Seeing Your Self as Your Context: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

In our series on Acceptance and Commitment therapy, we have laid the foundation of several basic principles of ACT.  We’ve discussed using mindful awareness to remain in contact with the present moment in order to observe and take notice of your internal world.  We’ve reviewed what acceptance is and isn’t, and discussed how practicing acceptance leads to more openness through releasing what is outside of our control.  We’ve also explained and practiced thought defusion, lessening the power we assign to the products of our mind, like our thoughts and feelings.

All these steps involve taking on the role of an observer.  Contact with the present moment allows you to notice your thoughts, feelings, memories, or urges, as well as how you assign power to them in a way that influences your behavior.  Observing shows you how circumstances outside of your control affect you and lead you to struggle with acceptance.  With this next concept, we’ll take observing deeper, exploring how you can separate the products of your mind from your identity – who you are as a person – in order to offer alternative ways of responding to your circumstances.

Self as Context

What does it mean to see your self as your context?  Rather than overidentifying with your thoughts or other internal experiences, self as context requires you to view yourself through the lens of an observer who sees all parts of you, not just the one you’re experiencing right in this moment.  Who you are is not the same as your fleeting feelings, urges, physical sensations, memories, or thoughts.

Your internal experiences don’t need to define your identity.  In the observer role, you notice that while your self contains these internal experiences, they are not one and the same with the whole of who you are.

Attachment to the Conceptualized Self

In contrast, when we link our thoughts, emotions, urges, memories, etc. to who we are as people, we often become locked into rigid ways of responding to the world around us.  We begin to feel stuck, unable to change the patterns that are causing us more harm than good.

We tell ourselves stories we believe to be true about who we are.  These can be long-standing narratives adopted from a young age, that came out of abuse, or that we’ve heard from others in our adult years.  These stories about ourselves dictate our actions in response to a thought, memory, emotion or urge.  For example, if I believe the narrative that I am always late, chances are I will not arrive to meetings or appointments on time.  Even if this is a habit that annoys me, my belief that it is true about myself will influence my behavior.

Similarly, an addict feeling an urge to use their drug of choice might have the thought, “This is the only thing that makes me feel good.”  Believing that narrative, they remember previous euphoric experiences that came after using their drug of choice and feel desire to use again.  Overidentifying with these thoughts can lead this addict to feel as though they have no other choice but to respond by using.

Attachment to the conceptualized self leads to hopelessness and resignation, as you find yourself repeating destructive patterns despite not wanting to continue.  Over time, the believe that you cannot change and deep-seated resistance to other options become solidified.

Why does self as context matter?

As an observer, you can watch what happens internally with some level of detachment.  You also learn that your observing self typically remains stable – your sense of self doesn’t change even though your internal experiences change moment to moment. Who you are is much deeper than just what happens in your mind. Your internal experiences are transient and therefore carry less weight than the sum total of who you are.

Seeing yourself as your context offers more options for actions in response to your circumstance, rather than the rigid, inflexible ways of responding to which you are accustomed.  Instead, self as context sets you up for flexible perspective taking, or seeing multiple points of view or options on how to respond.  When you can take the perspective of others, that often opens up different choices for behavior or perception of your experience.

For those who struggle with addiction, understanding self as your context leads to recognition that the urges you have do not make you a lost cause, but they are part of your addiction.  You can observe and respond to these sensations with actions that are in alignment with what is important to you.  Similarly, those who deal with depression or anxiety can benefit from distancing themselves from taking on the identity of an anxious or depressed person.  Defining yourself as depressed because you have depressed thoughts or a depressed mood can perpetuate the symptoms of depression.  Believing that you are an anxious person and overidentifying with your worst-case scenario thinking can consume your thoughts and trap you.

Principles

You are more than your thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, and urges.

When you are overly attached to this internal world, you may find yourself limited by it.  It may feel like the workings of your mind consume you and make up the bulk of who you are.  But this is not true. Who you are is multifaceted, and these thoughts, feelings, or urges are just one part of your experience that is transient and will likely change in just a few moments.

From the observer perspective, you can distance yourself from the thoughts.  As we discussed in the practice of thought defusion, using a phrase like, “I’m having the thought…” instead of accepting it as true can create psychological distance.

You can observe the workings of your mind as if from outside.

You can look at your thoughts, feelings, and other internal experiences from the perspective of an outside observer to see other perspectives on what you might be going through, implementing the concept of flexible perspective taking.  What might someone else be thinking if they could listen in to what’s going on in your head?  If you were talking with a friend and they shared this with you, how might you respond to them?  What would you be feeling or thinking about them?

Flexible perspective taking helps you to identify alternative explanations and options you’re your ingrained, rigid ways of responding.  Consider: what are other reasons you could be responding this way?  What are other actions you’ve seen others take or that you could take when you feel this way? 

Not every story we tell ourselves is true of our identity.

As you explore some of your narratives that come up repeatedly, you might find it helpful to challenge their validity through flexible perspective taking.  Even those that have a basis in reality (maybe you are someone who tends to run late!) don’t constitute all of who you are.  Allowing yourself to explore various different narratives about yourself rather than limiting yourself to one definition that may or may not be true can help you release the limitations you feel.

You have options and the ability to choose.

Who you are is flexible in different situations.  You can choose what you want to do and who you want to be based on your values.  For example, you have the ability to choose confidence and directness in your relationships with coworkers, while choosing to be fun-loving and laid back while at dinner with friends.  You have options about how to respond in different contexts because who you are is nuanced.  You have options of how you act in those various situations, rather than being stuck in one way of responding.

Your self is stable, despite the changeable nature of your internal experiences.

The more you practice observing your mind, the more you will notice that your observer self doesn’t change.  The emotions, thoughts, and memories you have change over time and in different contexts, but who you are is fairly stable.  You’ve been you for your entire life, while the workings of your mind are in many ways different from the way they were five years, days, or even minutes ago.

Practices

Observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Going back to contact with the present moment, notice over the course of a few days the various thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, urges, and sensations you have.  Track the triggering event and your behavioral response afterward.

As you do this, seek to keep a nonjudgmental perspective.  Watch these internal experiences as they come and allow them to pass by.  Do your best not to fixate or evaluate them as “good” or “bad,” but instead to notice them as they happen. 

Identify a few common stories you tell about yourself.

Look for themes in what you’ve recorded to pull out narratives that keep surfacing about yourself, either from your own mind or how others treat you.  These could be personality traits you believe you have, actions where you don’t feel like you have a choice, or moments of feeling hopeless or trapped.

Identify the specific incidents that taught you this was true from your past.  Where did it come from? Did someone say something to you that solidified this narrative in your mind?  Have you repeated it to yourself over time?  Have you interpreted it based on your actions? 

Imagine your younger self’s perspective.

Imagine yourself 5-10 years ago and look at your current experience through their eyes.  You’d be surprised what different perspective you might notice. You may clarify the origin of your ingrained narratives about yourself.  You might notice more or less pain in your past self.  How might your younger self compare with where you are now and offer a different point of view?

Imagine your older self’s perspective.

Now look ahead into the future. Imagine yourself 5-10 years from now and ask for the point of view of the future version of yourself.  What would an older and wiser version of you say?  If it’s hard to connect to yourself in this way, you can think of an older mentor or close friend who has a more wise perspective.  What might they think?

Consider how someone you admire handles similar situations.

Bring to mind someone who you think does a good job of handling situations like the one you find yourself in.  What different options might they have?  What do you see them doing or believing that is different from you?  What different perspective or point of view might they have?

Remind yourself of options.

Consolidate the insights from these different perspectives and make a list of the options you might have, both in your internal world and behavioral responses.  How might you think differently about yourself?  What other narratives or layers might you be missing that could open up options?  In terms of action, what other options might you have for how to respond?  Do you have to do what you usually do?  Are there any ways that could change?

Visualize taking one of these options.

What would it feel like to try a different option from the way you usually operate?  Visualize yourself taking that path.  Imagine yourself acting in a way that fits with your values, different from your normal experience.  What resistance or feelings of being trapped do you notice?  What makes you not want to take that option?  Would it be uncomfortable in any way, and why?

As we move into the upcoming foundational principles of ACT, values and committed action, you may need to come back to this step when you feel stuck.  Explore what is getting in the way of you taking value-based action from these various perspectives.  Notice how the stories you tell yourself can limit you from fully embodying the person you want to be.

Defusion of Distressing Thoughts: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

How many thoughts would you guess pass through your mind in a single day? Let’s imagine you’re out to eat with a friend.  Even with your best intentions to stay present and listen, there’s a running commentary going on in your mind.  What are some of the thoughts you might have?  I wonder what she’s thinking of me.  Should I have said that?  I sound like an idiot. I’m still so angry from that meeting with my boss this morning.   He’s so overbearing and impossible to work with.  What am I forgetting from my grocery list?  I’m so forgetful, I must be losing my mind.

Needless to say, these thoughts pull you out of the moment and make it more challenging to listen. You might find yourself censoring what you say out of insecurity, comparing yourself to your friend, or even cutting your lunch date short to get back to the office quickly because you’re feeling stressed.

