How Understanding Attachment Can Drastically Improve Your Relationship: A Review of Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson

There are many theories and countless books about what makes relationships and marriages work.  Self-care and relationship sections at bookstores are filled with plenty of resources to offer marriage advice, not all of which is reliable or helpful.  But when all these tools coincide with increasing divorce rates, we are left wondering: how can couples make it through some of the worst moments of their relationship?

If you’ve been in a relationship with high levels of conflict, negative spirals you can’t seem to escape, and a sense of growing distance between you and your partner, the discouragement can feel overwhelming.  What’s the solution to these seemingly endless loops in which couples find themselves that propel them to consider divorce?

“To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Hold Me Tight

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson uses the lenses of attachment theory and neuroscience to explore how some couples overcome the destructive patterns in their relationship to forge a stronger connection.  She pulls together research from various studies on relationships that highlight the themes of attachment.  She then translates these concepts into seven practical conversations that help you explore the application of these concepts to your relationship.  They focus on how to turn challenging patterns of argument and conflict into opportunities to create connection and empathy.

This book is written for the everyday couple.  She explains clinical terms in a way that makes sense to someone who has never heard them before, and she uses frequent examples of couples going through challenges to illustrate the points she is making.  Counselors can also benefit from reading this book, however, as I know I was able to glean some practical tips and language that can help me guide my clients in their relationships. 

What I Appreciated

“Emotional Safety” and Other Terminology

Dr. Johnson’s use of terms like “emotional safety” take the heady, intellectual concepts of attachment and translate them into clear, relatable language.  Emotional safety is what we long for in relationships: the ability to know that our partner is Accessible (Are you there? Can I get to you?), Responsive (Can I depend on you to be there for me emotionally?) and Engaged (Am I valuable to you?  Will you maintain closeness with me?).  She teaches how to use what she coins A.R.E. conversations (based on accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement) to get at the heart of what is happening within connection and disconnection.

In fact, much of her language is descriptive and easy to remember.  For example, she uses “Demon Dialogues” to identify common patterns in faulty communication.  She introduces “Hold Me Tight” conversations, in which partners talk about their needs for emotional safety and connection that exist behind a conflict, inviting empathy and compassion.

Providing a Contrast to Cultural Messages

Frequently, Dr. Johnson contrasts our culture’s emphasis on independence and self-sufficiency with the reality of what makes couples work: mutual support, emotional bonding, and healthy meeting of emotional needs.  Often our culture decries weakness or dependency on anyone, encouraging us to stand on our own.  Even language surrounding codependency can swing toward this extreme of isolation through independence.  Her work in this book is meant to shift the narrative around healthy emotional support and depending on our spouses to meet emotional needs, particularly as larger social connections have been decreasing.

Conversations about Arguments and Hope

In the seven conversation topics Dr. Johnson proposes, she includes addressing arguments and conflict head-on, as they often carry the charge of longing for emotional connection behind them.  However, she doesn’t stop there.  The later conversations dig into such topics as improving daily moments of connection, creating rituals that reinforce your love, and improving your sexual relationship.  The earlier conversations around conflict and emotional needs lay the groundwork to make these later conversations go more smoothly.

“A desperate need for an emotional response that ends in blaming and a desperate fear of rejection and loss that ends in withdrawal – this was the scaffolding underneath these endless conflicts.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Pauses for Self-Reflection

As attachment and emotional safety are likely new concepts for you in your relationship, it makes sense that you might not know where to start in understanding your emotional needs.  Dr. Johnson leads you through personal reflection and helps you identify what she’s talking about, like your own personal raw spots based on past relationships with family or significant others.  The use of examples throughout can also help you self-reflect, as you identify what you relate to in their stories.

“Play and Practice”

In every chapter, there is at least one, if not several, practical application sections labeled “Play and Practice.”  These take the concepts Dr. Johnson talked about in the chapter and help you have a productive conversation with your partner about how they apply to your specific relationship.  These include such tools as fill-in-the-blank sentences that help you communicate with your partner about your reactions and emotional needs.  In particular, one section I appreciated near the end encouraged couples to write a summary story of the progress they’ve made in their relationship that serves as a narrative base to come back to when things start to get difficult or slip back into old patterns.

Addressing Trauma

She also included a chapter specifically targeting the challenging symptoms and disconnection that arises when trauma exists in your relationship.  I found this chapter especially helpful when thinking about addicts and betrayed partners who need to know that using these principles is still possible within their recovery from trauma.

She reminds the reader that we cannot stay isolated and disconnected in our trauma.  Instead, we need to let others, including our partners, into those dark places.  This can help make sense of the often confusing symptoms of PTSD that arise and create chaos within the relationship.

“If we cannot successfully connect with others, our struggles to cope with trauma become less effective, and our main resource, our love relationship, often begins to sink under its weight.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

How to Use This Book

If you are in a relationship where you find yourself arguing often, unable to get on the same page, feeling unsupported, or simply not understanding each other, this book might be a good place to start.  It is helpful if you don’t think you’re ready for couples counseling yet, but could use some support and growth within communication and connection.  Perhaps you and your significant other could read the book together and work through the Play and Practice sections to learn more about one another.  I believe this book can also be beneficial if you read it separately from your spouse, but the best outcome is more likely to come if you read it together.

If you are a couple in crisis, on the brink of divorce, or unable to have the type of in-depth conversation the book requires due to a buildup of past pain or a tendency to get lost in the “Demon Dialogues,” your first priority might be instead to seek out couples counseling.  If the principles of this book interest you, I’d recommend looking for a therapist who has training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), the model Dr. Johnson created based on her body of work.  You could also read this book as part of your therapy or on the side, but the best option is likely meeting with a quality couples therapist.

“We will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

How Enduring Vulnerabilities Are Affecting Your Marriage

Have you ever had an intense emotional reaction to something your spouse says or does, even though the situation doesn’t warrant it?  If you haven’t noticed this in yourself, is this something you’ve seen happen in your partner while you’re in a disagreement?

What about when you get into an argument with your spouse, but later on, neither of you are able to remember how the argument began or what made you so angry in the first place?  Often it can feel like it began over something silly that escalated out of control within minutes.

When your reaction to a situation in the present is intensified by experiences from the past, these signal that there may be an enduring vulnerability at play.

What are enduring vulnerabilities?

The term “enduring vulnerability” was coined by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA.  It references past experiences in relationships, your family-or-origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.

For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years.  When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame. 

