Putting Kindness into Practice When Recovering from Trauma

If you’ve experienced a traumatic event, whether a “Big T” trauma (like a natural disaster) or a “small t” trauma (like prolonged bullying in a toxic workplace), you’ve probably felt some negative aftereffects.  In some cases, you might have had heightened anxiety for a few weeks, but it resolved when the disaster passed.  But for others, it’s possible to find yourself dealing with reminders or fear for months or years afterward.

In the case of childhood trauma, past abuse, or sexual assault, these effects may be more hidden. You could notice strange or unusual behavior and not even link it to those past experiences, because you believe you’ve gotten over them or moved past them.  Typically reminders of these events exist deep under the surface and stir up emotions or physical responses that seem to have no cause. 

For many partners recovering from betrayal trauma, you’re still living in the reality of the trauma.  Your spouse may be in recovery, but that process takes time, so it can feel as though the trauma isn’t over.  It’s like you’re living in the house being affected by the natural disaster: sometimes it seems like everything is okay, and then another wave of pain washes over you as you find out about a slip or relapse.  This “present trauma” effect can happen also for those who are in toxic or harmful situations without an easy way out.

How Trauma Affects Your Emotions and Self-Talk

One of the hallmarks of trauma is a tendency to minimize or question the impact of that trauma on yourself.  Many survivors of trauma have thought, “My experience wasn’t so bad.  Not as bad as so-and-so had it.”  More than that, depression can be an aftereffect of trauma, fueled by negative, self-defeating self-talk.  You might feel doubt about the trauma itself and your own role and responsibility within it, which affects your sense of self-worth.

This unique combination of minimizing your own experience, thinking negatively about yourself, and doubting your own perspective can lead to destructive self-criticism and self-hatred that derail your path to recovery from trauma.

Symptoms of Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress

In your story of trauma, you may be dealing with some or several of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  These symptoms are worsened when you’re still experiencing the trauma, as with betrayal trauma discussed above.  Those symptoms include:

• Intrusive memories of the traumatic event

• Flashbacks (re-experiencing the memory of the trauma as if you were still there)

• Nightmares

• Avoidance of people, places, and things that remind you of the trauma

• Insomnia/difficulty falling asleep

• Exaggerated startle response (jumping at things more easily, being on edge)

• Hypervigilance (being extra aware of your surroundings and anticipating danger)

• Irritability

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Memory lapses related to the traumatic event

• Chronic negative beliefs about yourself, others, or the world

• Lack of interest in things you used to enjoy

• Distorted self-blame or blame of others about the event

• Intense emotional surges (fear, horror, guilt, anger, shame)

• Feeling isolated or withdrawn from others

• Inability to experience positive emotions

• Self-destructive behaviors

• Lack of ability to focus or concentrate

Why Kindness is Important in Trauma Recovery

If you relate to any of the symptoms listed above in relation to your trauma, my guess is that you also have expressed unkindness toward yourself.  Some of the symptoms directly create that self-hatred: having a negative view of yourself, feelings of self-blame, and shame associated with the events.  Other symptoms can be frustrating and lead to self-criticism, like insomnia, irritability, flashbacks, and nightmares.

For some, the person you were before the trauma happened and the person you are now feel drastically different from one another, and you long to go back to where you were before.  Or, if the trauma occurred when you were young, you long to be “normal” and not have such intense, symptomatic response to triggers of the trauma.

I cannot overemphasize the power and necessity of good psychotherapy if you are dealing with PTSD.  At the same time, learning to approach yourself with kindness while you are healing from trauma is essential. Healing from trauma takes time, and it can be a tiring process. You need an extra dose of kindness to move forward through it.

How to Practice Kindness

Call it what it is.

Stop minimizing your experience and let yourself name it what it is: trauma.  Naming the experience as trauma can give you more of a sense of understanding and peace, as you know that there is an explanation for your symptoms, as well as proven treatments to help you process and learn to cope.

Research the impact of “small t” traumas and acknowledge that they can have just as significant of an effect as a major, “big T” trauma. In fact, sometimes the chronic nature of “small t” traumas can make them harder to move past, as they create ingrained patterns of thought and behavior that need more work to change.

