The Types of Thoughts that Keep You Stuck and How to Combat Them

So much of our day-to-day life is impacted by our thoughts, whether we’re aware of them or not.  Our interpretation of events as filtered through our thoughts influences how we experience the world around us.  What we believe about ourselves can affect our confidence, for better or for worse.  How we perceive others can lead to connection or conflict.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, is one of the most common treatment methods in mental health counseling.  One of the central principles to the CBT approach is a recognition of the power of thoughts, or cognitions, to impact our emotional well-being and our behaviors and choices. 

When a situation occurs, your response to that situation typically involves three things: thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  You might more easily identify your emotional response or how you react behaviorally. What CBT points out is how emotions and behaviors are influenced by your thoughts, or interpretation, of the event.

Since the thoughts you have in response to a situation are the catalyst to emotional distress and destructive behaviors, targeting these thoughts can be a game-changer in improving your overall mental well-being.

Three Types of Thoughts

There are three layers of thoughts that influence emotions and behavior as identified in the cognitive-behavioral model: automatic thoughts, intermediate beliefs, and core beliefs.

Automatic Thoughts

Automatic thoughts are situation-specific thoughts that pop into your head.  They’re referred to as “automatic” because they largely arise from subconscious awareness – you aren’t choosing actively to have those thoughts.  They might be positive, negative, or neutral in tone.

For example, let’s imagine you received critical feedback on a project you completed for work.  A positive automatic thought in response to this might be, “That was a tough project, but I know I have the skills to implement the changes they suggested next time.”  On the other hand, a negative automatic thought might be, “I can’t believe I missed those details.  I worked so hard on this project. Why do I always mess things up?” 

You probably aren’t aware of many of your automatic thoughts because they happen so frequently and quickly.  While some of these thoughts are distorted or influenced by your core beliefs or intermediate beliefs (defined below), you aren’t likely to question these thoughts naturally.  However, you can learn to become more aware of them and implement strategies to evaluate the accuracy of these thoughts.

Intermediate Beliefs

Intermediate beliefs exist as a mediator between automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  These are personal perceptions of how things work that influence how you interpret the current situation.  They can be rules, assumptions, “shoulds,” or attitudes that apply to a variety of situations with a broader reach. 

Let’s take a look at the automatic thoughts from above (“I can’t believe I missed those details; why do I always mess things up?”) to illustrate examples of the types of intermediate beliefs.  Perhaps your reaction is intensified by a rule, such as, “I should be perfect.”  Or maybe you have the assumption, “Weak people make mistakes.”  A conditional, “if…then…” belief might sound like, “if I succeed at work, then I will be okay.”

These beliefs not always explicitly stated, but can be held internally. They form as our brains try to make sense of what we observe in the environment around us from a young age.  We learn these beliefs from what we observe in our families-of-origin, our experiences, our relationships, and elsewhere.  These beliefs serve a purpose: they protect us from the deeper core beliefs that are often more painful and scary.

Core Beliefs/Schemas

Core beliefs are rigid, deeply rooted beliefs about yourself, others, or the world.  They are heavily based in past experiences, often beginning in childhood, and they can be reinforced by trauma.  Schemas are a series of interconnected core beliefs that form a mental framework to organize information. These core beliefs and schemas aren’t activated in every moment of life, but once they become activated, they have a strong influence on your emotional well-being. 

Some examples of core beliefs that might be at play in the work situation are, “I’m a failure.”  “I’m not good enough.”  “I don’t have what it takes.” “I’m weak.”

Core beliefs are a filter through which you see the world.  You observe and remember evidence that serves to confirm these beliefs, and you ignore evidence that doesn’t fit.  You may even find yourself creating situations for yourself that reinforce these beliefs as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Or you may re-write positive information that doesn’t fit in with your schema or core belief to fit the negative belief (ie. “They gave me a compliment BUT they must have just felt bad for me because I’m so ugly.”)

How to Respond to These Beliefs

When you recognize these distressing beliefs, you can begin to change your pattern of thinking.  Remind yourself that these beliefs are not absolute truth, as much as they may feel that way while you’re having them.  You can pause and question the thoughts, reminding yourself of reality.

First, trace your automatic thought through the intermediate beliefs that influence it and the core beliefs it stirs up in you.  When you notice an automatic thought, reflect on what assumptions, conditions, or rules might be at play.  Use those to identify what core belief might be at work.  To facilitate this process, you can ask yourself questions like, “so what?” or “what does that mean about me, others, or the world?”

Once you’ve identified your three types of thoughts, here are a few strategies specific to each type of thought that may help you change those patterns.

Automatic thoughts

• Look for cognitive distortions and call them out. Cognitive distortions are common irrational belief patterns, such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, and emotional reasoning.  These happen so automatically that we often don’t realize they’re distorted until we slow down enough to recognize which distortion is at play.

• Normalize the subconscious, immediate reactions. Rather than getting caught up in anger at yourself for your negative automatic thoughts, identify their origins.  Connecting an automatic thought to a core belief or intermediate belief can help you make sense of why you would think that way and practice more kindness toward yourself.

Intermediate Beliefs

• Ask yourself, “where did I learn this from?” Look for examples where this rule, assumption, or condition was communicated to you or modeled for you, either directly or indirectly.  Identify if there were expectations in your family-of-origin or a traumatic event that may have solidified this belief.

• Check the validity of your beliefs. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that it is true.  Put your thoughts on trial by exploring the evidence for and evidence against their truthfulness. Consider what you might say to a friend in a similar situation: would you hold them to the same standard?  Why or why not?

Core Beliefs

• Act “as if” you believed the opposite. Consider what would change in your life if you believed the opposite of your negative core belief.  If your core belief is “I am a failure,” what would change in your life if you believed you were a success?  How would you respond differently?  Begin to experiment with some of those actions and observe what happens. You may find that changing the behavior with a mindset toward altering the core belief can lead you to new perspective.

