Surrender to the Process: Task 3 in Carnes’ 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

A common struggle for addicts entering recovery is the tug-of-war of their desires: wanting to stop acting out while still feeling a pull toward addictive behaviors.  Early in recovery, there’s often an expectation from yourself or from a spouse or loved one to change instantaneously.  And at the beginning, that can feel possible: after discovery or disclosure of addiction, you might have an immediate sense of disgust or distaste for the addiction that fuels sobriety. But with time, that initial emotional response subsides, and the addiction can easily come back when the underlying roots of the problem are still hidden.

One of these underlying roots is a sense of control: a belief that you can force yourself to stop your addictive behaviors, you are in control of your own recovery, and you can pick and choose what you do to get better.  Notice, however, that one of the hallmarks of addiction is repeated attempts to stop without success.  Often early attempts to stop are half-hearted, done in isolation, or not informed by recovery principles. 

The momentary willingness that comes after disclosure or discovery will not turn into long-term sobriety unless there is a recognition that past attempts to control don’t work.  Unless there is a true surrender of control, change will not last.

Surrender to the Process vs. Attempts to Control

What is Surrender?

Surrender is a recognition of the reality that you do not have the power to get better from your addiction on your own or by manipulating or controlling your recovery.  This ties into 12 Step work and breaking through denial as you recognize your own powerlessness and unmanageability.

Surrender acknowledges that the attempts you’ve made to change have been futile.  Often, this is because they are done by yourself without the support or accountability of others.  Or because you approach recovery in a piecemeal fashion, only choosing to do some things and leaving behind necessary tasks for your recovery that stir up discomfort.  Or you may be still on the fence about recovery in general.

What is Control?

Control happens when we believe that we are not powerless and that we can do the work of recovery on our own.  This often leads to white-knuckling, a term that refers to forcing yourself to stop acting out behaviors by sheer willpower.  The term “dry drunk” refers to someone who may not be acting out in their addiction, but hasn’t addressed the underlying root causes of the addiction to create lasting, holistic life change because they are still seeking control. 

Control can be obvious, as in some of the examples above, but it can also show up in subtle ways.  When you are only doing some of the work of recovery and ignoring putting into practice that which makes you feel uncomfortable, you are exercising your own control.  Control shows up in comparing yourself to others in recovery, seeing yourself as better or more capable than them.  Thoughts like “if I just do better, then it will all be fine,” are denial statements that foster this sense of control, but then lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, or self-hatred when you cannot follow through on change.  Another indicator is a lack of willingness to rely on others for support or help through the process, meaning you aren’t attending meetings, don’t have a sponsor, and have no accountability with other group members.

Characteristics of Surrender

Surrender requires you to be uncomfortable.  When you’re surrendering to the process of recovery, you will feel discomfort with some of what you are tasked to do.  You might not like some of the early restrictions or accountability you need to put in place, like an internet blocker, location tracking app, or daily accountability with a sponsor.  But remember that picking and choosing what you feel comfortable with in recovery is a setup for slips and relapse.

Surrender releases anxiety to experience peace.  When you are attempting to stay in control, you put incredible pressure on yourself to change on your own, followed by devastating shame when you inevitably fail.  If you choose to surrender to the process, you can experience the peace of knowing that you aren’t alone and help is available. 

Surrender requires that you say no.  You will need to learn what your limits are in recovery.   We like to think that we can do everything we want and resist temptation to act out in addiction, but this isn’t true. One of the ways denial perpetuates addiction is to tell you that you should “test your strength” or “test your resolve” by putting yourself in risky situations. But this is another form of ritual and preparation for acting out.  You need to identify appropriate boundaries and restrictions early on to set yourself up for success.  Addicts are notoriously bad at boundaries – that’s part of the addiction – so surrendering to boundaries that others help you identify or that have been tenets of the 12 Step recovery process are necessary. 

The Spiritual Nature of Surrender

If we can’t do recovery on our own, then what does that mean? Who can do it for us?

