Surrender to the Process: Task 3 in Carnes’ 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

A common struggle for addicts entering recovery is the tug-of-war of their desires: wanting to stop acting out while still feeling a pull toward addictive behaviors.  Early in recovery, there’s often an expectation from yourself or from a spouse or loved one to change instantaneously.  And at the beginning, that can feel possible: after discovery or disclosure of addiction, you might have an immediate sense of disgust or distaste for the addiction that fuels sobriety. But with time, that initial emotional response subsides, and the addiction can easily come back when the underlying roots of the problem are still hidden.

One of these underlying roots is a sense of control: a belief that you can force yourself to stop your addictive behaviors, you are in control of your own recovery, and you can pick and choose what you do to get better.  Notice, however, that one of the hallmarks of addiction is repeated attempts to stop without success.  Often early attempts to stop are half-hearted, done in isolation, or not informed by recovery principles. 

The momentary willingness that comes after disclosure or discovery will not turn into long-term sobriety unless there is a recognition that past attempts to control don’t work.  Unless there is a true surrender of control, change will not last.

Surrender to the Process vs. Attempts to Control

What is Surrender?

Surrender is a recognition of the reality that you do not have the power to get better from your addiction on your own or by manipulating or controlling your recovery.  This ties into 12 Step work and breaking through denial as you recognize your own powerlessness and unmanageability.

Surrender acknowledges that the attempts you’ve made to change have been futile.  Often, this is because they are done by yourself without the support or accountability of others.  Or because you approach recovery in a piecemeal fashion, only choosing to do some things and leaving behind necessary tasks for your recovery that stir up discomfort.  Or you may be still on the fence about recovery in general.

What is Control?

Control happens when we believe that we are not powerless and that we can do the work of recovery on our own.  This often leads to white-knuckling, a term that refers to forcing yourself to stop acting out behaviors by sheer willpower.  The term “dry drunk” refers to someone who may not be acting out in their addiction, but hasn’t addressed the underlying root causes of the addiction to create lasting, holistic life change because they are still seeking control. 

Control can be obvious, as in some of the examples above, but it can also show up in subtle ways.  When you are only doing some of the work of recovery and ignoring putting into practice that which makes you feel uncomfortable, you are exercising your own control.  Control shows up in comparing yourself to others in recovery, seeing yourself as better or more capable than them.  Thoughts like “if I just do better, then it will all be fine,” are denial statements that foster this sense of control, but then lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, or self-hatred when you cannot follow through on change.  Another indicator is a lack of willingness to rely on others for support or help through the process, meaning you aren’t attending meetings, don’t have a sponsor, and have no accountability with other group members.

Characteristics of Surrender

Surrender requires you to be uncomfortable.  When you’re surrendering to the process of recovery, you will feel discomfort with some of what you are tasked to do.  You might not like some of the early restrictions or accountability you need to put in place, like an internet blocker, location tracking app, or daily accountability with a sponsor.  But remember that picking and choosing what you feel comfortable with in recovery is a setup for slips and relapse.

Surrender releases anxiety to experience peace.  When you are attempting to stay in control, you put incredible pressure on yourself to change on your own, followed by devastating shame when you inevitably fail.  If you choose to surrender to the process, you can experience the peace of knowing that you aren’t alone and help is available. 

Surrender requires that you say no.  You will need to learn what your limits are in recovery.   We like to think that we can do everything we want and resist temptation to act out in addiction, but this isn’t true. One of the ways denial perpetuates addiction is to tell you that you should “test your strength” or “test your resolve” by putting yourself in risky situations. But this is another form of ritual and preparation for acting out.  You need to identify appropriate boundaries and restrictions early on to set yourself up for success.  Addicts are notoriously bad at boundaries – that’s part of the addiction – so surrendering to boundaries that others help you identify or that have been tenets of the 12 Step recovery process are necessary. 

The Spiritual Nature of Surrender

If we can’t do recovery on our own, then what does that mean? Who can do it for us?

Surrender is a spiritual discipline.  Recognizing the role of God in this process is essential.  In 12 Step, incorporating God or your Higher Power involves recognizing something bigger than yourself that is guiding you toward health, because your self isn’t cutting it.  Step Two and Step Three of the 12 Step program dig into this exploration in more detail. 

Surrender to God or a Higher Power can be a tricky endeavor for those whose views of God are complicated, who have difficulty trusting in God, or who don’t believe God has the power to create change.  These roadblocks are worth working out in the context of your 12 Step group or with your sponsor.  At the bare minimum, believing that there is something outside of yourself that will guide you through recovery, even if it is as simple as the 12 Step process or your work with a sponsor, gives you a good place to start.

Practical Steps for Task 3

Ask for help.

The easiest way to recognize surrender in someone is their willingness to no longer tackle the addiction on their own, but to actively seek out help from others.  This can come in the form of joining a 12 Step group, therapy group, support group, or going to counseling.  Take it a step further by connecting with a sponsor or other group members for contact outside of the group.  Recognize that asking for help requires vulnerability and openness: you need to share the realities of your addiction openly with someone rather than offering partial information.

Identify your Higher Power.

This can be the God of the Bible if you are a Christian believer, or can have a foundation from your religious background.  If you chafe at the idea of religion, you may choose the 12 Step group, people who have gone before you in recovery, recovery itself, or a particular value you hold like love or compassion.  Again, seek to identify something bigger than yourself and have conversations with others in the program to open yourself up to faith and be curious about this process. 

Name denial-based roadblocks.

Denial in your thoughts can be a major factor that keeps you in control and prevents you from offering full surrender.  When you look at the subtle types of control listed above, do you identify with any of them?  Make a list of the denial statements that are most common to you that fuel these attempts to control.  They can include thoughts like, “I don’t need to do that,” “I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “other people might need 12 Step, but I don’t.” 

Now consider: what have you tried before in terms of your recovery?  How successful was it?  Is your denial telling you the truth or not?  Look also at what beliefs might be causing you to resist placing trust in your Higher Power or in the support of others.

Grieve the losses associated with surrender.

Surrendering addiction is hard, often because it can feel like you’re giving up the only coping mechanism you have available when stress or other painful emotions arise.  There are aspects of addiction that were appealing or pleasurable to you, and you will need to let go of them.  It also may require you to let go of the belief that you are in control or that you are capable of stopping on your own.  Surrender is a process of letting go.

Remind yourself of your commitment.

When you choose to surrender, it is not a one-and-done moment.  Surrender is a daily practice.  Repeatedly remember your commitment to surrender through a daily reminder, as with a spiritual practice like prayer, journaling, or meditation.  You might choose a mantra or repeated phrase like, “I can’t, but God can,” or “I choose to surrender to the process of recovery.”  Use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Regularly reinforce this commitment through the support of a church or religious community.

Invite others to help with boundary-setting.

As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding and implementation of healthy boundaries is a characteristic of addiction.  Recovery requires going back to basics with boundaries.  Sit down with your sponsor and talk about your limits and what you should say no to in early recovery, even if you don’t want to.  Get specific and honest here about what you truly need.  Your sponsor will help you explore which triggers are in your control and those you can’t control to help you adapt your boundaries accordingly.  Talk to others in your group with similar acting out behaviors about what boundaries they found effective in early recovery and choose to adopt some of theirs if they strike a chord in you.  Read stories of those who have been successful in recovery, many of which can be found in the foundational text of your 12 Step fellowship, and imitate some of the changes they made if they are relevant to you.