• Seek out disconfirming evidence. Make a list of all the evidence you can find that your core belief isn’t true.  Instead of filtering positive information to make it fit your negative schema, try the opposite: see if there are alternative explanations for negative experiences.  Reframe your thoughts to fit that more accurate perspective.

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Remember the Truth

When you’re caught up in self-doubt and questioning due to the recent discovery of your partner’s sex and love addiction, the line between what is real and what isn’t can be fuzzy at best.  Many of the explanations running through your mind affect your sense of self-worth as you attempt to understand what is impossible to understand.

 In Part 1 of this self-worth series, we identified thoughts and behaviors that are associated with low self-worth as a result of betrayal trauma.  In this article, we’ll cover some statements of truth that combat the swirling self-doubt and give you a supportive reality check. 

What is true?

When you’re being pummeled by these insecurities, it can help to remind yourself of some affirmations of truth about yourself and your partner’s addiction to ground you in reality. 

Your emotional response and reactions are normal.

You’ve experienced an intense trauma: survivors of betrayal trauma often demonstrate similar symptoms to those who have experienced sexual trauma or assault.  The feelings that come up in response to the betrayal are a reflection of the seriousness of the offense.  Even though you might feel crazy, what you’re experiencing is to be expected from the pain you’ve sustained.

The addiction isn’t about you. It is not your fault.

Sex and love addiction typically develops long before you and your partner meet. It originates as a form of coping with distressing feelings or discomfort.  Most addicts have a history of past trauma or abuse, which can be sexual in nature but also could be physical, emotional, or verbal. Addiction developed as a maladaptive way to cope with stress or pain caused by that trauma or abuse.

What if your relationship had problems beforehand and you can connect the addict’s desire to escape to the tension in the relationship? In this case, your partner still had a choice of how they would cope with that tension.  They did not have to choose addiction, but they did so because of a preprogrammed propensity that they had fostered through early experiences. 

Addiction is never satisfied, so you can never be “enough” for addiction.

When you begin to question whether you weren’t sexual enough for your spouse, remember that no amount of sex will fully satisfy a sex addict.  Many sex addicts believe that having more sex will solve their problems, but it never does.  Addiction is always in search of more and is never satisfied.  The concept of tolerance in addiction shows that what was once enough to provide a “high” eventually loses its intensity and the addict continually needs more to achieve the same effect.

Addicts are masters of denial and deception.

Addicts have years of practice hiding their behaviors so skillfully that no one could tell they were acting out.  They use techniques such as emotional manipulation and gaslighting to mask their behaviors and self-protect.  They will go to any lengths to protect their addiction, often acting in what seems to be contradictory ways to their proclaimed love for you as their partner.  They create an atmosphere to protect the addiction, whether consciously or subconsciously.  It’s crazy-making for you, but the smokescreen they put up explains why you couldn’t see it.

That being said, prior to discovery, you may have had moments when you felt like something was off or that your gut was telling you something was up.  Typically your concerns were met by your addicted partner with further denial and minimization, which may have led you to dismiss your intuition or question your reality.

You are worth spending time with.

In the aftermath of the discovery of betrayal, betrayed partners often feel isolated and alone.  You might be hesitating to contact friends or loved ones, which only adds to those feelings of isolation.  In addition, your insecurities may cause you to question your value in relationships and fear reaching out for support.  Believing that you are worth spending time with can help empower you to seek out your friends and family who can be supportive and safe during this time.

Beyond relationships with others, spouses of addicts lose a sense of their personal identity, whether that’s due to caring for children or caring for the addict.  Spending time with yourself becomes immensely important to reclaim yourself and your personal identity.  Learn who you are.  Spend time getting to know yourself as if for the first time because you are worth getting to know.

Your worth is not defined by external achievements or accomplishments.

When you’re still reeling from the discovery of your partner’s addiction, you probably weren’t the most productive person.  The impact of trauma can throw you off all parts of your daily routine.  Especially if you’re already someone who deals with perfectionistic tendencies, you might be overwhelmed by a sense of inadequacy as you grapple with the crushing impact trauma has on your life.

Emphasizing external validation as the primary place you find your worth and value will consistently set you up for failure.  The solution is to recognize that your value and worth is inherent and cannot be influenced or taken away by what others think of you. 

The only person you can control is yourself.

Excessive focus on the addict and their behavior can lead to extreme swings in mood and thought patterns because addiction can be so crazy-making.  Instead, focusing on what’s within your control (your own thoughts, behaviors, choices, and emotions) and caring for those parts of you can help you to detach in a healthy way from the chaos of your partner’s addicted world.  This focus on yourself allows you to align your actions with your own value system, and it acknowledges that you are worthwhile enough to receive care and growth. 

Addicts live a double life and compartmentalize their addictive behavior.

Like the classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, addicts often completely separate their addictive acting out behaviors from their normal life.  They dissociate emotionally from their “normal” life while acting out, often dealing with memory fog or fuzziness about specifics of their acting out behaviors afterward.  Your addicted partner could truly love you even while they were active in their addiction, despite their actions communicating something entirely different.

In our third and last installment of this self-worth series, we’ll explore what it means to empower yourself to take actions that affirm your self-worth.

Questions to Ask Your Destructive Thoughts to Keep Them from Running Your Life

We all have a specific, unique way of viewing ourselves, others, and the world around us based on our biology and life experiences.  If you’ve dealt with anxiety or depression, your thought patterns probably have some level of distortion. Often the thoughts you have discourage you from completing daily tasks that seemed so simple before depression or anxiety hit.  Emotions arise from the thoughts you have about events, as different interpretations of an event can lead to vastly different emotional responses.

