Surrender to the Process: Task 3 in Carnes’ 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

A common struggle for addicts entering recovery is the tug-of-war of their desires: wanting to stop acting out while still feeling a pull toward addictive behaviors.  Early in recovery, there’s often an expectation from yourself or from a spouse or loved one to change instantaneously.  And at the beginning, that can feel possible: after discovery or disclosure of addiction, you might have an immediate sense of disgust or distaste for the addiction that fuels sobriety. But with time, that initial emotional response subsides, and the addiction can easily come back when the underlying roots of the problem are still hidden.

One of these underlying roots is a sense of control: a belief that you can force yourself to stop your addictive behaviors, you are in control of your own recovery, and you can pick and choose what you do to get better.  Notice, however, that one of the hallmarks of addiction is repeated attempts to stop without success.  Often early attempts to stop are half-hearted, done in isolation, or not informed by recovery principles. 

The momentary willingness that comes after disclosure or discovery will not turn into long-term sobriety unless there is a recognition that past attempts to control don’t work.  Unless there is a true surrender of control, change will not last.

Surrender to the Process vs. Attempts to Control

What is Surrender?

Surrender is a recognition of the reality that you do not have the power to get better from your addiction on your own or by manipulating or controlling your recovery.  This ties into 12 Step work and breaking through denial as you recognize your own powerlessness and unmanageability.

Surrender acknowledges that the attempts you’ve made to change have been futile.  Often, this is because they are done by yourself without the support or accountability of others.  Or because you approach recovery in a piecemeal fashion, only choosing to do some things and leaving behind necessary tasks for your recovery that stir up discomfort.  Or you may be still on the fence about recovery in general.

What is Control?

Control happens when we believe that we are not powerless and that we can do the work of recovery on our own.  This often leads to white-knuckling, a term that refers to forcing yourself to stop acting out behaviors by sheer willpower.  The term “dry drunk” refers to someone who may not be acting out in their addiction, but hasn’t addressed the underlying root causes of the addiction to create lasting, holistic life change because they are still seeking control. 

Control can be obvious, as in some of the examples above, but it can also show up in subtle ways.  When you are only doing some of the work of recovery and ignoring putting into practice that which makes you feel uncomfortable, you are exercising your own control.  Control shows up in comparing yourself to others in recovery, seeing yourself as better or more capable than them.  Thoughts like “if I just do better, then it will all be fine,” are denial statements that foster this sense of control, but then lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, or self-hatred when you cannot follow through on change.  Another indicator is a lack of willingness to rely on others for support or help through the process, meaning you aren’t attending meetings, don’t have a sponsor, and have no accountability with other group members.

Characteristics of Surrender

Surrender requires you to be uncomfortable.  When you’re surrendering to the process of recovery, you will feel discomfort with some of what you are tasked to do.  You might not like some of the early restrictions or accountability you need to put in place, like an internet blocker, location tracking app, or daily accountability with a sponsor.  But remember that picking and choosing what you feel comfortable with in recovery is a setup for slips and relapse.

Surrender releases anxiety to experience peace.  When you are attempting to stay in control, you put incredible pressure on yourself to change on your own, followed by devastating shame when you inevitably fail.  If you choose to surrender to the process, you can experience the peace of knowing that you aren’t alone and help is available. 

Surrender requires that you say no.  You will need to learn what your limits are in recovery.   We like to think that we can do everything we want and resist temptation to act out in addiction, but this isn’t true. One of the ways denial perpetuates addiction is to tell you that you should “test your strength” or “test your resolve” by putting yourself in risky situations. But this is another form of ritual and preparation for acting out.  You need to identify appropriate boundaries and restrictions early on to set yourself up for success.  Addicts are notoriously bad at boundaries – that’s part of the addiction – so surrendering to boundaries that others help you identify or that have been tenets of the 12 Step recovery process are necessary. 

The Spiritual Nature of Surrender

If we can’t do recovery on our own, then what does that mean? Who can do it for us?

Surrender is a spiritual discipline.  Recognizing the role of God in this process is essential.  In 12 Step, incorporating God or your Higher Power involves recognizing something bigger than yourself that is guiding you toward health, because your self isn’t cutting it.  Step Two and Step Three of the 12 Step program dig into this exploration in more detail. 

Surrender to God or a Higher Power can be a tricky endeavor for those whose views of God are complicated, who have difficulty trusting in God, or who don’t believe God has the power to create change.  These roadblocks are worth working out in the context of your 12 Step group or with your sponsor.  At the bare minimum, believing that there is something outside of yourself that will guide you through recovery, even if it is as simple as the 12 Step process or your work with a sponsor, gives you a good place to start.

Practical Steps for Task 3

Ask for help.

The easiest way to recognize surrender in someone is their willingness to no longer tackle the addiction on their own, but to actively seek out help from others.  This can come in the form of joining a 12 Step group, therapy group, support group, or going to counseling.  Take it a step further by connecting with a sponsor or other group members for contact outside of the group.  Recognize that asking for help requires vulnerability and openness: you need to share the realities of your addiction openly with someone rather than offering partial information.

Identify your Higher Power.

This can be the God of the Bible if you are a Christian believer, or can have a foundation from your religious background.  If you chafe at the idea of religion, you may choose the 12 Step group, people who have gone before you in recovery, recovery itself, or a particular value you hold like love or compassion.  Again, seek to identify something bigger than yourself and have conversations with others in the program to open yourself up to faith and be curious about this process. 

Name denial-based roadblocks.

Denial in your thoughts can be a major factor that keeps you in control and prevents you from offering full surrender.  When you look at the subtle types of control listed above, do you identify with any of them?  Make a list of the denial statements that are most common to you that fuel these attempts to control.  They can include thoughts like, “I don’t need to do that,” “I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “other people might need 12 Step, but I don’t.” 

Now consider: what have you tried before in terms of your recovery?  How successful was it?  Is your denial telling you the truth or not?  Look also at what beliefs might be causing you to resist placing trust in your Higher Power or in the support of others.

Grieve the losses associated with surrender.

Surrendering addiction is hard, often because it can feel like you’re giving up the only coping mechanism you have available when stress or other painful emotions arise.  There are aspects of addiction that were appealing or pleasurable to you, and you will need to let go of them.  It also may require you to let go of the belief that you are in control or that you are capable of stopping on your own.  Surrender is a process of letting go.

Remind yourself of your commitment.

When you choose to surrender, it is not a one-and-done moment.  Surrender is a daily practice.  Repeatedly remember your commitment to surrender through a daily reminder, as with a spiritual practice like prayer, journaling, or meditation.  You might choose a mantra or repeated phrase like, “I can’t, but God can,” or “I choose to surrender to the process of recovery.”  Use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Regularly reinforce this commitment through the support of a church or religious community.

Invite others to help with boundary-setting.

As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding and implementation of healthy boundaries is a characteristic of addiction.  Recovery requires going back to basics with boundaries.  Sit down with your sponsor and talk about your limits and what you should say no to in early recovery, even if you don’t want to.  Get specific and honest here about what you truly need.  Your sponsor will help you explore which triggers are in your control and those you can’t control to help you adapt your boundaries accordingly.  Talk to others in your group with similar acting out behaviors about what boundaries they found effective in early recovery and choose to adopt some of theirs if they strike a chord in you.  Read stories of those who have been successful in recovery, many of which can be found in the foundational text of your 12 Step fellowship, and imitate some of the changes they made if they are relevant to you.

Six Strategies to Regain Control Over How You Use Social Media

It’s Saturday night, and you’re home alone again watching Netflix.  Cuddled up in your blanket, you open Instagram on your phone.  Before you know it, you’re scrolling through your feed, checking out all the latest engagements and baby announcements of your friends.  You see a group of former high school classmates taking a beach vacation together, a group of friends posting a picture out at the bar, and your ex posting a photo with his new girlfriend.  Suddenly you’re swimming in a sea of depression, self-loathing, and comparison.

Whether you’re a mom of young children bogged down by the demands of a Pinterest perfect lifestyle or you’re obsessed with the number of views of your Instagram story or TikTok video, use of social media has infiltrated our culture to such a degree that our lives feel defined by our status updates.