Offer yourself grace and understanding for your symptoms.

Rather than becoming annoyed with yourself for experiencing the very real symptoms of trauma, learn about what they are and acknowledge that is what is happening when you feel them.  Then, when you have symptoms, you’ll know why they’re happening, which can offer a sense of relief. 

When you know your emotional response is tied to trauma, it can also give you more clarity on how to best care for yourself within it. Putting your emotions in the correct context helps you not to feel crazy and reminds you to rely on coping strategies specific to trauma.

Affirm your resilience in surviving the trauma.

Recognize that you made it through whatever traumatic event occurred to you, and (in most cases) it is over now.  If it isn’t fully over, as in the case of betrayal trauma, recognize what you’ve made it through so far and the strength it’s taken to get there. 

Honor what you did to survive, even if it wasn’t the healthiest choice.  Some of your responses to trauma may feel crazy or irrational, but often they are motivated by a legitimate desire for safety or security, particularly after experiencing such an unsettling event.  Consider the root of some of these responses and offer understanding to yourself of why you responded in this way.

Give yourself what you need.

If you’re managing the aftereffects of childhood trauma, ask yourself what you needed then.  Was it someone to listen to you?  A safe place to go when you felt afraid?  A sense of comfort? If you’re still coping with the trauma, ask yourself what you need now.  Healthy distraction? Connection with your recovery community? Rest and nutrition?

Then do it: give yourself the space for extra comfort or care as a result of the reminder of the trauma.  Connect with loved ones or give yourself space and alone time, whichever feels more authentic to your needs.  Practice grounding through deep, mindful breathing or connecting with your five senses.  Practice sensory self-soothing behaviors like taking a bath, putting on warm and cozy clothes, smelling a scented candle or essential oils, or eating a comforting meal.

Use kind words to talk to yourself.

Rather than self-defeating or destructive thoughts you might be used to, consider positive coping thoughts you might use to support you.  Put today’s experience in the context of the bigger picture: you’re working your way through trauma, and it isn’t over yet.

Our words have power. Choose words that remind you of resilience and empowerment rather than hopelessness and helplessness within your response to trauma. Remember your unique character qualities that are supporting you through this crisis.

Practice kindness toward others.

Sometimes the most helpful way for us to move through our own traumatic experiences is to find mutual support through places like support groups, advocacy organizations, or volunteering opportunities.  Find a way that you can love and support others who are going through something similar to you.  If the trauma still feels too fresh, it may be helpful to find a place where you can volunteer or help others that has nothing to do with your area of trauma.  Offering help to others can promote a sense of gratitude and love that brings you out of the all-consuming nature of your trauma experience.

Taking Courage Through the Storms of Life: A Reflection on the TED Connects Talk by Elizabeth Gilbert

If you’re reading this article in real-time, we’re all learning how to manage emotions through a major, unprecedented, global crisis in COVID-19.  We’re all being affected in some way, even though those specific patterns look different from person to person. 

Yet many of us will, at some point in our lives, walk through our own personal crises or traumas.  The loss of a job.  The betrayal of a spouse or partner.  The death of a loved one.  

Elizabeth Gilbert, author and creative thinker, recently was featured on an episode of TED Connects processing responses to the COVID-19 crisis.  In her talk, she shares reflections on emotional impact of this crisis and ways to shift thinking and behavior in order to offer more compassion and grace for ourselves.  While the principles in this video fit the crisis we’re facing collectively right now, they also shed have universal principles for personal crises you may face.

Here are a few of the key takeaways I gathered from listening to this talk.

Anxiety

Gilbert encourages us to give ourselves mercy and compassion for any emotions we experience through this crisis.  When we realize that our experience is normal and that everyone is going through or would go through some version of this same response, it helps take some of the pressure off to have it all together.  When you’re in a personal crisis, finding a grief or support group or talking with someone who’s been through this crisis before can be a great help, as it hits home that you aren’t alone and others understand what you’re going through.

Recognizing your resilience is another component she shares that will help you have confidence to make it through your crisis.  Reflect on past experiences that have been challenging or painful. Remind yourself of how you made it through and what allowed you to do so.  Review this list when you find yourself struggling to maintain compassion or courage despite the crisis.