It’s easier to notice symptoms of overwhelming emotions, lack of motivation, and changes to behavior than it is to notice the thoughts driving them.  But key to experiencing relief from anxiety and depression is to recognize your thought patterns behind those emotional and behavioral shifts. 

Recognizing Distorted Thought Patterns

If you’ve been having destructive thinking patterns, you may not know it.  Have you ever been to a circus or carnival where there was a fun house with oddly shaped mirrors?  Looking at yourself in one of those mirrors makes your body look tall and thin, short and stout, or perhaps even swirled.  Now imagine if those were the only mirrors you had in your home, and one day you visited a friend who had a plain, flat mirror.  Looking into that mirror, you would likely think, “What’s wrong with this mirror?  Why is it showing me like that?” You’ve never realized that the mirrors you’ve been looking at your whole life haven’t shown you reality.

When we have negative beliefs about ourself, others, or the world, they form a lens (much like this distorted, fun house mirror) through which we interpret everything.  We skew whatever circumstance we’re in, interaction we have, or problem we face as directly related to this destructive thought.  There are several categories of these destructive thought patterns.

Also, these thoughts are usually several layers deep.  Let’s say you see a friend while you’re out for a walk and she doesn’t acknowledge you.  Your first, automatic thought might be something like, “Is she mad at me?”  This is quickly followed by a chorus of other thoughts (“I wonder if I’ve offended her somehow.  Is she upset I didn’t invite her to that get-together last week?  I haven’t been calling her often enough.”) which ends in a deeper, core belief (“I’m a bad friend”).

As you reflect on this thought pattern, you may also have a negative thought pattern about these thoughts.  When you notice yourself thinking about yourself negatively or interpreting situations in negative ways, you might think, “Why do I always do this?  I get myself so worked up over little things and then it ruins my whole day.  I’m such an idiot.”

Questioning Your Thoughts

Once you’re aware of these thoughts and can recognize how they’re hurting you more than they’re helping you, you have the opportunity to shift the narrative.  Consider the questions below as tools to help you change the way you think about yourself, others, or the world.

How true is this thought?

Often our thoughts have some grain of truth in them, even if we’ve blown it out of proportion to the stressor.  However, destructive thought patterns often are more negative than accurate. 

For example, take the thought “I’m a bad person” that comes because you raised your voice at your children in the heat of an angry moment.  It is true that you raised your voice, and that isn’t in alignment with your values of parenting.  But magnifying this one mistake to pass  judgment on who you are as a whole is intensifying the thought beyond what is true.

What evidence supports this thought?  What evidence goes against this thought?

This question builds off the previous one to offer evidence to support (or deny) the “truth” of your thought in the context of the situation.  Consider this as putting your thoughts on trial.  You’re parsing out the evidence you have in front of you objectively, taking emotions or bias out of the picture.  This often influences what you see as reality in the situation. 

Is this thought helping me or hurting me?

When you have this thought, how does it make you feel?  What does it make you want to do?  Ruminating or focusing all your attention on negative thought patterns is destructive to your mental health.  If you notice your thought patterns lead you to retreat from relationships, feel exhausted or overwhelmed, engage in self-destructive behaviors, feed into addiction, overeat or oversleep, or cope in ways that ultimately hurt you, this might be a thought pattern worth changing.

While sometimes it may feel as though you don’t have control over your thinking patterns, using these questions is a great way to shift those thoughts.  Consider: how is this thought affecting me negatively?  How might shifting my perspective on this situation affect me differently? 

What would I say to my best friend if they told me they were having this thought?

We are our own worst critics.  In most cases, we would never speak to our friends the way that we speak to ourselves.  Use this question to evaluate whether you’re being too harsh on yourself or whether your limited perspective on the situation might be influencing your reaction.

Think of an encouraging mentor or friend in your life.  What would they say to you about this thought?

Picture sitting across from this person and imagine their face as they hear you share those thoughts with them.  How would they look at you?  Would there be judgment or compassion in their eyes?  How might they respond?  Similar to the last question, imagining speaking these thoughts aloud with others changes the way you hear them.

If you are a Christian, you might also ask yourself: what would God say to you?  Use Scripture like 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to connect to the love and compassion He has for you, and identify Bible verses that respond to the concern you’re feeling.  Connect to your identity in Christ as a source of hope and reassurance against negative beliefs about yourself. 

Where is this thought coming from?

As mentioned earlier, we learned our unique ways of interpreting events from our life experiences.  See if you can pinpoint where this negative message or thought pattern was hammered home for you.  Were they words communicated to you by someone from your past who has hurt you?  Even if the words were never communicated directly in this way, are they influenced by messages you’ve indirectly received about yourself or your worth?

How might my current circumstances be affecting my thoughts?

When we’re feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored, or a number of other distressing feelings, those can intensify our reaction to life events.  When our basic needs for relationship, nourishment, safety, and rest aren’t being met, we can become worn down and more susceptible to negative interpretations.  Have there been triggers in other areas of your life that might be intensifying these thoughts?  How has your self-care been – sleep, eating, social time, leisure time, work, etc.?  Are there stressors in your life that might be compounding your negative thought patterns? 

What is the least pathological explanation for what happened?  What is most realistic?

If you’ve ever dealt with depression, you know that depression can convince you to be absolutely certain about the truth of your negative interpretation of events.  In anxiety, worst case scenarios often feel like the only possible outcome.  Consider what alternative explanations might exist for the situation in which you find yourself and identify if those might be valid in any way. 

As an extension of this question, it may be helpful to ask yourself what the worst-case scenario is (probably what you’re already thinking), what the best-case scenario is, and what is most realistic.  What is most likely to happen is often the most realistic possibility, and it often exists between the two extremes of best-case and worst-case.

Through what core belief “lens” might I be viewing this thought?

