codependent no more

Recognizing Codependency: A Codependency Quiz

title_recognizing_codependency_a_codependency_quiz_restored_hope_counseling_therapy_ann_arbor_michigan_christian_sex_and_love_addiction_help.png

The term “codependent” has been used often within addiction and the mental health world to describe someone whose identity or sense of self is wrapped up in another person.  But this term has had its fair share of misuse and controversy.

In addiction literature, “codependency” became synonymous with “co-addiction”.  Co-addiction suggests that the partner of an addict is addicted to the relationship with the addict, which enables the addict and allows him or her to continue their addictive behavior.  Labeling the partner as a co-addict gave them a disproportionate amount of blame for the addict’s choices.  It caused many partners to feel that their stories were invalidated.  Because of this, addiction literature has shifted to recognize partners’ experience in relationship with addicts as traumatic and avoid using labels such as codependent .

Unfortunately, this response neglects the reality of some people’s true experience of codependency.  Codependency can happen in the context of a relationship with an addict or not.  It can also happen with a child who is rebelling or making poor choices.  It could happen in friendships or work relationships.  It can happen in your church or other places you volunteer or give your time and energy.

What is codependency?

According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, a codependent person is “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”  He or she becomes overly involved and entangled in the lives of others, to the detriment of their own well being.  A codependent person often has high needs for affection and care with corresponding devastation when they feel they aren’t receiving them.

Codependent individuals lose themselves in others.  They misplace their identity and unique personality in the search to find another person to “complete” them.  Their relationships are often one-sided, as evidenced by a tendency to try everything to save relationships that are destructive.  Codependent people feel they can save others through their compassionate help and care, but are disappointed when their attempts to fix or “support” are met with resistance, and their well-being suffers as a result.

Pia Mellody, another clinician who writes on codependency in her book Facing Codependence: What it Is, Where it Comes From, How it Sabotages Our Lives, talks about failure to set appropriate boundaries as a hallmark of codependency.  You might see this as taking on too much responsibility for the well-being of others and feeling guilty when attempts to help fall through.  She shares insights into the origins of codependency in her book, indicating that often this stems from codependency in your family-of-origin.

A Codependency Quiz

Read through the questions below and answer yes or no to determine if you might struggle with codependency.

  • Do you tend to doubt yourself and feel insecure, even in areas where you have experience and know what you’re doing?

  • Do you struggle to say “no” to requests even when you don’t have the time or energy to carry them out?

  • Do you let people too close to you, only to feel betrayed when they disappoint or hurt you?

  • Do you find yourself pushing people away to protect yourself?

  • Do you have a hard time recognizing your own emotions or thoughts?

  • Do you struggle to identify your own needs?

  • Do you spend excessive amounts of time and energy on others at the expense of meeting your own needs?

  • Have others described you as “too needy” in relationships?

  • Do you have intense emotional reactions to conflict in your relationships?

  • In relationships, do you often feel that you are the only one making a sacrifice to meet your partner’s needs?

  • Do you find your personal worth or value in how others see you?

  • Are you constantly striving to prove yourself to others?

  • Do you tend to overanalyze and obsess over mistakes you’ve made in relationships?

  • Do you find yourself thinking, “if only this other person would change, everything in my life would be better?”

  • Do you feel a strong need to be loved, affirmed, and desired that causes problems in relationships?

  • Do you notice yourself using passive-aggressive statements to get your needs met?

  • Do you find yourself trying to “fix” others?

  • Do you have a hard time trusting others?

  • Do you struggle with intense outbursts of anger or irritability?

  • Do you feel ambivalence toward intimacy: a desire to be close to others, but also a fear of what it means to be close?

  • Do you try to make everyone else around you happy, even though you feel miserable?

  • Do you feel overcome with shame and/or guilt when someone offers you constructive feedback?

If you’ve answered five or more of these questions with “yes,” you may be dealing with codependent tendencies in your life.  Reach out to a licensed counselor to talk more about your responses and get help.

Resources for Codependency

In the meantime, you may be interested in learning more about codependency.  Here are a few books I’d recommend if you’re interested in learning more, seeing if you identify with any codependent tendencies, and beginning the process of healing.

pinterest_recognizing_codependency_a_codependency_quiz_restored_hope_counseling_therapy_ann_arbor_michigan_christian_sex_and_love_addiction_help.png

Learning to Be Yourself Again: A Review of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

title_learning_to_be_yourself_again_a_review_of_codependent_no_more_by_melody_beattie_restored_hope_counseling_therapy_ann_arbor_novi_christian_sex_and_love_addiction.png

If you’ve been the spouse, child, sibling, or in another connected relationship with an addict, you know the havoc it can wreak on your sense of self and peace.  It can affect your self-esteem and make you feel like you’re crazy or out of control.  You may begin to feel like your life is dictated by the addict’s using and your efforts to manage the aftermath of his or her addiction.

With sex and love addiction, particularly for spouses of the addicts, this takes its own unique toll.  Partners can feel responsible for their spouse’s behaviors because the issue is sexual.  Sometimes addicts will blame their spouses for “not getting it at home,” so they seek sex out elsewhere.  Even if the addict isn’t blaming the spouse, he or she may still deal with insecurity about body image, sexuality, worth, and value.  This can lead to behaviors that could be deemed codependent.

