Coping With Betrayal Trauma Triggers as a Couple

When I work with couples who are recovering from sex and love addiction, one of the most common concerns is what to do when the betrayed partner gets triggered.  This is especially relevant when the addict has achieved sobriety and is working their program, but the betrayed partner continues to experience triggers. A trigger is a reminder in the present of the addict’s hurtful and addictive behaviors in the past.  Triggers can be accompanied by strong expressions of emotion that seem out of proportion to the present situation, flashbacks to the addict’s past behaviors, intense anxiety or fear, or a level of disgust toward the addict.

Triggers aren’t necessarily indicators that the addict has done anything wrong or broken their sobriety.  In fact, triggers will come up no matter how long the addict has been sober.  I often characterize triggers as having “one foot in the past and one foot in the present”.  Though the addiction may not be happening currently, the feeling aroused by the trigger is the same as if it were happening in the present.  They are a normal part of betrayal trauma recovery and broken trust that needs to be dealt with and healed in the relationship.

Types and Signs of Triggers

A trigger can be directly tied to the recovering addict’s behavior, but triggers can also be environmental.  Triggers tied directly to the addict might be observing their interactions with the opposite sex, seeing your partner hide something on their phone or computer, or your spouse arriving home later than expected.  An example of an environmental trigger might be a billboard for an adult bookstore, an explicit scene in a TV show or movie, or the mention of an affair in a book or magazine.

Sometimes these triggers lead to suspicion and distrust of the spouse, especially when patterns of behavior that were used to hide addiction are noted.  For example, if the addict would often engage in sexual acting out behaviors while traveling for work, traveling will likely carry a trigger in the future.  Or if the spouse used pornography late at night, staying up late alone may be another trigger.

Other times triggers are tied to relational dynamics that were present during the addiction.  If defensiveness was used to hide addictive behavior or emotional disengagement occurred as a result of the addiction, these will likely stir up a trigger response.  Emotional manipulation and gaslighting, withdrawing after an argument, and rage/intense anger are all types of relational dynamics that may have been used to hide or distract from the addictive behavior in the past. If they recur, they can remind the betrayed spouse of that experience and arouse suspicion.

As mentioned earlier, triggers often bring strong emotional reactions, to extremes of rage or the silent treatment.  They can spiral the betrayed partner into destructive thought patterns and anxiety, which may lead to a return to safety-seeking behaviors. Examples of these include searching through emails or phones or numbing out with the betrayed partner’s own addiction to food, shopping, alcohol, or other compulsive or impulsive behaviors. 

Some triggers are easier to prepare for, such as the travel trigger mentioned above.  However, many times triggers come on unexpectedly.  Having a plan in place for how you will respond to triggers as a couple can help you be prepared even for those that are unpredictable and arise without warning.

A Plan for the Addict

Slow down and breathe.

When your partner is triggered, often the impulse is to defend yourself against what can feel like an attack or accusation of wrongdoing.  Unfortunately, this can intensify the triggering experience, adding even more distrust to the relationship as you repeat patterns of defensiveness or dismissal that were used to hide the addiction.

Instead, use the tool of your breath to slow yourself down before you jump on the defense.  Take five to ten slow, deep abdominal breaths to help you stay present in your body and prepare to listen to their experience.

Remember what is happening.

Reframe these trigger moments as opportunities to grow in trust. Consider the concept that a trigger is about having one foot in the present and one foot in the past.  Typically, the trigger is not about what is happening now and is more about what your actions were then.  The trigger doesn’t necessarily carry an accusation with it, as much as it is a flashback to what happened in the past.  If there is some truth to the accusation, it does need to be addressed, and we’ll explore that later.

Listen.

Turn your attention toward your spouse and actively hear what they are saying.  It may help you to repeat their words back to them to ensure you understand, as well as clear up any misinterpretations or confusing communication.  This also helps your partner feel heard and have the opportunity to clarify their perspective. 

Contain the shame.

This is the most crucial component of this process for the addict.  Triggers stir up shame because shame comes with facing the reality of the harm caused by your addictive behaviors.  In fact, shame often contributed to addiction in the first place, as the addiction was a way to self-medicate against the pain of shame.

Addicts defend against shame in a multitude of ways.  You might deny your addiction altogether, avoid reminders of the harm done by your addiction, focus more on the future than the past, or even repress or forget moments from the addiction.  All of these options deny your personal responsibility, which can lead your betrayed partner to feel minimized. 

In order to respond to your betrayed partner with empathy, you need to contain your experience of shame by separating your identity from what you have done.  You need to remind yourself that you are not your addiction.  This is work that can be done in therapy or with your sponsor in 12 Step. The ultimate goal is to take responsibility and remember that a trigger is not a threat to who you are. 