What’s happening?

When you find yourself stuck in your thoughts, you’re likely dealing with cognitive fusion, another destructive mental strategy that acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) addresses.  When we’re in cognitive fusion, we believe that the workings of our internal mind (thoughts, memories, images, reasoning, comparisons, etc.) are true and real, such that we allow them to influence our behaviors.  Our thought patterns have power and control over our lives and seem to make our decisions for us.

Often these thoughts include cognitive distortions, like catastrophizing or all-or-nothing thinking.  They can include negative self-talk or beliefs about yourself that you hold to tightly based on past experiences.  When we believe these things, they become self-fulfilling prophecies.  For example, our fears of being awkward contribute to social anxiety or discomfort.  We then avoid social situations to try to manage the uncomfortable feelings that coincide with them, adding to the dynamics of experiential avoidance that lead us to disengage rather than live out what is important to us.

There are several different types of cognitive fusion that we may face.  They include:

• Rules: “shoulds” for self or others, ways the world or people “ought” to work or be.  Example: People should always be kind and respectful.

• “I” stories: identity-based statements about ourselves that become self-definitions and self-fulfilling prophecies.  Example: I’m always late.

• Judgments/evaluations: beliefs about what is fair vs. unfair, good vs. bad, or right vs. wrong.  Example: It’s unfair that I keep getting passed over for the promotion.

• Meaning-making/reasons: justifying what I do or looking for the answer to the “why?” question to explain what happens.  Example: I’m single because I’m so socially awkward and unattractive.

• Worries about the past/future: overfocus on the past or anxiety about the future that pulls us out of the present moment. Example: How am I ever going to pass that exam next Friday?

• “You/They” stories/comparison: beliefs about others that become self-fulfilling prophecies, particularly as they relate to us. Example: She’s better than I am at everything.

Cognitive fusion is a problem because our thoughts and feelings then run our lives for us and toss us around at every whim of our minds.  Yes, thoughts can feel very powerful.  Memories that pop up as flashbacks, ingrained patterns of meaning that carry shame, and automatic responses that elicit strong emotions can feel crippling at times.

Yet it is important to recognize that, though these thoughts can feel powerful and real, they may not have as much power as we think.

What is defusion?

Consider the image of defusing a bomb, as in an action movie.  In order for the hero to save the day, they must somehow disconnect the power this ticking time bomb has in order to keep it from destroying its target.

Similarly, our thoughts act as ticking time bombs that can unleash an explosion of painful thoughts and emotions, followed by destructive behaviors that lead us away from our values.  We can defuse the thoughts by removing the charge that sets them off: the automatic behavioral reaction that comes after the thoughts.  We do this by observing our thoughts from a place of distance rather than getting caught up in the storm they create in our minds.

The previous two concepts we’ve discussed in this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy series are essential building blocks to support this defusion.  Defusion helps us to practice acceptance to willingly encounter painful thoughts and feelings, rather than running away or avoiding experiences we find uncomfortable.  It is also essential for us to remain in the present moment in order to be aware of these thoughts from the role of an observer.

Principles

Thoughts are just thoughts.

Thoughts do not have the power to control your life.  You can have a thought come into your mind, but choose to act in a way that is different from your default response to the thought.  They do not have to control what you do.

Thoughts don’t last forever.

We find some surprising results when we pay attention to how many varied thoughts we have in a day.  To test this, sit quietly in a room with a pad of paper and write down every thought that pops into your head for 5 minutes.  When you’ve completed that list, count how many thoughts you had and multiply that number by 192 to create an estimate of how many thoughts you have in a day.  Recognizing that your thought patterns are fleeting and eventually come to an end can reduce their power.

How we relate to our thoughts is more important than the content of the thoughts.

ACT approaches thoughts differently from a traditional cognitive-behavioral approach, which places emphasis on understanding and changing the content of your automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  While reframing thoughts can be beneficial for some people, ACT theory emphasizes that our thoughts are powerful because we assign that power to them.  Rather than attempting to change a thought that may not be changed very easily, it is more effective to defuse the power of those thoughts.

This approach is helpful if you have tried to change the way you think about yourself or others for a long time, but aren’t finding those changes sticking.  Rather than continuing to try to force a change, allow the thought to be present, but reduce its power by taking an observer role and acting in accordance with your values instead.

Thoughts, emotions, meaning-making, memories, images, and other internal experiences are just products of the mind.

These internal workings don’t have any greater meaning than that.  They don’t have the power to force us to behave in any particular way, despite the fact that we may believe they do. 

At the same time, we can choose situations in which we want our thoughts to have an influence over our behaviors.  We can choose to engage the thoughts that move us more toward what is important to us.  In this way, we’re not eliminating the power of our thoughts entirely, but making an intentional decision of how much power we want to give to those thoughts.

Practices

Keep a record of your thoughts.

Listen to and track your thoughts, noticing whether they carry a positive, negative, or neutral charge.  Identify if there are any strong emotions that go alongside them.  Notice what behaviors flow naturally out of your thoughts and emotions.  Are those behaviors you want to be engaging in?  Or are they impulsive, reactive, automatic responses?  You can find a helpful tracking tool for this step here.

Affirm your role as an observer of your internal world.

After recording your thoughts, you are in a better position to recognize and notice thought patterns as they come up.  When you have a distressing, painful, or challenging thought, see what happens when you intentionally remind yourself of the phrase, “thoughts are just thoughts.”  How does it impact the power of that thought?

Similarly, you could label your internal experience as if you were an outside observer with words like, “I’m having the thought…” or “I’m having the emotion…”. Another strategy is to imagine your thoughts being played on a radio or told as a story outside of yourself.

Visualize the thoughts passing by.

Often we fixate on our thoughts, which gives them the illusion of power.  We obsess over them or attempt to stop them from coming up, which just entrenches them more deeply in our minds.  Instead, use this commonly practiced mindfulness technique: instead of trying to control, change, alter, or rid yourself of your thoughts, just notice them passing by.  Using a visual cue, like imagining thoughts like cars passing on the street or clouds floating by in the sky, can help you to allow them to pass through your awareness without giving them undue attention.  You’ll notice that your thoughts don’t need to command your focus all the time, but that they can come and go.

Write the thought down and look at it regularly.

If you notice a pattern to your distressing thoughts, such as a repeated phrase or belief that feels like it controls you, take that thought and write it down on something you can carry with you, such as a notecard or post-it note.  Throughout your day, pull out the note with your thought on it and read through it.  Notice how it feels when you look at it.  See yourself as an outside observer of that thought.

Notice how the relationship you have to the thought changes.  The words on the paper do not change, but the way you interact with them will differ at various points throughout the day.  This is a good indicator of the importance not of the content of the thought, but of how you relate to it.

Imagine a common situation influenced by this thought, but with a different outcome.

Choose this thought you’ve written on the card, another common thought pattern you’ve identified, or an image or memory that tends to impact your behaviors.  Now imagine yourself having that thought, but making a different decision about how to respond to it.  What behavior might line up better with what is important to you?  What would change?  How would an outside observer see you?  Would it be possible to act in a different way while still having the thought?

Take a risk and put your different outcome into practice.

Now put into practice this shift in behavior in response to your thought.  Release the thought using a statement like, “thoughts are just thoughts,” and take a risk to act in a way that aligns with what is important to you.  For example, if you’re in a social situation with the thought, “I’m too awkward to talk to people like them,” take a risk by engaging in conversation with one of those feared individuals.

Recognize that this will not eliminate the thoughts.  In fact, taking the risk may even intensify your discomfort.  But this practice of stepping out and making a change in your behavior while still experiencing the uncomfortable thoughts can teach you that your thoughts don’t have the power you think they do. You still have control over your own actions such that you can respond to challenging circumstances in alignment with your values.

Practicing Acceptance: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

Tell me if you’ve had a day like this one: you’re in your car on the way to work.  The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and the road is clear…until you hit the freeway and traffic comes to a standstill.  You’re slightly annoyed, as you don’t want to be late for your meeting at the beginning of the workday.  Suddenly, a car whips in front of you, nearly hitting your front bumper.  Your anger skyrockets.  You might yell some curse words or make a rude gesture at the driver.  By the time you arrive at work 15 minutes late for your meeting, your day is ruined.  You may think to yourself, “why do I always do this?  There’s no reason to get this worked up about traffic.”

We began this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy series with an overview of ACT’s purpose: to approach all situations and circumstances with an eye toward personal values and committed actions in alignment with those values.  The first concept discussed was contact with the present moment, which requires staying in tune with your sensations, thoughts, and emotions in any given part of your day.  But what happens when those internal experiences are frustrating or overwhelming?

Acceptance

The next concept of ACT is so crucial to this theory that it makes its way into the name: acceptance.  As humans, we often attempt to avoid or control our pain. In so doing, our creativity and perspective become narrowed, and we are disconnected from what is important to us.  Our interpretation of events magnifies our pain and disrupts our daily life. 

