Surrender to the Process: Task 3 in Carnes’ 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

A common struggle for addicts entering recovery is the tug-of-war of their desires: wanting to stop acting out while still feeling a pull toward addictive behaviors.  Early in recovery, there’s often an expectation from yourself or from a spouse or loved one to change instantaneously.  And at the beginning, that can feel possible: after discovery or disclosure of addiction, you might have an immediate sense of disgust or distaste for the addiction that fuels sobriety. But with time, that initial emotional response subsides, and the addiction can easily come back when the underlying roots of the problem are still hidden.

One of these underlying roots is a sense of control: a belief that you can force yourself to stop your addictive behaviors, you are in control of your own recovery, and you can pick and choose what you do to get better.  Notice, however, that one of the hallmarks of addiction is repeated attempts to stop without success.  Often early attempts to stop are half-hearted, done in isolation, or not informed by recovery principles. 

The momentary willingness that comes after disclosure or discovery will not turn into long-term sobriety unless there is a recognition that past attempts to control don’t work.  Unless there is a true surrender of control, change will not last.

Surrender to the Process vs. Attempts to Control

What is Surrender?

Surrender is a recognition of the reality that you do not have the power to get better from your addiction on your own or by manipulating or controlling your recovery.  This ties into 12 Step work and breaking through denial as you recognize your own powerlessness and unmanageability.

Surrender acknowledges that the attempts you’ve made to change have been futile.  Often, this is because they are done by yourself without the support or accountability of others.  Or because you approach recovery in a piecemeal fashion, only choosing to do some things and leaving behind necessary tasks for your recovery that stir up discomfort.  Or you may be still on the fence about recovery in general.

What is Control?

Control happens when we believe that we are not powerless and that we can do the work of recovery on our own.  This often leads to white-knuckling, a term that refers to forcing yourself to stop acting out behaviors by sheer willpower.  The term “dry drunk” refers to someone who may not be acting out in their addiction, but hasn’t addressed the underlying root causes of the addiction to create lasting, holistic life change because they are still seeking control. 

Control can be obvious, as in some of the examples above, but it can also show up in subtle ways.  When you are only doing some of the work of recovery and ignoring putting into practice that which makes you feel uncomfortable, you are exercising your own control.  Control shows up in comparing yourself to others in recovery, seeing yourself as better or more capable than them.  Thoughts like “if I just do better, then it will all be fine,” are denial statements that foster this sense of control, but then lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, or self-hatred when you cannot follow through on change.  Another indicator is a lack of willingness to rely on others for support or help through the process, meaning you aren’t attending meetings, don’t have a sponsor, and have no accountability with other group members.

Characteristics of Surrender

Surrender requires you to be uncomfortable.  When you’re surrendering to the process of recovery, you will feel discomfort with some of what you are tasked to do.  You might not like some of the early restrictions or accountability you need to put in place, like an internet blocker, location tracking app, or daily accountability with a sponsor.  But remember that picking and choosing what you feel comfortable with in recovery is a setup for slips and relapse.

Surrender releases anxiety to experience peace.  When you are attempting to stay in control, you put incredible pressure on yourself to change on your own, followed by devastating shame when you inevitably fail.  If you choose to surrender to the process, you can experience the peace of knowing that you aren’t alone and help is available. 

Surrender requires that you say no.  You will need to learn what your limits are in recovery.   We like to think that we can do everything we want and resist temptation to act out in addiction, but this isn’t true. One of the ways denial perpetuates addiction is to tell you that you should “test your strength” or “test your resolve” by putting yourself in risky situations. But this is another form of ritual and preparation for acting out.  You need to identify appropriate boundaries and restrictions early on to set yourself up for success.  Addicts are notoriously bad at boundaries – that’s part of the addiction – so surrendering to boundaries that others help you identify or that have been tenets of the 12 Step recovery process are necessary. 

The Spiritual Nature of Surrender

If we can’t do recovery on our own, then what does that mean? Who can do it for us?

Surrender is a spiritual discipline.  Recognizing the role of God in this process is essential.  In 12 Step, incorporating God or your Higher Power involves recognizing something bigger than yourself that is guiding you toward health, because your self isn’t cutting it.  Step Two and Step Three of the 12 Step program dig into this exploration in more detail. 

Surrender to God or a Higher Power can be a tricky endeavor for those whose views of God are complicated, who have difficulty trusting in God, or who don’t believe God has the power to create change.  These roadblocks are worth working out in the context of your 12 Step group or with your sponsor.  At the bare minimum, believing that there is something outside of yourself that will guide you through recovery, even if it is as simple as the 12 Step process or your work with a sponsor, gives you a good place to start.

Practical Steps for Task 3

Ask for help.

The easiest way to recognize surrender in someone is their willingness to no longer tackle the addiction on their own, but to actively seek out help from others.  This can come in the form of joining a 12 Step group, therapy group, support group, or going to counseling.  Take it a step further by connecting with a sponsor or other group members for contact outside of the group.  Recognize that asking for help requires vulnerability and openness: you need to share the realities of your addiction openly with someone rather than offering partial information.

Identify your Higher Power.

This can be the God of the Bible if you are a Christian believer, or can have a foundation from your religious background.  If you chafe at the idea of religion, you may choose the 12 Step group, people who have gone before you in recovery, recovery itself, or a particular value you hold like love or compassion.  Again, seek to identify something bigger than yourself and have conversations with others in the program to open yourself up to faith and be curious about this process. 

Name denial-based roadblocks.

Denial in your thoughts can be a major factor that keeps you in control and prevents you from offering full surrender.  When you look at the subtle types of control listed above, do you identify with any of them?  Make a list of the denial statements that are most common to you that fuel these attempts to control.  They can include thoughts like, “I don’t need to do that,” “I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “other people might need 12 Step, but I don’t.” 

Now consider: what have you tried before in terms of your recovery?  How successful was it?  Is your denial telling you the truth or not?  Look also at what beliefs might be causing you to resist placing trust in your Higher Power or in the support of others.

Grieve the losses associated with surrender.

Surrendering addiction is hard, often because it can feel like you’re giving up the only coping mechanism you have available when stress or other painful emotions arise.  There are aspects of addiction that were appealing or pleasurable to you, and you will need to let go of them.  It also may require you to let go of the belief that you are in control or that you are capable of stopping on your own.  Surrender is a process of letting go.

Remind yourself of your commitment.

When you choose to surrender, it is not a one-and-done moment.  Surrender is a daily practice.  Repeatedly remember your commitment to surrender through a daily reminder, as with a spiritual practice like prayer, journaling, or meditation.  You might choose a mantra or repeated phrase like, “I can’t, but God can,” or “I choose to surrender to the process of recovery.”  Use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Regularly reinforce this commitment through the support of a church or religious community.

Invite others to help with boundary-setting.

As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding and implementation of healthy boundaries is a characteristic of addiction.  Recovery requires going back to basics with boundaries.  Sit down with your sponsor and talk about your limits and what you should say no to in early recovery, even if you don’t want to.  Get specific and honest here about what you truly need.  Your sponsor will help you explore which triggers are in your control and those you can’t control to help you adapt your boundaries accordingly.  Talk to others in your group with similar acting out behaviors about what boundaries they found effective in early recovery and choose to adopt some of theirs if they strike a chord in you.  Read stories of those who have been successful in recovery, many of which can be found in the foundational text of your 12 Step fellowship, and imitate some of the changes they made if they are relevant to you.