A study completed at University of Pittsburg a few years ago indicated that heavy use of social media was correlated with depression.  Connections were also found between time spent using social media and the severity of depression symptoms, number of social networking platforms used and levels of depression, and a decline in happiness with use of Facebook.

A major factor in the link between social media and depression is what University of Houston researchers termed “social comparison”.  This refers to the tendency we have to flip through our feeds and compare our lives to those of our “friends.”  People present their best, most polished selves on social media, and we spend time comparing those highlights to our worst moments.  We can feel jealous of what others have and give in to the mistaken belief that being perfect is what will make us happy.  Even comparing ourselves as better than someone else can have a negative impact on our moods.

Bullying plays a significant role in negative moods associated with social media.  Research shows that negative experiences are common on Facebook – in fact, as many as 1 in 4 adolescents reported being bullied through text or social media.  These negative experiences can not only contribute to depression in the short-term, but they can cause long-term traumatic effects.

What are some ways you can regain control over the impact social media has on your mental health?

Remove the apps from your phone.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I suddenly find myself mindlessly scrolling through Instagram.  Has this ever happened to you? The easy accessibility of apps on our phone makes the choice to look at social media almost unconscious. Deleting certain apps makes that decision more of a conscious choice.  Adding the extra step of typing the website into the browser before you can look at it is a deterrent from mindlessly scrolling social media.

Turn off your devices or charge them in a separate room an hour before bedtime.

In addiction treatment, “HALT” is an acronym used to describe situations in which addicts are more likely to be triggered: when they’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  These emotions can come up late at night, particularly feelingtired and lonely.  In other words, nighttime is the perfect setup for you to be sucked into a social-media-fueled depression.  If you place your devices in a separate room and make a point not to use them before bed, this takes the temptation away.

Take a social media break.

When social media feels like it’s consuming your life, consider taking an intentional break. Choose not to look at any of your social media apps for a day, a week, or a month.  Enforcing this break might involve deleting apps from your phone or using an app like RescueTime to limit your ability to access social media.

Limit checking social media to certain times of the day.

It’s easy to click over to TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook many times a day without thinking, and we can feel the wasted time slipping through our fingers.  Instead, choose two or three specific times during the day that you know you’ll have time and plan to look at your social media accounts then.  Sticking to this plan allows you to look forward to your scheduled time to check.

Figure out your purpose for social media.

Have you ever stopped to think why social media is so important to you?  Is it to maintain friends?  To feel connected to people who are far away?  To receive support or encouragement from others?  Or even just to distract you when you’re feeling bored?  Ask yourself why you are using it.  Studies have shown that those who use social media for positive interactions, social support, and social connectedness have positive outcomes for depression and anxiety.  How can you use social media as a means through which you can decrease loneliness?  Remind yourself of what purpose it serves for you every time you log in.

Take an active role.

Use your Facebook or Twitter accounts as a tool to post honestly about your life, to give encouragement to your loved ones, or to connect with your friends.  Studies show that “surveillance use,” or seeking to use social media to observe others’ lives rather than express your own (or what I think of as mindless scrolling) increases depression.  Use these accounts to share your authentic self and embrace your imperfections, combating the mistaken belief that perfection is the goal for happiness.

This article was originally posted on November 30th, 2017 under the title “Six Simple Ways to Cut Through the Social Media Funk.”

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Empower Your Future

When you’ve recognized the impact of your partner’s sex and love addiction on your sense of self-worth, it can be a challenge to identify how to break out of that trap.  You may feel stuck or powerless to change.  Your emotional landscape or confusing thoughts may make it difficult for the truth about your inherent worth and value to sink in.

We built the foundation of understanding the impact of betrayal trauma on self-worth by evaluating symptoms in Part 1 and reviewing reminders of what is true in Part 2.  Understanding the truth about addiction and trauma may be reassuring intellectually. But understanding might not change the way you feel, which is a major component of insecurity around your self-worth.  Today, we’ll explore how these insights can influence your behaviors such that your feelings of confidence begin to grow.

Acting “as if” as a pathway out of low self-worth

If you believed that your worth was inherent and not based on what others think of you, how might that change the way you interact with others?  If you believed that it was impossible to be “enough” for the addiction, how might that influence the way you relate to your spouse?  How might that create space for more self-care and boundaries?  As you answer these questions, begin to experiment with taking different actions that fit those changes in beliefs. 

Here are a few examples of potential applications if you acted “as if” these statements were true:

Attend a 12 Step meeting or support group.

If you believe that you are worth spending time with, it makes sense for you to reach out for social support.  Finding a safe place to talk about your doubts and hear others’ stories helps you know that you are not alone.  Outside help will both validate you and challenge you when needed. 

Begin personal counseling.

When you come to realize that the only person you can control is yourself and that you are worth caring for, you will be more likely to seek out professional help on how to do that.  You have a right to receive support and care in the process of moving through the trauma. Seeking out specialized counseling is a way to honor that right.

Release the burden of perfectionism.

If you’ve coped with feelings of failure or insecurity in the past by trying to keep your life together and be perfect, you might find the same patterns surfacing in your betrayal trauma recovery. Remember that your worth is not defined by how much you accomplish, by your status, or by your achievements.  Know that your worth is inherent and allows yourself to take a rest or ask for help.

Put your own needs first by practicing self-care.

Practice kindness toward yourself by recognizing the impact of the trauma of discovery and honoring your needs as a result.  Treat yourself how you would treat a friend if they were going through something similar.  Recognize your needs that aren’t being met and seek out healthy ways to meet them.

For many, self-care can be challenging because it contradicts beliefs that encourage you to put others before yourself.  However, in this case, re-centering on meeting your personal needs is necessary so that you can come into a place of serving and loving your family, spouse, and others more holistically in the future.  You can’t serve others from an empty shell of yourself.  You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

Review your “bill of rights” and set healthy, supportive boundaries that affirm your worth.

In the fog that comes after discovery, you might be unclear about how to achieve a sense of safety and stability.  If you’re doubting your worth, you might not be aware of what you have the right to ask for to create a sense of safety in your marriage.  Resources like the “bill of rights” on Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s website, as well as her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, can help you identify what you have the right to ask for and begin to help you on the process of setting boundaries that honor your personal worth and value. 

Part of this process is recognizing legitimate rights related to your body. Acknowledging your right to say “no” to physical or sexual intimacy at any point and particularly in the early stages of recovery can honor your sexual self.

Explore your options.

Talk to your spouse about couples counseling or treatment, intensive opportunities, or other steps of support.  Seek out resources for legal and financial support if you are considering separating and want to pursue financial independence.  Read books and attend seminars on trauma and addiction to learn more about what you might be experiencing.  Seek out safe people in your life who can provide support and a listening ear.

Recognize your own patterns of denial.

Did you have a sense that something was off long before you discovered your spouse’s addiction?  Were there odd occurrences that you explained away or minimized because the thought that your partner might be an addict was too much to bear?  In a relationship without addiction, it makes sense to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  But when you discover addiction, rediscovering your intuition requires you to shift that pattern.

To better prepare yourself for future deception that may or may not occur, it is important to examine how your denial manifested itself: how did you explain away inconsistencies in behavior and words?  How have you taken on more of the blame for yourself rather than allowing the addict to own it? By exploring these thought patterns in yourself, you’ll begin to learn to trust your gut again. 

Connect the dots between past trauma and present-day emotional reactions.

Each betrayed partner has a different emotional response to the pain of the trauma.  These responses typically relate to your history: wounds from your family-of-origin, painful experiences in romantic relationships, or even trauma or abuse. 

Consider how the particular patterns of self-doubt you’re feeling are connected to insecurities that stem from your past.  Take the time to unearth longstanding patterns of self-talk that might be contributing to your lowered self-worth.  In this process, you may also uncover some dysfunctional patterns in relating that stem from your past experiences and begin to shift the way you connect with others.

Grieve the hurts without being consumed by them.

You will likely experience grief in waves that hit you for a time after the discovery of your partner’s addiction.  This grief can feel overwhelming and can lead you to a place of self-pity and hopelessness.  It can trigger shame and guilt and lead you further into doubting your self-worth. 

