The Types of Thoughts that Keep You Stuck and How to Combat Them

So much of our day-to-day life is impacted by our thoughts, whether we’re aware of them or not.  Our interpretation of events as filtered through our thoughts influences how we experience the world around us.  What we believe about ourselves can affect our confidence, for better or for worse.  How we perceive others can lead to connection or conflict.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, is one of the most common treatment methods in mental health counseling.  One of the central principles to the CBT approach is a recognition of the power of thoughts, or cognitions, to impact our emotional well-being and our behaviors and choices. 

When a situation occurs, your response to that situation typically involves three things: thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  You might more easily identify your emotional response or how you react behaviorally. What CBT points out is how emotions and behaviors are influenced by your thoughts, or interpretation, of the event.

Since the thoughts you have in response to a situation are the catalyst to emotional distress and destructive behaviors, targeting these thoughts can be a game-changer in improving your overall mental well-being.

Three Types of Thoughts

There are three layers of thoughts that influence emotions and behavior as identified in the cognitive-behavioral model: automatic thoughts, intermediate beliefs, and core beliefs.

Automatic Thoughts

Automatic thoughts are situation-specific thoughts that pop into your head.  They’re referred to as “automatic” because they largely arise from subconscious awareness – you aren’t choosing actively to have those thoughts.  They might be positive, negative, or neutral in tone.

For example, let’s imagine you received critical feedback on a project you completed for work.  A positive automatic thought in response to this might be, “That was a tough project, but I know I have the skills to implement the changes they suggested next time.”  On the other hand, a negative automatic thought might be, “I can’t believe I missed those details.  I worked so hard on this project. Why do I always mess things up?” 

You probably aren’t aware of many of your automatic thoughts because they happen so frequently and quickly.  While some of these thoughts are distorted or influenced by your core beliefs or intermediate beliefs (defined below), you aren’t likely to question these thoughts naturally.  However, you can learn to become more aware of them and implement strategies to evaluate the accuracy of these thoughts.

Intermediate Beliefs

Intermediate beliefs exist as a mediator between automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  These are personal perceptions of how things work that influence how you interpret the current situation.  They can be rules, assumptions, “shoulds,” or attitudes that apply to a variety of situations with a broader reach. 

Let’s take a look at the automatic thoughts from above (“I can’t believe I missed those details; why do I always mess things up?”) to illustrate examples of the types of intermediate beliefs.  Perhaps your reaction is intensified by a rule, such as, “I should be perfect.”  Or maybe you have the assumption, “Weak people make mistakes.”  A conditional, “if…then…” belief might sound like, “if I succeed at work, then I will be okay.”

These beliefs not always explicitly stated, but can be held internally. They form as our brains try to make sense of what we observe in the environment around us from a young age.  We learn these beliefs from what we observe in our families-of-origin, our experiences, our relationships, and elsewhere.  These beliefs serve a purpose: they protect us from the deeper core beliefs that are often more painful and scary.

Core Beliefs/Schemas

Core beliefs are rigid, deeply rooted beliefs about yourself, others, or the world.  They are heavily based in past experiences, often beginning in childhood, and they can be reinforced by trauma.  Schemas are a series of interconnected core beliefs that form a mental framework to organize information. These core beliefs and schemas aren’t activated in every moment of life, but once they become activated, they have a strong influence on your emotional well-being. 

Some examples of core beliefs that might be at play in the work situation are, “I’m a failure.”  “I’m not good enough.”  “I don’t have what it takes.” “I’m weak.”

Core beliefs are a filter through which you see the world.  You observe and remember evidence that serves to confirm these beliefs, and you ignore evidence that doesn’t fit.  You may even find yourself creating situations for yourself that reinforce these beliefs as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Or you may re-write positive information that doesn’t fit in with your schema or core belief to fit the negative belief (ie. “They gave me a compliment BUT they must have just felt bad for me because I’m so ugly.”)