When we resist acknowledging the painful realities that exist in our internal world and our external experiences (circumstances, other people, relationships, etc), we create tension that interferes with taking action and causes us to feel stuck.  In his book Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the creator of ACT called this experiential avoidance, defining it as “efforts to control or avoid private experiences (eg. sensations, emotions, thoughts, memories, urges) when doing so is ineffective, unnecessary, or contrary to living a meaningful life.” 

Why We Need Acceptance

It makes sense that we would act in ways that attempt to protect us from pain.  But often the end results of our self-protection are consequences and disconnection from our values.  And trying to force our internal world to change doesn’t always work.  We can’t force ourselves to feel a certain way, we can’t suppress our urges for very long, and our thoughts arise automatically.

In the same vein, it is impossible to control things that are outside of ourselves, as much as we may try.  We cannot force someone to love us, change others’ thoughts or experiences, or control how bad traffic is on any given day.

In addiction recovery, addicts often find that trying to suppress their urges to act out or use their drug of choice end up backfiring.  Similarly, denial of the reality of harm done by their addiction in relationships can lead to the dissolution of those relationships and more severe consequences than if reality was accepted and acknowledged in the first place.

What Acceptance Is…and Isn’t

We need to practice acceptance in order to thrive and create the life we want.  But what does acceptance look like on a daily basis?  It requires taking the role of an observer of both your internal world and external circumstances to see things as they are without judgment, removing any labels like “good” or “bad.”

But acceptance is not the same thing as settling or resigning yourself to your fate.  Settling is a passive response: putting up with their circumstance without any hope of taking action.  Often, those who feel they have settled carry some degree of anger or resentment, even if it is buried beneath the surface. They feel stuck in a situation they don’t want, and it seems impossible to change.

We think acceptance means a barren life, but the opposite is actually true.  Acceptance is not a resignation or giving up, and it doesn’t require you to like the situation in which you find yourself.  In fact, acceptance leads the way to change.  In order to change what isn’t working, we must first accept the reality of what is.

Principles

Suffering is universal and unavoidable.

None of us can go through life without pain.  Pain will be there whether we accept it or not.  Many of our efforts to avoid or control pain end up creating more harm for ourselves or others, in such forms as addiction or relational disengagement.  Accepting the reality that we will experience pain can help us prepare for it and be conscious of it when it happens, rather than being taken by surprise, believing that we should always be happy, or expecting that we will think positive thoughts all the time.

Observe negative thoughts or painful emotions without attempts to change them.

One recent study showed that repeating positive self-statements did not have a positive effect on those with low self-esteem, but rather left them feeling worse.  Attempts to avoid pain by forcing positive thoughts actually had a negative effect on those individuals.

According to ACT theory, attempts to change negative thoughts or painful emotions only exacerbate the pain and don’t allow for acceptance.  This principle exists in contrast to more traditional cognitive theories, like cognitive-behavioral therapy, that encourage reframing or changing thought patterns.  ACT also contrasts the cultural message that if you’re struggling with negative thoughts or painful feelings, you must not be trying hard enough to get better.

Often in acknowledging these thoughts and emotions and letting go of the need to change them, you can experience a greater peace as you become an observer rather than a controller of your experience.

Open up to what shows up. 

Acceptance is characterized by a mindset of openness, both to circumstances outside of yourself and your internal response to those circumstances.  It involves a willingness to engage and receive whatever comes, whether it is painful or joyful.  We choose to engage with the feelings and circumstances that we would rather avoid, moving closer to them in an attempt to grow toward thriving in a meaningful life.

Foster creative hopelessness.

As you’ve made attempts to cope with painful emotions and circumstances, you’ve probably noticed that your coping strategies have varied levels of impact.  However, one thing you’ll likely see is that none of your coping strategies eliminate pain forever.  Even if it is a temporary fix, the pain will come back at some point.

Creative hopelessness comes when we recognize that none of the things we do to try to change our internal or external worlds actually eliminates pain.  Many of our attempts to do so are futile in the long term, even if they provide temporary relief.  Acknowledging this reality means that we can begin to explore more creative strategies about how to live out our values. 

Practices

Observe your thoughts, feelings, and urges intentionally.

Sit in a comfortable position and set a timer for five minutes.  During that time, observe any thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, or urges that float through your mind and body.  As you’re doing this, recognize that there is no need to change them, but simply to observe them.  Notice how long they take to work their way through your system or if they repeat or resurface.  Notice any impulses you have to suppress or push them away.

The purpose of this observation time is not to clear your mind, but instead to watch your mind and body and catch what comes through you.  There is no judgment of these thoughts as “good” or “bad,” but rather an impartial awareness. 

List experiences you are avoiding.

Make a list of any experiences, both internal and external, from which you are trying to stay away.   Maybe it’s an emotion, like anger, that comes with an urge toward violence or lashing out verbally.  Perhaps it’s a belief you have about yourself like, “There must be something wrong with me.  I’m so stupid.”  Maybe it’s an uncomfortable social situation where you tend to feel shame or embarrassment.  Usually, these avoided experiences are those that create some form of pain in your life, whether due to an internal cause or a circumstance outside of yourself.

Identify attempts to control, avoid, or influence painful experiences.

Make a list of behaviors you do to try to control or influence your circumstances, reduce discomfort, and/or avoid pain.  More obvious behaviors are external, such as going for a walk or binge-watching TV.  But also include those behaviors that are internal, such as suppressing thoughts or overanalyzing your emotions.  This list can include both self-destructive or harmful behaviors as well as supportive coping behaviors.

Now ask yourself: do any of these internal or external coping behaviors eliminate pain completely?  Do they make it so that pain will never come back?  Or do they provide only temporary relief within the larger context of life?  Chances are, you’ll find that no behavior can completely erase the experience of pain.

Dig deeper into your behaviors.

Look back at the list you just created and notice patterns of behaviors that help you avoid or control pain.  Ask yourself: what would happen if I did not carry out these behaviors?  What thoughts, feelings, urges, memories, or sensations would be left?  What, in essence, am I avoiding?

Similarly, you might ask yourself what function the behaviors serve.  How do they work for you, and why do you keep going back to them? 

Evaluate the function of your avoidant behaviors.

It is important to acknowledge and validate your process of avoidance so that you don’t begin to shame yourself for your behavioral response.  We will never fully eliminate the urge to control pain with these behaviors, so seek to understand and accept your coping behaviors with kindness and compassion.

One way to recognize a behavior’s function over time is to track the ways in which you avoid pain in the upcoming week. Notice how that goes.  Recognize how different behaviors work or don’t work for you, and notice where avoidance gets in the way of value-based living.

Slow down and acknowledge.

Practice slowing down to acknowledge a painful internal experience.  Use the prompts in the first observation practice to connect to your body and mind as you consider a painful moment.  Can you survive the temporary feeling of pain?  Often we think we can’t handle or survive a painful emotion or experience, but reality tells a different story. 

Then imagine holding that internal experience in your awareness while also doing something that is important to you.  Is it possible to be acting in a way that is in accordance with your values while also feeling pain?  Can you feel a certain way, have a memory resurface, or think a painful thought and still show up how you want in life?  Can you exist and thrive with these thoughts, feelings, urges, sensations, and memories still being present?  Imagine yourself doing so and see what comes up.

Contact with the Present Moment: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

Imagine with me that you’ve been in therapy for a while.  You’ve been addressing the faulty thinking patterns of shame and self-doubt that led you into depression.  Or you’ve been working through panic and crippling fear that propelled you into treatment for anxiety.  Perhaps addiction and its lasting effects on you and your family led you to seek counseling, and you’re beginning to experience healing.  Or you’ve learned strategies to cope with some of the worst of your chronic pain. 

Yet, in spite of these gains you’ve been making, you find that you still get stuck.  Whether you wish you could just make the anxiety go away, or you are hit with triggers of addiction at the most inopportune times, the lasting impact of these experiences might never disappear.  You wonder to yourself, “will I ever just be happy and not have to deal with this anymore?”

Enter the game-changing principles of acceptance and commitment therapy, or ACT.  ACT is based around the concept of psychological flexibility: an openness to your present experience that allows you to adapt your response to any circumstance in service of your personal values.  Rather than attempting to change or eliminate negative thoughts or alter emotions, ACT focuses on utilizing mindfulness to recognize and separate who we are from our negative internal experiences (acceptance) and focus instead on implementing value-based actions (commitment).  It acknowledges that suffering is a universal and inevitable reality, and the goal of “being happy” isn’t always realistic to life.

Often where we get stuck in our work through varied mental health and life struggles is wishing they would disappear entirely.  But when that is not an option, ACT provides another path that can enrich and deepen your life.

In this series, we’ll be covering the six components of psychological flexibility that make up the foundation of ACT.  These include contact with the present moment, acceptance, defusion, values, self as context, and committed action. 

Contact with the Present Moment

Consider the thoughts you’ve had in the past hour.  How many of them have been about something that’s coming up in the future?  What about past experiences and events?  Or have any of them been focused on what’s happening right now?

The majority of our thoughts are focused on recalling past events or planning for the future, rather than being in the present.  Therefore, we don’t accurately observe what we’re experiencing in the moment.  Our lack of connection to present experience causes us to feel confused when we react in a way we don’t expect to certain situations.  We don’t often understand the cause and effect of our actions because we are distracted by our thoughts.

