How to Use In-the-Moment Mindfulness to Cope with Distressing Situations

Imagine you’re called into your boss’s office for a meeting about your performance at work.  How are you feeling before that meeting takes place?  What about while you’re in the office sitting across from him or her? 

How about when your spouse says those fateful words to you: “we need to talk.”  What’s going through your mind?  Do you feel dread in the pit of your stomach?  Resentment bubbling up internally about whatever they’re about to say?

Or maybe you’ve had to sit down with your child’s teacher to discuss their misbehavior at school.  Do you immediately jump to anger and defend your child?  Are you feeling shame about yourself as a parent?

We all have moments when we are caught off guard by relational tension, trauma triggers, marital strife, or unpredictable circumstances.  These events can stir up strong emotions that interfere with your ability to remain present and connected to yourself and the people around you.

You might get caught up in a shame spiral, lost in a cloud of your own insecurity and negative, self-critical thoughts.  Anxiety may take over and leave you feeling wired and on edge, interfering with your ability to hear what the other person is saying.  You can feel rage or anger toward the person with whom you’re engaging, leading to impulsive outbursts that you later regret.   

How can you cope with these intense emotional responses without letting them overwhelm you and derail the interaction?

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be a helpful tool as you seek to soothe your anxiety, calm your fears, or reduce the intensity of your anger.  A simple definition of mindfulness is observing your current experience of emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and circumstances without judgment.

The “without judgment” quality is important, as judgments we make about our circumstances are often what intensify our negative emotional response.  To judge something is to see it as either good or bad.  For example, you might feel intense shame after a teacher talks with you about your child’s behavior because you feel like a bad parent.  Or you may be fuming at your boss because you think he or she is treating you unfairly in comparison with others in the company. 

Grounding strategies are a crucial part of mindfulness, as they create an access point to move you into more present awareness.  A grounding strategy uses physical sensations and sensory information to connect yourself to the present moment.  It involves tuning in to what is happening in the present as opposed to what has happened in the past or what you worry will happen in the future.

Ideally, daily mindfulness practice can set you up for success in these more distressing moments.  Practicing regular breathing strategies and sensory awareness allows for this response to come up more organically in your daily life.  But what happens when you’re in the middle of a conversation, work meeting, or parent-teacher conference when the distress hits?  What do you do when you don’t have time to take five or ten minutes away to do a more involved mindfulness exercise?

In-the-Moment Mindfulness and Grounding

These distressing situations provide an opportunity to adapt bigger-picture mindfulness skills you use elsewhere to keep you calm and engaged in the middle of challenging circumstances.  Using dual attention to focus on both what’s happening in front of you and your internal experience can be a game-changer in reducing your level of distress and emotional outbursts in stressful situations.

Use radical acceptance to limit judgment.

As mentioned earlier, the judgments and comparisons we make about our circumstances are typically what most contribute to our negative reactions.  Often, those judgments occur when we are powerless to change a situation.  The concept of radical acceptance teaches us to accept what we cannot change in the present moment, knowing that we can survive it.  Statements like “I can get through this” or “I’m strong enough to handle this” remind us that our current situation is temporary and make it easier not to judge based on the moment. 

Notice the points of contact between your body and the surfaces around you.

Using this technique to connect with your sense of touch can help ground you in the present. If you’re sitting in a chair, notice your back against the seat and your feet upon the ground.  If you’re standing, feel the ground under your feet.  Observe the feel of your clothing as it rests on your body. 

Tune in and slow your breathing.

Typically when distress, anxiety, or anger hits, your breathing will speed up and get shallow.  Notice your breath and whether you can feel your chest rising and falling (a typical signal of shallow breathing).  Intentionally slow down your breath and focus on breathing into your lower abdomen.  Counting your breaths can be helpful here, as it can give your mind a point of focus.  You could also use a breath ratio like four-square breathing (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts) or a 4-2-6 breath ratio (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts, breathe out for 6 counts), if you are able to focus on counting while staying engaged.

Briefly scan through your body.