Often these vulnerabilities stem from attachment wounds.  Attachment wounds occur when a primary caregiver in your childhood was not a safe or secure base for you.  You project those attachment wounds on your partner because they are now the closest attachment figure in your life.

Enduring vulnerabilities are unique to all people and are often the source of these unexpected emotional reactions.   In order to understand how they impact you, you must practice self-reflection and awareness of the current situation in order to put them into context.

How do enduring vulnerabilities impact couples?

Major arguments that happen in relationships are often fueled by these enduring vulnerabilities.  Something your spouse says or does reminds you of someone else or a past trauma, and you react as if you are right back in that trauma.

Sometimes, enduring vulnerabilities are worsened by actual harm done in your marriage.  When your partner makes a critical or contemptuous comment to you, it can intensify an enduring vulnerability that already exists.  If you have experienced betrayal in your marriage relationship, new vulnerabilities may form as your primary adult attachment figure now feels unsafe.

How can couples use enduring vulnerabilities to grow closer?

There is an upside to these enduring vulnerabilities, however.  John Gottman, in his research on couples, recognized that arguments provide an opportunity for couples to grow in intimacy as they get to know one another’s enduring vulnerabilities.  Understanding one another’s stories will allow you to increase your empathy in responding and caring for one another in your marriage.

Recognize them.

When you find yourself reacting strongly to an interaction with your spouse, take some time to self-reflect.  What was the most challenging part of the conversation for you?  Why do you think it was the most challenging? Ask yourself what the interaction reminded you of. What situations in the past may have set you up to feel the way you did?

Pay attention to the physical sensations that arose in your body, the emotions you were feeling, and the thoughts that were running through your mind.  Let your mind float back to similar experiences in your life. These memories may be the key to uncovering why you responded so strongly to your partner’s actions or words.

Talk about them with your partner.

After some time has passed post-argument and tensions have lowered, share what you felt particularly sensitive to about that argument and how it relates to what you now know about your enduring vulnerabilities.  Be sure to talk about your own experience using the talking formula rather than offering criticism or contempt about your spouse.

If your spouse is sharing their enduring vulnerabilities with you, listen to them.  Ask open-ended questions to understand more of their story.  Offer validation and empathy to show that you understand how what happened in the present must have been difficult for them, based on what they experienced in the past.

Conversations about enduring vulnerabilities can help you know one another more deeply and connect on a more significant level.  They create a stronger sense of intimacy as you begin to know one another’s stories and experience empathy and understanding.

Create a plan for situations like these in the future.

As a couple, you can decide how you want to approach these enduring vulnerabilities when they inevitably arise in your relationship again.  

It is important for the spouse who has the enduring vulnerability to take responsibility for their personal emotions, rather than blaming their reaction on their partner.  It may require them to do their own work in counseling or elsewhere to identify when enduring vulnerabilities arise and options for changing their automatic reaction to them.  This is especially important when that enduring vulnerability is impacted by a more serious mental health concern such as depression, PTSD, addiction, or others.

At the same time, the spouse who is not affected by that vulnerability can choose to adapt their approach in these conversations to lovingly support their spouse and avoid known triggers related to that vulnerability.  For example, if one of your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities comes from being called “stupid” frequently by a verbally abusive parent, you might intentionally avoid using that word to describe them or choose to affirm their competence in challenging situations.

In order to avoid codependency and attempts at mind-reading, have a conversation with your spouse about what would be supportive to them when they are experiencing an enduring vulnerability.  Allow your spouse to make requests of what they would prefer, and consider if you are willing to offer support in that way.

Have patience with the process.

Understanding your own and your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities is not an overnight process.  It takes time to fully understand how your unique stories and past experiences play into your interactions with one another, and often there will be some trial-and-error before you find the best ways to support one another.  Give yourself grace in this period of learning.

Know also that frequently couples have enduring vulnerabilities that intensify one another when they occur.  For example, he feels hurt when she walks away from the conversation out of fear of abandonment, but she feels scared when he comes after her due to her past history of abuse.  Recognizing and talking about these together can help you have more empathy for one another and grow into different approaches that work for your unique marriage.

Reintegrating Healthy Sexual Intimacy after Betrayal: A Review of The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy

Couples recovery from sex and love addiction can be a complex and lengthy process.  Even for those fully committed to the process of recovery, it can take between three to five years to uncover all that’s needed to heal a marriage.  The chaos and storm of staggered disclosures, broken trust, and faltering attempts at honesty can lead to confusion and overwhelm for both partners in the relationship.

Couples therapy requires participation and change by both members of the couple.  In the early stages of recovery, when the betrayed partner is reeling in pain and has often been manipulated, it doesn’t feel safe to make changes to support the relationship.  Individual healing work needs to be done first. Because of this, couples therapy is not recommended for most couples until each member of the couple is getting their own therapeutic support and a formal disclosure process has been completed.

The addict needs to get their individual pattern of addiction under control, and the partner needs space to process the pain of trauma that they experience.  They both need to establish support systems outside of the relationship in the form of 12 Step groups, sponsorship, support groups, and/or healthy friendships.  Boundaries need to be established and understood. Healing cannot happen in the marriage until there is a foundation of honesty, and formal disclosure is designed to create that foundation.

In some cases, couples therapy can begin earlier in the process of recovery.  Often this is when the couple needs to learn basic communication skills in order to navigate life together while going through this healing process.  Also, this can be helpful if the couple is pursuing a formal therapeutic separation and need guidance from a couples therapist on how to implement this logistically.

Let’s say you and your partner have been consistent in individual therapy, have strong social support, are committed to recovery-oriented behaviors, and have completed a formal disclosure.  Now what?  Many couples aren’t sure what to do once they’ve made significant progress in their individual recovery.  Deeper still, reintegrating or introducing healthy sexual intimacy can feel like a daunting task.  How can a couple recovering from sex and love addiction be intimate again?

Why A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy is Needed

In The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy, Bill and Ginger Bercaw give an answer to these “what next” questions.  They outline the sexual reintegration therapy (SRT) model that they’ve used consistently with recovering couples to help them achieve a level of intimacy in their relationships they hadn’t thought possible. 

The Bercaws’ approach helps to completely overhaul the experience of sexual intimacy in a recovering relationship.  Often, when sexual addiction was present, sexual experiences weren’t truly connecting or meaningful.  Physical and emotional intimacy are explored as integral parts of true sexual connection. 