How to Respond to These Beliefs

When you recognize these distressing beliefs, you can begin to change your pattern of thinking.  Remind yourself that these beliefs are not absolute truth, as much as they may feel that way while you’re having them.  You can pause and question the thoughts, reminding yourself of reality.

First, trace your automatic thought through the intermediate beliefs that influence it and the core beliefs it stirs up in you.  When you notice an automatic thought, reflect on what assumptions, conditions, or rules might be at play.  Use those to identify what core belief might be at work.  To facilitate this process, you can ask yourself questions like, “so what?” or “what does that mean about me, others, or the world?”

Once you’ve identified your three types of thoughts, here are a few strategies specific to each type of thought that may help you change those patterns.

Automatic thoughts

• Look for cognitive distortions and call them out. Cognitive distortions are common irrational belief patterns, such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, and emotional reasoning.  These happen so automatically that we often don’t realize they’re distorted until we slow down enough to recognize which distortion is at play.

• Normalize the subconscious, immediate reactions. Rather than getting caught up in anger at yourself for your negative automatic thoughts, identify their origins.  Connecting an automatic thought to a core belief or intermediate belief can help you make sense of why you would think that way and practice more kindness toward yourself.

Intermediate Beliefs

• Ask yourself, “where did I learn this from?” Look for examples where this rule, assumption, or condition was communicated to you or modeled for you, either directly or indirectly.  Identify if there were expectations in your family-of-origin or a traumatic event that may have solidified this belief.

• Check the validity of your beliefs. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that it is true.  Put your thoughts on trial by exploring the evidence for and evidence against their truthfulness. Consider what you might say to a friend in a similar situation: would you hold them to the same standard?  Why or why not?

Core Beliefs

• Act “as if” you believed the opposite. Consider what would change in your life if you believed the opposite of your negative core belief.  If your core belief is “I am a failure,” what would change in your life if you believed you were a success?  How would you respond differently?  Begin to experiment with some of those actions and observe what happens. You may find that changing the behavior with a mindset toward altering the core belief can lead you to new perspective.

• Seek out disconfirming evidence. Make a list of all the evidence you can find that your core belief isn’t true.  Instead of filtering positive information to make it fit your negative schema, try the opposite: see if there are alternative explanations for negative experiences.  Reframe your thoughts to fit that more accurate perspective.

Performance vs. Personhood: Battling Perfectionism in Finding Your Value and Worth

We live in a culture that tells us that our value and worth come from status symbols and outward signs of success.  These status markers show up in distinct ways: an expensive car, a leadership position at work, a vast number of social media followers, the approval of our friends and family, the number of hours we’ve worked in the past week, our grade point average, how many games we’ve won, how many publications our names are on…the list could go on.  Consider for yourself: what are your personal signs of success?

These symbols aren’t necessarily a bad thing in and of themselves.  Often, they signify good goals for which to strive.  But when your internal value or worth as a human being hinges upon achieving these goals or reaching a certain status marker, then you set yourself up for anxiety, pressure, discouragement, and eventual disappointment.

A mistaken belief that underlies desire for status or power is that your value or worth as a person comes from what you do or how well you do it.  Endless pursuit of these symbols of achievement without satisfaction are a hallmark of perfectionism. “Type A” personalities and prestigious academic settings with high achieving students are examples of where this mindset thrives.  People who define themselves by a certain career path or role in life can be devastated by job loss or perceived failure.

What are some signs that you might be defining yourself by your performance?

• Experiencing intense anxiety or fear around activities or situations in which you might be on display

• Feeling devastated by constructive criticism

• Excessive worry about losing your job, promotion, GPA, or position in some area of your life

• Believing that you are worthless without your status symbol

• Feelings of failure or believing that you are a failure

• Constant comparison with others where you find yourself lacking

• Staying busy doing things so you feel good about yourself, even though you’re feeling burned out and exhausted

• Trying to prove yourself in some way to others

This overemphasis on finding value or worth in what we achieve creates people who are beaten down by their life experiences, dealing with clinical levels of anxiety or depression that discourage them and make their attempts to achieve even more difficult.  Instead of encouraging you to improve or creating a drive to do better, the negative thought patterns that come with perfectionism and a performance-based identity lead to discouragement and a lack of motivation.