Contact with the present moment requires you to “be here now.”  Be present with your thoughts.  Be aware of what is happening in your body.  Notice the sensations you feel, the ways in which your five senses are interacting with the world around you.  Be conscious of your emotional landscape.  In essence, this component invites you to bring attention to your current experience without the filter of your thoughts and judgments. 

Principles

Nonjudgmental awareness

What does it mean to bring attention to your experience without a filter?  It requires you to contextualize your emotions, sensations, thoughts, and urges as data of which to take note, rather than interpreting those events with certain labels or assumptions.

We tend toward these judgments naturally.  Have you ever had thoughts like, “This is bad,” “I am stupid,” or “That would be perfect”?  Most commonly, we label things as “good” or “bad.”  For example, you might feel excitement about an upcoming event and label that experience as “good,” but fear about driving through rush hour traffic is labeled as “bad.”  On the way, a car could cut you off in traffic, and you automatically have a negative thought about someone else, label the thought as “bad,” and become angry with yourself for having that thought. 

Instead of jumping to judge, this component encourages you to approach those thoughts and emotions differently.  Notice what happens and occurs in your body instead of instantly moving to label or assume something about yourself or someone else.

Let go of the “why”

We often seek to make meaning out of our experiences, whether consciously or not.  We have a natural tendency to try to figure out why things work the way we do, including our minds and our bodies.  However, that can sometimes backfire and prove unhelpful, particularly in situations that have many factors outside of your control.

Attempting to find the meaning behind an accident or sudden death can keep you stuck in pain much longer than is needed.  Similarly, wondering why you’ve been hit with chronic pain or illness simply intensifies the experience.  Staying with the present moment and experience without venturing into the “why” of it is another way to prevent losing contact with the present.

Mindfulness as an access point

Mindful awareness in ACT is intended to help you come to know and understand yourself more fully.  The purpose of mindfulness here, moreso than relaxation, is to recognize our minds, feelings, urges, body sensations, and experiences in a way that helps us come to terms with our reality.  Mindfulness is not emptying the mind, controlling the mind, or focusing concentration. Mindfulness can happen even if you aren’t sitting still or you struggle to focus on your body.  Any moment can provide an opportunity to check in and become more aware of your internal landscape.

There is no right or wrong way to approach mindfulness.  In fact, the way in which we approach mindful awareness can often teach us something about how we are living our lives and the challenges we experience.  Have trouble connecting with your body? That’s a piece of data you can take away and learn about yourself.  Find yourself falling asleep when you try to do a mindful breathing exercise? That could hint at some clues about your pace of life or your needs for sleep.  Let the process of mindfulness be another source of learning about yourself.

Practices

Create intentional space for mindful awareness

In your busy day, you might find it difficult to devote an extended period of time to a guided meditation or mindfulness exercise.  Instead, look for opportunities to create a moment or two where you pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and experiences in the present moment in a different manner than you would normally.  I’ve written previous articles about quick meditations or simple grounding exercises that may provide helpful strategies or ideas to implement this.

Use formal or informal practice

You might be someone who is well served by setting aside a specific time each day for a mindfulness meditation or grounding exercise, like those listed in the article above.  If that describes you, find a time in your day where you can slot 10-15 minutes to sit quietly, breathe, and bring awareness to your internal experience.  Meditation apps like Headspace or Calm may help you if guidance would feel supportive.

But what if you don’t have the time to set aside for mindfulness meditation?  Remember what we discussed earlier – you can be mindful at any moment throughout your day.  Bring awareness to the warm water on your hands and the smell of dish soap as you wash the dishes.  Notice the thoughts that are running through your mind while you’re out for a walk.  Pay attention to the feelings that arise in you while you’re having a conversation with your spouse or a friend.  Any moment can be a mindful moment if you choose to bring present awareness to your thoughts, emotions, sensations, and urges.

Build in a daily pause

Create a time each day where you can slow down and observe or describe your experiences.  This might be first thing in the morning before you hop out of bed or as you prepare to fall asleep.  You may want to set an alarm for some point during the day as a reminder to check in with your internal experience.  Focus on what’s happening, rather than interpreting what is happening through a label of judgment.  What’s more important for you is the growing awareness of what is happening internally, not the mind’s interpretation of what is happening.

Make it work for you

Don’t allow someone to tell you, “you need to meditate every day for 15 minutes or else you’re doing it wrong.”  As mentioned earlier, there is no right or wrong way to be mindful!  Adapt what works for your circumstances at this point in your life.  Allow for flexibility as you seek to connect more with the present moment, and let go of any rigid expectations or needs for the time.  Often you’ll find that it’s challenging to become aware of the present moment, or your experience doesn’t go how you would expect.  Resist the urge to label that as a “bad” experience and instead remember that it is all normal, part of the learning process, and also providing you with helpful information about yourself.

Keep an eye out in future weeks as we continue to explore the different components of psychological flexibility found in ACT that can help you get unstuck in your healing process.

The ACT Matrix: A Map to Awareness and Empowerment for Change

Imagine you wake up in the morning full of energy, looking forward to what you have planned for the day.  As you step into the kitchen to make your coffee, you think of the big presentation you have coming up for work.  Suddenly, you start feeling afraid and nervous as you imagine everything that could go wrong.  Thoughts of insecurity begin to flood your mind: “I can’t do this.  I don’t know enough to give this presentation.  This is going to be a disaster.”

The energy you felt getting out of bed is draining fast.  After pouring yourself a cup of coffee, instead of tackling your emails or the tasks you had planned to complete in the morning, you end up sitting on the couch and scrolling through Instagram.  Maybe you give up on the coffee altogether and go back to bed.  Or you pick a fight with your spouse when they walk into the kitchen to let out some of the stress and anxiety you’re feeling.

Later in the day, you think back and wonder, “How in the world did that happen?  My morning was going great, and then everything fell apart so quickly.  Why does this happen to me?”

Oftentimes, we find ourselves in frustrating patterns of behavior that make us unhappy, but we’re not quite sure how to change them.  Often these concerns lead people to seek out counseling.  They know there’s something wrong, but they just aren’t sure how to fix it.

Luckily, there is a tool for making sense of these thoughts, behaviors, and feelings: the ACT matrix.  It is a guide to seeing your behavior within the framework of what inner and outer experiences move you toward or away from what really matters to you.

The ACT Matrix

The ACT Matrix was developed out of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which emphasizes the balance between acceptance of your current reality (supported by mindfulness and self-soothing strategies) and commitment to change what is within your control (supported by behavior change strategies and skill-building).  The goal of this framework is to move toward change with compassion and self-understanding, integrating nonjudgmental awareness and making peace with challenging emotions and experiences.

The ACT matrix tool was developed as a way to visually represent this framework.  It was created by Kevin Polk, Jerold Hambright, and Mark Webster for use with trauma and addictions.

Credit: Dr. Kevin Polk

The matrix helps you see the function of your behaviors, or how and why they work (or don’t work) for you.  Understanding these foundations can help you take a more holistic, compassionate, and long-lasting approach to change.

The Horizontal Axis: Moving Toward vs. Away

Looking at the diagram above, you’ll notice a horizontal line with the labels “toward” and “away.”  This axis represents how we move in each of these two directions.  We have hard-wired biological responses that move us toward things that feel important to us and away from potential threats or what we do not want.  Consider the instincts of animals in the wild: they move toward things that provide something they need (food, shelter, other animals of their kind) and away from threats (predators, wildfires, humans). 

The Vertical Axis: Inner vs. Outer Experience

As humans, however, we don’t live our lives purely on instinct.  We can observe and respond to stimuli that are outside of ourselves, but we also have a vibrant inner world that influences and shapes our responses.  We can use reason, control impulses, make decisions, and weigh options.

The vertical axis on the diagram represents this shift between our inner and outer worlds.  Our outer experiences are things we do that other people could observe, including behaviors or actions.  Our inner experiences are what happens inside our mind and body: thoughts, feelings, sensations, decisions, etc.

In every moment of our lives, we exist somewhere on this vertical line.  Either we are more connected to our internal world, absorbed by the thoughts and feelings associated with it.  Or we are more connected to the outer experience, what we’re doing or what’s happening around us.

The Matrix as a Road Map

Consider that each of these axes are a continuum.  Rather than living in all-or-nothing, this matrix provides a road map to identify what can move you closer to one side or the other.  There are a range of possibilities to explore along each of these lines.

Creating Your Matrix Map

Now, let’s consider how you can reflect on your personal values to fill out this road map and identify what patterns are keeping you stuck.  We do this through a series of four questions that guide you to identify how you are moving toward or away from your goals, and how your internal experience as well as your behavior play a role in that dynamic.  Let’s start with the bottom right quadrant.

Quadrant 1 (bottom right - moving toward, inner experience)

What matters to me?  What is important to me?  What values do I hold?

Write a list in this quadrant of what is most important to you.  Aim for about 4-5 people, things, concepts, values that are most significant.  Reflect on what they mean for you.  For example, if one of your values is “happiness,” consider what your ideal picture of happiness would look like.