Surrender is a spiritual discipline.  Recognizing the role of God in this process is essential.  In 12 Step, incorporating God or your Higher Power involves recognizing something bigger than yourself that is guiding you toward health, because your self isn’t cutting it.  Step Two and Step Three of the 12 Step program dig into this exploration in more detail. 

Surrender to God or a Higher Power can be a tricky endeavor for those whose views of God are complicated, who have difficulty trusting in God, or who don’t believe God has the power to create change.  These roadblocks are worth working out in the context of your 12 Step group or with your sponsor.  At the bare minimum, believing that there is something outside of yourself that will guide you through recovery, even if it is as simple as the 12 Step process or your work with a sponsor, gives you a good place to start.

Practical Steps for Task 3

Ask for help.

The easiest way to recognize surrender in someone is their willingness to no longer tackle the addiction on their own, but to actively seek out help from others.  This can come in the form of joining a 12 Step group, therapy group, support group, or going to counseling.  Take it a step further by connecting with a sponsor or other group members for contact outside of the group.  Recognize that asking for help requires vulnerability and openness: you need to share the realities of your addiction openly with someone rather than offering partial information.

Identify your Higher Power.

This can be the God of the Bible if you are a Christian believer, or can have a foundation from your religious background.  If you chafe at the idea of religion, you may choose the 12 Step group, people who have gone before you in recovery, recovery itself, or a particular value you hold like love or compassion.  Again, seek to identify something bigger than yourself and have conversations with others in the program to open yourself up to faith and be curious about this process. 

Name denial-based roadblocks.

Denial in your thoughts can be a major factor that keeps you in control and prevents you from offering full surrender.  When you look at the subtle types of control listed above, do you identify with any of them?  Make a list of the denial statements that are most common to you that fuel these attempts to control.  They can include thoughts like, “I don’t need to do that,” “I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “other people might need 12 Step, but I don’t.” 

Now consider: what have you tried before in terms of your recovery?  How successful was it?  Is your denial telling you the truth or not?  Look also at what beliefs might be causing you to resist placing trust in your Higher Power or in the support of others.

Grieve the losses associated with surrender.

Surrendering addiction is hard, often because it can feel like you’re giving up the only coping mechanism you have available when stress or other painful emotions arise.  There are aspects of addiction that were appealing or pleasurable to you, and you will need to let go of them.  It also may require you to let go of the belief that you are in control or that you are capable of stopping on your own.  Surrender is a process of letting go.

Remind yourself of your commitment.

When you choose to surrender, it is not a one-and-done moment.  Surrender is a daily practice.  Repeatedly remember your commitment to surrender through a daily reminder, as with a spiritual practice like prayer, journaling, or meditation.  You might choose a mantra or repeated phrase like, “I can’t, but God can,” or “I choose to surrender to the process of recovery.”  Use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Regularly reinforce this commitment through the support of a church or religious community.

Invite others to help with boundary-setting.

As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding and implementation of healthy boundaries is a characteristic of addiction.  Recovery requires going back to basics with boundaries.  Sit down with your sponsor and talk about your limits and what you should say no to in early recovery, even if you don’t want to.  Get specific and honest here about what you truly need.  Your sponsor will help you explore which triggers are in your control and those you can’t control to help you adapt your boundaries accordingly.  Talk to others in your group with similar acting out behaviors about what boundaries they found effective in early recovery and choose to adopt some of theirs if they strike a chord in you.  Read stories of those who have been successful in recovery, many of which can be found in the foundational text of your 12 Step fellowship, and imitate some of the changes they made if they are relevant to you.

Taking Courage Through the Storms of Life: A Reflection on the TED Connects Talk by Elizabeth Gilbert

If you’re reading this article in real-time, we’re all learning how to manage emotions through a major, unprecedented, global crisis in COVID-19.  We’re all being affected in some way, even though those specific patterns look different from person to person. 

Yet many of us will, at some point in our lives, walk through our own personal crises or traumas.  The loss of a job.  The betrayal of a spouse or partner.  The death of a loved one.  

