Defusion of Distressing Thoughts: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

How many thoughts would you guess pass through your mind in a single day? Let’s imagine you’re out to eat with a friend.  Even with your best intentions to stay present and listen, there’s a running commentary going on in your mind.  What are some of the thoughts you might have?  I wonder what she’s thinking of me.  Should I have said that?  I sound like an idiot. I’m still so angry from that meeting with my boss this morning.   He’s so overbearing and impossible to work with.  What am I forgetting from my grocery list?  I’m so forgetful, I must be losing my mind.

Needless to say, these thoughts pull you out of the moment and make it more challenging to listen. You might find yourself censoring what you say out of insecurity, comparing yourself to your friend, or even cutting your lunch date short to get back to the office quickly because you’re feeling stressed.

What’s happening?

When you find yourself stuck in your thoughts, you’re likely dealing with cognitive fusion, another destructive mental strategy that acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) addresses.  When we’re in cognitive fusion, we believe that the workings of our internal mind (thoughts, memories, images, reasoning, comparisons, etc.) are true and real, such that we allow them to influence our behaviors.  Our thought patterns have power and control over our lives and seem to make our decisions for us.

Often these thoughts include cognitive distortions, like catastrophizing or all-or-nothing thinking.  They can include negative self-talk or beliefs about yourself that you hold to tightly based on past experiences.  When we believe these things, they become self-fulfilling prophecies.  For example, our fears of being awkward contribute to social anxiety or discomfort.  We then avoid social situations to try to manage the uncomfortable feelings that coincide with them, adding to the dynamics of experiential avoidance that lead us to disengage rather than live out what is important to us.

There are several different types of cognitive fusion that we may face.  They include:

• Rules: “shoulds” for self or others, ways the world or people “ought” to work or be.  Example: People should always be kind and respectful.

• “I” stories: identity-based statements about ourselves that become self-definitions and self-fulfilling prophecies.  Example: I’m always late.

• Judgments/evaluations: beliefs about what is fair vs. unfair, good vs. bad, or right vs. wrong.  Example: It’s unfair that I keep getting passed over for the promotion.

• Meaning-making/reasons: justifying what I do or looking for the answer to the “why?” question to explain what happens.  Example: I’m single because I’m so socially awkward and unattractive.

• Worries about the past/future: overfocus on the past or anxiety about the future that pulls us out of the present moment. Example: How am I ever going to pass that exam next Friday?

• “You/They” stories/comparison: beliefs about others that become self-fulfilling prophecies, particularly as they relate to us. Example: She’s better than I am at everything.

Cognitive fusion is a problem because our thoughts and feelings then run our lives for us and toss us around at every whim of our minds.  Yes, thoughts can feel very powerful.  Memories that pop up as flashbacks, ingrained patterns of meaning that carry shame, and automatic responses that elicit strong emotions can feel crippling at times.

Yet it is important to recognize that, though these thoughts can feel powerful and real, they may not have as much power as we think.

What is defusion?

Consider the image of defusing a bomb, as in an action movie.  In order for the hero to save the day, they must somehow disconnect the power this ticking time bomb has in order to keep it from destroying its target.

Similarly, our thoughts act as ticking time bombs that can unleash an explosion of painful thoughts and emotions, followed by destructive behaviors that lead us away from our values.  We can defuse the thoughts by removing the charge that sets them off: the automatic behavioral reaction that comes after the thoughts.  We do this by observing our thoughts from a place of distance rather than getting caught up in the storm they create in our minds.

The previous two concepts we’ve discussed in this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy series are essential building blocks to support this defusion.  Defusion helps us to practice acceptance to willingly encounter painful thoughts and feelings, rather than running away or avoiding experiences we find uncomfortable.  It is also essential for us to remain in the present moment in order to be aware of these thoughts from the role of an observer.

Principles

Thoughts are just thoughts.