Coping With Betrayal Trauma Triggers as a Couple

When I work with couples who are recovering from sex and love addiction, one of the most common concerns is what to do when the betrayed partner gets triggered.  This is especially relevant when the addict has achieved sobriety and is working their program, but the betrayed partner continues to experience triggers. A trigger is a reminder in the present of the addict’s hurtful and addictive behaviors in the past.  Triggers can be accompanied by strong expressions of emotion that seem out of proportion to the present situation, flashbacks to the addict’s past behaviors, intense anxiety or fear, or a level of disgust toward the addict.

Triggers aren’t necessarily indicators that the addict has done anything wrong or broken their sobriety.  In fact, triggers will come up no matter how long the addict has been sober.  I often characterize triggers as having “one foot in the past and one foot in the present”.  Though the addiction may not be happening currently, the feeling aroused by the trigger is the same as if it were happening in the present.  They are a normal part of betrayal trauma recovery and broken trust that needs to be dealt with and healed in the relationship.

Types and Signs of Triggers

A trigger can be directly tied to the recovering addict’s behavior, but triggers can also be environmental.  Triggers tied directly to the addict might be observing their interactions with the opposite sex, seeing your partner hide something on their phone or computer, or your spouse arriving home later than expected.  An example of an environmental trigger might be a billboard for an adult bookstore, an explicit scene in a TV show or movie, or the mention of an affair in a book or magazine.

Sometimes these triggers lead to suspicion and distrust of the spouse, especially when patterns of behavior that were used to hide addiction are noted.  For example, if the addict would often engage in sexual acting out behaviors while traveling for work, traveling will likely carry a trigger in the future.  Or if the spouse used pornography late at night, staying up late alone may be another trigger.

Other times triggers are tied to relational dynamics that were present during the addiction.  If defensiveness was used to hide addictive behavior or emotional disengagement occurred as a result of the addiction, these will likely stir up a trigger response.  Emotional manipulation and gaslighting, withdrawing after an argument, and rage/intense anger are all types of relational dynamics that may have been used to hide or distract from the addictive behavior in the past. If they recur, they can remind the betrayed spouse of that experience and arouse suspicion.

As mentioned earlier, triggers often bring strong emotional reactions, to extremes of rage or the silent treatment.  They can spiral the betrayed partner into destructive thought patterns and anxiety, which may lead to a return to safety-seeking behaviors. Examples of these include searching through emails or phones or numbing out with the betrayed partner’s own addiction to food, shopping, alcohol, or other compulsive or impulsive behaviors. 

Some triggers are easier to prepare for, such as the travel trigger mentioned above.  However, many times triggers come on unexpectedly.  Having a plan in place for how you will respond to triggers as a couple can help you be prepared even for those that are unpredictable and arise without warning.

A Plan for the Addict

Slow down and breathe.

When your partner is triggered, often the impulse is to defend yourself against what can feel like an attack or accusation of wrongdoing.  Unfortunately, this can intensify the triggering experience, adding even more distrust to the relationship as you repeat patterns of defensiveness or dismissal that were used to hide the addiction.

Instead, use the tool of your breath to slow yourself down before you jump on the defense.  Take five to ten slow, deep abdominal breaths to help you stay present in your body and prepare to listen to their experience.

Remember what is happening.

Reframe these trigger moments as opportunities to grow in trust. Consider the concept that a trigger is about having one foot in the present and one foot in the past.  Typically, the trigger is not about what is happening now and is more about what your actions were then.  The trigger doesn’t necessarily carry an accusation with it, as much as it is a flashback to what happened in the past.  If there is some truth to the accusation, it does need to be addressed, and we’ll explore that later.

Listen.

Turn your attention toward your spouse and actively hear what they are saying.  It may help you to repeat their words back to them to ensure you understand, as well as clear up any misinterpretations or confusing communication.  This also helps your partner feel heard and have the opportunity to clarify their perspective. 

Contain the shame.

This is the most crucial component of this process for the addict.  Triggers stir up shame because shame comes with facing the reality of the harm caused by your addictive behaviors.  In fact, shame often contributed to addiction in the first place, as the addiction was a way to self-medicate against the pain of shame.

Addicts defend against shame in a multitude of ways.  You might deny your addiction altogether, avoid reminders of the harm done by your addiction, focus more on the future than the past, or even repress or forget moments from the addiction.  All of these options deny your personal responsibility, which can lead your betrayed partner to feel minimized. 

In order to respond to your betrayed partner with empathy, you need to contain your experience of shame by separating your identity from what you have done.  You need to remind yourself that you are not your addiction.  This is work that can be done in therapy or with your sponsor in 12 Step. The ultimate goal is to take responsibility and remember that a trigger is not a threat to who you are. 

Validate the pain of the past.

Connect with your spouse by acknowledging the reality of betrayal they faced at your hands and the hands of your addiction.  Key phrases for this step include words like, “Of course you would feel that way” and, “It makes sense why you would feel _____ based on my past behaviors.” 

Incorporate empathy here if you can.  Words like, “That really stinks” or, “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really hard” can be helpful here as well.  A combination of validation and empathy will go far in defusing the tension of the trigger.

Examine your own behavior and apologize if needed.

Self-reflect to see if the trigger your betrayed partner is experiencing is based in anything for which you can take responsibility.  A trigger like passing a billboard or going on work travel aren’t necessarily your responsibiilty, so this may be a situation to simply validate and share empathy.

On the other hand, triggers related to emotional manipulation in arguments, not following through on promised actions, or inappropriate behavior with a member of the opposite sex likely require an apology.

In a more subtle direction, it is important to apologize for safeguards that could have been in place to protect against this trigger.  For example, perhaps the two of you agreed to make a plan before travel to connect during the trip and you failed to do so.  Or you’ve committed to taking responsibility initiating date nights or weekly recovery check-ins, but you haven’t been consistent in following through on those commitments.  Own your actions that set up an environment for a trigger.

Answer their questions.

See if your spouse has any follow-up questions to the trigger, particularly if it involved direct action or inaction on your part.  Answer these questions as openly and honestly as you can.  Remember that any deception here will come back to hurt you when the truth eventually gets revealed, as it inevitably will.

Rebuild trust in the moment.

Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to rebuild trust in the moment.  Physical touch may be a good way to increase connection, if the partner desires it.  They may also have a request for a date night or other shared activity as a way to connect emotionally and relationally.  They may have a request to create a new agreement around the trigger for the future.

A Plan For the Partner

Breathe.

Just as the addict in this situation needs to slow down and connect to their body, the same is true for you. Intense emotions that accompany triggers can either take you completely out of your body or overwhelm your body with emotion.  This is true for anyone facing trauma flashbacks.  Practicing a centering or grounding breathing exercise can help you slow down enough to observe what is happening in your mind and body. 

Reach out for support.

Get in contact with some of the support individuals in your life who know about your betrayal trauma recovery and ask for encouragement or a listening ear.  A source for this support might come from a women’s support group, your therapist, or a close friend who is empathetic and supportive in your recovery.  If you don’t have this support in place, now might be a good time to look for resources in your area or online that you can rely on the next time you face a trigger like this one.

