How Understanding Attachment Can Drastically Improve Your Relationship: A Review of Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson

There are many theories and countless books about what makes relationships and marriages work.  Self-care and relationship sections at bookstores are filled with plenty of resources to offer marriage advice, not all of which is reliable or helpful.  But when all these tools coincide with increasing divorce rates, we are left wondering: how can couples make it through some of the worst moments of their relationship?

If you’ve been in a relationship with high levels of conflict, negative spirals you can’t seem to escape, and a sense of growing distance between you and your partner, the discouragement can feel overwhelming.  What’s the solution to these seemingly endless loops in which couples find themselves that propel them to consider divorce?

“To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Hold Me Tight

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson uses the lenses of attachment theory and neuroscience to explore how some couples overcome the destructive patterns in their relationship to forge a stronger connection.  She pulls together research from various studies on relationships that highlight the themes of attachment.  She then translates these concepts into seven practical conversations that help you explore the application of these concepts to your relationship.  They focus on how to turn challenging patterns of argument and conflict into opportunities to create connection and empathy.

This book is written for the everyday couple.  She explains clinical terms in a way that makes sense to someone who has never heard them before, and she uses frequent examples of couples going through challenges to illustrate the points she is making.  Counselors can also benefit from reading this book, however, as I know I was able to glean some practical tips and language that can help me guide my clients in their relationships. 

What I Appreciated

“Emotional Safety” and Other Terminology

Dr. Johnson’s use of terms like “emotional safety” take the heady, intellectual concepts of attachment and translate them into clear, relatable language.  Emotional safety is what we long for in relationships: the ability to know that our partner is Accessible (Are you there? Can I get to you?), Responsive (Can I depend on you to be there for me emotionally?) and Engaged (Am I valuable to you?  Will you maintain closeness with me?).  She teaches how to use what she coins A.R.E. conversations (based on accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement) to get at the heart of what is happening within connection and disconnection.

In fact, much of her language is descriptive and easy to remember.  For example, she uses “Demon Dialogues” to identify common patterns in faulty communication.  She introduces “Hold Me Tight” conversations, in which partners talk about their needs for emotional safety and connection that exist behind a conflict, inviting empathy and compassion.

Providing a Contrast to Cultural Messages

Frequently, Dr. Johnson contrasts our culture’s emphasis on independence and self-sufficiency with the reality of what makes couples work: mutual support, emotional bonding, and healthy meeting of emotional needs.  Often our culture decries weakness or dependency on anyone, encouraging us to stand on our own.  Even language surrounding codependency can swing toward this extreme of isolation through independence.  Her work in this book is meant to shift the narrative around healthy emotional support and depending on our spouses to meet emotional needs, particularly as larger social connections have been decreasing.

Conversations about Arguments and Hope

In the seven conversation topics Dr. Johnson proposes, she includes addressing arguments and conflict head-on, as they often carry the charge of longing for emotional connection behind them.  However, she doesn’t stop there.  The later conversations dig into such topics as improving daily moments of connection, creating rituals that reinforce your love, and improving your sexual relationship.  The earlier conversations around conflict and emotional needs lay the groundwork to make these later conversations go more smoothly.

“A desperate need for an emotional response that ends in blaming and a desperate fear of rejection and loss that ends in withdrawal – this was the scaffolding underneath these endless conflicts.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Pauses for Self-Reflection

As attachment and emotional safety are likely new concepts for you in your relationship, it makes sense that you might not know where to start in understanding your emotional needs.  Dr. Johnson leads you through personal reflection and helps you identify what she’s talking about, like your own personal raw spots based on past relationships with family or significant others.  The use of examples throughout can also help you self-reflect, as you identify what you relate to in their stories.

“Play and Practice”

In every chapter, there is at least one, if not several, practical application sections labeled “Play and Practice.”  These take the concepts Dr. Johnson talked about in the chapter and help you have a productive conversation with your partner about how they apply to your specific relationship.  These include such tools as fill-in-the-blank sentences that help you communicate with your partner about your reactions and emotional needs.  In particular, one section I appreciated near the end encouraged couples to write a summary story of the progress they’ve made in their relationship that serves as a narrative base to come back to when things start to get difficult or slip back into old patterns.

Addressing Trauma

She also included a chapter specifically targeting the challenging symptoms and disconnection that arises when trauma exists in your relationship.  I found this chapter especially helpful when thinking about addicts and betrayed partners who need to know that using these principles is still possible within their recovery from trauma.

She reminds the reader that we cannot stay isolated and disconnected in our trauma.  Instead, we need to let others, including our partners, into those dark places.  This can help make sense of the often confusing symptoms of PTSD that arise and create chaos within the relationship.

“If we cannot successfully connect with others, our struggles to cope with trauma become less effective, and our main resource, our love relationship, often begins to sink under its weight.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

How to Use This Book

If you are in a relationship where you find yourself arguing often, unable to get on the same page, feeling unsupported, or simply not understanding each other, this book might be a good place to start.  It is helpful if you don’t think you’re ready for couples counseling yet, but could use some support and growth within communication and connection.  Perhaps you and your significant other could read the book together and work through the Play and Practice sections to learn more about one another.  I believe this book can also be beneficial if you read it separately from your spouse, but the best outcome is more likely to come if you read it together.

If you are a couple in crisis, on the brink of divorce, or unable to have the type of in-depth conversation the book requires due to a buildup of past pain or a tendency to get lost in the “Demon Dialogues,” your first priority might be instead to seek out couples counseling.  If the principles of this book interest you, I’d recommend looking for a therapist who has training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), the model Dr. Johnson created based on her body of work.  You could also read this book as part of your therapy or on the side, but the best option is likely meeting with a quality couples therapist.

“We will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Empower Your Future

When you’ve recognized the impact of your partner’s sex and love addiction on your sense of self-worth, it can be a challenge to identify how to break out of that trap.  You may feel stuck or powerless to change.  Your emotional landscape or confusing thoughts may make it difficult for the truth about your inherent worth and value to sink in.

We built the foundation of understanding the impact of betrayal trauma on self-worth by evaluating symptoms in Part 1 and reviewing reminders of what is true in Part 2.  Understanding the truth about addiction and trauma may be reassuring intellectually. But understanding might not change the way you feel, which is a major component of insecurity around your self-worth.  Today, we’ll explore how these insights can influence your behaviors such that your feelings of confidence begin to grow.

Acting “as if” as a pathway out of low self-worth

If you believed that your worth was inherent and not based on what others think of you, how might that change the way you interact with others?  If you believed that it was impossible to be “enough” for the addiction, how might that influence the way you relate to your spouse?  How might that create space for more self-care and boundaries?  As you answer these questions, begin to experiment with taking different actions that fit those changes in beliefs. 