Their book includes information about the SRT model and explorations of true healthy sexuality and its differences from addicted sex.  They also include a series of practical exercises (planned intimate experiences) that can be put into play by the couple, progressing gradually toward an entirely new vision of sexual intimacy.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw strongly recommend working with a CSAT couples therapist while going through this material, as much of what can arise emotionally and relationally needs space to be processed in a safe environment with trained professionals.  It is also important to maintain your individual therapy and support while walking through SRT, so you can have space to process what comes up for you individually as you begin to experiment with this new approach to intimacy.

Insights from the Book

The foundations upon which Bill and Ginger Bercaw lay their book form a series of important insights into the process of reintegrating healthy sexuality into a recovering marriage.

Healthy sexual intimacy is made possible by integrating physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of intimacy.

Broken trust and betrayal destroy all levels of intimacy. In particular, sexual intimacy is affected as often one or both partners are using it as a way to get something from the other, as opposed to truly connecting during the experience.  The book emphasizes the need to integrate all areas of intimacy through direct and open communication and conversations, especially as integrated in the planned intimate experiences (PIEs). 

Reprogramming sexual scripts is Essential.

Our culture’s view on sex influences our approach to intimacy. For example, we emphasize trying new things as a way to keep sexual experience interesting or “spice it up.”  This is intensified by the influence of sex and love addiction on your relationship, where the addict may see sex as a way to pursue novelty or seek the next “high.”  But these approaches are not truly connecting.  They are more focused on performance than they are on intimacy, and intimacy is the greater need.

Reviewing your own sexual history can reveal your expectations about sex.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw lead the reader to reflect on their own sexual experiences and influences on their sexuality as an exercise in self-understanding.  For example, if you have a history of sexual abuse, it likely affects messages about your body or your sexual experience.  Exposure to pornography can create distorted expectations about how sex ought to be.  A lack of sexual information, particularly in more rigid home environments, can lead to a lack of knowledge about sexual response and experience.  Even such influences as the media, peer groups, churches, and others can have an impact on sexuality. 

Early attachment relationships also have an influence on your experience of sexual intimacy in your marriage.  If you have an avoidant attachment style, you’re more likely to want to withdraw from conflict and therefore don’t talk about sexual issues.  If you are more of an anxiously attached person, sex might be a way that you confirm you are loved by someone.  If you grew up in a rigid family system, you might see sexual behavior as rebellious or a way to branch out from restrictions.

These influences need to be acknowledged and addressed before true sexual intimacy can be experienced.  You’re carrying around baggage from your past that has to be unpacked before you can enter into the relationship without expectations or judgment.  This is important as you will be able to come to know your own sexual self and your partner’s sexual self, which then creates a more intimate experience.

The end goal isn’t perfect technique or sexual experience, but expressing love and connection through being present to yourself and your partner.

An overemphasis on technique or an idealized sexual experience has probably already led you to disappointment and pain.  Instead, the Bercaws’ approach to intimacy takes emphasis off the final result, instead focusing on remaining present throughout the entire process of intimacy.  Every PIE exercise focuses on different depths of intimacy.  Many exercises in the progression occur outside the bedroom or with clothes on.  Several focus on creating more emotional and relational intimacy, which paves the way for connected sexual intimacy.

The importance isn’t to find the new sex technique that’s going to boost your pleasure (despite what some magazine covers may say) but instead to learn how to become fully present to yourself, your partner, and your experience during your intimate encounter.  

Safety and communication are necessary in personalizing your path.

For many betrayed partners, there is not a sufficient level of safety in the relationship to rush into intimacy.  The Bercaws’ PIE exercises are designed to help you grow closer, and they also encourage speaking up when you aren’t comfortable or when you need to change something.  They emphasize using talking and listening boundaries throughout their PIEs and reinforce that with an emphasis on healthy, functional boundaries, which they describe at length.

If you’re looking for additional support in understanding how you can grow in the area of sexual intimacy in your recovering marriage, Bill and Ginger Bercaw’s book and their method of sexual reintegration therapy offer useful and practical tools to revolutionize your relationship.

The Evolving Nature of Addiction Recovery: How to Keep Growing After Getting Sober

You’ve made it past the early stages of recovery.  Crisis mode has passed. You’re no longer just trying to get sober and understand your addiction.  You have a recovery plan in place.  Maybe you’ve achieved a major milestone, like a year of sobriety.  Or perhaps you’ve completed your 12 Steps.  You feel confident in yourself and your progress.  But you also might be wondering: what now?

Focusing on recovery as a lifestyle rather than as a one-time event is crucial once you’ve made it past the initial crisis of establishing sobriety.  The 12 Step model encourages you to go over the steps repeatedly for that reason.  Similarly, Patrick Carnes has developed a 30 Task Model, of which only the first seven steps are related to the beginning tasks of getting sober and understanding your addiction.  The later steps go on to making greater, long-term changes in your life.

Assess your progress.

Acknowledge where you are in the 12 Steps.

If you haven’t yet completed the 12 Steps, this is a good place to start.  Review which of these steps you have not yet fully completed.  There are certain steps, like Step Four and Steps Eight and Nine, that are particularly difficult because they require time and effort.  Making amends and learning how to forgive are challenging but necessary steps in this process.

Ask your sponsor, recovery friends, or support group for feedback.

The people who have supported your recovery work so far likely know you and your recovery best.  If asked, they may be willing to suggest a few options based on their experience of you.

Maybe you are letting things slip now that you’re feeling better.  You aren’t attending meetings or your support group as frequently, or you’re neglecting to reach out to people who are supporting your recovery.  Your self-care may be lacking.  The people who have been in your corner thus far will notice these things and give feedback.

If you don’t have a sponsor or anyone to ask, then getting a sponsor, building more deeply into recovery relationships, or joining a support group needs to be your next step.

Go back over your first step.

As you review your first step, see if you can add any additional information, now that you have more knowledge of addiction.  Identify factors (seemingly) unrelated to your addiction that may have been exacerbating the problem.  Challenges such as arguments with spouse, parenting difficulties, or overworking can be patterns that you’re likely to continue unless they are addressed.

Pinpoint other addictions.

Do you noticed any other addictive patterns in your life?  It is common to replace one addictive behavior with another: drinking copious amounts of coffee for the caffeine high when you’re recovering from alcoholism; using shopping or overworking as a way to cope with the stress of letting go of sex and love addiction.  This can be another way to self-medicate and avoid the tougher tasks of recovery.  Have you replaced one “drama” with another?

Check on the status of intimacy in your relationships.