Thoughts do not have the power to control your life.  You can have a thought come into your mind, but choose to act in a way that is different from your default response to the thought.  They do not have to control what you do.

Thoughts don’t last forever.

We find some surprising results when we pay attention to how many varied thoughts we have in a day.  To test this, sit quietly in a room with a pad of paper and write down every thought that pops into your head for 5 minutes.  When you’ve completed that list, count how many thoughts you had and multiply that number by 192 to create an estimate of how many thoughts you have in a day.  Recognizing that your thought patterns are fleeting and eventually come to an end can reduce their power.

How we relate to our thoughts is more important than the content of the thoughts.

ACT approaches thoughts differently from a traditional cognitive-behavioral approach, which places emphasis on understanding and changing the content of your automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  While reframing thoughts can be beneficial for some people, ACT theory emphasizes that our thoughts are powerful because we assign that power to them.  Rather than attempting to change a thought that may not be changed very easily, it is more effective to defuse the power of those thoughts.

This approach is helpful if you have tried to change the way you think about yourself or others for a long time, but aren’t finding those changes sticking.  Rather than continuing to try to force a change, allow the thought to be present, but reduce its power by taking an observer role and acting in accordance with your values instead.

Thoughts, emotions, meaning-making, memories, images, and other internal experiences are just products of the mind.

These internal workings don’t have any greater meaning than that.  They don’t have the power to force us to behave in any particular way, despite the fact that we may believe they do. 

At the same time, we can choose situations in which we want our thoughts to have an influence over our behaviors.  We can choose to engage the thoughts that move us more toward what is important to us.  In this way, we’re not eliminating the power of our thoughts entirely, but making an intentional decision of how much power we want to give to those thoughts.

Practices

Keep a record of your thoughts.

Listen to and track your thoughts, noticing whether they carry a positive, negative, or neutral charge.  Identify if there are any strong emotions that go alongside them.  Notice what behaviors flow naturally out of your thoughts and emotions.  Are those behaviors you want to be engaging in?  Or are they impulsive, reactive, automatic responses?  You can find a helpful tracking tool for this step here.

Affirm your role as an observer of your internal world.

After recording your thoughts, you are in a better position to recognize and notice thought patterns as they come up.  When you have a distressing, painful, or challenging thought, see what happens when you intentionally remind yourself of the phrase, “thoughts are just thoughts.”  How does it impact the power of that thought?

Similarly, you could label your internal experience as if you were an outside observer with words like, “I’m having the thought…” or “I’m having the emotion…”. Another strategy is to imagine your thoughts being played on a radio or told as a story outside of yourself.

Visualize the thoughts passing by.

Often we fixate on our thoughts, which gives them the illusion of power.  We obsess over them or attempt to stop them from coming up, which just entrenches them more deeply in our minds.  Instead, use this commonly practiced mindfulness technique: instead of trying to control, change, alter, or rid yourself of your thoughts, just notice them passing by.  Using a visual cue, like imagining thoughts like cars passing on the street or clouds floating by in the sky, can help you to allow them to pass through your awareness without giving them undue attention.  You’ll notice that your thoughts don’t need to command your focus all the time, but that they can come and go.

Write the thought down and look at it regularly.

If you notice a pattern to your distressing thoughts, such as a repeated phrase or belief that feels like it controls you, take that thought and write it down on something you can carry with you, such as a notecard or post-it note.  Throughout your day, pull out the note with your thought on it and read through it.  Notice how it feels when you look at it.  See yourself as an outside observer of that thought.

Notice how the relationship you have to the thought changes.  The words on the paper do not change, but the way you interact with them will differ at various points throughout the day.  This is a good indicator of the importance not of the content of the thought, but of how you relate to it.

Imagine a common situation influenced by this thought, but with a different outcome.

Choose this thought you’ve written on the card, another common thought pattern you’ve identified, or an image or memory that tends to impact your behaviors.  Now imagine yourself having that thought, but making a different decision about how to respond to it.  What behavior might line up better with what is important to you?  What would change?  How would an outside observer see you?  Would it be possible to act in a different way while still having the thought?