Practicing presence and gratitude are also important.  Instead of numbing out or trying to escape, pay attention to the emotions you’re experiencing in the present, even if they’re uncomfortable.  Notice the things that you have in your life that you are grateful for. Make lists and speak these words of appreciation out loud.

She also highlights the myth of control: anxiety comes out of believing that we’re in control of our lives, when in reality we have little to no control over our circumstances.  We are only in control of our own actions, beliefs, thoughts, and choices.  When you surrender control, you’re allowing yourself to be released from the burden of anxiety and the myth that you can be in control of your circumstance.

“Surrender means letting go of something you never even had.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Loneliness

Living through a crisis can be an inherently isolating experience, and you likely have to cope with loneliness in a new way.  Notice your tendencies toward escaping or avoiding and how the crisis may have removed some of those coping mechanisms.  Recognize the ways your behaviors function as a way for you to withdraw from painful emotions.  Consider exploring negative emotions that arise, journaling through them, asking yourself what you fear and what you run from. 

Use this crisis as a way to get to know your mind and practice shifting your thinking.  You might notice more self-doubt, criticism, judgment, or fear.  Take inventory of your self-defeating thoughts so you can recognize them when they arise and begin to fact-check them with reality.  Just like focusing more on gratitude, this mindset shift requires intentional action.  You can literally change structures in your brain as you begin to make these shifts.

“The hardest person in the entire world to be with is yourself.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Productivity and Creating

While discussing creativity during a crisis, Gilbert references the fact that she prefers following “curiosity” rather than purpose and passion.  What might change in your life if you focused more on following your curiosity? Rather than focusing on what you “should” be doing, consider what you’re curious about and move toward that. 

Recognize that anxiety and fear stifle your ability to be productive or creative as well.  The content you consume impacts your mind and your capacity to focus.  Instead of trying to shame or beat yourself up into being more productive, release those “shoulds” and give yourself more freedom.

She also suggests reframing the crisis as a retreat, or a stimulus for learning.  She suggests doing what you used to do as a child, returning to play, as a way of coping with the difficult emotions that arise and awakening greater creativity within yourself.

A Note on Spirituality

Much of what Elizabeth shares in this TED talk is interwoven with her spiritual understanding.  While I disagree with the foundations of her spirituality, I think she offers concepts that can be adapted to a Christian worldview and can lead you to take a more grace-filled approach toward yourself in a season of crisis.  If you also share Christian beliefs, I encourage you to consider how some of the following ideas may help you.

Write a letter to yourself from God.

Near the end of the video, Elizabeth shares a practice that she engages in daily where she writes a letter to herself from “love.”  As I listened to her read her example letter aloud, I realized that the words “love” was saying to her were strikingly similar to how God speaks and comforts His people – phrases such as, “I’m with you.”  “I’ve got this.”  “You are my beloved.”  The connection between these words of love and God comes through the understanding that God is love (1 John 4:16) and that His perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).

How might you write a letter to yourself from the point of view of God, who loves you unconditionally (Romans 8:35-39) and has promised to be with you forever (Matthew 28:20)? What would God say to you in your current circumstance, in your pain, in your struggle?  If you struggle to hear God’s voice as a voice of love, start out by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and replace the word “love” with “God.”  If God is all of the things listed in that passage, how might he speak to you? 

Surrender control through prayer.

As mentioned earlier, releasing anxiety involves recognizing that you never had control in the first place.  We are not in control, but God is (Colossians 1:16-17).  When you recognize your powerlessness over your circumstance, you can use prayer as a way to remind yourself of this fact.  Refocusing on prayer helps us to come back to God and surrender to Him what we cannot control. 

I reference the Serenity prayer often because I think its simple structure provides a framework for releasing control and seeking wisdom.  It goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Listen to the Holy Spirit.