What are some of those thought patterns that are associated with placing your value and worth in your achievement and success? 

Performance-Based Belief Systems

If I can’t do this, I am bad (won’t be loved, will be rejected, will be alone).

This belief ties your identity as a person to your ability to achieve, connecting to the belief that love or respect of others will be taken away if you fail.  You may feel like all of your actions are on display to be judged and found lacking by others.  These fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to feel pressure to always do the right thing, which eventually becomes impossible.

How does he/she do it all?

Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself can lead you to see others as more competent or capable than you are. A sign of comparison to others is believing that you “should” be able to do as much as someone else and a belief that you are “less than” because you can’t.

I feel good because I was able to achieve ____.

Even though this thought looks positive at the start, it actually hints at the presence of a performance-based value or worth.  What happens if you don’t achieve that in the future?  What happens when you do fail?  Does that influence your belief in your inherent worth or value?

If I’m not a perfect (mom/employee/boss/student), then I’m worthless.

It is impossible to be perfect, and perfection does not equal worth.  Like the comparison-based belief above, this thought indicates setting a standard far above and beyond what is needed.  We all make mistakes and are imperfect as part of our nature, but that doesn’t make us worthless.

How to Respond to Performance-Based Beliefs

Focus on your personality instead of your achievements.

Instead of basing your worth on the things you do or achieve, list different aspects of your personality that you like.  This may prove difficult, as you might slip into what is familiar: listing positive things that you do.  Alternatively, you could find yourself stalling out after a short list and descend into more self-critical thinking.  Allow this process to take time, as chances are you’re not accustomed to speaking to yourself in kind and affirming language.

Shut off the comparison trap.

Limit your time on social media.  Pay attention to your thoughts about others and rather than feeling jealous or comparing yourself to them, ask yourself how you can be grateful for that person’s role in your life.  Remember that often you are comparing your insides (your doubts, fears, anxieties, perceived failures) to someone else’s outsides (what they post online).   It may be time to unfollow certain people on social media if you find that their posts stir up too much of this comparison dynamic in you.

Consider the impact of your past.

Our past experiences influence the way we view ourselves and the world around us.  How might they be influencing your thinking?  Look for moments where you first felt perfectionism or a need for success most strongly.  Why was success important for you in your past?  What happened when you didn’t succeed?  Did you have an overly critical parent, teacher, or other adult figure in your life?  How might they have influenced you?

Ask yourself how you’d treat others.

Identify people in your life who have  made mistakes, but of whom you don’t think negatively.  What makes those people different from you?  We are our own harshest critics.  In many cases, we would never talk to a friend or loved one the way we talk to ourselves.  For many of us, we wouldn’t consider seeing someone else as worthless or without value because they’ve made mistakes.

Alternatively, you might notice that you are critical or judgmental of others when they make mistakes.  Often having high standards for yourself means you expect others to meet those high standards too.  Consider how it might feel to release those standards and be free of the disappointment and anger associated with both your and others’ mistakes.

Act out of your values.

Performance-based thinking often comes with a list of “shoulds.” Living by these “shoulds” is a setup for failure, because you’ll never be able to meet them to your level of satisfaction.  The standard will constantly get higher: you may achieve one part of your “should,” but it won’t be enough.

Instead, focus on your core values.  Examples include integrity, love, health, creativity, support, generosity, personal growth, etc.  Ask yourself what is important to you at your core, not what other people think should be your values.  When you know what our personal values are, that leads the way to choose value-based actions that aren’t driven by trying to prove yourself, but instead are driven by who you are.

A Christian Perspective

If you are of the Christian faith, church involvement and service can become another way in which you tie your value to your performance.  Striving to be a “good Christian” or to “do the right thing for Jesus” might be ways these beliefs shift to meet a Christian lifestyle.

