Breaking Through Destructive Beliefs: How Discovering Your True Identity Transforms Recovery

Have you ever done an exercise where you’re asked to write down 10-20 adjectives that describe who you are?  This task can stir up all kinds of emotions.  Maybe it’s relatively easy for you to come up with several descriptors.  For me, I usually run out of ideas after about five or six. 

But what if the words that immediately come to mind are so negative and critical that you would never speak them aloud to someone? 

Often those hidden, negative words we wouldn’t say aloud cut to the core of who we are. These words embody the messages of shame that we either inflict upon ourselves or that we hear from others.   When we name ourselves with these words, we give them power.   

What are some of the negative labels that you apply to yourself?

For the female sex and love addict, there are plenty of labels that echo through her mind.  Whore.  Slut.  Dirty.  Easy.  Needy.  Too much.  Not enough.  These words give a glimpse of her low self-esteem with feelings of little value or worth.

For the addict, condemning herself can feel good.  Hatred toward herself or others can mask the shame that she feels.  If she can become angry at the behaviors in herself or at other people who practice them, maybe then she can force herself to stop.  Unfortunately, all the negative words she uses as a way of trying to motivate change in herself only increase her shame.  Since shame is one of the primary motivators of addictive behavior, she may instead cope with the pain by acting out more.

These shame-filled messages only increase the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and longing that drew her to the addictive behaviors in the first place.  They echo stories of trauma and pain from her past. Addictive behaviors provide a temporary relief, but they don’t solve the problem at the root: the issue of identity.

What are we to do about this?

Instead of using condemning labels and heaping shame on yourself, take a closer look at your identity.  Exploring and establishing a strong sense of personal identity is not work that can happen overnight.  It is a gradual process that is steeped in self-care, relationships, and substantial shifts in your way of thinking about yourself and others.  But If you rest in a true and authentic understanding of who you are, you are much less likely to act in ways that contradict that identity.

Here are some ways to explore your identity and have a more accurate assessment of your self-worth:

• Practice nurturing yourself. If you’ve experienced any level of trauma or pain in your childhood, you’ve likely learned ways of coping or surviving that are more destructive than helpful. Begin to practice healthy ways of coping and self-care.

• Identify what you need. Addictive behavior often stems out of a legitimate desire that either wasn’t met in childhood or earlier experiences, or that you’re feeling now. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” and look for opportunities to meet that need.

• Speak words of kindness to your vulnerable self. In the moments when you feel the weakest and in pain, your tendency may be to heap more shame upon yourself. Instead, speak to yourself with words of love and kindness.

• Make a record of your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for accomplishments – no matter how small – can uplift your self-esteem and help clarify what’s important to you. This can pave the way for identifying areas of purpose and value in your life.

• Spend time with a close friend or loved one. The people we are closest to can affirm positive aspects of ourselves to which we are blind. Ask them to name the positive qualities they see in you.

• Spend time with God or reading the Bible. As Christians, our identity is founded in Christ. When you feel desolate and alone, reflect on God’s love and grace toward you, and become more firmly rooted in how He defines you as created in His image.

As you begin to explore your identity, you’ll develop a greater understanding of who you are, what makes you feel alive, and what gives you a sense of security and confidence in yourself.  My hope for you is to remind yourself of your true identity daily.  Make a collage of these words.  Write them down.  Place these words somewhere prominent so you can see them each and every day.   Be encouraged by these reminders when the messages of shame begin to grow.

This article was originally posted on July 27, 2017.

Re-Writing Your Story of Shame

What are ten words you can use to describe yourself?  We’ve often encountered this exercise in school or in the workplace.  Typically these descriptions are roles we play (mother, sister, friend) or our profession (writer, teacher, therapist).  They may include adjectives like friendly or confident.

How would this exercise change if you identify ten negative labels you associate with yourself?  It could include words you fear others think about you, or that plague your thoughts in your most anxious or insecure moments.  These words come from a place of shame within you.  Words like impostor.  Addict.  Depressed.  Alone.

You may be aware of racial or gender stereotyping you face personally or that you’ve seen others encounter.  Maybe you’ve even labeled others quickly in your own mind, not thinking of the consequences of those labels.  Labelling others is a psychological shortcut called a heuristic, which is a way our mind sorts new information so that it doesn’t tax our brain as much.  But these heuristics influence stereotypes, which have implications for performance and expectations of ourselves and others.

Labels are particularly potent in addiction.  The labels associated with addiction are often damaging and hurtful.  The words themselves don’t cause the damage: it’s the stereotypes around the behaviors or character qualities associated with the labels.

You are not defined by your diagnosis.

Take a look at this TEDx talk from Adi Jaffe about his experience with labels and shame.  (Warning: there is an instance of coarse language at the end of the talk.)

How can you take a step into “rebranding” your own shame-filled labels?

Make your mental illness your superpower.

As Jaffe noted, the stigma of his diagnosis of ADHD had the potential to limit him from achieving his goals.  Instead, he chose to see the benefits of his ADHD: it allows him to multitask and think creatively about the work he does as a psychologist.

“You might just find that your disorder is your biggest gift.”

Make a list of the gifts your addiction or mental illness has given you.  For example, addiction was a survival method that got you through past experiences of pain or harm.  Perhaps your anxiety has allowed you to plan for possible negative outcomes and have more realistic expectations.  Wrestling through depression may have given you the ability to help others who struggle with grief or sadness when others don’t understand what it feels like.  Healing from mental illness teaches you skills in self-care and emotional awareness, which can impact your coping with stress.

