in research and literature on sex addiction, designed his treatment model centered around 30 essential tasks to recovery.  These 30 tasks are broken into three sections: early recovery tasks, long-term recovery tasks (internal and external), and relational/family recovery.  He explores the first seven of these tasks in his workbook Facing the Shadow, while the next set of tasks is outlined in the follow-up books The Recovery Zone 1 & 2.

While all thirty of these tasks need to be addressed during the 3-5 year period of recovery from addiction, they aren’t necessarily completed in order.  You may find yourself working on spirituality (task #30) while you’re in the early stages of learning more about addiction (task #2) and establishing sobriety (task #5).  Or you may find that, several years into your recovery, you need to break through denial (task #1) about a new area of addiction that has replaced your sexual acting out (task #8).  Or while you’re working on your marriage relationship (task #27), you’re also grieving the losses your addiction has created in your marriage (task #12).

The 30 tasks don’t directly correlate with the 12 Steps, they share much of the same DNA.  For example, task #3 (surrender to the process) is very similar to what you’d find in Step 2 and Step 3.  In fact, task #7 (participate in a culture of support) is implemented through involvement in support groups and 12 Step programs.

The 30 Task Model can give you a roadmap to follow in treatment for sex and love addiction.  They can also be a helpful reference point when you’re in the middle of recovery and looking for what’s next or when you find yourself getting off track.  I’ve used them in sessions with clients as a means to define our goals together and as a self-assessment to identify potential areas for continued growth. 

In this series, we’ll take an in-depth look at each of the 30 tasks in Carnes’ model and explore some of his recommended activities (as well as a few of my own) for addressing this task or returning to it later in recovery.  Kavod Psychotherapy created a reference diagram briefly describing each of these 30 tasks.  More information on the tasks can be found in Facing the Shadow, The Recovery Zone series, or the Recovery Start Kit, all created by Dr. Patrick Carnes. 

Task 1: Break Through Denial

The essential starting point for any addict in recovery is the shift in thinking from “I don’t have a problem” or “this isn’t a big deal” into facing the reality of the presence of addiction and its destructive power in your life.

To put the label of “addiction” on your behaviors can be challenging, as we often associate addiction with moral failure or flaws.  Denial allows you to avoid a sense of shame or guilt about these behaviors.  Labeling behaviors as addiction also compels you to change, while denial can justify or minimize the impact of your behaviors.

Often the first call to break through denial comes when a loved one, like a spouse, finds out about your compulsive sexual behaviors.  This often begins the process of therapy and support.  Sometimes you’ve experienced a sense of guilt or being unable to stop that you’ve been aware of, but there isn’t any motivation to make a change until you hit that crisis point. 

Practical Steps for Task 1

Take an addiction-related assessment.

When you begin working with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), they’ll typically encourage you to take one of a few different types of assessment to compare your symptoms and behaviors to a norm.

One is a quick inventory that you can take on your own: The Sexual Addiction Screening Test, or SAST.  This compares responses from a non-addicted population to a population of self-reported sex addicts.  This way, you can see whether or not you fall within range of normal behavior or addictive behavior. 

If your scores from the SAST put you in range of addictive behavior, you may be asked by your therapist to take a Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI).  This is a much more extensive assessment that helps you clarify the form your addiction takes, as well as various additional measures that identify potential roots for the addiction.  Some of the questions for this particular assessment are found in the Facing the Shadow book in Chapter 3, so you can review those on your own if you choose.

Another alternative is to compare your experience of compulsive sexual behaviors with the criteria for addiction listed in the DSM-5.  While there isn’t yet a diagnostic category for sexual addiction in the DSM, you can use the same criteria as alcohol or drug use disorder and simply replace the substance listed in the criteria with compulsive sexual behaviors.

Write out any problems or consequences you’re experiencing.

Make a list of any problems you’re facing in your life, whether they are obviously addiction-related or not.  Often problems seem unrelated to the addiction, but their solutions can be influenced by the time and energy the addiction takes.