Another way to connect to yourself in the present is to complete a quick body scan.  Beginning at your feet, move awareness up through your body and note any areas of tension or stress.  When you feel tension, take a focused breath as if you are breathing into that area of tension and notice how it may relax in response.

Observe one item in the room.

Engaging your visual senses can help to ground you as well.  Look at an item in front of you: a stapler on a desk, the vase in your living room, a poster on the wall.  Notice as many details about that object as you can.  Observe its shape and texture.  Identify all the colors you see on it.  Estimate how big that item is.

Repeat a supportive word or phrase to yourself.

Words have power, and when you can remind yourself of supportive, encouraging words in crisis, it can defuse the tension you feel.  Use a short phrase like “I’m going to be okay” or “I can handle whatever happens.”  If you tend to feel shame or insecurity, use affirming statements like, “I can make mistakes and still be a good person.”  If you’re trying to contain out-of-control emotional reactions, remind yourself, “I can have strong feelings and still cope with this situation.”  Sometimes even a short word or phrase that cues you to breathe and calm down can help: words like “relax,” “breathe,” “peace,” or “calm.”

Pray.

When you feel powerless over your emotions or the circumstance you’re facing, offer up prayer to God, who is in control.  Pray for the outcome of the situation or ask God to help you stay present even though it might be challenging to do so.  At times, you can match a short phrase of prayer to your breath, such as “Come, Lord Jesus” or “Holy Spirit, come.”

Hold or touch an item and notice how it feels.

Similar to noticing the points of contact between your body and the surfaces it is touching, actively holding an object can help ground you using your sense of touch.  Bring a small object with you into a conversation you expect to be distressing and hold it in your pocket.  You can touch the arm of the chair you’re sitting in or the table in front of you and notice how it feels.  You can even hold your hands together or gently run your fingernails over the inside of your palms or fingers to observe the sensation.

Relax your facial muscles.

When we are in a stressful situation or are observing someone else’s distress or anger, we tend to mimic what we see in other’s facial expressions.  This can cause us to feel the same emotion that other person is feeling.  Instead, intentionally seek to relax the muscles of your face to take on a more neutral expression. Your emotions will likely follow suit.

How to Cope With a Trauma Response: Part 2

In Part 1, we discussed how trauma responses are intense physical and emotional sensations that seem to come out of nowhere, but are often related to a trigger of a past traumatic experience.  They can be confusing and bewildering, causing a fight-flight-freeze response to arise.  They toss you out of your window of tolerance and lead you to feel uncertain about how to respond.

The first and most important step covered was how to respond to the initial impact of the trauma response.  Calming your body’s reaction to the trauma needs to happen before you can engage in critical thinking about what led to the response and how to address it more adequately in the future.  Detailed in more depth in Part 1, these calming techniques included:

• Breathing and grounding strategies to calm the nervous system

• Coping thoughts to remind yourself of distance from the traumatic experience

• Distraction techniques to focus your mind elsewhere until the intensity of the emotional response recedes

Now, we’ll get into more depth on how to approach your trauma response with curiosity instead of criticism and learn more about yourself and your needs through this exploration.

Identify the traumatic event that triggered your response.

In some cases, it is easy to connect a past traumatic event with a current trigger.  An experience in combat, a spouse’s betrayal, or physical abuse from a caregiver are all examples of experiences that may resurface in a flashback.

With other experiences, it’s more challenging to identify the trigger or what might be intensifying the experience.  As an EMDR practitioner, I often prompt my clients to connect the dots by identifying the emotion they’re feeling, where it is located in their body, and any thoughts associated with that feeling.  Then, I ask them to let their mind go back to other experiences in their life where they’ve had a similar response.

Sometimes, what comes out of that exercise may feel unrelated to the trigger, but let your mind make those connections and be curious about what it finds.  The purpose of this exercise is to validate your experience and help you understand that you’re not crazy: this is a trauma response.  If you notice this experience brings up even more emotional intensity, mitigate it with some of the self-soothing, coping thoughts, or breathing practices discussed earlier.