When you feel waves of grief threatening to overwhelm you, use that as an opportunity to acknowledge the reality of the circumstances that have contributed to the pain and redirect your attention to self-care and empowerment to change.  Accept the reality of what is outside of your control and commit to finding ways you can make changes that fit in alignment with your values. 

Recognize that sometimes doubt about self-worth masks the legitimate grief of finding out about the betrayal and having to make decisions about the future.  Staying in a place of self-doubt or shame can be a self-protective response, keeping you from having to face the hard realities of what comes next.

List your strengths.

Make a list of strengths you have which can uniquely help you to make it through this process of recovery.  If you have trouble writing a list, ask those in your support network, your family, or your friends to name strengths they see in you.  Take a strengths-based personality assessment to uncover which qualities of your personality will help you to get through this season.  Identify resources or strengths that you are growing and fostering to remind yourself that you have power to change what is within your control. 

Mastering Work-Life Balance

Finding a balance between work and your personal life can prove to be a challenging task.  In analytical or technical work, it can be difficult to transition from the mindset needed at work to connecting in relationships at home.  In relational work like teaching, engaging with one more person after work can be exhausting.  Stressful jobs that tax us emotionally can make it difficult for us to stay present at home or feel motivated to pursue personal interests or relationships.  Financial concerns intensify these issues because of pressure to perform and keep our jobs in order to pay the bills.  With time, this can create chronic stress. 

For many of us who have transitioned to working from home during the COVID-19 pandemic, boundaries between work life and home life become harder to maintain.  Technology allows us to be accessible at all hours and can blur the lines between work and family.  Eliminating the commute may have created a loss of time spent decompressing or unplugging from work stress before arriving home.

Balancing work and personal life isn’t just a challenge for those who are married with families.  Single adults may find themselves isolating more from their friendships.  Married couples without kids or empty nesters can miss out on connection with their spouses.  Single parents may become disconnected or irritable with their children.

It doesn’t help that we live in a Western culture that defines our worth by what we produce, and most of what we produce is done in our work.  On average, we spend 40 hours a week working, but when those 40 hours feel like the only place we can find a sense of value, we’re tempted to work longer hours or to become consumed by stress as we seek to maintain this sense of worth.  Our work leaves us too exhausted to complete other activities to feel a sense of accomplishment elsewhere.  In the worst-case scenario, we can become burned out and unable to work at all, experience mental health issues, or permanently damage our relationships.

What is work-life balance?

Work-life balance involves separating work-related stresses and concerns from our personal lives.  This involves setting external boundaries around work, such as limiting work hours or disconnecting from technology at home.  It can also require internal mindset shifts away from thinking about work while at home or with family.

Achieving the ideal of work-life balance is tricky. For some, it feels impossible.  To a certain degree, this is true.  Balance, by definition, is something that we can never achieve, but we strive toward by taking intentional actions to honor our personal values.

Strategies for Creating Work-Life Balance

Don’t let your work be the only thing that defines you.

Think about when you’re meeting someone for the first time.  Often one of the first questions you ask is something like this: what do you do?  Where do you work?  It can become so easy to define ourselves and one another by our work.  When we love our job and find fulfillment from it, that is great.  But when our identity gets lost in our work, that can be a problem. 

This is a particular issue if your work creates stress or dissatisfaction.  If work is the source of your identity and value, but you’re experiencing negative feedback from your supervisor or criticism from your colleagues, you’re more likely to feel devastated by those experiences.

As you seek other ways to define yourself, consider what you value, what is important to you. Is it your faith? Your relationships with family? Perhaps it is a hobby or area of interest. Let the picture of who you are become more fully realized as you explore the aspects of who you are outside of work.

Create a ritual for entering and leaving work.

Before you settle in to begin work, start out your day with a ritual that will get your mind in work mode.  For example, you could spend the first five minutes of your workday with a quick mindfulness breathing exercise.  You can use an app like Headspace for a guided meditation.  Other ideas for rituals might be brewing a favorite cup of coffee or tea, lighting a candle or starting a diffuser, praying through your day, greeting everyone in your office, or doing a few stretches before sitting at your desk.

When you’ve finished work for the day, end your workday with a closure ritual.  One example might be writing down three things you were grateful for that day.  Other closure rituals might be verbally appreciating a coworker for something they’ve done, powering down your technology, turning your phone and email on do not disturb, listening to a music playlist on your commute, spending five to ten minutes journaling about your feelings from the day, visualizing a container to hold your work-related worries until the next day, going for a walk, or changing out of work clothes into more relaxing clothes. 

Explore and maintain hobbies and relationships outside of work.

Diving into activities outside of work helps you to define yourself by your interests rather than just what you do from 9 to 5.  Find a hobby that is life-giving for you or gives you a sense of flow. Pursue meetups or social events around the hobbies you enjoy.

Often, our friends come from our workplaces, so it can become common practice to talk about work when you’re spending time together outside of the office. However, this can perpetuate the stress you feel about work and blur those boundaries between work and home life. Consider requesting to make work talk “off-limits” when spending time with these friends.

Maintain your health through good self-care.

Consider various aspects of your health that are influenced by how you take care of yourself in your personal time.  Some of these areas might include physical health, spiritual health, emotional health, and relationships.

Maintaining a regular, consistent exercise routine can improve many different aspects of your mood. Starting out with a 10-minute walk or a quick yoga session can make a big difference. 

Find your people who can listen when you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed and need to vent, or who can help distract you from work stress by having fun together.  Schedule time intentionally with these people in your life, including your spouse and children.  It may sometimes feel like scheduling that time makes it feel less authentic, but it communicates that those people are a priority in your life.

Exploring your spiritual life can help you find greater meaning in the work you’re doing, provide comfort and support through the stress of a crazy work situation, or inspire you to pursue purpose in volunteering or giving to others.  Get involved at your local church or other religious organization that will help you grow in spiritual self-care.

If you’re starting to feel on the edge of burnout or have a hard time with this balance or boundaries, seek out counseling or other emotional support as an act of self-care.

Turn away from escaping behaviors and turn toward refreshing behaviors.

For many, decompressing after a long day at work looks like binge-watching TV, playing games or phone apps for hours, or compulsively shopping online.  These can provide a temporary high or escape from the stress of work. But they don’t create real rest, often feel more draining, or can develop into addictive patterns.  Similarly, using alcohol or drugs to check out after a long day can have harmful effects.  These behaviors might provide a temporary escape, but they aren’t restoring your energy or preparing you for the workday ahead.

Instead, ask yourself what really recharges you.  Is it more sleep?  Prioritize going to bed earlier for a few nights and notice how that impacts your stress levels at work.  Is it talking with your spouse?  Ask them to turn off the TV tonight and talk or do an activity together.  Is it reading?  Cooking?  Gardening?  Organizing your closet?  Make time to do those tasks.

Shift your mindset around work.

Often we feel dread around the tasks that face us at work.  The term “Sunday scaries” captures this well, referring to the experience of anxiety or dread that arises in you on Sundays as you consider the work week ahead. 

Instead of thinking of all the things we “have to” do for work and the stress that goes with that, consider changing your mindset to what you “get to” do, which changes the narrative to one of gratitude for what you have.  Teachers get to influence the lives of the students they teach. Counselors get to help their clients through a crisis.  Scientists get to do work that could cure an illness.  Doctors get to create health and wellness in their communities.  More broadly, those of us who are working get to have a job when so many can’t find work and are struggling to make ends meet.

Set boundaries.

One perk of many flexible workplaces today is that you have the ability to set your own schedule.  But one downside is that, without the built-in boundaries of clocking in and out at a certain time, you end up working longer hours than you would otherwise or completing “one more email” at home, which turns into another hour of work.  Set boundaries around your specific work hours and intentionally distance yourself from work once those hours are over.