Breaking Through Denial: Task 1 in Carnes' 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

What do you do after you realize you have a problem with sex and love addiction?  Maybe you’ve been found out by a spouse or significant other, and you know you need to get help.  Perhaps you’ve had legal or financial consequences that put you in a position to make some serious changes.  You may have even begun therapy with a counselor to address your addictive behaviors.  But what does treatment for sex and love addiction look like?

The 30 Task Model

Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer in research and literature on sex addiction, designed his treatment model centered around 30 essential tasks to recovery.  These 30 tasks are broken into three sections: early recovery tasks, long-term recovery tasks (internal and external), and relational/family recovery.  He explores the first seven of these tasks in his workbook Facing the Shadow, while the next set of tasks is outlined in the follow-up books The Recovery Zone 1 & 2.

While all thirty of these tasks need to be addressed during the 3-5 year period of recovery from addiction, they aren’t necessarily completed in order.  You may find yourself working on spirituality (task #30) while you’re in the early stages of learning more about addiction (task #2) and establishing sobriety (task #5).  Or you may find that, several years into your recovery, you need to break through denial (task #1) about a new area of addiction that has replaced your sexual acting out (task #8).  Or while you’re working on your marriage relationship (task #27), you’re also grieving the losses your addiction has created in your marriage (task #12).

The 30 tasks don’t directly correlate with the 12 Steps, they share much of the same DNA.  For example, task #3 (surrender to the process) is very similar to what you’d find in Step 2 and Step 3.  In fact, task #7 (participate in a culture of support) is implemented through involvement in support groups and 12 Step programs.

The 30 Task Model can give you a roadmap to follow in treatment for sex and love addiction.  They can also be a helpful reference point when you’re in the middle of recovery and looking for what’s next or when you find yourself getting off track.  I’ve used them in sessions with clients as a means to define our goals together and as a self-assessment to identify potential areas for continued growth. 

In this series, we’ll take an in-depth look at each of the 30 tasks in Carnes’ model and explore some of his recommended activities (as well as a few of my own) for addressing this task or returning to it later in recovery.  Kavod Psychotherapy created a reference diagram briefly describing each of these 30 tasks.  More information on the tasks can be found in Facing the Shadow, The Recovery Zone series, or the Recovery Start Kit, all created by Dr. Patrick Carnes. 

Task 1: Break Through Denial

The essential starting point for any addict in recovery is the shift in thinking from “I don’t have a problem” or “this isn’t a big deal” into facing the reality of the presence of addiction and its destructive power in your life.

To put the label of “addiction” on your behaviors can be challenging, as we often associate addiction with moral failure or flaws.  Denial allows you to avoid a sense of shame or guilt about these behaviors.  Labeling behaviors as addiction also compels you to change, while denial can justify or minimize the impact of your behaviors.

Often the first call to break through denial comes when a loved one, like a spouse, finds out about your compulsive sexual behaviors.  This often begins the process of therapy and support.  Sometimes you’ve experienced a sense of guilt or being unable to stop that you’ve been aware of, but there isn’t any motivation to make a change until you hit that crisis point. 

Practical Steps for Task 1

Take an addiction-related assessment.

When you begin working with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), they’ll typically encourage you to take one of a few different types of assessment to compare your symptoms and behaviors to a norm.

One is a quick inventory that you can take on your own: The Sexual Addiction Screening Test, or SAST.  This compares responses from a non-addicted population to a population of self-reported sex addicts.  This way, you can see whether or not you fall within range of normal behavior or addictive behavior. 

If your scores from the SAST put you in range of addictive behavior, you may be asked by your therapist to take a Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI).  This is a much more extensive assessment that helps you clarify the form your addiction takes, as well as various additional measures that identify potential roots for the addiction.  Some of the questions for this particular assessment are found in the Facing the Shadow book in Chapter 3, so you can review those on your own if you choose.

Another alternative is to compare your experience of compulsive sexual behaviors with the criteria for addiction listed in the DSM-5.  While there isn’t yet a diagnostic category for sexual addiction in the DSM, you can use the same criteria as alcohol or drug use disorder and simply replace the substance listed in the criteria with compulsive sexual behaviors.

Write out any problems or consequences you’re experiencing.

Make a list of any problems you’re facing in your life, whether they are obviously addiction-related or not.  Often problems seem unrelated to the addiction, but their solutions can be influenced by the time and energy the addiction takes.

Examine your list to identify which of these are either directly caused by or intensified by your compulsive sexual behaviors.  Include not only physical consequences you may have had as a result of the addiction but also emotional and spiritual consequences.

Make a list of the secrets you are keeping and from whom you are keeping them.

Addiction thrives in secrecy.  One major way to break through denial is to identify where that secrecy is taking place.  This deception can be about major things, like hiding your compulsive sexual behaviors for fear of rejection or pain.  But they can also be about minor things, like finding yourself compulsively lying or hiding aspects of who you are as a person.

Take note of these, as well as from whom you’ve been hiding them.  Notice if there is anyone in your life who knows everything.  If not, be curious about why that is.  If you run into a pattern of presenting a different person in different contexts, explore what might be influencing that behavior. 

Recognize the “stinkin’ thinkin’” of addiction.

Denial exists primarily in our minds as a way of interpreting our behaviors and our thoughts.  It can show up as making excuses, minimizing, justifying, feelings of entitlement, blame-shifting, taking on the victim role, and many others.

Begin to recognize the beliefs you have that allow you to continue on in your addiction.  Utilize resources such as this article to identify different types of beliefs that might show up in your denial.

Sometimes these beliefs are so strong that they’re hard to label as denial.  Understanding delusion and self-deception can help make sense of these thoughts and place them into the correct category.

Tell the whole story to someone.

Once you’ve sorted through how denial functions to protect you from facing the reality of your addiction, now you can work against that denial by sharing your story of addiction with a safe and trusted person.  This person could be your therapist, sponsor, pastor or spiritual mentor, or a close friend who has offered understanding and empathy when you’ve talked about difficult things in the past.  It may be helpful to write a letter or narrative to help you express your thoughts and ensure that you are as honest as possible.

Many 12 Step programs encourage you to share this information in your First Step.  You might share parts of your story with a group during a regular meeting or present your First Step as a whole to the group.  Telling another sex and love addict in recovery can be helpful, particularly in a group setting. They will know how and when to challenge you, as they can relate to the experience in a unique way.

Obviously, it can be challenging to work up the courage to share your First Step with the group in a way that feels supportive and kind to yourself. Get connected to a sponsor or other support individual and share with them first before you do so in a more public form.  In the meantime, listen to others’ First Steps to consider what pieces of your story relate to theirs.

Check your story with others.

The way we perceive the world, especially when it comes to our own actions, isn’t always the way others see it.  If you’re wondering about the impact of your behaviors and you feel able or comfortable to do so, ask others.  Similarly, you can observe when others in your group talk about the impact of their addiction on their loved ones and draw connections to how your loved ones may be feeling.

If you are married or in a significant relationship with another person, you may go through a formal disclosure process at some point.  As part of the disclosure, your loved one will read you an impact letter they’ve written that describes how they have felt as a result of your addiction.  This can be a helpful experience to come back to as a reminder of the reality of the pain caused by your behaviors. 

Repeat.

Keep coming back to these components of breaking through denial at each stage of your recovery.  You might find the stinkin’ thinkin’ re-emerges when you’re about to face a new challenge to your sobriety.  At around 6-8 months of sobriety, you may become overconfident and observe some of these denial patterns coming back in again.

Create and add to a list of beliefs that push you into addiction, denial statements, entitlement, and excuse-making statements so you can continue to recognize those thought patterns when they come up.  The more you are able to recognize and be on guard for this denial, the more likely you will be to catch it and redirect into your recovery.