Avoid the impulse to safety-seek.

Triggers that remind you of the addict’s past behaviors can throw you into repetition of the panic, fear, and hypervigilance of the early days after discovery.  Safety-seeking behaviors include actions such as compulsively searching through your spouse’s internet search history, phone contacts, or emails.  It could be manipulating your conversations with them to try to get them to slip up and say something incriminating.

Hallmarks of safety-seeking behaviors are that they are secretive, often carry shame with them, are attempts to feel like you have all the information and are in control, and usually make you feel worse instead of better.  Instead of choosing these destructive patterns, lean into supportive self-care until you are able to have a conversation with a support person or with your spouse.

Approach your spouse with the talking formula.

When you feel affected by a trigger and it feels appropriate to do so, talk about it with the addict using this format: “When I heard/saw [the trigger], what went through my mind was [thoughts] and I felt [emotion word].”

Feel free to ask questions or confirmation about their behavior.  For example, if it would help you to have more information, you might ask, “Would you be willing to share more about what was going on that day?”  Or if you need reassurance of their recovery, you might say, “It would be helpful to be reminded of your recovery plan. Can we go through that together again?”

Make a request for a change in behavior, if needed.

Identify if you would like to approach future trigger moments differently as a result of what you learned from this one.  Adapting your plan can involve both a joint discussion and an individual reflection.  You might ask your partner, “Could we make a plan together for situations like this in the future?”

You can also identify relationship patterns that you’d like to change if they were involved in the trigger.  For example, instead of emotional withdrawal and detachment, you could request that your partner remain present or plan a time to come back together to discuss an issue. 

Practice self-care.

Riding on the roller-coaster of a trigger is not an easy process.  It can be emotionally and physically exhausting to both experience a trigger and to process it in the aftermath.  Practice activities that are self-soothing and bring a sense of peace and calm to your physical body.  Utilize your resources of support to help you process through the conversation you had with your partner.  Regardless of what happens in the conversation with your spouse, you can still care for and validate yourself.

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Empower Your Future

When you’ve recognized the impact of your partner’s sex and love addiction on your sense of self-worth, it can be a challenge to identify how to break out of that trap.  You may feel stuck or powerless to change.  Your emotional landscape or confusing thoughts may make it difficult for the truth about your inherent worth and value to sink in.

We built the foundation of understanding the impact of betrayal trauma on self-worth by evaluating symptoms in Part 1 and reviewing reminders of what is true in Part 2.  Understanding the truth about addiction and trauma may be reassuring intellectually. But understanding might not change the way you feel, which is a major component of insecurity around your self-worth.  Today, we’ll explore how these insights can influence your behaviors such that your feelings of confidence begin to grow.

Acting “as if” as a pathway out of low self-worth

If you believed that your worth was inherent and not based on what others think of you, how might that change the way you interact with others?  If you believed that it was impossible to be “enough” for the addiction, how might that influence the way you relate to your spouse?  How might that create space for more self-care and boundaries?  As you answer these questions, begin to experiment with taking different actions that fit those changes in beliefs. 

Here are a few examples of potential applications if you acted “as if” these statements were true:

Attend a 12 Step meeting or support group.

If you believe that you are worth spending time with, it makes sense for you to reach out for social support.  Finding a safe place to talk about your doubts and hear others’ stories helps you know that you are not alone.  Outside help will both validate you and challenge you when needed. 

Begin personal counseling.

When you come to realize that the only person you can control is yourself and that you are worth caring for, you will be more likely to seek out professional help on how to do that.  You have a right to receive support and care in the process of moving through the trauma. Seeking out specialized counseling is a way to honor that right.

Release the burden of perfectionism.

If you’ve coped with feelings of failure or insecurity in the past by trying to keep your life together and be perfect, you might find the same patterns surfacing in your betrayal trauma recovery. Remember that your worth is not defined by how much you accomplish, by your status, or by your achievements.  Know that your worth is inherent and allows yourself to take a rest or ask for help.

Put your own needs first by practicing self-care.

Practice kindness toward yourself by recognizing the impact of the trauma of discovery and honoring your needs as a result.  Treat yourself how you would treat a friend if they were going through something similar.  Recognize your needs that aren’t being met and seek out healthy ways to meet them.

For many, self-care can be challenging because it contradicts beliefs that encourage you to put others before yourself.  However, in this case, re-centering on meeting your personal needs is necessary so that you can come into a place of serving and loving your family, spouse, and others more holistically in the future.  You can’t serve others from an empty shell of yourself.  You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

Review your “bill of rights” and set healthy, supportive boundaries that affirm your worth.

In the fog that comes after discovery, you might be unclear about how to achieve a sense of safety and stability.  If you’re doubting your worth, you might not be aware of what you have the right to ask for to create a sense of safety in your marriage.  Resources like the “bill of rights” on Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s website, as well as her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, can help you identify what you have the right to ask for and begin to help you on the process of setting boundaries that honor your personal worth and value. 

Part of this process is recognizing legitimate rights related to your body. Acknowledging your right to say “no” to physical or sexual intimacy at any point and particularly in the early stages of recovery can honor your sexual self.

Explore your options.

Talk to your spouse about couples counseling or treatment, intensive opportunities, or other steps of support.  Seek out resources for legal and financial support if you are considering separating and want to pursue financial independence.  Read books and attend seminars on trauma and addiction to learn more about what you might be experiencing.  Seek out safe people in your life who can provide support and a listening ear.

Recognize your own patterns of denial.

Did you have a sense that something was off long before you discovered your spouse’s addiction?  Were there odd occurrences that you explained away or minimized because the thought that your partner might be an addict was too much to bear?  In a relationship without addiction, it makes sense to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  But when you discover addiction, rediscovering your intuition requires you to shift that pattern.

To better prepare yourself for future deception that may or may not occur, it is important to examine how your denial manifested itself: how did you explain away inconsistencies in behavior and words?  How have you taken on more of the blame for yourself rather than allowing the addict to own it? By exploring these thought patterns in yourself, you’ll begin to learn to trust your gut again. 

Connect the dots between past trauma and present-day emotional reactions.

Each betrayed partner has a different emotional response to the pain of the trauma.  These responses typically relate to your history: wounds from your family-of-origin, painful experiences in romantic relationships, or even trauma or abuse. 

Consider how the particular patterns of self-doubt you’re feeling are connected to insecurities that stem from your past.  Take the time to unearth longstanding patterns of self-talk that might be contributing to your lowered self-worth.  In this process, you may also uncover some dysfunctional patterns in relating that stem from your past experiences and begin to shift the way you connect with others.

Grieve the hurts without being consumed by them.

You will likely experience grief in waves that hit you for a time after the discovery of your partner’s addiction.  This grief can feel overwhelming and can lead you to a place of self-pity and hopelessness.  It can trigger shame and guilt and lead you further into doubting your self-worth. 

When you feel waves of grief threatening to overwhelm you, use that as an opportunity to acknowledge the reality of the circumstances that have contributed to the pain and redirect your attention to self-care and empowerment to change.  Accept the reality of what is outside of your control and commit to finding ways you can make changes that fit in alignment with your values. 

Recognize that sometimes doubt about self-worth masks the legitimate grief of finding out about the betrayal and having to make decisions about the future.  Staying in a place of self-doubt or shame can be a self-protective response, keeping you from having to face the hard realities of what comes next.