When you are done with work for the day, leave your work at work.  Don’t check a few more emails when you get home: instead, consider turning off your phone or computer or storing it in a location away from you.  Talk with your boss about limiting when you’re available to take calls or emails.  Make sure your coworkers know that you aren’t available after a certain time of day.  You may choose to put an email auto-reply up as an extra reminder.  Honestly evaluate what you can commit to at work and have conversations with your supervisors if you think you’ve taken on too much.

Setting boundaries applies at home as well.  If there’s too much on your plate at home, talk with your partner about sharing some responsibilities.  If your partner is also strapped for time, or if you are single, consider delegating tasks like a cleaning service when you don’t have the time available.

If you feel that you can’t set boundaries, ask yourself why.  It may be for a legitimate reason, like being on-call at hospital or having a specific busy season in which you work long hours for a short period of time.  But sometimes the fear of setting boundaries has nothing to do with the job itself.  It can be a personal hang-up based on past experiences, a fear of losing your job, or avoiding rejection.  This belief pattern may need to be tested by setting a few boundaries and seeing what happens.

If you are consistently told by supervisors that you are not allowed to say no or set reasonable boundaries in your workplace, however, you might be in a toxic work environment.  Talk with a counselor or human resources representative to see if your experience is concerning and consider pursuing another job.

Do a little at a time.

There are lots of potential practical applications in this article, and if you attempted to take them on all at once, you would likely be overwhelmed with just one more thing on your already overfilled plate.  Don’t allow yourself to be overwhelmed in this way.  Instead, pick one item that stands out to you from the list above and make a commitment to that habit for 30 days.  See how well you’re able to carry it out and the impact that it has at the end of that time period and decide if you want to continue that practice or try a different habit.

Making Offers and Requests: Key Components of Rebuilding Trust after Sexual Betrayal

After the discovery of sex and love addiction in a relationship, the addicted partner often initially responds with promises to change their behavior.  This comes as a direct result of seeing the impact of the discovery on their betrayed partner: anger, grief, hurt and fear.

However, as time goes on, these promises can ring hollow. They came out of the addict having to face the consequences of their behavior in a crisis moment.  For the couple recovering from addiction, you might find that over time, the addict’s promises begin to fade and lose their urgency or importance.  For the partner that is rebuilding trust, this feels like a second wave of betrayal. 

Betrayed partners can respond in a few different ways to this discovery of addiction.  Some partners make threats to leave or divorce their spouse in the heat of the moment, disgusted and shocked by the betrayal.  Some avoid reminders of the addict’s behavior, coping by hiding from the painful emotions that arise when facing the addiction.  Others become hypervigilant, seeking information about their partner’s addiction in ways that border on obsessive.  Some partners become suspicious of the addict’s whereabouts and activities, trying to control their behaviors with demands.

Across the board, though, most betrayed partners are faced with uncertainty about how to move forward in their relationship or marriage.  They want to see changes in their addicted partner, and they want that change to be genuine and lasting, but they aren’t sure they can trust their partner’s words or actions.

This is where the language of offers and requests can come in handy when beginning to talk about rebuilding trust in the relationship. 

Offers

“Offers” are commitments to change specific behaviors done by the addicted partner and/or the betrayed partner as a way of rebuilding trust and honoring the relationship.  While offers may be informed by your partner or spouse’s desires, they are a way for each partner in the couple to take personal responsibility for their own actions.

Examples of offers include:

• I will attend individual and group therapy on a weekly basis specific to my sex and love addiction recovery.

• I will build accountability and support relationships through my 12 Step group, therapy group, or other supportive relationships.

• I will regularly identify and communicate my emotions to you in a way that is consistent with our work in couples therapy.

Guidelines for Offers

Ask for help.

If you’re having a hard time coming up with ideas on what to offer, ask your partner what he or she needs from you in the trust-rebuilding process.  You can also ask a therapist, sponsor, or supportive recovery friend, but the person who has the best sense of what they truly need is your partner. 

Take responsibility.

Look internally at your own role in creating problems in your relationship.  What are some of the ways you have failed to take responsibility for your own actions?  What would taking responsibility for them look like now?  Be willing to acknowledge your own wrongdoing and reasons trust might be broken in the relationship due to your actions or choices. 

Make them specific.

The more specific the offer, the more easily your partner can see that you are carrying it out, and the less likely they are to be disappointed.  Instead of saying, “I’ll go to therapy,” specify, “I’ll go to weekly individual therapy sessions with a therapist specializing in sex and love addiction treatment.”

Set a deadline.

If there are tasks that need to be completed in the trust-rebuilding process, set a certain date by which you plan to have those tasks done.  For example, if you offer to find a sponsor in your 12 Step fellowship, indicate a date by which you plan to have that sponsor (“I’ll ask someone to be my sponsor by the end of this month.”) 

What NOT to Offer

Instead of specific statements of intention, addicted partners often make more global, sweeping claims like, “I’ll do anything you want me to do,” or “I’ll do whatever it takes to save our relationship/marriage.”  A broad statement like this can be interpreted in many different ways, and often the variance in interpretation creates expectations and disappointment when there isn’t follow-through on those promises.  These statements are also often untrue: once the initial shock of discovery wears off, you may find that you aren’t willing to do everything your partner requests and would like to have room to negotiate or create compromise. 

Also, avoid using these offers as a bargaining chip, saying, “I’ll offer this if you’ll offer that.”  Offers are not meant to be a tool to manipulate or force the hand of your partner.  This sets up a distorted power dynamic that can lead to bitterness and resentment.  Any offer you make needs to be one that you are willing to carry out regardless of your partner’s response.

Requests

“Requests” are desires or wants for the recovery process that the betrayed partner and/or the addicted partner communicate to one another.  They differ from demands because there is room for discussion, negotiation, or refusal of the requests.  As partners can respond to requests in a variety of ways (yes, no, or negotiation), the partner who is making the request must be open to the possibility of receiving a response they don’t expect or that challenges their request. 

An important note here: requests are different from non-negotiable boundaries.  Non-negotiable boundaries are around behaviors that, if the addicted partner carried them out, would lead you to end the relationship.  Vicki Tidwell Palmer specifies the difference between non-negotiable boundaries and requests in an article that may help to clarify the difference for yourself. 

Examples of requests include:

• I would like to request that we pursue couples therapy together.  Are you willing to do so?

• I would like to request that we have a weekly date night where we can begin to connect on topics unrelated to addiction recovery.  Are you willing to plan those date nights?

• I would like to request that we have an age-appropriate conversation with our children about our addiction recovery.  Are you willing to have a conversation with me and our therapist planning that discussion?

Guidelines for Requests

Identify what helps you gain trust.

What would help you regain trust in the relationship?  Are there any recovery-related behaviors to which you’d like to see your partner commit?  Using a resource like Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s book Moving Beyond Betrayal can help you clarify your needs and identify what you want to request.  Talk to your therapist or other support individuals, as they may provide other resources to help you discern what you’re wanting from your partner.

Prepare for “no” and negotiation.

When you make a request, it is important to remember that your spouse has the right to say “no” or to ask for a compromise.  Prepare for how you might feel with each possible response.  Decide for yourself how important these wants or needs are for you and identify alternative options you’re willing to discuss as well as self-care behaviors you may need to use if your partner is unwilling to carry out one of your requests.

Keep a written record of agreements.

When you have conversations in which you make requests, write down any agreement you come to, whether it is a “yes” to your request or a compromise the two of you have arrived at together.  Having this written record will serve a few purposes.  It will help you look back periodically to review your progress together as a couple.  It can highlight changes that have happened to encourage trust.  It can also bring you back into alignment if you’ve gotten off track from the agreements you’ve made.

Take caution: this record of agreements isn’t meant to be a weapon to wave in front of your partner’s face when they aren’t complying.  If you do have a written list and things are out of alignment, approach a conversation about it with curiosity and patience rather than demands or anger.  If you worry that you won’t be able to maintain that openness, consider having this discussion together with your couples therapist in a therapy session. 

What NOT to Do

It is easy to slip away from the concept of requests into demands or ultimatums.  Demands do not allow your partner to make a choice about their behavior.  Ultimatums are often an attempt to control or manipulate your partner.  Using demands and ultimatums sets up a distorted power dynamic in which you are like the parent and your partner is like a child.  In order to be two adults on equal footing in a relationship, there needs to be balance in the power dynamic. 