Take a risk and put your different outcome into practice.

Now put into practice this shift in behavior in response to your thought.  Release the thought using a statement like, “thoughts are just thoughts,” and take a risk to act in a way that aligns with what is important to you.  For example, if you’re in a social situation with the thought, “I’m too awkward to talk to people like them,” take a risk by engaging in conversation with one of those feared individuals.

Recognize that this will not eliminate the thoughts.  In fact, taking the risk may even intensify your discomfort.  But this practice of stepping out and making a change in your behavior while still experiencing the uncomfortable thoughts can teach you that your thoughts don’t have the power you think they do. You still have control over your own actions such that you can respond to challenging circumstances in alignment with your values.

Practicing Acceptance: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

Tell me if you’ve had a day like this one: you’re in your car on the way to work.  The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and the road is clear…until you hit the freeway and traffic comes to a standstill.  You’re slightly annoyed, as you don’t want to be late for your meeting at the beginning of the workday.  Suddenly, a car whips in front of you, nearly hitting your front bumper.  Your anger skyrockets.  You might yell some curse words or make a rude gesture at the driver.  By the time you arrive at work 15 minutes late for your meeting, your day is ruined.  You may think to yourself, “why do I always do this?  There’s no reason to get this worked up about traffic.”

We began this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy series with an overview of ACT’s purpose: to approach all situations and circumstances with an eye toward personal values and committed actions in alignment with those values.  The first concept discussed was contact with the present moment, which requires staying in tune with your sensations, thoughts, and emotions in any given part of your day.  But what happens when those internal experiences are frustrating or overwhelming?

Acceptance

The next concept of ACT is so crucial to this theory that it makes its way into the name: acceptance.  As humans, we often attempt to avoid or control our pain. In so doing, our creativity and perspective become narrowed, and we are disconnected from what is important to us.  Our interpretation of events magnifies our pain and disrupts our daily life. 

When we resist acknowledging the painful realities that exist in our internal world and our external experiences (circumstances, other people, relationships, etc), we create tension that interferes with taking action and causes us to feel stuck.  In his book Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the creator of ACT called this experiential avoidance, defining it as “efforts to control or avoid private experiences (eg. sensations, emotions, thoughts, memories, urges) when doing so is ineffective, unnecessary, or contrary to living a meaningful life.” 

Why We Need Acceptance

It makes sense that we would act in ways that attempt to protect us from pain.  But often the end results of our self-protection are consequences and disconnection from our values.  And trying to force our internal world to change doesn’t always work.  We can’t force ourselves to feel a certain way, we can’t suppress our urges for very long, and our thoughts arise automatically.

In the same vein, it is impossible to control things that are outside of ourselves, as much as we may try.  We cannot force someone to love us, change others’ thoughts or experiences, or control how bad traffic is on any given day.

In addiction recovery, addicts often find that trying to suppress their urges to act out or use their drug of choice end up backfiring.  Similarly, denial of the reality of harm done by their addiction in relationships can lead to the dissolution of those relationships and more severe consequences than if reality was accepted and acknowledged in the first place.

What Acceptance Is…and Isn’t

We need to practice acceptance in order to thrive and create the life we want.  But what does acceptance look like on a daily basis?  It requires taking the role of an observer of both your internal world and external circumstances to see things as they are without judgment, removing any labels like “good” or “bad.”

But acceptance is not the same thing as settling or resigning yourself to your fate.  Settling is a passive response: putting up with their circumstance without any hope of taking action.  Often, those who feel they have settled carry some degree of anger or resentment, even if it is buried beneath the surface. They feel stuck in a situation they don’t want, and it seems impossible to change.

We think acceptance means a barren life, but the opposite is actually true.  Acceptance is not a resignation or giving up, and it doesn’t require you to like the situation in which you find yourself.  In fact, acceptance leads the way to change.  In order to change what isn’t working, we must first accept the reality of what is.

