Coping With Betrayal Trauma Triggers as a Couple

When I work with couples who are recovering from sex and love addiction, one of the most common concerns is what to do when the betrayed partner gets triggered.  This is especially relevant when the addict has achieved sobriety and is working their program, but the betrayed partner continues to experience triggers. A trigger is a reminder in the present of the addict’s hurtful and addictive behaviors in the past.  Triggers can be accompanied by strong expressions of emotion that seem out of proportion to the present situation, flashbacks to the addict’s past behaviors, intense anxiety or fear, or a level of disgust toward the addict.

Triggers aren’t necessarily indicators that the addict has done anything wrong or broken their sobriety.  In fact, triggers will come up no matter how long the addict has been sober.  I often characterize triggers as having “one foot in the past and one foot in the present”.  Though the addiction may not be happening currently, the feeling aroused by the trigger is the same as if it were happening in the present.  They are a normal part of betrayal trauma recovery and broken trust that needs to be dealt with and healed in the relationship.

Types and Signs of Triggers

A trigger can be directly tied to the recovering addict’s behavior, but triggers can also be environmental.  Triggers tied directly to the addict might be observing their interactions with the opposite sex, seeing your partner hide something on their phone or computer, or your spouse arriving home later than expected.  An example of an environmental trigger might be a billboard for an adult bookstore, an explicit scene in a TV show or movie, or the mention of an affair in a book or magazine.

Sometimes these triggers lead to suspicion and distrust of the spouse, especially when patterns of behavior that were used to hide addiction are noted.  For example, if the addict would often engage in sexual acting out behaviors while traveling for work, traveling will likely carry a trigger in the future.  Or if the spouse used pornography late at night, staying up late alone may be another trigger.

Other times triggers are tied to relational dynamics that were present during the addiction.  If defensiveness was used to hide addictive behavior or emotional disengagement occurred as a result of the addiction, these will likely stir up a trigger response.  Emotional manipulation and gaslighting, withdrawing after an argument, and rage/intense anger are all types of relational dynamics that may have been used to hide or distract from the addictive behavior in the past. If they recur, they can remind the betrayed spouse of that experience and arouse suspicion.

As mentioned earlier, triggers often bring strong emotional reactions, to extremes of rage or the silent treatment.  They can spiral the betrayed partner into destructive thought patterns and anxiety, which may lead to a return to safety-seeking behaviors. Examples of these include searching through emails or phones or numbing out with the betrayed partner’s own addiction to food, shopping, alcohol, or other compulsive or impulsive behaviors. 

Some triggers are easier to prepare for, such as the travel trigger mentioned above.  However, many times triggers come on unexpectedly.  Having a plan in place for how you will respond to triggers as a couple can help you be prepared even for those that are unpredictable and arise without warning.

A Plan for the Addict

Slow down and breathe.

When your partner is triggered, often the impulse is to defend yourself against what can feel like an attack or accusation of wrongdoing.  Unfortunately, this can intensify the triggering experience, adding even more distrust to the relationship as you repeat patterns of defensiveness or dismissal that were used to hide the addiction.

Instead, use the tool of your breath to slow yourself down before you jump on the defense.  Take five to ten slow, deep abdominal breaths to help you stay present in your body and prepare to listen to their experience.

Remember what is happening.

Reframe these trigger moments as opportunities to grow in trust. Consider the concept that a trigger is about having one foot in the present and one foot in the past.  Typically, the trigger is not about what is happening now and is more about what your actions were then.  The trigger doesn’t necessarily carry an accusation with it, as much as it is a flashback to what happened in the past.  If there is some truth to the accusation, it does need to be addressed, and we’ll explore that later.

Listen.

Turn your attention toward your spouse and actively hear what they are saying.  It may help you to repeat their words back to them to ensure you understand, as well as clear up any misinterpretations or confusing communication.  This also helps your partner feel heard and have the opportunity to clarify their perspective. 

Contain the shame.

This is the most crucial component of this process for the addict.  Triggers stir up shame because shame comes with facing the reality of the harm caused by your addictive behaviors.  In fact, shame often contributed to addiction in the first place, as the addiction was a way to self-medicate against the pain of shame.

Addicts defend against shame in a multitude of ways.  You might deny your addiction altogether, avoid reminders of the harm done by your addiction, focus more on the future than the past, or even repress or forget moments from the addiction.  All of these options deny your personal responsibility, which can lead your betrayed partner to feel minimized. 