How Understanding Attachment Can Drastically Improve Your Relationship: A Review of Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson

There are many theories and countless books about what makes relationships and marriages work.  Self-care and relationship sections at bookstores are filled with plenty of resources to offer marriage advice, not all of which is reliable or helpful.  But when all these tools coincide with increasing divorce rates, we are left wondering: how can couples make it through some of the worst moments of their relationship?

If you’ve been in a relationship with high levels of conflict, negative spirals you can’t seem to escape, and a sense of growing distance between you and your partner, the discouragement can feel overwhelming.  What’s the solution to these seemingly endless loops in which couples find themselves that propel them to consider divorce?

“To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Hold Me Tight

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson uses the lenses of attachment theory and neuroscience to explore how some couples overcome the destructive patterns in their relationship to forge a stronger connection.  She pulls together research from various studies on relationships that highlight the themes of attachment.  She then translates these concepts into seven practical conversations that help you explore the application of these concepts to your relationship.  They focus on how to turn challenging patterns of argument and conflict into opportunities to create connection and empathy.

This book is written for the everyday couple.  She explains clinical terms in a way that makes sense to someone who has never heard them before, and she uses frequent examples of couples going through challenges to illustrate the points she is making.  Counselors can also benefit from reading this book, however, as I know I was able to glean some practical tips and language that can help me guide my clients in their relationships. 

What I Appreciated

“Emotional Safety” and Other Terminology

Dr. Johnson’s use of terms like “emotional safety” take the heady, intellectual concepts of attachment and translate them into clear, relatable language.  Emotional safety is what we long for in relationships: the ability to know that our partner is Accessible (Are you there? Can I get to you?), Responsive (Can I depend on you to be there for me emotionally?) and Engaged (Am I valuable to you?  Will you maintain closeness with me?).  She teaches how to use what she coins A.R.E. conversations (based on accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement) to get at the heart of what is happening within connection and disconnection.

In fact, much of her language is descriptive and easy to remember.  For example, she uses “Demon Dialogues” to identify common patterns in faulty communication.  She introduces “Hold Me Tight” conversations, in which partners talk about their needs for emotional safety and connection that exist behind a conflict, inviting empathy and compassion.

Providing a Contrast to Cultural Messages

Frequently, Dr. Johnson contrasts our culture’s emphasis on independence and self-sufficiency with the reality of what makes couples work: mutual support, emotional bonding, and healthy meeting of emotional needs.  Often our culture decries weakness or dependency on anyone, encouraging us to stand on our own.  Even language surrounding codependency can swing toward this extreme of isolation through independence.  Her work in this book is meant to shift the narrative around healthy emotional support and depending on our spouses to meet emotional needs, particularly as larger social connections have been decreasing.

Conversations about Arguments and Hope

In the seven conversation topics Dr. Johnson proposes, she includes addressing arguments and conflict head-on, as they often carry the charge of longing for emotional connection behind them.  However, she doesn’t stop there.  The later conversations dig into such topics as improving daily moments of connection, creating rituals that reinforce your love, and improving your sexual relationship.  The earlier conversations around conflict and emotional needs lay the groundwork to make these later conversations go more smoothly.

“A desperate need for an emotional response that ends in blaming and a desperate fear of rejection and loss that ends in withdrawal – this was the scaffolding underneath these endless conflicts.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Pauses for Self-Reflection

As attachment and emotional safety are likely new concepts for you in your relationship, it makes sense that you might not know where to start in understanding your emotional needs.  Dr. Johnson leads you through personal reflection and helps you identify what she’s talking about, like your own personal raw spots based on past relationships with family or significant others.  The use of examples throughout can also help you self-reflect, as you identify what you relate to in their stories.

“Play and Practice”

In every chapter, there is at least one, if not several, practical application sections labeled “Play and Practice.”  These take the concepts Dr. Johnson talked about in the chapter and help you have a productive conversation with your partner about how they apply to your specific relationship.  These include such tools as fill-in-the-blank sentences that help you communicate with your partner about your reactions and emotional needs.  In particular, one section I appreciated near the end encouraged couples to write a summary story of the progress they’ve made in their relationship that serves as a narrative base to come back to when things start to get difficult or slip back into old patterns.

Addressing Trauma

She also included a chapter specifically targeting the challenging symptoms and disconnection that arises when trauma exists in your relationship.  I found this chapter especially helpful when thinking about addicts and betrayed partners who need to know that using these principles is still possible within their recovery from trauma.

She reminds the reader that we cannot stay isolated and disconnected in our trauma.  Instead, we need to let others, including our partners, into those dark places.  This can help make sense of the often confusing symptoms of PTSD that arise and create chaos within the relationship.

“If we cannot successfully connect with others, our struggles to cope with trauma become less effective, and our main resource, our love relationship, often begins to sink under its weight.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

How to Use This Book

If you are in a relationship where you find yourself arguing often, unable to get on the same page, feeling unsupported, or simply not understanding each other, this book might be a good place to start.  It is helpful if you don’t think you’re ready for couples counseling yet, but could use some support and growth within communication and connection.  Perhaps you and your significant other could read the book together and work through the Play and Practice sections to learn more about one another.  I believe this book can also be beneficial if you read it separately from your spouse, but the best outcome is more likely to come if you read it together.

If you are a couple in crisis, on the brink of divorce, or unable to have the type of in-depth conversation the book requires due to a buildup of past pain or a tendency to get lost in the “Demon Dialogues,” your first priority might be instead to seek out couples counseling.  If the principles of this book interest you, I’d recommend looking for a therapist who has training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), the model Dr. Johnson created based on her body of work.  You could also read this book as part of your therapy or on the side, but the best option is likely meeting with a quality couples therapist.

“We will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Using the New Year as a Springboard for Recovery

For many of us, a new year represents a new beginning.  The practice of making resolutions reflects this energy surrounding the vision of a fresh start.  One calendar year ending and another beginning creates a natural moment for a reset, a time when we’re encouraged to pause and reflect on the progress of our lives. 

Whether you participate in setting resolutions or not, this fresh start may be just the push you need to commit (or re-commit) to your addiction recovery.  For those who battle sex and love addiction, the holidays leading up to New Year’s can be rife with triggers and reminders of pain. You may have coped by using addictive behaviors to self-medicate and had a relapse.  Use this as an opportunity to learn and start out fresh as you begin your new year. 

How to Make a Fresh Start in Addiction Recovery

Tell someone.

For those of you who are aware that you have a problem and aren’t quite sure what to do about it, the first step is to let someone else in to your struggle.  Typically, you’ve made attempts to stop on your own, but you realize how isolating addiction can be. This feels like the scariest step, as it involves a high level of vulnerability. 

Often it can be challenging to start out by sharing with our friends or family members, so it may be helpful to consider someone like a therapist or 12 Step group member to share with for your first time. Consider safe people in your life who will offer you love and acceptance when you share with them.

Go to your first 12 Step meeting.

Along with telling someone, beginning to attend 12 Step meetings and receive support are essential first steps in recovery.  A meeting may even be the first place you choose to share about your struggle. 

Most people feel fear or anxiety about attending a 12 Step meeting for the first time.  You might be thinking, What if I see someone I know there? or I’m not as bad as these people, I don’t need to go to these meetings.  I’ve noticed in my practice that involvement in 12 Step has been a game-changer for so many people in finding supportive community and a place where they can talk about their struggles with people who get it.

Search in your area for 12 Step meetings on their respective websites.  For sex and love addicts, I’d recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  In-person meetings are the best, but if there isn’t a local meeting in your area, you can also participate in online or phone meetings.  Take the leap.  It’s worth it. 