Ask yourself what you needed then.

Once you recognize the event that triggered the negative reaction, you can then reflect on what needs might have gone unmet or what threats were occurring that left you feeling unsafe.  For example, in an abuse situation, the need may have been for protection or escape.  In a major car accident, safety and help may have been the primary needs.  For a betrayed partner, empathy and connection may be needs they’ve experienced when dealing with addiction.

It may take some digging to get at the core needs you feel here.  Often, they aren’t right at the surface.  It may help to take a look at your reaction to the trauma: if your immediate response to a harsh word or anger from your spouse is to run and hide, this might indicate the escape you needed from an abusive family member.  Once you’re aware of these needs, then you can more easily bring them into the present moment. 

Seek healthy ways to get your needs met.

In some situations, you can easily get your needs met.  For example, if your traumatic experience relates to living with an abuser in the past or a combat experience that occurred several years ago, you can remind yourself that you are no longer in that situation, it is over, and you are safe in this moment now.  This can help increase a sense of safety.  Grounding strategies work well at supporting this need, to bring you into awareness of the present moment and connect you to that sense of present-moment safety.

In other situations, there might be a few more steps you need to take to receive support for your needs.  Perhaps you’re still living in the place of trauma, as when your spouse is a recovering addict and you can’t lean on them for support or trust.  You may have had a traumatic experience at work, but you aren’t able to quit or leave your job, and so you feel anxiety or stress each time you walk through the door into your office.

When you can’t immediately talk yourself down from a lack of safety, consider opportunities to meet your needs in healthy ways.  For the betrayed partner, seek out a therapy or support group or helpful, understanding friends with whom you can talk to receive empathy.  Practice self-validation of your experience and acknowledge to yourself that it makes sense why you would feel unsafe.  Set boundaries in your workplace or in your relationships to meet needs for protection and security.

Consider trauma-based therapy with a trained counselor.

The strategies listed above and in the previous post can help in some situations, but if you notice your trauma triggers aren’t going away, it may be time to consider more formal therapy to address some of the trauma.  EMDR is a method of psychotherapy that directly addresses and reprocesses traumatic events so that they don’t continue to hang around in your mind and plague you with intense triggers and flashbacks.  Good trauma counseling can help you create deeper change to see lasting resolution from the traumatic memories.

How to Cope With a Trauma Response: Part 1

Your day is progressing just like any other.  Waking up, getting the kids ready for school, going to work, preparing dinner…when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you’re hit with a flashback of the event.  You feel a pit in your stomach, sweat breaks out on your forehead, and you feel your heart rate spike.  You’re having trouble breathing, and you feel the urge to escape. 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or symptoms related to PTSD, you probably know this experience well.  Memories of the trauma or triggers that remind you of the event can send you into a tailspin: you’re fine one moment, then in a panic or shut down the next.  For partners who have experienced betrayal trauma, this response arises with triggers related to their addicted spouse’s behaviors.

The experience of a trauma response can be scary, as it often comes on suddenly and feels impossible to stop.  It can be exhausting to go through one of these experiences as your body goes into overdrive, trying to protect you from a threat that (often) isn’t there.  To cope with your response, you might shut down into a depression, lash out in anger or irritation at the people around you, collapse into grief and sadness, or turn inward with shame.

How do I know I’m having a trauma response vs. pure anxiety or panic?

There are several common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder that may come up when trauma resurfaces:

• Flashbacks to traumatic events (re-experiencing the memory as if it were happening now)

• Mood swings and emotional volatility

• Exaggerated startle response

• Avoiding certain triggers or activities that you used to find enjoyable

• Low self-esteem

• Isolation and withdrawal from others

Trauma shares symptoms with anxiety and/or panic attacks.  Anxiety often includes worries that are more future-oriented than trauma.  While it is true that some anxiety centers around worry about events from the past, trauma responses are different in that they can be traced back to a specific memory of a traumatic event.