Validate the pain of the past.

Connect with your spouse by acknowledging the reality of betrayal they faced at your hands and the hands of your addiction.  Key phrases for this step include words like, “Of course you would feel that way” and, “It makes sense why you would feel _____ based on my past behaviors.” 

Incorporate empathy here if you can.  Words like, “That really stinks” or, “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really hard” can be helpful here as well.  A combination of validation and empathy will go far in defusing the tension of the trigger.

Examine your own behavior and apologize if needed.

Self-reflect to see if the trigger your betrayed partner is experiencing is based in anything for which you can take responsibility.  A trigger like passing a billboard or going on work travel aren’t necessarily your responsibiilty, so this may be a situation to simply validate and share empathy.

On the other hand, triggers related to emotional manipulation in arguments, not following through on promised actions, or inappropriate behavior with a member of the opposite sex likely require an apology.

In a more subtle direction, it is important to apologize for safeguards that could have been in place to protect against this trigger.  For example, perhaps the two of you agreed to make a plan before travel to connect during the trip and you failed to do so.  Or you’ve committed to taking responsibility initiating date nights or weekly recovery check-ins, but you haven’t been consistent in following through on those commitments.  Own your actions that set up an environment for a trigger.

Answer their questions.

See if your spouse has any follow-up questions to the trigger, particularly if it involved direct action or inaction on your part.  Answer these questions as openly and honestly as you can.  Remember that any deception here will come back to hurt you when the truth eventually gets revealed, as it inevitably will.

Rebuild trust in the moment.

Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to rebuild trust in the moment.  Physical touch may be a good way to increase connection, if the partner desires it.  They may also have a request for a date night or other shared activity as a way to connect emotionally and relationally.  They may have a request to create a new agreement around the trigger for the future.

A Plan For the Partner

Breathe.

Just as the addict in this situation needs to slow down and connect to their body, the same is true for you. Intense emotions that accompany triggers can either take you completely out of your body or overwhelm your body with emotion.  This is true for anyone facing trauma flashbacks.  Practicing a centering or grounding breathing exercise can help you slow down enough to observe what is happening in your mind and body. 

Reach out for support.

Get in contact with some of the support individuals in your life who know about your betrayal trauma recovery and ask for encouragement or a listening ear.  A source for this support might come from a women’s support group, your therapist, or a close friend who is empathetic and supportive in your recovery.  If you don’t have this support in place, now might be a good time to look for resources in your area or online that you can rely on the next time you face a trigger like this one.

Avoid the impulse to safety-seek.

Triggers that remind you of the addict’s past behaviors can throw you into repetition of the panic, fear, and hypervigilance of the early days after discovery.  Safety-seeking behaviors include actions such as compulsively searching through your spouse’s internet search history, phone contacts, or emails.  It could be manipulating your conversations with them to try to get them to slip up and say something incriminating.

Hallmarks of safety-seeking behaviors are that they are secretive, often carry shame with them, are attempts to feel like you have all the information and are in control, and usually make you feel worse instead of better.  Instead of choosing these destructive patterns, lean into supportive self-care until you are able to have a conversation with a support person or with your spouse.

Approach your spouse with the talking formula.

When you feel affected by a trigger and it feels appropriate to do so, talk about it with the addict using this format: “When I heard/saw [the trigger], what went through my mind was [thoughts] and I felt [emotion word].”

Feel free to ask questions or confirmation about their behavior.  For example, if it would help you to have more information, you might ask, “Would you be willing to share more about what was going on that day?”  Or if you need reassurance of their recovery, you might say, “It would be helpful to be reminded of your recovery plan. Can we go through that together again?”

Make a request for a change in behavior, if needed.

Identify if you would like to approach future trigger moments differently as a result of what you learned from this one.  Adapting your plan can involve both a joint discussion and an individual reflection.  You might ask your partner, “Could we make a plan together for situations like this in the future?”

You can also identify relationship patterns that you’d like to change if they were involved in the trigger.  For example, instead of emotional withdrawal and detachment, you could request that your partner remain present or plan a time to come back together to discuss an issue. 

Practice self-care.

Riding on the roller-coaster of a trigger is not an easy process.  It can be emotionally and physically exhausting to both experience a trigger and to process it in the aftermath.  Practice activities that are self-soothing and bring a sense of peace and calm to your physical body.  Utilize your resources of support to help you process through the conversation you had with your partner.  Regardless of what happens in the conversation with your spouse, you can still care for and validate yourself.