Refrain from making requests that are meant to punish or chastise your partner.  Similar to demands or ultimatums, trying to punish your partner creates an unhealthy, imbalanced power dynamic. A good measure for making requests is identifying what your personal needs are and how your partner can support you in meeting those needs.  You should never be in a position where you are responsible for your partner’s recovery or change: the only person you can be responsible for is yourself.

The Balance of Offers and Requests

Typically, the addicted partner will need to make more “offers” while the betrayed partner makes more “requests” early on in the recovery process.  However, it is good practice to spend time with the reversal.  Betrayed partners, look for offers you can make to work on your own healing or address your responsibility in conflicts or issues in the relationship.  Addicted partners, consider requests you can make to help you support your partner more effectively and rebuild trust with greater ease.

Having an Offers and Requests Discussion

When you decide as a couple to present your offers and requests to your spouse for the first time, it is best to do in the context of a couples therapy session.  Each partners should create lists of both requests and offers, regardless of if you are the addicted partner or the betrayed partner.

As you sit down and walk through your lists together, be open to compromise and willing to talk through potential alternatives so that you can come to an agreement.  Resist the tendency to become defensive and instead try to have empathy for your partner’s perspective.  Use the phrase “help me understand” when you’re having trouble empathizing, then repeat back what you heard to be sure you’re understanding correctly.  Using conversation frameworks from John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, such as Dreams Within Conflict and the Art of Compromise, to aid you in this discussion.

Personal Strides in Partner Recovery: The Importance of Participating in Your Own Healing Work

If you are a partner of a sex and love addict, chances are you responded to the discovery of your significant other’s addiction with a mix of emotions: anger, fear, hurt, grief, rage, sadness, loneliness.  These emotions often come out of nowhere and blindside you.  You then have to deal with triggers that arise unexpectedly and bring surges of these intense emotions back.  You’re constantly revising history with the new information about the addiction at the forefront.

Just like anyone who has suffered an unexpected and devastating trauma, recovery from the revelation of a significant other’s sex and love addiction can be challenging and take time and a lot of work.  But one place that I see partners get stuck is with their eyes on the addict rather than their eyes on their own healing.

Where You Get Stuck

Immediately following discovery, your pain can serve as part of the push that generates enough discomfort for the addict to get into treatment and turn their life around.  This is often a good thing!  But not every addict responds in this way.  Sometimes the addict refuses help or seems half-hearted in their attempts to achieve sobriety.

In these situations, you might respond by focusing on the addict’s recovery: what he’s doing or not doing, how he is changing or growing in empathy, or a lack of change.  Being aware of these changes (or lack thereof) isn’t all bad.  It becomes a problem, however, when it’s all you think about.  When how well you are doing depends on the addict’s progress, that can lead to a tug-of-war in your relationship as you attempt to gain control over the impact of his addiction and his approach to recovery.

In attempting to take control of the addict’s recovery, you are trying to control your significant other’s choices, thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  But these areas aren’t something you have power over: their choice and responsibility belongs to them.  Attempts at control might include threats, manipulation, passive-aggressive comments, or constant criticism.

This response makes sense in light of powerlessness and fear that come with betrayal trauma.  But over time, you’ll see that it leaves you feeling hopeless, trapped, angry, and restless. 

What Could Be Beneath

Often, when partners shift into fix-it mode or any of these attempts to control their spouse’s recovery, it hints that they might be avoiding more painful emotions or uncomfortable realities they are now forced to face.  These might include the process of grief associated with finding out the person you married wasn’t who you thought they were.  It could involve insecurity about yourself, reminders of past experiences of trauma with an addicted family member, or re-organizing your concept of safety because of the addict’s deception.  You might be battling feelings of shame that prevent you from being able to share about your experience with others.

When you shift your gaze to your own healing work, you can finally experience the relief and freedom from chaos for which you’ve been longing.  You can move toward facing the reality of your current circumstance and taking decisive action to heal and become empowered. 

Practical Ways to Focus on Your Healing

Practice acceptance and commitment.

When I hear the Serenity Prayer, I think of the balance of acceptance and commitment: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  For you as a healing partner, this requires acceptance or recognition of the reality that your addicted partner is dealing with a legitimate addiction that has caused legitimate trauma, pain, and harm to you and others.  Courage and commitment come when you make empowered choices and recognize the control you have over your own life, response, and healing.

An important note: acceptance does not mean pretending that everything is okay and that you aren’t hurting.  That is denial, not acceptance.  Acceptance instead means recognizing that what has happened has actually happened and that it cannot be changed by wishing it were different.

The Karpman drama triangle can help us recognize reality.  When we look at the dance of the roles of victim-perpetrator-rescuer, we can identify where we’ve been swept up into the drama of addiction.  Recognize the drama you tend toward and learn ways to step outside the drama by identifying your own responsibility and making choices that reflect that.

Gear up with self-care.

Going through the trauma of the discovery of sex and love addiction is like getting in a car accident: you sustain injuries, some of which are plain to the eye, and some of which are invisible.  You need to take time and space to heal physical injuries by taking care of yourself: doing physical therapy, having regular doctor’s visits, eating and sleeping to recover, and resting your body.  Similarly, recovering from the wound of a betrayal requires you to take time and space to heal. 

Vicki Tidwell Palmer suggests focusing on the acronym PIES for self-care: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual self-care.  How can you care for yourself in each of these ways?

Much of this self-care is best in the context of a community of support.  Find support for yourself through a 12 Step fellowship, support group, or a trusted group of friends who you know are safe.  Safe people are people who can handle hearing about what you’ve been going through without siding too strongly with you or with the addict.  They give you space to process and make your own decisions.  Support also comes through professional help with a therapist specialized in working with partners of sex and love addicts.

Learn and set your boundaries.

Boundaries are an important part of recovery from betrayal.  Saying no to continuing to tolerate behaviors that are intolerable while also taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, choices, and attitudes are important pieces of recognizing your limits.  Setting boundaries can involve making requests of your spouse to change a behavior, but it is ultimately your responsibility to care for yourself regardless of their willingness to change.

The purpose of boundaries is to care for yourself, not to punish the addict.  These are not consequences you’re enforcing, like a parent with a child.  Instead, you are adapting your own behavior to respond to your partner’s behaviors  in a way that best cares for you.  One way to conceptualize this difference is to ask yourself: if my spouse never changes, how might I take care of myself?  You can make requests for him or her to change, but ultimately you are responsible for your own well-being and healing.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries in the early days post-discovery often become empty threats.  Threats to file for divorce or leave often get tossed around in the initial impact of the trauma, but usually they aren’t followed through upon.  Instead, define for yourself what your true deal-breakers are: what behaviors, if continued, would lead inevitably to needing to leave the relationship?  If we don’t know the answer to this question, every mistake or misbehavior gets categorized as non-negotiable.  However, if you’re not willing to leave when that behavior occurs, it’s not truly a non-negotiable.  As mentioned earlier, a trained counselor can help you through this process.

Get in touch with your emotions.

Emotional awareness is an important component of betrayal trauma recovery.  Your emotions provide a window to past experiences and clarify pain that needs care.  Emotions also connect to physical symptoms that may be frightening, like panic attacks, heart palpitations, pain with unknown origin, or decreased immunity.  (Note: if you have any of these symptoms, be sure to get checked by your primary care physician to rule out any other causes.)

While there are similarities to the symptoms of trauma, every betrayed partner has a unique, personal experience with discovering their significant other’s addiction.  This is heavily influenced by your unique upbringing with varied levels of trauma or pain.  Recognizing how the emotions that are arising now connect to themes of past experiences can help you heal from past wounds and identify what your needs are in the present.  As you become aware of your personal emotional reaction, you might also recognize what you might be avoiding by focusing on your partner’s recovery rather than your own healing.

Recognize distorted thought patterns.

Begin to recognize the common thought patterns that either allowed you to stick your head in the sand and avoid seeing the addiction, or that are chipping away at your confidence and ability to be empowered. Common distorted or unhelpful belief patterns involved in betrayal trauma recovery include such thoughts as:

• The addiction is my fault.  I wasn’t a good enough partner.

