Coping With Betrayal Trauma Triggers as a Couple

When I work with couples who are recovering from sex and love addiction, one of the most common concerns is what to do when the betrayed partner gets triggered.  This is especially relevant when the addict has achieved sobriety and is working their program, but the betrayed partner continues to experience triggers. A trigger is a reminder in the present of the addict’s hurtful and addictive behaviors in the past.  Triggers can be accompanied by strong expressions of emotion that seem out of proportion to the present situation, flashbacks to the addict’s past behaviors, intense anxiety or fear, or a level of disgust toward the addict.

Triggers aren’t necessarily indicators that the addict has done anything wrong or broken their sobriety.  In fact, triggers will come up no matter how long the addict has been sober.  I often characterize triggers as having “one foot in the past and one foot in the present”.  Though the addiction may not be happening currently, the feeling aroused by the trigger is the same as if it were happening in the present.  They are a normal part of betrayal trauma recovery and broken trust that needs to be dealt with and healed in the relationship.

Types and Signs of Triggers

A trigger can be directly tied to the recovering addict’s behavior, but triggers can also be environmental.  Triggers tied directly to the addict might be observing their interactions with the opposite sex, seeing your partner hide something on their phone or computer, or your spouse arriving home later than expected.  An example of an environmental trigger might be a billboard for an adult bookstore, an explicit scene in a TV show or movie, or the mention of an affair in a book or magazine.

Sometimes these triggers lead to suspicion and distrust of the spouse, especially when patterns of behavior that were used to hide addiction are noted.  For example, if the addict would often engage in sexual acting out behaviors while traveling for work, traveling will likely carry a trigger in the future.  Or if the spouse used pornography late at night, staying up late alone may be another trigger.

Other times triggers are tied to relational dynamics that were present during the addiction.  If defensiveness was used to hide addictive behavior or emotional disengagement occurred as a result of the addiction, these will likely stir up a trigger response.  Emotional manipulation and gaslighting, withdrawing after an argument, and rage/intense anger are all types of relational dynamics that may have been used to hide or distract from the addictive behavior in the past. If they recur, they can remind the betrayed spouse of that experience and arouse suspicion.

As mentioned earlier, triggers often bring strong emotional reactions, to extremes of rage or the silent treatment.  They can spiral the betrayed partner into destructive thought patterns and anxiety, which may lead to a return to safety-seeking behaviors. Examples of these include searching through emails or phones or numbing out with the betrayed partner’s own addiction to food, shopping, alcohol, or other compulsive or impulsive behaviors. 

Some triggers are easier to prepare for, such as the travel trigger mentioned above.  However, many times triggers come on unexpectedly.  Having a plan in place for how you will respond to triggers as a couple can help you be prepared even for those that are unpredictable and arise without warning.

A Plan for the Addict

Slow down and breathe.

When your partner is triggered, often the impulse is to defend yourself against what can feel like an attack or accusation of wrongdoing.  Unfortunately, this can intensify the triggering experience, adding even more distrust to the relationship as you repeat patterns of defensiveness or dismissal that were used to hide the addiction.

Instead, use the tool of your breath to slow yourself down before you jump on the defense.  Take five to ten slow, deep abdominal breaths to help you stay present in your body and prepare to listen to their experience.

Remember what is happening.

Reframe these trigger moments as opportunities to grow in trust. Consider the concept that a trigger is about having one foot in the present and one foot in the past.  Typically, the trigger is not about what is happening now and is more about what your actions were then.  The trigger doesn’t necessarily carry an accusation with it, as much as it is a flashback to what happened in the past.  If there is some truth to the accusation, it does need to be addressed, and we’ll explore that later.

Listen.

Turn your attention toward your spouse and actively hear what they are saying.  It may help you to repeat their words back to them to ensure you understand, as well as clear up any misinterpretations or confusing communication.  This also helps your partner feel heard and have the opportunity to clarify their perspective. 

Contain the shame.

This is the most crucial component of this process for the addict.  Triggers stir up shame because shame comes with facing the reality of the harm caused by your addictive behaviors.  In fact, shame often contributed to addiction in the first place, as the addiction was a way to self-medicate against the pain of shame.

Addicts defend against shame in a multitude of ways.  You might deny your addiction altogether, avoid reminders of the harm done by your addiction, focus more on the future than the past, or even repress or forget moments from the addiction.  All of these options deny your personal responsibility, which can lead your betrayed partner to feel minimized. 