Letting Go of Shame as Essential to Sex Addiction Recovery

Addiction is thorny.  Every addict knows this.  Once it has its claws in you, it can feel impossible to disentangle yourself from it.  The relief that comes from being discovered and/or finally taking the first step to get help is tangible.  Finally, you don’t have to be dealing with this by yourself anymore.  Finally, you have an excuse to make it stop and the motivation or resolve to do so.

But what happens when that motivation fades?  Sure, you’ll be committed early on, attending meetings or support groups, meeting regularly with your therapist, following the program…until it starts to get too hard.  Maybe the motivation you had to quit goes away, in the form of a separation from a spouse or consequences fading in intensity.  Maybe you lose sight of your reasons why for stopping.  Or maybe the pain of the recovery process becomes too great and you have to escape back into something that is self-soothing, comforting, familiar.

So you relapse.  And upon relapse, the shame you’ve been holding at bay with recovery work comes crashing down on you again.  And to avoid or self-medicate away from that shame (because it is impossibly painful) you act out again, continue to go back to your addiction because it’s what feeds you.  Maybe there’s a part of you that desperately wants to get out, that knows the destruction your addiction can cause, that it already has caused.  But then there’s another part of you that says you can’t live without your addiction.  That it’s the only thing keeping you sane, keeping you holding on, keeping you alive.

And so these two sides are at war.  Pulling back and forth, hoping to motivate you on one side, hoping to destroy you on the other.

“There’s another part of you that says you can’t live without your addiction. That it’s the only thing keeping you sane, keeping you holding on, keeping you alive.”

Add in additional shame because you can’t stop, further consequences to your behavior that result from your relapse, and the dopamine and adrenaline rush that feel more intense because you haven’t acted out in a long time, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

In early recovery, I often hear vestiges of the war: wanting so desperately to stop but feeling completely unable to.  The addict part of you convincing that it isn’t all that bad, or that you’re hopeless and without strength to stop.  Or the reality that you really just don’t want to stop because it feels good and offers relief from the pain of daily living.  These admissions are often then followed with shame-based beliefs about yourself: I’m a horrible person, I’m never going to get better, There’s something wrong with me, I’m disgusting, I’m worthless, I’m weak.

What’s the quickest remedy for shame?  Escaping into addiction.

Addiction feeds off of shame. So before we can truly bring addiction to an end, live in recovery and achieve sobriety, the shame needs to be addressed as well.  Otherwise you just end up as a dry drunk.

Here’s where acceptance comes in.

Acceptance?  What?  So I’m just supposed to accept that I’m a lost cause and act out as much as I want to?  The addict part of me really likes that, but the healthy part knows that’s not good.

“Before we can truly bring addiction to an end, live in recovery and achieve sobriety, the shame needs to be addressed.”

True, if you look at acceptance as a free license to do whatever you want, that’s a problem.  That’s typically where addicts get entrenched in self-aggrandizement and self-deception as a way of denying and avoiding the reality of their addiction.

Acceptance is an important step in releasing yourself from shame, but it doesn’t stop there.  We’ll get to the next part in a moment, but for now, let’s start with acceptance.

How does it feel to say to yourself: I’m a horrible, disgusting person who doesn’t deserve good things?  If this is the language you use to describe yourself, no wonder you want to run away into addiction, into something that helps you feel better.

But what if, instead of beating yourself up for your addiction, you sought to make sense of it?

Hear me out: addiction doesn’t develop out of nowhere.  Research has shown that sex addicts often carry stories of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect.  Neglect, in particular, is hard to see because it’s the absence of something good in our upbringing.  Because we consider our own upbringings to be “normal”, we don’t see it as neglect. 

Even if you don’t have abuse or neglect in your story, the world we live in offers pornography at the ready with the few clicks of a button.  Pornography is designed to draw you in, flood your brain with dopamine and keep you coming back for more.  It’s an industry, after all, and they want to make sure you continue to “buy” their product.  Never mind the fact that regular use affects the neurocircuitry of your brain to make real-life partners less attractive, sexual desire harder to drum up, and creates a pattern of dependency on the images for sexual release.

Examine the origins of your addiction story.  Where did it start?  What was going on in your life at the time?  Were you experiencing pain or distress?  Even what you might consider “normal” pain like a breakup, a parental divorce, teasing at school, feelings of loneliness – what did the sexual behavior help you avoid?

When you pick up a habit that helps you cope, you tend to repeat it in adult life even if it’s not working anymore or its hurting you.  Sexual behavior, beyond just a habit for coping, is self-reinforcing as it alters your brain to offer such a potent rush of feel-good neurochemicals every time you engage in it.   