Talk about your mental illness.

Jaffe took a huge step of bravery in sharing his own story of cocaine addiction and rehab on the TEDx stage on the campus where he teaches.

Share your story of mental illness with someone else around you.  You’d be surprised how many people are dealing with the same thing, even though on the surface they don’t show it.  The more you talk about your unique experience of mental health issues, the broader the definition of your label becomes.  You have the power to change the way people think about depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other label that is often stereotyped and misunderstood.

Take quality care of yourself.

One of the most insidious messages people with mental illness hear is that they are somehow weak for having it, or they have brought it upon themselves.  Jaffe quotes a statistic from his study that says 75% of individuals avoid getting help because of shame, stigma, or inability to share their pain with others.  There is no reason to punish yourself for your struggles with mental health by avoiding help or thinking you just have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

Do what you need to live a healthy life, even if others perceive it as weakness.  If you consciously choose not to dictate your self-care by what others think, then those who share your label will see you as a role model and emulate your more healthy life.  Practice self-care.  See a therapist.  Take a nap, for goodness sake.  Do whatever it is you need to do to be a healthier version of yourself.

Be conscious of how you label others.

This is an area I need to be wary of as a therapist who has the power to diagnose my clients. It informs my intentional decision to approach each of my clients with a unique and individualized treatment plan.  As an example, if I start to see all of my clients with sex and love addiction as the same, they will be short-changed and not get adequate treatment for their personal needs.  I strive to see each one of my clients as a person rather than as a diagnosis and treat them accordingly.

If we deal with people by their label, we run the risk of relating to them as a concept but not a person.

Pay attention to what labels you tend to place on others you interact with day-to-day, along with stereotypes that go with each label.  Notice how you tend to make assumptions, whether right or wrong, about their behaviors or thoughts.  Give yourself grace for this – it’s literally a function of our brain that helps us to survive! But become more aware of your own stereotypes and seek to learn more about the people you label.

What's In a Name? How Discovering Who You Truly Are Can Transform Recovery

Have you ever done the exercise where you’re asked to write down 10-20 adjectives that describe who you are?  This task can stir up all kinds of emotions.  Maybe it’s relatively easy for you to come up with several descriptors.  For me, I usually run out of ideas after about five or six. 

But what if the words that immediately come to mind are so negative and critical that you would never speak them aloud to someone? 

Often those hidden, negative words we wouldn’t say aloud cut to the core of who we are. These words embody the messages of shame that we either inflict upon ourselves or that we hear from others.   When we name ourselves with these words, we give them power.   

What are some of the negative labels that you apply to yourself?

For the female sex and love addict, there are plenty of labels that echo through her mind.  Whore.  Slut.  Dirty.  Easy.  Needy.  Too much.  Not enough.  These words give a glimpse of her low self-esteem with feelings of little value or worth.

For the addict, condemning herself can feel good.  Hatred toward herself or others can mask the shame that she feels.  If she can become angry at the behaviors in herself or at other people who practice them, maybe then she can force herself to stop.  Unfortunately, all the negative words she uses as a way of trying to motivate change in herself only increase her shame.  Since shame is one of the primary motivators of addictive behavior, she may instead cope with the pain by acting out more.

These shame-filled messages only increase the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and longing that drew her to the addictive behaviors in the first place.  They echo stories of trauma and pain from her past. Addictive behaviors provide a temporary relief, but they don’t solve the problem at the root: the issue of identity.

What are we to do about this?

Instead of using condemning labels and heaping shame on yourself, take a closer look at your identity.  Exploring and establishing a strong sense of personal identity is not work that can happen overnight.  It is a gradual process that is steeped in self-care, relationships, and substantial shifts in your way of thinking about yourself and others.  But If you rest in a true and authentic understanding of who you are, you are much less likely to act in ways that contradict that identity.

Here are some ways to explore your identity and have a more accurate assessment of your self-worth:

• Practice nurturing yourself. If you’ve experienced any level of trauma or pain in your childhood, you’ve likely learned ways of coping or surviving that are more destructive than helpful. Begin to practice healthy ways of coping and self-care.

• Identify what you need. Addictive behavior often stems out of a legitimate desire that either wasn’t met in childhood or earlier experiences, or that you’re feeling now. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” and look for opportunities to meet that need.

• Speak words of kindness to your vulnerable self. In the moments when you feel the weakest and in pain, your tendency may be to heap more shame upon yourself. Instead, speak to yourself with words of love and kindness.

• Make a record of your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for accomplishments – no matter how small – can uplift your self-esteem and help clarify what’s important to you. This can pave the way for identifying areas of purpose and value in your life.

• Spend time with a close friend or loved one. The people we are closest to can affirm positive aspects of ourselves to which we are blind. Ask them to name the positive qualities they see in you.

• Spend time with God or reading the Bible. As Christians, our identity is founded in Christ. When you feel desolate and alone, reflect on God’s love and grace toward you, and become more firmly rooted in how He defines you as created in His image.

As you begin to explore your identity, you’ll develop a greater understanding of who you are, what makes you feel alive, and what gives you a sense of security and confidence in yourself.  My hope for you is to remind yourself of your true identity daily.  Make a collage of these words.  Write them down.  Place these words somewhere prominent so you can see them each and every day.   Be encouraged by these reminders when the messages of shame begin to grow.