List your strengths.

Make a list of strengths you have which can uniquely help you to make it through this process of recovery.  If you have trouble writing a list, ask those in your support network, your family, or your friends to name strengths they see in you.  Take a strengths-based personality assessment to uncover which qualities of your personality will help you to get through this season.  Identify resources or strengths that you are growing and fostering to remind yourself that you have power to change what is within your control. 

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Evaluate the Impact

For many partners of sex and love addicts, betrayal trauma from discovering affairs or addiction can bring up a flood of questions: why did this happen?  Am I not attractive enough for my partner?  Have I not been enough sexually?  Am I stupid for not seeing this sooner?  Did he/she ever really love me, or was it just a lie?

This panicked flurry of questions is an attempt for your mind to make sense of something that is senseless, to explain why the addiction occurred.  It is a natural response to the acute stress of the trauma and the mind’s natural tendency to try to understand what has just happened to you.  Unfortunately, many of these questions damage your sense of self-worth as they create misleading conclusions about the reasons for your partner’s addiction. 

Often, the self-doubt that hits you first is influenced by deeply-rooted insecurities that already exist in your heart.  For example, you may already struggle with self-consciousness about body image and your fluctuating weight because of teasing and body comparison in your teenage years.  If this is the case, discovering your partner’s addiction may lead you to compare your body to images in pornography or affair partners, creating hatred toward your body. Perfectionism, codependency, sexual issues, or aspects of your personality can create sources of self-doubt.

These doubts are made worse when the addict is still in denial over his or her addiction and points out flaws in you that divert attention away from the addiction.  Your spouse may blame physical changes or weight gain for not wanting to be intimate.  He or she may criticize your parenting or spending.  Before your discovery of the addiction, these accusations may have led you to question yourself and set you up for a pattern that continues even after you find out about the addiction.

Discovering a partner’s sex and love addiction or betrayal targets your pain points, adds a few new ones to the mix, and creates the perfect storm that can wreak havoc on your sense of self-worth.

Signs of Impact on Your Self-Worth

Consider the list below of common indicators of insecurity or self-doubt triggered by the discovery of addiction.  Which of these symptoms have you experienced?  How are they playing out in your relationship today? 

Ambivalence about staying or leaving in the relationship.

Ambivalence is not synonymous with indifference: rather, it is the experience of a push-and-pull between two different extremes that you want at the same time.  You may have felt disgusted and wanted to get away from your spouse, but less than an hour later you feel love for him or her and a desire to fix the issues in the marriage.  

When you have this push-and-pull of ambivalence, it is common to become self-critical and angry with yourself for wanting either extreme.  You might fear the judgment of others if you choose either option.  Feeling stuck in not knowing what to do creates a sense of shame and self-contempt that can reinforce your insecurities.

Mood swings between self-contempt and contempt toward the addict.

Similar to the ambivalence between staying or leaving, you might also flip-flop between extremes of hatred for the addict and contempt toward yourself.  You feel angry about what they have done to cause harm to you and your family, but then experience self-hatred for allowing yourself to be in a relationship with an addict.  You blame yourself for their choice to step out on the marriage because you feel inadequate, but then you feel rage at them for gaslighting you into believing that you were the problem.

Shame around sexual desires or negative beliefs about your sexual self.

In some cases, partners find themselves desiring to be sexual with their spouses after the discovery of addiction.  You might be motivated by a desire to secure your partner’s love or to prove that you are satisfying sexually.  Other partners start out wanting nothing to do with sexual intimacy with their spouses but find themselves confused when sexual desire does arise.  Either response can lead to shame, as sexual desire feels contradictory or minimizing to the impact of the betrayal trauma.

A partner’s sex addiction also has a unique impact on beliefs about your sexual self, namely communicating that you are not enough sexually for your spouse.  You can begin to question what you offer sexually and feel unattractive or unappealing.  Your sexual self (your masculinity or femininity) and identity are linked together so closely that betrayal in this sexual realm can deeply impact the core of who you are.

Comparison of your body to affair partners or pornographic images.

Many partners wonder why the addict was drawn to objectify or sexualize other people through pornography or affairs.  You might explain this by coming to the conclusion that you were not attractive enough, or that your partner is sexually interested in people who look different than you.  These insecurities can arise for partners who have a history of body image issues or are feeling dissatisfied with their weight and health, but it can also come up for those who have never felt concerned about their body image.

Feeling stupid or foolish for not knowing the addiction was happening.

How could I have missed this?  For many, the discovery of addiction occurs after the addicted spouse has been acting out for years.  Often, the addiction started long before the two of you met, although it may have escalated into more intensity while the two of you have been together.  You likely were blind to the addict’s sexual behaviors because of their skill at deception and dishonesty throughout the course of your relationship.  The shock of discovering the addiction may lead you to feel like you were stupid for missing it. The fear of being duped or fooled again can lead to difficulty trusting your partner. 

Believing the addiction was somehow your fault.

Despite the fact that the addiction likely existed long before you and the addict got together, you might find yourself struggling with self-blame and looking to your personal flaws and mistakes as justification for the addict’s actions.  You might believe the emotional manipulation and criticism your partner has shared toward you, or you might have insecurities based on abuse or harm from your past that tell you that you are unlovable or worthless.  You might notice a chorus of “if onlys” telling you that if you were different in some way, your partner wouldn’t have chosen their addiction.

Suicidal or homicidal thoughts.

At its most extreme, the hopelessness and depression that comes with the trauma of discovery can lead to thoughts of taking your own life.  Similarly, moments of rage toward your spouse can create thoughts or situations where you could do harm to him or others.  If you are experiencing suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency facility.

Self-destructive behaviors.

Even if you haven’t gotten to the extreme of suicidal or homicidal thoughts, you may be engaging in self-destructive behaviors as a way to subtly punish yourself or to retaliate in a way that gives you a sense of control.  You might have your own affair or seek out the attention of others in response to finding out about the addiction.  You might escape into disordered eating for a sense of comfort.  You may relapse into your own addiction or find yourself turning to alcohol, drugs, or habits such as shopping or gambling as a way to get relief from the pain you’re feeling.

In future parts of this self-worth series, we’ll review statements of truth that contradict these sources of low self-worth and move you toward a more accurate view of yourself, as well as create a plan of empowerment and change for the future.

Willingness in Recovery: What To Do When You Don’t Want to Stop Acting Out in Sex and Love Addiction

In recovery circles, willingness to change is a necessary part of leaving behind destructive patterns of sex and love addiction to experience freedom.  Sometimes willingness comes easily.  For example, if you are married and your spouse discovers your addiction, that often creates a push to change as you work to heal your relationship.  You may be experiencing real consequences of your addiction, like an arrest or the dissolution of friendships.  Or you’re early in the process of recovery and motivated to put in the hard work of change.

But as time goes on, you might notice your willingness fading.  You might miss the dopamine rush you got when you were acting out.  Or you’ve ended your relationship with your partner, which removes that motivation to change.  Perhaps you’re feeling shame about your behaviors, and the easiest way you know how to self-medicate shame is with more acting out.

Maybe you relapse, getting caught back up in the cycle of acting out.  Perhaps the boundaries you know you need to put in place to help you along the path to recovery seem way too hard to implement. 