Here are a few examples of potential applications if you acted “as if” these statements were true:

Attend a 12 Step meeting or support group.

If you believe that you are worth spending time with, it makes sense for you to reach out for social support.  Finding a safe place to talk about your doubts and hear others’ stories helps you know that you are not alone.  Outside help will both validate you and challenge you when needed. 

Begin personal counseling.

When you come to realize that the only person you can control is yourself and that you are worth caring for, you will be more likely to seek out professional help on how to do that.  You have a right to receive support and care in the process of moving through the trauma. Seeking out specialized counseling is a way to honor that right.

Release the burden of perfectionism.

If you’ve coped with feelings of failure or insecurity in the past by trying to keep your life together and be perfect, you might find the same patterns surfacing in your betrayal trauma recovery. Remember that your worth is not defined by how much you accomplish, by your status, or by your achievements.  Know that your worth is inherent and allows yourself to take a rest or ask for help.

Put your own needs first by practicing self-care.

Practice kindness toward yourself by recognizing the impact of the trauma of discovery and honoring your needs as a result.  Treat yourself how you would treat a friend if they were going through something similar.  Recognize your needs that aren’t being met and seek out healthy ways to meet them.

For many, self-care can be challenging because it contradicts beliefs that encourage you to put others before yourself.  However, in this case, re-centering on meeting your personal needs is necessary so that you can come into a place of serving and loving your family, spouse, and others more holistically in the future.  You can’t serve others from an empty shell of yourself.  You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

Review your “bill of rights” and set healthy, supportive boundaries that affirm your worth.

In the fog that comes after discovery, you might be unclear about how to achieve a sense of safety and stability.  If you’re doubting your worth, you might not be aware of what you have the right to ask for to create a sense of safety in your marriage.  Resources like the “bill of rights” on Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s website, as well as her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, can help you identify what you have the right to ask for and begin to help you on the process of setting boundaries that honor your personal worth and value. 

Part of this process is recognizing legitimate rights related to your body. Acknowledging your right to say “no” to physical or sexual intimacy at any point and particularly in the early stages of recovery can honor your sexual self.

Explore your options.

Talk to your spouse about couples counseling or treatment, intensive opportunities, or other steps of support.  Seek out resources for legal and financial support if you are considering separating and want to pursue financial independence.  Read books and attend seminars on trauma and addiction to learn more about what you might be experiencing.  Seek out safe people in your life who can provide support and a listening ear.

Recognize your own patterns of denial.

Did you have a sense that something was off long before you discovered your spouse’s addiction?  Were there odd occurrences that you explained away or minimized because the thought that your partner might be an addict was too much to bear?  In a relationship without addiction, it makes sense to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  But when you discover addiction, rediscovering your intuition requires you to shift that pattern.

To better prepare yourself for future deception that may or may not occur, it is important to examine how your denial manifested itself: how did you explain away inconsistencies in behavior and words?  How have you taken on more of the blame for yourself rather than allowing the addict to own it? By exploring these thought patterns in yourself, you’ll begin to learn to trust your gut again. 

Connect the dots between past trauma and present-day emotional reactions.

Each betrayed partner has a different emotional response to the pain of the trauma.  These responses typically relate to your history: wounds from your family-of-origin, painful experiences in romantic relationships, or even trauma or abuse. 

Consider how the particular patterns of self-doubt you’re feeling are connected to insecurities that stem from your past.  Take the time to unearth longstanding patterns of self-talk that might be contributing to your lowered self-worth.  In this process, you may also uncover some dysfunctional patterns in relating that stem from your past experiences and begin to shift the way you connect with others.

Grieve the hurts without being consumed by them.

You will likely experience grief in waves that hit you for a time after the discovery of your partner’s addiction.  This grief can feel overwhelming and can lead you to a place of self-pity and hopelessness.  It can trigger shame and guilt and lead you further into doubting your self-worth. 

When you feel waves of grief threatening to overwhelm you, use that as an opportunity to acknowledge the reality of the circumstances that have contributed to the pain and redirect your attention to self-care and empowerment to change.  Accept the reality of what is outside of your control and commit to finding ways you can make changes that fit in alignment with your values. 

Recognize that sometimes doubt about self-worth masks the legitimate grief of finding out about the betrayal and having to make decisions about the future.  Staying in a place of self-doubt or shame can be a self-protective response, keeping you from having to face the hard realities of what comes next.

List your strengths.

Make a list of strengths you have which can uniquely help you to make it through this process of recovery.  If you have trouble writing a list, ask those in your support network, your family, or your friends to name strengths they see in you.  Take a strengths-based personality assessment to uncover which qualities of your personality will help you to get through this season.  Identify resources or strengths that you are growing and fostering to remind yourself that you have power to change what is within your control. 

Reintegrating Healthy Sexual Intimacy after Betrayal: A Review of The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy

Couples recovery from sex and love addiction can be a complex and lengthy process.  Even for those fully committed to the process of recovery, it can take between three to five years to uncover all that’s needed to heal a marriage.  The chaos and storm of staggered disclosures, broken trust, and faltering attempts at honesty can lead to confusion and overwhelm for both partners in the relationship.

Couples therapy requires participation and change by both members of the couple.  In the early stages of recovery, when the betrayed partner is reeling in pain and has often been manipulated, it doesn’t feel safe to make changes to support the relationship.  Individual healing work needs to be done first. Because of this, couples therapy is not recommended for most couples until each member of the couple is getting their own therapeutic support and a formal disclosure process has been completed.

The addict needs to get their individual pattern of addiction under control, and the partner needs space to process the pain of trauma that they experience.  They both need to establish support systems outside of the relationship in the form of 12 Step groups, sponsorship, support groups, and/or healthy friendships.  Boundaries need to be established and understood. Healing cannot happen in the marriage until there is a foundation of honesty, and formal disclosure is designed to create that foundation.

In some cases, couples therapy can begin earlier in the process of recovery.  Often this is when the couple needs to learn basic communication skills in order to navigate life together while going through this healing process.  Also, this can be helpful if the couple is pursuing a formal therapeutic separation and need guidance from a couples therapist on how to implement this logistically.

Let’s say you and your partner have been consistent in individual therapy, have strong social support, are committed to recovery-oriented behaviors, and have completed a formal disclosure.  Now what?  Many couples aren’t sure what to do once they’ve made significant progress in their individual recovery.  Deeper still, reintegrating or introducing healthy sexual intimacy can feel like a daunting task.  How can a couple recovering from sex and love addiction be intimate again?

Why A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy is Needed

In The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy, Bill and Ginger Bercaw give an answer to these “what next” questions.  They outline the sexual reintegration therapy (SRT) model that they’ve used consistently with recovering couples to help them achieve a level of intimacy in their relationships they hadn’t thought possible. 