Seek out counseling.

Some can recover from addiction without ever setting foot in a counseling office.  But for many, counseling is an essential part of their recovery plan.  The additional support of specialized counseling for sex and love addiction can help you remain focused on your recovery goals.  It also gives you one person you know who will hold you accountable for your behaviors. 

Often addicts have no clue why they do what they do: it feels like they’re on autopilot.  If you resonate with that, counseling can help you explore the motivations and reasons behind your destructive behaviors and explore other options.  Addiction is also associated with past experiences of trauma, and counseling provides a space to explore healing from that trauma.

Get a sponsor.

For the same reason that having a counselor is incredibly impactful to recovery, having a sponsor is essential to success in a 12 Step program.  You need someone who can mentor you through the experience, guide you through the 12 Steps, offer accountability and support when you’re tempted to return to your addiction, or just be there on a consistent basis.

Often, connecting with a sponsor gives you a built-in pathway to community with the larger 12 Step network.  It is recommended that sponsors have at least one year of sobriety and have worked through the 12 Steps.  In order to achieve that, your sponsor likely has built relationships within the community.  He or she can connect you to those others and build a stronger foundation of relationships to support you on your path to recovery.

Do your First Step.

Working your way through the 12 Steps is a proven path to recovery.  12 Step programs wouldn’t be as popular or as recommended as they are if they didn’t actually work.  Commit to your own personal work through the program by starting at the beginning.

In the First Step, you are encouraged to admit your powerlessness over your addiction and your inability to manage it on your own.  This is a constant reminder of the humility every addict needs to keep them on track for recovery.  Even if you’ve worked through your First Step before, starting out a new year returning to the foundation of the 12 Step process can remind you of your need for the program in a new way. 

Begin working toward formal disclosure with your partner.

If you’ve been procrastinating on completing a formal disclosure, that makes sense.  Disclosure is a challenging process of becoming completely honest with your partner about your addictive behaviors.  However, complete honesty and integrity is the only way to build the foundation of your relationship and create trust with your partner.

Talk with your counselor about disclosure.  Begin by putting together a timeline of your addiction, including any changes, escalation, or attempts to stop.  Seek out a CSAT-certified therapist to walk you through the disclosure process, if you aren’t already working with one.

Offer service to others.

Step Twelve involves choosing to share your time or energy with others who are in recovery, which can serve multiple purposes.  First, it can redirect your focus from yourself and your own struggles to helping others.  Second, it can keep you accountable: if you’ve volunteered to help out at a meeting, you’re responsible for carrying out what you said you would do.  Third, helping others creates connection and community, as you interact with others while you’re helping.

Offer to run a meeting, set up chairs, or be a phone contact for a new member of your 12 Step group.  Share your First Step at a meeting so those who are new to your group can feel less alone.  If you’ve been in solid recovery for at least one year and have your own sponsor, consider becoming a sponsor to someone else and passing what you’ve learned along.

Reintegrating Healthy Sexual Intimacy after Betrayal: A Review of The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy

Couples recovery from sex and love addiction can be a complex and lengthy process.  Even for those fully committed to the process of recovery, it can take between three to five years to uncover all that’s needed to heal a marriage.  The chaos and storm of staggered disclosures, broken trust, and faltering attempts at honesty can lead to confusion and overwhelm for both partners in the relationship.

Couples therapy requires participation and change by both members of the couple.  In the early stages of recovery, when the betrayed partner is reeling in pain and has often been manipulated, it doesn’t feel safe to make changes to support the relationship.  Individual healing work needs to be done first. Because of this, couples therapy is not recommended for most couples until each member of the couple is getting their own therapeutic support and a formal disclosure process has been completed.

The addict needs to get their individual pattern of addiction under control, and the partner needs space to process the pain of trauma that they experience.  They both need to establish support systems outside of the relationship in the form of 12 Step groups, sponsorship, support groups, and/or healthy friendships.  Boundaries need to be established and understood. Healing cannot happen in the marriage until there is a foundation of honesty, and formal disclosure is designed to create that foundation.

In some cases, couples therapy can begin earlier in the process of recovery.  Often this is when the couple needs to learn basic communication skills in order to navigate life together while going through this healing process.  Also, this can be helpful if the couple is pursuing a formal therapeutic separation and need guidance from a couples therapist on how to implement this logistically.

Let’s say you and your partner have been consistent in individual therapy, have strong social support, are committed to recovery-oriented behaviors, and have completed a formal disclosure.  Now what?  Many couples aren’t sure what to do once they’ve made significant progress in their individual recovery.  Deeper still, reintegrating or introducing healthy sexual intimacy can feel like a daunting task.  How can a couple recovering from sex and love addiction be intimate again?

Why A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy is Needed

In The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy, Bill and Ginger Bercaw give an answer to these “what next” questions.  They outline the sexual reintegration therapy (SRT) model that they’ve used consistently with recovering couples to help them achieve a level of intimacy in their relationships they hadn’t thought possible. 

The Bercaws’ approach helps to completely overhaul the experience of sexual intimacy in a recovering relationship.  Often, when sexual addiction was present, sexual experiences weren’t truly connecting or meaningful.  Physical and emotional intimacy are explored as integral parts of true sexual connection. 

Their book includes information about the SRT model and explorations of true healthy sexuality and its differences from addicted sex.  They also include a series of practical exercises (planned intimate experiences) that can be put into play by the couple, progressing gradually toward an entirely new vision of sexual intimacy.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw strongly recommend working with a CSAT couples therapist while going through this material, as much of what can arise emotionally and relationally needs space to be processed in a safe environment with trained professionals.  It is also important to maintain your individual therapy and support while walking through SRT, so you can have space to process what comes up for you individually as you begin to experiment with this new approach to intimacy.

Insights from the Book

The foundations upon which Bill and Ginger Bercaw lay their book form a series of important insights into the process of reintegrating healthy sexuality into a recovering marriage.

Healthy sexual intimacy is made possible by integrating physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of intimacy.

Broken trust and betrayal destroy all levels of intimacy. In particular, sexual intimacy is affected as often one or both partners are using it as a way to get something from the other, as opposed to truly connecting during the experience.  The book emphasizes the need to integrate all areas of intimacy through direct and open communication and conversations, especially as integrated in the planned intimate experiences (PIEs). 

Reprogramming sexual scripts is Essential.

Our culture’s view on sex influences our approach to intimacy. For example, we emphasize trying new things as a way to keep sexual experience interesting or “spice it up.”  This is intensified by the influence of sex and love addiction on your relationship, where the addict may see sex as a way to pursue novelty or seek the next “high.”  But these approaches are not truly connecting.  They are more focused on performance than they are on intimacy, and intimacy is the greater need.

Reviewing your own sexual history can reveal your expectations about sex.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw lead the reader to reflect on their own sexual experiences and influences on their sexuality as an exercise in self-understanding.  For example, if you have a history of sexual abuse, it likely affects messages about your body or your sexual experience.  Exposure to pornography can create distorted expectations about how sex ought to be.  A lack of sexual information, particularly in more rigid home environments, can lead to a lack of knowledge about sexual response and experience.  Even such influences as the media, peer groups, churches, and others can have an impact on sexuality. 

Early attachment relationships also have an influence on your experience of sexual intimacy in your marriage.  If you have an avoidant attachment style, you’re more likely to want to withdraw from conflict and therefore don’t talk about sexual issues.  If you are more of an anxiously attached person, sex might be a way that you confirm you are loved by someone.  If you grew up in a rigid family system, you might see sexual behavior as rebellious or a way to branch out from restrictions.