Examine your list to identify which of these are either directly caused by or intensified by your compulsive sexual behaviors.  Include not only physical consequences you may have had as a result of the addiction but also emotional and spiritual consequences.

Make a list of the secrets you are keeping and from whom you are keeping them.

Addiction thrives in secrecy.  One major way to break through denial is to identify where that secrecy is taking place.  This deception can be about major things, like hiding your compulsive sexual behaviors for fear of rejection or pain.  But they can also be about minor things, like finding yourself compulsively lying or hiding aspects of who you are as a person.

Take note of these, as well as from whom you’ve been hiding them.  Notice if there is anyone in your life who knows everything.  If not, be curious about why that is.  If you run into a pattern of presenting a different person in different contexts, explore what might be influencing that behavior. 

Recognize the “stinkin’ thinkin’” of addiction.

Denial exists primarily in our minds as a way of interpreting our behaviors and our thoughts.  It can show up as making excuses, minimizing, justifying, feelings of entitlement, blame-shifting, taking on the victim role, and many others.

Begin to recognize the beliefs you have that allow you to continue on in your addiction.  Utilize resources such as this article to identify different types of beliefs that might show up in your denial.

Sometimes these beliefs are so strong that they’re hard to label as denial.  Understanding delusion and self-deception can help make sense of these thoughts and place them into the correct category.

Tell the whole story to someone.

Once you’ve sorted through how denial functions to protect you from facing the reality of your addiction, now you can work against that denial by sharing your story of addiction with a safe and trusted person.  This person could be your therapist, sponsor, pastor or spiritual mentor, or a close friend who has offered understanding and empathy when you’ve talked about difficult things in the past.  It may be helpful to write a letter or narrative to help you express your thoughts and ensure that you are as honest as possible.

Many 12 Step programs encourage you to share this information in your First Step.  You might share parts of your story with a group during a regular meeting or present your First Step as a whole to the group.  Telling another sex and love addict in recovery can be helpful, particularly in a group setting. They will know how and when to challenge you, as they can relate to the experience in a unique way.

Obviously, it can be challenging to work up the courage to share your First Step with the group in a way that feels supportive and kind to yourself. Get connected to a sponsor or other support individual and share with them first before you do so in a more public form.  In the meantime, listen to others’ First Steps to consider what pieces of your story relate to theirs.

Check your story with others.

The way we perceive the world, especially when it comes to our own actions, isn’t always the way others see it.  If you’re wondering about the impact of your behaviors and you feel able or comfortable to do so, ask others.  Similarly, you can observe when others in your group talk about the impact of their addiction on their loved ones and draw connections to how your loved ones may be feeling.

If you are married or in a significant relationship with another person, you may go through a formal disclosure process at some point.  As part of the disclosure, your loved one will read you an impact letter they’ve written that describes how they have felt as a result of your addiction.  This can be a helpful experience to come back to as a reminder of the reality of the pain caused by your behaviors. 

Repeat.

Keep coming back to these components of breaking through denial at each stage of your recovery.  You might find the stinkin’ thinkin’ re-emerges when you’re about to face a new challenge to your sobriety.  At around 6-8 months of sobriety, you may become overconfident and observe some of these denial patterns coming back in again.

Create and add to a list of beliefs that push you into addiction, denial statements, entitlement, and excuse-making statements so you can continue to recognize those thought patterns when they come up.  The more you are able to recognize and be on guard for this denial, the more likely you will be to catch it and redirect into your recovery.

The Role of Self-Deception in Addicts and Betrayed Partners

One of the most important steps toward recovery in sex and love addiction is getting honest about your addiction.  In the 12 Steps, Step 1 and Step 4 both involve admitting you have a problem and taking a fearless moral inventory of your behaviors.

Deception in relationships with others is one of the most obvious indicators of addiction, including hiding behaviors from your spouse or partner, secretly using at work, or doing whatever you can to mask the problem from your family or friends.