In order to respond to your betrayed partner with empathy, you need to contain your experience of shame by separating your identity from what you have done.  You need to remind yourself that you are not your addiction.  This is work that can be done in therapy or with your sponsor in 12 Step. The ultimate goal is to take responsibility and remember that a trigger is not a threat to who you are. 

Validate the pain of the past.

Connect with your spouse by acknowledging the reality of betrayal they faced at your hands and the hands of your addiction.  Key phrases for this step include words like, “Of course you would feel that way” and, “It makes sense why you would feel _____ based on my past behaviors.” 

Incorporate empathy here if you can.  Words like, “That really stinks” or, “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really hard” can be helpful here as well.  A combination of validation and empathy will go far in defusing the tension of the trigger.

Examine your own behavior and apologize if needed.

Self-reflect to see if the trigger your betrayed partner is experiencing is based in anything for which you can take responsibility.  A trigger like passing a billboard or going on work travel aren’t necessarily your responsibiilty, so this may be a situation to simply validate and share empathy.

On the other hand, triggers related to emotional manipulation in arguments, not following through on promised actions, or inappropriate behavior with a member of the opposite sex likely require an apology.

In a more subtle direction, it is important to apologize for safeguards that could have been in place to protect against this trigger.  For example, perhaps the two of you agreed to make a plan before travel to connect during the trip and you failed to do so.  Or you’ve committed to taking responsibility initiating date nights or weekly recovery check-ins, but you haven’t been consistent in following through on those commitments.  Own your actions that set up an environment for a trigger.

Answer their questions.

See if your spouse has any follow-up questions to the trigger, particularly if it involved direct action or inaction on your part.  Answer these questions as openly and honestly as you can.  Remember that any deception here will come back to hurt you when the truth eventually gets revealed, as it inevitably will.

Rebuild trust in the moment.

Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to rebuild trust in the moment.  Physical touch may be a good way to increase connection, if the partner desires it.  They may also have a request for a date night or other shared activity as a way to connect emotionally and relationally.  They may have a request to create a new agreement around the trigger for the future.

A Plan For the Partner

Breathe.

Just as the addict in this situation needs to slow down and connect to their body, the same is true for you. Intense emotions that accompany triggers can either take you completely out of your body or overwhelm your body with emotion.  This is true for anyone facing trauma flashbacks.  Practicing a centering or grounding breathing exercise can help you slow down enough to observe what is happening in your mind and body. 

Reach out for support.

Get in contact with some of the support individuals in your life who know about your betrayal trauma recovery and ask for encouragement or a listening ear.  A source for this support might come from a women’s support group, your therapist, or a close friend who is empathetic and supportive in your recovery.  If you don’t have this support in place, now might be a good time to look for resources in your area or online that you can rely on the next time you face a trigger like this one.

Avoid the impulse to safety-seek.

Triggers that remind you of the addict’s past behaviors can throw you into repetition of the panic, fear, and hypervigilance of the early days after discovery.  Safety-seeking behaviors include actions such as compulsively searching through your spouse’s internet search history, phone contacts, or emails.  It could be manipulating your conversations with them to try to get them to slip up and say something incriminating.

Hallmarks of safety-seeking behaviors are that they are secretive, often carry shame with them, are attempts to feel like you have all the information and are in control, and usually make you feel worse instead of better.  Instead of choosing these destructive patterns, lean into supportive self-care until you are able to have a conversation with a support person or with your spouse.

Approach your spouse with the talking formula.

When you feel affected by a trigger and it feels appropriate to do so, talk about it with the addict using this format: “When I heard/saw [the trigger], what went through my mind was [thoughts] and I felt [emotion word].”

Feel free to ask questions or confirmation about their behavior.  For example, if it would help you to have more information, you might ask, “Would you be willing to share more about what was going on that day?”  Or if you need reassurance of their recovery, you might say, “It would be helpful to be reminded of your recovery plan. Can we go through that together again?”

Make a request for a change in behavior, if needed.

Identify if you would like to approach future trigger moments differently as a result of what you learned from this one.  Adapting your plan can involve both a joint discussion and an individual reflection.  You might ask your partner, “Could we make a plan together for situations like this in the future?”