No wonder you keep going back to something that feels that good.  You learned it worked, and so you’ll repeat it. 

“When you pick up a habit that helps you cope, you tend to repeat it in adult life even if it’s not working anymore or its hurting you.”

And you aren’t the only one who’s had this experience.  There wouldn’t be books written about sex addiction, research articles on the effects of porn on the brain, and 12 Step and support groups about this issue if you were the only one who struggled with it.

Allowing the addictive behavior to “make sense” releases the stigma of shame.  It’s not that you’re a horrible person – you’ve (in essence) conditioned your brain such that you go to sex to give you relief from stress or pain.   

So now what?  Sure, it makes sense, but does that give me free license to do it whenever I want?

Not exactly.  See, realizing that it makes sense and acknowledging that for yourself is freeing.  It means that you’re not alone and that others have found a way out of this, even when they’ve been in the midst of an intense relapse or full-on addiction.

Remember earlier when I said there would be a next step beyond acceptance?  That step is commitment.

Commitment to change.  Commitment to recovery.  Commitment to carry out the life values that are important to you.  Commitment to people.  Commitment to yourself.

Understanding commitment requires a vision for your future.  Shame destroys any hope for the future, so it follows that vision is only established when you accept that you aren’t hopeless or a lost cause, because it makes sense why you would choose addiction. Knowing others have been able to get out of it bolsters that hope.

Why do you want to stop?  What has it cost you to stay addicted?  What have you lost?  What are you at risk of losing if you don’t stop?

Imagine your future if you don’t stop acting out.  What would that look like?  How does that make you feel?  Imagine your current or future marriage or relationships falling apart, your addiction escalating into behaviors that are illegal, your body ravaged by disease, the impacts on the women or men you objectify and treat as sex objects instead of people.  The addict part of yourself might say, “well that’ll never happen to me,” but anecdotal evidence says otherwise. 

Pause: do I need to remind you of the acceptance piece again to release some of the shame of recognizing the impact of your addiction?  It makes sense why you’re acting out, and there is hope for you to change.  Got it? 

Now envision your life without the addiction.  What matters to you?  What feels important to you?  What would you spend your time doing?  This may be morbid but - what do you want to be remembered for after you die?

Once you have that vision in mind, recognize that the vision you have will not happen overnight.  You can’t scale Everest in a day, and you’d almost certainly die without training.  Instead, you need to take each day at a time, each step at a time.  You need to “train” for your recovery journey by doing small, concentrated tasks that move you closer to your goals of sobriety and recovery.

Join a 12 Step group.  Choose to spend one day without acting out.  Start to exercise more or pick up a hobby that you’ve been meaning to do.  Reach out to a friend or 12 Step member when you’re feeling triggered.  Go to a therapy session.  Work on a workbook or book related to treating sex addiction.   

“You need to “train” for your recovery journey by doing small, concentrated tasks that move you closer to your goals of sobriety and recovery.”

And most important, don’t expect that you’ll be able to do this all at once.  Take it one step at a time: but be sure to take that step. 

And when you find yourself beating yourself up for not accomplishing your vision RIGHT NOW, take a step back and remind yourself of acceptance.

“My name is _______.  I am a sex addict.  I am in recovery.  I have ___ days/years/minutes/ hours of sobriety, and I choose to be sober in this moment.  I know the addiction comes from my story, and I know I am not alone.  I will focus on this task to support my recovery today: (going for a walk, reading my 12 Step literature, sending a text to my sponsor, staying focused on my work, installing a filter on my computer).  My addiction does not define me: it is not who I am.”  

Breaking Through Destructive Beliefs: How Discovering Your True Identity Transforms Recovery

Have you ever done an exercise where you’re asked to write down 10-20 adjectives that describe who you are?  This task can stir up all kinds of emotions.  Maybe it’s relatively easy for you to come up with several descriptors.  For me, I usually run out of ideas after about five or six. 

But what if the words that immediately come to mind are so negative and critical that you would never speak them aloud to someone? 

Often those hidden, negative words we wouldn’t say aloud cut to the core of who we are. These words embody the messages of shame that we either inflict upon ourselves or that we hear from others.   When we name ourselves with these words, we give them power.   

What are some of the negative labels that you apply to yourself?

For the female sex and love addict, there are plenty of labels that echo through her mind.  Whore.  Slut.  Dirty.  Easy.  Needy.  Too much.  Not enough.  These words give a glimpse of her low self-esteem with feelings of little value or worth.

For the addict, condemning herself can feel good.  Hatred toward herself or others can mask the shame that she feels.  If she can become angry at the behaviors in herself or at other people who practice them, maybe then she can force herself to stop.  Unfortunately, all the negative words she uses as a way of trying to motivate change in herself only increase her shame.  Since shame is one of the primary motivators of addictive behavior, she may instead cope with the pain by acting out more.