In the talk, Elizabeth shares a story about a woman who became dangerously lost on a hike.   She offered up a prayer of surrender when she realized she was in trouble and felt led by her intuition to act in a way that would preserve her safety.  This reminded me of the importance of asking for wisdom and guidance from God (James 1:5) and being open to the Holy Spirit’s direction and leading (John 16).  Of course, it is important to compare where we feel led by the Spirit to Scriptural truth to determine its validity, but it was a helpful reminder to listen to where God is leading rather than trying to figure it all out on our own.

Breaking Through Destructive Beliefs: How Discovering Your True Identity Transforms Recovery

Have you ever done an exercise where you’re asked to write down 10-20 adjectives that describe who you are?  This task can stir up all kinds of emotions.  Maybe it’s relatively easy for you to come up with several descriptors.  For me, I usually run out of ideas after about five or six. 

But what if the words that immediately come to mind are so negative and critical that you would never speak them aloud to someone? 

Often those hidden, negative words we wouldn’t say aloud cut to the core of who we are. These words embody the messages of shame that we either inflict upon ourselves or that we hear from others.   When we name ourselves with these words, we give them power.   

What are some of the negative labels that you apply to yourself?

For the female sex and love addict, there are plenty of labels that echo through her mind.  Whore.  Slut.  Dirty.  Easy.  Needy.  Too much.  Not enough.  These words give a glimpse of her low self-esteem with feelings of little value or worth.

For the addict, condemning herself can feel good.  Hatred toward herself or others can mask the shame that she feels.  If she can become angry at the behaviors in herself or at other people who practice them, maybe then she can force herself to stop.  Unfortunately, all the negative words she uses as a way of trying to motivate change in herself only increase her shame.  Since shame is one of the primary motivators of addictive behavior, she may instead cope with the pain by acting out more.

These shame-filled messages only increase the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and longing that drew her to the addictive behaviors in the first place.  They echo stories of trauma and pain from her past. Addictive behaviors provide a temporary relief, but they don’t solve the problem at the root: the issue of identity.

What are we to do about this?

Instead of using condemning labels and heaping shame on yourself, take a closer look at your identity.  Exploring and establishing a strong sense of personal identity is not work that can happen overnight.  It is a gradual process that is steeped in self-care, relationships, and substantial shifts in your way of thinking about yourself and others.  But If you rest in a true and authentic understanding of who you are, you are much less likely to act in ways that contradict that identity.

Here are some ways to explore your identity and have a more accurate assessment of your self-worth:

• Practice nurturing yourself. If you’ve experienced any level of trauma or pain in your childhood, you’ve likely learned ways of coping or surviving that are more destructive than helpful. Begin to practice healthy ways of coping and self-care.

• Identify what you need. Addictive behavior often stems out of a legitimate desire that either wasn’t met in childhood or earlier experiences, or that you’re feeling now. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” and look for opportunities to meet that need.

• Speak words of kindness to your vulnerable self. In the moments when you feel the weakest and in pain, your tendency may be to heap more shame upon yourself. Instead, speak to yourself with words of love and kindness.

• Make a record of your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for accomplishments – no matter how small – can uplift your self-esteem and help clarify what’s important to you. This can pave the way for identifying areas of purpose and value in your life.

• Spend time with a close friend or loved one. The people we are closest to can affirm positive aspects of ourselves to which we are blind. Ask them to name the positive qualities they see in you.

• Spend time with God or reading the Bible. As Christians, our identity is founded in Christ. When you feel desolate and alone, reflect on God’s love and grace toward you, and become more firmly rooted in how He defines you as created in His image.

As you begin to explore your identity, you’ll develop a greater understanding of who you are, what makes you feel alive, and what gives you a sense of security and confidence in yourself.  My hope for you is to remind yourself of your true identity daily.  Make a collage of these words.  Write them down.  Place these words somewhere prominent so you can see them each and every day.   Be encouraged by these reminders when the messages of shame begin to grow.

This article was originally posted on July 27, 2017.

How to Brighten Cloudy Days: Dealing with Depression

Have you ever had those days where nothing seems to go right?  I had one recently.  I woke up early one morning with full intention to do some work-related writing.  Instead of starting work right away, I spent an hour on my iPhone playing games and reading articles on Pinterest.  When I finally did get up to start my day, I sat down at my computer and got distracted by more articles on Pinterest and in blogs.  Once I finally forced myself to write, I was only able to finish an outline for an article before I felt discouraged and “needed a break.”