Recovery requires creating healthy intimacy in relationships with yourself, your friends, and your significant other.  Healthy intimacy is not limited to sexual intimacy: instead, it means learning how to be vulnerable and connected to people without being held back by fear.  This starts with learning to be vulnerable and connected to yourself: recognizing your emotions, accepting your experience, and addressing your critical self-talk.

Identify any losses you have not yet grieved.

Often addiction comes from numbing out and escaping from feelings of loss or pain.  Therefore, avoiding the grieving process might have fueled your addiction.  Also, leaving the addiction behind is its own grieving process.  Identify areas where you might have unresolved grief or pain that needs to be processed.

It also might be time, now that you have more mental and emotional space, to begin to address some of the deeper issues that led you to addiction in the first place.  You may have early trauma in your past that led to negative core beliefs about your worth or value that have lingered.  It might involve destructive patterns in relationship with your spouse or friends that need a more major overhaul.

Recognize any additional amends that need to be made.

Incorporated into the 12 Steps is a requirement to make amends for past wrongs or failures toward others.  Making amends can be a one-time act in some cases, particularly for those with whom you have little interaction.  If you are married or in a long-term relationship, however, amends is an ongoing process.  Working with your partner on rebuilding trust is a goal that can propel you forward into living amends with them.

How to Take Action

Create or revisit your Personal Craziness Index (PCI).

The Personal Craziness Index is a tracking tool designed by Patrick Carnes and outlined in his book Facing the Shadow that can help you identify signs that you’re slipping away from living into your recovery.  Becoming conscious of the factors that are contributing to or taking away from your recovery over a period of 12 weeks can give you an idea of goals to be working toward.

Experiment with healthy intimacy.

Once you are able to connect with your own emotions and experience, then you can work on becoming intimate in more healthy ways in your friendships.  Choosing vulnerability in relationships is a strong way to foster connection, as Brené Brown suggests.  Look for opportunities to grow in intimacy, and ask for feedback from those with whom you are in relationship.

Do trauma work in therapy.

If you are working with an individual therapist, now might be the time to transition to processing past trauma.  There are several methods of trauma processing that are effective, but I personally am a fan of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or EMDR.

You might be wondering what trauma to focus on processing first.  If this is the case, I’d recommend working on a trauma egg, which is a tool to help you make sense of the impact of your family-of-origin and other influences on your experiences of past trauma.

Actively grieve losses.

Write a psalm of lament.  Write a letter to the person, item, dream, or ideal that was lost.  Identify what you’ve missed about the loss.  Consider what you’ve gained from the experience of walking through loss.

Shift your focus to a new area of growth.

After establishing sobriety and having more mental and emotional space, you might find that you need to focus on improving communication in your marriage, creating stronger friendships, growing in parenting skills, or dealing with workplace issues.

Once you identify which of these areas still needs work, make this a focus of your growth.  Go to marriage counseling if you’re wanting to restore your marriage.  If you’re looking to build more relationships outside of your 12 Step group, join a club or group at your church or in your town.  Work with your child’s teachers to help you grow as a parent.  If you’re dissatisfied with your career, consider career counseling or switching your job.

Recognizing Codependency: A Codependency Quiz

The term “codependent” has been used often within addiction and the mental health world to describe someone whose identity or sense of self is wrapped up in another person.  But this term has had its fair share of misuse and controversy.

In addiction literature, “codependency” became synonymous with “co-addiction”.  Co-addiction suggests that the partner of an addict is addicted to the relationship with the addict, which enables the addict and allows him or her to continue their addictive behavior.  Labeling the partner as a co-addict gave them a disproportionate amount of blame for the addict’s choices.  It caused many partners to feel that their stories were invalidated.  Because of this, addiction literature has shifted to recognize partners’ experience in relationship with addicts as traumatic and avoid using labels such as codependent .

Unfortunately, this response neglects the reality of some people’s true experience of codependency.  Codependency can happen in the context of a relationship with an addict or not.  It can also happen with a child who is rebelling or making poor choices.  It could happen in friendships or work relationships.  It can happen in your church or other places you volunteer or give your time and energy.

What is codependency?

According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, a codependent person is “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”  He or she becomes overly involved and entangled in the lives of others, to the detriment of their own well being.  A codependent person often has high needs for affection and care with corresponding devastation when they feel they aren’t receiving them.

Codependent individuals lose themselves in others.  They misplace their identity and unique personality in the search to find another person to “complete” them.  Their relationships are often one-sided, as evidenced by a tendency to try everything to save relationships that are destructive.  Codependent people feel they can save others through their compassionate help and care, but are disappointed when their attempts to fix or “support” are met with resistance, and their well-being suffers as a result.

Pia Mellody, another clinician who writes on codependency in her book Facing Codependence: What it Is, Where it Comes From, How it Sabotages Our Lives, talks about failure to set appropriate boundaries as a hallmark of codependency.  You might see this as taking on too much responsibility for the well-being of others and feeling guilty when attempts to help fall through.  She shares insights into the origins of codependency in her book, indicating that often this stems from codependency in your family-of-origin.

A Codependency Quiz

Read through the questions below and answer yes or no to determine if you might struggle with codependency.

• Do you tend to doubt yourself and feel insecure, even in areas where you have experience and know what you’re doing?

• Do you struggle to say “no” to requests even when you don’t have the time or energy to carry them out?

• Do you let people too close to you, only to feel betrayed when they disappoint or hurt you?

• Do you find yourself pushing people away to protect yourself?

• Do you have a hard time recognizing your own emotions or thoughts?

• Do you struggle to identify your own needs?

• Do you spend excessive amounts of time and energy on others at the expense of meeting your own needs?

• Have others described you as “too needy” in relationships?

• Do you have intense emotional reactions to conflict in your relationships?

• In relationships, do you often feel that you are the only one making a sacrifice to meet your partner’s needs?

• Do you find your personal worth or value in how others see you?

• Are you constantly striving to prove yourself to others?

• Do you tend to overanalyze and obsess over mistakes you’ve made in relationships?

• Do you find yourself thinking, “if only this other person would change, everything in my life would be better?”

• Do you feel a strong need to be loved, affirmed, and desired that causes problems in relationships?

• Do you notice yourself using passive-aggressive statements to get your needs met?

• Do you find yourself trying to “fix” others?

• Do you have a hard time trusting others?

• Do you struggle with intense outbursts of anger or irritability?

• Do you feel ambivalence toward intimacy: a desire to be close to others, but also a fear of what it means to be close?

• Do you try to make everyone else around you happy, even though you feel miserable?

• Do you feel overcome with shame and/or guilt when someone offers you constructive feedback?