Quadrant 2 (bottom left – moving away, inner experience)

What thoughts, feelings, urges, or other internal experiences get in the way of living into those values?  What limits me from being able to have what is important to me?

Reflect on the internal experience that gets in the way of the full expression of those values.  Perhaps your lack of confidence prevents you from being able to date and pursue marriage, which is valuable to you.  Maybe you feel bouts of intense sadness and grief over the loss of a loved one, which is preventing you from living out your goal to achieve at work or pursue friendships.

Quadrant 3 (top left – moving away, outer experience)

When I have the thoughts and feelings in quadrant 2, what do I do?  How do I respond in observable behaviors?

Now it’s time to see how these thoughts and feelings influence your behaviors and how you respond.  These may include attempts at coping with the troubling internal experience, for better or for worse.  What you’re looking for here is anything that moves you away from what is important to you.  For example, you may find yourself overeating every time you feel lonely.  Or you drink more when you’re dealing with a storm of insecure thoughts. Perhaps you withdraw and isolate from others when you’re feeling lonely or rejected.

Quadrant 4 (top right – moving toward, outer experience)

What can I do to move me toward what is important to me?

The ultimate goal of this guide map is to help you brainstorm and define ways to increase movement toward the things that are important to you.  By reflecting on the first three quadrants, you may be able to clarify for yourself what behaviors support your values and goals.  You might identify initiating a date with your spouse as an action that moves you toward intimacy in your marriage.  Or you might include exercise or getting more sleep if one of your values involves health and fitness.

Feedback Loops

Often where we get stuck is in the interplay between quadrants two and three.  Look at the behaviors you listed in quadrant 3.  When you engage in those behaviors, how do they impact your thoughts, feelings, urges, and inner experience?  Typically, they either reinforce the internal experience that’s already happening, or they create another inner dynamic that moves you away from what you value.

When we have an inner experience that is challenging, distressing, or painful, we respond to that experience with behaviors that reinforce it and send us back into the pain.  No wonder we find ourselves stuck in those loops!  But there’s good news: once you’re aware that this feedback loop is happening, you can change the way you interact with it, often by using the behaviors involved in quadrant 4.

Compassion

One strength of the ACT matrix approach is looking at these behaviors with a nonjudgmental lens.  When you see where they fit on this road map, you can identify how they function. All behaviors have a function and work to serve that function, even if they seem confusing or counterintuitive.  Another way to explain this is that everything you do works for you in some way – otherwise, you wouldn’t be doing it.  What you need to ask yourself is what function that behavior is serving in your life.

For example, if you find yourself endlessly scrolling through social media, perhaps that behavior is serving a numbing function.  Maybe it is a way to feel connected when you’re isolated from loved ones.  Or perhaps it’s a springboard for creative ideas.  Each of these potential functions (and sometimes a combination of several) drives and motivates this behavior. 

Seek to offer kindness to yourself and explore where you are on the continuum without judgment, exploring where you might want to go and what steps you can take to get there.

Agency

Some versions of this matrix include a circle at the center that overlaps all quadrants.  This circle represents you as the observer, becoming aware of the system of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that influence you.  Awareness of the system can lead you to reflect on what’s in charge of the systems in place: for example, who is in charge of choosing what’s important to you (quadrant 1)?  Who is having these thoughts and emotional responses (quadrant 2)? Who is acting on these behaviors in response to the thoughts and feelings (quadrant 3)? The answer to all these questions is you.

This demonstrates how much agency you have over these areas of your life, empowering you to change.  If you are the one in charge, then you are the one capable of creating change in your life.  You can become aware of the feedback loops in your life and explore alternative options.  You can learn new skills to move you toward what is important to you.  Even small changes like intentional mindful breathing can shift your experience between your inner and outer world, demonstrating the control you have over your moment-by-moment experience.

Spend a day observing your movement on this ACT matrix: how your thoughts and actions influence how connected you are to your inner or outer experience, or how much you are moving toward what feels important or moving away from it. Become more conscious of the behaviors that move you toward what matters to you and to reduce the intensity of the feedback loops you experience.

If you find yourself noticing these patterns but still feeling stuck or unable to change, that’s where a good therapist can help you work through those stuck points. 

Additional ACT Matrix Resources

• Kevin Polk, one of the creators of the ACT Matrix, has trainings to understand this concept further through his ACT Matrix Academy.

• Mark Webster, another contributor to the matrix, has a three-part YouTube series demonstrating how it works.

• Jacob Martinez, an ACT matrix trainer, has resources at his ACT Naturally website.

Personal Strides in Partner Recovery: The Importance of Participating in Your Own Healing Work

If you are a partner of a sex and love addict, chances are you responded to the discovery of your significant other’s addiction with a mix of emotions: anger, fear, hurt, grief, rage, sadness, loneliness.  These emotions often come out of nowhere and blindside you.  You then have to deal with triggers that arise unexpectedly and bring surges of these intense emotions back.  You’re constantly revising history with the new information about the addiction at the forefront.

Just like anyone who has suffered an unexpected and devastating trauma, recovery from the revelation of a significant other’s sex and love addiction can be challenging and take time and a lot of work.  But one place that I see partners get stuck is with their eyes on the addict rather than their eyes on their own healing.

Where You Get Stuck

Immediately following discovery, your pain can serve as part of the push that generates enough discomfort for the addict to get into treatment and turn their life around.  This is often a good thing!  But not every addict responds in this way.  Sometimes the addict refuses help or seems half-hearted in their attempts to achieve sobriety.

In these situations, you might respond by focusing on the addict’s recovery: what he’s doing or not doing, how he is changing or growing in empathy, or a lack of change.  Being aware of these changes (or lack thereof) isn’t all bad.  It becomes a problem, however, when it’s all you think about.  When how well you are doing depends on the addict’s progress, that can lead to a tug-of-war in your relationship as you attempt to gain control over the impact of his addiction and his approach to recovery.

In attempting to take control of the addict’s recovery, you are trying to control your significant other’s choices, thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  But these areas aren’t something you have power over: their choice and responsibility belongs to them.  Attempts at control might include threats, manipulation, passive-aggressive comments, or constant criticism.

This response makes sense in light of powerlessness and fear that come with betrayal trauma.  But over time, you’ll see that it leaves you feeling hopeless, trapped, angry, and restless. 

What Could Be Beneath

Often, when partners shift into fix-it mode or any of these attempts to control their spouse’s recovery, it hints that they might be avoiding more painful emotions or uncomfortable realities they are now forced to face.  These might include the process of grief associated with finding out the person you married wasn’t who you thought they were.  It could involve insecurity about yourself, reminders of past experiences of trauma with an addicted family member, or re-organizing your concept of safety because of the addict’s deception.  You might be battling feelings of shame that prevent you from being able to share about your experience with others.

When you shift your gaze to your own healing work, you can finally experience the relief and freedom from chaos for which you’ve been longing.  You can move toward facing the reality of your current circumstance and taking decisive action to heal and become empowered. 

Practical Ways to Focus on Your Healing

Practice acceptance and commitment.

When I hear the Serenity Prayer, I think of the balance of acceptance and commitment: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  For you as a healing partner, this requires acceptance or recognition of the reality that your addicted partner is dealing with a legitimate addiction that has caused legitimate trauma, pain, and harm to you and others.  Courage and commitment come when you make empowered choices and recognize the control you have over your own life, response, and healing.

An important note: acceptance does not mean pretending that everything is okay and that you aren’t hurting.  That is denial, not acceptance.  Acceptance instead means recognizing that what has happened has actually happened and that it cannot be changed by wishing it were different.

The Karpman drama triangle can help us recognize reality.  When we look at the dance of the roles of victim-perpetrator-rescuer, we can identify where we’ve been swept up into the drama of addiction.  Recognize the drama you tend toward and learn ways to step outside the drama by identifying your own responsibility and making choices that reflect that.

Gear up with self-care.

Going through the trauma of the discovery of sex and love addiction is like getting in a car accident: you sustain injuries, some of which are plain to the eye, and some of which are invisible.  You need to take time and space to heal physical injuries by taking care of yourself: doing physical therapy, having regular doctor’s visits, eating and sleeping to recover, and resting your body.  Similarly, recovering from the wound of a betrayal requires you to take time and space to heal. 

Vicki Tidwell Palmer suggests focusing on the acronym PIES for self-care: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual self-care.  How can you care for yourself in each of these ways?

Much of this self-care is best in the context of a community of support.  Find support for yourself through a 12 Step fellowship, support group, or a trusted group of friends who you know are safe.  Safe people are people who can handle hearing about what you’ve been going through without siding too strongly with you or with the addict.  They give you space to process and make your own decisions.  Support also comes through professional help with a therapist specialized in working with partners of sex and love addicts.

Learn and set your boundaries.

Boundaries are an important part of recovery from betrayal.  Saying no to continuing to tolerate behaviors that are intolerable while also taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, choices, and attitudes are important pieces of recognizing your limits.  Setting boundaries can involve making requests of your spouse to change a behavior, but it is ultimately your responsibility to care for yourself regardless of their willingness to change.