The Bercaws’ approach helps to completely overhaul the experience of sexual intimacy in a recovering relationship.  Often, when sexual addiction was present, sexual experiences weren’t truly connecting or meaningful.  Physical and emotional intimacy are explored as integral parts of true sexual connection. 

Their book includes information about the SRT model and explorations of true healthy sexuality and its differences from addicted sex.  They also include a series of practical exercises (planned intimate experiences) that can be put into play by the couple, progressing gradually toward an entirely new vision of sexual intimacy.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw strongly recommend working with a CSAT couples therapist while going through this material, as much of what can arise emotionally and relationally needs space to be processed in a safe environment with trained professionals.  It is also important to maintain your individual therapy and support while walking through SRT, so you can have space to process what comes up for you individually as you begin to experiment with this new approach to intimacy.

Insights from the Book

The foundations upon which Bill and Ginger Bercaw lay their book form a series of important insights into the process of reintegrating healthy sexuality into a recovering marriage.

Healthy sexual intimacy is made possible by integrating physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of intimacy.

Broken trust and betrayal destroy all levels of intimacy. In particular, sexual intimacy is affected as often one or both partners are using it as a way to get something from the other, as opposed to truly connecting during the experience.  The book emphasizes the need to integrate all areas of intimacy through direct and open communication and conversations, especially as integrated in the planned intimate experiences (PIEs). 

Reprogramming sexual scripts is Essential.

Our culture’s view on sex influences our approach to intimacy. For example, we emphasize trying new things as a way to keep sexual experience interesting or “spice it up.”  This is intensified by the influence of sex and love addiction on your relationship, where the addict may see sex as a way to pursue novelty or seek the next “high.”  But these approaches are not truly connecting.  They are more focused on performance than they are on intimacy, and intimacy is the greater need.

Reviewing your own sexual history can reveal your expectations about sex.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw lead the reader to reflect on their own sexual experiences and influences on their sexuality as an exercise in self-understanding.  For example, if you have a history of sexual abuse, it likely affects messages about your body or your sexual experience.  Exposure to pornography can create distorted expectations about how sex ought to be.  A lack of sexual information, particularly in more rigid home environments, can lead to a lack of knowledge about sexual response and experience.  Even such influences as the media, peer groups, churches, and others can have an impact on sexuality. 

Early attachment relationships also have an influence on your experience of sexual intimacy in your marriage.  If you have an avoidant attachment style, you’re more likely to want to withdraw from conflict and therefore don’t talk about sexual issues.  If you are more of an anxiously attached person, sex might be a way that you confirm you are loved by someone.  If you grew up in a rigid family system, you might see sexual behavior as rebellious or a way to branch out from restrictions.

These influences need to be acknowledged and addressed before true sexual intimacy can be experienced.  You’re carrying around baggage from your past that has to be unpacked before you can enter into the relationship without expectations or judgment.  This is important as you will be able to come to know your own sexual self and your partner’s sexual self, which then creates a more intimate experience.

The end goal isn’t perfect technique or sexual experience, but expressing love and connection through being present to yourself and your partner.

An overemphasis on technique or an idealized sexual experience has probably already led you to disappointment and pain.  Instead, the Bercaws’ approach to intimacy takes emphasis off the final result, instead focusing on remaining present throughout the entire process of intimacy.  Every PIE exercise focuses on different depths of intimacy.  Many exercises in the progression occur outside the bedroom or with clothes on.  Several focus on creating more emotional and relational intimacy, which paves the way for connected sexual intimacy.

The importance isn’t to find the new sex technique that’s going to boost your pleasure (despite what some magazine covers may say) but instead to learn how to become fully present to yourself, your partner, and your experience during your intimate encounter.  

Safety and communication are necessary in personalizing your path.

For many betrayed partners, there is not a sufficient level of safety in the relationship to rush into intimacy.  The Bercaws’ PIE exercises are designed to help you grow closer, and they also encourage speaking up when you aren’t comfortable or when you need to change something.  They emphasize using talking and listening boundaries throughout their PIEs and reinforce that with an emphasis on healthy, functional boundaries, which they describe at length.

If you’re looking for additional support in understanding how you can grow in the area of sexual intimacy in your recovering marriage, Bill and Ginger Bercaw’s book and their method of sexual reintegration therapy offer useful and practical tools to revolutionize your relationship.

Creating Hope in Chaos: A Therapist's Guide to Thriving During the COVID-19 Crisis

The current upheaval to many of our daily lives as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak is something we as a society have never experienced before.  Every person is affected directly or indirectly, by stay-at-home orders, closures of stores and restaurants, financial shifts, and the spread of the illness.  It’s easy for those who do not typically struggle with anxiety or depression to feel the stress of this moment in the world.

This makes the call to care for our mental health that much more important.  But how can we do that when many of us are stuck at home?  Here are a few ideas that may help you not only to get through this crisis, but perhaps to begin to thrive in the midst of and as a result of it.  Engaging in items on this list can create opportunities to change the way you approach your life for the long-term.

Reducing Anxiety

Limit your media intake. The public health crisis is constantly changing.  Every news media outlet is producing massive amounts of coverage of anything and everything having to do with the coronavirus.  It makes sense that many of us would want to follow these updates through the news.  But this can easily turn into constantly checking headlines or social media, feeling our anxiety rise with the second.

Create a limit for yourself on how much time you’ll spend on social media, news websites, or even watching TV coverage of coronavirus.  Choose a certain time of day when you will check and set a boundary to limit how long you’ll read or watch.

Incorporate deep breathing and meditation practices. Breathing and meditation can be a helpful way to calm the panic response that surfaces with anxiety.  If you notice yourself experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, focus on taking a few deep breaths, allowing the air to move down into your abdomen.

Guided meditations, which can be found on YouTube or through various apps, can be helpful to direct your mind to focus on your breath.  Many of these resources offer options for children as well.  For example, many mobile guided meditation apps such as Headspace and Sanvello are offering free access to services during the crisis. 

Practice gratitude. One of the greatest protections against anxiety is to focus on appreciating what you currently have.  Spend time daily reflecting on areas of your life for which you can be grateful.  If this crisis has allowed you more time to spend with family or focusing on tasks at home, find thankfulness in that.  Begin a list or a gratitude journal that helps you consistently keep track of the positives in your circumstance. 

Self-Care

Go outside. Even if you are in a community that has required its citizens to stay at home during this crisis, those orders often allow for physical activity outside.  Use this extra time to go for a walk or run.  Take your kids out on a bike ride or walk around the neighborhood.  Play or relax in your yard together.  Spending time in nature offers a multitude of mental health benefits, so why not take advantage of those now?