The desire to serve God by itself is not a bad thing: in its best form, it comes from wanting to respond to the love of God we have received. But other times, the motivation for this service is based in a faulty theology of God.  It sees God as a taskmaster demanding obedience, rather than a generous and kind Father who loves you so unconditionally that He will welcome you home even when you fail miserably (see Luke 15:11-32 and Romans 5:8).

Our value and worth as Christians does not come from our activities, performance, or actions.  Whenever we say we’re trying to be a “good Christian,” that denies our powerlessness to be good on our own apart from God.  We are only able to offer out of what we’ve already been given (see Ephesians 2:8-10). 

In the Christian life, our primary identity is not defined by how “good” we are or how perfectly we follow the rules.  We are first and most essentially children of God, beloved, secure, and cared for by our Father.  When that is our identity rather than what we do, we are much more likely to be at peace with ourselves and be able to act out of our values instead of trying to earn God’s favor or love.  You already have God’s favor just by being His child!  There is no more that can be done to make God love you more or less (Romans 8:38-39).

Questions to Ask Your Destructive Thoughts to Keep Them from Running Your Life

We all have a specific, unique way of viewing ourselves, others, and the world around us based on our biology and life experiences.  If you’ve dealt with anxiety or depression, your thought patterns probably have some level of distortion. Often the thoughts you have discourage you from completing daily tasks that seemed so simple before depression or anxiety hit.  Emotions arise from the thoughts you have about events, as different interpretations of an event can lead to vastly different emotional responses.

It’s easier to notice symptoms of overwhelming emotions, lack of motivation, and changes to behavior than it is to notice the thoughts driving them.  But key to experiencing relief from anxiety and depression is to recognize your thought patterns behind those emotional and behavioral shifts. 

Recognizing Distorted Thought Patterns

If you’ve been having destructive thinking patterns, you may not know it.  Have you ever been to a circus or carnival where there was a fun house with oddly shaped mirrors?  Looking at yourself in one of those mirrors makes your body look tall and thin, short and stout, or perhaps even swirled.  Now imagine if those were the only mirrors you had in your home, and one day you visited a friend who had a plain, flat mirror.  Looking into that mirror, you would likely think, “What’s wrong with this mirror?  Why is it showing me like that?” You’ve never realized that the mirrors you’ve been looking at your whole life haven’t shown you reality.

When we have negative beliefs about ourself, others, or the world, they form a lens (much like this distorted, fun house mirror) through which we interpret everything.  We skew whatever circumstance we’re in, interaction we have, or problem we face as directly related to this destructive thought.  There are several categories of these destructive thought patterns.

Also, these thoughts are usually several layers deep.  Let’s say you see a friend while you’re out for a walk and she doesn’t acknowledge you.  Your first, automatic thought might be something like, “Is she mad at me?”  This is quickly followed by a chorus of other thoughts (“I wonder if I’ve offended her somehow.  Is she upset I didn’t invite her to that get-together last week?  I haven’t been calling her often enough.”) which ends in a deeper, core belief (“I’m a bad friend”).

As you reflect on this thought pattern, you may also have a negative thought pattern about these thoughts.  When you notice yourself thinking about yourself negatively or interpreting situations in negative ways, you might think, “Why do I always do this?  I get myself so worked up over little things and then it ruins my whole day.  I’m such an idiot.”

Questioning Your Thoughts

Once you’re aware of these thoughts and can recognize how they’re hurting you more than they’re helping you, you have the opportunity to shift the narrative.  Consider the questions below as tools to help you change the way you think about yourself, others, or the world.

How true is this thought?

Often our thoughts have some grain of truth in them, even if we’ve blown it out of proportion to the stressor.  However, destructive thought patterns often are more negative than accurate. 

For example, take the thought “I’m a bad person” that comes because you raised your voice at your children in the heat of an angry moment.  It is true that you raised your voice, and that isn’t in alignment with your values of parenting.  But magnifying this one mistake to pass  judgment on who you are as a whole is intensifying the thought beyond what is true.