Principles

Suffering is universal and unavoidable.

None of us can go through life without pain.  Pain will be there whether we accept it or not.  Many of our efforts to avoid or control pain end up creating more harm for ourselves or others, in such forms as addiction or relational disengagement.  Accepting the reality that we will experience pain can help us prepare for it and be conscious of it when it happens, rather than being taken by surprise, believing that we should always be happy, or expecting that we will think positive thoughts all the time.

Observe negative thoughts or painful emotions without attempts to change them.

One recent study showed that repeating positive self-statements did not have a positive effect on those with low self-esteem, but rather left them feeling worse.  Attempts to avoid pain by forcing positive thoughts actually had a negative effect on those individuals.

According to ACT theory, attempts to change negative thoughts or painful emotions only exacerbate the pain and don’t allow for acceptance.  This principle exists in contrast to more traditional cognitive theories, like cognitive-behavioral therapy, that encourage reframing or changing thought patterns.  ACT also contrasts the cultural message that if you’re struggling with negative thoughts or painful feelings, you must not be trying hard enough to get better.

Often in acknowledging these thoughts and emotions and letting go of the need to change them, you can experience a greater peace as you become an observer rather than a controller of your experience.

Open up to what shows up. 

Acceptance is characterized by a mindset of openness, both to circumstances outside of yourself and your internal response to those circumstances.  It involves a willingness to engage and receive whatever comes, whether it is painful or joyful.  We choose to engage with the feelings and circumstances that we would rather avoid, moving closer to them in an attempt to grow toward thriving in a meaningful life.

Foster creative hopelessness.

As you’ve made attempts to cope with painful emotions and circumstances, you’ve probably noticed that your coping strategies have varied levels of impact.  However, one thing you’ll likely see is that none of your coping strategies eliminate pain forever.  Even if it is a temporary fix, the pain will come back at some point.

Creative hopelessness comes when we recognize that none of the things we do to try to change our internal or external worlds actually eliminates pain.  Many of our attempts to do so are futile in the long term, even if they provide temporary relief.  Acknowledging this reality means that we can begin to explore more creative strategies about how to live out our values. 

Practices

Observe your thoughts, feelings, and urges intentionally.

Sit in a comfortable position and set a timer for five minutes.  During that time, observe any thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, or urges that float through your mind and body.  As you’re doing this, recognize that there is no need to change them, but simply to observe them.  Notice how long they take to work their way through your system or if they repeat or resurface.  Notice any impulses you have to suppress or push them away.

The purpose of this observation time is not to clear your mind, but instead to watch your mind and body and catch what comes through you.  There is no judgment of these thoughts as “good” or “bad,” but rather an impartial awareness. 

List experiences you are avoiding.

Make a list of any experiences, both internal and external, from which you are trying to stay away.   Maybe it’s an emotion, like anger, that comes with an urge toward violence or lashing out verbally.  Perhaps it’s a belief you have about yourself like, “There must be something wrong with me.  I’m so stupid.”  Maybe it’s an uncomfortable social situation where you tend to feel shame or embarrassment.  Usually, these avoided experiences are those that create some form of pain in your life, whether due to an internal cause or a circumstance outside of yourself.

Identify attempts to control, avoid, or influence painful experiences.

Make a list of behaviors you do to try to control or influence your circumstances, reduce discomfort, and/or avoid pain.  More obvious behaviors are external, such as going for a walk or binge-watching TV.  But also include those behaviors that are internal, such as suppressing thoughts or overanalyzing your emotions.  This list can include both self-destructive or harmful behaviors as well as supportive coping behaviors.

Now ask yourself: do any of these internal or external coping behaviors eliminate pain completely?  Do they make it so that pain will never come back?  Or do they provide only temporary relief within the larger context of life?  Chances are, you’ll find that no behavior can completely erase the experience of pain.