I felt disappointed in myself that morning, as I couldn’t check much off my to-do list.  As I moved on to the rest of my day, I thought to myself – how in the world do I cheer up after this?

Here’s a few thoughts that came to mind for ways to boost my mood.

Listen to Upbeat Music

True confession: I love boy bands.  One Direction and N’Sync are my pop idols of choice.  For me, putting on a 1D album will almost instantly change my mood.  In fact, a 2012 study in the Journal of Positive Psychology indicated that listening to upbeat music with the intention to boost your mood can cause you to feel happier.  Find whatever music is your favorite and put on a CD or radio station that plays it!  If you’re in search of ideas, I like flipping through Spotify’s mood playlists, like Mood Booster or Confidence Boost – even without a self-made playlist, you can still find some positive tunes.

Give Yourself Credit for the Good

When I reflected on my morning, my first instinct was to see all the things I did wrong, ways I procrastinated, or work I didn’t accomplish.  But, in reality, I did plenty of positive things.  I had time for meditation and Scripture reading in the morning.  I prioritized my to-do list and completed my top 3 tasks for the day.  I showered (that counts, right?)  David Burns, in his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy*, identifies a distorted thought pattern he names “disqualifying the positive,” in which people can tend to believe negative thoughts or assumptions about themselves, but discredit any positive beliefs.  If I look at my day through the lens of everything I did wrong, of course I’ll feel discouraged.  But giving myself credit for those things I did will give that lift to my self-confidence.

Get Outside in Nature

There’s something about looking at beauty that makes it hard to focus on the negative.  I spent some time that afternoon sitting out in the backyard with my niece, basking in the sun and watching birds and squirrels.  We even saw a baby deer!  One evening earlier in the week a friend and I watched a giant cloud pass to the south of us, heat lightning flashing in the outline of the cloud.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Research shows that spending time in nature (or even viewing it from a window!) can have positive effects on mood, focus, and health.  Use the beauty you see to connect you back with a sense of awe and gratitude for the world around you.

Talk it Out 

A conversation with a friend can be an instant pick-me-up after a rough day.  There’s something powerful about knowing you’re not alone in the world.  Everyone has bad days, and having someone to sit with you in the middle of yours can make a huge difference.  Having a close network of friends has been shown to help people recover from depression. Give your friend a call, send a text, or even send a quick email to ask for encouraging words.

Give Yourself Permission to Take a Break

So you had a terrible morning trying to accomplish something that you couldn’t finish.  So the dishes are piling up in your kitchen, the crumbs have formed a layer on the kitchen floor, and you can’t remember the last time you wiped down the stove.  So your to-do list is a mile long and just keeps getting longer.  When you’re exhausted and overwhelmed to a point where everything feels like too much, it is okay for you to take a break.  Sit down, sip a cup of coffee, read a book, watch a quick YouTube video or TV show – whatever you love doing that refreshes you rather than drains you, give yourself a half-hour to do just that.  By giving yourself a short break with intention to return to your work afterwards, you’ll come back refreshed and ready to go.

On that day, did I remember to do these things?  Maybe not as much as I would’ve liked.  But when I have another discouraging day in the future, I’ll remind myself to return to some of these ideas and make them happen.

This article was originally posted on January 12, 2017.

Self-Care Saturdays: Nourish Your Body

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

For most of us in the US, we’ve just finished off a massive meal on Thanksgiving Day.  Thoughts surrounding food can go one of two ways.  On one side, food can provide an unhealthy source of comfort.  It can lead to overeating, obesity, or weight gain.  In extreme cases, an eating disorder can develop.

But food can be used for self-care as well.  Food is meant to nourish our bodies.  The right kinds of foods help our brains to work better and stave off the effects of mental illness.  Staying fed and hydrated gives us the energy to make it through the day.

I would love to change the way we think about food.  We might see food as something we manipulate to gain or lose weight, or to make our bodies look a certain way.  Instead, I would love to see food as a tool for our health.  Food can provide self-care as long as it isn’t the only means through which you receive comfort.  I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with eating a piece of candy, as long as it doesn’t become a binge (which is good, because I love candy!)