These influences need to be acknowledged and addressed before true sexual intimacy can be experienced.  You’re carrying around baggage from your past that has to be unpacked before you can enter into the relationship without expectations or judgment.  This is important as you will be able to come to know your own sexual self and your partner’s sexual self, which then creates a more intimate experience.

The end goal isn’t perfect technique or sexual experience, but expressing love and connection through being present to yourself and your partner.

An overemphasis on technique or an idealized sexual experience has probably already led you to disappointment and pain.  Instead, the Bercaws’ approach to intimacy takes emphasis off the final result, instead focusing on remaining present throughout the entire process of intimacy.  Every PIE exercise focuses on different depths of intimacy.  Many exercises in the progression occur outside the bedroom or with clothes on.  Several focus on creating more emotional and relational intimacy, which paves the way for connected sexual intimacy.

The importance isn’t to find the new sex technique that’s going to boost your pleasure (despite what some magazine covers may say) but instead to learn how to become fully present to yourself, your partner, and your experience during your intimate encounter.  

Safety and communication are necessary in personalizing your path.

For many betrayed partners, there is not a sufficient level of safety in the relationship to rush into intimacy.  The Bercaws’ PIE exercises are designed to help you grow closer, and they also encourage speaking up when you aren’t comfortable or when you need to change something.  They emphasize using talking and listening boundaries throughout their PIEs and reinforce that with an emphasis on healthy, functional boundaries, which they describe at length.

If you’re looking for additional support in understanding how you can grow in the area of sexual intimacy in your recovering marriage, Bill and Ginger Bercaw’s book and their method of sexual reintegration therapy offer useful and practical tools to revolutionize your relationship.

Facing Your Powerlessness in Addiction Recovery

The First Step of any 12 Step program requires you to admit your powerlessness over your drug of choice.  This shows that admitting powerlessness is a foundational component of seeking healing.  Why is that?

Have you ever heard the term “dry drunk”?  It refers to an alcoholic who hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but hasn’t admitted to their own powerlessness over the addiction.  They may not be drinking anymore, but the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that got them into alcoholism in the first place haven’t changed.  Getting sober this way sets you up for relapse because the deeper causes and reasons for your addiction aren’t being addressed, they’re just being avoided. Recovery is a multifaceted approach to addressing addiction that requires serious life reflection and commitment to change.

You cannot heal from addiction independent from the support of others, God, and the tools of recovery.  Thinking you ought to have power over your addiction is like thinking you can tough your way through a major illness: there are biological realities at play in addiction with which you need to contend.  Believing you have control over your addiction shows pride in thinking you can handle it all on your own.  It also shows a lack of recognition of the role of God, or a Power higher than yourself, as the power you need to rely on to draw you out of powerlessness against addiction.

What is powerlessness?

To recognize powerlessness over your addiction is to face the reality that you don’t have the self-control, discipline, or power to stop your addiction on your own. Usually this is highlighted by continuing addictive behaviors despite (sometimes severe) consequences for your actions.  Maybe you’ve violated your personal values in your addiction, or you’ve gone further or deeper than you expected you would.  You recognize that none of your efforts to stop have truly worked, and that the addiction has caused destruction and chaos in your life.

Admitting powerlessness requires getting honest with yourself about reality, instead of the “stinkin’ thinkin’” (delusion and denial) that enables your addiction.  It involves realizing that your attempts at self-control are not cutting it, and that you need to rely on others to support you in gaining discipline and control. 

It may seem like admitting powerlessness is giving up, but the exact opposite is true.  Powerlessness isn’t meant to lead to hopelessness, but rather to a greater sense of hope and agency in your life.  Recognizing this powerlessness over addiction is not the same as saying you have no power to create change in your life.  Instead, it means that the way out of your addiction requires you to rely on the support of other people, God, and the time-tested tool of recovery as lifelines to pull you out of the raging sea of addiction. 

As you ask yourself whether or not you’re recognizing your own powerlessness, there are a few different phrases or ways of thinking to notice.  Pay attention to the statements below that sound familiar to you. 

Overt Denial of Powerlessness

“I can stop anytime I want.”

This belief assumes that you have enough power over your addictive behaviors to stop.  It denies the reality of all the other unsuccessful attempts you’ve made to stop as a result of major consequences.

“I can handle this on my own.”

Relying on your own independent attempts to control your behavior has likely led to more failure than success in the past.  Believing you have enough power to stop on your own feeds isolation and pride, both of which are fuel for continuing in addiction.

“Maybe they need help, but I’m different.”

Often when you attend your first 12 Step meeting or read stories about others’ addictions, this thought can cross your mind.  But this assumption of uniqueness minimizes the impact of your current addiction on yourself and others.

Subtle Denial of Powerlessness

While the statements above might be obvious refusals of powerlessness, you might more readily identify with some of the subtle ways denial can creep in. 

“I should be able to stop this behavior.”  “I just have to be better/do better.”

A foundational truth in recovery is that you cannot stop or do better on your own.  This belief assumes that you should be able to do recovery by yourself instead of relying on the support of other people.  It forgets the unsuccessful efforts you’ve made to stop in the past, even though many of them came out of a place of trying to do better. 

“I need to punish myself to make myself stop.”

You might have this thought if you come from a family background that was rigid, with strict rules and no tolerance for mistakes.  It is linked to a shame-based identity or view of self as fundamentally flawed or bad at the core.  Physical punishment, deprivation, social withdrawal, or any other way of punishing yourself increases feelings of despair and hopelessness.  And since addictive behaviors are the primary way you cope with distress and pain, you’ll return to those in a heartbeat.

“If I can just get my life in order, I’ll be fine.”

Constantly attempting to get your life under control when you are living in chaos is fruitless.  The addiction has worn away at your self-control and self-discipline.  You need to learn those skills anew through the tested work of recovery before you’ll be able to apply them to other areas of your life.

“If I can just get through this difficult circumstance, I’ll be fine.”

Depending on circumstances to change for things to get better will mean that you’re waiting forever, because there will always be another distressing circumstance that can be used as a reason for not moving forward.  This mindset also leaves your life up to chance, rather than leading you to take ownership of what you do have control over: yourself.

“It’s not a big deal if I skip my meeting/sponsor call/support group/therapy session, etc.”

Minimizing the importance of these consistent practices of recovery is a recipe for slipping back into addiction.  One skip becomes two, which becomes five, and before you know it you’ve gone months without receiving the support you need for your recovery.

“If I can’t do everything, it’s not worth doing anything.”

Alternatively, you might feel overwhelmed by the idea of taking on all the work of recovery.  You might beat yourself up for missing a meeting or having a slip and then throw out all your other positive, recovery-based practices with it.  Don’t set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection, because perfection in this process is impossible.

“I had a slip/relapse, which means I’m back at square one.”

Slips and relapse are part of the normal trajectory of recovery.  To say they bring you back to square one dismisses the work you’ve done so far in your recovery journey.  See slips as a learning opportunity.  Use them to learn about additional supports you need, the needs or desires that drove you to act out, or catalysts or triggers that create more temptation.

“I’ll never get better.  I’m a lost cause.”

You assume that the process that has helped thousands of others won’t work for you.  It presumes your own uniqueness or difference, as referenced earlier.  Submit yourself to the process of recovery and allow yourself the gift of patience while you wait for it to take hold.

The Language of Powerlessness

What is the more accurate way of looking at your process in recovery, in light of powerlessness?  Choose statements from the list below to combat the mistaken or faulty beliefs you’ve identified from the overt or subtle ways of denying your own powerlessness above.  Alternatively, you can use this entire list as a daily affirmation to support you in your recovery. 