Dig deeper into your behaviors.

Look back at the list you just created and notice patterns of behaviors that help you avoid or control pain.  Ask yourself: what would happen if I did not carry out these behaviors?  What thoughts, feelings, urges, memories, or sensations would be left?  What, in essence, am I avoiding?

Similarly, you might ask yourself what function the behaviors serve.  How do they work for you, and why do you keep going back to them? 

Evaluate the function of your avoidant behaviors.

It is important to acknowledge and validate your process of avoidance so that you don’t begin to shame yourself for your behavioral response.  We will never fully eliminate the urge to control pain with these behaviors, so seek to understand and accept your coping behaviors with kindness and compassion.

One way to recognize a behavior’s function over time is to track the ways in which you avoid pain in the upcoming week. Notice how that goes.  Recognize how different behaviors work or don’t work for you, and notice where avoidance gets in the way of value-based living.

Slow down and acknowledge.

Practice slowing down to acknowledge a painful internal experience.  Use the prompts in the first observation practice to connect to your body and mind as you consider a painful moment.  Can you survive the temporary feeling of pain?  Often we think we can’t handle or survive a painful emotion or experience, but reality tells a different story. 

Then imagine holding that internal experience in your awareness while also doing something that is important to you.  Is it possible to be acting in a way that is in accordance with your values while also feeling pain?  Can you feel a certain way, have a memory resurface, or think a painful thought and still show up how you want in life?  Can you exist and thrive with these thoughts, feelings, urges, sensations, and memories still being present?  Imagine yourself doing so and see what comes up.

Performance vs. Personhood: Battling Perfectionism in Finding Your Value and Worth

We live in a culture that tells us that our value and worth come from status symbols and outward signs of success.  These status markers show up in distinct ways: an expensive car, a leadership position at work, a vast number of social media followers, the approval of our friends and family, the number of hours we’ve worked in the past week, our grade point average, how many games we’ve won, how many publications our names are on…the list could go on.  Consider for yourself: what are your personal signs of success?

These symbols aren’t necessarily a bad thing in and of themselves.  Often, they signify good goals for which to strive.  But when your internal value or worth as a human being hinges upon achieving these goals or reaching a certain status marker, then you set yourself up for anxiety, pressure, discouragement, and eventual disappointment.

A mistaken belief that underlies desire for status or power is that your value or worth as a person comes from what you do or how well you do it.  Endless pursuit of these symbols of achievement without satisfaction are a hallmark of perfectionism. “Type A” personalities and prestigious academic settings with high achieving students are examples of where this mindset thrives.  People who define themselves by a certain career path or role in life can be devastated by job loss or perceived failure.

What are some signs that you might be defining yourself by your performance?

• Experiencing intense anxiety or fear around activities or situations in which you might be on display

• Feeling devastated by constructive criticism

• Excessive worry about losing your job, promotion, GPA, or position in some area of your life

• Believing that you are worthless without your status symbol

• Feelings of failure or believing that you are a failure

• Constant comparison with others where you find yourself lacking

• Staying busy doing things so you feel good about yourself, even though you’re feeling burned out and exhausted

• Trying to prove yourself in some way to others

This overemphasis on finding value or worth in what we achieve creates people who are beaten down by their life experiences, dealing with clinical levels of anxiety or depression that discourage them and make their attempts to achieve even more difficult.  Instead of encouraging you to improve or creating a drive to do better, the negative thought patterns that come with perfectionism and a performance-based identity lead to discouragement and a lack of motivation.

What are some of those thought patterns that are associated with placing your value and worth in your achievement and success? 

Performance-Based Belief Systems

If I can’t do this, I am bad (won’t be loved, will be rejected, will be alone).

This belief ties your identity as a person to your ability to achieve, connecting to the belief that love or respect of others will be taken away if you fail.  You may feel like all of your actions are on display to be judged and found lacking by others.  These fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to feel pressure to always do the right thing, which eventually becomes impossible.