You can also identify relationship patterns that you’d like to change if they were involved in the trigger.  For example, instead of emotional withdrawal and detachment, you could request that your partner remain present or plan a time to come back together to discuss an issue. 

Practice self-care.

Riding on the roller-coaster of a trigger is not an easy process.  It can be emotionally and physically exhausting to both experience a trigger and to process it in the aftermath.  Practice activities that are self-soothing and bring a sense of peace and calm to your physical body.  Utilize your resources of support to help you process through the conversation you had with your partner.  Regardless of what happens in the conversation with your spouse, you can still care for and validate yourself.

How to Use In-the-Moment Mindfulness to Cope with Distressing Situations

Imagine you’re called into your boss’s office for a meeting about your performance at work.  How are you feeling before that meeting takes place?  What about while you’re in the office sitting across from him or her? 

How about when your spouse says those fateful words to you: “we need to talk.”  What’s going through your mind?  Do you feel dread in the pit of your stomach?  Resentment bubbling up internally about whatever they’re about to say?

Or maybe you’ve had to sit down with your child’s teacher to discuss their misbehavior at school.  Do you immediately jump to anger and defend your child?  Are you feeling shame about yourself as a parent?

We all have moments when we are caught off guard by relational tension, trauma triggers, marital strife, or unpredictable circumstances.  These events can stir up strong emotions that interfere with your ability to remain present and connected to yourself and the people around you.

You might get caught up in a shame spiral, lost in a cloud of your own insecurity and negative, self-critical thoughts.  Anxiety may take over and leave you feeling wired and on edge, interfering with your ability to hear what the other person is saying.  You can feel rage or anger toward the person with whom you’re engaging, leading to impulsive outbursts that you later regret.   

How can you cope with these intense emotional responses without letting them overwhelm you and derail the interaction?

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be a helpful tool as you seek to soothe your anxiety, calm your fears, or reduce the intensity of your anger.  A simple definition of mindfulness is observing your current experience of emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and circumstances without judgment.

The “without judgment” quality is important, as judgments we make about our circumstances are often what intensify our negative emotional response.  To judge something is to see it as either good or bad.  For example, you might feel intense shame after a teacher talks with you about your child’s behavior because you feel like a bad parent.  Or you may be fuming at your boss because you think he or she is treating you unfairly in comparison with others in the company. 

Grounding strategies are a crucial part of mindfulness, as they create an access point to move you into more present awareness.  A grounding strategy uses physical sensations and sensory information to connect yourself to the present moment.  It involves tuning in to what is happening in the present as opposed to what has happened in the past or what you worry will happen in the future.

Ideally, daily mindfulness practice can set you up for success in these more distressing moments.  Practicing regular breathing strategies and sensory awareness allows for this response to come up more organically in your daily life.  But what happens when you’re in the middle of a conversation, work meeting, or parent-teacher conference when the distress hits?  What do you do when you don’t have time to take five or ten minutes away to do a more involved mindfulness exercise?

In-the-Moment Mindfulness and Grounding

These distressing situations provide an opportunity to adapt bigger-picture mindfulness skills you use elsewhere to keep you calm and engaged in the middle of challenging circumstances.  Using dual attention to focus on both what’s happening in front of you and your internal experience can be a game-changer in reducing your level of distress and emotional outbursts in stressful situations.

Use radical acceptance to limit judgment.

As mentioned earlier, the judgments and comparisons we make about our circumstances are typically what most contribute to our negative reactions.  Often, those judgments occur when we are powerless to change a situation.  The concept of radical acceptance teaches us to accept what we cannot change in the present moment, knowing that we can survive it.  Statements like “I can get through this” or “I’m strong enough to handle this” remind us that our current situation is temporary and make it easier not to judge based on the moment. 

Notice the points of contact between your body and the surfaces around you.

Using this technique to connect with your sense of touch can help ground you in the present. If you’re sitting in a chair, notice your back against the seat and your feet upon the ground.  If you’re standing, feel the ground under your feet.  Observe the feel of your clothing as it rests on your body. 

Tune in and slow your breathing.

Typically when distress, anxiety, or anger hits, your breathing will speed up and get shallow.  Notice your breath and whether you can feel your chest rising and falling (a typical signal of shallow breathing).  Intentionally slow down your breath and focus on breathing into your lower abdomen.  Counting your breaths can be helpful here, as it can give your mind a point of focus.  You could also use a breath ratio like four-square breathing (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts) or a 4-2-6 breath ratio (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts, breathe out for 6 counts), if you are able to focus on counting while staying engaged.