In the film the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and her friends visit the Emerald City and are asked to put on glasses before they enter.  With those glasses on, everything they see is in various shades of green!  But if they were to remove those green-tinted glasses, they would see the true colors of their surroundings for what they are.

Our core beliefs function in much the same way.  When we believe something at the core about who we are, we interpret all events that happen to us and around us through that lens.  If I believe I’m unloveable, I will interpret my spouse’s delay in responding to my text as evidence that they don’t love me.  Notice if any of your thoughts are colored by these core beliefs, and imagine what it might look like if you took those tinted glasses off.

Personal Strides in Partner Recovery: The Importance of Participating in Your Own Healing Work

If you are a partner of a sex and love addict, chances are you responded to the discovery of your significant other’s addiction with a mix of emotions: anger, fear, hurt, grief, rage, sadness, loneliness.  These emotions often come out of nowhere and blindside you.  You then have to deal with triggers that arise unexpectedly and bring surges of these intense emotions back.  You’re constantly revising history with the new information about the addiction at the forefront.

Just like anyone who has suffered an unexpected and devastating trauma, recovery from the revelation of a significant other’s sex and love addiction can be challenging and take time and a lot of work.  But one place that I see partners get stuck is with their eyes on the addict rather than their eyes on their own healing.

Where You Get Stuck

Immediately following discovery, your pain can serve as part of the push that generates enough discomfort for the addict to get into treatment and turn their life around.  This is often a good thing!  But not every addict responds in this way.  Sometimes the addict refuses help or seems half-hearted in their attempts to achieve sobriety.

In these situations, you might respond by focusing on the addict’s recovery: what he’s doing or not doing, how he is changing or growing in empathy, or a lack of change.  Being aware of these changes (or lack thereof) isn’t all bad.  It becomes a problem, however, when it’s all you think about.  When how well you are doing depends on the addict’s progress, that can lead to a tug-of-war in your relationship as you attempt to gain control over the impact of his addiction and his approach to recovery.

In attempting to take control of the addict’s recovery, you are trying to control your significant other’s choices, thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  But these areas aren’t something you have power over: their choice and responsibility belongs to them.  Attempts at control might include threats, manipulation, passive-aggressive comments, or constant criticism.

This response makes sense in light of powerlessness and fear that come with betrayal trauma.  But over time, you’ll see that it leaves you feeling hopeless, trapped, angry, and restless. 

What Could Be Beneath

Often, when partners shift into fix-it mode or any of these attempts to control their spouse’s recovery, it hints that they might be avoiding more painful emotions or uncomfortable realities they are now forced to face.  These might include the process of grief associated with finding out the person you married wasn’t who you thought they were.  It could involve insecurity about yourself, reminders of past experiences of trauma with an addicted family member, or re-organizing your concept of safety because of the addict’s deception.  You might be battling feelings of shame that prevent you from being able to share about your experience with others.

When you shift your gaze to your own healing work, you can finally experience the relief and freedom from chaos for which you’ve been longing.  You can move toward facing the reality of your current circumstance and taking decisive action to heal and become empowered. 

Practical Ways to Focus on Your Healing

Practice acceptance and commitment.

When I hear the Serenity Prayer, I think of the balance of acceptance and commitment: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  For you as a healing partner, this requires acceptance or recognition of the reality that your addicted partner is dealing with a legitimate addiction that has caused legitimate trauma, pain, and harm to you and others.  Courage and commitment come when you make empowered choices and recognize the control you have over your own life, response, and healing.

An important note: acceptance does not mean pretending that everything is okay and that you aren’t hurting.  That is denial, not acceptance.  Acceptance instead means recognizing that what has happened has actually happened and that it cannot be changed by wishing it were different.

The Karpman drama triangle can help us recognize reality.  When we look at the dance of the roles of victim-perpetrator-rescuer, we can identify where we’ve been swept up into the drama of addiction.  Recognize the drama you tend toward and learn ways to step outside the drama by identifying your own responsibility and making choices that reflect that.

Gear up with self-care.

Going through the trauma of the discovery of sex and love addiction is like getting in a car accident: you sustain injuries, some of which are plain to the eye, and some of which are invisible.  You need to take time and space to heal physical injuries by taking care of yourself: doing physical therapy, having regular doctor’s visits, eating and sleeping to recover, and resting your body.  Similarly, recovering from the wound of a betrayal requires you to take time and space to heal. 

Vicki Tidwell Palmer suggests focusing on the acronym PIES for self-care: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual self-care.  How can you care for yourself in each of these ways?

Much of this self-care is best in the context of a community of support.  Find support for yourself through a 12 Step fellowship, support group, or a trusted group of friends who you know are safe.  Safe people are people who can handle hearing about what you’ve been going through without siding too strongly with you or with the addict.  They give you space to process and make your own decisions.  Support also comes through professional help with a therapist specialized in working with partners of sex and love addicts.

Learn and set your boundaries.

Boundaries are an important part of recovery from betrayal.  Saying no to continuing to tolerate behaviors that are intolerable while also taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, choices, and attitudes are important pieces of recognizing your limits.  Setting boundaries can involve making requests of your spouse to change a behavior, but it is ultimately your responsibility to care for yourself regardless of their willingness to change.

The purpose of boundaries is to care for yourself, not to punish the addict.  These are not consequences you’re enforcing, like a parent with a child.  Instead, you are adapting your own behavior to respond to your partner’s behaviors  in a way that best cares for you.  One way to conceptualize this difference is to ask yourself: if my spouse never changes, how might I take care of myself?  You can make requests for him or her to change, but ultimately you are responsible for your own well-being and healing.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries in the early days post-discovery often become empty threats.  Threats to file for divorce or leave often get tossed around in the initial impact of the trauma, but usually they aren’t followed through upon.  Instead, define for yourself what your true deal-breakers are: what behaviors, if continued, would lead inevitably to needing to leave the relationship?  If we don’t know the answer to this question, every mistake or misbehavior gets categorized as non-negotiable.  However, if you’re not willing to leave when that behavior occurs, it’s not truly a non-negotiable.  As mentioned earlier, a trained counselor can help you through this process.