“I need to surrender to God/my Higher Power.”

“I need support and accountability to get better, and I can find that in my support group/12 Step group/with my therapist, etc.”

“I am unable to stop this behavior without the tools of recovery.”

“There is a proven path to recovery that I can rely on to move forward.  It works if I work it.”

“When I don’t know what to do, I can ask for help.”

“I am able to make small, manageable choices toward recovery today.”

“I am seeking progress, not perfection.”

“There is no better day than today to start or re-commit to my recovery.”

“I can handle this one day at a time.”

Living Out Your Values in Addiction Recovery

When you first enter recovery, it is often because you’ve come to a crisis point.  You’ve hit rock bottom in your addiction.  You’re forced to face the consequences of your behavior, like a spouse discovering your deception and threatening to divorce.  Intense feelings of depression or anxiety hit you like a wave, and you might even find yourself wanting to take your own life in the depths of your despair.

This initial motivation propelling you into recovery, however, tends to fade over time.  While attempting to stay motivated, many addicts recognize that they don’t have a strong sense of identity.  So much of who you are has been wrapped up in this addiction.  Leisure time has been spent acting out rather than on personal interests and hobbies.  Relationships have been superficial and shallow.  Perhaps your history of past trauma communicates (mostly negative) messages to you about who you are. 

Without that sense of identity, it can be challenging to determine what you value or what is important to you.  Your addiction has distorted what is important and places itself as the highest priority in your life.  When that addiction is removed through sobriety, it can feel like there is now a void in your life.  You might find yourself wondering: what does life look like after addiction?  This question often arises when you’re grieving losses associated with the consequences of your addiction, like loss of relationships, physical health, job, or financial resources.

How do I learn and live out my identity?

Staci Sprout, a fellow Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, shares that the key to developing your recovery for the long-term is identifying your vision and purpose.  The first step requires you to become more familiar with who you are.

It is essential to develop your identity in recovery because it can replace the narrative of shame you’ve lived under for so long.  Many addicts have also experienced abuse, trauma, or neglect in their childhoods that meant they weren’t celebrated for their unique personality and gifts.  If that sounds familiar to you, you may have no idea what your talents and personality are when you enter recovery, and you need to learn and celebrate your qualities that make you who you are.

When you have a more clear sense of your identity, that paves the way for you to connect with a vision for your future and a purpose to your life. 

Vision

Vision involves connecting with your “’why” – why are you committed to recovery?  Why are you making these changes in your life?  If you don’t have a clear picture of your “why,” motivation can wax and wane.

To connect with your vision, ask yourself some of the following questions:

• If you were free from the pull of addiction, what might change in your life?  What would be different?  What would you have more time to do?

• Addiction is often associated with shame and low self-esteem.  If you were free from addiction, how might you feel more confident? What effect might that confidence have on your life?

• Relationships often serve as motivators for change.  What relationships are important to you?  Who do you want to be in those relationships?

• You’re likely seeking out help from a therapist, 12 Step or support group, or even just reading books or articles online.  What do you hope to get out of those support experiences?  How will you know these have been successful for you?  What will change in your life?

• If you’ve completed a three-circle plan, ask yourself why the activities in your outer circle are important to you.  What purpose are they serving?

• What desires or wants do you have for your life?

When you answer these questions, you might begin to see a theme of values you hold.  Values include such things as family, marriage, mental health, career success, authenticity in relationships, service and volunteering, or advocating for causes that are important to you.  This leads well into the next stage, which is looking at purpose.

Purpose

Examining your purpose pushes you into a more existential frame of mind.  It requires you to ask questions like: why am I here?  What is my purpose on this earth?  What am I meant to do with this one life that I have? 

These questions can be challenging for a few reasons.  First, they put your mortality into greater focus, which can stir up challenging emotions.  Also, they are broad topics that can feel overwhelming to tackle.  If you are a person of faith, your Christian faith or other religious practices can inform your purpose, as they lead you to a sense of belonging to something greater than yourself. 

To make your purpose more practical, consider these questions:

• Use the values you identified in the above vision section and broaden then to fit your entire life.  Ask questions like: what might change about my actions if I wanted to live as if this value were my highest priority?  How might my life look different?

• If you’re involved in a 12 Step or support group, you may appreciate how others have helped you along in your recovery.  How might you want to give back?  How can your story of walking through recovery serve or help others?

• For those in middle-age or older, generativity is a major life goal – passing along the knowledge and wisdom you’ve gained.  How might you pass along this insight and wisdom to others?  How could you mentor younger adults in a similar career field, through their recovery journeys, or in their faith?

• For those who haven’t hit that generativity milestone, what life dreams have you considered or hoped for that you haven’t accomplished yet?  What might you still be able to do with the time you have left?

• What do you want others to stay about you after you’ve passed away?  What legacy do you want to leave?  How would you like to be described in a eulogy?

Exploring these questions related to life purpose can help you recognize the end goal of your sobriety and recovery work. Ultimately, your work isn’t only for you, but it is for those who will benefit after you.  By clarifying your vision and purpose for yourself, you’ll have a more clear path forward whether you are dealing with discouragement in your recovery journey or if you’ve hit a major milestone of sobriety and are looking for what’s next.

Willingness in Recovery: What To Do When You Don’t Want to Stop Acting Out in Sex and Love Addiction

In recovery circles, willingness to change is a necessary part of leaving behind destructive patterns of sex and love addiction to experience freedom.  Sometimes willingness comes easily.  For example, if you are married and your spouse discovers your addiction, that often creates a push to change as you work to heal your relationship.  You may be experiencing real consequences of your addiction, like an arrest or the dissolution of friendships.  Or you’re early in the process of recovery and motivated to put in the hard work of change.

But as time goes on, you might notice your willingness fading.  You might miss the dopamine rush you got when you were acting out.  Or you’ve ended your relationship with your partner, which removes that motivation to change.  Perhaps you’re feeling shame about your behaviors, and the easiest way you know how to self-medicate shame is with more acting out.

Maybe you relapse, getting caught back up in the cycle of acting out.  Perhaps the boundaries you know you need to put in place to help you along the path to recovery seem way too hard to implement. 

You could be struggling with the cost of recovery, recognizing the extent to which your life may have to change.  Sometimes the work involved in the process recovery leads to a feeling of weariness and a desire to just give up. 

Regardless of reason, it is common to see willingness ebb and flow in the process of recovery.  Instead of viewing your lack of willingness or motivation to change as a death knell to your recovery work, use this opportunity to learn more about yourself and lean in to practices that will help you stick with recovery even when it becomes challenging.

As a note: these recommendations are specific to sex and love addiction.  There are likely different, more targeted recommendations for addictions that involve a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.  If you are dealing with those addictions, reach out to 12 Step resources and specialized counseling or treatment centers to get guidance on how to address willingness in that area. 

What to Do

Remind yourself of your vision for your future.

It can be a challenge to find hope when you’re stuck in the (often devastating) consequences of your acting out behaviors.  Define for yourself what a recovered life could look like.  Even if you never achieve this, what would be the ideal?  Why did you choose recovery in the first place?  What could life be like when you are free of your addictive behaviors? 

Use this vision to help you identify what you’d like your life to look like in 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year.  Breaking down those goals into more manageable time frames can help you make concrete goals or plans for what’s right in front of you.

Target your denial.

Your unwillingness to change often finds support from denying the impact of your behaviors.  This denial often comes in the form of distorted thinking patterns.  I often call this process “addict thinking” versus “rational thinking.”  When you’re acting out in addiction, the rational, healthy component of your brain goes offline. Instead, the addict part of you is at work trying to persuade you that your addictive behaviors are not only okay, but good for you.