Briefly scan through your body.

Another way to connect to yourself in the present is to complete a quick body scan.  Beginning at your feet, move awareness up through your body and note any areas of tension or stress.  When you feel tension, take a focused breath as if you are breathing into that area of tension and notice how it may relax in response.

Observe one item in the room.

Engaging your visual senses can help to ground you as well.  Look at an item in front of you: a stapler on a desk, the vase in your living room, a poster on the wall.  Notice as many details about that object as you can.  Observe its shape and texture.  Identify all the colors you see on it.  Estimate how big that item is.

Repeat a supportive word or phrase to yourself.

Words have power, and when you can remind yourself of supportive, encouraging words in crisis, it can defuse the tension you feel.  Use a short phrase like “I’m going to be okay” or “I can handle whatever happens.”  If you tend to feel shame or insecurity, use affirming statements like, “I can make mistakes and still be a good person.”  If you’re trying to contain out-of-control emotional reactions, remind yourself, “I can have strong feelings and still cope with this situation.”  Sometimes even a short word or phrase that cues you to breathe and calm down can help: words like “relax,” “breathe,” “peace,” or “calm.”

Pray.

When you feel powerless over your emotions or the circumstance you’re facing, offer up prayer to God, who is in control.  Pray for the outcome of the situation or ask God to help you stay present even though it might be challenging to do so.  At times, you can match a short phrase of prayer to your breath, such as “Come, Lord Jesus” or “Holy Spirit, come.”

Hold or touch an item and notice how it feels.

Similar to noticing the points of contact between your body and the surfaces it is touching, actively holding an object can help ground you using your sense of touch.  Bring a small object with you into a conversation you expect to be distressing and hold it in your pocket.  You can touch the arm of the chair you’re sitting in or the table in front of you and notice how it feels.  You can even hold your hands together or gently run your fingernails over the inside of your palms or fingers to observe the sensation.

Relax your facial muscles.

When we are in a stressful situation or are observing someone else’s distress or anger, we tend to mimic what we see in other’s facial expressions.  This can cause us to feel the same emotion that other person is feeling.  Instead, intentionally seek to relax the muscles of your face to take on a more neutral expression. Your emotions will likely follow suit.

Questions to Ask Yourself When You Get Triggered

To anyone observing you from the outside, it would look like any other Wednesday night.  You’re sitting at home, watching TV and occasionally checking your phone.  But internally, you’re a mess.  You can barely focus on the distraction of the television.  Your hand shakes as you check your phone once more, seeing no text or call from your husband, despite it being over an hour later than he said he would arrive home.  Your heart is pounding and adrenaline is rushing through your veins.  Your mind feels like it’s on a constant loop: “He’s acting out again.  He’s lying to me.  Who is he seeing behind my back this time?”

Finally, the sound of the garage door seems to echo through the house as you hear your husband pull in.  He’s barely opened the door to the house when you explode.  Anger, fear, and hurt mingle and spill out as you raise your voice in accusation, sure that he’s been with his affair partner again.  You threaten to leave him, question why he couldn’t contact you, and finally end in tears as you storm off to the guest bedroom to spend the night.

What it means to be triggered or “activated”

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?  Maybe you haven’t experienced reactions this extreme before, but you’ve felt strong emotion rise up in you that seems to come out of nowhere, and you can’t figure out how to cope with it.  In common language, you’ve likely experienced a trigger.

Now, I know that the word “triggered” can be, well…triggering. In some ways, it’s become a political term laced with additional meanings such that many don’t like using that word.  It can also be associated with an addiction: being “triggered” to act out.  In that respect, I’d like to borrow from Vicki Tidwell Palmer in how she approaches this experience: replacing the word “triggered” with “activated.”

How do I know I’m activated?

When you’re feeling activated, you’re usually having a strong emotional reaction that seems disproportionate in relationship to what has caused it.  It can come with intense feelings of anger.  You experience physical symptoms of anxiety or stress.  Your fight or flight response kicks in as your adrenaline levels rise.  You may even have flashbacks to previous memories, a hallmark symptom of trauma.