Get in touch with your emotions.

Emotional awareness is an important component of betrayal trauma recovery.  Your emotions provide a window to past experiences and clarify pain that needs care.  Emotions also connect to physical symptoms that may be frightening, like panic attacks, heart palpitations, pain with unknown origin, or decreased immunity.  (Note: if you have any of these symptoms, be sure to get checked by your primary care physician to rule out any other causes.)

While there are similarities to the symptoms of trauma, every betrayed partner has a unique, personal experience with discovering their significant other’s addiction.  This is heavily influenced by your unique upbringing with varied levels of trauma or pain.  Recognizing how the emotions that are arising now connect to themes of past experiences can help you heal from past wounds and identify what your needs are in the present.  As you become aware of your personal emotional reaction, you might also recognize what you might be avoiding by focusing on your partner’s recovery rather than your own healing.

Recognize distorted thought patterns.

Begin to recognize the common thought patterns that either allowed you to stick your head in the sand and avoid seeing the addiction, or that are chipping away at your confidence and ability to be empowered. Common distorted or unhelpful belief patterns involved in betrayal trauma recovery include such thoughts as:

• The addiction is my fault.  I wasn’t a good enough partner.

• I don’t deserve any better due to my shameful past.

• If only I had done ________ differently, this wouldn’t have happened.

• Other people don’t have to deal with this: I wish I could be like them.

• It isn’t the addict’s fault. It’s the fault of the pornography industry/affair partner/addict’s work environment.

• I can’t make it on my own.  I can’t survive without my spouse.

Do any of these phrases or other similar thoughts run through your mind?  Identifying which thoughts come up most often for you and dismantling them to uncover the truth is an essential part of your recovery journey.

Identify your particular tone of trauma.

In the same way that your emotional landscape is influenced by past experiences in your family-of-origin or other areas, the way in which trauma manifests often carries echoes of the past.  What trauma symptoms do you most identify with?  Do you feel trauma physically?  Emotionally?  Spiritually?  How might this be similar to what you’ve experienced with past trauma or with your family growing up?

If you recognize a history of past trauma that pre-dated the discovery of the addiction, it wouldn’t be surprising to have reminders of that past trauma resurface post-discovery.  Methods such as EMDR can help you process and heal those experiences such that you’re not carrying the pain from those into the challenging work of betrayal trauma recovery.

Releasing the Shoulds: Freeing Yourself of Impossibly High Standards So You Can Live

Do you feel a vague sense of guilt when you fail or make mistakes?  Have you been described as a perfectionist or a type A person?  Many of us, particularly if we grew up in an environment with high expectations, have learned a certain set of standards around our behavior that can feel overwhelming to maintain.

Sometimes, we hold those same standards for others.  When we are disappointed by a friend or family member who lets us down or fails to meet our expectations, we are angry at them.  If they don’t read our minds and know what we need, it causes an argument.  We become overly critical of family and friends, gossiping about others, or feeling bitterness and resentment that build to a breaking point.

Or we may want our circumstances to be perfect and are crushed when they don’t work out the way we think they should.  There are so many factors outside our control: jobs, family, others’ choices, natural disasters, or even positive experiences – you name it.  When our circumstances don’t fit into our perfect mold, how do we then respond?  Are we able to adapt or do we feel cheated out of the way things “should” have been?

If any of the above experiences sound like you, it might be time to take a look at the “shoulds” you’re carrying around and how they’re working (or likely, not working) for you.

Recognizing the Shoulds

Identify the areas where you feel a sense of “should.”

It can be as easy as listening to your self-talk and identifying where you hear the word “should.”  I should, I have to, I ought to, I must…do any of these words populate your vocabulary?  In what situations do you say those words to yourself in your mind? 

Pay attention to your emotions, particularly shame and fear.

Maybe it’s not so clear to you in which situations you feel pressure to meet a standard.  In that case, recognizing shame can help.  First, identify what shame feels like in your body.  Red cheeks, a knot in your stomach, a desire to run and hide?  Think about a circumstance when you’ve felt shame in the past.  What were the words running through your mind?

Similarly, fear can be an indicator that you’re responding to a perceived set of “shoulds.”  If you’re afraid of what others think of you, even if it’s just in one particular area like work, ask yourself where you learned to fear their opinion. Connect it back to previous experiences where you may have felt fear about the opinions of others.

Look at what bothers you most about other people.

When you pinpoint the areas where you’re most critical of others, ask yourself if you can relate to their struggles in any way.  In the Bible, when Jesus speaks of judging others, he says, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)  Often the behaviors we criticize in others are areas in which we are imperfect or insecure ourselves.

Look at where you’re most likely to criticize others and see if you can relate to their struggles.  You may not be dealing with the issue exactly the way they are handling it, but your response might hint at a “should.”  For example, if I believe others “should” respond to my emails within a few hours of receiving them, it might be worthwhile to check my own habits for responding to emails.  If I do respond quickly, I might identify how that “should” has been affecting my stress levels and mood.

What happens if I don’t do what I “should” do?  What type of person would that make me?  Do I have a rigid expectation of myself here?  Is there space for me to receive or extend grace and understanding to myself or others? 

See where you’re jealous of others.

Another insight from criticism involves recognizing if you want something others have.  You might compare your life to theirs, thinking, “I wish I could do what they’re doing.”  For example, criticizing someone for taking an afternoon off work to attend a child’s sporting event might hint that you have a rigid expectation that you can’t leave the office to do something similar.  Explore what you believe you can’t or “don’t have permission to” do that others can do, and see if that’s based in any “shoulds.”