The outward deception characteristic of addiction is often fueled by an inner self-deception.  The addictive behaviors often do not fit with what you want to believe about yourself, and so you justify them, explain them away, or just live in complete denial of their impact.

Self-deception not only happens for the addict, but it can also be present in betrayed partners reeling from the discovery of addiction.  Sometimes self-deception happens before discovering the addiction, as partners can sense intuitively that something is wrong but ignored warning signs.  Other times self-deception happens after discovery as partners seek to make sense of the fact that their loved one and primary adult attachment figure is also a source of great pain in their lives.

Types of Self-Deception

One common type of self-deception is shame-based hiding.  You don’t like what you’re doing to yourself or to others, so you’d rather hide than think about what that says about you.  This might be accompanied by shame-based core beliefs , such as “there’s something wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough.”

Another way to self-deceive is through being a “chameleon,” conforming to the expectations of others.  Essentially, you become whatever you need to be, depending on the person or situation you are in.  You may imitate other people to get what you want or manage the image others have of you.  Unfortunately, with time, this self-deception can lead you to lose a sense of your personal identity.

Creating confusion through chaos and distraction arises as another strategy of self-deception, particularly present in addiction.  An addict using this strategy can mask their addictive behavior, protecting their outlet for escape or relief from painful emotions.  This chaos takes on a life of its own with time as it alienates others and interferes with the structure needed in an addict’s life to work an effective recovery. 

All of these strategies are connected to denial of the presence or power of the addiction. Self-deception strategies can be fueled by denial or provide their own form of justification.

Why self-deceive?

A way to protect yourself from reality.

The truth, especially when addiction is involved, can be incredibly painful.  We don’t enjoy feeling pain.  Lying to yourself can create a buffer between you and the challenging reality such that you limit your experience of pain.  For a betrayed partner, this can be a way of coping with the seismic shift in reality that occurs once you discover the addiction. 

A way to support outward deception and image management.

Lying to yourself can make it easier to lie to other people and get away with it.  When you believe the lies yourself, you seem more convincing.  You may want to maintain the image others have of you, so you begin to lie to protect that image.  Shame about who you truly are propels you to present something different out of belief that others wouldn't like the real you, a feeling of not being good enough, or a host of other negative core beliefs about yourself.

A way to guard you from cognitive dissonance.

When your actions and your values don’t line up, this creates a threat to your identity.  We often cope with this type of cognitive dissonance by altering the way we think about our behaviors through self-deception.  We begin to justify, minimize, and rationalize what we do as a way to feel better about ourselves.  You may begin with some awareness that this is self-deception, but with time, the lies you tell yourself and others begin to feel true. 

Access to attachment and survival needs.

As humans, we have deeply rooted needs for love, acceptance, closeness, and intimacy that have been ingrained in us from our birth.  In particular, when our attachment needs as children were damaged through abuse, neglect, or lack of attunement from our parents, these needs grow even stronger and can take priority over values of honesty or integrity.  Fear of abandonment, loneliness, isolation, and rejection can feel crippling, so self-deception functions as a way to avoid that pain. 

A response to fear.

When we feel fear, our brains go into survival mode, kicking up our fight-or-flight response.  Perhaps in the past, honesty meant you would receive abuse in your family-of-origin.  Fear of separation or divorce can be terrifying for either the addict or the betrayed partner.  At the same time, fear of intimacy can lead to further hiding, as honesty is an invitation to closeness.  If intimacy and vulnerability were unsafe for you due to experiences of abuse or neglect, self-deception is a way to avoid that fear.

Why do we need to stop self-deceiving?

Self-deception leads to neurological changes in the brain.  When lying becomes a practice, our brains become conditioned to lie, such that we may find ourselves lying even when it is unnecessary.  Once this practice becomes rooted in neurochemistry, it becomes much more complicated to change, so catching self-deception as early as possible is important.

Self-deception also creates disconnection and separation in your relationship as you become unwilling to talk about your desires and needs.  Image management can come into play when you disagree with something and don’t believe that it is okay to disagree.  When there isn’t space to have conversations about what you need, both partners become unhappy, and this affects desire and attraction toward one another.