Practice active rest. Much of the reaction I’ve seen from people who have the privilege of being able to work from home is to rejoice in the fact that they get to catch up on their Netflix queues.  While there’s nothing wrong with watching a good show from time to time, spending a whole day bingeing on TV can lead to feelings of guilt or lethargy.  You might not have done anything during the day, but you still feel exhausted, whether from staying up too late watching your shows or the strain of so much screen time.

Instead of doing those things that seem like rest but are actually draining, lean into habits that provide actual rest for you.  Allow yourself to sleep in or take a nap.  Read a good book.  Pray, spend time reading the Bible, or practice other spiritual self-care.  Spend lazy hours talking with your loved ones or playing board games.  Letting your mind and body catch up on rest from the frenzied pace of normal life can be an incredible blessing during this season.

Exercise. As mentioned earlier, walking or running outside is an easy way to get out of the house while still following guidelines for health and safety of others.  Get into the practice of taking a short walk daily.  If you’re used to a commute to work, “walking” to work by strolling around the block can be an easy way to set boundaries at the start and end of your work-from-home day. 

What if you usually go to the gym to get in your exercise?  Look for opportunities to do those same exercises from home.  Free videos on YouTube (like Yoga with Adriene) or subscription programs (like OpenFit) offer at-home workouts that you can do from the safety of your living room.

Social Connection

Call a loved one every day.  Just because we’re “social distancing” doesn’t mean that we have to cut off all connection with the people we love.  I was inspired by a recent blog post by Marnie Ferree to get out my phone and call one of my loved ones on a daily basis.  This can be a family member, friend, coworker, or other member of your community that can help you feel connected within the craziness. Reach out to someone you haven’t connected with for some time and catch up on how they’re doing, offering your empathy and support in response.

Write notes of encouragement. Have you ever received a handwritten note in the mail?  It can be heartwarming to receive words of encouragement.  Why not spread the love during this time with the extra minutes we may have in our day?  Write notes to medical professionals who need support, friends who you know are feeling financial strain, or just to maintain connection with those you love. 

Have a family game night or scavenger hunt. The busy pace of life can prevent families from being able to spend quality time together on a more regular basis.  This period of extended time at home creates an opportunity for family members who don’t often get to see one another to spend quality time together.  As tempting as it may be to all sit in front of your individual screens, coordinate an evening where you play a game together or create a scavenger hunt through the yard or neighborhood for different items.

Use technology creatively to connect.  Video messaging platforms have allowed people to continue to connect when they are thousands of miles apart, so of course they can be used to connect with people who are just down the street.  Have a coffee date with a friend by brewing your own cups and then sitting down to chat.  “Go out” for drinks with your friends virtually.  Play a cooperative game with friends on a video gaming console or with various apps that allow you to connect in different locations.

Volunteer or donate. As a follow-up to the gratitude practice, you  may find yourself recognizing how blessed you are in comparison with others.  Although it may seem like you can’t do much while you are cooped up at home, there are plenty of ways you can serve and bless those who are dealing with more difficult circumstances.  Many local charities are accepting financial or material donations to support those in need.  Hospitals and medical facilities are accepting donations of certain medical supplies.  Many food pantries are still open and collecting dry goods.  If you have extra disinfecting wipes, hand sanitizer, or even toilet paper to share, consider offering it to neighbors of yours who may not have those supplies.

Notice the Positive

Reflect on what you’re learning. Ask yourself what you may be learning or observing during this drastic change in circumstances.  Can this new perspective or knowledge impact the way you live your life in the future?  How might you want to change our daily habits as a result?  For instance, perhaps you’ve enjoyed having extended time with your household and want to make that a priority in the future.  Perhaps you’ve discovered a new hobby or interest that will shape how you spend your leisure time once this crisis has passed.  

Focus on others. Often, this goes hand-in-hand with the suggestion of volunteering time or donating supplies.  When you shift your gaze to others who are in need, you are more likely to feel grateful for what you have and relieved of anxiety.  Pray for those in your community specifically, and ask others who you might pray for them.  Identify ways you can love or bless the people in your community using a strategy listed above.

Search for acts of kindness. The moments that have floored me most throughout this crisis have been the acts of kindness I’ve witnessed that offer hope and joy to others in the midst of chaos.  Keep your eyes open for ways in which your community might be carrying out some of these gestures. Brainstorm ways you might be able to participate in those acts of kindness.  Search for lists of ideas or become inspired by news coverage of these choices people are making to bring hope. 

Recognizing Codependency: A Codependency Quiz

The term “codependent” has been used often within addiction and the mental health world to describe someone whose identity or sense of self is wrapped up in another person.  But this term has had its fair share of misuse and controversy.

In addiction literature, “codependency” became synonymous with “co-addiction”.  Co-addiction suggests that the partner of an addict is addicted to the relationship with the addict, which enables the addict and allows him or her to continue their addictive behavior.  Labeling the partner as a co-addict gave them a disproportionate amount of blame for the addict’s choices.  It caused many partners to feel that their stories were invalidated.  Because of this, addiction literature has shifted to recognize partners’ experience in relationship with addicts as traumatic and avoid using labels such as codependent .

Unfortunately, this response neglects the reality of some people’s true experience of codependency.  Codependency can happen in the context of a relationship with an addict or not.  It can also happen with a child who is rebelling or making poor choices.  It could happen in friendships or work relationships.  It can happen in your church or other places you volunteer or give your time and energy.

What is codependency?

According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, a codependent person is “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”  He or she becomes overly involved and entangled in the lives of others, to the detriment of their own well being.  A codependent person often has high needs for affection and care with corresponding devastation when they feel they aren’t receiving them.

Codependent individuals lose themselves in others.  They misplace their identity and unique personality in the search to find another person to “complete” them.  Their relationships are often one-sided, as evidenced by a tendency to try everything to save relationships that are destructive.  Codependent people feel they can save others through their compassionate help and care, but are disappointed when their attempts to fix or “support” are met with resistance, and their well-being suffers as a result.

Pia Mellody, another clinician who writes on codependency in her book Facing Codependence: What it Is, Where it Comes From, How it Sabotages Our Lives, talks about failure to set appropriate boundaries as a hallmark of codependency.  You might see this as taking on too much responsibility for the well-being of others and feeling guilty when attempts to help fall through.  She shares insights into the origins of codependency in her book, indicating that often this stems from codependency in your family-of-origin.

A Codependency Quiz

Read through the questions below and answer yes or no to determine if you might struggle with codependency.

• Do you tend to doubt yourself and feel insecure, even in areas where you have experience and know what you’re doing?

• Do you struggle to say “no” to requests even when you don’t have the time or energy to carry them out?