Identify the “voice” of your addict part of yourself by writing down the statements of denial that are most common for you.  They might include words such as:

• “It’s not hurting anyone.”

• “I only do it because my spouse isn’t meeting my sexual needs.”

• “I deserve this.”

Then, when you have some space from your acting out behaviors, sit down and write responses from the point of view of your rational brain to address those denial statements with facts.  Come back to these responses when you’re tempted to act out and remind yourself of truth about your behaviors.  To the above comments, you might respond:

• “Addiction hurts my spouse, my children, and most importantly, myself.  I lose control over myself and expose myself to further and more dangerous consequences.”

• “My addiction is how I shortcut my way to a dissatisfying false intimacy instead of pursuing true intimacy with my spouse.”

• “I am not entitled to harm myself or others by my actions.  My behavior promises that it will feel good, but I consistently end up feeling miserable afterward.”

Be patient with yourself.

Acknowledge that this process takes time.  Consider climbing a mountain: when you begin at the bottom, it is obvious that you have a long way to go to get to the top.  As you climb and begin to grow weary, it can be easy to get distracted by how much further you have to go.  You might look up at the summit and get discouraged by the time it will take you to reach the top.  Instead, focus on the step right in front of you.  In 12 Step terminology, this is taking “one day at a time.”

Recognize that recovery is a lifestyle change, not a one-time experience; a marathon, not a sprint. But the rewards of a recovered life will make every step worth it.

Stay committed to your recovery plan.

If you’ve been in recovery for any length of time, you probably have been participating in some recovery-related activities and have potentially even made a plan for how to best address your addiction.  Even if you’re currently acting out, continue to engage in these recovery behaviors. 

If your plan was to go to 12 Step meetings regularly, keep going to your meetings.  Meet with your sponsor.  Make calls to others in recovery.  Keep attending therapy or support group.  Use the principle of “fake it til you make it” until your recovery behaviors begin to shape and mold your thoughts and emotions.  This will eventually create motivation to change if you give it time.

Do the bare minimum.

If you’ve already gotten out of the routine of your recovery plan, it might seem challenging to get back into the habit.  When commitment to recovery feels overwhelming and too much, focus instead on one practical step you can take right now.  (Remember the mountain metaphor.) 

Make one call to a supportive friend.  Schedule an appointment with your therapist or sponsor.  Read a chapter in a recovery-related book.  Practice a small act of self-care – eating a healthy meal, going to sleep early, getting outside for a walk.  Any of these small steps can have a huge impact over the long haul. 

Focus on recovery, not sobriety.

It’s common early in recovery to find yourself focusing only on sobriety and “white-knuckling”, attempting to force yourself to stop by your own willpower.  This usually is accompanied by a lack of commitment to the whole-life change required in recovery.

What’s the difference?  Recovery is a holistic process - much of your life must change.  Sobriety is one part of that, but it is not all of it.  Attempting to keep your life exactly the same and get sober is a recipe for failure, because likely some of what you were doing in daily life contributed to your desire to act out.  Focusing on sobriety involves only focusing on what you can’t do, while recovery shifts that focus to what you can do. 

Focusing only on sobriety leads to beating yourself up about failing when you inevitably slip or relapse.  Rather than placing so much of your identity and hope on sobriety, place that relapse or slip under the context of recovery and see what you can learn from it.  Sobriety is categorized by shame; recovery is categorized by hope.

Ask God for willingness.

The 12 Steps are built around reliance on a Higher Power to do the work of creating change in you, recognizing you are incapable of creating that willingness to change on your own.  Speaking from a Christian worldview, we are told in the Bible that it is God who works in us to will and act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).  Ask God to help you with this process. Invite the Holy Spirit to do a transforming work in your heart.

Remember the message of grace here: that if you are in Christ, you are no longer condemned (Romans 8:1) and you are set free (Galatians 5:1), and if you invite God in, He will do a healing work in you and transform your willingness.

Know that you can’t do this alone.

In addition to having the support and help of God, it is essential to have the support of other people to help you make these changes.  Social support is one of the most important factors in any addiction recovery.

Reach out to the people you know who are in recovery circles or who you trust are safe for you.  If you don’t know who those people are, now is a good time to find them.  Start by attending a 12 Step meeting, support group, or counseling session and connect with supportive people who can help you along your path to recovery.

Coping with Loneliness

It’s safe to say that we’ve all experienced loneliness at some point or another in our lives.  A gnawing sense in your stomach.  A sadness that sets over you that seems to come out of nowhere.  A desire to be around other people, to talk to them about what you’re feeling or thinking.

Loneliness comes from a legitimate desire to be loved, seen, and known by others.  Since the days of our infancy, where we were dependent on parents or caregivers for connection, we’ve known we needed people.

Why might you be feeling lonely?

Depression and/or Anxiety

Isolation is a common symptom of depression.  Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness can lead you to retreat within yourself and avoid social contact.  Anxiety can also prevent you from feeling connected to people.  You might have social anxiety that arises in situations when you’re with others.  Or you may be unable to maintain connection with others due to distraction by your worries. 

Both of these experiences may feel unique to you.  You might think, “does anyone else feel or think this way?”  Negative self-talk and beliefs that drive depression and anxiety (ie. “I’m a loser.”  “I’m alone.”  “No one could love me.”) perpetuate these feelings of loneliness.

Addiction Recovery

If you’re in recovery from an addiction, particularly sexual addiction, you might be dealing with loneliness as well.  Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, meaning that it substitutes false intimacy through sexual acting out in place of true intimacy.  Often loneliness drives the addictive behaviors. 

But while removing those areas of false intimacy in the process of recovery, an addict might also be experiencing the natural consequence of separation from loved ones or family members who have been impacted by the addict’s behaviors.  This can lead to intense feelings of loneliness, as the addiction is no longer present as a way to escape or self-medicate.

Partner Betrayal Trauma

Or perhaps you’re on the other side of the coin, where you’ve seen your spouse succumb to sexual addiction and you’ve been blindsided by the pain and hurt they’ve inflicted.  The person you once felt closest to has now become untrustworthy.

Further still, the pain of betrayal associated with sexual addiction is often a secret shame.  Whether out of protection for your spouse or out of fear of being judged by others, you might avoid telling others about what you’re experiencing.  This inevitably leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness as you don’t know where to turn for support. 

General Isolation

There are plenty of other reasons you might feel lonely.  A new move across the country to a city you’ve never lived in, difficulty finding people with mutual interests, hurt or betrayal from past relationships: all can make you reluctant to open up to others.

Whatever the reason, loneliness can be crippling and painful, and it’s hard to know how best to cope with it.

How to Find Your People

While this may not always be an easy option, the most straightforward way to move past loneliness is to find your people.  Here are a few places to start.

Existing Relationships

Identify a safe person you already know with whom you can talk: someone who can empathize with what you’re going through and offer support (Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is great resource for exploring this.) Ask these friends if they would be willing to offer you support on a regular basis.  Lead with vulnerability in those interactions, sharing about what’s really going on in your life, as vulnerability invites connection.  And be someone who offers support to others as well.  when they’re having a rough time, listen to them and validate their experience, offering care in the same way you’ve received it from them. 

Groups

Support groups are an easy way for you to find others who are dealing with similar issues related to depression, anxiety, or addiction recovery.  You can find this support through 12 Step meetings, church-based support, or therapy groups.  You might also benefit from finding a local meetup or group based on a special interest or hobby.  Volunteering is another great way to meet people in your area, along with providing other mental health benefits by focusing on the needs of others.