When self-deception has been common practice throughout a marriage or relationship, it creates broken trust and lack of respect.  Selfishness and power dynamics begin to take over and create a toxic dance that leaves both partners feeling dissatisfied and hurt.

The Way to End Self-Deception

Gain more self-awareness.

Start to do your own self-reflection through therapy and recovery work.  This can be a challenging process, as you will be asked to look more directly at the same and pain from which your self-deception has allowed you to hide.  It is important to maintain self-compassion during this stage, remembering that self-deception developed out of a protective instinct that served you in some way, but now is interfering with your life.

Practice honesty in small things.

When self-deception becomes ingrained, it can feel like second nature to lie about things that aren’t important.  Take steps to practice honesty about those small things.  Communicate smaller needs and work your way up to naming larger ones.  Take responsibility when you slip into a lie and go back to correct it.  Recognize your boundaries: you don’t have to use image management in an attempt to control others.

Create space for connection with others.

Offering connection to your partner or others directly addresses your attachment needs.  This can feel incredibly vulnerable, so couples counseling may be helpful in guiding you toward this practice.  You can regulate challenging emotions through physical connection with your spouse, like eye contact and touch that feels safe to you.  Practicing your ability to offer and receive empathy can also allow for a greater sense of connection.

Move toward greater authenticity.

As you grow in knowledge and understanding of yourself, you will be better equipped to express that knowledge and self-acceptance in relationships with others.  Self-reflection can help you learn new ways of dealing with painful emotions, including inviting others in to support you and offer empathy.

Facing Your Powerlessness in Addiction Recovery

The First Step of any 12 Step program requires you to admit your powerlessness over your drug of choice.  This shows that admitting powerlessness is a foundational component of seeking healing.  Why is that?

Have you ever heard the term “dry drunk”?  It refers to an alcoholic who hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but hasn’t admitted to their own powerlessness over the addiction.  They may not be drinking anymore, but the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that got them into alcoholism in the first place haven’t changed.  Getting sober this way sets you up for relapse because the deeper causes and reasons for your addiction aren’t being addressed, they’re just being avoided. Recovery is a multifaceted approach to addressing addiction that requires serious life reflection and commitment to change.

You cannot heal from addiction independent from the support of others, God, and the tools of recovery.  Thinking you ought to have power over your addiction is like thinking you can tough your way through a major illness: there are biological realities at play in addiction with which you need to contend.  Believing you have control over your addiction shows pride in thinking you can handle it all on your own.  It also shows a lack of recognition of the role of God, or a Power higher than yourself, as the power you need to rely on to draw you out of powerlessness against addiction.

What is powerlessness?

To recognize powerlessness over your addiction is to face the reality that you don’t have the self-control, discipline, or power to stop your addiction on your own. Usually this is highlighted by continuing addictive behaviors despite (sometimes severe) consequences for your actions.  Maybe you’ve violated your personal values in your addiction, or you’ve gone further or deeper than you expected you would.  You recognize that none of your efforts to stop have truly worked, and that the addiction has caused destruction and chaos in your life.

Admitting powerlessness requires getting honest with yourself about reality, instead of the “stinkin’ thinkin’” (delusion and denial) that enables your addiction.  It involves realizing that your attempts at self-control are not cutting it, and that you need to rely on others to support you in gaining discipline and control. 

It may seem like admitting powerlessness is giving up, but the exact opposite is true.  Powerlessness isn’t meant to lead to hopelessness, but rather to a greater sense of hope and agency in your life.  Recognizing this powerlessness over addiction is not the same as saying you have no power to create change in your life.  Instead, it means that the way out of your addiction requires you to rely on the support of other people, God, and the time-tested tool of recovery as lifelines to pull you out of the raging sea of addiction. 

As you ask yourself whether or not you’re recognizing your own powerlessness, there are a few different phrases or ways of thinking to notice.  Pay attention to the statements below that sound familiar to you. 