• Do you let people too close to you, only to feel betrayed when they disappoint or hurt you?

• Do you find yourself pushing people away to protect yourself?

• Do you have a hard time recognizing your own emotions or thoughts?

• Do you struggle to identify your own needs?

• Do you spend excessive amounts of time and energy on others at the expense of meeting your own needs?

• Have others described you as “too needy” in relationships?

• Do you have intense emotional reactions to conflict in your relationships?

• In relationships, do you often feel that you are the only one making a sacrifice to meet your partner’s needs?

• Do you find your personal worth or value in how others see you?

• Are you constantly striving to prove yourself to others?

• Do you tend to overanalyze and obsess over mistakes you’ve made in relationships?

• Do you find yourself thinking, “if only this other person would change, everything in my life would be better?”

• Do you feel a strong need to be loved, affirmed, and desired that causes problems in relationships?

• Do you notice yourself using passive-aggressive statements to get your needs met?

• Do you find yourself trying to “fix” others?

• Do you have a hard time trusting others?

• Do you struggle with intense outbursts of anger or irritability?

• Do you feel ambivalence toward intimacy: a desire to be close to others, but also a fear of what it means to be close?

• Do you try to make everyone else around you happy, even though you feel miserable?

• Do you feel overcome with shame and/or guilt when someone offers you constructive feedback?

If you’ve answered five or more of these questions with “yes,” you may be dealing with codependent tendencies in your life.  Reach out to a licensed counselor to talk more about your responses and get help.

Resources for Codependency

In the meantime, you may be interested in learning more about codependency.  Here are a few books I’d recommend if you’re interested in learning more, seeing if you identify with any codependent tendencies, and beginning the process of healing.

• Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody (also has a workbook)

• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie (also has a workbook)

• The Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody

• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

• Conquering Codependency: A Christ-Centered 12-Step Process by Pat Springle

The Key to Satisfying Relationships: Understanding Your Adult Attachment Style

How do you experience relationships?  Are you confident in your connection with others and able to relate easily?  Do you long for the perfect relationship, but feel dissatisfied once you’re in one and struggle to get out?  Do you feel terrified of being alone or abandoned, and will do whatever it takes to keep your loved ones close, even if it means sacrificing part of who you are?

Whether or not you’ve experienced these yourself, you probably know someone else who has. These patterns in relationships can create despair, hopelessness, or distress.  Often, these patterns are rooted in the theory of adult attachment styles.

What is attachment?

Attachment is an individual’s beliefs about his or her safety, security, and protection in relation to others, formed by early interactions between child and caregiver.  Attachment theory is based on the research of John Bowlby, who was curious about the distress infants showed when separated from their caregivers.  He believed that children use these behaviors in order to get their caregiver’s attention and essentially ask their caregiver, “Can I trust you to respond?  Will you take care of my needs?”  The response of the caregiver forms the foundation of the child’s attachment style.

Building on Bowlby’s research, Mary Ainsworth put this theory into the research lab.  She created the “strange situation,” an environment where a child was brought by their caregiver into a playroom where another adult was present.  The caregiver would leave for a short time and then return.  Researchers observed the response of the infant when the parent left, while the parent was outside the room, and upon the return of the parent.

She observed four different responses in children.  Securely attached children were upset when their caregiver left, but comforted by their return.  This was the most common response (60% of children) and indicated that the caregivers were responsive to the needs of the child.

Insecurely attached children were impacted by lack of responsiveness or inconsistent responses from their caregivers.  They took one of three forms:

• Insecure-resistant attachment – These children showed high levels of distress when their caregiver left.  They were unable to be soothed upon reuniting with their caregiver, almost as if they were “punishing” the caregiver for leaving.

• Insecure-avoidant attachment – These children weren’t distressed by their caregiver leaving and ignored their caregiver upon re-entry, often choosing to continue playing rather than engaging with their caregiver.

• Insecure-disorganized attachment – These children demonstrated an unpredictable response that could not be categorized.  These responses were more commonly correlated with childhood abuse.

Adult Attachment Styles

Later on, researchers Hazan and Shaver extended these findings into adulthood.  They concluded that attachment styles in childhood affected the way adults experienced intimacy and connection in romantic relationships. 

For example, if you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you learned at a young age that important people will not respond appropriately to your needs.  As an adult, you may find yourself in similar relationships that confirm the belief formed early on that you cannot depend on others to meet your needs, or that you are unlovable and aren’t deserving of love or care.  Unfortunately, you can then become trapped in a cycle of relationships where you expect this belief to be true, and (in self-fulfilling prophecy) reaffirm the belief.

Read the descriptions below about adult attachment styles and pay attention to if you relate to any one of them, or if you know someone who does.  You can also take this assessment online to discover your attachment style. 

Secure attachment

These individuals are confident in themselves and in their ability to be loved and cared for by those close to them.  This doesn’t mean that they are always without insecurity – in fact, it is normal for anyone to have some level of hesitation in these areas.  However, at their core, secure individuals believe they are worthy of love and trust that their loved ones will respond to their needs.  They are willing to both depend on others and can also be depended upon by others.

In relationships, securely attached individuals are interdependent.  They can separate from their partner, have their own interests, and encourage their significant other’s interests.  But they can also come back to their relationship feeling connected, loved, and supported with their partner.  They both seek and provide support to their partners, and therefore are the most satisfied.  They tend to have honesty and equality in their relationships.

Anxious (preoccupied) attachment

Anxiously attached individuals long to be loved and worry consistently that they are not.  They become frustrated and angry when their attachment needs aren’t met in their primary relationships, and will attempt to create intimacy when they are feeling this way. Sadly, this often backfires. 

In relationships, anxiously attached individuals are over-dependent. They believe their partner will “complete” them.  They hold to the fantasy that finding a significant other to love them will solve their problems and make their lives better.  This isn’t real love, but an obsession fueled by fantasy.  Rushing into relationships, these individuals don’t allow enough time to build real trust, but instead create a false sense of security with their partner   Love addicts tend to fall into this category.  They desire to be very close, cling to their partners for safety and security, and crave reassurance that they are loved.  Unfortunately, this often causes their partners to withdraw, creating a vicious cycle that reaffirms their beliefs in their own flawed nature and inability to be loved.

Avoidant (dismissing-avoidant) attachment

Those with avoidant attachment styles struggle with the intimacy required for close relationships, preferring to be on their own without any others depending on them.  They dismiss the need for close relationships, having used that behavior to cope with early childhood experiences where they were responsible for caregivers’ emotional needs and learned to deny or shut down their own as a result.  In fact, shutting down emotionally became an adaptive way of protecting themselves.