Panic attacks can also arise as a result of trauma, with symptoms such as racing heart rate, sweating, feeling faint, nausea, and worry that you’ll die (often related to the heart rate symptoms).  If you experience these symptoms, be sure to meet with your doctor to rule out any underlying medical causes.  However, if there is no obvious medical cause, see if you can connect your reaction to a specific reminder of trauma (as in a trauma response), or notice if the panic arises seemingly out of nowhere (as in panic disorder).

How to Manage Trauma Responses

There are two stages to handling trauma responses.  First, you need strategies to bring yourself back into your window of tolerance by calming the physical and emotional reactions you’re having.  Once you’ve been able to calm and self-soothe, the next step involves exploring the cause of the traumatic response and some options for processing and addressing that trauma.  Today, in Part 1, we’ll talk about the first step: reducing the intensity of your initial response. 

Reduce the physical and emotional overwhelm caused by the initial hit of trauma.

You can’t think straight when you’re in the middle of a trauma response, as your body and mind take you out of your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain involved with decision-making, impulse control, and executive thinking) and move you into your limbic system (the emotional center; the fight-flight-freeze response).

In order to bring your thinking brain back online, it is necessary to calm down your nervous system enough to communicate to yourself that you don’t need to run from a threat, as the adrenaline response is prompting you to do.  Deep breathing, guided meditations, progressive muscle relaxation, grounding exercises, and other ways of calming down the nervous system are useful during these moments.

Use coping thoughts to calm your emotions.

Often, the traumatic event happened in the past and is not currently occurring, as in an experience of a car accident or a past experience of sexual assault.  In these cases, you can use words to remind yourself of your current distance from that painful experience.  They can help you ease the initial intensity of the trauma response.  These might include phrases like:

• I’m safe now, in this moment.

• I’m no longer in that situation.

• I can get through this.

• This too will pass.

• That was a painful experience, and I am not living it now.

But what if the trauma is ongoing?  When you are in a relationship with a sex or love addict who has betrayed you and are working the process of recovery, the traumatic experience may feel more present and real due to broken trust.  In those cases, it may be more helpful to use self-encouraging statements to affirm the strengths you have that are carrying you through.  These might include words like:

• I’ve been through painful moments before, and I’ve survived.

• I’m strong enough to handle this.

• I can’t control other people’s actions, but I can control my decisions and how I respond.

• I can handle this one day at a time.

• This is hard now, but in the long-term, I’m going to be okay.

Use a distraction technique.

If meditations and coping thoughts aren’t cutting it, use a distraction technique.  These are not meant to create unhealthy dissociation from your feelings or events, but instead are meant to help calm the intensity of your experience so that you aren’t as overwhelmed by it and can approach it with more curiosity.  It helps to think of this distraction as temporary, meant to bring your level of intense emotion down so that you can make sense of your reaction and respond differently. 

Using strategies popularized by dialectical-behavioral therapy (DBT) can help create this distraction.  Find an enjoyable activity that you can engage in for a period of time that takes your mind off the trigger.  Engage in a self-soothing behavior that helps you connect to your five senses.  Use the acronym ACCEPTS to help you connect with ways you can distract yourself from the distress. 

In Part 2, we’ll delve into how to explore and process the trauma response, creating tools to help you navigate its impact differently in the future.

Creating Hope in Chaos: A Therapist's Guide to Thriving During the COVID-19 Crisis

The current upheaval to many of our daily lives as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak is something we as a society have never experienced before.  Every person is affected directly or indirectly, by stay-at-home orders, closures of stores and restaurants, financial shifts, and the spread of the illness.  It’s easy for those who do not typically struggle with anxiety or depression to feel the stress of this moment in the world.

This makes the call to care for our mental health that much more important.  But how can we do that when many of us are stuck at home?  Here are a few ideas that may help you not only to get through this crisis, but perhaps to begin to thrive in the midst of and as a result of it.  Engaging in items on this list can create opportunities to change the way you approach your life for the long-term.