These shame-filled messages only increase the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and longing that drew her to the addictive behaviors in the first place.  They echo stories of trauma and pain from her past. Addictive behaviors provide a temporary relief, but they don’t solve the problem at the root: the issue of identity.

What are we to do about this?

Instead of using condemning labels and heaping shame on yourself, take a closer look at your identity.  Exploring and establishing a strong sense of personal identity is not work that can happen overnight.  It is a gradual process that is steeped in self-care, relationships, and substantial shifts in your way of thinking about yourself and others.  But If you rest in a true and authentic understanding of who you are, you are much less likely to act in ways that contradict that identity.

Here are some ways to explore your identity and have a more accurate assessment of your self-worth:

• Practice nurturing yourself. If you’ve experienced any level of trauma or pain in your childhood, you’ve likely learned ways of coping or surviving that are more destructive than helpful. Begin to practice healthy ways of coping and self-care.

• Identify what you need. Addictive behavior often stems out of a legitimate desire that either wasn’t met in childhood or earlier experiences, or that you’re feeling now. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” and look for opportunities to meet that need.

• Speak words of kindness to your vulnerable self. In the moments when you feel the weakest and in pain, your tendency may be to heap more shame upon yourself. Instead, speak to yourself with words of love and kindness.

• Make a record of your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for accomplishments – no matter how small – can uplift your self-esteem and help clarify what’s important to you. This can pave the way for identifying areas of purpose and value in your life.

• Spend time with a close friend or loved one. The people we are closest to can affirm positive aspects of ourselves to which we are blind. Ask them to name the positive qualities they see in you.

• Spend time with God or reading the Bible. As Christians, our identity is founded in Christ. When you feel desolate and alone, reflect on God’s love and grace toward you, and become more firmly rooted in how He defines you as created in His image.

As you begin to explore your identity, you’ll develop a greater understanding of who you are, what makes you feel alive, and what gives you a sense of security and confidence in yourself.  My hope for you is to remind yourself of your true identity daily.  Make a collage of these words.  Write them down.  Place these words somewhere prominent so you can see them each and every day.   Be encouraged by these reminders when the messages of shame begin to grow.

This article was originally posted on July 27, 2017.

5 Lies Female Sex and Love Addicts Believe

Jane thought tonight would be just like any other night.  She got home from work, made dinner, tucked the kids in to bed, and went upstairs to send a few work emails.  Her husband was traveling, but she was feeling good about how she kept the house from falling into chaos while he was gone.

She started out by reading through her emails, but as she began to feel more stress surrounding her responsibilities both in her family and at work, loneliness and anxiety hit.  Before she knew it, she had clicked over to a few porn websites.  Hours passed flipping through these websites in the blink of the eye before Jane fell exhausted into bed to get a few hours of sleep before the kids woke up.

When her alarm clock startled her awake in just a few short hours, feelings of dread and shame washed over her.

Why does this have such a hold on me?  I shouldn’t want this so much.  I wish I could just stop.

This chorus of internal voices is often a familiar friend to the addict.  The pull of a behavior that can’t be stopped.  The helplessness that comes with another slip or relapse.  The discrediting of victory that occurs when temptation hits once again.

These voices cut at the core of the identity of the female sex and love addict.  They can rip at her self-esteem until the only relief she can find comes in the form of acting out in her addiction again, which can provide a fleeting sense of affirmation and comfort.

But that isn’t the end of the story.

Each of these beliefs that echoes so strongly in the mind of an addict has a contrasting reality that provides an antidote to the pain associated with the negative thoughts.  In the midst of the struggle, these truths are often clouded out by shame and feel impossible to believe.  My hope is that, by reminding you of these realities, they would begin to grow louder than those critical and shaming words in your mind.

If this is an issue you struggle with, do you connect with these voices?  Do the following words sound familiar to you at all?

“This is a man’s issue.”

Media portrayals and common conversation indicate that men primarily view pornography or struggle with sex addiction.  However, research has shown that 1 in 3 visitors to porn websites is female, and that number is likely on the rise.  This dispels the myth that you are the only woman who struggles with this, and in fact, you likely know other women who share this secret struggle.

The reality: Men and women both struggle with this issue.

“I’m dirty.  I must be a [choose your own derogatory term].” 

It is a common cultural message that men are celebrated for their many sexual conquests, while women are shamed for similar sexual behavior.  This has led to a tightening of morality on women in many ways.  While that cultural message is in the process of changing, it can still be stigmatizing for a woman to admit her sexual desire.  The reality is, a woman needs to embrace her own sexuality and sexual desire as part of healing from addiction.