The purpose of boundaries is to care for yourself, not to punish the addict.  These are not consequences you’re enforcing, like a parent with a child.  Instead, you are adapting your own behavior to respond to your partner’s behaviors  in a way that best cares for you.  One way to conceptualize this difference is to ask yourself: if my spouse never changes, how might I take care of myself?  You can make requests for him or her to change, but ultimately you are responsible for your own well-being and healing.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries in the early days post-discovery often become empty threats.  Threats to file for divorce or leave often get tossed around in the initial impact of the trauma, but usually they aren’t followed through upon.  Instead, define for yourself what your true deal-breakers are: what behaviors, if continued, would lead inevitably to needing to leave the relationship?  If we don’t know the answer to this question, every mistake or misbehavior gets categorized as non-negotiable.  However, if you’re not willing to leave when that behavior occurs, it’s not truly a non-negotiable.  As mentioned earlier, a trained counselor can help you through this process.

Get in touch with your emotions.

Emotional awareness is an important component of betrayal trauma recovery.  Your emotions provide a window to past experiences and clarify pain that needs care.  Emotions also connect to physical symptoms that may be frightening, like panic attacks, heart palpitations, pain with unknown origin, or decreased immunity.  (Note: if you have any of these symptoms, be sure to get checked by your primary care physician to rule out any other causes.)

While there are similarities to the symptoms of trauma, every betrayed partner has a unique, personal experience with discovering their significant other’s addiction.  This is heavily influenced by your unique upbringing with varied levels of trauma or pain.  Recognizing how the emotions that are arising now connect to themes of past experiences can help you heal from past wounds and identify what your needs are in the present.  As you become aware of your personal emotional reaction, you might also recognize what you might be avoiding by focusing on your partner’s recovery rather than your own healing.

Recognize distorted thought patterns.

Begin to recognize the common thought patterns that either allowed you to stick your head in the sand and avoid seeing the addiction, or that are chipping away at your confidence and ability to be empowered. Common distorted or unhelpful belief patterns involved in betrayal trauma recovery include such thoughts as:

• The addiction is my fault.  I wasn’t a good enough partner.

• I don’t deserve any better due to my shameful past.

• If only I had done ________ differently, this wouldn’t have happened.

• Other people don’t have to deal with this: I wish I could be like them.

• It isn’t the addict’s fault. It’s the fault of the pornography industry/affair partner/addict’s work environment.

• I can’t make it on my own.  I can’t survive without my spouse.

Do any of these phrases or other similar thoughts run through your mind?  Identifying which thoughts come up most often for you and dismantling them to uncover the truth is an essential part of your recovery journey.

Identify your particular tone of trauma.

In the same way that your emotional landscape is influenced by past experiences in your family-of-origin or other areas, the way in which trauma manifests often carries echoes of the past.  What trauma symptoms do you most identify with?  Do you feel trauma physically?  Emotionally?  Spiritually?  How might this be similar to what you’ve experienced with past trauma or with your family growing up?

If you recognize a history of past trauma that pre-dated the discovery of the addiction, it wouldn’t be surprising to have reminders of that past trauma resurface post-discovery.  Methods such as EMDR can help you process and heal those experiences such that you’re not carrying the pain from those into the challenging work of betrayal trauma recovery.

Letting Go of Shame as Essential to Sex Addiction Recovery

Addiction is thorny.  Every addict knows this.  Once it has its claws in you, it can feel impossible to disentangle yourself from it.  The relief that comes from being discovered and/or finally taking the first step to get help is tangible.  Finally, you don’t have to be dealing with this by yourself anymore.  Finally, you have an excuse to make it stop and the motivation or resolve to do so.

But what happens when that motivation fades?  Sure, you’ll be committed early on, attending meetings or support groups, meeting regularly with your therapist, following the program…until it starts to get too hard.  Maybe the motivation you had to quit goes away, in the form of a separation from a spouse or consequences fading in intensity.  Maybe you lose sight of your reasons why for stopping.  Or maybe the pain of the recovery process becomes too great and you have to escape back into something that is self-soothing, comforting, familiar.

So you relapse.  And upon relapse, the shame you’ve been holding at bay with recovery work comes crashing down on you again.  And to avoid or self-medicate away from that shame (because it is impossibly painful) you act out again, continue to go back to your addiction because it’s what feeds you.  Maybe there’s a part of you that desperately wants to get out, that knows the destruction your addiction can cause, that it already has caused.  But then there’s another part of you that says you can’t live without your addiction.  That it’s the only thing keeping you sane, keeping you holding on, keeping you alive.

And so these two sides are at war.  Pulling back and forth, hoping to motivate you on one side, hoping to destroy you on the other.

“There’s another part of you that says you can’t live without your addiction. That it’s the only thing keeping you sane, keeping you holding on, keeping you alive.”

Add in additional shame because you can’t stop, further consequences to your behavior that result from your relapse, and the dopamine and adrenaline rush that feel more intense because you haven’t acted out in a long time, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

In early recovery, I often hear vestiges of the war: wanting so desperately to stop but feeling completely unable to.  The addict part of you convincing that it isn’t all that bad, or that you’re hopeless and without strength to stop.  Or the reality that you really just don’t want to stop because it feels good and offers relief from the pain of daily living.  These admissions are often then followed with shame-based beliefs about yourself: I’m a horrible person, I’m never going to get better, There’s something wrong with me, I’m disgusting, I’m worthless, I’m weak.

What’s the quickest remedy for shame?  Escaping into addiction.

Addiction feeds off of shame. So before we can truly bring addiction to an end, live in recovery and achieve sobriety, the shame needs to be addressed as well.  Otherwise you just end up as a dry drunk.

Here’s where acceptance comes in.

Acceptance?  What?  So I’m just supposed to accept that I’m a lost cause and act out as much as I want to?  The addict part of me really likes that, but the healthy part knows that’s not good.

“Before we can truly bring addiction to an end, live in recovery and achieve sobriety, the shame needs to be addressed.”

True, if you look at acceptance as a free license to do whatever you want, that’s a problem.  That’s typically where addicts get entrenched in self-aggrandizement and self-deception as a way of denying and avoiding the reality of their addiction.

Acceptance is an important step in releasing yourself from shame, but it doesn’t stop there.  We’ll get to the next part in a moment, but for now, let’s start with acceptance.

How does it feel to say to yourself: I’m a horrible, disgusting person who doesn’t deserve good things?  If this is the language you use to describe yourself, no wonder you want to run away into addiction, into something that helps you feel better.

But what if, instead of beating yourself up for your addiction, you sought to make sense of it?

Hear me out: addiction doesn’t develop out of nowhere.  Research has shown that sex addicts often carry stories of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect.  Neglect, in particular, is hard to see because it’s the absence of something good in our upbringing.  Because we consider our own upbringings to be “normal”, we don’t see it as neglect. 

Even if you don’t have abuse or neglect in your story, the world we live in offers pornography at the ready with the few clicks of a button.  Pornography is designed to draw you in, flood your brain with dopamine and keep you coming back for more.  It’s an industry, after all, and they want to make sure you continue to “buy” their product.  Never mind the fact that regular use affects the neurocircuitry of your brain to make real-life partners less attractive, sexual desire harder to drum up, and creates a pattern of dependency on the images for sexual release.

Examine the origins of your addiction story.  Where did it start?  What was going on in your life at the time?  Were you experiencing pain or distress?  Even what you might consider “normal” pain like a breakup, a parental divorce, teasing at school, feelings of loneliness – what did the sexual behavior help you avoid?

When you pick up a habit that helps you cope, you tend to repeat it in adult life even if it’s not working anymore or its hurting you.  Sexual behavior, beyond just a habit for coping, is self-reinforcing as it alters your brain to offer such a potent rush of feel-good neurochemicals every time you engage in it.   

No wonder you keep going back to something that feels that good.  You learned it worked, and so you’ll repeat it. 

“When you pick up a habit that helps you cope, you tend to repeat it in adult life even if it’s not working anymore or its hurting you.”

And you aren’t the only one who’s had this experience.  There wouldn’t be books written about sex addiction, research articles on the effects of porn on the brain, and 12 Step and support groups about this issue if you were the only one who struggled with it.

Allowing the addictive behavior to “make sense” releases the stigma of shame.  It’s not that you’re a horrible person – you’ve (in essence) conditioned your brain such that you go to sex to give you relief from stress or pain.   

So now what?  Sure, it makes sense, but does that give me free license to do it whenever I want?

Not exactly.  See, realizing that it makes sense and acknowledging that for yourself is freeing.  It means that you’re not alone and that others have found a way out of this, even when they’ve been in the midst of an intense relapse or full-on addiction.

Remember earlier when I said there would be a next step beyond acceptance?  That step is commitment.

Commitment to change.  Commitment to recovery.  Commitment to carry out the life values that are important to you.  Commitment to people.  Commitment to yourself.

Understanding commitment requires a vision for your future.  Shame destroys any hope for the future, so it follows that vision is only established when you accept that you aren’t hopeless or a lost cause, because it makes sense why you would choose addiction. Knowing others have been able to get out of it bolsters that hope.