You could be struggling with the cost of recovery, recognizing the extent to which your life may have to change.  Sometimes the work involved in the process recovery leads to a feeling of weariness and a desire to just give up. 

Regardless of reason, it is common to see willingness ebb and flow in the process of recovery.  Instead of viewing your lack of willingness or motivation to change as a death knell to your recovery work, use this opportunity to learn more about yourself and lean in to practices that will help you stick with recovery even when it becomes challenging.

As a note: these recommendations are specific to sex and love addiction.  There are likely different, more targeted recommendations for addictions that involve a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.  If you are dealing with those addictions, reach out to 12 Step resources and specialized counseling or treatment centers to get guidance on how to address willingness in that area. 

What to Do

Remind yourself of your vision for your future.

It can be a challenge to find hope when you’re stuck in the (often devastating) consequences of your acting out behaviors.  Define for yourself what a recovered life could look like.  Even if you never achieve this, what would be the ideal?  Why did you choose recovery in the first place?  What could life be like when you are free of your addictive behaviors? 

Use this vision to help you identify what you’d like your life to look like in 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year.  Breaking down those goals into more manageable time frames can help you make concrete goals or plans for what’s right in front of you.

Target your denial.

Your unwillingness to change often finds support from denying the impact of your behaviors.  This denial often comes in the form of distorted thinking patterns.  I often call this process “addict thinking” versus “rational thinking.”  When you’re acting out in addiction, the rational, healthy component of your brain goes offline. Instead, the addict part of you is at work trying to persuade you that your addictive behaviors are not only okay, but good for you.

Identify the “voice” of your addict part of yourself by writing down the statements of denial that are most common for you.  They might include words such as:

• “It’s not hurting anyone.”

• “I only do it because my spouse isn’t meeting my sexual needs.”

• “I deserve this.”

Then, when you have some space from your acting out behaviors, sit down and write responses from the point of view of your rational brain to address those denial statements with facts.  Come back to these responses when you’re tempted to act out and remind yourself of truth about your behaviors.  To the above comments, you might respond:

• “Addiction hurts my spouse, my children, and most importantly, myself.  I lose control over myself and expose myself to further and more dangerous consequences.”

• “My addiction is how I shortcut my way to a dissatisfying false intimacy instead of pursuing true intimacy with my spouse.”

• “I am not entitled to harm myself or others by my actions.  My behavior promises that it will feel good, but I consistently end up feeling miserable afterward.”

Be patient with yourself.

Acknowledge that this process takes time.  Consider climbing a mountain: when you begin at the bottom, it is obvious that you have a long way to go to get to the top.  As you climb and begin to grow weary, it can be easy to get distracted by how much further you have to go.  You might look up at the summit and get discouraged by the time it will take you to reach the top.  Instead, focus on the step right in front of you.  In 12 Step terminology, this is taking “one day at a time.”

Recognize that recovery is a lifestyle change, not a one-time experience; a marathon, not a sprint. But the rewards of a recovered life will make every step worth it.

Stay committed to your recovery plan.

If you’ve been in recovery for any length of time, you probably have been participating in some recovery-related activities and have potentially even made a plan for how to best address your addiction.  Even if you’re currently acting out, continue to engage in these recovery behaviors. 

If your plan was to go to 12 Step meetings regularly, keep going to your meetings.  Meet with your sponsor.  Make calls to others in recovery.  Keep attending therapy or support group.  Use the principle of “fake it til you make it” until your recovery behaviors begin to shape and mold your thoughts and emotions.  This will eventually create motivation to change if you give it time.

Do the bare minimum.

If you’ve already gotten out of the routine of your recovery plan, it might seem challenging to get back into the habit.  When commitment to recovery feels overwhelming and too much, focus instead on one practical step you can take right now.  (Remember the mountain metaphor.) 

Make one call to a supportive friend.  Schedule an appointment with your therapist or sponsor.  Read a chapter in a recovery-related book.  Practice a small act of self-care – eating a healthy meal, going to sleep early, getting outside for a walk.  Any of these small steps can have a huge impact over the long haul. 

Focus on recovery, not sobriety.

It’s common early in recovery to find yourself focusing only on sobriety and “white-knuckling”, attempting to force yourself to stop by your own willpower.  This usually is accompanied by a lack of commitment to the whole-life change required in recovery.

What’s the difference?  Recovery is a holistic process - much of your life must change.  Sobriety is one part of that, but it is not all of it.  Attempting to keep your life exactly the same and get sober is a recipe for failure, because likely some of what you were doing in daily life contributed to your desire to act out.  Focusing on sobriety involves only focusing on what you can’t do, while recovery shifts that focus to what you can do. 

Focusing only on sobriety leads to beating yourself up about failing when you inevitably slip or relapse.  Rather than placing so much of your identity and hope on sobriety, place that relapse or slip under the context of recovery and see what you can learn from it.  Sobriety is categorized by shame; recovery is categorized by hope.

Ask God for willingness.

The 12 Steps are built around reliance on a Higher Power to do the work of creating change in you, recognizing you are incapable of creating that willingness to change on your own.  Speaking from a Christian worldview, we are told in the Bible that it is God who works in us to will and act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).  Ask God to help you with this process. Invite the Holy Spirit to do a transforming work in your heart.

Remember the message of grace here: that if you are in Christ, you are no longer condemned (Romans 8:1) and you are set free (Galatians 5:1), and if you invite God in, He will do a healing work in you and transform your willingness.

Know that you can’t do this alone.

In addition to having the support and help of God, it is essential to have the support of other people to help you make these changes.  Social support is one of the most important factors in any addiction recovery.

Reach out to the people you know who are in recovery circles or who you trust are safe for you.  If you don’t know who those people are, now is a good time to find them.  Start by attending a 12 Step meeting, support group, or counseling session and connect with supportive people who can help you along your path to recovery.

Creating Hope in Chaos: A Therapist's Guide to Thriving During the COVID-19 Crisis

The current upheaval to many of our daily lives as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak is something we as a society have never experienced before.  Every person is affected directly or indirectly, by stay-at-home orders, closures of stores and restaurants, financial shifts, and the spread of the illness.  It’s easy for those who do not typically struggle with anxiety or depression to feel the stress of this moment in the world.

This makes the call to care for our mental health that much more important.  But how can we do that when many of us are stuck at home?  Here are a few ideas that may help you not only to get through this crisis, but perhaps to begin to thrive in the midst of and as a result of it.  Engaging in items on this list can create opportunities to change the way you approach your life for the long-term.

Reducing Anxiety

Limit your media intake. The public health crisis is constantly changing.  Every news media outlet is producing massive amounts of coverage of anything and everything having to do with the coronavirus.  It makes sense that many of us would want to follow these updates through the news.  But this can easily turn into constantly checking headlines or social media, feeling our anxiety rise with the second.

Create a limit for yourself on how much time you’ll spend on social media, news websites, or even watching TV coverage of coronavirus.  Choose a certain time of day when you will check and set a boundary to limit how long you’ll read or watch.

Incorporate deep breathing and meditation practices. Breathing and meditation can be a helpful way to calm the panic response that surfaces with anxiety.  If you notice yourself experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, focus on taking a few deep breaths, allowing the air to move down into your abdomen.