The reality: Sexual desire is a good and healthy response – it is what we do with desire that can derail us.

“There is something wrong with me.” 

Belief in a fundamental flaw is a common thought that occurs for women.  Combining the two lies mentioned above, the female addict can believe that there is something wrong with her for having a desire to engage in sexual behaviors.  Further stigma can come from the supposed lack of self-discipline that makes it feel difficult to stop.  Overgeneralizations and stereotypes abound that feed the flame of self-condemnation.

The reality: I am not defective.  There is no fundamental flaw in me that has caused this addiction.

“It is impossible to stop.  I’ll never be free from this addiction.” 

It is a common behavior for addicts to try their hardest to stop their behavior several times to no avail.  One basis for this difficulty is neurochemical changes that have occurred in the brain that create a sort of superhighway for your brain to travel down when triggered by your addiction.  However, those neurochemical changes don’t have to be permanent – the brain can change with deep, focused work.  Doing the work of recovery from addiction provides that deep focus that can rewire the brain to experience freedom.

The reality: This doesn’t have to last forever.  The brain wiring of addiction can be changed with focused recovery work.

“I am alone.”

This is the most insidious lie of all.  Addiction can be extremely isolating – it is an intimacy disorder after all.  All the previous lies can create a feeling for addicts that they must hide themselves, masking their struggles and pain, letting no one know of their struggles.  But this creates a cycle where addicts feel increasingly isolated because they aren’t able to connect with others who share their experience.  Reaching out to a recovery group or a trusted friend gives you a place to go with your pain.

If you’re reading this and you struggle with sex and love addiction, this is the reality I want you to hear loud and clear:

You are not alone.

This article was originally posted on February 16, 2017.

Re-Writing Your Story of Shame

What are ten words you can use to describe yourself?  We’ve often encountered this exercise in school or in the workplace.  Typically these descriptions are roles we play (mother, sister, friend) or our profession (writer, teacher, therapist).  They may include adjectives like friendly or confident.

How would this exercise change if you identify ten negative labels you associate with yourself?  It could include words you fear others think about you, or that plague your thoughts in your most anxious or insecure moments.  These words come from a place of shame within you.  Words like impostor.  Addict.  Depressed.  Alone.

You may be aware of racial or gender stereotyping you face personally or that you’ve seen others encounter.  Maybe you’ve even labeled others quickly in your own mind, not thinking of the consequences of those labels.  Labelling others is a psychological shortcut called a heuristic, which is a way our mind sorts new information so that it doesn’t tax our brain as much.  But these heuristics influence stereotypes, which have implications for performance and expectations of ourselves and others.

Labels are particularly potent in addiction.  The labels associated with addiction are often damaging and hurtful.  The words themselves don’t cause the damage: it’s the stereotypes around the behaviors or character qualities associated with the labels.

You are not defined by your diagnosis.

Take a look at this TEDx talk from Adi Jaffe about his experience with labels and shame.  (Warning: there is an instance of coarse language at the end of the talk.)

How can you take a step into “rebranding” your own shame-filled labels?

Make your mental illness your superpower.

As Jaffe noted, the stigma of his diagnosis of ADHD had the potential to limit him from achieving his goals.  Instead, he chose to see the benefits of his ADHD: it allows him to multitask and think creatively about the work he does as a psychologist.

“You might just find that your disorder is your biggest gift.”

Make a list of the gifts your addiction or mental illness has given you.  For example, addiction was a survival method that got you through past experiences of pain or harm.  Perhaps your anxiety has allowed you to plan for possible negative outcomes and have more realistic expectations.  Wrestling through depression may have given you the ability to help others who struggle with grief or sadness when others don’t understand what it feels like.  Healing from mental illness teaches you skills in self-care and emotional awareness, which can impact your coping with stress.

Talk about your mental illness.

Jaffe took a huge step of bravery in sharing his own story of cocaine addiction and rehab on the TEDx stage on the campus where he teaches.

Share your story of mental illness with someone else around you.  You’d be surprised how many people are dealing with the same thing, even though on the surface they don’t show it.  The more you talk about your unique experience of mental health issues, the broader the definition of your label becomes.  You have the power to change the way people think about depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other label that is often stereotyped and misunderstood.

Take quality care of yourself.