If you’ve answered five or more of these questions with “yes,” you may be dealing with codependent tendencies in your life.  Reach out to a licensed counselor to talk more about your responses and get help.

Resources for Codependency

In the meantime, you may be interested in learning more about codependency.  Here are a few books I’d recommend if you’re interested in learning more, seeing if you identify with any codependent tendencies, and beginning the process of healing.

• Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody (also has a workbook)

• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie (also has a workbook)

• The Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody

• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

• Conquering Codependency: A Christ-Centered 12-Step Process by Pat Springle

The Key to Satisfying Relationships: Understanding Your Adult Attachment Style

How do you experience relationships?  Are you confident in your connection with others and able to relate easily?  Do you long for the perfect relationship, but feel dissatisfied once you’re in one and struggle to get out?  Do you feel terrified of being alone or abandoned, and will do whatever it takes to keep your loved ones close, even if it means sacrificing part of who you are?

Whether or not you’ve experienced these yourself, you probably know someone else who has. These patterns in relationships can create despair, hopelessness, or distress.  Often, these patterns are rooted in the theory of adult attachment styles.

What is attachment?

Attachment is an individual’s beliefs about his or her safety, security, and protection in relation to others, formed by early interactions between child and caregiver.  Attachment theory is based on the research of John Bowlby, who was curious about the distress infants showed when separated from their caregivers.  He believed that children use these behaviors in order to get their caregiver’s attention and essentially ask their caregiver, “Can I trust you to respond?  Will you take care of my needs?”  The response of the caregiver forms the foundation of the child’s attachment style.

Building on Bowlby’s research, Mary Ainsworth put this theory into the research lab.  She created the “strange situation,” an environment where a child was brought by their caregiver into a playroom where another adult was present.  The caregiver would leave for a short time and then return.  Researchers observed the response of the infant when the parent left, while the parent was outside the room, and upon the return of the parent.

She observed four different responses in children.  Securely attached children were upset when their caregiver left, but comforted by their return.  This was the most common response (60% of children) and indicated that the caregivers were responsive to the needs of the child.

Insecurely attached children were impacted by lack of responsiveness or inconsistent responses from their caregivers.  They took one of three forms:

• Insecure-resistant attachment – These children showed high levels of distress when their caregiver left.  They were unable to be soothed upon reuniting with their caregiver, almost as if they were “punishing” the caregiver for leaving.

• Insecure-avoidant attachment – These children weren’t distressed by their caregiver leaving and ignored their caregiver upon re-entry, often choosing to continue playing rather than engaging with their caregiver.

• Insecure-disorganized attachment – These children demonstrated an unpredictable response that could not be categorized.  These responses were more commonly correlated with childhood abuse.

Adult Attachment Styles

Later on, researchers Hazan and Shaver extended these findings into adulthood.  They concluded that attachment styles in childhood affected the way adults experienced intimacy and connection in romantic relationships. 

For example, if you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you learned at a young age that important people will not respond appropriately to your needs.  As an adult, you may find yourself in similar relationships that confirm the belief formed early on that you cannot depend on others to meet your needs, or that you are unlovable and aren’t deserving of love or care.  Unfortunately, you can then become trapped in a cycle of relationships where you expect this belief to be true, and (in self-fulfilling prophecy) reaffirm the belief.

Read the descriptions below about adult attachment styles and pay attention to if you relate to any one of them, or if you know someone who does.  You can also take this assessment online to discover your attachment style. 

Secure attachment

These individuals are confident in themselves and in their ability to be loved and cared for by those close to them.  This doesn’t mean that they are always without insecurity – in fact, it is normal for anyone to have some level of hesitation in these areas.  However, at their core, secure individuals believe they are worthy of love and trust that their loved ones will respond to their needs.  They are willing to both depend on others and can also be depended upon by others.

In relationships, securely attached individuals are interdependent.  They can separate from their partner, have their own interests, and encourage their significant other’s interests.  But they can also come back to their relationship feeling connected, loved, and supported with their partner.  They both seek and provide support to their partners, and therefore are the most satisfied.  They tend to have honesty and equality in their relationships.

Anxious (preoccupied) attachment

Anxiously attached individuals long to be loved and worry consistently that they are not.  They become frustrated and angry when their attachment needs aren’t met in their primary relationships, and will attempt to create intimacy when they are feeling this way. Sadly, this often backfires. 

In relationships, anxiously attached individuals are over-dependent. They believe their partner will “complete” them.  They hold to the fantasy that finding a significant other to love them will solve their problems and make their lives better.  This isn’t real love, but an obsession fueled by fantasy.  Rushing into relationships, these individuals don’t allow enough time to build real trust, but instead create a false sense of security with their partner   Love addicts tend to fall into this category.  They desire to be very close, cling to their partners for safety and security, and crave reassurance that they are loved.  Unfortunately, this often causes their partners to withdraw, creating a vicious cycle that reaffirms their beliefs in their own flawed nature and inability to be loved.

Avoidant (dismissing-avoidant) attachment

Those with avoidant attachment styles struggle with the intimacy required for close relationships, preferring to be on their own without any others depending on them.  They dismiss the need for close relationships, having used that behavior to cope with early childhood experiences where they were responsible for caregivers’ emotional needs and learned to deny or shut down their own as a result.  In fact, shutting down emotionally became an adaptive way of protecting themselves.

In relationships, these individuals prefer to be independent, creating emotional distance between themselves and their partners, often as a way to protect against smothering or feeling consumed by their partner.  They learned that the way to get their needs met is to pretend to have no needs.  This can easily detach from relationships because of lack of consideration for their importance.  Sex addiction is more common in these individuals.

Fearful-avoidant attachment

Fearful-avoidant individuals have a strong sense of ambivalence about their relationships, switching between feeling anxious about losing their loved one and avoidance of emotional closeness.  They have difficulty managing their overwhelming emotions.  You might see this type as chaotic and unpredictable, and even they feel confused by the near-constant attempts to balance just the right amount of closeness with someone. 

Often this stems from a caregiver who was too close, enmeshed, or smothering with the child.  They desired to go to their caregivers to get their needs met, but may have received a negative response when they reached out. In relationships, fearful-avoidant individuals exist on a roller-coaster of drama and intensity.  They are both fearful of being abandoned and fearful of experiencing true intimacy with another person. 

Adult Attachment Styles in Relationships

As mentioned earlier, it is common for anxious and avoidant individuals to be drawn to one another and create a cycle of disappointment.  In some ways, being with a partner that reinforces childhood beliefs about the dependability of a caregiver feels familiar and therefore attractive.  While it is better for both to build a relationship with a securely attached individual, those relationships often contain less intensity, which both the anxious and avoidant crave.