Overt Denial of Powerlessness

“I can stop anytime I want.”

This belief assumes that you have enough power over your addictive behaviors to stop.  It denies the reality of all the other unsuccessful attempts you’ve made to stop as a result of major consequences.

“I can handle this on my own.”

Relying on your own independent attempts to control your behavior has likely led to more failure than success in the past.  Believing you have enough power to stop on your own feeds isolation and pride, both of which are fuel for continuing in addiction.

“Maybe they need help, but I’m different.”

Often when you attend your first 12 Step meeting or read stories about others’ addictions, this thought can cross your mind.  But this assumption of uniqueness minimizes the impact of your current addiction on yourself and others.

Subtle Denial of Powerlessness

While the statements above might be obvious refusals of powerlessness, you might more readily identify with some of the subtle ways denial can creep in. 

“I should be able to stop this behavior.”  “I just have to be better/do better.”

A foundational truth in recovery is that you cannot stop or do better on your own.  This belief assumes that you should be able to do recovery by yourself instead of relying on the support of other people.  It forgets the unsuccessful efforts you’ve made to stop in the past, even though many of them came out of a place of trying to do better. 

“I need to punish myself to make myself stop.”

You might have this thought if you come from a family background that was rigid, with strict rules and no tolerance for mistakes.  It is linked to a shame-based identity or view of self as fundamentally flawed or bad at the core.  Physical punishment, deprivation, social withdrawal, or any other way of punishing yourself increases feelings of despair and hopelessness.  And since addictive behaviors are the primary way you cope with distress and pain, you’ll return to those in a heartbeat.

“If I can just get my life in order, I’ll be fine.”

Constantly attempting to get your life under control when you are living in chaos is fruitless.  The addiction has worn away at your self-control and self-discipline.  You need to learn those skills anew through the tested work of recovery before you’ll be able to apply them to other areas of your life.

“If I can just get through this difficult circumstance, I’ll be fine.”

Depending on circumstances to change for things to get better will mean that you’re waiting forever, because there will always be another distressing circumstance that can be used as a reason for not moving forward.  This mindset also leaves your life up to chance, rather than leading you to take ownership of what you do have control over: yourself.

“It’s not a big deal if I skip my meeting/sponsor call/support group/therapy session, etc.”

Minimizing the importance of these consistent practices of recovery is a recipe for slipping back into addiction.  One skip becomes two, which becomes five, and before you know it you’ve gone months without receiving the support you need for your recovery.

“If I can’t do everything, it’s not worth doing anything.”

Alternatively, you might feel overwhelmed by the idea of taking on all the work of recovery.  You might beat yourself up for missing a meeting or having a slip and then throw out all your other positive, recovery-based practices with it.  Don’t set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection, because perfection in this process is impossible.

“I had a slip/relapse, which means I’m back at square one.”

Slips and relapse are part of the normal trajectory of recovery.  To say they bring you back to square one dismisses the work you’ve done so far in your recovery journey.  See slips as a learning opportunity.  Use them to learn about additional supports you need, the needs or desires that drove you to act out, or catalysts or triggers that create more temptation.

“I’ll never get better.  I’m a lost cause.”

You assume that the process that has helped thousands of others won’t work for you.  It presumes your own uniqueness or difference, as referenced earlier.  Submit yourself to the process of recovery and allow yourself the gift of patience while you wait for it to take hold.

The Language of Powerlessness

What is the more accurate way of looking at your process in recovery, in light of powerlessness?  Choose statements from the list below to combat the mistaken or faulty beliefs you’ve identified from the overt or subtle ways of denying your own powerlessness above.  Alternatively, you can use this entire list as a daily affirmation to support you in your recovery. 

“I need to surrender to God/my Higher Power.”

“I need support and accountability to get better, and I can find that in my support group/12 Step group/with my therapist, etc.”

“I am unable to stop this behavior without the tools of recovery.”