What is codependency?

Codependency, or co-addiction, is the name derived from early models of helping those married to addicts.  Codependency is a word that describes dysfunctional relationships where there is an over-dependence on another individual to provide you with security, safety, sense of self, or value.  It involves losing yourself in someone else.

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
— Melody Beattie

Unfortunately, in recent years, codependency has gotten a bad reputation. Spouses felt blamed or held responsible for their spouse’s acting out, as this communicated they had to change for their spouse to stop using. This does not sufficiently address the reality of the trauma caused by a significant other’s addiction.  While codependency may exist for some of these individuals, the pain of the trauma needs to be addressed and healed before looking at the possibility of codependency.

Codependency is still worth exploring, however, because it can shed light on how behaviors can change as a result of trauma.  Understanding codependency can help men and women feel empowered to change their lives through understanding the dynamics of control in a relationship.  In particular, if you find yourself in these types of relationships repeatedly, it is beneficial to take a look at some of these characteristics and see if you might benefit from a change.

Codependent No More

Melody Beattie, the author of the book Codependent No More*, began writing about codependency in 1986 when there were very few resources available to the public about codependency.  Her pioneering work in the study and treatment of codependence has paved the way for healing for many spouses and significant others of addicts.  This book and its corresponding workbook* have helped many men and women learn the skills they need to overcome codependency and learn the skills to take care of themselves. 

What I’ve Learned

You don’t need to define yourself as “codependent” or find yourself in an addictive relationship to benefit from the lessons of this book.  If you are in these types of relationships, however, or if you are a partner of a sex and love addict, then the following words will have particular resonance for you.

The only person you are in control of is yourself.

This is one of the hardest lessons to live by practically.  You know what’s best for others and you want to help them see what you see, but often that leads to controlling behaviors and obsessive thoughts.  Detach from the problems you aren’t in control over and allow yourself to focus only on those circumstances that are within your control.

“When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled.”
— Melody Beattie

Understanding your own emotions is key.

Often in codependency, you can become reactive and not always know what’s triggering your anger.  Understanding the variety of emotional experiences you are having can help you learn more adaptive ways of coping.  Know that your emotions are not bad in themselves: how you react to them can have negative consequences, but welcome your emotions as indicators that something is not right. Explore how your ability to name and feeling emotions has been impacted by past trauma, either from your family-of-origin or from your relationship with an addict or other dysfunctional individual.

Moving from victim to victorious empowers you to make the best choices for yourself.

Viewing oneself as a victim of circumstance or of the addict is often justified in some way, but it keeps you feeling trapped and hopeless rather than empowered to change.  You might feel paralysis because you don’t think you have the power to make decisions to take care of yourself.  In her book Moving Beyond Betrayal*, Vicki Tidwell Palmer identifies the importance of both communicating needs and setting boundaries to get your needs met.

“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to attend to our own affairs.”
— Melody Beattie

Notice when you’re feeling like a victim and/or your needs aren’t being met and explore that further.  What might be leading you to feel that way?  What ways might you be acting in a way that reinforces the message that you are a victim (ie. through rescuing or enabling)?  What are your needs?  Can you meet them on your own or do you need help?

Break the value-based messages of shame, being “good enough,” or faulty Christian teaching.

Codependent thoughts and behaviors can be intensified by feelings of shame.  Perhaps you learned lessons as a child that you were only valuable or given attention when you served others. It could be that denying your own needs and caregiving was how you demonstrated that you were a true Christian.  The Biblical truth of serving others may have been twisted such that you think you ought to accept abuse and harm without complaint because that’s the “Christian” thing to do.

Identify what messages of shame are driving your tendency to care more for others than for yourself, whether coming from your faith background or from family relationships.  Understand how those are influencing your present day and seek to affirm the reality of your value outside of what you can give to others.

Self-care is more than just a trend.

Beattie defines self-care as an attitude or perspective toward yourself and your life that reminds you that you are responsible for yourself and your own well-being.  It is a reminder that you cannot depend on the object of your obsession to take care of you perfectly and without fault.  Self-care involves kindness and grace toward yourself with corresponding loving actions.

Practice self-acceptance and remind yourself that you are okay in this present moment.  Identify your needs and set goals for self-care to learn that you are capable of making decisions to care for yourself.  Include fun and play in your self-care as you get to know the inner child within you that may have been harmed by past caregivers.  Exercise and take care of your physical health for the added mental health benefits.

Acceptance doesn’t mean settling.

pinterest_learning_to_be_yourself_again_a_review_of_codependent_no_more_by_melody_beattie_restored_hope_counseling_therapy_ann_arbor_novi_christian_sex_and_love_addiction.png

Practicing acceptance is a helpful add-on to releasing control of others.  When you acknowledge that you are the only person you can control, it requires you to admit that you are powerless over others’ behaviors.  But acceptance doesn’t mean you have to be okay with the way things are.  Instead, use acceptance to acknowledge the truth of where you are right now and assess the reality of what it will take to change.  Practicing acceptance is for you, not the other person, because it allows you to experience peace.  It may require moving through stages of grief before you can adequately feel acceptance.  Meet with a trusted friend or counselor to help you move through this grief to a place of acceptance.