Making Offers and Requests: Key Components of Rebuilding Trust after Sexual Betrayal

After the discovery of sex and love addiction in a relationship, the addicted partner often initially responds with promises to change their behavior.  This comes as a direct result of seeing the impact of the discovery on their betrayed partner: anger, grief, hurt and fear.

However, as time goes on, these promises can ring hollow. They came out of the addict having to face the consequences of their behavior in a crisis moment.  For the couple recovering from addiction, you might find that over time, the addict’s promises begin to fade and lose their urgency or importance.  For the partner that is rebuilding trust, this feels like a second wave of betrayal. 

Betrayed partners can respond in a few different ways to this discovery of addiction.  Some partners make threats to leave or divorce their spouse in the heat of the moment, disgusted and shocked by the betrayal.  Some avoid reminders of the addict’s behavior, coping by hiding from the painful emotions that arise when facing the addiction.  Others become hypervigilant, seeking information about their partner’s addiction in ways that border on obsessive.  Some partners become suspicious of the addict’s whereabouts and activities, trying to control their behaviors with demands.

Across the board, though, most betrayed partners are faced with uncertainty about how to move forward in their relationship or marriage.  They want to see changes in their addicted partner, and they want that change to be genuine and lasting, but they aren’t sure they can trust their partner’s words or actions.

This is where the language of offers and requests can come in handy when beginning to talk about rebuilding trust in the relationship. 

Offers

“Offers” are commitments to change specific behaviors done by the addicted partner and/or the betrayed partner as a way of rebuilding trust and honoring the relationship.  While offers may be informed by your partner or spouse’s desires, they are a way for each partner in the couple to take personal responsibility for their own actions.

Examples of offers include:

• I will attend individual and group therapy on a weekly basis specific to my sex and love addiction recovery.

• I will build accountability and support relationships through my 12 Step group, therapy group, or other supportive relationships.

• I will regularly identify and communicate my emotions to you in a way that is consistent with our work in couples therapy.

Guidelines for Offers

Ask for help.

If you’re having a hard time coming up with ideas on what to offer, ask your partner what he or she needs from you in the trust-rebuilding process.  You can also ask a therapist, sponsor, or supportive recovery friend, but the person who has the best sense of what they truly need is your partner. 

Take responsibility.

Look internally at your own role in creating problems in your relationship.  What are some of the ways you have failed to take responsibility for your own actions?  What would taking responsibility for them look like now?  Be willing to acknowledge your own wrongdoing and reasons trust might be broken in the relationship due to your actions or choices. 

Make them specific.

The more specific the offer, the more easily your partner can see that you are carrying it out, and the less likely they are to be disappointed.  Instead of saying, “I’ll go to therapy,” specify, “I’ll go to weekly individual therapy sessions with a therapist specializing in sex and love addiction treatment.”

Set a deadline.

If there are tasks that need to be completed in the trust-rebuilding process, set a certain date by which you plan to have those tasks done.  For example, if you offer to find a sponsor in your 12 Step fellowship, indicate a date by which you plan to have that sponsor (“I’ll ask someone to be my sponsor by the end of this month.”) 

What NOT to Offer

Instead of specific statements of intention, addicted partners often make more global, sweeping claims like, “I’ll do anything you want me to do,” or “I’ll do whatever it takes to save our relationship/marriage.”  A broad statement like this can be interpreted in many different ways, and often the variance in interpretation creates expectations and disappointment when there isn’t follow-through on those promises.  These statements are also often untrue: once the initial shock of discovery wears off, you may find that you aren’t willing to do everything your partner requests and would like to have room to negotiate or create compromise. 

Also, avoid using these offers as a bargaining chip, saying, “I’ll offer this if you’ll offer that.”  Offers are not meant to be a tool to manipulate or force the hand of your partner.  This sets up a distorted power dynamic that can lead to bitterness and resentment.  Any offer you make needs to be one that you are willing to carry out regardless of your partner’s response.

Requests

“Requests” are desires or wants for the recovery process that the betrayed partner and/or the addicted partner communicate to one another.  They differ from demands because there is room for discussion, negotiation, or refusal of the requests.  As partners can respond to requests in a variety of ways (yes, no, or negotiation), the partner who is making the request must be open to the possibility of receiving a response they don’t expect or that challenges their request. 