“There is a proven path to recovery that I can rely on to move forward.  It works if I work it.”

“When I don’t know what to do, I can ask for help.”

“I am able to make small, manageable choices toward recovery today.”

“I am seeking progress, not perfection.”

“There is no better day than today to start or re-commit to my recovery.”

“I can handle this one day at a time.”

Willingness in Recovery: What To Do When You Don’t Want to Stop Acting Out in Sex and Love Addiction

In recovery circles, willingness to change is a necessary part of leaving behind destructive patterns of sex and love addiction to experience freedom.  Sometimes willingness comes easily.  For example, if you are married and your spouse discovers your addiction, that often creates a push to change as you work to heal your relationship.  You may be experiencing real consequences of your addiction, like an arrest or the dissolution of friendships.  Or you’re early in the process of recovery and motivated to put in the hard work of change.

But as time goes on, you might notice your willingness fading.  You might miss the dopamine rush you got when you were acting out.  Or you’ve ended your relationship with your partner, which removes that motivation to change.  Perhaps you’re feeling shame about your behaviors, and the easiest way you know how to self-medicate shame is with more acting out.

Maybe you relapse, getting caught back up in the cycle of acting out.  Perhaps the boundaries you know you need to put in place to help you along the path to recovery seem way too hard to implement. 

You could be struggling with the cost of recovery, recognizing the extent to which your life may have to change.  Sometimes the work involved in the process recovery leads to a feeling of weariness and a desire to just give up. 

Regardless of reason, it is common to see willingness ebb and flow in the process of recovery.  Instead of viewing your lack of willingness or motivation to change as a death knell to your recovery work, use this opportunity to learn more about yourself and lean in to practices that will help you stick with recovery even when it becomes challenging.

As a note: these recommendations are specific to sex and love addiction.  There are likely different, more targeted recommendations for addictions that involve a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.  If you are dealing with those addictions, reach out to 12 Step resources and specialized counseling or treatment centers to get guidance on how to address willingness in that area. 

What to Do

Remind yourself of your vision for your future.

It can be a challenge to find hope when you’re stuck in the (often devastating) consequences of your acting out behaviors.  Define for yourself what a recovered life could look like.  Even if you never achieve this, what would be the ideal?  Why did you choose recovery in the first place?  What could life be like when you are free of your addictive behaviors? 

Use this vision to help you identify what you’d like your life to look like in 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year.  Breaking down those goals into more manageable time frames can help you make concrete goals or plans for what’s right in front of you.

Target your denial.

Your unwillingness to change often finds support from denying the impact of your behaviors.  This denial often comes in the form of distorted thinking patterns.  I often call this process “addict thinking” versus “rational thinking.”  When you’re acting out in addiction, the rational, healthy component of your brain goes offline. Instead, the addict part of you is at work trying to persuade you that your addictive behaviors are not only okay, but good for you.

Identify the “voice” of your addict part of yourself by writing down the statements of denial that are most common for you.  They might include words such as:

• “It’s not hurting anyone.”

• “I only do it because my spouse isn’t meeting my sexual needs.”

• “I deserve this.”

Then, when you have some space from your acting out behaviors, sit down and write responses from the point of view of your rational brain to address those denial statements with facts.  Come back to these responses when you’re tempted to act out and remind yourself of truth about your behaviors.  To the above comments, you might respond:

• “Addiction hurts my spouse, my children, and most importantly, myself.  I lose control over myself and expose myself to further and more dangerous consequences.”

• “My addiction is how I shortcut my way to a dissatisfying false intimacy instead of pursuing true intimacy with my spouse.”

• “I am not entitled to harm myself or others by my actions.  My behavior promises that it will feel good, but I consistently end up feeling miserable afterward.”

Be patient with yourself.

Acknowledge that this process takes time.  Consider climbing a mountain: when you begin at the bottom, it is obvious that you have a long way to go to get to the top.  As you climb and begin to grow weary, it can be easy to get distracted by how much further you have to go.  You might look up at the summit and get discouraged by the time it will take you to reach the top.  Instead, focus on the step right in front of you.  In 12 Step terminology, this is taking “one day at a time.”