In order to respond to your betrayed partner with empathy, you need to contain your experience of shame by separating your identity from what you have done.  You need to remind yourself that you are not your addiction.  This is work that can be done in therapy or with your sponsor in 12 Step. The ultimate goal is to take responsibility and remember that a trigger is not a threat to who you are. 

Validate the pain of the past.

Connect with your spouse by acknowledging the reality of betrayal they faced at your hands and the hands of your addiction.  Key phrases for this step include words like, “Of course you would feel that way” and, “It makes sense why you would feel _____ based on my past behaviors.” 

Incorporate empathy here if you can.  Words like, “That really stinks” or, “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really hard” can be helpful here as well.  A combination of validation and empathy will go far in defusing the tension of the trigger.

Examine your own behavior and apologize if needed.

Self-reflect to see if the trigger your betrayed partner is experiencing is based in anything for which you can take responsibility.  A trigger like passing a billboard or going on work travel aren’t necessarily your responsibiilty, so this may be a situation to simply validate and share empathy.

On the other hand, triggers related to emotional manipulation in arguments, not following through on promised actions, or inappropriate behavior with a member of the opposite sex likely require an apology.

In a more subtle direction, it is important to apologize for safeguards that could have been in place to protect against this trigger.  For example, perhaps the two of you agreed to make a plan before travel to connect during the trip and you failed to do so.  Or you’ve committed to taking responsibility initiating date nights or weekly recovery check-ins, but you haven’t been consistent in following through on those commitments.  Own your actions that set up an environment for a trigger.

Answer their questions.

See if your spouse has any follow-up questions to the trigger, particularly if it involved direct action or inaction on your part.  Answer these questions as openly and honestly as you can.  Remember that any deception here will come back to hurt you when the truth eventually gets revealed, as it inevitably will.

Rebuild trust in the moment.

Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to rebuild trust in the moment.  Physical touch may be a good way to increase connection, if the partner desires it.  They may also have a request for a date night or other shared activity as a way to connect emotionally and relationally.  They may have a request to create a new agreement around the trigger for the future.

A Plan For the Partner

Breathe.

Just as the addict in this situation needs to slow down and connect to their body, the same is true for you. Intense emotions that accompany triggers can either take you completely out of your body or overwhelm your body with emotion.  This is true for anyone facing trauma flashbacks.  Practicing a centering or grounding breathing exercise can help you slow down enough to observe what is happening in your mind and body. 

Reach out for support.

Get in contact with some of the support individuals in your life who know about your betrayal trauma recovery and ask for encouragement or a listening ear.  A source for this support might come from a women’s support group, your therapist, or a close friend who is empathetic and supportive in your recovery.  If you don’t have this support in place, now might be a good time to look for resources in your area or online that you can rely on the next time you face a trigger like this one.

Avoid the impulse to safety-seek.

Triggers that remind you of the addict’s past behaviors can throw you into repetition of the panic, fear, and hypervigilance of the early days after discovery.  Safety-seeking behaviors include actions such as compulsively searching through your spouse’s internet search history, phone contacts, or emails.  It could be manipulating your conversations with them to try to get them to slip up and say something incriminating.

Hallmarks of safety-seeking behaviors are that they are secretive, often carry shame with them, are attempts to feel like you have all the information and are in control, and usually make you feel worse instead of better.  Instead of choosing these destructive patterns, lean into supportive self-care until you are able to have a conversation with a support person or with your spouse.

Approach your spouse with the talking formula.

When you feel affected by a trigger and it feels appropriate to do so, talk about it with the addict using this format: “When I heard/saw [the trigger], what went through my mind was [thoughts] and I felt [emotion word].”

Feel free to ask questions or confirmation about their behavior.  For example, if it would help you to have more information, you might ask, “Would you be willing to share more about what was going on that day?”  Or if you need reassurance of their recovery, you might say, “It would be helpful to be reminded of your recovery plan. Can we go through that together again?”

Make a request for a change in behavior, if needed.

Identify if you would like to approach future trigger moments differently as a result of what you learned from this one.  Adapting your plan can involve both a joint discussion and an individual reflection.  You might ask your partner, “Could we make a plan together for situations like this in the future?”

You can also identify relationship patterns that you’d like to change if they were involved in the trigger.  For example, instead of emotional withdrawal and detachment, you could request that your partner remain present or plan a time to come back together to discuss an issue. 