Fortunately, your adult attachment style is not a permanent death sentence for your love life.  Understanding your natural tendency in attachment helps you to be aware of it when going into relationships.  It can also be changed by “learned” attachment with corrective experiences in your romantic relationship and/or friendships, relationships in therapy, and other important people in your life.  Being close to a responsive and kind individual can go a long way toward changing the dynamics of insecure attachment in adulthood.

Additional Resources

If you’re interested in learning more about attachment theory, check out these resources:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller

• Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy

Let's Talk About Sex: A Review of Total Intimacy by Douglas Rosenau and Deborah Neel

Do you and your spouse have a hard time communicating about sexual intimacy?  Do you feel like your sex life is kind of blah?  Are you dealing with the aftereffects of trauma or betrayal and want to ease into sexual intimacy with your partner in a way that feels safe?

Doug Rosenau and Deborah Neel are Christian sex therapists that specialize in helping couples have more satisfying sex lives.  In their slim volume Total Intimacy: A Guide to Loving By Color, they offer a practical approach to talking with your spouse about sex and improving the quality of your intimacy.

“We long to be in an intimate relationship with someone, especially a mate, who will pursue us, fully know, love, and accept us.”

— Doug Rosenau and Deborah Neel 

What is Total Intimacy?

“Total intimacy,” as the authors define it, approaches sexual intimacy on three distinct levels.  Each of these levels involves three-dimensional connecting, involving the mind, body, and heart or emotions.  The authors liken the balance between these three levels to a healthy diet with all necessary food groups.  Emotional and sexual intimacy are intertwined and work together.

The three distinct levels are represented by colors: green, purple, and orange.  Each color exists on a continuum of depth ranging from lighter to darker shades, representing the depth of interaction at each level.  Knowing and understanding the meaning of these colors can help you use them as a playful way to communicate your desires.

Understanding the Colors

Green

Green representing bonding in the relationship, where you and your spouse are “intimate companions.”  Connecting with one another and sharing emotions builds intimacy, as in other friendships.  Experiencing Green intimacy, or marital friendship is required to establish safety before you can move onto the more intense colors of Purple and Orange.

To grow your Green, revisit activities you enjoyed when you were dating.  Get to know your spouse again using Gottman’s Love Maps exercises.  Make time for date nights or other intentional time together.  Lean into vulnerability in communicating honestly about your feelings, which can often be difficult.

When dealing with broken trust or betrayal, as in the case of sex and love addiction, Green behaviors are essential to re-establishing trust and safety.  The addict must show actions that line up with words in order to grow trust, and the later colors of Purple or Orange may not feel safe for the partner until that trust is rebuilt. 

Purple

Purple represents the coupling level, or becoming “sensuous lovers.”  Purple actions go beyond friendship into romance, using flirtation and affection to communicate closeness.  This color is often most neglected in marriage, as romantic cuddling or kissing becomes just a step toward sex.  But skipping over physical touch and affection for the sake of enjoying one another leads to missing out on the intimacy that comes in the Purple stage.

Purple activities are sensory in nature, requiring you to use all five senses to create a romantic experience.  It is necessary to practice mindfulness in this stage, remaining in the present moment and enjoying that experience.  This level of affection may trigger arousal, but the goal of Purple behaviors isn’t orgasm, simply to enjoy the romantic connection.

“Purple intimacy is eroticism with boundaries – sensuality that may be arousing, yet not having to lead anywhere.”

— Douglas Rosenau and Deborah Neel

Orange

Finally, the orange level is associated with igniting as “erotic playmates.”  This can include a range of sexual experiences that does not always require orgasm, but focuses instead on mutual pleasure rather than self-seeking or self-focused pleasure.  In order to make orange intimacy safe, refusals have to be practiced and accepted, as you must be able to say no in order to say yes authentically.

In the book, Rosenau and Neel talk about becoming more comfortable around sexual intimacy, especially for Christians who have received messages of shame about erotic sexuality and sexual desires.  Sexual intimacy was created by God as a reflection of His love.  Communicating about this orange level of intimacy and naming wants and desires can break through this stigma.

As a couple, increase your knowledge about the differences between male and female sexuality, instead of just basing your awareness on stereotypes or expectations.  Know that it is normal to have a range of different satisfaction levels with intimacy, and seek to understand what makes it an enjoyable experience for each of you through learning about you partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs.

Helpful Tips

Sprinkled throughout the text, Rosenau and Neel put in sidebars that give extra tips if there are wounds for either spouse.  This acknowledges the reality that when there has been sexual abuse, sexual assault, or lack of trust due to an affair or betrayal, that has effects. The theme in these sidebars is to allow for intimacy to grow more slowly, create for more communication around intimacy, and talk about safe touch.

I also love how the authors encourage women to find their sexual voices.  The book reminds women to take up space, communicate, and ask for what they want.  The emphasis on learning to refuse sex within marriage is important as well, because being unable to say “no” can set up an unhealthy dynamic where she can feel silenced.

The book also normalizes that a healthy sex life takes time and practice, instead of happening naturally.  Often newlyweds expect that sex will be natural and easy.  However, that is often not the case.  The book also breaks through the faulty assumption that sex doesn’t need to be discussed, when the opposite is true in order to have a mutually satisfying sex life.  I appreciate the practical exercises and discussion questions in the book that will help you and your spouse communicate together about your sex life.

A Few Criticisms

As much as I love the concepts of this book and their practical applications, there are a few criticisms related to style and some commentary that need to be acknowledged.  There is quite a bit of cheesy language and gender stereotyping that may be difficult to look past.

As the focus is for a Christian audience, the principles are supported by Scripture and references to God are made often through the text.  However, I believe the concepts still stand even for couples who aren’t Christians.

Finally, some of the language around forgiveness in the book may be difficult for partners of sex and love addicts to read, because offering forgiveness isn’t so simple in their experiences. 

All in all, however, I believe that learning to love by color can greatly enhance your comfort in talking about sexual intimacy and creating conversation about likes and dislikes, and I’d encourage you to start conversations about these principles in your marriage.

One Game-Changing Tool to Approach Arguments as Opportunities for Intimacy in Marriage

It’s a typical Saturday afternoon, and you’re wrapped in up in cleaning the house, watching a pot of soup on the stove, and attempting to keep your kids entertained.  Your spouse walks in the door to see Legos scattered around the floor, the debris left over from one of your many attempts at distraction.  Your spouse gives you a look that communicates, “did a bomb go off in here?”