Releasing the Shoulds

“Okay great, but now what?”  It might have been easy for you to figure out what “shoulds” drive your life, but despite your knowledge of them, you haven’t been able to shake them.  They feel like a constant chorus that echoes through your mind and weighs you down.  Try some of the following steps to let go of those expectations of yourself and release the pressure.

Identify what’s in your control and what’s not in your control.

You have control over your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.  You cannot control the thoughts, emotions, choices, and beliefs of others.  There are some life circumstances you have control over and others you don’t.  When you clarify if you are truly in control of your situation, you may be able to release unrealistic expectations you have on yourself.

This can also help you realize that you aren’t the only one responsible or in control of caring for others.  When your “shoulds” take on a tone of responsibility for others (“If I don’t help them/fill this volunteer role/work the extra hours, then who will?”), recognizing that you aren’t the only one who can take action can release you from the pressure to help.  You may still have some influence, but there are other people or circumstances that may carry responsibility in the lives of the ones you help.

Separate “perfect” from “good.”

Perfectionism often drives these “should” statements, and a hallmark of perfectionism is the belief that perfect and good are the same thing.  In other words, if I don’t do this perfectly, it is bad.  In order for something to be good, it has to be perfect. 

This requires some deconstructing and redefining “good and “perfect”.  Reframe your beliefs to see that things can be good even if they aren’t perfect.  Look for examples where what you’ve produced hasn’t been perfect, but it has been good.  Search for ways in which “good enough” has been good, even when it hasn’t met your unrealistic, high expectations.

Ask yourself what you think will happen if you fail.

What would you believe about yourself if you were to fail or make mistakes in this area?  You might end up uncovering a deeper core belief about yourself that’s driving your “should” responses.  For example, you might believe that if you don’t live up to these high standards you’ll be rejected and unloved.

If you already have these underlying beliefs, no amount of perfection will fix the beliefs.  Until you recognize the origins of the belief and do the work to dismantle it, you won’t be able to let go.

Pretend like you’re talking to a friend.

For many of us, we would never talk to our friends the way that we talk to ourselves.  The amount of negativity and self-criticism that makes up the majority of our self-talk would leave us friendless if we used those words on other people.

Imagine you are having a conversation with a friend who told you about all the “should” statements they were wrestling with.  What might you stay to them in response?  What realistic expectations to you hold for them that you might not hold for yourself? 

Let yourself “break the rules” and see what happens.

When you’ve lived by a rule of “shoulds” your whole life, letting loose and breaking the rules feels like a big no-no.  Give this a try: intentionally set out to do the opposite of what the “shoulds” say to do.  Then observe what happens.  Do you fail? Are your fears confirmed? 

In many cases, what you learn is that breaking the rules doesn’t kill you, nor does it leave you rejected and abandoned.  The worst-case scenario that held you back is discredited. 

To be fair, in some situations you may experience responses that seem to confirm your beliefs.  In this case, learn from those experiences.  Pay attention to your emotional response and self-talk, and be aware of when you’ve felt that way before.  If you can pinpoint earlier experiences similar to this one, that’s a hint at the origins of the high standard you keep.

Doing the work of “releasing the shoulds” is difficult, but it is absolutely worth it.  The relief you’ll feel at letting go of the crushing weight of pressure that you put on yourself will free you up to live your life more authentically.  It will improve your relationships as you drop the criticism and gain more empathy and understanding for others.

Are You an Unreliable Narrator in Your Own Life?: How Cognitive Distortions Manipulate Your Thoughts

Have you noticed the trend in popular fiction where thrillers are becoming all the rage?  Books like Gone Girl and Girl on the Train have become increasingly popular.  A common element in many of these novels is the “unreliable narrator.”  At some point during the novel, there’s a twist that clues us in to the fact that the narrator may be filtering the truth in such a way that works to their advantage or tells their side of the story.  This plot device adds an additional layer of mystery to the text as we try to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.

When have you realized that what you believed was true was wrong all along?

We tend to filter our experience through our beliefs about people and the world around us in a way that twists reality and leads us to doubt what we know to be true.  It can start with one mistaken belief or critical comment.  Before we know it, that statement grows into an internal voice that leads us to filter our beliefs through this new lens.  In depression and anxiety, this is particularly common, as these disorders add an additional filter to our thoughts that twists them to be even more inaccurate, becoming what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.”

What is a cognitive distortion?

Cognitive distortions are “exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety.”

I think of it like the fun house attraction at those traveling fairs that rolled into town in your childhood.  Typically they featured mirrors that distorted your body shape and size.  This is a fitting picture of how our thoughts filter through these different lenses of reality and twist our beliefs into cognitive distortions.

Common Cognitive Distortions and Their Antidotes

While there are several different types of cognitive distortions, here are a few of the most common ones I’ve seen with depression and anxiety.  Alongside an example of each, I’ll provide an antidote (some ideas to try if you notice these are the filters you default to most commonly) and an adaptive thought (an example of a shift in thinking in response to that distortion).

All-or-nothing thinking happens when we believe that only two extremes exist, with no room for gray area in between.  We think in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, pass or fail. 

• Example: “If I do poorly on this test, that means I’m a failure.”

• Antidote: Make room for the gray in your life. We all make mistakes or do things poorly, but there are likely plenty of positives in your life as well. Think in terms of better and best instead of right and wrong.

• Adaptive Thought: “One bad grade doesn’t disqualify the other good grades I’ve gotten or the hard work I put into studying.”

Overgeneralization occurs when we take an isolated event and expect that all other similar events will happen in the same way.

• Example: “What’s the point of going out on dates? The last guy I dated didn’t call me back after the first date, so why should I expect anything different?”