How does he/she do it all?

Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself can lead you to see others as more competent or capable than you are. A sign of comparison to others is believing that you “should” be able to do as much as someone else and a belief that you are “less than” because you can’t.

I feel good because I was able to achieve ____.

Even though this thought looks positive at the start, it actually hints at the presence of a performance-based value or worth.  What happens if you don’t achieve that in the future?  What happens when you do fail?  Does that influence your belief in your inherent worth or value?

If I’m not a perfect (mom/employee/boss/student), then I’m worthless.

It is impossible to be perfect, and perfection does not equal worth.  Like the comparison-based belief above, this thought indicates setting a standard far above and beyond what is needed.  We all make mistakes and are imperfect as part of our nature, but that doesn’t make us worthless.

How to Respond to Performance-Based Beliefs

Focus on your personality instead of your achievements.

Instead of basing your worth on the things you do or achieve, list different aspects of your personality that you like.  This may prove difficult, as you might slip into what is familiar: listing positive things that you do.  Alternatively, you could find yourself stalling out after a short list and descend into more self-critical thinking.  Allow this process to take time, as chances are you’re not accustomed to speaking to yourself in kind and affirming language.

Shut off the comparison trap.

Limit your time on social media.  Pay attention to your thoughts about others and rather than feeling jealous or comparing yourself to them, ask yourself how you can be grateful for that person’s role in your life.  Remember that often you are comparing your insides (your doubts, fears, anxieties, perceived failures) to someone else’s outsides (what they post online).   It may be time to unfollow certain people on social media if you find that their posts stir up too much of this comparison dynamic in you.

Consider the impact of your past.

Our past experiences influence the way we view ourselves and the world around us.  How might they be influencing your thinking?  Look for moments where you first felt perfectionism or a need for success most strongly.  Why was success important for you in your past?  What happened when you didn’t succeed?  Did you have an overly critical parent, teacher, or other adult figure in your life?  How might they have influenced you?

Ask yourself how you’d treat others.

Identify people in your life who have  made mistakes, but of whom you don’t think negatively.  What makes those people different from you?  We are our own harshest critics.  In many cases, we would never talk to a friend or loved one the way we talk to ourselves.  For many of us, we wouldn’t consider seeing someone else as worthless or without value because they’ve made mistakes.

Alternatively, you might notice that you are critical or judgmental of others when they make mistakes.  Often having high standards for yourself means you expect others to meet those high standards too.  Consider how it might feel to release those standards and be free of the disappointment and anger associated with both your and others’ mistakes.

Act out of your values.

Performance-based thinking often comes with a list of “shoulds.” Living by these “shoulds” is a setup for failure, because you’ll never be able to meet them to your level of satisfaction.  The standard will constantly get higher: you may achieve one part of your “should,” but it won’t be enough.

Instead, focus on your core values.  Examples include integrity, love, health, creativity, support, generosity, personal growth, etc.  Ask yourself what is important to you at your core, not what other people think should be your values.  When you know what our personal values are, that leads the way to choose value-based actions that aren’t driven by trying to prove yourself, but instead are driven by who you are.

A Christian Perspective

If you are of the Christian faith, church involvement and service can become another way in which you tie your value to your performance.  Striving to be a “good Christian” or to “do the right thing for Jesus” might be ways these beliefs shift to meet a Christian lifestyle.

The desire to serve God by itself is not a bad thing: in its best form, it comes from wanting to respond to the love of God we have received. But other times, the motivation for this service is based in a faulty theology of God.  It sees God as a taskmaster demanding obedience, rather than a generous and kind Father who loves you so unconditionally that He will welcome you home even when you fail miserably (see Luke 15:11-32 and Romans 5:8).

Our value and worth as Christians does not come from our activities, performance, or actions.  Whenever we say we’re trying to be a “good Christian,” that denies our powerlessness to be good on our own apart from God.  We are only able to offer out of what we’ve already been given (see Ephesians 2:8-10). 