Reducing Anxiety

Limit your media intake. The public health crisis is constantly changing.  Every news media outlet is producing massive amounts of coverage of anything and everything having to do with the coronavirus.  It makes sense that many of us would want to follow these updates through the news.  But this can easily turn into constantly checking headlines or social media, feeling our anxiety rise with the second.

Create a limit for yourself on how much time you’ll spend on social media, news websites, or even watching TV coverage of coronavirus.  Choose a certain time of day when you will check and set a boundary to limit how long you’ll read or watch.

Incorporate deep breathing and meditation practices. Breathing and meditation can be a helpful way to calm the panic response that surfaces with anxiety.  If you notice yourself experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, focus on taking a few deep breaths, allowing the air to move down into your abdomen.

Guided meditations, which can be found on YouTube or through various apps, can be helpful to direct your mind to focus on your breath.  Many of these resources offer options for children as well.  For example, many mobile guided meditation apps such as Headspace and Sanvello are offering free access to services during the crisis. 

Practice gratitude. One of the greatest protections against anxiety is to focus on appreciating what you currently have.  Spend time daily reflecting on areas of your life for which you can be grateful.  If this crisis has allowed you more time to spend with family or focusing on tasks at home, find thankfulness in that.  Begin a list or a gratitude journal that helps you consistently keep track of the positives in your circumstance. 

Self-Care

Go outside. Even if you are in a community that has required its citizens to stay at home during this crisis, those orders often allow for physical activity outside.  Use this extra time to go for a walk or run.  Take your kids out on a bike ride or walk around the neighborhood.  Play or relax in your yard together.  Spending time in nature offers a multitude of mental health benefits, so why not take advantage of those now?

Practice active rest. Much of the reaction I’ve seen from people who have the privilege of being able to work from home is to rejoice in the fact that they get to catch up on their Netflix queues.  While there’s nothing wrong with watching a good show from time to time, spending a whole day bingeing on TV can lead to feelings of guilt or lethargy.  You might not have done anything during the day, but you still feel exhausted, whether from staying up too late watching your shows or the strain of so much screen time.

Instead of doing those things that seem like rest but are actually draining, lean into habits that provide actual rest for you.  Allow yourself to sleep in or take a nap.  Read a good book.  Pray, spend time reading the Bible, or practice other spiritual self-care.  Spend lazy hours talking with your loved ones or playing board games.  Letting your mind and body catch up on rest from the frenzied pace of normal life can be an incredible blessing during this season.

Exercise. As mentioned earlier, walking or running outside is an easy way to get out of the house while still following guidelines for health and safety of others.  Get into the practice of taking a short walk daily.  If you’re used to a commute to work, “walking” to work by strolling around the block can be an easy way to set boundaries at the start and end of your work-from-home day. 

What if you usually go to the gym to get in your exercise?  Look for opportunities to do those same exercises from home.  Free videos on YouTube (like Yoga with Adriene) or subscription programs (like OpenFit) offer at-home workouts that you can do from the safety of your living room.

Social Connection

Call a loved one every day.  Just because we’re “social distancing” doesn’t mean that we have to cut off all connection with the people we love.  I was inspired by a recent blog post by Marnie Ferree to get out my phone and call one of my loved ones on a daily basis.  This can be a family member, friend, coworker, or other member of your community that can help you feel connected within the craziness. Reach out to someone you haven’t connected with for some time and catch up on how they’re doing, offering your empathy and support in response.

Write notes of encouragement. Have you ever received a handwritten note in the mail?  It can be heartwarming to receive words of encouragement.  Why not spread the love during this time with the extra minutes we may have in our day?  Write notes to medical professionals who need support, friends who you know are feeling financial strain, or just to maintain connection with those you love. 

Have a family game night or scavenger hunt. The busy pace of life can prevent families from being able to spend quality time together on a more regular basis.  This period of extended time at home creates an opportunity for family members who don’t often get to see one another to spend quality time together.  As tempting as it may be to all sit in front of your individual screens, coordinate an evening where you play a game together or create a scavenger hunt through the yard or neighborhood for different items.