Questions to ask yourself

When you notice this shift in your experience and symptoms of trauma arising, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help make sense of what’s happening and create a plan for your self-care in the here-and-now and in future situations.  It might be helpful to pull out a pen and paper or a journal and write out your answers to these questions.

What is going on in my body?

Trauma is held in the body.  When you are feeling activated in response to a reminder of past trauma, you’re likely to feel that in your body.

Bring awareness to your body and notice what sensations you’re feeling.  Do you feel warmth or cold?  If so, where?  Any tightness or tension?  Any pain?  Is that sensation located in one part of your body, or spread throughout?  Do you notice any change in your posture or stance?

What emotion am I feeling?

Emotions are felt physically, which is why identifying your physical sensations first will help you connect what you’re feeling physically to what you’re feeling emotionally.  Pull out a feelings chart or other resource to help you put words to what emotion or emotions you’re experiencing. 

As mentioned earlier, anger is a common immediate emotional reaction.  While anger can be a primary emotion, often it serves as a secondary emotion covering over feelings of hurt, anger, anxiety, stress, or loneliness.  If you notice anger, ask yourself: is there another emotion driving this anger?  Even asking this question can be challenging.  Anger covers those other emotions because they are vulnerable, and anger is a way to power up and protect yourself rather than accessing the pain associated with the primary emotion.

What happened?

Now it’s time to review what actually happened.  In some cases, you aren’t aware of what specific event led to feeling activated.  If this is true, you’ll need to trace back to the first moment you felt this way and review what was going on at the time.  If you are aware of a certain interaction or event that precipitated the activation, start there.

Write out the events leading up to becoming activated as if you’re describing a scene from a movie.  What did you observe with your five senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste?  Who was involved?  What were the exact words said (as much as you can approximate)?

How did I interpret what happened?

Have you ever seen an image of Rubin’s vase?  Depending on your perspective, you’ll see a different picture.  If you’re looking at the white portion of the image, you’ll see a vase.  If you focus on the black side, you’ll see two faces in profile.

The same is true of events that cause this activating response.  Your thoughts and interpretations about the events are going to be influenced by your perspective and unique experience.  I appreciate phrasing this question as “what did I make up about this?” As coined by Pia Mellody, this question helps identify that what you observed and what you think about it aren’t the same thing.

Has a boundary been crossed?

Anger in response to activation can be an indicator that a boundary line has been crossed.  That boundary line might be crossed by the other person, or it can be crossed by you.

Let me explain what I mean.  It’s easy to see when a boundary line is crossed by someone else.  You’ve made an agreement or said no, but it isn’t respected.  If that’s the case, identify where the boundary line has been crossed and communicate that boundary directly.  Clarify what you will do in response if that boundary line is crossed again to take care of yourself.  In some cases, you may not need to say this directly at all – you may simply need to change how you respond in the future.

On the other hand, you might be crossing a boundary line on your own.  Each individuals’ thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs are his or her own responsibility.  If I am trying to take responsibility for controlling or changing someone else’s thoughts, emotions, actions and beliefs, then I am crossing a boundary line.  Or vice versa: if I am blaming someone else for how I am thinking, feeling, or behaving, that’s a boundary violation. I’m shifting the blame to them as opposed to taking responsibility for my own reaction.  In this case, the next step is to redirect your attention to something you can control: in this case, your own thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs.

What do I need?

Reflect on what you wish would have happened in this situation instead.  Connect to the previous traumatic experiences you’ve had where you’ve felt similarly (even as far back as childhood) and identify what needs you had then that weren’t met.  Do you need a stronger boundary?  Do you need to practice self-care?  Do you need to make a request or another individual involved for clarification or support?

Once you’ve figured out these needs, identify how you can meet that need through what you can control.  You aren’t able to force another person to do what you want them to do, but you can request help or support from a spouse or friends.  You can change your own behavior to meet needs in healthy ways.

How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?

Usually the experience of getting activated is enough to send you into a tailspin.  At this point, you might need to do some damage control self-care to calm your emotions and enter back into your window of tolerance.

Note that, when I’m talking self-care, I’m not referring to the type of “self-care” as ladies night with wine and binge-eating chocolate.  I mean actually taking care of your needs in a healthy way, even if it challenges you to do something you don’t feel like doing.  For example, if you realize part of what led to you being activated was being hungry and having low blood sugar, self-care involves eating something nourishing and nutritious to help balance that out.  When I’ve been sitting around all day, I know I’m more likely to be irritable.  Taking action to go outside for a walk or complete a productive task is self-care in this situation, as it shifts my mood.