Guided meditations, which can be found on YouTube or through various apps, can be helpful to direct your mind to focus on your breath.  Many of these resources offer options for children as well.  For example, many mobile guided meditation apps such as Headspace and Sanvello are offering free access to services during the crisis. 

Practice gratitude. One of the greatest protections against anxiety is to focus on appreciating what you currently have.  Spend time daily reflecting on areas of your life for which you can be grateful.  If this crisis has allowed you more time to spend with family or focusing on tasks at home, find thankfulness in that.  Begin a list or a gratitude journal that helps you consistently keep track of the positives in your circumstance. 

Self-Care

Go outside. Even if you are in a community that has required its citizens to stay at home during this crisis, those orders often allow for physical activity outside.  Use this extra time to go for a walk or run.  Take your kids out on a bike ride or walk around the neighborhood.  Play or relax in your yard together.  Spending time in nature offers a multitude of mental health benefits, so why not take advantage of those now?

Practice active rest. Much of the reaction I’ve seen from people who have the privilege of being able to work from home is to rejoice in the fact that they get to catch up on their Netflix queues.  While there’s nothing wrong with watching a good show from time to time, spending a whole day bingeing on TV can lead to feelings of guilt or lethargy.  You might not have done anything during the day, but you still feel exhausted, whether from staying up too late watching your shows or the strain of so much screen time.

Instead of doing those things that seem like rest but are actually draining, lean into habits that provide actual rest for you.  Allow yourself to sleep in or take a nap.  Read a good book.  Pray, spend time reading the Bible, or practice other spiritual self-care.  Spend lazy hours talking with your loved ones or playing board games.  Letting your mind and body catch up on rest from the frenzied pace of normal life can be an incredible blessing during this season.

Exercise. As mentioned earlier, walking or running outside is an easy way to get out of the house while still following guidelines for health and safety of others.  Get into the practice of taking a short walk daily.  If you’re used to a commute to work, “walking” to work by strolling around the block can be an easy way to set boundaries at the start and end of your work-from-home day. 

What if you usually go to the gym to get in your exercise?  Look for opportunities to do those same exercises from home.  Free videos on YouTube (like Yoga with Adriene) or subscription programs (like OpenFit) offer at-home workouts that you can do from the safety of your living room.

Social Connection

Call a loved one every day.  Just because we’re “social distancing” doesn’t mean that we have to cut off all connection with the people we love.  I was inspired by a recent blog post by Marnie Ferree to get out my phone and call one of my loved ones on a daily basis.  This can be a family member, friend, coworker, or other member of your community that can help you feel connected within the craziness. Reach out to someone you haven’t connected with for some time and catch up on how they’re doing, offering your empathy and support in response.

Write notes of encouragement. Have you ever received a handwritten note in the mail?  It can be heartwarming to receive words of encouragement.  Why not spread the love during this time with the extra minutes we may have in our day?  Write notes to medical professionals who need support, friends who you know are feeling financial strain, or just to maintain connection with those you love. 

Have a family game night or scavenger hunt. The busy pace of life can prevent families from being able to spend quality time together on a more regular basis.  This period of extended time at home creates an opportunity for family members who don’t often get to see one another to spend quality time together.  As tempting as it may be to all sit in front of your individual screens, coordinate an evening where you play a game together or create a scavenger hunt through the yard or neighborhood for different items.

Use technology creatively to connect.  Video messaging platforms have allowed people to continue to connect when they are thousands of miles apart, so of course they can be used to connect with people who are just down the street.  Have a coffee date with a friend by brewing your own cups and then sitting down to chat.  “Go out” for drinks with your friends virtually.  Play a cooperative game with friends on a video gaming console or with various apps that allow you to connect in different locations.

Volunteer or donate. As a follow-up to the gratitude practice, you  may find yourself recognizing how blessed you are in comparison with others.  Although it may seem like you can’t do much while you are cooped up at home, there are plenty of ways you can serve and bless those who are dealing with more difficult circumstances.  Many local charities are accepting financial or material donations to support those in need.  Hospitals and medical facilities are accepting donations of certain medical supplies.  Many food pantries are still open and collecting dry goods.  If you have extra disinfecting wipes, hand sanitizer, or even toilet paper to share, consider offering it to neighbors of yours who may not have those supplies.

Notice the Positive

Reflect on what you’re learning. Ask yourself what you may be learning or observing during this drastic change in circumstances.  Can this new perspective or knowledge impact the way you live your life in the future?  How might you want to change our daily habits as a result?  For instance, perhaps you’ve enjoyed having extended time with your household and want to make that a priority in the future.  Perhaps you’ve discovered a new hobby or interest that will shape how you spend your leisure time once this crisis has passed.  

Focus on others. Often, this goes hand-in-hand with the suggestion of volunteering time or donating supplies.  When you shift your gaze to others who are in need, you are more likely to feel grateful for what you have and relieved of anxiety.  Pray for those in your community specifically, and ask others who you might pray for them.  Identify ways you can love or bless the people in your community using a strategy listed above.

Search for acts of kindness. The moments that have floored me most throughout this crisis have been the acts of kindness I’ve witnessed that offer hope and joy to others in the midst of chaos.  Keep your eyes open for ways in which your community might be carrying out some of these gestures. Brainstorm ways you might be able to participate in those acts of kindness.  Search for lists of ideas or become inspired by news coverage of these choices people are making to bring hope. 

Finding Your People: Social Support in Addiction and Trauma Recovery

In an early season of the television show Grey’s Anatomy, Christina, one of the main characters, has to undergo a medical procedure.  To do so, she needs to designate an emergency contact who can help her out if needed.  (If you’re a fan of the show, you know which scene I’m referring to.)  She writes down the name of Meredith, leading to an iconic phrase the show repeats through the seasons: “You’re my person.” 

We all need our “person.”  Or, in all honesty, our “people.”  We need those who can support us and help when we’re facing crisis.  But what if the biggest crisis you are facing is your own or your spouse’s struggle with sex and love addiction?

Maybe your spouse has just found you out and the behaviors you thought you could keep hidden from everyone are now coming to light.  Maybe you’re on the other side, discovering your spouse’s addiction, and you feel isolated and alone because of the shame tied to revealing his or her secret to others.  Having people to turn to and rely on when battling against sex and love addiction and trauma can be incredibly difficult, but it is essential for effective recovery.

Why is it so important?

For the Addict

We know that addiction thrives in secrecy, and accountability to others is a necessary component of maintaining sobriety.  Fear of feeling ashamed or rejected can keep you quiet.  But when you have people who know, they are more likely to hold you accountable for your actions because you’ll have to talk with them about it.  Honesty with your therapist is a great place to start, but you’ll also need to talk to people you can access more easily when you’re experiencing craving or wanting to act out. 

Speaking up about your addiction releases you from shame, paradoxically enough.  When you hear others’ stories and find similarities with their experience, you know experientially that you’re not alone.  Addiction is isolating because you can feel as though you’re the only one who struggles, and yet knowing others’ stories helps you rely on them for reassurance and validation when shame threatens to take over.

Talking to other individuals who have struggled in this area can be a helpful way to get feedback on what’s worked for them in their recovery.  When you’re on your own, it’s difficult to know how to stop.  But you can learn so much from people in recovery and notice your experience change as you integrate that new information.