Here are some ways to practice self-care with food.

Make a delicious meal.

Several years ago, I loved Olive Garden’s delicious risotto dish with shrimp and asparagus.  It was my go-to meal at that restaurant…that is, until they took it off the menu.  I was heartbroken, but one day I stumbled across a copycat recipe for the meal online.  Within a few hours, I was able to make a delicious dish that was a near imitation of my favorite!

Take some time at home to make a copycat recipe for one of your favorite restaurant foods, or make a home cooked meal that reminds you of a certain time in your childhood.  If you’re not much of a cook, treat yourself to a meal at a restaurant that you love. 

You can also make a meal with your loved ones.  Cook with your kids, and set aside any worries about how messy the kitchen will get.  Make a meal for someone you love, like a friend who just had a baby, your spouse, or your parents. 

Eat mindfully.

In an earlier post, I discussed several ways to use mindfulness exercises to reduce anxiety.  These same exercises can be used while eating to remain connected and present.  In particular, I like using the 5-4-3-2-1 senses exercise.  Smell the food as it cooks and as you take your first bite.   Listen for the sounds of sizzling in the saucepan.  Listen to music while you’re cooking or eating.  Look at your plate of food.  What textures do you see?  Does it look appetizing?  What colors do you see?  Notice the taste and the texture of the food in your mouth as you chew, paying attention to if it is warm or cold.  Notice the taste: is it sweet or sour, bitter or flavorful?

Be mindful as you bake or cook a slower dish.  This is easier when you have time set aside to take as long as you need.  This past Thanksgiving, I decorated an apple pie with the shape of a turkey, and I knew I was able to have fun because I set aside a whole day to do it.  While this might not be practical for every day, it is a great idea to set aside a chunk of time to cook or bake.

Pay attention to your body.

Mindfulness extends past the present moment of cooking or eating a meal to the way you feel throughout the day.  Pay attention to how your body feels after eating.  Did you eat too much and feel overstuffed?  Are you still hungry?  How is the food sitting with you?  Are you thirsty or well-hydrated?

One way I love to pay attention to how much water I’m drinking is the Plant Nanny app, which encourages you to track your water intake by “watering” a plant on your phone.  Notice how increase in water intake or eating of different foods makes you feel throughout the day.

Learn about new foods.

Pick up a cookbook from your local library or read an article in a magazine for a new recipe.  Learn about the nourishing qualities of food by reading studies about the effects of different foods on your body.  I love to watch Food Network to learn about new recipes and techniques to try.  As a baker, I’m currently reading through a baker’s cookbook to learn about the chemistry behind how ingredients combine.  Learn about and follow health guidelines for food and portions.  In particular, pay attention to the foods you eat after exercise, such as taking in more protein.

Care for your allergies and sensitivities.

As you observe your body’s response to foods, you may notice the effects of a gluten allergy or sensitivity to dairy, or you might see how eating greasy food wrecks your stomach.  Think about the foods to which your body doesn’t respond well.  It can be self-care to give yourself something that is not so hard on your body.  When I worked at a Starbucks, I learned that dairy-milk lattes affected my stomach.  I switched over to soy milk, and it’s made all the difference.  Yes, that means that when I go in now to order a drink, I have to pay and extra 60 cents for my soy milk, but it’s worth it because it makes my stomach feel so much better (and it tastes delicious!).

Be aware of your mental attitude toward food.

When dieting comes into the picture, our food intake can become harshly restricted.  When we have endless rules about what we can and cannot eat, it’s easy to fall off the wagon.  Dieting focuses energy on thinking about our weight such that we pay more attention to it, which discourages us and can lead to emotional eating .  Instead of becoming wrapped up in following a certain diet and then feeling guilty and shame-filled when you break it, set realistic expectations and don’t beat yourself up.  Take baby steps.  Celebrate the little victories, looking more at the positive than the negative.

If you have difficulties around food, seek professional help.