Practice self-care.

Riding on the roller-coaster of a trigger is not an easy process.  It can be emotionally and physically exhausting to both experience a trigger and to process it in the aftermath.  Practice activities that are self-soothing and bring a sense of peace and calm to your physical body.  Utilize your resources of support to help you process through the conversation you had with your partner.  Regardless of what happens in the conversation with your spouse, you can still care for and validate yourself.

How to Listen So Others Will Speak: Authentic Communication Part 2

In Part 1 of the Authentic Communication series, I shared a formula to communicate authentically about your feelings with people in your life: “I feel _________ about/because of ____________, and what I need is __________.”  In light of that, it is fitting to take a look at how to listen when you’re on the receiving end of this style of communication.  How do you respond when someone expresses difficult thoughts or feelings to you?

For most of us, it is unusual for someone to communicate emotions directly and in an assertive way like this.  We can feel insecure or uncertain about how to respond.  We want to be empathetic, but sometimes we worry that our words will be trite or dismissing.  Or maybe we’re uncomfortable with the fact that they shared this information with us in the first place, and managing that discomfort takes all of our attention.

We tend toward a few possible ways to respond when someone approaches us to share their emotions.  In general, we can be uncomfortable around negative or painful emotions.  We might avoid painful emotions in our own lives, so seeing or hearing someone express an emotion vulnerably might lead us to put pressure on ourselves to put a positive spin on it.  Or we can become defensive, particularly if the emotions being expressed are in response to something we’ve done.  Perhaps the person’s vulnerability in sharing feelings or needs from us requires us to apologize or identify changes we need to make in our own lives.

What holds you back from responding with empathy?

Ultimately, expressing emotions and responding with empathy to others is vulnerable, in that we have to connect with uncomfortable or painful emotions inside ourselves in order to understand them in others.

In order for us to truly empathize with someone else, we have to step into their shoes and look at the world from their perspective.  We may not fully understand, as we may not have had the same experience in our story.  But as they share emotions of anger, sadness, fear, or hurt, we can look at ways we’ve felt those same emotions before to get a picture of what they’re going through.

Brené Brown, a well-known researcher on shame and empathy, briefly explains the difference between empathy and sympathy here:

I love how she underlines the idea of “silver-lining” someone’s pain – looking for the “at least” or the message.  We can sometimes jump too quickly to comforting platitudes that do contain truth, but can silence any emotion or pain the individual is experiencing.  True empathy creates space for emotions to be felt.

How have you tried to “silver lining” someone’s pain?

In relationships, John Gottman talks about the importance of validating one another’s perspective in order to create intimacy.  Couples in conflict tend to get stuck in push-and-pull arguments that become battles to win or lose.  Slowing down and engaging in this practice of empathy rather than seeking to make your partner feel better or stop feeling the negative emotion creates intimacy in your relationships.

Take time to validate your partner.  Validation involves responding to another’s expression of feelings and experiences in a way that communicates you understand or you can see from their perspective.  In so doing, you don’t necessarily have to agree with them.  For example, your partner might interpret you forgetting to take out the trash as disrespecting him or her.  Even if that wasn’t your intention, you can still respond by expressing that you understand that feeling and how it might have affected them.  This diffuses the tension, as your partner will likely feel more heard and understood.

Here’s some examples of validating responses:

• I can see why you felt this way.

• I understand how my actions communicated that.

• It makes sense to me why you responded that way, knowing what you were thinking and feeling.

There is no perfect response here: you can’t say any magic words that will instantly fix any problems you have in your relationships.  But the more you are able to validate and empathize with the experiences of others, the more likely you are to build strong relationships where your loved ones feel safe sharing difficult emotions and experiences with you.

“Rarely can a response make something better.  What makes something better is connection.” – Brené Brown

This article was originally posted on June 1, 2017 under the title, “Empathy in the Face of Vulnerability: Responding to Authentic Communication”.

Taking Courage Through the Storms of Life: A Reflection on the TED Connects Talk by Elizabeth Gilbert

If you’re reading this article in real-time, we’re all learning how to manage emotions through a major, unprecedented, global crisis in COVID-19.  We’re all being affected in some way, even though those specific patterns look different from person to person. 

Yet many of us will, at some point in our lives, walk through our own personal crises or traumas.  The loss of a job.  The betrayal of a spouse or partner.  The death of a loved one.  