Why do you want to stop?  What has it cost you to stay addicted?  What have you lost?  What are you at risk of losing if you don’t stop?

Imagine your future if you don’t stop acting out.  What would that look like?  How does that make you feel?  Imagine your current or future marriage or relationships falling apart, your addiction escalating into behaviors that are illegal, your body ravaged by disease, the impacts on the women or men you objectify and treat as sex objects instead of people.  The addict part of yourself might say, “well that’ll never happen to me,” but anecdotal evidence says otherwise. 

Pause: do I need to remind you of the acceptance piece again to release some of the shame of recognizing the impact of your addiction?  It makes sense why you’re acting out, and there is hope for you to change.  Got it? 

Now envision your life without the addiction.  What matters to you?  What feels important to you?  What would you spend your time doing?  This may be morbid but - what do you want to be remembered for after you die?

Once you have that vision in mind, recognize that the vision you have will not happen overnight.  You can’t scale Everest in a day, and you’d almost certainly die without training.  Instead, you need to take each day at a time, each step at a time.  You need to “train” for your recovery journey by doing small, concentrated tasks that move you closer to your goals of sobriety and recovery.

Join a 12 Step group.  Choose to spend one day without acting out.  Start to exercise more or pick up a hobby that you’ve been meaning to do.  Reach out to a friend or 12 Step member when you’re feeling triggered.  Go to a therapy session.  Work on a workbook or book related to treating sex addiction.   

“You need to “train” for your recovery journey by doing small, concentrated tasks that move you closer to your goals of sobriety and recovery.”

And most important, don’t expect that you’ll be able to do this all at once.  Take it one step at a time: but be sure to take that step. 

And when you find yourself beating yourself up for not accomplishing your vision RIGHT NOW, take a step back and remind yourself of acceptance.

“My name is _______.  I am a sex addict.  I am in recovery.  I have ___ days/years/minutes/ hours of sobriety, and I choose to be sober in this moment.  I know the addiction comes from my story, and I know I am not alone.  I will focus on this task to support my recovery today: (going for a walk, reading my 12 Step literature, sending a text to my sponsor, staying focused on my work, installing a filter on my computer).  My addiction does not define me: it is not who I am.”  

The View from the Therapist's Chair: A Review of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb

There’s an old adage in the therapy world that therapists are best equipped to help others walk through difficult experiences when we’ve done our own therapeutic work. It can seem strange to imagine your therapist getting help, but the truth is that many of us do. And when we do, it makes us better at helping others.

Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist who entered the field later in life. While she was a therapist in private practice, she ran into her own personal issues and decided it was time for her to seek out therapy for herself.  This is the story of her parallel process: what she was experiencing in her own therapy and personal life and how those were impacted by what was happening in her sessions with her patients.   

As a therapist myself, this book resonated with me deeply.  In some ways, it felt like my own personal diary.  Hearing her walk through her struggles and describe them in clinical language that is familiar to me from grad school helped me to relate even more deeply to the story.  This book reminded me of things I know but often forget about my field of work and practicing psychotherapy.

At the same time, there were elements that were tough and challenged me as a therapist.  Reading this book helped me humbly reconsider the way I approach therapy and run my sessions.

Whether you are currently in therapy, are considering beginning now, or are a therapist who is hoping to begin your own journey through therapy, I’d recommend taking a glance at this book.  Here are a few of my takeaways.

Good therapists are self-aware enough to seek out their own therapy when needed.

We all go through difficulties in life and moments of grief or trauma, including therapists.  Therapists especially need of extra support because we are holding the pain of the stories of the people we help. 

What therapists learn from their own experiences in therapy informs their work with you.  You can often feel it in how they hold themselves in sessions.  In fact, I recommend you ask your therapist if he or she does their own therapy to find out this fact.

Most of our problems boil down to relationships and connection (or lack thereof) with others.

Think about what you seek out help for in therapy.  How many of those issues are directly or indirectly related to relationships?  The therapeutic relationship becomes essential in healing when you realize this fact. 

Your therapist likely genuinely loves and cares for you.  You share a lot of vulnerable parts of your story with them, which invites intimacy.  I feel that way about my own clients.

The therapeutic relationship also provides a corrective process to “repetition compulsion.” Repetition compulsion involves looking to receive love in the same way you did from parents as a child, even though it may have been abusive or harmful, because that feels normal.  Therapy can teach you that it feels good to be cared for and loved in a healthy way.

Good work in therapy is slower than you might expect.

Patience is a skill that is both developed by participating in psychotherapy and also needs to continue developing as healing happens on its own timeline.  You’ll take many small steps toward health over a long period of time.  Gottlieb says, “A supervisor once likened doing psychotherapy to undergoing physical therapy.  It can be difficult and cause pain, and your condition can worsen before it improves, but if you go consistently and work hard when you’re there, you’ll get the kinks out and function so much better.”  Each of those small steps or transformations has a big impact. 

“Most big transformations come about from the hundreds of tiny, almost imperceptible, steps we take along the way.”

— Lori Gottlieb

Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerabilities.

Gottlieb says that patients often put on their best faces in therapy when what psychotherapists want is to see the real, human parts of who you are.  We want to see what’s not working, and that usually means you’ll have to engage with uncomfortable feelings and face the parts you’re hiding in the process. 

In a story Gottlieb shares about her own therapist, she says that his eyes communicate a clear message to her. “In this room I’m going to see you, and you’ll try to hide, but I’ll still see you and it’s going to be okay when I do.”  This is the essence of a strong therapeutic relationship, and it is what I aim for. 

I expect that there will be resistance in therapy: lying, posturing, hiding parts of yourself.  You’re going to be trying to maintain an illusion, and my goal is to break through it.  It’s okay if you resist this process: it can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Recognize the resistance when it comes, and be willing to talk about it.

Acceptance is the key to healing.

This book explores the concept of acceptance in depth.  She learns to accept the fact that she doesn’t always know why she does what she does.  Not everything will end with a neat and tidy bow, because that isn’t realistic.  In therapy, you’ll learn how to recognize and accept feelings, including anger, and what lies underneath those emotions.  You’ll come to understand your resistance, avoidance, and hesitancy.

You’ll learn about how you picked up coping mechanisms to survive when you were younger that may no longer be the best choice for you.  What are you using to protect yourself and avoid reality?  Instead of being afraid and denying these things, accept that they are there and be curious about what they have to teach you.

One pattern I notice in clients is that they beat themselves up for feeling pain when they compare their lives to how difficult others have it around the world.  If you have this thought, realize that it is not fair to you and not fair to your experience of pain to compare like this.  Gottlieb repeats several times in this book that, “There is no hierarchy of pain.”  What you’re facing is what you’re facing, and it’s affecting you differently than it would anyone else.  It’s fruitless to compare it to someone else and come up feeling bad about yourself for hurting.

You are the one doing the work of therapy.

Therapy is about a series of small steps you take to heal.  I, or any other therapist for that matter, can’t do this work for you.  It would actually hurt you if I tried.  I can’t save you – you need to learn to come to your own rescue.  I can’t make choices for you, and you’ll find that I often counter requests for advice with further questions.  Giving advice hurts rather than helps: you need to come to your own decisions. 

This book taught me to be more reflective about what happens in my sessions with my clients and to integrate who they are as a person into what causes distress for them.  When I have a good understanding of who is sitting across from me, I can allow them to do the hard work of therapy and simply gently guide them in the direction.

“Rather than steering people straight to the heart of the problem, we nudge them to arrive there on their own, because the most powerful truths – the ones people take the most seriously – are those they come to, little by little, on their own.”

— Lori Gottlieb

And finally, learn to be kind to yourself.

As Gottlieb reminds us, “Most of what we say to ourselves we’d never say to people we love or care about, like our friends or children.  In therapy, we learn to pay close attention to those voices in our heads so that we can learn a better way to communicate with ourselves.” Practice kindness toward yourself by changing the words you use to speak to yourself into ones you might share with a loved one instead.

How Do I Stop Myself? Seven Ways to Cope with Triggers of Addiction

Andrea is walking through the mall when she hears a familiar sound playing through the speakers.  She can’t quite make it out at first, but she notices a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She stops in her tracks and listens, finally making out the melody.  It hits her – this was the song she and one of her previous affair partners had called “their song.”  Flooded with emotions of fear, anxiety, longing, and dread, she turns on her heel and exits the mall at close to a sprint.

What Andrea experienced in that moment is what therapists who specialize in addiction treatment call a “trigger.”  Often sensory memories, such as the taste of a delicious meal, the smell of perfume, or seeing a beautiful view can remind you of fond memories.  However, for addicts, triggers like these can bring back thoughts, memories, or feelings that have to do with the addiction.  These triggers often cause an immediate, visceral response in the addict.  This response can be accompanied by reminders of the drug of choice.  Triggers become particularly impactful when the addict is facing stress.

If you often find yourself in a spot where you’re feeling triggered, what can you do about it?

