To anyone observing you from the outside, it would look like any other Wednesday night. You’re sitting at home, watching TV and occasionally checking your phone. But internally, you’re a mess. You can barely focus on the distraction of the television. Your hand shakes as you check your phone once more, seeing no text or call from your husband, despite it being over an hour later than he said he would arrive home. Your heart is pounding and adrenaline is rushing through your veins. Your mind feels like it’s on a constant loop: “He’s acting out again. He’s lying to me. Who is he seeing behind my back this time?”
Finally, the sound of the garage door seems to echo through the house as you hear your husband pull in. He’s barely opened the door to the house when you explode. Anger, fear, and hurt mingle and spill out as you raise your voice in accusation, sure that he’s been with his affair partner again. You threaten to leave him, question why he couldn’t contact you, and finally end in tears as you storm off to the guest bedroom to spend the night.
What it means to be triggered or “activated”
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? Maybe you haven’t experienced reactions this extreme before, but you’ve felt strong emotion rise up in you that seems to come out of nowhere, and you can’t figure out how to cope with it. In common language, you’ve likely experienced a trigger.
Now, I know that the word “triggered” can be, well…triggering. In some ways, it’s become a political term laced with additional meanings such that many don’t like using that word. It can also be associated with an addiction: being “triggered” to act out. In that respect, I’d like to borrow from Vicki Tidwell Palmer in how she approaches this experience: replacing the word “triggered” with “activated.”
How do I know I’m activated?
When you’re feeling activated, you’re usually having a strong emotional reaction that seems disproportionate in relationship to what has caused it. It can come with intense feelings of anger. You experience physical symptoms of anxiety or stress. Your fight or flight response kicks in as your adrenaline levels rise. You may even have flashbacks to previous memories, a hallmark symptom of trauma.
Questions to ask yourself
When you notice this shift in your experience and symptoms of trauma arising, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help make sense of what’s happening and create a plan for your self-care in the here-and-now and in future situations. It might be helpful to pull out a pen and paper or a journal and write out your answers to these questions.
What is going on in my body?
Trauma is held in the body. When you are feeling activated in response to a reminder of past trauma, you’re likely to feel that in your body.
Bring awareness to your body and notice what sensations you’re feeling. Do you feel warmth or cold? If so, where? Any tightness or tension? Any pain? Is that sensation located in one part of your body, or spread throughout? Do you notice any change in your posture or stance?
What emotion am I feeling?
Emotions are felt physically, which is why identifying your physical sensations first will help you connect what you’re feeling physically to what you’re feeling emotionally. Pull out a feelings chart or other resource to help you put words to what emotion or emotions you’re experiencing.
As mentioned earlier, anger is a common immediate emotional reaction. While anger can be a primary emotion, often it serves as a secondary emotion covering over feelings of hurt, anger, anxiety, stress, or loneliness. If you notice anger, ask yourself: is there another emotion driving this anger? Even asking this question can be challenging. Anger covers those other emotions because they are vulnerable, and anger is a way to power up and protect yourself rather than accessing the pain associated with the primary emotion.
What happened?
Now it’s time to review what actually happened. In some cases, you aren’t aware of what specific event led to feeling activated. If this is true, you’ll need to trace back to the first moment you felt this way and review what was going on at the time. If you are aware of a certain interaction or event that precipitated the activation, start there.
Write out the events leading up to becoming activated as if you’re describing a scene from a movie. What did you observe with your five senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste? Who was involved? What were the exact words said (as much as you can approximate)?
How did I interpret what happened?
Have you ever seen an image of Rubin’s vase? Depending on your perspective, you’ll see a different picture. If you’re looking at the white portion of the image, you’ll see a vase. If you focus on the black side, you’ll see two faces in profile.
The same is true of events that cause this activating response. Your thoughts and interpretations about the events are going to be influenced by your perspective and unique experience. I appreciate phrasing this question as “what did I make up about this?” As coined by Pia Mellody, this question helps identify that what you observed and what you think about it aren’t the same thing.
Has a boundary been crossed?
Anger in response to activation can be an indicator that a boundary line has been crossed. That boundary line might be crossed by the other person, or it can be crossed by you.
Let me explain what I mean. It’s easy to see when a boundary line is crossed by someone else. You’ve made an agreement or said no, but it isn’t respected. If that’s the case, identify where the boundary line has been crossed and communicate that boundary directly. Clarify what you will do in response if that boundary line is crossed again to take care of yourself. In some cases, you may not need to say this directly at all – you may simply need to change how you respond in the future.
On the other hand, you might be crossing a boundary line on your own. Each individuals’ thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs are his or her own responsibility. If I am trying to take responsibility for controlling or changing someone else’s thoughts, emotions, actions and beliefs, then I am crossing a boundary line. Or vice versa: if I am blaming someone else for how I am thinking, feeling, or behaving, that’s a boundary violation. I’m shifting the blame to them as opposed to taking responsibility for my own reaction. In this case, the next step is to redirect your attention to something you can control: in this case, your own thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs.
What do I need?
Reflect on what you wish would have happened in this situation instead. Connect to the previous traumatic experiences you’ve had where you’ve felt similarly (even as far back as childhood) and identify what needs you had then that weren’t met. Do you need a stronger boundary? Do you need to practice self-care? Do you need to make a request or another individual involved for clarification or support?
Once you’ve figured out these needs, identify how you can meet that need through what you can control. You aren’t able to force another person to do what you want them to do, but you can request help or support from a spouse or friends. You can change your own behavior to meet needs in healthy ways.
How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?
Usually the experience of getting activated is enough to send you into a tailspin. At this point, you might need to do some damage control self-care to calm your emotions and enter back into your window of tolerance.
Note that, when I’m talking self-care, I’m not referring to the type of “self-care” as ladies night with wine and binge-eating chocolate. I mean actually taking care of your needs in a healthy way, even if it challenges you to do something you don’t feel like doing. For example, if you realize part of what led to you being activated was being hungry and having low blood sugar, self-care involves eating something nourishing and nutritious to help balance that out. When I’ve been sitting around all day, I know I’m more likely to be irritable. Taking action to go outside for a walk or complete a productive task is self-care in this situation, as it shifts my mood.
An Example
Let’s take the scenario at the top of this article and apply these questions to see what we learn.
What is going on in your body? You feel heat in your cheeks and adrenaline coursing through your veins. Your stomach and chest feel tight. Your muscles feel tense.
What emotion are you feeling? Anger, fear, hurt
What happened? My husband communicated he would arrive home at 6pm but he did not arrive back until 7:30pm. When he came in the door, he apologized for his lateness and explained that the flight had been delayed and he was unable to contact me to tell me.
How did I interpret what happened? At about 6:20, I started to panic. The story I made up was that he stopped by the strip club or one of his former affair partners’ homes on the way back from the airport and that was why he was late.
Has a boundary been crossed? We earlier agreed that if there were any change in travel plans, he would communicate those to me. He could have sent a text or email to let me know it was delayed. At the same time, I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions, and my reaction in our argument crossed a boundary line.
What do I need? From him, I need commitment to clear communication about his travel plans. From myself, I need grounding in the present and regulation of my emotions so I can see what’s true.
How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated? I can ask directly for my spouse to re-commit to the boundary that we originally set. I can call a friend and process my emotions with her. I can spend time journaling or praying to practice emotional self-care.