Use technology creatively to connect.  Video messaging platforms have allowed people to continue to connect when they are thousands of miles apart, so of course they can be used to connect with people who are just down the street.  Have a coffee date with a friend by brewing your own cups and then sitting down to chat.  “Go out” for drinks with your friends virtually.  Play a cooperative game with friends on a video gaming console or with various apps that allow you to connect in different locations.

Volunteer or donate. As a follow-up to the gratitude practice, you  may find yourself recognizing how blessed you are in comparison with others.  Although it may seem like you can’t do much while you are cooped up at home, there are plenty of ways you can serve and bless those who are dealing with more difficult circumstances.  Many local charities are accepting financial or material donations to support those in need.  Hospitals and medical facilities are accepting donations of certain medical supplies.  Many food pantries are still open and collecting dry goods.  If you have extra disinfecting wipes, hand sanitizer, or even toilet paper to share, consider offering it to neighbors of yours who may not have those supplies.

Notice the Positive

Reflect on what you’re learning. Ask yourself what you may be learning or observing during this drastic change in circumstances.  Can this new perspective or knowledge impact the way you live your life in the future?  How might you want to change our daily habits as a result?  For instance, perhaps you’ve enjoyed having extended time with your household and want to make that a priority in the future.  Perhaps you’ve discovered a new hobby or interest that will shape how you spend your leisure time once this crisis has passed.  

Focus on others. Often, this goes hand-in-hand with the suggestion of volunteering time or donating supplies.  When you shift your gaze to others who are in need, you are more likely to feel grateful for what you have and relieved of anxiety.  Pray for those in your community specifically, and ask others who you might pray for them.  Identify ways you can love or bless the people in your community using a strategy listed above.

Search for acts of kindness. The moments that have floored me most throughout this crisis have been the acts of kindness I’ve witnessed that offer hope and joy to others in the midst of chaos.  Keep your eyes open for ways in which your community might be carrying out some of these gestures. Brainstorm ways you might be able to participate in those acts of kindness.  Search for lists of ideas or become inspired by news coverage of these choices people are making to bring hope. 

Understanding the Window of Tolerance and How Trauma Throws You Off Balance

Have you ever felt out of control of your emotions?  Overtaken by anger or rage?  Swarmed by anxious thoughts and worries? Confused by the intensity of your emotional reactions?

What about feeling shut down emotionally? No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to feel anything.  You’re disconnected from relationships and others, and you coast through your day feeling numb.

Chances are, if you’ve had this happen to you, you’ve been outside of your window of tolerance. 

What is the window of tolerance?

Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the term “window of tolerance” describes the space where your level of arousal (how alert you are) matches up with what is required for you to do.  This window is the space where you can approach day-to-day life most effectively, handling emotions without losing control and making clear-headed decisions with rational thought.

Imagine an average day where you aren’t troubled by too much stress, but you’re still alert and able to focus on your tasks.  Typically, this would place you right in the center of your window of tolerance: you’re not facing anything beyond what you can handle.  You can experience emotions without being overtaken by them and feel safe in general.

Let’s say a minor stressor comes up: you get a phone call from your boss that requires you to do additional work, or an email comes in from your child’s teacher about misbehavior in their class.  That stressor will increase your level of arousal, maybe even to put you at the edge of your window of tolerance, but if you’re still within that window you can handle the stress without getting too out of sorts.

Our brains are designed to handle the ups and downs of emotions and experience by remaining within this window of tolerance.  We may have unconscious coping mechanisms in place that help us handle that stress, or the passage of time brings us back to the center of that window.

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM) has provided this infographic to help you visualize the window of tolerance.

What happens when I go outside the window?

When a circumstance, stressor, or trigger is enough to throw you outside the window of tolerance, you enter into survival mode.  Outside the window of tolerance, the prefrontal cortex of your brain (involved in impulse control, decision-making, and regulating emotions) shuts down.