What evidence supports this thought?  What evidence goes against this thought?

This question builds off the previous one to offer evidence to support (or deny) the “truth” of your thought in the context of the situation.  Consider this as putting your thoughts on trial.  You’re parsing out the evidence you have in front of you objectively, taking emotions or bias out of the picture.  This often influences what you see as reality in the situation. 

Is this thought helping me or hurting me?

When you have this thought, how does it make you feel?  What does it make you want to do?  Ruminating or focusing all your attention on negative thought patterns is destructive to your mental health.  If you notice your thought patterns lead you to retreat from relationships, feel exhausted or overwhelmed, engage in self-destructive behaviors, feed into addiction, overeat or oversleep, or cope in ways that ultimately hurt you, this might be a thought pattern worth changing.

While sometimes it may feel as though you don’t have control over your thinking patterns, using these questions is a great way to shift those thoughts.  Consider: how is this thought affecting me negatively?  How might shifting my perspective on this situation affect me differently? 

What would I say to my best friend if they told me they were having this thought?

We are our own worst critics.  In most cases, we would never speak to our friends the way that we speak to ourselves.  Use this question to evaluate whether you’re being too harsh on yourself or whether your limited perspective on the situation might be influencing your reaction.

Think of an encouraging mentor or friend in your life.  What would they say to you about this thought?

Picture sitting across from this person and imagine their face as they hear you share those thoughts with them.  How would they look at you?  Would there be judgment or compassion in their eyes?  How might they respond?  Similar to the last question, imagining speaking these thoughts aloud with others changes the way you hear them.

If you are a Christian, you might also ask yourself: what would God say to you?  Use Scripture like 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to connect to the love and compassion He has for you, and identify Bible verses that respond to the concern you’re feeling.  Connect to your identity in Christ as a source of hope and reassurance against negative beliefs about yourself. 

Where is this thought coming from?

As mentioned earlier, we learned our unique ways of interpreting events from our life experiences.  See if you can pinpoint where this negative message or thought pattern was hammered home for you.  Were they words communicated to you by someone from your past who has hurt you?  Even if the words were never communicated directly in this way, are they influenced by messages you’ve indirectly received about yourself or your worth?

How might my current circumstances be affecting my thoughts?

When we’re feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored, or a number of other distressing feelings, those can intensify our reaction to life events.  When our basic needs for relationship, nourishment, safety, and rest aren’t being met, we can become worn down and more susceptible to negative interpretations.  Have there been triggers in other areas of your life that might be intensifying these thoughts?  How has your self-care been – sleep, eating, social time, leisure time, work, etc.?  Are there stressors in your life that might be compounding your negative thought patterns? 

What is the least pathological explanation for what happened?  What is most realistic?

If you’ve ever dealt with depression, you know that depression can convince you to be absolutely certain about the truth of your negative interpretation of events.  In anxiety, worst case scenarios often feel like the only possible outcome.  Consider what alternative explanations might exist for the situation in which you find yourself and identify if those might be valid in any way. 

As an extension of this question, it may be helpful to ask yourself what the worst-case scenario is (probably what you’re already thinking), what the best-case scenario is, and what is most realistic.  What is most likely to happen is often the most realistic possibility, and it often exists between the two extremes of best-case and worst-case.

Through what core belief “lens” might I be viewing this thought?

In the film the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and her friends visit the Emerald City and are asked to put on glasses before they enter.  With those glasses on, everything they see is in various shades of green!  But if they were to remove those green-tinted glasses, they would see the true colors of their surroundings for what they are.

Our core beliefs function in much the same way.  When we believe something at the core about who we are, we interpret all events that happen to us and around us through that lens.  If I believe I’m unloveable, I will interpret my spouse’s delay in responding to my text as evidence that they don’t love me.  Notice if any of your thoughts are colored by these core beliefs, and imagine what it might look like if you took those tinted glasses off.