• Antidote: Recognize that each situation you experience is unique. If you believe this pattern exists, look for examples to disprove that pattern.

• Adaptive Thought: “So that last date didn’t work out? We must’ve not been the right fit. The next guy I date might be a better fit for me.”

Jumping to conclusions involves assuming we already know how others will perceive us or how a situation will play out.

• Example: “My friend didn’t say hi to me at church the other day – I must’ve done something wrong or offended her.”

• Antidote: Reality check that assumption by either asking the other person if your belief is true or think of alternative explanations for what happened.

• Adaptive Thought: “My friend might’ve been caught up in a conversation and didn’t see me at church, so it makes sense why she wouldn’t have said hi.”

Personalization is the belief that everything that happens around us is a direct response to something we have done or said.  This can lead to taking too much responsibility for how others respond to us, or worry that we’re being judged.

• Example: “This party is so awkward – it must be because I’m so awkward and I’m ruining the night for everyone.”

• Antidote: Set an internal boundary: affirm that you are not responsible for the thoughts and reactions of other people. What are some other reasons for the situation?

• Adaptive Thought: “This party is kind of awkward because we don’t all know each other yet. Maybe I can start up a conversation with someone new or suggest a game to play!”

“Shoulds” involve thinking that we “should” do things a certain way, and if we don’t, it is a poor reflection on us or our character.

• Example: “I should be exercising 5 days a week and if I’m not, I’m lazy.”

• Antidote: Search for the source of that belief (family, friends, media, school, church, self) and explore why it has such an impact on you. Give yourself freedom to say “no” to it. Frame your decisions as a choice of what you want to do instead of “should” do.

• Adaptive Thought: “I’d like to exercise more. I can choose to go for a run this afternoon.”

Emotional reasoning takes place when have a certain emotional response to our circumstances and come to accept that feeling as truth.

• Example: “I feel ugly, so it must be true.”

• Antidote: Remind yourself that emotions are changeable. Look for evidence that stands in direct contrast to the beliefs those emotions are telling you.

• Adaptive Thought: “Even though I feel ugly, I know I’m feeling worse than usual today because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I know those emotions will pass.”

Which of these cognitive distortions do you see the world through most often?  How can you actively seek to change those filters and become a more reliable narrator in your life?

This article was originally published on July 6, 2017.

Recognizing Denial: How to Differentiate the Addict Brain from the Healthy Brain

“I don’t have a problem.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“It doesn’t hurt anyone, especially if they don’t find out.”

“I deserve a break.”

These are classic statements of denial: distortions of truth that justify your decisions or compulsive behaviors and offer self-protection.  They often pop into your head automatically and outside of conscious awareness.  Even though they are distorted, they often feel true or carry some grain of truth, so it can be hard to discern whether they are true or false. 

How does denial keep you in addiction?

Denial keeps you stuck in addictive behaviors as you to turn a blind eye to how your actions impact you and others around you.  For sex and love addicts, denial functions as a way for your brain to justify your addictive actions and protect yourself from the guilt or shame you may feel for your behaviors.

Shame is a hallmark of addiction, and denial is a way for your mind to psychologically protect yourself against that shame.  Typically, addiction stems from past experiences of trauma, which communicate shame-based beliefs about your identity.  These shame messages are  uncomfortable and often painful, with words such as “I’m a loser,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m worthless.”  Denial serves as a way of blocking these negative thoughts.

Yet while your mind is using denial to try to protect you from these harsh words, the denial statements inevitably lead back to your addictive behavior. The more times you engage in addictive behavior, the more your shame messages are reinforced, and you have to cover over the shame with denial again.  Denial may prevent you from being found out by yourself or others, but it also prevents you from getting the help that you need.

The Addict Brain

I like to think of these denial statements as the addict brain at work inside you.  There is a part of you, which we’ll call the “addict self,” that wants to remain in your addiction because of the benefits addictive behavior gives you, like a false sense of intimacy.  This addict self will tell you that you need to act out in your addiction and will therefore justify those behaviors.  It will repeatedly tell you that you don’t have a problem and that it’s not a big deal.

But when the addict brain is running the show, you are being controlled by your addiction rather than by your true self.  Getting in touch with your healthy brain requires a focused process.  Patrick Carnes talks about grabbing your frontal lobe (the part of your brain that facilitates impulse control and healthy decision-making) with reality and not letting it go as part of addiction recovery. 

Common Areas of Denial

Both Patrick Carnes in Facing the Shadow* and Rob Weiss in Sex Addiction 101* talk about the most common areas of denial.  Here are a few you may have experienced in your addiction.

• Minimizing: claiming that the addiction has less impact than it truly does. “It’s not that big of a deal.”  “I can stop anytime I want.” “It’s not hurting anyone.”

• Rationalizing: coming up with reasons why the addictive behaviors are okay or justifiable. “Everyone has needs.”  “I’m just expressing myself sexually.”

• Comparing yourself to others. “I’m not as bad as he/she is.”  “I can’t be an addict because I haven’t done (fill in the blank).”

• Blame-shifting: blaming others for why you need to engage in your addiction. “I wouldn’t have to watch porn if my partner were more sexual.”  “I need a release after my boss/my spouse gets on my case.”

• Victim mentality: justifying your behaviors with feelings of helplessness or hopelessness. “I’m a lost cause.”  “I’m never going to get over my past sexual abuse.”  “When will my needs get taken care of?”

• Ignoring key details: not admitting the worst parts of your behavior to yourself or others.

• Living a double life: compartmentalizing the parts of you that are addicted as separate and not affecting your life. “Watching porn doesn’t affect my marriage.”  “My sexual behaviors don’t impact my day to day life.”

• Entitlement: feelings of deserving a break or reward. “I deserve this.”  “I’ve had a tough day at work and I need this to unwind.”  “I’ve made it a week without looking at porn, so I can watch some as a reward.”

Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you?  What are your go-tos?

How to Deal with Denial

When you’re in a space where you are clear-headed and not in addict brain, write a list of your common denial statements.  Add to this list as you walk through recovery and listen to your addict brain.  Each time you are drawn toward your addictive behaviors, use that as an opportunity to hear what the addict brain is telling you.

Once you’ve compiled this list of addict thinking, write down affirmations or words of truth that respond to these distortions.  Use your healthy brain to respond to the addict.  Your 12 Step group or sponsor can help you in this process.  Sometimes the words of others jar you out of your own experience and remind you of truth.  Write down quotations from recovery literature or books that remind you of both the seriousness of your addiction and the hope you have in recovery.  Create a toolkit of positive words to come back to and read when denial is echoing in your brain.

When you’re noticing automatic thoughts of denial popping up, pause.  Review your list of healthy coping statements, write in your journal, call a support individual, or read recovery literature.  Ask yourself what you truly need and see if you can offer that to yourself in the moment.

Overcoming these phrases of denial is a major step in your recovery journey.  As you grow in awareness of your “addict thinking,” you can begin to rewrite your narrative with a recovery mindset and find freedom from addictive patterns.

How Are You an Unreliable Narrator in Your Own Life?

Have you noticed the trend recently in popular fiction where thrillers are becoming all the rage?  Books like Gone Girl and Girl on the Train have become increasingly popular.  A common element in many of these novels is the “unreliable narrator.”  At some point during first-person point-of-view novels, there’s a twist that clues us in to the fact that the narrator may be filtering the truth in such a way that works to their advantage or tells their side of the story.  This plot device adds an additional layer of mystery to the text as we try to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.

When have you realized that what you believed was true was wrong all along?

We tend to filter our experience through our beliefs about people and the world around us in a way that twists reality and leads us to doubt what we know to be true.  It can start with one mistaken belief or critical comment.  Before we know it, that statement grows into an internal voice that leads us to filter our beliefs through this new lens.  In depression and anxiety, this is particularly common, as these disorders add an additional filter to our thoughts that twists them to be even more inaccurate, becoming what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.”

What is a cognitive distortion?

Wikipedia summarizes well a definition of cognitive distortions as “exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety.”

I think of it like the fun house attraction at those traveling fairs that rolled into town in your childhood.  Typically they featured mirrors that distorted your body shape and size.  This is a fitting picture of how our thoughts filter through these different lenses of reality and twist our beliefs into cognitive distortions.

Common Cognitive Distortions and Their Antidotes

While there are several different types of cognitive distortions, here are a few of the most common ones I’ve seen with depression and anxiety.  Alongside an example of each, I’ll provide an antidote (some ideas to try if you notice these are the filters you default to most commonly) and an adaptive thought (an example of a shift in thinking in response to that distortion).

All-or-nothing thinking happens when we believe that only two extremes exist, with no room for gray area in between.  We think in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, pass or fail. 

• Example: “If I do poorly on this test, that means I’m a failure.”

• Antidote: Make room for the gray in your life. We all make mistakes or do things poorly, but there are likely plenty of positives in your life as well. Think in terms of better and best instead of right and wrong.

• Adaptive Thought: “One bad grade doesn’t disqualify the other good grades I’ve gotten or the hard work I put into studying.”

Overgeneralization occurs when we take an isolated event and expect that all other similar events will happen in the same way.

• Example: “What’s the point of going out on dates? The last guy I dated didn’t call me back after the first date, so why should I expect anything different?”

• Antidote: Recognize that each situation you experience is unique. If you believe this pattern exists, look for examples to disprove that pattern.

• Adaptive Thought: “So that last date didn’t work out? We must’ve not been the right fit. The next guy I date might be a better fit for me.”

Jumping to conclusions involves assuming we already know how others will perceive us or how a situation will play out.

• Example: “My friend didn’t say hi to me at church the other day – I must’ve done something wrong or offended her.”

• Antidote: Reality check that assumption by either asking the other person if your belief is true or think of alternative explanations for what happened.

• Adaptive Thought: “My friend might’ve been caught up in a conversation and didn’t see me at church, so it makes sense why she wouldn’t have said hi.”

Personalization is the belief that everything that happens around us is a direct response to something we have done or said.  This can lead to taking too much responsibility for how others respond to us, or worry that we’re being judged.

• Example: “This party is so awkward – it must be because I’m so awkward and I’m ruining the night for everyone.”

• Antidote: Set an internal boundary: affirm that you are not responsible for the thoughts and reactions of other people. What are some other reasons for the situation?

• Adaptive Thought: “This party is kind of awkward because we don’t all know each other yet. Maybe I can start up a conversation with someone new or suggest a game to play!”

“Shoulds” involve thinking that we “should” do things a certain way, and if we don’t, it is a poor reflection on us or our character.

• Example: “I should be exercising 5 days a week and if I’m not, I’m lazy.”

• Antidote: Search for the source of that belief (family, friends, media, school, church, self) and explore why it has such an impact on you. Give yourself freedom to say “no” to it. Frame your decisions as a choice of what you want to do instead of “should” do.

• Adaptive Thought: “I’d like to exercise more. I can choose to go for a run this afternoon.”

Emotional reasoning takes place when have a certain emotional response to our circumstances and come to accept that feeling as truth.

• Example: “I feel ugly, so it must be true.”

• Antidote: Remind yourself that emotions are changeable. Look for evidence that stands in direct contrast to the beliefs those emotions are telling you.

• Adaptive Thought: “Even though I feel ugly, I know I’m feeling worse than usual today because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I know those emotions will pass.”

Which of these cognitive distortions do you see the world through most often?  How can you actively seek to change those filters and become a more reliable narrator in your life?