For the Partner

Partners of sex and love addicts need to break through the feelings of isolation that come with discovery of a spouse’s addiction.  The pain and agony of finding out can lead to feelings of sadness, anger, grief, fear, and hurt.  These can be overwhelming when experienced on your own.  You might feel guilt or fear about sharing about your spouse’s addiction with others because of how it reflects on you or your self-esteem.  And yet you need to find a place where people can support you and help you not to feel so alone on this side of the trauma.

This support also allows you to have accountability for self-care and boundary setting.  Sometimes hearing from others about their experiences setting boundaries with their addicted spouse can help you have a better picture of what boundaries feel right for you.  These people can also connect with you if you’re having a hard day, listening to your difficult emotions or even offering practical help like taking care of your children.  Talking to others can remind you of your right to stand up for yourself, give yourself a voice, and practice self-care.

Another reason for connection is to find a safe place for yourself.  Lack of safety and stability in the home is a symptom that crops up often for partners in the wake of addiction.  Triggers can send your mood swinging back and forth as you relive the past years of your life in light of the addiction.  Finding a place where you can be with a friend or group on a regular basis can ease that burden by providing a consistent safe space in your life.

For Both

Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder often related to attachment wounds from earlier on in life.  Partners in trauma may also experience triggers related to their attachment style.

Attachment is a word that describes your experiences with caregivers at a young age.  These early attachments influence how you see others and the world around you, and they affect later relationships in life.  If your parents or caregivers were comforting, nurturing, and responded to your needs such that you felt loved, you’re set up to have a secure attachment.  But if your caregivers were unable to comfort and nurture you effectively, either by offering too much attention or not enough, you may have grown up with an insecure attachment style.  This is common if your caregivers dealt with their own experiences of addiction, depression, anxiety, or other mental health struggles. 

The good news is that these attachment styles aren’t permanent.  You can “earn” secure attachment through involvement with safe individuals in your life who offer nurture and comfort to you through their relationship with you.  Creating secure attachments in your adult life is a major reason why social support is so essential in the recovery journey for both the addict and their partner.

How to Find Support

12 Step Groups

12 Step groups are an effective starting place to find community with other people who understand what you’re experiencing.  Find a group that’s a good fit for you by attending at least six times and seeing if you feel connected and supported.  The best groups for sex and love addicts are Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  If you’re local to Michigan, these fellowships are particularly active and have several meetings in the Ann Arbor area.

There are also 12 Step groups for partners of addicts to address their own trauma.  COSA and S-Anon are great options for finding a safe place to talk about your experience and receive support.  If you aren’t comfortable attending a group specific to sex and love addiction, or there aren’t options in your area, Al-Anon is another great resource as a recovery program for friends and family of alcoholics.

Church-Based Support Groups

Finding a support group at your local church is also a helpful option.  If you’re a Christian, a church-based support group can be a helpful way to integrate faith into your recovery journey, as well as find support systems and accountability. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian 12-Step based program in churches around the country.  In the Ann Arbor area, churches such as NorthRidge and Oak Pointe offer groups for addicts and partners of addicts.

Therapy Groups

Many therapists offer group therapy as an additional option for extra support in your recovery.  There is often an extra layer of safety in these groups because they are run by therapists who maintain confidentiality and manage group dynamics.   

Existing Relationships

As an addict, you may struggle with telling anyone you are close to due to the shame of how their opinion of you might change.  But part of recovery involves coming clean in all areas of your life, including with people who are important to you.  While early in recovery, identify the people who are safest for you: those who are least likely to judge you and who you would trust to hold you accountable or support you.

As a partner, safety is incredibly important, as you are likely experiencing intense emotions and may be deciding whether to stay or go in the relationship.  Telling someone who’s going to bash your spouse or, alternatively, try to convince you to stay isn’t always helpful.  Instead, look for people who would be supportive of you no matter what you decide and share with them.  Consider your motivation to tell and the long-term ramifications of telling others. 

In Intimate Treason, Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi recommend using the image of a stoplight to decide who might be safe to tell.  Make a list of people you’d like to tell and rank them in terms of the three lights: red, yellow, and green.  Green individuals are supportive, safe people who you can trust with just about anything.  People in the yellow category may not feel safe to turn to for emotional support, but need to know for logistical reasons.  Those in the red are people who are unlikely to be supportive, will toss around blame, or may minimize the behaviors.  You might find, in this process, that family aren’t always safe to rely on emotionally at first, but may need to know for logistical reasons, such as when you are separating.

Have a conversation with your spouse and decide together who you will tell about the addiction and the corresponding trauma.  For the addict, you might feel challenged and uncomfortable by being asked to share your story, but openness is key to recovery.  For the partner, having a conversation allows you to feel free to talk to people without feeling guilt about telling your spouse’s story.  For individuals who are in the “yellow” group listed above, write out a short script as a letter informing them of the necessary information without going into too much detail and agree upon this together before sending it or talking to them.

While recovering from addiction is one of the most painful experiences you will likely go through in your life, the gift of lasting and supportive friendships that can come from that experience is one that can’t be matched.  Lean into this chance to build connection and community.

Eight Hygge Ideas for Your Mental Health

Imagine sitting in cabin lit only by a roaring fire in the fireplace and a few candles scattered throughout the room.  You’re wrapped in a blanket, holding your favorite book in one hand and a mug of hot tea in the other.  You’re full and satisfied from a delicious meal of soup and bread finished an hour or so earlier.  You take a look around the room to see your loved ones gathered around you, enjoying their quiet, cozy time.  You peek outside to see a blizzard blowing through, coating the trees and ground with a thick layer of snow.  You smile, grateful to be warm and wrapped up indoors and safe from the cold.

I don’t know about you, but this is my personal picture of happiness.  And, incidentally enough, the Danes would agree with me.

Hygge (pronounced HOO-ga) is a Danish word recently popularized through the book The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living* by Meik Wiking.  Danish happiness researcher Wiking wrote from his research on what makes the Danes consistently rate among the happiest people in the world.  His theory centers around practicing what he called “the Danish art of cozy.”

As you consider the major elements of hygge, it’s easy to see why this concept can provide so many benefits to physical and mental health.

Health Benefits of Hygge

Hyggeligt activities include such behaviors as practicing presence, or mindfulness, to the present moment.  Mindfulness can lead to clarity of thinking, a sense of calm, reduction of negative thoughts, and reduced stress.  The sensory nature of hygge can also contribute to being in the present moment, in noticing the warmth from the fire or a hot drink, the smell of a burning candle, or the feel of a soft blanket.

In particular for trauma survivors, relaxation strategies like these are essential in calming the fight-or-flight response of the nervous system.  Hygge is about safety and self-care, which can significantly affect the feelings of lack of safety that propel anxiety.

Social support is another key element of hygge that has major health benefits.  Spending time with loved ones allows you to cope better with stress, improve your motivation, and reduce feelings of depression and negative self-talk.  Spending time with people you love also ups your level of oxytocin, which increases empathy and can be a healthy alternative to destructive, addictive behaviors.

“Hygge is about being kind to yourself.”

— Meik Wiking

Practicing gratitude for these relationships and the connections you have with others similarly reduces stress and decreases depression.

Embrace Your Hygge

Give yourself a break.

You can use this physical practice as a way of changing your mindset from one of perfectionism and busy-ness to one of slowing down, appreciating the moment, and allowing space.  When you approach your life with this mindset, you’re likely to be more kind in your self-talk, compassionate toward yourself and others, and experience more pockets of joy throughout your day.