An important note here: requests are different from non-negotiable boundaries.  Non-negotiable boundaries are around behaviors that, if the addicted partner carried them out, would lead you to end the relationship.  Vicki Tidwell Palmer specifies the difference between non-negotiable boundaries and requests in an article that may help to clarify the difference for yourself. 

Examples of requests include:

• I would like to request that we pursue couples therapy together.  Are you willing to do so?

• I would like to request that we have a weekly date night where we can begin to connect on topics unrelated to addiction recovery.  Are you willing to plan those date nights?

• I would like to request that we have an age-appropriate conversation with our children about our addiction recovery.  Are you willing to have a conversation with me and our therapist planning that discussion?

Guidelines for Requests

Identify what helps you gain trust.

What would help you regain trust in the relationship?  Are there any recovery-related behaviors to which you’d like to see your partner commit?  Using a resource like Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s book Moving Beyond Betrayal can help you clarify your needs and identify what you want to request.  Talk to your therapist or other support individuals, as they may provide other resources to help you discern what you’re wanting from your partner.

Prepare for “no” and negotiation.

When you make a request, it is important to remember that your spouse has the right to say “no” or to ask for a compromise.  Prepare for how you might feel with each possible response.  Decide for yourself how important these wants or needs are for you and identify alternative options you’re willing to discuss as well as self-care behaviors you may need to use if your partner is unwilling to carry out one of your requests.

Keep a written record of agreements.

When you have conversations in which you make requests, write down any agreement you come to, whether it is a “yes” to your request or a compromise the two of you have arrived at together.  Having this written record will serve a few purposes.  It will help you look back periodically to review your progress together as a couple.  It can highlight changes that have happened to encourage trust.  It can also bring you back into alignment if you’ve gotten off track from the agreements you’ve made.

Take caution: this record of agreements isn’t meant to be a weapon to wave in front of your partner’s face when they aren’t complying.  If you do have a written list and things are out of alignment, approach a conversation about it with curiosity and patience rather than demands or anger.  If you worry that you won’t be able to maintain that openness, consider having this discussion together with your couples therapist in a therapy session. 

What NOT to Do

It is easy to slip away from the concept of requests into demands or ultimatums.  Demands do not allow your partner to make a choice about their behavior.  Ultimatums are often an attempt to control or manipulate your partner.  Using demands and ultimatums sets up a distorted power dynamic in which you are like the parent and your partner is like a child.  In order to be two adults on equal footing in a relationship, there needs to be balance in the power dynamic. 

Refrain from making requests that are meant to punish or chastise your partner.  Similar to demands or ultimatums, trying to punish your partner creates an unhealthy, imbalanced power dynamic. A good measure for making requests is identifying what your personal needs are and how your partner can support you in meeting those needs.  You should never be in a position where you are responsible for your partner’s recovery or change: the only person you can be responsible for is yourself.

The Balance of Offers and Requests

Typically, the addicted partner will need to make more “offers” while the betrayed partner makes more “requests” early on in the recovery process.  However, it is good practice to spend time with the reversal.  Betrayed partners, look for offers you can make to work on your own healing or address your responsibility in conflicts or issues in the relationship.  Addicted partners, consider requests you can make to help you support your partner more effectively and rebuild trust with greater ease.

Having an Offers and Requests Discussion

When you decide as a couple to present your offers and requests to your spouse for the first time, it is best to do in the context of a couples therapy session.  Each partners should create lists of both requests and offers, regardless of if you are the addicted partner or the betrayed partner.

As you sit down and walk through your lists together, be open to compromise and willing to talk through potential alternatives so that you can come to an agreement.  Resist the tendency to become defensive and instead try to have empathy for your partner’s perspective.  Use the phrase “help me understand” when you’re having trouble empathizing, then repeat back what you heard to be sure you’re understanding correctly.  Using conversation frameworks from John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, such as Dreams Within Conflict and the Art of Compromise, to aid you in this discussion.

Making Space for Your Inner Child

Do you ever wonder why you naturally go to destructive behaviors or habits without knowing their origins?  Do you feel like a child sometimes, overcome with shame about your behaviors but uncertain why you chose to respond in what seemed like an immature way?  Do you notice other adults acting like children, with corresponding temper tantrums or dependence on others?

These behaviors are often responses to childhood trauma or stress that you picked up as a way of surviving their impact because they worked, even if they aren’t healthy to use as adults. How can you get rid of these habits that have been holding you back?