Coping with Loneliness in the Moment

If your feelings of loneliness happens often and cause a lot of distress, this hints that there is more to the story.  What if you feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people?  Does loneliness feel intolerable to you when you’re in the midst of it?  Do you do whatever it takes to escape loneliness, even if “what it takes” is destructive to you or your family?

When you feel lonely, get curious.

Ask yourself why.  Where’s this loneliness coming from?  Check in with your emotions and thought patterns.  Identify what physical sensations are associated with that loneliness.  Understanding what might have triggered the feelings of loneliness or what might be contributing to them can help you decide how to move forward. 

Explore what loneliness felt like as a kid and how you coped (or didn’t) with it then.

When you’ve explored what loneliness feels like in your body and emotions, allow your mind to go back to others other experiences where you’ve felt similarly.  You might have memories from childhood or teenage years, or they may be more recent.  Ask yourself: how did I cope with loneliness back then?  What did I do with it, good or bad?  Was I ever taught to deal with loneliness by parents or caregivers?  Are there betrayals or wounds from relationships where I felt a similar sense of loneliness?

Ask yourself what you needed.

In those memories, allow yourself to connect back to that earlier version of yourself and ask: what did I need back then?  Maybe it was a friend to sit with you in your loneliness.  Maybe it was an understanding parent.  Maybe you needed to learn fun or healthy ways to take your mind off the loneliness until you were able to be with people again.

Validate your own loneliness.

After going through this exercise, does it make sense why you might feel lonely now?  What connections can you make to the present moment?  Do you have compassion or empathy from the younger version of yourself?  If you can identify and validate your loneliness, you’re less likely to be afraid of it.  It changes from a monster to something more manageable. 

Get to know yourself better.

When you’re lonely without an easy way out, see it as an opportunity to spend some time with yourself.  Explore your hobbies.  Journal.  Learn more about who you are.  If it feels difficult to spend time with yourself, or if you feel avoidance or shame around getting to know yourself, that might hint at some deeper issues associated with identity that may be worth exploring further in one-on-one counseling.

The Evolving Nature of Addiction Recovery: How to Keep Growing After Getting Sober

You’ve made it past the early stages of recovery.  Crisis mode has passed. You’re no longer just trying to get sober and understand your addiction.  You have a recovery plan in place.  Maybe you’ve achieved a major milestone, like a year of sobriety.  Or perhaps you’ve completed your 12 Steps.  You feel confident in yourself and your progress.  But you also might be wondering: what now?

Focusing on recovery as a lifestyle rather than as a one-time event is crucial once you’ve made it past the initial crisis of establishing sobriety.  The 12 Step model encourages you to go over the steps repeatedly for that reason.  Similarly, Patrick Carnes has developed a 30 Task Model, of which only the first seven steps are related to the beginning tasks of getting sober and understanding your addiction.  The later steps go on to making greater, long-term changes in your life.

Assess your progress.

Acknowledge where you are in the 12 Steps.

If you haven’t yet completed the 12 Steps, this is a good place to start.  Review which of these steps you have not yet fully completed.  There are certain steps, like Step Four and Steps Eight and Nine, that are particularly difficult because they require time and effort.  Making amends and learning how to forgive are challenging but necessary steps in this process.

Ask your sponsor, recovery friends, or support group for feedback.

The people who have supported your recovery work so far likely know you and your recovery best.  If asked, they may be willing to suggest a few options based on their experience of you.

Maybe you are letting things slip now that you’re feeling better.  You aren’t attending meetings or your support group as frequently, or you’re neglecting to reach out to people who are supporting your recovery.  Your self-care may be lacking.  The people who have been in your corner thus far will notice these things and give feedback.

If you don’t have a sponsor or anyone to ask, then getting a sponsor, building more deeply into recovery relationships, or joining a support group needs to be your next step.

Go back over your first step.

As you review your first step, see if you can add any additional information, now that you have more knowledge of addiction.  Identify factors (seemingly) unrelated to your addiction that may have been exacerbating the problem.  Challenges such as arguments with spouse, parenting difficulties, or overworking can be patterns that you’re likely to continue unless they are addressed.

Pinpoint other addictions.

Do you noticed any other addictive patterns in your life?  It is common to replace one addictive behavior with another: drinking copious amounts of coffee for the caffeine high when you’re recovering from alcoholism; using shopping or overworking as a way to cope with the stress of letting go of sex and love addiction.  This can be another way to self-medicate and avoid the tougher tasks of recovery.  Have you replaced one “drama” with another?

Check on the status of intimacy in your relationships.

Recovery requires creating healthy intimacy in relationships with yourself, your friends, and your significant other.  Healthy intimacy is not limited to sexual intimacy: instead, it means learning how to be vulnerable and connected to people without being held back by fear.  This starts with learning to be vulnerable and connected to yourself: recognizing your emotions, accepting your experience, and addressing your critical self-talk.

Identify any losses you have not yet grieved.

Often addiction comes from numbing out and escaping from feelings of loss or pain.  Therefore, avoiding the grieving process might have fueled your addiction.  Also, leaving the addiction behind is its own grieving process.  Identify areas where you might have unresolved grief or pain that needs to be processed.

It also might be time, now that you have more mental and emotional space, to begin to address some of the deeper issues that led you to addiction in the first place.  You may have early trauma in your past that led to negative core beliefs about your worth or value that have lingered.  It might involve destructive patterns in relationship with your spouse or friends that need a more major overhaul.

Recognize any additional amends that need to be made.

Incorporated into the 12 Steps is a requirement to make amends for past wrongs or failures toward others.  Making amends can be a one-time act in some cases, particularly for those with whom you have little interaction.  If you are married or in a long-term relationship, however, amends is an ongoing process.  Working with your partner on rebuilding trust is a goal that can propel you forward into living amends with them.

How to Take Action

Create or revisit your Personal Craziness Index (PCI).

The Personal Craziness Index is a tracking tool designed by Patrick Carnes and outlined in his book Facing the Shadow that can help you identify signs that you’re slipping away from living into your recovery.  Becoming conscious of the factors that are contributing to or taking away from your recovery over a period of 12 weeks can give you an idea of goals to be working toward.

Experiment with healthy intimacy.

Once you are able to connect with your own emotions and experience, then you can work on becoming intimate in more healthy ways in your friendships.  Choosing vulnerability in relationships is a strong way to foster connection, as Brené Brown suggests.  Look for opportunities to grow in intimacy, and ask for feedback from those with whom you are in relationship.

Do trauma work in therapy.

If you are working with an individual therapist, now might be the time to transition to processing past trauma.  There are several methods of trauma processing that are effective, but I personally am a fan of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or EMDR.

You might be wondering what trauma to focus on processing first.  If this is the case, I’d recommend working on a trauma egg, which is a tool to help you make sense of the impact of your family-of-origin and other influences on your experiences of past trauma.

Actively grieve losses.

Write a psalm of lament.  Write a letter to the person, item, dream, or ideal that was lost.  Identify what you’ve missed about the loss.  Consider what you’ve gained from the experience of walking through loss.

Shift your focus to a new area of growth.

After establishing sobriety and having more mental and emotional space, you might find that you need to focus on improving communication in your marriage, creating stronger friendships, growing in parenting skills, or dealing with workplace issues.

Once you identify which of these areas still needs work, make this a focus of your growth.  Go to marriage counseling if you’re wanting to restore your marriage.  If you’re looking to build more relationships outside of your 12 Step group, join a club or group at your church or in your town.  Work with your child’s teachers to help you grow as a parent.  If you’re dissatisfied with your career, consider career counseling or switching your job.