• I don’t deserve any better due to my shameful past.

• If only I had done ________ differently, this wouldn’t have happened.

• Other people don’t have to deal with this: I wish I could be like them.

• It isn’t the addict’s fault. It’s the fault of the pornography industry/affair partner/addict’s work environment.

• I can’t make it on my own.  I can’t survive without my spouse.

Do any of these phrases or other similar thoughts run through your mind?  Identifying which thoughts come up most often for you and dismantling them to uncover the truth is an essential part of your recovery journey.

Identify your particular tone of trauma.

In the same way that your emotional landscape is influenced by past experiences in your family-of-origin or other areas, the way in which trauma manifests often carries echoes of the past.  What trauma symptoms do you most identify with?  Do you feel trauma physically?  Emotionally?  Spiritually?  How might this be similar to what you’ve experienced with past trauma or with your family growing up?

If you recognize a history of past trauma that pre-dated the discovery of the addiction, it wouldn’t be surprising to have reminders of that past trauma resurface post-discovery.  Methods such as EMDR can help you process and heal those experiences such that you’re not carrying the pain from those into the challenging work of betrayal trauma recovery.

Questions to Ask Yourself When You Get Triggered

To anyone observing you from the outside, it would look like any other Wednesday night.  You’re sitting at home, watching TV and occasionally checking your phone.  But internally, you’re a mess.  You can barely focus on the distraction of the television.  Your hand shakes as you check your phone once more, seeing no text or call from your husband, despite it being over an hour later than he said he would arrive home.  Your heart is pounding and adrenaline is rushing through your veins.  Your mind feels like it’s on a constant loop: “He’s acting out again.  He’s lying to me.  Who is he seeing behind my back this time?”

Finally, the sound of the garage door seems to echo through the house as you hear your husband pull in.  He’s barely opened the door to the house when you explode.  Anger, fear, and hurt mingle and spill out as you raise your voice in accusation, sure that he’s been with his affair partner again.  You threaten to leave him, question why he couldn’t contact you, and finally end in tears as you storm off to the guest bedroom to spend the night.

What it means to be triggered or “activated”

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?  Maybe you haven’t experienced reactions this extreme before, but you’ve felt strong emotion rise up in you that seems to come out of nowhere, and you can’t figure out how to cope with it.  In common language, you’ve likely experienced a trigger.

Now, I know that the word “triggered” can be, well…triggering. In some ways, it’s become a political term laced with additional meanings such that many don’t like using that word.  It can also be associated with an addiction: being “triggered” to act out.  In that respect, I’d like to borrow from Vicki Tidwell Palmer in how she approaches this experience: replacing the word “triggered” with “activated.”

How do I know I’m activated?

When you’re feeling activated, you’re usually having a strong emotional reaction that seems disproportionate in relationship to what has caused it.  It can come with intense feelings of anger.  You experience physical symptoms of anxiety or stress.  Your fight or flight response kicks in as your adrenaline levels rise.  You may even have flashbacks to previous memories, a hallmark symptom of trauma.

Questions to ask yourself

When you notice this shift in your experience and symptoms of trauma arising, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help make sense of what’s happening and create a plan for your self-care in the here-and-now and in future situations.  It might be helpful to pull out a pen and paper or a journal and write out your answers to these questions.

What is going on in my body?

Trauma is held in the body.  When you are feeling activated in response to a reminder of past trauma, you’re likely to feel that in your body.

Bring awareness to your body and notice what sensations you’re feeling.  Do you feel warmth or cold?  If so, where?  Any tightness or tension?  Any pain?  Is that sensation located in one part of your body, or spread throughout?  Do you notice any change in your posture or stance?

What emotion am I feeling?

Emotions are felt physically, which is why identifying your physical sensations first will help you connect what you’re feeling physically to what you’re feeling emotionally.  Pull out a feelings chart or other resource to help you put words to what emotion or emotions you’re experiencing. 

As mentioned earlier, anger is a common immediate emotional reaction.  While anger can be a primary emotion, often it serves as a secondary emotion covering over feelings of hurt, anger, anxiety, stress, or loneliness.  If you notice anger, ask yourself: is there another emotion driving this anger?  Even asking this question can be challenging.  Anger covers those other emotions because they are vulnerable, and anger is a way to power up and protect yourself rather than accessing the pain associated with the primary emotion.

What happened?

Now it’s time to review what actually happened.  In some cases, you aren’t aware of what specific event led to feeling activated.  If this is true, you’ll need to trace back to the first moment you felt this way and review what was going on at the time.  If you are aware of a certain interaction or event that precipitated the activation, start there.

Write out the events leading up to becoming activated as if you’re describing a scene from a movie.  What did you observe with your five senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste?  Who was involved?  What were the exact words said (as much as you can approximate)?

How did I interpret what happened?

Have you ever seen an image of Rubin’s vase?  Depending on your perspective, you’ll see a different picture.  If you’re looking at the white portion of the image, you’ll see a vase.  If you focus on the black side, you’ll see two faces in profile.

The same is true of events that cause this activating response.  Your thoughts and interpretations about the events are going to be influenced by your perspective and unique experience.  I appreciate phrasing this question as “what did I make up about this?” As coined by Pia Mellody, this question helps identify that what you observed and what you think about it aren’t the same thing.

Has a boundary been crossed?

Anger in response to activation can be an indicator that a boundary line has been crossed.  That boundary line might be crossed by the other person, or it can be crossed by you.

Let me explain what I mean.  It’s easy to see when a boundary line is crossed by someone else.  You’ve made an agreement or said no, but it isn’t respected.  If that’s the case, identify where the boundary line has been crossed and communicate that boundary directly.  Clarify what you will do in response if that boundary line is crossed again to take care of yourself.  In some cases, you may not need to say this directly at all – you may simply need to change how you respond in the future.

On the other hand, you might be crossing a boundary line on your own.  Each individuals’ thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs are his or her own responsibility.  If I am trying to take responsibility for controlling or changing someone else’s thoughts, emotions, actions and beliefs, then I am crossing a boundary line.  Or vice versa: if I am blaming someone else for how I am thinking, feeling, or behaving, that’s a boundary violation. I’m shifting the blame to them as opposed to taking responsibility for my own reaction.  In this case, the next step is to redirect your attention to something you can control: in this case, your own thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs.

What do I need?

Reflect on what you wish would have happened in this situation instead.  Connect to the previous traumatic experiences you’ve had where you’ve felt similarly (even as far back as childhood) and identify what needs you had then that weren’t met.  Do you need a stronger boundary?  Do you need to practice self-care?  Do you need to make a request or another individual involved for clarification or support?

Once you’ve figured out these needs, identify how you can meet that need through what you can control.  You aren’t able to force another person to do what you want them to do, but you can request help or support from a spouse or friends.  You can change your own behavior to meet needs in healthy ways.

How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?

Usually the experience of getting activated is enough to send you into a tailspin.  At this point, you might need to do some damage control self-care to calm your emotions and enter back into your window of tolerance.

Note that, when I’m talking self-care, I’m not referring to the type of “self-care” as ladies night with wine and binge-eating chocolate.  I mean actually taking care of your needs in a healthy way, even if it challenges you to do something you don’t feel like doing.  For example, if you realize part of what led to you being activated was being hungry and having low blood sugar, self-care involves eating something nourishing and nutritious to help balance that out.  When I’ve been sitting around all day, I know I’m more likely to be irritable.  Taking action to go outside for a walk or complete a productive task is self-care in this situation, as it shifts my mood.

An Example

Let’s take the scenario at the top of this article and apply these questions to see what we learn.

• What is going on in your body?  You feel heat in your cheeks and adrenaline coursing through your veins.  Your stomach and chest feel tight.  Your muscles feel tense.

• What emotion are you feeling?  Anger, fear, hurt

• What happened?  My husband communicated he would arrive home at 6pm but he did not arrive back until 7:30pm.  When he came in the door, he apologized for his lateness and explained that the flight had been delayed and he was unable to contact me to tell me.