An Example

Let’s take the scenario at the top of this article and apply these questions to see what we learn.

• What is going on in your body?  You feel heat in your cheeks and adrenaline coursing through your veins.  Your stomach and chest feel tight.  Your muscles feel tense.

• What emotion are you feeling?  Anger, fear, hurt

• What happened?  My husband communicated he would arrive home at 6pm but he did not arrive back until 7:30pm.  When he came in the door, he apologized for his lateness and explained that the flight had been delayed and he was unable to contact me to tell me.

• How did I interpret what happened? At about 6:20, I started to panic.  The story I made up was that he stopped by the strip club or one of his former affair partners’ homes on the way back from the airport and that was why he was late.

• Has a boundary been crossed?  We earlier agreed that if there were any change in travel plans, he would communicate those to me.  He could have sent a text or email to let me know it was delayed.  At the same time, I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions, and my reaction in our argument crossed a boundary line.

• What do I need? From him, I need commitment to clear communication about his travel plans.  From myself, I need grounding in the present and regulation of my emotions so I can see what’s true.

• How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?  I can ask directly for my spouse to re-commit to the boundary that we originally set.  I can call a friend and process my emotions with her.  I can spend time journaling or praying to practice emotional self-care.

Understanding the Window of Tolerance and How Trauma Throws You Off Balance

Have you ever felt out of control of your emotions?  Overtaken by anger or rage?  Swarmed by anxious thoughts and worries? Confused by the intensity of your emotional reactions?

What about feeling shut down emotionally? No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to feel anything.  You’re disconnected from relationships and others, and you coast through your day feeling numb.

Chances are, if you’ve had this happen to you, you’ve been outside of your window of tolerance. 

What is the window of tolerance?

Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the term “window of tolerance” describes the space where your level of arousal (how alert you are) matches up with what is required for you to do.  This window is the space where you can approach day-to-day life most effectively, handling emotions without losing control and making clear-headed decisions with rational thought.

Imagine an average day where you aren’t troubled by too much stress, but you’re still alert and able to focus on your tasks.  Typically, this would place you right in the center of your window of tolerance: you’re not facing anything beyond what you can handle.  You can experience emotions without being overtaken by them and feel safe in general.

Let’s say a minor stressor comes up: you get a phone call from your boss that requires you to do additional work, or an email comes in from your child’s teacher about misbehavior in their class.  That stressor will increase your level of arousal, maybe even to put you at the edge of your window of tolerance, but if you’re still within that window you can handle the stress without getting too out of sorts.

Our brains are designed to handle the ups and downs of emotions and experience by remaining within this window of tolerance.  We may have unconscious coping mechanisms in place that help us handle that stress, or the passage of time brings us back to the center of that window.

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM) has provided this infographic to help you visualize the window of tolerance.

What happens when I go outside the window?

When a circumstance, stressor, or trigger is enough to throw you outside the window of tolerance, you enter into survival mode.  Outside the window of tolerance, the prefrontal cortex of your brain (involved in impulse control, decision-making, and regulating emotions) shuts down.

If your level of arousal is too high and jumps above the window of tolerance, you’re experiencing hyperarousal.  Usually this is the initial response when a stressor throws you off balance.  Hyperarousal comes from your fight-or-flight adrenaline response, which can show up with increased heart rate, racing thoughts, digestive issues, or hypervigilance in your surroundings.  You might feel an intense wave of anxiety, panic, or anger.  Your emotions can be overwhelming and out of control.

If your level of arousal is too low and dips below the window of tolerance, this is hypoarousal.  This comes from a freeze and shut-down response, often as a reaction to the adrenaline rush of hyperarousal.  Hypoarousal can look a lot like depression.  You might notice lack of motivation, exhaustion, and feeling numb and disconnected from emotions.

How Trauma Affects the Window of Tolerance

If you’ve experienced trauma, whether big T (like a natural disaster or prolonged abuse) or little t (like gaslighting or emotional manipulation that adds up over time), you know that reminders of those experiences can bring you back to how it felt then.  These triggers happen out of nowhere.  A sound, smell, or location can send you into a negative spiral.  Often, these triggers go unnoticed and you’re left feeling anxious, depressed, or some combination of the two without really knowing why.  Other times, these are obvious reminders that trigger flashbacks or physical reactions in your body.