Elizabeth Gilbert, author and creative thinker, recently was featured on an episode of TED Connects processing responses to the COVID-19 crisis.  In her talk, she shares reflections on emotional impact of this crisis and ways to shift thinking and behavior in order to offer more compassion and grace for ourselves.  While the principles in this video fit the crisis we’re facing collectively right now, they also shed have universal principles for personal crises you may face.

Here are a few of the key takeaways I gathered from listening to this talk.

Anxiety

Gilbert encourages us to give ourselves mercy and compassion for any emotions we experience through this crisis.  When we realize that our experience is normal and that everyone is going through or would go through some version of this same response, it helps take some of the pressure off to have it all together.  When you’re in a personal crisis, finding a grief or support group or talking with someone who’s been through this crisis before can be a great help, as it hits home that you aren’t alone and others understand what you’re going through.

Recognizing your resilience is another component she shares that will help you have confidence to make it through your crisis.  Reflect on past experiences that have been challenging or painful. Remind yourself of how you made it through and what allowed you to do so.  Review this list when you find yourself struggling to maintain compassion or courage despite the crisis.

Practicing presence and gratitude are also important.  Instead of numbing out or trying to escape, pay attention to the emotions you’re experiencing in the present, even if they’re uncomfortable.  Notice the things that you have in your life that you are grateful for. Make lists and speak these words of appreciation out loud.

She also highlights the myth of control: anxiety comes out of believing that we’re in control of our lives, when in reality we have little to no control over our circumstances.  We are only in control of our own actions, beliefs, thoughts, and choices.  When you surrender control, you’re allowing yourself to be released from the burden of anxiety and the myth that you can be in control of your circumstance.

“Surrender means letting go of something you never even had.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Loneliness

Living through a crisis can be an inherently isolating experience, and you likely have to cope with loneliness in a new way.  Notice your tendencies toward escaping or avoiding and how the crisis may have removed some of those coping mechanisms.  Recognize the ways your behaviors function as a way for you to withdraw from painful emotions.  Consider exploring negative emotions that arise, journaling through them, asking yourself what you fear and what you run from. 

Use this crisis as a way to get to know your mind and practice shifting your thinking.  You might notice more self-doubt, criticism, judgment, or fear.  Take inventory of your self-defeating thoughts so you can recognize them when they arise and begin to fact-check them with reality.  Just like focusing more on gratitude, this mindset shift requires intentional action.  You can literally change structures in your brain as you begin to make these shifts.

“The hardest person in the entire world to be with is yourself.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Productivity and Creating

While discussing creativity during a crisis, Gilbert references the fact that she prefers following “curiosity” rather than purpose and passion.  What might change in your life if you focused more on following your curiosity? Rather than focusing on what you “should” be doing, consider what you’re curious about and move toward that. 

Recognize that anxiety and fear stifle your ability to be productive or creative as well.  The content you consume impacts your mind and your capacity to focus.  Instead of trying to shame or beat yourself up into being more productive, release those “shoulds” and give yourself more freedom.

She also suggests reframing the crisis as a retreat, or a stimulus for learning.  She suggests doing what you used to do as a child, returning to play, as a way of coping with the difficult emotions that arise and awakening greater creativity within yourself.

A Note on Spirituality

Much of what Elizabeth shares in this TED talk is interwoven with her spiritual understanding.  While I disagree with the foundations of her spirituality, I think she offers concepts that can be adapted to a Christian worldview and can lead you to take a more grace-filled approach toward yourself in a season of crisis.  If you also share Christian beliefs, I encourage you to consider how some of the following ideas may help you.

Write a letter to yourself from God.

Near the end of the video, Elizabeth shares a practice that she engages in daily where she writes a letter to herself from “love.”  As I listened to her read her example letter aloud, I realized that the words “love” was saying to her were strikingly similar to how God speaks and comforts His people – phrases such as, “I’m with you.”  “I’ve got this.”  “You are my beloved.”  The connection between these words of love and God comes through the understanding that God is love (1 John 4:16) and that His perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).