Recognize that recovery is a lifestyle change, not a one-time experience; a marathon, not a sprint. But the rewards of a recovered life will make every step worth it.

Stay committed to your recovery plan.

If you’ve been in recovery for any length of time, you probably have been participating in some recovery-related activities and have potentially even made a plan for how to best address your addiction.  Even if you’re currently acting out, continue to engage in these recovery behaviors. 

If your plan was to go to 12 Step meetings regularly, keep going to your meetings.  Meet with your sponsor.  Make calls to others in recovery.  Keep attending therapy or support group.  Use the principle of “fake it til you make it” until your recovery behaviors begin to shape and mold your thoughts and emotions.  This will eventually create motivation to change if you give it time.

Do the bare minimum.

If you’ve already gotten out of the routine of your recovery plan, it might seem challenging to get back into the habit.  When commitment to recovery feels overwhelming and too much, focus instead on one practical step you can take right now.  (Remember the mountain metaphor.) 

Make one call to a supportive friend.  Schedule an appointment with your therapist or sponsor.  Read a chapter in a recovery-related book.  Practice a small act of self-care – eating a healthy meal, going to sleep early, getting outside for a walk.  Any of these small steps can have a huge impact over the long haul. 

Focus on recovery, not sobriety.

It’s common early in recovery to find yourself focusing only on sobriety and “white-knuckling”, attempting to force yourself to stop by your own willpower.  This usually is accompanied by a lack of commitment to the whole-life change required in recovery.

What’s the difference?  Recovery is a holistic process - much of your life must change.  Sobriety is one part of that, but it is not all of it.  Attempting to keep your life exactly the same and get sober is a recipe for failure, because likely some of what you were doing in daily life contributed to your desire to act out.  Focusing on sobriety involves only focusing on what you can’t do, while recovery shifts that focus to what you can do. 

Focusing only on sobriety leads to beating yourself up about failing when you inevitably slip or relapse.  Rather than placing so much of your identity and hope on sobriety, place that relapse or slip under the context of recovery and see what you can learn from it.  Sobriety is categorized by shame; recovery is categorized by hope.

Ask God for willingness.

The 12 Steps are built around reliance on a Higher Power to do the work of creating change in you, recognizing you are incapable of creating that willingness to change on your own.  Speaking from a Christian worldview, we are told in the Bible that it is God who works in us to will and act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).  Ask God to help you with this process. Invite the Holy Spirit to do a transforming work in your heart.

Remember the message of grace here: that if you are in Christ, you are no longer condemned (Romans 8:1) and you are set free (Galatians 5:1), and if you invite God in, He will do a healing work in you and transform your willingness.

Know that you can’t do this alone.

In addition to having the support and help of God, it is essential to have the support of other people to help you make these changes.  Social support is one of the most important factors in any addiction recovery.

Reach out to the people you know who are in recovery circles or who you trust are safe for you.  If you don’t know who those people are, now is a good time to find them.  Start by attending a 12 Step meeting, support group, or counseling session and connect with supportive people who can help you along your path to recovery.

Recognizing Denial: How to Differentiate the Addict Brain from the Healthy Brain

“I don’t have a problem.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“It doesn’t hurt anyone, especially if they don’t find out.”

“I deserve a break.”

These are classic statements of denial: distortions of truth that justify your decisions or compulsive behaviors and offer self-protection.  They often pop into your head automatically and outside of conscious awareness.  Even though they are distorted, they often feel true or carry some grain of truth, so it can be hard to discern whether they are true or false. 

How does denial keep you in addiction?

Denial keeps you stuck in addictive behaviors as you to turn a blind eye to how your actions impact you and others around you.  For sex and love addicts, denial functions as a way for your brain to justify your addictive actions and protect yourself from the guilt or shame you may feel for your behaviors.