If you have experienced trauma, your window of tolerance shrinks.  The traumatic experience has likely taught you that the world is unsafe and unpredictable.  Triggers related to the trauma also increase emotional response, skyrocketing you out of your window of tolerance before you’re even aware of what’s happening.

Because the window of tolerance is smaller, you’re likely to fluctuate more often through hyperarousal and hypoarousal.  Something as simple as that call from your boss or email from your child’s teacher could send you into an anxious spiral. 

In some cases, when you’ve been outside of your window of tolerance for a long period of time, clinical levels of anxiety or depression can develop. Survivors of trauma may learn to adapt to fluctuations between hyperarousal or hypoarousal by moving toward unhealthy behaviors, such as addictions, to manage their discomfort.

How can I stay in my window of tolerance?

There are healthy alternatives to addictions or other destructive ways of coping that can help you to return to your window of tolerance.

• Breath work and grounding. Bring yourself into the present moment by taking a few deep breaths.  Use a breathing technique like four-square breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise to help you remember that you’re in the present.

• Check your thoughts. Talk to yourself about what’s going on in the present.  Question whether the feelings of panic or lack of safety are based in factual reality, or if they’re an echo of the past trauma.  Affirm yourself for changes you’ve made and work you’ve done or are doing to heal from the trauma.

• Self-care. When you notice your emotions getting out of control, think of that as a red flag indicating your need for self-care.  This can include things like going for a walk, taking a hot shower, giving yourself a few minutes to breathe, or calling a friend.  Look for self-soothing actions that help you not to be overcome by the emotion and ground you in the present

• Connection with loved ones.  Feeling supported and cared for by your loved ones can serve as an important part of self-care when you’re reeling from a trauma-related trigger.  Connect with your loved ones via phone call, text, or in-person meeting to remind you of their present role in your life. 

Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

The solutions above can be great in an emergency when you find that you’re already outside of the window of tolerance.  But if you’ve experienced trauma and are coping with a smaller window of tolerance, these will only provide a temporary fix.  Luckily, it is possible to grow that window of tolerance with focused work.

• Therapy. Creating space to process and deal with the impact of trauma on your everyday life with a professional counselor or psychologist can help create a buffer for your emotional reactions.  Your relationship and connection with your therapist is the most valuable part of any therapy relationship, moreso than what technique that therapist uses.  Find someone with whom you feel comfortable and safe and who can help you stay within the window of tolerance in your sessions, as healing can’t occur when you’re outside of that window.

• EMDR. As an EMDR-trained clinician, I have seen EMDR change the game with clients who have survived trauma.  EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) helps process and reorganize the traumatic memories in your brain such that they aren’t creating such strong emotional reactions.  This technique replaces the negative narratives and emotions from those memories with a more grounded and centered perspective coupled with positive, affirming words.

• Regular meditation practice.  While the short version of meditation and breathing mentioned above can help in a pinch, regular meditation practice can do wonders for extending the window of tolerance.  Doing regular breath work over time can create a habit that develops into a reflex to react to stress with conscious breathing.

How Do I Stop Myself? Seven Ways to Cope with Triggers of Addiction

Andrea is walking through the mall when she hears a familiar sound playing through the speakers.  She can’t quite make it out at first, but she notices a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She stops in her tracks and listens, finally making out the melody.  It hits her – this was the song she and one of her previous affair partners had called “their song.”  Flooded with emotions of fear, anxiety, longing, and dread, she turns on her heel and exits the mall at close to a sprint.

What Andrea experienced in that moment is what therapists who specialize in addiction treatment call a “trigger.”  Often sensory memories, such as the taste of a delicious meal, the smell of perfume, or seeing a beautiful view can remind you of fond memories.  However, for addicts, triggers like these can bring back thoughts, memories, or feelings that have to do with the addiction.  These triggers often cause an immediate, visceral response in the addict.  This response can be accompanied by reminders of the drug of choice.  Triggers become particularly impactful when the addict is facing stress.

If you often find yourself in a spot where you’re feeling triggered, what can you do about it?

While the ultimate goal of recovery from addiction involves identifying triggers and planning for them ahead of time, as well as reducing the effects they have, you may come across a time where you are triggered unexpectedly and wondering how to handle the ensuing emotions and memories.  Here are some ideas of what to do:

Stop and ask yourself the question: “Do I want to get well?” 