How might you write a letter to yourself from the point of view of God, who loves you unconditionally (Romans 8:35-39) and has promised to be with you forever (Matthew 28:20)? What would God say to you in your current circumstance, in your pain, in your struggle?  If you struggle to hear God’s voice as a voice of love, start out by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and replace the word “love” with “God.”  If God is all of the things listed in that passage, how might he speak to you? 

Surrender control through prayer.

As mentioned earlier, releasing anxiety involves recognizing that you never had control in the first place.  We are not in control, but God is (Colossians 1:16-17).  When you recognize your powerlessness over your circumstance, you can use prayer as a way to remind yourself of this fact.  Refocusing on prayer helps us to come back to God and surrender to Him what we cannot control. 

I reference the Serenity prayer often because I think its simple structure provides a framework for releasing control and seeking wisdom.  It goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Listen to the Holy Spirit.

In the talk, Elizabeth shares a story about a woman who became dangerously lost on a hike.   She offered up a prayer of surrender when she realized she was in trouble and felt led by her intuition to act in a way that would preserve her safety.  This reminded me of the importance of asking for wisdom and guidance from God (James 1:5) and being open to the Holy Spirit’s direction and leading (John 16).  Of course, it is important to compare where we feel led by the Spirit to Scriptural truth to determine its validity, but it was a helpful reminder to listen to where God is leading rather than trying to figure it all out on our own.

Releasing the Shoulds: Freeing Yourself of Impossibly High Standards So You Can Live

Do you feel a vague sense of guilt when you fail or make mistakes?  Have you been described as a perfectionist or a type A person?  Many of us, particularly if we grew up in an environment with high expectations, have learned a certain set of standards around our behavior that can feel overwhelming to maintain.

Sometimes, we hold those same standards for others.  When we are disappointed by a friend or family member who lets us down or fails to meet our expectations, we are angry at them.  If they don’t read our minds and know what we need, it causes an argument.  We become overly critical of family and friends, gossiping about others, or feeling bitterness and resentment that build to a breaking point.

Or we may want our circumstances to be perfect and are crushed when they don’t work out the way we think they should.  There are so many factors outside our control: jobs, family, others’ choices, natural disasters, or even positive experiences – you name it.  When our circumstances don’t fit into our perfect mold, how do we then respond?  Are we able to adapt or do we feel cheated out of the way things “should” have been?

If any of the above experiences sound like you, it might be time to take a look at the “shoulds” you’re carrying around and how they’re working (or likely, not working) for you.

Recognizing the Shoulds

Identify the areas where you feel a sense of “should.”

It can be as easy as listening to your self-talk and identifying where you hear the word “should.”  I should, I have to, I ought to, I must…do any of these words populate your vocabulary?  In what situations do you say those words to yourself in your mind? 

Pay attention to your emotions, particularly shame and fear.

Maybe it’s not so clear to you in which situations you feel pressure to meet a standard.  In that case, recognizing shame can help.  First, identify what shame feels like in your body.  Red cheeks, a knot in your stomach, a desire to run and hide?  Think about a circumstance when you’ve felt shame in the past.  What were the words running through your mind?

Similarly, fear can be an indicator that you’re responding to a perceived set of “shoulds.”  If you’re afraid of what others think of you, even if it’s just in one particular area like work, ask yourself where you learned to fear their opinion. Connect it back to previous experiences where you may have felt fear about the opinions of others.

Look at what bothers you most about other people.

When you pinpoint the areas where you’re most critical of others, ask yourself if you can relate to their struggles in any way.  In the Bible, when Jesus speaks of judging others, he says, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)  Often the behaviors we criticize in others are areas in which we are imperfect or insecure ourselves.

Look at where you’re most likely to criticize others and see if you can relate to their struggles.  You may not be dealing with the issue exactly the way they are handling it, but your response might hint at a “should.”  For example, if I believe others “should” respond to my emails within a few hours of receiving them, it might be worthwhile to check my own habits for responding to emails.  If I do respond quickly, I might identify how that “should” has been affecting my stress levels and mood.