One of the most insidious messages people with mental illness hear is that they are somehow weak for having it, or they have brought it upon themselves.  Jaffe quotes a statistic from his study that says 75% of individuals avoid getting help because of shame, stigma, or inability to share their pain with others.  There is no reason to punish yourself for your struggles with mental health by avoiding help or thinking you just have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

Do what you need to live a healthy life, even if others perceive it as weakness.  If you consciously choose not to dictate your self-care by what others think, then those who share your label will see you as a role model and emulate your more healthy life.  Practice self-care.  See a therapist.  Take a nap, for goodness sake.  Do whatever it is you need to do to be a healthier version of yourself.

Be conscious of how you label others.

This is an area I need to be wary of as a therapist who has the power to diagnose my clients. It informs my intentional decision to approach each of my clients with a unique and individualized treatment plan.  As an example, if I start to see all of my clients with sex and love addiction as the same, they will be short-changed and not get adequate treatment for their personal needs.  I strive to see each one of my clients as a person rather than as a diagnosis and treat them accordingly.

If we deal with people by their label, we run the risk of relating to them as a concept but not a person.

Pay attention to what labels you tend to place on others you interact with day-to-day, along with stereotypes that go with each label.  Notice how you tend to make assumptions, whether right or wrong, about their behaviors or thoughts.  Give yourself grace for this – it’s literally a function of our brain that helps us to survive! But become more aware of your own stereotypes and seek to learn more about the people you label.

Find Your Power: How Your Posture Can Change Everything

I find myself curling up into a ball a lot.  I sleep in the fetal position, feel most comfortable when I’m sitting cross legged on a couch, and I love child’s pose in yoga.  I’ve always enjoyed curling up in a tight little ball, like a porcupine or turtle.

I also notice that when I’m feeling uncomfortable, ashamed, nervous, or vulnerable, I tend to curl into one of these positions.  I might bring my feet up to my chair and wrap my arms around my knees, slouch my back, or look down at my lap with my arms crossed.  I describe the feeling of shame like a hook on my navel that pulls back, causing me to close in on myself.  Someone once told me that I make myself small in these moments, both in my presence and my physical posture.

Our body language and the way we hold ourselves communicates a lot.  We notice it when we’re arguing with our spouse or facing our boss: nonverbals can often tell us more about what the other person is thinking than the words they say.  According to Amy Cuddy, author of Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges*, our physical postures don’t only communicate messages to others, but they also communicate messages to ourselves.

You may have heard of (and potentially scoffed at) the concept of power posing made popular by Amy Cuddy’s research and TED talk.  She references her research that shows evidence that taking on a powerful, open posture (like Wonder Woman) before an evaluative event, like an interview, can help you to feel more confident and present your authentic self during that interview.  Although her research has faced some criticism, I believe her basic concepts of confidence, authenticity, and presence still stand.

What I realized is that I need to address the shame and insecurity that causes me to take on the defensive and protective posture in the first place.

When listening to this TED talk, I didn’t take away that I only need to take on a physical pose to fix my insecurities.  What I realized is that I need to address the shame and insecurity that causes me to take on the defensive and protective posture in the first place.

Notice that the power posture is described by taking up more space and making yourself big.  Physically, you are opening up.  But this is not just a physical phenomenon.    When we choose to be authentic, honest, and genuine with our true selves, we are opening ourselves up to potential criticism or risk of rejection.  We are taking up space in ways that might be uncomfortable for others.  We are making sure those around us know who we are, and we are not afraid to be ourselves.

“Don’t just fake it 'til you make it.  Fake it 'til you become it.”

As women, this can feel countercultural.  Gender stereotypes about women encourage “meekness,” being quiet, sacrificing your own needs for the needs of your husband or family, and being “nice.”  In the process, we can take on a subservient posture, making ourselves small to the point that we almost feel invisible or unimportant.  I’m not surprised by Amy Cuddy’s observation that women tend to close up in that posture much more often: in many cases, we’ve been taught to do that since we were young. 

Making myself small wasn’t just a comfortable physical position.  It also hinted at areas of shame, anxiety, insecurity, and uncertainty about my ability to be truly loved.  I would make myself as small as possible not to be an inconvenience to others, whether that was physically or through keeping myself quiet and avoiding conflict or speaking my mind.

What’s interesting is that as you begin to step into a place of greater confidence, power, and certainty of your true identity, it’s not as if you’re putting on a fake persona or changing your personality.  It might feel like that at first, like a new pair of shoes that has yet to be broken in.  But as you begin to take up more space, you’ll find that you are able to be a more authentic and genuine version of yourself without hiding behind your insecurities and fears.

I had to give voice to the parts of me that had been silently screaming beneath the surface for years.  I had to learn to say “no”, and “wait”, and “I need”.