Elizabeth Gilbert, author and creative thinker, recently was featured on an episode of TED Connects processing responses to the COVID-19 crisis.  In her talk, she shares reflections on emotional impact of this crisis and ways to shift thinking and behavior in order to offer more compassion and grace for ourselves.  While the principles in this video fit the crisis we’re facing collectively right now, they also shed have universal principles for personal crises you may face.

Here are a few of the key takeaways I gathered from listening to this talk.

Anxiety

Gilbert encourages us to give ourselves mercy and compassion for any emotions we experience through this crisis.  When we realize that our experience is normal and that everyone is going through or would go through some version of this same response, it helps take some of the pressure off to have it all together.  When you’re in a personal crisis, finding a grief or support group or talking with someone who’s been through this crisis before can be a great help, as it hits home that you aren’t alone and others understand what you’re going through.

Recognizing your resilience is another component she shares that will help you have confidence to make it through your crisis.  Reflect on past experiences that have been challenging or painful. Remind yourself of how you made it through and what allowed you to do so.  Review this list when you find yourself struggling to maintain compassion or courage despite the crisis.

Practicing presence and gratitude are also important.  Instead of numbing out or trying to escape, pay attention to the emotions you’re experiencing in the present, even if they’re uncomfortable.  Notice the things that you have in your life that you are grateful for. Make lists and speak these words of appreciation out loud.

She also highlights the myth of control: anxiety comes out of believing that we’re in control of our lives, when in reality we have little to no control over our circumstances.  We are only in control of our own actions, beliefs, thoughts, and choices.  When you surrender control, you’re allowing yourself to be released from the burden of anxiety and the myth that you can be in control of your circumstance.

“Surrender means letting go of something you never even had.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Loneliness

Living through a crisis can be an inherently isolating experience, and you likely have to cope with loneliness in a new way.  Notice your tendencies toward escaping or avoiding and how the crisis may have removed some of those coping mechanisms.  Recognize the ways your behaviors function as a way for you to withdraw from painful emotions.  Consider exploring negative emotions that arise, journaling through them, asking yourself what you fear and what you run from. 

Use this crisis as a way to get to know your mind and practice shifting your thinking.  You might notice more self-doubt, criticism, judgment, or fear.  Take inventory of your self-defeating thoughts so you can recognize them when they arise and begin to fact-check them with reality.  Just like focusing more on gratitude, this mindset shift requires intentional action.  You can literally change structures in your brain as you begin to make these shifts.

“The hardest person in the entire world to be with is yourself.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Productivity and Creating

While discussing creativity during a crisis, Gilbert references the fact that she prefers following “curiosity” rather than purpose and passion.  What might change in your life if you focused more on following your curiosity? Rather than focusing on what you “should” be doing, consider what you’re curious about and move toward that. 

Recognize that anxiety and fear stifle your ability to be productive or creative as well.  The content you consume impacts your mind and your capacity to focus.  Instead of trying to shame or beat yourself up into being more productive, release those “shoulds” and give yourself more freedom.

She also suggests reframing the crisis as a retreat, or a stimulus for learning.  She suggests doing what you used to do as a child, returning to play, as a way of coping with the difficult emotions that arise and awakening greater creativity within yourself.

A Note on Spirituality

Much of what Elizabeth shares in this TED talk is interwoven with her spiritual understanding.  While I disagree with the foundations of her spirituality, I think she offers concepts that can be adapted to a Christian worldview and can lead you to take a more grace-filled approach toward yourself in a season of crisis.  If you also share Christian beliefs, I encourage you to consider how some of the following ideas may help you.

Write a letter to yourself from God.

Near the end of the video, Elizabeth shares a practice that she engages in daily where she writes a letter to herself from “love.”  As I listened to her read her example letter aloud, I realized that the words “love” was saying to her were strikingly similar to how God speaks and comforts His people – phrases such as, “I’m with you.”  “I’ve got this.”  “You are my beloved.”  The connection between these words of love and God comes through the understanding that God is love (1 John 4:16) and that His perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).

How might you write a letter to yourself from the point of view of God, who loves you unconditionally (Romans 8:35-39) and has promised to be with you forever (Matthew 28:20)? What would God say to you in your current circumstance, in your pain, in your struggle?  If you struggle to hear God’s voice as a voice of love, start out by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and replace the word “love” with “God.”  If God is all of the things listed in that passage, how might he speak to you? 