Marnie Ferree, in her book No Stones*, references the story in the Bible recorded in John 5 of a crippled man who had been waiting at the healing pool of Bethesda to wash himself in the waters.  When Jesus approaches him to heal him, He first asks him this question: Do you want to get well? 

Marnie names this as the most important question for recovering addicts, adding, “Your recovery will depend on how you answer this question on a daily basis.  Your yes will simplify many of the choices you’ll have to make.  Let your vision of sobriety and healing motivate and encourage you."

Questioning yourself in this way is a technique that comes from the theory of motivational interviewing, which has been shown in some studies to change a nicotine addict’s response to the trigger of tobacco.  It helps you to connect with the delayed consequences of your actions, rather than just being caught up in the immediate gratification that addictive behavior gives.

Practice quality self-care.

In our driven and self-motivated culture, self-care strategies are very often pushed to the side or forgotten about completely.  In fact, lack of self-care can a contributor to addictive behavior, as cravings are often worsened by stress or a desire to escape from the realities of life.

While self-care can include such activities as exercise and journaling, a self-care strategy that is particularly potent for fighting back against addiction is gratitude.  Practicing gratitude helps to slow the deprivation mentality that accompanies addiction, instead replacing it with joy in response to the good things present in your life.

Practice acceptance.

If you have struggled with addictive behaviors, your brain has been trained to respond to triggers by turning to the addictive behaviors.  Part of the reason this connection is so strong is because often, addictive behaviors met what they promised, even if it was only for a moment. Rather than shaming yourself for that tendency, offer yourself grace and remind yourself that these thoughts are normal for people in recovery.  Remind yourself that you are re-learning new patterns, and take time to engage in those new patterns right then and there.  Accepting the past and making a choice to live differently puts you in a position one step above the addiction, as you reclaim your power and strength over the behaviors.

Engage with your desires.

Often, the underlying cause of addictive behaviors is a desire to fulfill a legitimate need, but the fulfillment is carried out in a way that is destructive.  The acronym HALT is often used with addiction: that triggers are more likely to affect you if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Instead of choosing to run to addiction, take some time to slow down, name the desire (even if it’s just for a delicious meal!), and find ways to meet that desire in a healthy way.  For sex and love addicts, the underlying desire behind addictive behaviors is often intimacy and connection, which is why relationships with others in 12-Step groups or therapy groups can often provide a healthy way to meet that desire.  For Christians, engaging with desire can look like connecting with God in prayer, naming the desires you have, and seeking to trust him with the desires not yet met.

Reach out to your social support.

If you are in recovery, it is important to link yourself up with people who can support you and who know the whole story.  While this support network may begin with just your therapist, your therapist will likely encourage you to join a 12-Step group (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) or support group in order to find others with whom you can empathize and receive help.  If you notice a trigger, call your sponsor or a trusted friend from your support network to be able to talk you through it or be with you in it.  The most effective way to interrupt your addictive cycle is to talk through it with someone.

Take a mindful moment.

Mindfulness helps you to re-center yourself on the present moment, rather than getting caught up in memories of the past or desires for the future.  Practicing mindfulness forces you to slow down, pay attention to your emotions, and acknowledge what you’re experiencing.  It also helps you to identify how your thoughts and actions are being influenced by those emotions.  Take some time to practice this grounding exercise that engages your senses: notice five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch, two things you smell, and one thing you taste in the environment around you.

Use affirmations to remind yourself of truth.

As you begin to walk through recovery, you’ll realize how your self-image and negative core beliefs about yourself have influenced your behavior as well as your response to triggering events.  Find words that you can repeat to yourself in the moments where you feel weakest that are in direct contrast to the negative self-talk you use in moments where you are triggered.  These statements can be something along the lines of “I am strong enough to overcome this” or “I am loved.”  Scripture can be used as affirmations as well, with verses such as Philippians 4:13 (“I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” NLT) or Psalm 23:1 (“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.” NLT)

Ultimately, you will not be able to avoid or eliminate triggers altogether in your recovery from addiction.  You cannot control the sights, sounds, and smells that are around you on a daily basis.  What you can do instead is learn to cope with those triggers and put supports in place so that when you are facing a trigger, you know how to best handle it.