The key is getting in touch with your inner child.

According to Google, the inner child is “a person’s supposed original or true self, especially when regarded as damaged or concealed by negative childhood experiences.”  This inner child, or child within, is the original core of who you are that has been affected in both negative and positive ways by life experience.  It often involves a sense of childlike wonder and trust, playfulness and fun. Issues arose when negative experiences and their corresponding messages interfered with your connection to your child within and problematic coping strategies took over. 

Why is it important to make space for the inner child?

For many of us, basic needs for nurture and support were not fully met in our families of origin.  You may have experienced either big T or little t traumas throughout your childhood that taught you certain messages about yourself and the world around you. 

One measure psychologists use to assess levels of trauma in childhood is the ACE score.  This list checks for areas of major, big T trauma.

At the same time, there are several basic needs of children that often go unmet in dysfunctional (or even functional) families.  In his book Healing Care, Healing Prayer, Terry Wardle names several of these needs including:

• Connection and belonging

• Unconditional love and acceptance

• Safe and loving touch

• Attention and assurance

• Protection

• Praise

• Play

• Role models/teachers/supporters/allies

• Opportunities to learn without punishment or pressure

• Permission to feel and express

• Age appropriate challenges and choices

As you look through this list, which needs were not met for you in your family growing up?  To be honest, it’s an extremely rare family that meets all of them.  When you identify which needs weren’t met, be curious about how you have been affected by that lack. 

Sadly, we’ve often been told to grow up and let go of childlike wonder and awe we experienced when we were younger.  Perhaps due to your family-of-origin trauma, you had to grow up too soon and care for siblings or yourself.  Maybe you never had the chance to get to know that younger part of yourself.  If we ignore this inner child, it will come out in behavior patterns we dislike.

“In every real man, a child is hidden that wants to play.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche

How to Make Space

Get to know your inner child.

Look through pictures of yourself at younger ages and notice how you feel about the individual in those pictures.  Identify what he or she liked or disliked.  Did that child have any particular needs?  How was he or she feeling in the picture?  Or at the stage of life when the picture was taken?  Identify which of the above needs were not met in this child’s life, and come to terms with the fact that the inner child had unmet needs. 

Visualize past pain and ask what your child within needs.

When you notice painful emotions, shame, or destructive behavior patterns coming up, listen and see if the inner child is telling you something.  Pay attention to the emotions you’re feeling, thoughts running through your mind, and sensations coming up in your body and see if they connect to a similar experience in the past.  In those memories, ask the younger version of yourself what he or she needs.  Sometimes simply allowing that inner child to have a voice can make all the difference.

Write a letter to a younger version of yourself.

If you connect with one of the photos of yourself or an image from past pain, address that child with your adult self by writing a letter to him or her.  Include the things you wish that child could know about the world and any advice you would’ve given him or her.  You might even imagine entering into that child’s experience and giving a hug or a comforting touch.  This is part of allowing your adult self to re-parent the younger version of yourself. 

Recognize your behaviors that come from a rebellious inner child.

When your inner child isn’t being honored or heard, you might notice problematic patterns surfacing in your life.  For example, you might be caught up in perfectionism and feeling exhausted, leading to harsh words toward your spouse or your child.  Identify where the perfectionism comes from: is it a coping strategy from your childhood?  What might your inner child have needed when that perfectionism first came to be?  Giving yourself the kindness and care you longed for at that point in your life can lead to healing and change.

Spend a day with your inner child.

Think about the activities and pastimes you loved as a child.  If possible, pick a specific age and identify some of your greatest desires and most enjoyable experiences during that time period.  Maybe you loved the carnival or the zoo as a child.  Or you could spend hours outside exploring in the woods. Take yourself on an outing for the day and let your inner child lead the way. 

“A child who does not play is not a child, but the man who does not play has lost forever the child who lived in him.”

— Pablo Neruda

Play!

The power of play is greatly underutilized and incredibly important.  Take the insights you gained from your day with the inner child and create awareness of moments in daily life where you can be in touch with your child within.  Take time to rest or enjoy a beautiful walk outside.  Go to a park and hop on the swings or pull out a favorite childhood board game and play with a friend.  Read a book series you loved when you were a kid.  Bring out some painting supplies and paint or draw a picture.

Additional Resources

If you’re interested in learning more about the topic of inner child work, here are a few books that may interest you:

• The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

• Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw

• Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles L. Whitfield