Surrender control through prayer.

As mentioned earlier, releasing anxiety involves recognizing that you never had control in the first place.  We are not in control, but God is (Colossians 1:16-17).  When you recognize your powerlessness over your circumstance, you can use prayer as a way to remind yourself of this fact.  Refocusing on prayer helps us to come back to God and surrender to Him what we cannot control. 

I reference the Serenity prayer often because I think its simple structure provides a framework for releasing control and seeking wisdom.  It goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Listen to the Holy Spirit.

In the talk, Elizabeth shares a story about a woman who became dangerously lost on a hike.   She offered up a prayer of surrender when she realized she was in trouble and felt led by her intuition to act in a way that would preserve her safety.  This reminded me of the importance of asking for wisdom and guidance from God (James 1:5) and being open to the Holy Spirit’s direction and leading (John 16).  Of course, it is important to compare where we feel led by the Spirit to Scriptural truth to determine its validity, but it was a helpful reminder to listen to where God is leading rather than trying to figure it all out on our own.

Empathy in the Face of Vulnerability: Responding to Authentic Communication

Last week on the blog, we talked about a formula on how to communicate authentically about your feelings with people in your life: “I feel _________ about/because of ____________, and what I need is __________.”  In light of that, it seems fitting this week to take a look at how to respond when you’re on the receiving end of this style of communication.  How do you respond when someone expresses difficult thoughts or feelings to you?

For most of us, it is unusual for someone to communicate emotions directly and in an assertive way like this.  We can feel insecure or uncertain of how to respond.  We want to be empathetic, but sometimes we worry that our words will be trite or dismissing.  Or maybe we’re uncomfortable with the fact that they shared this information with us in the first place, and managing that discomfort takes all of our attention.

We tend toward a few possible ways to respond when someone approaches us to share their emotions.  In general, we can be uncomfortable around negative or painful emotions.  We might avoid painful emotions in our own lives, so seeing or hearing someone express an emotion vulnerably might lead us to put pressure on ourselves to put a positive spin on it.  Or we can become defensive, particularly if the emotions being expressed are in response to something we’ve done.  Perhaps the person’s vulnerability in sharing feelings or needs from us require us to apologize or identify changes we need to make in our own lives.

What holds you back from responding with empathy?

Ultimately, expressing emotions and responding with empathy to others is vulnerable, in that we have to connect with uncomfortable or painful emotions inside ourselves in order to understand them in others.

In order for us to truly empathize with someone else, we have to step into their shoes and look at the world through their perspective.  We may not fully understand, as we may not have had the same experience in our story.  But as they share emotions of anger, sadness, fear, or hurt, we can look at ways we’ve felt those same emotions before to get a picture of what they’re going through.

Brené Brown, a well-known researcher on shame and empathy, briefly explains the difference between empathy and sympathy here:

I love how she underlines the idea of “silver-lining” someone’s pain – looking for the “at least” or the message.  In Christian circles, we can sometimes jump too quickly to platitudes like “God works all things together for good.”  While that does hold truth, it can silence any emotion or pain the individual is experiencing.  True empathy creates space for emotions to be felt.

How have you tried to “silver lining” someone’s pain?

In relationships, John Gottman talks about the importance of validating one another’s perspective in order to create intimacy.  Couples in conflict tend to get stuck in push and pull arguments that become battles to win or lose.  Slowing down and engaging in this practice of empathy rather than seeking to make your partner feel better or stop feeling the negative emotion creates intimacy in your relationships.

Take time to validate your partner.  Validation involves responding to another’s expression of feelings and experiences in a way that communicates you understand or you can see from their perspective.  In so doing, you don’t necessarily have to agree with them.  For example, your partner might interpret you forgetting to take out the trash as disrespecting him or her.  Even if that wasn’t your intention, you can still respond by expressing that you understand that feeling and how it might have affected them.  This diffuses the tension, as your partner will likely feel more heard and understood.

Here’s some examples of validating responses:

• I can see why you felt this way.

• I understand how my actions communicated that.

• It makes sense to me why you responded that way, knowing what you were thinking and feeling.

There is no perfect response here: you can’t say any magic words that will instantly fix any problems you have in your relationships.  But the more you are able to validate and empathize with the experiences of others, the more likely you are to build strong relationships where your loved ones feel safe sharing difficult emotions and experiences with you.

“Rarely can a response make something better.  What makes something better is connection.” – Brené Brown