In relationships, these individuals prefer to be independent, creating emotional distance between themselves and their partners, often as a way to protect against smothering or feeling consumed by their partner.  They learned that the way to get their needs met is to pretend to have no needs.  This can easily detach from relationships because of lack of consideration for their importance.  Sex addiction is more common in these individuals.

Fearful-avoidant attachment

Fearful-avoidant individuals have a strong sense of ambivalence about their relationships, switching between feeling anxious about losing their loved one and avoidance of emotional closeness.  They have difficulty managing their overwhelming emotions.  You might see this type as chaotic and unpredictable, and even they feel confused by the near-constant attempts to balance just the right amount of closeness with someone. 

Often this stems from a caregiver who was too close, enmeshed, or smothering with the child.  They desired to go to their caregivers to get their needs met, but may have received a negative response when they reached out. In relationships, fearful-avoidant individuals exist on a roller-coaster of drama and intensity.  They are both fearful of being abandoned and fearful of experiencing true intimacy with another person. 

Adult Attachment Styles in Relationships

As mentioned earlier, it is common for anxious and avoidant individuals to be drawn to one another and create a cycle of disappointment.  In some ways, being with a partner that reinforces childhood beliefs about the dependability of a caregiver feels familiar and therefore attractive.  While it is better for both to build a relationship with a securely attached individual, those relationships often contain less intensity, which both the anxious and avoidant crave.

Fortunately, your adult attachment style is not a permanent death sentence for your love life.  Understanding your natural tendency in attachment helps you to be aware of it when going into relationships.  It can also be changed by “learned” attachment with corrective experiences in your romantic relationship and/or friendships, relationships in therapy, and other important people in your life.  Being close to a responsive and kind individual can go a long way toward changing the dynamics of insecure attachment in adulthood.

Additional Resources

If you’re interested in learning more about attachment theory, check out these resources:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller

• Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy

Self-Care for When You Don't Have Time for Self-Care

Life is busy.  Whether you feel like a taxi driver for your children’s after-school activities, you’re working long hours at the office, you’re raising a newborn, or maybe all of the above, free time can be hard to come by. 

So when someone suggests that you take time for self-care, no wonder you laugh and say, “when do I have time for that?” 

Practicing self-care is an important part of taking care of your mental and physical health.  In particular, if you struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma, addiction, or other mental health issues, self-care is an essential part of healing. Even if you see the need for self-care in your life, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have the time to make it happen.

Perhaps it’s an issue of cost.  Trendy “self-care” tells you to go get a massage, take a vacation, or otherwise spend exorbitant amounts of money with the promise of “relaxation and rejuvenation.”  For most people, this isn’t practical or realistic. While sometimes you might want to “treat yo’ self,” for the most part you can do good quality self-care for free.

Maybe you’re over the trend of self-care justifying selfish and self-centered behaviors.  I get that.  It’s not meant to be “I do what I want” or “I do what feels good” all the time.  True quality self-care Is not designed to replace loving other people and being the best parent, friend, spouse, partner, child, employee, or person you can be.  It’s meant to prep you to fill those roles well without burning out.

Self-care involves physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational health.  Sometimes self-care feels exactly like what you don’t want to do, but it’s what will be good for you in the long-term.  Think of it like training for a marathon: you may hate going on those longer runs, but you know in the long term your training will help you prepare your body for the race ahead of you.

How to Make Self-Care Work for You

Check your thoughts about self care.  If you’re looking at it as if it’s selfish or wrong, you won’t be able to benefit from it, instead getting distracted by feelings of guilt.  Reframe self-care as something you’re doing to take care of your mental health and better fill the roles in your life.  See self-care as a discipline, something you consciously consider.  Work it into your routine, like taking a vitamin. 

When you’re short on time, get creative about how you do self-care.  In a recent training I completed on compassion fatigue, the trainer talked extensively about a concept she calls “flexi-self-care.”  This type of self-care takes advantage of small bits of time you have throughout your day where you can pause for a moment and do something nurturing.  Identify for yourself ways to practice self-care that take as little as 1 minute and make a practice of trying these things lately.

Take a look at some of these examples of self-care on a time budget.

1 minute of self-care

• Take three long, slow, deep abdominal breaths. (It can help to place a hand on your abdomen to feel it rising and falling.)

• Do a yoga pose.

• Give a loved one a hug.

• Feel your feet flat on the ground, supported by the earth beneath them.

• Read a favorite quotation, affirmation, mantra, or Scripture verse.

• Look out a window and observe what’s happening outside.

• Identify what emotion you’re feeling currently and where you feel it in your body.

• Squeeze a stress ball.

• Look at a picture of a loved one. 

5 minutes of self-care

• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise: name and describe 5 things you see, 4 things you feel without moving, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell or like the smell of, and 1 thing you taste or like the taste of.

• Write a list of 10 things you are grateful for.

• Send a text to a friend.

• Stretch out sore muscles. 

• Four-square breathing: breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts.  Repeat 10 times.

• Complete one small item on a to-do list (ie. making a phone call, responding to an email, scheduling an appointment).

• Visualize a place that feels calm and peaceful and enjoy the sensations associated with it.

• Open a window and take a few deep breaths of fresh air.

• Drink a glass of water.

• Listen to your favorite song.

• Light a candle and watch the flame.

• Play with a pet.

• People-watch.

10 minutes of self-care

• Do a 10 minute YouTube workout. (I like this playlist from Yoga with Adriene.)

• Eat a healthy snack.

• Write in a journal.

• Put on a dance music playlist and dance around your space.

• Clean out your email inbox.

• Tidy a space in your home.

• Watch a YouTube tutorial for an activity you’re interested in learning.

• Work on a crossword puzzle or a word search.

• Play catch with a dog or child (or even with a wall!)

• Do a Headspace meditation.

• Watch a video that makes you laugh.

• Pray.

• Read a magazine article. 

20 minutes of self-care

• Go for a brisk walk outside.

• Read a chapter in a book.

• Listen to a podcast, lecture, or sermon about a topic that interests you.

• Call a friend, family member, or significant other on the phone to chat.

• Work on a craft project, draw, or paint.

• Write a thank-you note to someone.

• Make yourself a cup of tea or coffee and sip it slowly.

• Take a hot shower.

• Play a musical instrument.

• Clean a room in your home or your desk at work.

• Create a photo collage of images that help you feel loved, inspired, or that bring you joy.

Take these lists and make them your own.  Pay attention to how long it takes you to do these activities: you  may find that prayer can be as short as 1 minute, or your one yoga pose develops into a 10-minute yoga practice.  Be willing to be creative and try out some of these tools to make self-care something you can do every day, not just as a special treat.

One Simple Phrase to Change How You Prepare for Marriage

Have you ever been to see the ocean?  Walked out into the salt water and felt the waves pushing against you? 