While the ultimate goal of recovery from addiction involves identifying triggers and planning for them ahead of time, as well as reducing the effects they have, you may come across a time where you are triggered unexpectedly and wondering how to handle the ensuing emotions and memories.  Here are some ideas of what to do:

Stop and ask yourself the question: “Do I want to get well?” 

Marnie Ferree, in her book No Stones, references the story in the Bible recorded in John 5 of a crippled man who had been waiting at the healing pool of Bethesda to wash himself in the waters.  When Jesus approaches him to heal him, He first asks him this question: Do you want to get well? 

Marnie names this as the most important question for recovering addicts, adding, “Your recovery will depend on how you answer this question on a daily basis.  Your yes will simplify many of the choices you’ll have to make.  Let your vision of sobriety and healing motivate and encourage you."

Questioning yourself in this way is a technique that comes from the theory of motivational interviewing, which has been shown in some studies to change a nicotine addict’s response to the trigger of tobacco.  It helps you to connect with the delayed consequences of your actions, rather than just being caught up in the immediate gratification that addictive behavior gives.

Practice quality self-care.

In our driven and self-motivated culture, self-care strategies are very often pushed to the side or forgotten about completely.  In fact, lack of self-care can a contributor to addictive behavior, as cravings are often worsened by stress or a desire to escape from the realities of life.

While self-care can include such activities as exercise and journaling, a self-care strategy that is particularly potent for fighting back against addiction is gratitude.  Practicing gratitude helps to slow the deprivation mentality that accompanies addiction, instead replacing it with joy in response to the good things present in your life.

Practice acceptance.

If you have struggled with addictive behaviors, your brain has been trained to respond to triggers by turning to the addictive behaviors.  Part of the reason this connection is so strong is because often, addictive behaviors met what they promised, even if it was only for a moment. Rather than shaming yourself for that tendency, offer yourself grace and remind yourself that these thoughts are normal for people in recovery.  Remind yourself that you’re re-learning new patterns, and take time to engage in those new patterns right then and there.  Accepting the past and making a choice to live differently puts you in a position one step above the addiction, as you reclaim your power and strength over the behaviors.

Engage with your desires.

Often, the underlying cause of addictive behaviors is a desire to fulfill a legitimate need, but the fulfillment is carried out in a way that is destructive.  The acronym HALT is often used with addiction: that triggers are more likely to affect you if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Instead of choosing to run to addiction, take some time to slow down, name the desire (even if it’s just for a delicious meal!), and find ways to meet that desire in a healthy way.  For sex and love addicts, the underlying desire behind addictive behaviors is often intimacy and connection, which is why relationships with others in 12-Step groups or therapy groups can often provide a healthy way to meet that desire.  For Christians, engaging with desire can look like connecting with God in prayer, naming the desires you have, and seeking to trust him with the desires not yet met.

Reach out to your social support.

If you are in recovery, it is important to link yourself up with people who can support you and who know the whole story.  While this support network may begin with just your therapist, your therapist will likely encourage you to join a 12-Step group (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) or support group in order to find others with whom you can empathize and receive help.  If you notice a trigger, call your sponsor or a trusted friend from your support network to be able to talk you through it or be with you in it.  The most effective way to interrupt your addictive cycle is to talk through it with someone.

Take a mindful moment.

Mindfulness helps you to re-center yourself on the present moment, rather than getting caught up in memories of the past or desires for the future.  Practicing mindfulness forces you to slow down, pay attention to your emotions, and acknowledge what you’re experiencing.  It also helps you to identify how your thoughts and actions are being influenced by those emotions.  Take some time to practice this grounding exercise that engages your senses: notice five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch, two things you smell, and one thing you taste in the environment around you.

Use affirmations to remind yourself of truth.

As you begin to walk through recovery, you’ll realize how your self-image and negative core beliefs about yourself have influenced your behavior as well as your response to triggering events.  Find words that you can repeat to yourself in the moments where you feel weakest that are in direct contrast to the negative self-talk you use in moments where you are triggered.  These statements can be something along the lines of “I am strong enough to overcome this” or “I am loved.”  Scripture can be used as affirmations as well, with verses such as Philippians 4:13 (“I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” NLT) or Psalm 23:1 (“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.” NLT)

Ultimately, you will not be able to avoid or eliminate triggers altogether in your recovery from addiction.  You cannot control the sights, sounds, and smells that are around you on a daily basis.  What you can do instead is learn to cope with those triggers and put supports in place so that when you are facing a trigger, you know how to best handle it.

This article was originally posted on April 20, 2017.

How Recognizing Grace Transforms Counseling

I’ve been a traveling therapist these past few weeks, jetting off around the country for various conferences. Some have been counselor-focused, and others have been for personal growth and healing, because in order to offer the best care I can to my clients, I need experience my own healing.  I sat in on a talk given at a conference by a favorite speaker of mine, Mark McMinn, who taught my graduate school professors and was influential in my educational experience as a result.  He spoke about integrating grace in his counseling sessions and the impact of the message of grace.  This message felt like a personal devotional time of reconnecting with the grace in my own life.

Here were a few reflections I’ve since had from that session.

How do we define grace?

When I first became a Christian, I had no idea what grace meant.  I’m sure I heard sermons about it, read about it in the Bible, and heard other people talk about their experience of grace, but I was clueless as to how it affected me.  It wasn’t until I read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning that the true message of grace sunk in.  I learned that no matter what I did, no matter what mistakes I made, no matter how many times I failed, I could rest in the love that God had for me and know that it was enough.

McMinn talked about grace in this way: Grace is a free gift of love, forgiveness, and God’s favor with no strings attached.  It is above and beyond all we could ever want or need.  There is no hidden agenda or any way we could pay God back for the grace we receive.  It isn’t contingent on how we respond.  It is unconditional and is given to us before we decide to receive it.  It doesn’t make sense.  It changes us.

Ultimately, grace is about believing that I am enough.

In my personal retreat this past week, I engaged with the question of “Am I enough?”  This is a common question we face, and we often answer this question one way or the other based on what we see in our lives.  But what grace tells us is that our actions cannot add to or detract from our fundamental worth and value.  If I am going to experience grace for myself and extend it to my clients, I must rest in the truth that we each have individual and inherent worth and value, and that because of that, we are enough.

Grace allows us to practice acceptance.

As I talked about in an earlier post, there is a surprising freedom that comes as we take stock of our circumstances and give ourselves grace for how we are handling them.  Often we are plagued by the “tyranny of the shoulds,” where we wonder about how we “should” be facing a certain circumstance, or we fret over how our circumstances are not working out as they “should.”  However, the energy spent on “shoulding” all over ourselves and others simply increases our distress.  As a therapist, one of my goals is accept and love you in the middle of your circumstance, offering you grace when you aren’t able to offer it to yourself, with the hope that you will learn the path to offering grace to yourself.

Our values are incredibly important.

While we may accept our circumstances, that doesn’t mean throwing our hands up in defeat.  Accepting our circumstances doesn’t magically fix them. What it does is provide clarity on what actions we can take to move toward our values.  In the urgency of the day-to-day, we can lose sight of the things most important to us.  If you make a list of all the things you value and compare it to your current schedule, you would likely find some inconsistencies.  Identifying and reminding yourself of your values and choosing to act in accordance to them even amidst chaotic circumstances allows you to experience peace.

Addiction treatment is vastly different with an outlook toward grace.

Manning, the author of the Ragamuffin Gospel, suffered from a lifelong pull toward alcoholism.  Alcoholism and addictions of any kind are driven by shame: as the addict feels shame in their life, they will choose to medicate or run away from that shame with addictive behaviors.  However, addressing shame with grace removes the fuel for the fire of addiction.

Resist shame by befriending the thoughts that are plaguing you.  Accept them, normalize them, and allow them to be there while also making decisions based on your values.  Imagine a sex addict feeling the urge to view pornography.  In the moment when she feels that urge, she may experience shame and “should” all over herself, which will lead her to medicate that shame with the most effective tool she has – acting out in her addiction.  With an approach of grace, however, the addict can choose to normalize her urges (“Of course I’m wanting to view pornography, I’m an addict and there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain.”) and then choose to act in a way that is in alignment with her values (“Sobriety is important to me, so I’m going to choose to call my sponsor instead.”)

Grace is humbling and helps us admit we are wrong.

Grace offers us the opportunity to admit that we don’t have it all together.  Over the years, McMinn named that he had adapted his counseling style from one focused more on concrete thoughts and emotions (cognitive behavioral therapy) to a method that involved more mindful awareness and acceptance of the present state of circumstances (acceptance and commitment therapy).  He even wrote a book about the first style of therapy that he admitted to his audience was not in alignment with what he currently practices.  Grace gives us the humility to adapt and change our response.

We develop empathy as we connect with our personal brokenness.  Accepting grace requires us to admit that we are human, that we’ve failed or done wrong or made a mistake.  It makes it easier to forgive others when we see how broken we are ourselves.  Imagine the difference this could make in marriage if couples extended grace to themselves and to one another.  Imagine the effect this forgiveness could have.

Where do you need grace in your life today?  Are you ready to ask for help?