When you first enter recovery, it is often because you’ve come to a crisis point. You’ve hit rock bottom in your addiction. You’re forced to face the consequences of your behavior, like a spouse discovering your deception and threatening to divorce. Intense feelings of depression or anxiety hit you like a wave, and you might even find yourself wanting to take your own life in the depths of your despair.
This initial motivation propelling you into recovery, however, tends to fade over time. While attempting to stay motivated, many addicts recognize that they don’t have a strong sense of identity. So much of who you are has been wrapped up in this addiction. Leisure time has been spent acting out rather than on personal interests and hobbies. Relationships have been superficial and shallow. Perhaps your history of past trauma communicates (mostly negative) messages to you about who you are.
Without that sense of identity, it can be challenging to determine what you value or what is important to you. Your addiction has distorted what is important and places itself as the highest priority in your life. When that addiction is removed through sobriety, it can feel like there is now a void in your life. You might find yourself wondering: what does life look like after addiction? This question often arises when you’re grieving losses associated with the consequences of your addiction, like loss of relationships, physical health, job, or financial resources.
How do I learn and live out my identity?
Staci Sprout, a fellow Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, shares that the key to developing your recovery for the long-term is identifying your vision and purpose. The first step requires you to become more familiar with who you are.
It is essential to develop your identity in recovery because it can replace the narrative of shame you’ve lived under for so long. Many addicts have also experienced abuse, trauma, or neglect in their childhoods that meant they weren’t celebrated for their unique personality and gifts. If that sounds familiar to you, you may have no idea what your talents and personality are when you enter recovery, and you need to learn and celebrate your qualities that make you who you are.
When you have a more clear sense of your identity, that paves the way for you to connect with a vision for your future and a purpose to your life.
Vision
Vision involves connecting with your “’why” – why are you committed to recovery? Why are you making these changes in your life? If you don’t have a clear picture of your “why,” motivation can wax and wane.
To connect with your vision, ask yourself some of the following questions:
If you were free from the pull of addiction, what might change in your life? What would be different? What would you have more time to do?
Addiction is often associated with shame and low self-esteem. If you were free from addiction, how might you feel more confident? What effect might that confidence have on your life?
Relationships often serve as motivators for change. What relationships are important to you? Who do you want to be in those relationships?
You’re likely seeking out help from a therapist, 12 Step or support group, or even just reading books or articles online. What do you hope to get out of those support experiences? How will you know these have been successful for you? What will change in your life?
If you’ve completed a three-circle plan, ask yourself why the activities in your outer circle are important to you. What purpose are they serving?
What desires or wants do you have for your life?
When you answer these questions, you might begin to see a theme of values you hold. Values include such things as family, marriage, mental health, career success, authenticity in relationships, service and volunteering, or advocating for causes that are important to you. This leads well into the next stage, which is looking at purpose.
Purpose
Examining your purpose pushes you into a more existential frame of mind. It requires you to ask questions like: why am I here? What is my purpose on this earth? What am I meant to do with this one life that I have?
These questions can be challenging for a few reasons. First, they put your mortality into greater focus, which can stir up challenging emotions. Also, they are broad topics that can feel overwhelming to tackle. If you are a person of faith, your Christian faith or other religious practices can inform your purpose, as they lead you to a sense of belonging to something greater than yourself.
To make your purpose more practical, consider these questions:
Use the values you identified in the above vision section and broaden then to fit your entire life. Ask questions like: what might change about my actions if I wanted to live as if this value were my highest priority? How might my life look different?
If you’re involved in a 12 Step or support group, you may appreciate how others have helped you along in your recovery. How might you want to give back? How can your story of walking through recovery serve or help others?
For those in middle-age or older, generativity is a major life goal – passing along the knowledge and wisdom you’ve gained. How might you pass along this insight and wisdom to others? How could you mentor younger adults in a similar career field, through their recovery journeys, or in their faith?
For those who haven’t hit that generativity milestone, what life dreams have you considered or hoped for that you haven’t accomplished yet? What might you still be able to do with the time you have left?
What do you want others to stay about you after you’ve passed away? What legacy do you want to leave? How would you like to be described in a eulogy?
Exploring these questions related to life purpose can help you recognize the end goal of your sobriety and recovery work. Ultimately, your work isn’t only for you, but it is for those who will benefit after you. By clarifying your vision and purpose for yourself, you’ll have a more clear path forward whether you are dealing with discouragement in your recovery journey or if you’ve hit a major milestone of sobriety and are looking for what’s next.