You immediately feel a flood of anger coursing through your veins.  You snap at your spouse, irritated with their nonverbal insensitivity and criticism.  You start defending yourself, and meanwhile your spouse looks completely bewildered and caught off guard, like a deer in the headlights.

Little did you know in that moment, but that particular look on your spouse’s face was exactly the same as the look your father used to give you before he launched into a tirade about your irresponsibility and immaturity.  For a moment, your father’s face flashed before your eyes, not your spouse’s, and you were brought right back to the feeling of being a chastised child.

What is a trigger?

You’ve likely experienced moments like these in your life, where you’ve had an intense and strong emotional reaction to something that didn’t make sense.   These moments, referred to as triggers, are moments when you experience an intense and extreme emotional reaction that is disproportionate to the event that occurred.  Typically, these are brought on by memories of past experiences where you felt hurt, ashamed, guilty, or a range of other negative emotions.  Most often, triggers differ from person to person and are not easily predicted, and therefore can lead to arguments or miscommunication in marriage.

Talking about triggers is an integral part of learning to communicate more effectively in your relationships and have arguments that lead you to become more intimately connected with one another.

Wait a second – arguments that cause you to become more intimately connected?  That sounds like a mistake.

Guess what?  It’s not.

John Gottman, marriage researcher, prefers to talk about the concept of conflict “management” rather than conflict “resolution.”  Why’s that?  He found that 69% of conflicts couples have in their marriage are unresolvable – meaning that conflict resolution is a myth in 69% of arguments.

Instead, couples need to come to a place of compromise in their arguments.  The process of getting to compromise involves learning more about triggers in order to grow to understand your partner’s past.  As you get to know your partner’s experience, you’ll become more adaptive and empathetic to their needs, and more willing to make a compromise.  You’ll also feel known and understood as they learn your side of the story.

Sounds like a win-win after all!

How can I tell when I’m being triggered?

Step one to understanding triggers is understanding when you’ve been triggered.  This involves becoming aware of your emotional and physical reactions.  In the example above, you had no idea why you jumped from relatively neutral to raging in less than 3.6 seconds at the look on your spouse’s face.

If you were able to take a step back a little later when you had calmed your emotional arousal, you may have been able to gain more awareness of what emotion came up.  In the example above, you may have felt fear or defensiveness.  Triggers typically involve emotions or beliefs that are deeper under the surface, so uncovering them is a crucial process.

When you identify the emotion, ask yourself: what message does this emotion communicate to me?  If I could give the emotion a voice, what would it be saying?  In the example, the fear of defensiveness is saying that I’m worthless or not good enough.

Then, take a moment to ask yourself this question: when was the first time I remember feeling that way?  What is a significant time in my past when I remember having those thoughts?

Alternatively, think of that emotion or that belief and rewind the tape of your life back – what moments stand out to you as times when you truly believed that thought?  When that emotion was felt?

How do I communicate about triggers with my spouse?

Once you’ve calmed down enough to identify that trigger, then it’s time to communicate the trigger to your spouse.  This process mirrors Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight exercise, allowing you to name what you need.

First, talk to your spouse about how you felt in the moment about what happened. “I felt angry when you came home because it seemed as though you were judging me for the state of the house.”

Next, identify why that particular reaction was triggering to you.  “The look on your face reminded me of a look my father used to give me before yelling at me about how irresponsible I was.  Back then, I would feel afraid and believe that I was worthless and not good enough.”

Then, take responsibility for the disproportionate reaction: “I responded out of fear and defensiveness to you, even though you are not my father, and I don’t believe those words were what you were trying to communicate to me.  I am sorry for snapping at you and criticizing you.”

Finally, communicate what you will do in the future, as well as asking your spouse for help.  As an option, you can invite your spouse to suggest an idea for him or her to carry out.  “In the future, I will do my best to remind myself that you are not my father and that you are not commenting on my worth or value.  If you’re willing, it would be helpful for me to hear you say that you love me or offer to help.  Is that something you’re willing to try?”

Notice how the interation above invites intimacy.  You have to step into the risk of sharing vulnerably a difficult part of your story that allows your spouse to get to know you better.  You humbly take responsibility for your fault in the matter, as none of us are without blame.   And it gives a solution-focused response on how to approach those conflicts in the future.

My hope is that you’ll begin to see your arguments with your spouse not as a signal that your relationship is falling apart, but as an opportunity to grow closer to one another and connect to one another’s worlds.

Why Honesty Is So Important In Addiction Recovery

Did you ever lie about anything when you were a kid?  Maybe you broke your mother’s favorite vase.  Maybe you snuck out of the house in the wee hours of the night.  Or maybe you just took an extra cookie out of the cookie jar.

Check out how this kid responds to being found out.  Did this ever happen to you?

Why do you think this little boy lied about eating the sprinkles?  It’s obvious to everyone else around him that he’s lying – the evidence is right there on his face and between his teeth.  I imagine he probably felt ashamed about what he had done.  He didn’t want to be found out, and he figured that since his mother didn’t see him eating the sprinkles, she probably wouldn’t know he had done it.  I wonder if, by the end, he’d been lying about the sprinkles for so long that he actually believed he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Notice the boy’s response when his mom does confront him about the sprinkles on his face.  He continues to deny that he ate them, and he slowly backs away from her.  Have you ever done this?  When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?  I wonder if he was afraid of punishment.  Maybe he wanted to be a “good boy.”   Or maybe he worried about what his mom would think of him, if she would still love him.

When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?

This pattern of deception, denial, and eventually getting found out characterizes the stories of most sex addicts.  Addicts likely feel shame about their behaviors, so they hide from their spouses or loved ones as long as possible.  This pattern of deception continues to the point that the addict begins to believe his or her justifications for the lies, and may begin to forget or discount the consequences of his or her behavior.  Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

Eventually, addicts get found out.  Whether the shame of living in addiction eventually becomes too much, or the addict is discovered, the spouse or their friends will eventually discover how the addict’s behavior affects them.  But even after being found out, addicts often continue to hide, either through denial (which makes their spouse feel crazy) or only telling parts of their story.

Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

I recently read a memoir written by a female sex addict in which she talked about the pivotal moment of her recovery coming when she chose to be honest about a relapse.  In the past, it would’ve been easy for her to hide instead of coming clean about what she had done.  However, when she did share in the midst of her 12 Step meeting, she was met with kindness and grace from the fellow members of the group.