If you struggle with an eating disorder, binge eating, obesity, eating to escape or self-medicate, insecurity about your weight, or guilt or shame about food, it is imperative that you get professional help.  You deserve to see food as a self-care comfort rather than a burden for you.  If you notice this article is triggering for you, or you identify with a difficulty listed above, seek help.  You deserve it.  You can call the hotline for the National Eating Disorder Association at 1-800-931-2237 or look at their resource page for a trained professional in your area.

5 Ways to Be Kind to Yourself in the New Year

It’s here: the new year.  For some of you, it feels like a fresh start full of new opportunities and hope for the future.  You may just want to leave 2016 behind and forget it ever happened.  For others, it might feel like time is passing too quickly, you’re disappointed in the past year, or you’re not sure what to hope for in 2017.

When you look back at 2016, what stands out to you personally?  Do you have hope for 2017?  If so, what are you hoping for?  Maybe you’ve made some resolutions or goals for the year and you’ve already broken them - I know I have.  It can be easy to blame ourselves or feel disheartened as we see dreams or desires not come to fruition.

How can we look back at the last year with kind eyes?  What do we do when our resolutions start to fall through, 2017 looks discouraging, or change isn’t happening as quickly as we’d like?

Here are some tips on how to be kind to yourself as you look back over the past year and plan for the new.

Celebrate the good from this past year.

If you’re facing depression or anxiety, it can be more natural to focus on the negative from the past year.  We can get hung up on things we did wrong, dreams we didn’t accomplish, goals gone unmet, desires left unfulfilled.  Instead, take a moment to look back on the year and make a list of things for which you can be grateful.  Give yourself credit for successes, no matter how small.  Celebrate by creating a symbol of those memories: it could be a collection of photos, a quote or verse that sums up the year for you, or a theme word or phrase.

Accept the things that have remained the same.

I’m a big journaler – it provides a release for me, but it’s also a helpful tool for reflection.  This New Year’s Day, I opened one of my journals from the beginning of 2016 to review the year and realized that I had written down almost the same disappointments and desires for change this year as I had the previous year.  My perfectionist self was unhappy. I could (and almost did) believe that nothing would ever change.  Instead, I had to choose to see myself as an imperfect person.  I needed to accept the ways in which I hadn’t changed this past year and know that I will be okay, even if I am not perfect.

I may always tend to experience life in a certain way due to my unique personality and emotions.  But instead of feeling worse by trying to fit the mold of what I “should” be experiencing, it is important accept both the gifts and the drawbacks of that personality trait and love myself through it.

Grieve the losses you’ve experienced.

Many of us have likely experienced loss in the past year.  It could’ve appeared in many ways: the death of a relative, a divorce, friendships coming to a close.  Loss can also come with positive changes, like a new job or a move to a new city.  Any of these could have made 2016 feel tinged with sorrow and sadness.  It could be easy to close the door on the year and choose never to think of those things again.  But pain can fester and affect us if we don’t give ourselves time and space to grieve the losses we experience.  Allow yourself to experience the sadness that may come, and seek out safe people to talk to and help you through your grief.

Set one small goal.

Set yourself up for success!  Resolutions can tend to be a bunch of vague goals, like “lose weight, exercise more, organize my house, be a better parent/spouse/friend.”  No wonder no one keeps resolutions like that – they’re overwhelming!  And since they aren’t particularly specific, it can be hard to find a next step to take for them.  This year, choose one small goal that has a baby step you can take in the first week of the year.  Make sure your goal SMART (specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, and time-bound), as that means you’re more likely to make it happen!  Better yet, choose something that you’ll find fun or enjoyable – the more you like doing something, the more likely you’ll be to keep doing it.

Choose one value to focus on in the year ahead.

There is a practice that some people take toward the new year where they name a word or short phrase that they want to be their focus for the upcoming year. Maybe you’d like to experience more calm, hope, or adventure in your life.  This can be a helpful tool to narrow down your vision for the year to just one item. Choose a value in which you desire to grow, and allow your choices for the year to be defined by that core value.

This year, instead of beating yourself down into the ground with those failed resolutions and negative views of the past year, use these ideas to both celebrate the year that’s gone by and create a rewarding 2017!