If your level of arousal is too high and jumps above the window of tolerance, you’re experiencing hyperarousal.  Usually this is the initial response when a stressor throws you off balance.  Hyperarousal comes from your fight-or-flight adrenaline response, which can show up with increased heart rate, racing thoughts, digestive issues, or hypervigilance in your surroundings.  You might feel an intense wave of anxiety, panic, or anger.  Your emotions can be overwhelming and out of control.

If your level of arousal is too low and dips below the window of tolerance, this is hypoarousal.  This comes from a freeze and shut-down response, often as a reaction to the adrenaline rush of hyperarousal.  Hypoarousal can look a lot like depression.  You might notice lack of motivation, exhaustion, and feeling numb and disconnected from emotions.

How Trauma Affects the Window of Tolerance

If you’ve experienced trauma, whether big T (like a natural disaster or prolonged abuse) or little t (like gaslighting or emotional manipulation that adds up over time), you know that reminders of those experiences can bring you back to how it felt then.  These triggers happen out of nowhere.  A sound, smell, or location can send you into a negative spiral.  Often, these triggers go unnoticed and you’re left feeling anxious, depressed, or some combination of the two without really knowing why.  Other times, these are obvious reminders that trigger flashbacks or physical reactions in your body.

If you have experienced trauma, your window of tolerance shrinks.  The traumatic experience has likely taught you that the world is unsafe and unpredictable.  Triggers related to the trauma also increase emotional response, skyrocketing you out of your window of tolerance before you’re even aware of what’s happening.

Because the window of tolerance is smaller, you’re likely to fluctuate more often through hyperarousal and hypoarousal.  Something as simple as that call from your boss or email from your child’s teacher could send you into an anxious spiral. 

In some cases, when you’ve been outside of your window of tolerance for a long period of time, clinical levels of anxiety or depression can develop. Survivors of trauma may learn to adapt to fluctuations between hyperarousal or hypoarousal by moving toward unhealthy behaviors, such as addictions, to manage their discomfort.

How can I stay in my window of tolerance?

There are healthy alternatives to addictions or other destructive ways of coping that can help you to return to your window of tolerance.

• Breath work and grounding. Bring yourself into the present moment by taking a few deep breaths.  Use a breathing technique like four-square breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise to help you remember that you’re in the present.

• Check your thoughts. Talk to yourself about what’s going on in the present.  Question whether the feelings of panic or lack of safety are based in factual reality, or if they’re an echo of the past trauma.  Affirm yourself for changes you’ve made and work you’ve done or are doing to heal from the trauma.

• Self-care. When you notice your emotions getting out of control, think of that as a red flag indicating your need for self-care.  This can include things like going for a walk, taking a hot shower, giving yourself a few minutes to breathe, or calling a friend.  Look for self-soothing actions that help you not to be overcome by the emotion and ground you in the present

• Connection with loved ones.  Feeling supported and cared for by your loved ones can serve as an important part of self-care when you’re reeling from a trauma-related trigger.  Connect with your loved ones via phone call, text, or in-person meeting to remind you of their present role in your life. 

Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

The solutions above can be great in an emergency when you find that you’re already outside of the window of tolerance.  But if you’ve experienced trauma and are coping with a smaller window of tolerance, these will only provide a temporary fix.  Luckily, it is possible to grow that window of tolerance with focused work.

• Therapy. Creating space to process and deal with the impact of trauma on your everyday life with a professional counselor or psychologist can help create a buffer for your emotional reactions.  Your relationship and connection with your therapist is the most valuable part of any therapy relationship, moreso than what technique that therapist uses.  Find someone with whom you feel comfortable and safe and who can help you stay within the window of tolerance in your sessions, as healing can’t occur when you’re outside of that window.

• EMDR. As an EMDR-trained clinician, I have seen EMDR change the game with clients who have survived trauma.  EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) helps process and reorganize the traumatic memories in your brain such that they aren’t creating such strong emotional reactions.  This technique replaces the negative narratives and emotions from those memories with a more grounded and centered perspective coupled with positive, affirming words.

• Regular meditation practice.  While the short version of meditation and breathing mentioned above can help in a pinch, regular meditation practice can do wonders for extending the window of tolerance.  Doing regular breath work over time can create a habit that develops into a reflex to react to stress with conscious breathing.