Amy shares her own story of insecurity and impostor syndrome.  She had to fight to prove to herself and everyone else around her that she deserved to be where she was.  And that was not an easy battle.  But the hard-fought battle was eventually won.

It took some serious self-reflection and change in my understanding of my own insecurities in order for me to begin to take up more space.  I had to give voice to the parts of me that had been silently screaming beneath the surface for years.  I had to learn to say “no”, and “wait”, and “I need”.  But as this shift has taken place, I feel a distinctive difference in how I approach life.  I feel confident.  I feel powerful.  I feel strong in ways I didn't think I could feel.

I’ve noticed something as I’ve started to do yoga.  Often we stand in mountain pose or recline in crescent lunge for a few breath cycles.  These poses are confident, open, and powerful postures to take on.  I know that as I am standing in these postures, focusing on my breathing, and highly aware of my body, I am feeling confident.  Do I believe that confidence extends to the rest of my day?  I can’t say for sure.  But I do know that it brings a moment of confidence and certainty to my authentic self that I wouldn’t experience if I didn’t take those strong, powerful moments.

Why Honesty Is So Important In Addiction Recovery

Did you ever lie about anything when you were a kid?  Maybe you broke your mother’s favorite vase.  Maybe you snuck out of the house in the wee hours of the night.  Or maybe you just took an extra cookie out of the cookie jar.

Check out how this kid responds to being found out.  Did this ever happen to you?

Why do you think this little boy lied about eating the sprinkles?  It’s obvious to everyone else around him that he’s lying – the evidence is right there on his face and between his teeth.  I imagine he probably felt ashamed about what he had done.  He didn’t want to be found out, and he figured that since his mother didn’t see him eating the sprinkles, she probably wouldn’t know he had done it.  I wonder if, by the end, he’d been lying about the sprinkles for so long that he actually believed he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Notice the boy’s response when his mom does confront him about the sprinkles on his face.  He continues to deny that he ate them, and he slowly backs away from her.  Have you ever done this?  When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?  I wonder if he was afraid of punishment.  Maybe he wanted to be a “good boy.”   Or maybe he worried about what his mom would think of him, if she would still love him.

When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?

This pattern of deception, denial, and eventually getting found out characterizes the stories of most sex addicts.  Addicts likely feel shame about their behaviors, so they hide from their spouses or loved ones as long as possible.  This pattern of deception continues to the point that the addict begins to believe his or her justifications for the lies, and may begin to forget or discount the consequences of his or her behavior.  Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

Eventually, addicts get found out.  Whether the shame of living in addiction eventually becomes too much, or the addict is discovered, the spouse or their friends will eventually discover how the addict’s behavior affects them.  But even after being found out, addicts often continue to hide, either through denial (which makes their spouse feel crazy) or only telling parts of their story.

Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

I recently read a memoir written by a female sex addict in which she talked about the pivotal moment of her recovery coming when she chose to be honest about a relapse.  In the past, it would’ve been easy for her to hide instead of coming clean about what she had done.  However, when she did share in the midst of her 12 Step meeting, she was met with kindness and grace from the fellow members of the group.

Honesty is the first principle tied to the 12 Step program for a reason.  There is no recovery when there is continuing deception.  We need to learn to be honest.  If we deceive ourselves and others through denial, justification, and entitlement, we will never experience healing.  We need to admit that we are powerless over our addictions in order to grow.  Chances are, someone in your accountability group or 12 Step program has probably already suspected that you might be lying or hiding information.  Just like the boy in the video, we give cues and often later realize that others knew more than we thought.

There is no recovery when there is continuing deception. 

And yet, honesty is often one of the most vulnerable places we can find ourselves in.  When we choose to be honest, particularly about behaviors or desires tied to addiction, we often are admitting flaws or areas of intense, overwhelming shame.  Shame thrives in isolation.  As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

As Brené Brown says in her TED talk about vulnerability, we must connect with others in order to move through shame.  And the only way we can connect with others is to be honest with them.  Honesty invites intimacy.  Imagine the life you could be living in freedom from your addiction.  In order to grow in this freedom, it is crucial to be honest with ourselves and with others in the process of recovery.

As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

My challenge to you this week is to be honest with someone safe in your life, like a sponsor or accountability partner.  Maybe there’s an area of your addictive behavior that feels too shameful to admit.  Maybe there’s an area you’ve been in denial about for years, and you’re starting to believe that you might be more impacted by it than you realize.  Maybe there’s a dark side to your desire that frightens you.

Open up.  Share that weakness with a trusted confidante.  It will be vulnerable, and it likely will be painful.  But as you open up with others in your life, you’ll be able to experience genuine connection, intimacy, grace, forgiveness, and love.