What happens if I don’t do what I “should” do?  What type of person would that make me?  Do I have a rigid expectation of myself here?  Is there space for me to receive or extend grace and understanding to myself or others? 

See where you’re jealous of others.

Another insight from criticism involves recognizing if you want something others have.  You might compare your life to theirs, thinking, “I wish I could do what they’re doing.”  For example, criticizing someone for taking an afternoon off work to attend a child’s sporting event might hint that you have a rigid expectation that you can’t leave the office to do something similar.  Explore what you believe you can’t or “don’t have permission to” do that others can do, and see if that’s based in any “shoulds.”

Releasing the Shoulds

“Okay great, but now what?”  It might have been easy for you to figure out what “shoulds” drive your life, but despite your knowledge of them, you haven’t been able to shake them.  They feel like a constant chorus that echoes through your mind and weighs you down.  Try some of the following steps to let go of those expectations of yourself and release the pressure.

Identify what’s in your control and what’s not in your control.

You have control over your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.  You cannot control the thoughts, emotions, choices, and beliefs of others.  There are some life circumstances you have control over and others you don’t.  When you clarify if you are truly in control of your situation, you may be able to release unrealistic expectations you have on yourself.

This can also help you realize that you aren’t the only one responsible or in control of caring for others.  When your “shoulds” take on a tone of responsibility for others (“If I don’t help them/fill this volunteer role/work the extra hours, then who will?”), recognizing that you aren’t the only one who can take action can release you from the pressure to help.  You may still have some influence, but there are other people or circumstances that may carry responsibility in the lives of the ones you help.

Separate “perfect” from “good.”

Perfectionism often drives these “should” statements, and a hallmark of perfectionism is the belief that perfect and good are the same thing.  In other words, if I don’t do this perfectly, it is bad.  In order for something to be good, it has to be perfect. 

This requires some deconstructing and redefining “good and “perfect”.  Reframe your beliefs to see that things can be good even if they aren’t perfect.  Look for examples where what you’ve produced hasn’t been perfect, but it has been good.  Search for ways in which “good enough” has been good, even when it hasn’t met your unrealistic, high expectations.

Ask yourself what you think will happen if you fail.

What would you believe about yourself if you were to fail or make mistakes in this area?  You might end up uncovering a deeper core belief about yourself that’s driving your “should” responses.  For example, you might believe that if you don’t live up to these high standards you’ll be rejected and unloved.

If you already have these underlying beliefs, no amount of perfection will fix the beliefs.  Until you recognize the origins of the belief and do the work to dismantle it, you won’t be able to let go.

Pretend like you’re talking to a friend.

For many of us, we would never talk to our friends the way that we talk to ourselves.  The amount of negativity and self-criticism that makes up the majority of our self-talk would leave us friendless if we used those words on other people.

Imagine you are having a conversation with a friend who told you about all the “should” statements they were wrestling with.  What might you stay to them in response?  What realistic expectations to you hold for them that you might not hold for yourself? 

Let yourself “break the rules” and see what happens.

When you’ve lived by a rule of “shoulds” your whole life, letting loose and breaking the rules feels like a big no-no.  Give this a try: intentionally set out to do the opposite of what the “shoulds” say to do.  Then observe what happens.  Do you fail? Are your fears confirmed? 

In many cases, what you learn is that breaking the rules doesn’t kill you, nor does it leave you rejected and abandoned.  The worst-case scenario that held you back is discredited. 

To be fair, in some situations you may experience responses that seem to confirm your beliefs.  In this case, learn from those experiences.  Pay attention to your emotional response and self-talk, and be aware of when you’ve felt that way before.  If you can pinpoint earlier experiences similar to this one, that’s a hint at the origins of the high standard you keep.

Doing the work of “releasing the shoulds” is difficult, but it is absolutely worth it.  The relief you’ll feel at letting go of the crushing weight of pressure that you put on yourself will free you up to live your life more authentically.  It will improve your relationships as you drop the criticism and gain more empathy and understanding for others.