Growing up in Michigan, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to go to lakes nearby.  Because of that, I’ve only been to the ocean a few times.  I’m always struck by the size of the waves and the force of the current, so much so that I’ve avoided going in the water higher than my waist.

I can see how dangerous the ocean is when swimmers get caught in the undertow of the waves.  One second they’re swimming and having fun.  The next moment, the sea is sweeping them further and further out, and they’re struggling to swim back against the current.  

You might ask: what does this have to do with marriage?

Amidst all the wedding planning that comes with engagement, preparation for the marriage itself often isn’t as high of a priority.  Premarital counseling classes are commonly offered at churches, but often they are teaching general principles on managing the household and finances, or they’re a prerequisite for using a church venue.

Instead of preparation for the realities of marriage, there are plenty of messages distorted by our culture’s obsession with romance that lead to expectations of perfection from your partner and a “happily ever after” story.  We expect that our spouses will fulfill our every need, sex will be easy and fun, and we’ll never have serious arguments.  These faulty expectations set us up for disappointment.

How do you protect yourself against that possibility?  How do you prepare for this? By reminding yourself of this:

Marriage will be hard. 

I believe this one small phrase, if both partners walk into marriage believing it, can create a buffer against the difficulties that will come.  It doesn’t mean that it’ll reduce how often you fight or feel hurt.  Instead, the acceptance of this truth and the willingness to look it full in the face helps to prepare you for the inevitable arguments, loneliness, and disappointment you will face.

Let’s go back to the ocean for a moment.  Imagine yourself standing in the water and facing the horizon.  You’re able to see the waves coming.  When a massive one crests and falls over you, you’ll brace your body in preparation for the impact.  You might lose your footing for a moment, but you’ve already set up a foundation that won’t be hard to re-establish.

Now imagine that you have your back to the waves and you’re looking at the shoreline.  You have no idea the wave is coming: you’re completely blind to it.  How much harder do you think that wave will hit you?  It will knock you off your feet, pull you under, and take much more effort to stand up again.  The wave may be large and powerful enough to pull you back into the undertow, making it feel impossible to make it back to shore.

In his book The Meaning of Marriage*, Timothy Keller warns against the faulty view of marriage in our culture, saying we expect too much from marriage.  In the search for a spouse, we’re looking for the perfect person who fits all of our lengthy list of requirements and expectations.  One flaw immediately rules a potential mate out.

Once married, couples may see the purpose of marriage as satisfying our personal desires and needs, rather than seeking the best for the other person.  Often our distorted beliefs lead to expectations that our partner will make us complete.  We think marriage is the relationship that provides ultimate satisfaction.  And when we are disappointed by our spouses, we blame them instead of acknowledging that our own faulty expectations set ourselves and our partners up for failure.

At the same time, Keller says we expect too little from marriage.  But how can that be? 

Marriage has the potential to be the most significant, life-altering, and rewarding relationship you have.

I’m sure you know couples who have walked through the difficulties of marriage and come out bitter, resentful, and angry at their spouses for disappointing them.  But facing these difficulties with openness to change will impact you if you let them. 

You will have to learn new ways to see the world through your partner’s eyes.  You will have to work at the aspects of marriage that do not come easy to you.  Just as you are likely not the same person you were 10 years ago, Tim Keller acknowledges that your spouse will change over time, and you need to be ready to get to know these new aspects of who they are.

Being aware of both the difficulty of being married as well as the potential for growth prepares you well for the reality of marriage.  It allows you to look with a far-reaching view at the waves that are coming into shore and prepare for the impacts that will come.   They will still be painful, but being prepared and accepting the reality that your marriage will be hard will help you move through those difficulties and grow closer as a result.

How to Set Boundaries That Work in Your Family

The holiday season has just passed, and you’ve likely experienced ups and downs throughout the weeks leading up to Christmas.  Perhaps your Christmas celebration looks just like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  But maybe (like most people) there’s at least a little family drama that always unfolds around the holidays.  As you reflect on your interactions with family, in-laws, or even friends this past holiday season, you may see some patterns of dysfunction in the ways in which you relate.

It might be time to start looking at some boundaries.

How do we define boundaries? Imagine sheep surrounded by a white picket fence on a spring afternoon.  (Makes you wish it were warmer outside, doesn’t it?)  This fence provides a physical boundary between the sheep and the outside world.  If there were a huge hole in the fence, or worse yet, no fence at all, the sheep would be vulnerable to attack from wolves or other animals that think a little mutton would make a tasty lunch.

At the same time, this fence has to let the sheep in and out of the pen.  If the sheep aren’t able to leave their pen, they will eventually eat all of the grass in their enclosure and starve.  They need to be able to leave the pen to get the nutrients they need.

Basically, boundaries keep the bad things out while still allowing good things in.  In relationships, boundaries allow us to take control over our own actions and feelings, and leave the responsibility for others’ actions and feelings to themselves.  Boundaries keep us safe, and rather than distancing us from others, they allow us to more freedom to connect with others.

How do you know you might need boundaries?

Check in with yourself and your emotions.  Common emotional responses to a lack of boundaries include feeling taken advantage of, resentment, discomfort, pressure, or trapped.  If you find yourself saying “yes” to everything even when it means taking on extra stress or tasks you don’t have time to do, you might need to look at your boundaries.  Feelings of being guilt-tripped by relatives that force you to comply even when you don’t want to can be another indicator of a need for boundaries.  Maybe you constantly find yourself bailing one of your relatives out of trouble they’ve gotten themselves in, and you feel annoyed with them as a result.

It is normal to realize you need better boundaries, especially if you come from a family where boundaries were not taught or enforced.  It could be that your family communicates with passive aggressive undertones, which influences your behavior without directly communicating a need.  You also might have felt a vague sense of unrest with your family, but you’ve so long accepted this style of relating as “normal” that you wouldn’t think to set boundaries unless someone else suggested it.

How do I start to implement these boundaries in my family?

Pay attention to your emotions.

As mentioned above, if you feel trapped, hopeless, and annoyed with others, that might be a sign that you’re in need of establishing some boundaries.   Notice the relatives who inspire a vague sense of guilt in you every time you speak with them.  To practice boundaries within yourself, take ownership of your own emotional response rather than blaming them with a “They made me feel this way.”  Instead, take responsibility for how you feel and make informed choices about what boundaries you need to set in order to control that response in yourself.

Begin to say “no.”

For every “yes” you say, you are also saying “no” to something else, even if you don’t realize it.  If you say “yes” to the extra project at work that leads to long hours, you’re saying “no” to time spent with your spouse and children.  If you say “yes” to helping your family with a last minute Christmas project, you say “no” to getting enough sleep to be functional during your work meetings the next day.  Incorporate the word “no” into your vocabulary.  Practice saying it aloud in front of a mirror.  Rehearse it with a trusted friend.