• How did I interpret what happened? At about 6:20, I started to panic.  The story I made up was that he stopped by the strip club or one of his former affair partners’ homes on the way back from the airport and that was why he was late.

• Has a boundary been crossed?  We earlier agreed that if there were any change in travel plans, he would communicate those to me.  He could have sent a text or email to let me know it was delayed.  At the same time, I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions, and my reaction in our argument crossed a boundary line.

• What do I need? From him, I need commitment to clear communication about his travel plans.  From myself, I need grounding in the present and regulation of my emotions so I can see what’s true.

• How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?  I can ask directly for my spouse to re-commit to the boundary that we originally set.  I can call a friend and process my emotions with her.  I can spend time journaling or praying to practice emotional self-care.

The Evolving Nature of Addiction Recovery: How to Keep Growing After Getting Sober

You’ve made it past the early stages of recovery.  Crisis mode has passed. You’re no longer just trying to get sober and understand your addiction.  You have a recovery plan in place.  Maybe you’ve achieved a major milestone, like a year of sobriety.  Or perhaps you’ve completed your 12 Steps.  You feel confident in yourself and your progress.  But you also might be wondering: what now?

Focusing on recovery as a lifestyle rather than as a one-time event is crucial once you’ve made it past the initial crisis of establishing sobriety.  The 12 Step model encourages you to go over the steps repeatedly for that reason.  Similarly, Patrick Carnes has developed a 30 Task Model, of which only the first seven steps are related to the beginning tasks of getting sober and understanding your addiction.  The later steps go on to making greater, long-term changes in your life.

Assess your progress.

Acknowledge where you are in the 12 Steps.

If you haven’t yet completed the 12 Steps, this is a good place to start.  Review which of these steps you have not yet fully completed.  There are certain steps, like Step Four and Steps Eight and Nine, that are particularly difficult because they require time and effort.  Making amends and learning how to forgive are challenging but necessary steps in this process.

Ask your sponsor, recovery friends, or support group for feedback.

The people who have supported your recovery work so far likely know you and your recovery best.  If asked, they may be willing to suggest a few options based on their experience of you.

Maybe you are letting things slip now that you’re feeling better.  You aren’t attending meetings or your support group as frequently, or you’re neglecting to reach out to people who are supporting your recovery.  Your self-care may be lacking.  The people who have been in your corner thus far will notice these things and give feedback.

If you don’t have a sponsor or anyone to ask, then getting a sponsor, building more deeply into recovery relationships, or joining a support group needs to be your next step.

Go back over your first step.

As you review your first step, see if you can add any additional information, now that you have more knowledge of addiction.  Identify factors (seemingly) unrelated to your addiction that may have been exacerbating the problem.  Challenges such as arguments with spouse, parenting difficulties, or overworking can be patterns that you’re likely to continue unless they are addressed.

Pinpoint other addictions.

Do you noticed any other addictive patterns in your life?  It is common to replace one addictive behavior with another: drinking copious amounts of coffee for the caffeine high when you’re recovering from alcoholism; using shopping or overworking as a way to cope with the stress of letting go of sex and love addiction.  This can be another way to self-medicate and avoid the tougher tasks of recovery.  Have you replaced one “drama” with another?

Check on the status of intimacy in your relationships.

Recovery requires creating healthy intimacy in relationships with yourself, your friends, and your significant other.  Healthy intimacy is not limited to sexual intimacy: instead, it means learning how to be vulnerable and connected to people without being held back by fear.  This starts with learning to be vulnerable and connected to yourself: recognizing your emotions, accepting your experience, and addressing your critical self-talk.

Identify any losses you have not yet grieved.

Often addiction comes from numbing out and escaping from feelings of loss or pain.  Therefore, avoiding the grieving process might have fueled your addiction.  Also, leaving the addiction behind is its own grieving process.  Identify areas where you might have unresolved grief or pain that needs to be processed.

It also might be time, now that you have more mental and emotional space, to begin to address some of the deeper issues that led you to addiction in the first place.  You may have early trauma in your past that led to negative core beliefs about your worth or value that have lingered.  It might involve destructive patterns in relationship with your spouse or friends that need a more major overhaul.

Recognize any additional amends that need to be made.

Incorporated into the 12 Steps is a requirement to make amends for past wrongs or failures toward others.  Making amends can be a one-time act in some cases, particularly for those with whom you have little interaction.  If you are married or in a long-term relationship, however, amends is an ongoing process.  Working with your partner on rebuilding trust is a goal that can propel you forward into living amends with them.

How to Take Action

Create or revisit your Personal Craziness Index (PCI).

The Personal Craziness Index is a tracking tool designed by Patrick Carnes and outlined in his book Facing the Shadow that can help you identify signs that you’re slipping away from living into your recovery.  Becoming conscious of the factors that are contributing to or taking away from your recovery over a period of 12 weeks can give you an idea of goals to be working toward.

Experiment with healthy intimacy.

Once you are able to connect with your own emotions and experience, then you can work on becoming intimate in more healthy ways in your friendships.  Choosing vulnerability in relationships is a strong way to foster connection, as Brené Brown suggests.  Look for opportunities to grow in intimacy, and ask for feedback from those with whom you are in relationship.

Do trauma work in therapy.

If you are working with an individual therapist, now might be the time to transition to processing past trauma.  There are several methods of trauma processing that are effective, but I personally am a fan of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or EMDR.

You might be wondering what trauma to focus on processing first.  If this is the case, I’d recommend working on a trauma egg, which is a tool to help you make sense of the impact of your family-of-origin and other influences on your experiences of past trauma.

Actively grieve losses.

Write a psalm of lament.  Write a letter to the person, item, dream, or ideal that was lost.  Identify what you’ve missed about the loss.  Consider what you’ve gained from the experience of walking through loss.

Shift your focus to a new area of growth.

After establishing sobriety and having more mental and emotional space, you might find that you need to focus on improving communication in your marriage, creating stronger friendships, growing in parenting skills, or dealing with workplace issues.

Once you identify which of these areas still needs work, make this a focus of your growth.  Go to marriage counseling if you’re wanting to restore your marriage.  If you’re looking to build more relationships outside of your 12 Step group, join a club or group at your church or in your town.  Work with your child’s teachers to help you grow as a parent.  If you’re dissatisfied with your career, consider career counseling or switching your job.

How to Respond When Setting Boundaries Doesn't Work (Boundaries Series Part 2 of 2)

You’ve recognized your need for change.  You’ve established a boundary and communicated it to the other person.  You may have included a “cause-and-effect” style consequence.  But nothing’s changing.  What’s wrong?

Unfortunately, boundaries aren’t always as straightforward as they seem.  You can run in to several different roadblocks that interfere with effectively setting boundaries.  Here are a few thoughts to consider as you explore why your boundary-setting may not have worked as well as you expected.

Use the broken record method when communicating boundaries.

When you first communicate your boundary, you might receive a defensive response questioning your decision.  This can lead to self-doubt and hedging that makes your boundary less clear.

Instead, reaffirm your boundary by communicating it again.  For example, you might say, “I can understand your perspective and need for help, but I will not be able to take on that volunteer responsibility.” 

You may continue to receive defensive responses from the other person, but your job is to keep communicating that same boundary over and over again, like a broken record.  Hold fast to that boundary in order to protect your needs. 

Remind yourself of your authentic personal power and seek to meet your needs on your own.

Vicki Tidwell Palmer, in her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, uses the phrase authentic personal power to describe the difference between areas in which you have power or control and areas in which you do not.  You can control your own thoughts, actions, behaviors, emotions, and attitudes, but you can’t control the actions or emotions of others.  They may choose not to respect your requests or your boundaries.

Recognize the areas where you are powerless to change others and find ways that you can meet your own needs using your own power.  For example, you can leave the room when an argument with your spouse becomes too heated, or suggest outings other than shopping to your friend with whom you tend to overspend.  Recognizing where you have power allows you to avoid feeling like a victim.

If the outcome is outside of your control because it depends on the actions of someone else, seek creative ways to set boundaries and follow through on consequences to meet your own need.  For example, you could say, “If you choose to come home later than you communicated you would, I will not have dinner prepared and ready for you.”