“Hygge is about giving your responsible, stressed-out achiever adult a break.  Relax.  Just for a little while.  It is about experiencing happiness in simple pleasures and knowing that everything is going to be okay.”

— Meik Wiking

Create a hyggekrog.

A hyggekrog is a space set aside in your home where you can experience hygge, like a reading nook or corner that feels particularly cozy.  Set aside some space in your home with the intention to use it for your hygge time.  Include an assortment of hyggelig items in the space, like your favorite books, a cozy blanket, a candle, and a houseplant. 

Turn off your screens.

While you can practice hygge while watching a favorite movie or TV show, reducing screen usage allows you to stay more present in the moment, and it also helps to promote physical activity and improvements to sleep.  Choose to turn off your phone for an hour up to an entire day, or keep it elsewhere so that it doesn’t distract you.

Read a book.

Recent research has found that reading for even a short amount of time daily can drastically reduce stress.  Choose a book that is a personal favorite or a new interest you’d like to explore and set aside some time to read it.  You can read on your own or invite friends to join you for a day of reading your own books together (talk about an introvert’s dream!) 

Host a hygge get-together.

Invite a small group of friends over (Weiking writes that the best number for hygge is 4) for a warm meal, good conversation, and some hot drinks.  You could schedule this time around the premiere of a favorite TV show or the release of a movie you’ve been anticipating on Netflix.  Or choose a theme for the evening and create food and activities that support that theme.  Plan a craft night where friends can bring knitting, crocheting, needlework, or any other crafty hobby they have.

Bake or purchase sweets.

It seems the Danish love sweet pastries (see: cheese or fruit Danish).  Weiking talks about the production of dopamine, a feel-good neurochemical, that is released when you eat sweet foods.  Take some time to make a favorite dessert or treat yourself to a pastry from the bakery.

Create a hygge playlist.

What type of music helps you to feel the most cozy and calm?  Are there certain songs or genres of music that remind you of home?  Put together a playlist you can use when you’re practicing hygge by yourself or when you’re having a get-together, or use a pre-made playlist.  Sometimes the music itself can provide a cue to relax and slow down. 

Play!

Nothing puts you more squarely in the present moment than play.  Whether you’re playing a board game, enjoying a sport, or simply doing something you loved when you were a child, you’ll find the joy of stopping your work for a short time to enjoy an activity that is frivolous and light-hearted.  Invite friends into this playful attitude and experience the happiness that a break for fun can bring.

Why We Need People: How Friendships Help You Live Longer

On any given day, how many people do you interact with?  Take a day this week and count the number of people with whom you have a social interaction, whether they be friends, family, baristas, or coworkers. 

In the past, face-to-face social interactions were more common.  Whether it was a spouse, family member, friend, coworker, or even just a cashier or postal worker, you would have some form of social contact on a daily basis.

Yet in a world where we are more connected through texting, social media, and FaceTime, that face-to-face contact is becoming less frequent.  It’s easier to purchase items online, use the self-checkout at the grocery store, text a friend rather than setting up a meeting, or work from home. 

While the advances in technology that allow us to do these things are convenient and useful, they have the potential to create a roadblock to relationships.

“Now, social isolation is the public health risk of our time.”

— Susan Pinker

As a therapist working with sex and love addicts, I often emphasize how important relationships are to my clients.  Yes, involvement in support groups and one-on-one relationships foster accountability from destructive behaviors.  But more than that, they provide healing to relational wounds that often form the foundation of the addiction.

Susan Pinker, in her TED talk, shares research she’s discovered about the roles of social contact and friendships in longevity and other health benefits.  She traveled to Sardinia’s Blue Zone, which has the largest concentration of adults over the age of 100 in the world.  Find out what she learned from these interviews in her talk.

What surprised you about this video?  Here were some helpful insights I gained:

People who have more social interactions live longer.

While Susan Pinker was interviewing the centenarians in the Blue Zone, she continually came into contact with family members and friends of these individuals who would stop by to say hello.  Their caregivers felt privileged and grateful to care for their loved ones.  Research about protective factors in relationships reinforces the influence of extended family, friends, neighbors, and daily interactions on longevity.

Online interactions do not have the same impact as face-to-face conversations.

Technology continues to develop to create closer imitations to face-to-face meetings, allowing for a greater sense of connection.  However, in the research on neuroscience cited by Pinker, she notes that oxytocin and dopamine were noticed in higher levels when individuals had face-to-face discussions as compared to viewing a video of a similar discussion.  Oxytocin and dopamine are two neurochemicals involved in the addictive patterns of sex and love addiction, further reinforcing the power of relationships for healing from addiction.

“Building your village…and sustaining it is a matter of life and death.”

— Susan Pinker

A factor in women’s longer lifespans may be their number of social contacts.

Anthropological research Pinker quoted indicates that research on baboons showed that females were more likely to prioritize social relationships.  Women tend to be more relational and social than men, and the ease with which women are able to maintain social connections may be a significant contributor to their life span.

Social relationships offer health benefits stronger than some medications or other treatment.

Research on support group interventions for breast cancer, chronic illness, or heart disease are shown to create a significant difference in treatment outcomes than those who simply use medication.  This indicates that having social support allows the body to function more effectively and bolsters the immune system.

What are ways to gain more social support?

Make an intentional effort to talk to people on a daily basis.

If you tend to isolate or find that you can make it for days at a time without having any meaningful social interaction, make a purposeful choice to change that pattern.  Choose the checkout line with a cashier at the grocery store.  Say hello to your neighbors the next time you see them.  Chat with your coworkers over lunch rather than eating at your desk.  This may be difficult, especially if you are introverted, struggle with social anxiety, or are simply out of practice.  Regardless, this intentional effort will make a difference over time.

Find a class or group that focuses on a special interest of yours.

What are the things you enjoy in your free time?  Maybe you’re athletic and love to play sports, or you like to read and talk about books.  Perhaps you love to knit or crochet, or you like fantasy football.  Search websites like meetup.com to find groups of people who share your interests.  Join a book club at your local bookstore or library, a club sports league, or a service organization and create relationships with the people you meet there.

Join a support group.

If you’re currently in therapy for sex and love addiction, support group involvement is a crucial step in healing.  Having the support of others through your stages of growth and freedom from addiction is a game-changer.  Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder usually stemming from childhood trauma, and healing trauma that comes from relationships requires positive, supportive relationships.  You can find support groups for sex and love addiction at Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).

If you’re in therapy for another addiction mental health issue, you’ve experienced grief or a significant loss, you’ve been diagnosed with a chronic or life-threatening illness, or you’re just looking for support, join a support group at local church, hospital, or community center that focuses on a topic relevant to you.  Connecting with others who are struggling helps you not to feel alone and provides an extra boost to your immune system. 

Get involved at a church through small groups or Sunday school classes.

If you are a Christian, it can be easy to become so busy with work, family obligations, and other responsibilities that getting involved in church events outside of Sunday services can feel like a burden.  But finding other individuals to support you on your journey of becoming more like Christ can be revolutionary not only in your faith, but also in your friendships.  Seek out a way to get involved with others in your church community through a small group, care group, or Sunday school class and begin to forge relationships based on a common ground of faith.