Honesty is the first principle tied to the 12 Step program for a reason.  There is no recovery when there is continuing deception.  We need to learn to be honest.  If we deceive ourselves and others through denial, justification, and entitlement, we will never experience healing.  We need to admit that we are powerless over our addictions in order to grow.  Chances are, someone in your accountability group or 12 Step program has probably already suspected that you might be lying or hiding information.  Just like the boy in the video, we give cues and often later realize that others knew more than we thought.

There is no recovery when there is continuing deception. 

And yet, honesty is often one of the most vulnerable places we can find ourselves in.  When we choose to be honest, particularly about behaviors or desires tied to addiction, we often are admitting flaws or areas of intense, overwhelming shame.  Shame thrives in isolation.  As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

As Brené Brown says in her TED talk about vulnerability, we must connect with others in order to move through shame.  And the only way we can connect with others is to be honest with them.  Honesty invites intimacy.  Imagine the life you could be living in freedom from your addiction.  In order to grow in this freedom, it is crucial to be honest with ourselves and with others in the process of recovery.

As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

My challenge to you this week is to be honest with someone safe in your life, like a sponsor or accountability partner.  Maybe there’s an area of your addictive behavior that feels too shameful to admit.  Maybe there’s an area you’ve been in denial about for years, and you’re starting to believe that you might be more impacted by it than you realize.  Maybe there’s a dark side to your desire that frightens you.

Open up.  Share that weakness with a trusted confidante.  It will be vulnerable, and it likely will be painful.  But as you open up with others in your life, you’ll be able to experience genuine connection, intimacy, grace, forgiveness, and love.

Tired of Destroying Your Marriage? Four Antidotes to Heal a Hurting Relationship

Have you ever had a huge fight with your spouse, but then realize you have no idea what started the argument?  Are you sick and tired of exploding into anger and insults in conversations with your partner?  Maybe you walk away from discussions with a sinking feeling that something in your marriage isn’t working. Or instead of arguing, you notice yourself or your spouse muttering passive-aggressive comments, and your mutual respect and understanding is slowly slipping away.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the four communication habits that destroy marriages, as researched by John Gottman.  Luckily, Gottman has found an antidote to each of these behaviors that can help you to reverse your downward spiral into these four destructive habits.  Let’s take a look.

Instead of criticism?  Use gentle start-up.

Remember how Gottman can watch 10 minutes of a couple’s conversation and predict with surprising accuracy if that couple will divorce?  In the first three minutes of every conflict conversation, certain indicators will predict how the rest of the conversation will go.

You’ve likely seen this in your own relationship.  If you bring up a topic with your partner that begins with an accusatory “you,” your partner immediately goes on the defensive.

Instead, state your personal feelings, reactions, and needs.  The magic formula for authentic communication is founded upon naming a personal emotion you’re experiencing, expressing what you saw or heard that led to that emotion, and naming a positive need.  By expressing yourself in this way, you allow your partner to see the effect his or her actions have on you, but you also provide a solution.

• Destructive tactic: “You never follow-through with what you say you’re going to do, I can’t count on you for anything.”

• Antidote: “I feel ignored and hurt when I ask you to help me out with a task, but it doesn’t get done. I need to know what timeline you have for completing that task. Can we create a schedule?”

Instead of contempt?  Practice fondness and appreciation.

Contempt takes criticism a step further and is born out of a place of seeing your partner as less than, or looking down on them.  One way to diagnose contempt in your relationship by asking if your partner ever feels “small” or like a child when you criticize them. 

If you notice contempt is an issue for you, seek to remember the things you love about your partner and what attracted you to them in the beginning of the relationship.  Notice their strengths and abilities, particularly in areas where you aren’t as strong.  Pay attention to their contributions to your relationship or your family. 

Valuing your spouse by building up your fondness and admiration system leads to a more solid foundation of friendship and respect in your marriage.  In general, practicing gratitude and seeking to accept your present circumstances with contentment can have a multitude of benefits for your mental and relational health.

• Destructive tactic: “Only an idiot would forget about our daughter’s soccer game.”

• Antidote: “I can see why this slipped through the cracks. You’ve been working long hours for your promotion at work. I’m thankful that you’re hard-working and dedicated to providing for our family.”

Instead of defensiveness? Try taking responsibility.

When you’re feeling criticized or your spouse is pointing out your weaknesses, it can feel self-protective to fight back and point out their not-so-great qualities.  Our natural bent is toward defensiveness, especially if we’re feeling guilt or shame about our behaviors.

In reality, none of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes from time to time, lose patience with our loved ones, or forget to do something we’re asked to do.  Before immediately reacting to your partner’s feedback and expression of needs, slow down and pay attention to what’s going on emotionally and in your body.  If you’re noticing feelings of guilt or shame, think through any weaknesses or faults you may be struggling to admit.

In some cases, your partner may have been triggered by something you did or said that you didn’t realize would affect them so strongly.  When you didn’t intend to hurt them, it can be helpful to acknowledge the trigger and what made it difficult for your partner and ask, “How can I support you better the next time something like this comes up?”

• Destructive tactic: “You would go out gambling too if your life was anywhere near as stressful as mine is.”

• Antidote: “You’re right. I should have cleared it with you first before I spent our money at the casino. How can we work together to approach this differently in the future?”

Instead of stonewalling? Practice self-soothing.

Stonewalling is usually accompanied by an experience Gottman calls “flooding,” which is a state of physiological arousal, the commonly known “fight-or-flight” response, where the brain is unable to process additional information.  Responding to flooding by calming your body’s natural response allows you to re-enter the conversation with greater presence of mind and ability to listen and respond to what is being shared.

There are a few different ways to respond to stonewalling.  Self-soothing exercises, such as mindfulness breathing exercises, are designed to help you focus on the present moment and sensations in your body.  The rhythm of deep breathing calms your sympathetic nervous system that has you in fight-or-flight mode, instead telling your body that you are safe.

Another strategy is to give yourself a break of at least 20 minutes from the conversation.  During this time, do whatever it takes to take your mind off of the argument.  Ruminating about what was said and what you wish you would have said only continues the state of flooding.  After this 20-minute break, come back together for another try at the discussion. 

• Destructive tactic: Zoning out, checking out of the conversation, or not listening.

• Antidote: “I’m feeling flooded right now, and I’m having a hard time being able to listen well because of it. Can we take a 20-minute break to cool off and then come back to finish talking?”

My hope is that, as you begin to use these antidotes, you’ll be able to experience greater connection and more productive experiences of conflict management with your partner.