Follow through on consequences communicated.

A boundary isn’t truly functional unless there is follow-through on the consequences for breaking it.  Often, in a life without boundaries, you’re absorbing the effects of another’s actions instead of allowing them to experience those consequences themselves.

In some cases, consequences are minor and may only have a small impact on the other person.  In choosing outings other than shopping with your friend, you’ll still be able to spend time together: it will just look different.  When you say “no” to a volunteer opportunity, the consequence is that the person who asks will simply have to ask someone else.

But in some cases, the consequences are more significant.  For the addict who continues to act out, they may have to face the consequences of separation or divorce.  These significant consequences often can be difficult for you as well. Be willing to count the cost of these more significant consequences and imagine how they’ll play out, including what you’ll need to reinforce them.  Imagining the story all the way through until the end will help prepare you in case you need to follow through.

It is important to recognize how the consequences you communicate will also affect you and be willing to follow through anyway. If not, your boundaries will be ineffective at allowing you to get your needs met.  For the addict, the most important part of rebuilding trust is to line up words with actions.  In boundary setting, you need to operate with much the same principle.

Get comfortable with saying “no.”

As silly as it may sound, practice saying “no” on your own or with other people.  Stand in front of a mirror and rehearse what you’re going to say in communicating your boundary.  Talk with a friend or therapist and ask them to help you rehearse how your conversation will go.

An added benefit of practicing your “no” with a trusted friend is that you’ll receive support for the boundaries you’d like to set.  You’ll be able to process who the boundary setting goes and having someone to care for you if things don’t turn out as expected.

Be willing to re-evaluate and compromise if needed.

While I often find that the major issue with setting boundaries is maintaining them, the opposite extreme can also come into play: boundaries that become too rigid and unchangeable.  For example, if you decide that your spouse’s late arrival means you won’t make dinner for him or her, what happens when your spouse was involved in a car accident or was caught in an unexpected storm?  It may be worthwhile to reconsider the consequence of the boundary in this situation.

Be willing to have conversations with your loved ones and offer grace in situations that are outside of their control.  Look for places to compromise when your loved ones have a hard time agreeing with or carrying out your boundaries.  What might be a solution in the middle where you could get both of your needs met? Ask what the other individual is willing to agree to and see if that works for you.

Part of revisiting your boundaries might involve acknowledging that you don’t have control over the behaviors and choices of your spouse or of the person with whom you’re setting boundaries.  Since healthy consequences are meant for self-care and not for maintaining control over the other person, your consequences may not lead to change in them.  Boundaries are not meant to control, but are meant to help you receive what you need.

In this case, you’ll likely grieve the loss of an ideal or hoped-for outcome.  If the other person doesn’t respond in the way you’d hoped, you might need to re-evaluate how to get your needs met on your own.  In extreme cases, like in failure to respect boundaries about sexual acting out behaviors outside the marriage, this may mean pursuing separation or divorce.

These general principles are meant to help resolve simple boundary violations or conflicts, but real life can be complicated beyond what these simple solutions can provide.  If you’re facing these more complex boundary situations, consider sitting down with a therapist to discuss how to set boundaries specific to your situation.

How to Set Yourself Up for Success in Boundary Setting (Boundaries Series Part 1 of 2)

Beginning to set boundaries in relationships can be a difficult process.  It often requires you to change a pattern of relating that’s been ingrained into your lifestyle.  It might feel like swimming upstream. 

When you’re first learning to set boundaries, you’ll come up against resistance, including resistance within yourself.  Others might not respect your boundaries.  You might notice yourself having a hard time maintaining your boundaries because it feels uncomfortable.  Perhaps you’ll even begin to question or doubt yourself.

What makes a boundary a true boundary is holding to it no matter what resistance you come up against.  If a fence topples the second someone leans against it, it doesn’t function as intended to keep the bad things out.  Similarly, if your boundary is communicated with words but isn’t followed by actions, it isn’t functioning the way it should.

In the case of sex and love addiction, often spouses of sex addicts will threaten divorce or separation if the behavior doesn’t stop.  This can come from an honest place of desiring protection or safety.  However, if the boundary is not followed through upon, it’s an empty threat and therefore cannot effectively lead to change or safety in your relationship.

How can you begin to set boundaries in your life?

Identify what needs you’d like to have met as a result of the boundary.

How does the lack of boundary affect you? For example, if your spouse consistently communicates that they will be home at a certain time but consistently arrives much later, you may have spent time or energy on meal prep or childcare that you weren’t expecting.  If they have a history of addiction, you might also be fearful and feel unsafe as a result of their lack of communication.

Another example could be when you are asked to pick up one more volunteer responsibility at your church.  You might feel overwhelmed by the lack of time you have available for your family and friends.

What needs do you have that a boundary could provide?  In her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, Vicki Tidwell Palmer lists several needs that might be present in response to a lack of boundaries.  These include examples such as:

• Safety

• Empathy

• Understanding

• Freedom

• Peace

• Authenticity

• Honesty

• Love

• Rest

• Time

• Communication

• Respect

• Trust

• Affection 

Once you’ve identified your needs, you will be able to brainstorm possible ways to set a boundary with yourself or others to fulfill that need.

Clarify your vision for an ideal response to your boundary.

Imagine this: what would your ideal solution be?  Even if that solution feels silly or unrealistic, allow your mind to go there in search of the “perfect” solution. 

When you’ve created this ideal situation in your mind, ask yourself where you have the power or control to make that happen.  If your ideal solution to your need of rest is taking Saturdays off, you may have the power to set a boundary to say “no” to activities on Saturday.

Then identify where you’d need support or buy-in from others.  If your ideal solution to your spouse’s late arrival at home is his or her on-time arrival, you may need to request that they arrive home when they communicate they will.

You will also need to identify the consequence or result of a broken boundary.  Palmer explains that consequences are not meant to be punishment or attempts to control the other.  Rather, consequences are to be thought of in terms of cause and effect: the broken boundary is the cause, and the effect involves meeting your need.  A consequence to your spouse not arriving home when they say they will might be that you will not make dinner for them.  This meets a need for freedom to complete the other tasks that need to be done that evening.

Pay attention to what resistance you feel when holding that boundary line.

As you start this process of brainstorming solutions, you might notice doubt or misgivings arising.  Be curious about those: what’s getting in the way of setting those boundaries?  Is it fear of the other’s response?  Do you worry that you don’t have value or you’ll be forgotten if you say “no” to requests for help?

See if there are any areas of insecurity that you need to work through.  Remind yourself of statements of truth, such as, “My value doesn’t come from what I do for others,” “I have control over my thoughts and actions,” or “I can walk away if things get too heated.”

Communicate your boundaries clearly and directly.

The biggest issue I often see is deciding on your own boundaries but neglecting to communicate them and/or their consequences clearly and effectively.  Sometimes that can be as simple as saying “no.”  Other times you need to clearly state your request and the consequence if that request is not followed through.  For example, you might say, “If you continue speaking to me in a sharp and harsh tone of voice, I will leave the room.”

In some cases, it may be more appropriate to know your own boundaries and make choices to care for yourself that don’t involve the other person’s buy-in.  For example, you  may realize that going shopping with one of your friends is hard on your budget, as you tend to overspend while you’re with her.  You may choose instead to suggest different outings together that don’t involve shopping in order to maintain the friendship, but it may not be necessary to communicate that directly.  If, however, your friend pressures you to go shopping with her more often, there may come a time where you choose to communicate your boundary more clearly to her.

Recommended Resources for Boundary Setting

• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend – This book is a great primer on the concept of boundaries.  You can also purchase the corresponding Boundaries Workbook to help you put into practice the concepts you learn from the book.

• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer – While this book is written specifically for partners of sex and love addicts, she does an amazing job with her 5-Step Boundary Solution in explaining a concise, step-by-step process in setting boundaries.  I would recommend this for anyone interested in setting boundaries, whether or not you are a partner of a sex addict.

In Part 2, we’ll address what to do when you set a boundary and it doesn’t work out the way you expected.