Shame is a hallmark of addiction, and denial is a way for your mind to psychologically protect yourself against that shame.  Typically, addiction stems from past experiences of trauma, which communicate shame-based beliefs about your identity.  These shame messages are  uncomfortable and often painful, with words such as “I’m a loser,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m worthless.”  Denial serves as a way of blocking these negative thoughts.

Yet while your mind is using denial to try to protect you from these harsh words, the denial statements inevitably lead back to your addictive behavior. The more times you engage in addictive behavior, the more your shame messages are reinforced, and you have to cover over the shame with denial again.  Denial may prevent you from being found out by yourself or others, but it also prevents you from getting the help that you need.

The Addict Brain

I like to think of these denial statements as the addict brain at work inside you.  There is a part of you, which we’ll call the “addict self,” that wants to remain in your addiction because of the benefits addictive behavior gives you, like a false sense of intimacy.  This addict self will tell you that you need to act out in your addiction and will therefore justify those behaviors.  It will repeatedly tell you that you don’t have a problem and that it’s not a big deal.

But when the addict brain is running the show, you are being controlled by your addiction rather than by your true self.  Getting in touch with your healthy brain requires a focused process.  Patrick Carnes talks about grabbing your frontal lobe (the part of your brain that facilitates impulse control and healthy decision-making) with reality and not letting it go as part of addiction recovery. 

Common Areas of Denial

Both Patrick Carnes in Facing the Shadow* and Rob Weiss in Sex Addiction 101* talk about the most common areas of denial.  Here are a few you may have experienced in your addiction.

• Minimizing: claiming that the addiction has less impact than it truly does. “It’s not that big of a deal.”  “I can stop anytime I want.” “It’s not hurting anyone.”

• Rationalizing: coming up with reasons why the addictive behaviors are okay or justifiable. “Everyone has needs.”  “I’m just expressing myself sexually.”

• Comparing yourself to others. “I’m not as bad as he/she is.”  “I can’t be an addict because I haven’t done (fill in the blank).”

• Blame-shifting: blaming others for why you need to engage in your addiction. “I wouldn’t have to watch porn if my partner were more sexual.”  “I need a release after my boss/my spouse gets on my case.”

• Victim mentality: justifying your behaviors with feelings of helplessness or hopelessness. “I’m a lost cause.”  “I’m never going to get over my past sexual abuse.”  “When will my needs get taken care of?”

• Ignoring key details: not admitting the worst parts of your behavior to yourself or others.

• Living a double life: compartmentalizing the parts of you that are addicted as separate and not affecting your life. “Watching porn doesn’t affect my marriage.”  “My sexual behaviors don’t impact my day to day life.”

• Entitlement: feelings of deserving a break or reward. “I deserve this.”  “I’ve had a tough day at work and I need this to unwind.”  “I’ve made it a week without looking at porn, so I can watch some as a reward.”

Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you?  What are your go-tos?

How to Deal with Denial

When you’re in a space where you are clear-headed and not in addict brain, write a list of your common denial statements.  Add to this list as you walk through recovery and listen to your addict brain.  Each time you are drawn toward your addictive behaviors, use that as an opportunity to hear what the addict brain is telling you.

Once you’ve compiled this list of addict thinking, write down affirmations or words of truth that respond to these distortions.  Use your healthy brain to respond to the addict.  Your 12 Step group or sponsor can help you in this process.  Sometimes the words of others jar you out of your own experience and remind you of truth.  Write down quotations from recovery literature or books that remind you of both the seriousness of your addiction and the hope you have in recovery.  Create a toolkit of positive words to come back to and read when denial is echoing in your brain.

When you’re noticing automatic thoughts of denial popping up, pause.  Review your list of healthy coping statements, write in your journal, call a support individual, or read recovery literature.  Ask yourself what you truly need and see if you can offer that to yourself in the moment.

Overcoming these phrases of denial is a major step in your recovery journey.  As you grow in awareness of your “addict thinking,” you can begin to rewrite your narrative with a recovery mindset and find freedom from addictive patterns.