Ask yourself the question: “what do I want?”

Slow down and ask yourself what you would like to see change in your relationships.  Imagine that you could wave a magic wand and make everything the way you want it to be.  What would change?  Once you realize what you want, you can make changes in your boundaries to relate to others in a way that benefits both of you.

Set physical, mental, and emotional boundaries.

Let’s say you make an emotional boundary to remind yourself about your success and happiness in life when that pesky aunt always implies that you’ve not really achieved anything until you’re married with kids.  That may be helpful for a time, but if she makes those comments every time you are together, you may eventually need to start setting a physical boundary of spending less time with her.  Looking at the aspects of physical, mental, and emotional boundaries comprehensively helps you to address all fronts where those boundary violations can happen.

Identify consequences that will play out if the boundary is violated.

In order to make sure that you set boundaries that others will respect, the boundary needs to come with an appropriate consequence when it is violated.  For example, let’s say every time you get together with your sister over the holidays, she constantly compares how much she’s spending on gifts with you.  You may set a boundary with her that you don’t talk about money while you’re shopping, and the corresponding consequence could be that you won’t shop with her if it continues. 

Communicate your boundaries clearly and stick to them.

Once you have an idea of what you need to feel comfortable and safe in relationship, communicate your boundary.  Use “I statements” that describe how you feel, rather than accusing the family member of doing something wrong, which may cause them to become defensive.  Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Imagine that they do not know how you feel, and by directly communicating this boundary, you are giving them the opportunity to respond in love.  Once you set this boundary and communicate the consequence if it is violated, be sure to enforce the boundary and consequences.

If you don’t follow through on a boundary, examine why.

It is inevitable that we’ll find ourselves slipping on our boundaries every once in a while.  It may be that circumstances change and therefore the boundary has to change too, or that we didn’t realize we needed to establish a boundary in a certain area until after we’re triggered.  When this takes place, give yourself grace and use it as a learning opportunity.  Identify what went wrong this time around and put a plan in place to be able to enforce that boundary in the future.  See it as a practice – even starting to do some work on boundaries will increase our feelings of confidence over time.

Expect and prepare for a negative response.

When you first set a boundary, it is extremely common to get a negative response.  Humans are resistant to change, and especially if you’re attempting to shift a dysfunctional relational pattern, that can stir up extra backlash.  When this happens, practice a grounding exercise.  Choose not to engage in an argument or be convinced out of enforcing your boundary.  Instead, remind yourself of why you’re doing what you’re doing and follow through in the ways you need.

Self-Care Saturdays: An Attitude of Gratitude

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

Why is it that November is the only month of the year that we place an emphasis on being thankful or grateful?  Practicing authentic gratitude throughout the year can have a profound effect on your mental health and well-being.  

A regular practice of gratitude has been shown to inspire health benefits including increased exercise, optimism, and reduced physical pain.  Gratitude is a practice that has a multitude of mental health benefits, such as better sleep, reduced depression, and reduced stress.  Studies by the National Institute of Health indicate that gratitude can increase dopamine in your brain, which serves as a “reward” hormone to make you feel good.

Gratitude also has spiritual benefits.  When we thank God for the gifts He has given us, we are then better able to receive those gifts with gratitude rather than continuing to demand more.  Psalm 23:1 says, “The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need.”  Meditating on this verse helps me to be aware of all the needs I have that are being met, rather than comparing my current status with what I wish I had.

Oftentimes, if we struggle with depression or anxiety, gratitude isn’t our first response.  Instead, we face hopelessness about our life circumstances.  We can have a thought pattern of only seeing the negative in our lives, without taking the time or energy to appreciate the good things we experience.  I personally can tend to default to a more “glass half empty” frame of mind.

But what if, instead of only looking at the bad, we chose to see all the good in our lives?  Have you heard of the difference between the “scarcity mentality” and the “abundance mentality”? The scarcity mentality says, “I’ll never have enough/what I want,” while the abundance mentality comes from the perspective of “I have all that I need.”  How might it feel if you chose gratitude for the abundance in your life rather than focusing on things you lack? 

Here are some ways you can practice gratitude in your daily life. 

Keep a gratitude journal.

Each night before bed, or each morning when you wake up, take some time to write out a list of things you are grateful for in a journal designated for just that purpose.  You could take Ann Voskamp’s approach and write a list of three different things you’re grateful for on a daily basis, culminating in over 1000 different things to be grateful for in one year.  In the past, I’ve combined this practice with the practice of an examen to reflect on my day and the good and bad that happened throughout.  Looking back over this journal, it is easy to see how full our lives are of good things, and to experience joy at the gifts we have. 

Practice gratitude in your relationships.

We often become so accustomed to loved ones in our lives that we begin to lose sight of the ways they love or serve us.  This is a particular problem in marriages, where the praise and appreciation that are so prevalent at first tend to taper as you spend more and more time together.  Sit down with your partner or with a close friend today and share with them ways that you are grateful for who they are and what influence they’ve had on your life.

Sit in nature and write lists of all the things you see around you for which you are thankful.

Have you ever watched the TV show Planet Earth?  Whenever I flip on an episode of this or any other nature show, I'm fascinated by the creatures and landscapes that exist in this world and their beauty.  When we take the time to sit outside and look at the world around us (even in the winter!), we can connect with a world that is much bigger than we are.  We can also experience more peace and calm as a result.

Pray.

At times in the past, my gratitude journal has taken the form of a prayer journal, where I spend time thanking God for the blessings in my life.  Whether this takes the form of a nightly ritual or an extended conversation with God, it can be a refreshing and renewing practice for my faith and to remind myself that God has provided all that I need.  Sometimes combining prayer with a walk can be helpful, as it allows space to be in nature as well.  Another area we can practice gratitude in prayer is paying attention to answered prayers: what have you been praying for where God has provided an answer? 

Write a thank-you note!

We’re taught as children to write thank you notes for the gifts we get at parties, and we often continue that practice with other special events in our lives, like weddings and baby showers.  While this custom tied to formal events can feel rote and like a chore, what would it feel like for you to write a thank you note to a friend…just because?  Try sending a thank-you card to a friend or family member for no reason other than to practice gratitude for the ways they’ve been present in your life.

Stop comparing yourself to others!

This is a big one, and I can often be the #1 culprit.  When we compare ourselves to others, even if we do so in order to view ourselves more favorably, that is not gratitude.  In fact, when we do it, it often leaves us with kind of an icky feeling.  Gratitude is about finding the things that are positive in your own life, without comparing to anyone else.

What step will you take this week to practice gratitude in your life?