In the Christian life, our primary identity is not defined by how “good” we are or how perfectly we follow the rules.  We are first and most essentially children of God, beloved, secure, and cared for by our Father.  When that is our identity rather than what we do, we are much more likely to be at peace with ourselves and be able to act out of our values instead of trying to earn God’s favor or love.  You already have God’s favor just by being His child!  There is no more that can be done to make God love you more or less (Romans 8:38-39).

Breaking Through Destructive Beliefs: How Discovering Your True Identity Transforms Recovery

Have you ever done an exercise where you’re asked to write down 10-20 adjectives that describe who you are?  This task can stir up all kinds of emotions.  Maybe it’s relatively easy for you to come up with several descriptors.  For me, I usually run out of ideas after about five or six. 

But what if the words that immediately come to mind are so negative and critical that you would never speak them aloud to someone? 

Often those hidden, negative words we wouldn’t say aloud cut to the core of who we are. These words embody the messages of shame that we either inflict upon ourselves or that we hear from others.   When we name ourselves with these words, we give them power.   

What are some of the negative labels that you apply to yourself?

For the female sex and love addict, there are plenty of labels that echo through her mind.  Whore.  Slut.  Dirty.  Easy.  Needy.  Too much.  Not enough.  These words give a glimpse of her low self-esteem with feelings of little value or worth.

For the addict, condemning herself can feel good.  Hatred toward herself or others can mask the shame that she feels.  If she can become angry at the behaviors in herself or at other people who practice them, maybe then she can force herself to stop.  Unfortunately, all the negative words she uses as a way of trying to motivate change in herself only increase her shame.  Since shame is one of the primary motivators of addictive behavior, she may instead cope with the pain by acting out more.

These shame-filled messages only increase the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and longing that drew her to the addictive behaviors in the first place.  They echo stories of trauma and pain from her past. Addictive behaviors provide a temporary relief, but they don’t solve the problem at the root: the issue of identity.

What are we to do about this?

Instead of using condemning labels and heaping shame on yourself, take a closer look at your identity.  Exploring and establishing a strong sense of personal identity is not work that can happen overnight.  It is a gradual process that is steeped in self-care, relationships, and substantial shifts in your way of thinking about yourself and others.  But If you rest in a true and authentic understanding of who you are, you are much less likely to act in ways that contradict that identity.

Here are some ways to explore your identity and have a more accurate assessment of your self-worth:

• Practice nurturing yourself. If you’ve experienced any level of trauma or pain in your childhood, you’ve likely learned ways of coping or surviving that are more destructive than helpful. Begin to practice healthy ways of coping and self-care.

• Identify what you need. Addictive behavior often stems out of a legitimate desire that either wasn’t met in childhood or earlier experiences, or that you’re feeling now. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” and look for opportunities to meet that need.

• Speak words of kindness to your vulnerable self. In the moments when you feel the weakest and in pain, your tendency may be to heap more shame upon yourself. Instead, speak to yourself with words of love and kindness.

• Make a record of your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for accomplishments – no matter how small – can uplift your self-esteem and help clarify what’s important to you. This can pave the way for identifying areas of purpose and value in your life.

• Spend time with a close friend or loved one. The people we are closest to can affirm positive aspects of ourselves to which we are blind. Ask them to name the positive qualities they see in you.

• Spend time with God or reading the Bible. As Christians, our identity is founded in Christ. When you feel desolate and alone, reflect on God’s love and grace toward you, and become more firmly rooted in how He defines you as created in His image.

As you begin to explore your identity, you’ll develop a greater understanding of who you are, what makes you feel alive, and what gives you a sense of security and confidence in yourself.  My hope for you is to remind yourself of your true identity daily.  Make a collage of these words.  Write them down.  Place these words somewhere prominent so you can see them each and every day.   Be encouraged by these reminders when the messages of shame begin to grow.

This article was originally posted on July 27, 2017.