Take a Deep Breath: Five Mindful Strategies for Dealing with Anxiety

During my first year of my master’s program, I saw how anxiety, stress, and lack of time would hit me with intense experiences of overwhelm.  I was working close to full time hours at a nanny job, attending class 4 nights a week, and serving in my church in my “free time.”  Any extra time I had was filled with studying and attempting to navigate my way through our massive textbooks.   With a temperament that errs on the side of anxiety and perfectionism, it was easy to talk myself into a state of stress that would make it difficult for me to function.

My school was a commuter school about 30 minutes away from where I lived, so I began listening to podcasts in my car.  (Cue the beginning of my obsession with podcasts).  One of those podcasts interviewed a life coach and therapist who gave tips on dealing with anxiety.  She taught a technique involving deep breathing, which I’d never tried before.  I decided to give it a go in the 10 minutes I sat in my car before class.  Let me tell you: it was like magic.  I felt like I could enter into the classroom in a completely different and relaxed state of mind.

Everyday anxiety is something many people experience, especially during stressful seasons in their lives.  Anxiety engages our internal fight-and-flight response, which pumps up our body with adrenaline and cortisol, a stress hormone.  By practicing deep breathing and other techniques below, you can take control over your body’s instinctual reaction.  As you slow down your breathing and your thoughts, you’re essentially reminding your body that you aren’t in danger.  This calms your fight-or-flight response.

Here are some tips on how you can respond with mindfulness when you feel yourself becoming anxious, nervous, and overwhelmed.

Daily Meditation

As the foundation of all the exercises that follow, daily meditation helps you become attuned to your body.  Spend time in a quiet room in silence for a few minutes to start.  Gradually increase to more time as you become more comfortable.  Pay attention to the way your body feels, noticing each part of your body, any emotions that arise, or any physical sensations. 

Oftentimes meditation is associated with “clearing your mind,” which can discourage you if you feel as though you can’t turn your thoughts off.   Instead, accept the likelihood that thoughts will cross your mind, and allow yourself to notice them, but not shame yourself for having them.

There are several apps that offer guided meditations, if you’re someone like me and are too easily distracted to sit quietly.  I’m a particular fan of Happify and Headspace, but there are many out there you can try and find the best fit for you.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive muscle relaxation is the practice of mentally becoming aware of each part of your body by isolating one muscle group at a time, tensing and flexing the muscles.  Pay attention to the feeling of holding tightness in your muscles as you tense them, and notice how it feels to release and relax them afterwards.

This practice can also help you fall asleep at night or re-energize yourself during the day.   In the morning or throughout your day, start by tensing and releasing your toes and work your way upward through different muscle group such as your legs, knees, stomach, chest, arms, shoulders, neck, jaw, and forehead.  At night, do the opposite - start with the muscles in your forehead and work your way down through your body. 

Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing was the technique that I heard Dr. Jennifer Degler speak about on that podcast all those years ago.  She introduced four-square breathing: a technique where you breathe in for 4 counts, hold the breath for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts.  Completing about 10 cycles of these deep breaths allows you to begin to feel the anxiety melt away.

As you’re practicing these breathing exercises, you’ll want to breathe from your diaphragm or abdomen.  In order to do that, it can be helpful to imagine that there is a balloon in your stomach, just behind your belly button.  Breathe in through your nose, trying to make that balloon expand.  As you breathe out through your mouth, imagining the balloon deflating.  Another helpful strategy involves laying on the ground or on a sofa, placing your hands on your stomach, and feeling your stomach rise and fall as you breathe.

5-4-3-2-1 Senses Grounding Exercise

This is a personal favorite of mine, especially when I’m feeling particularly triggered by thoughts or emotions.  Begin taking a few deep breaths, noticing the rise and fall of your abdomen.  Next, take a look around you and notice 5 things that you see.  Notice the colors, textures, and other characteristics of those objects.  Next, move on to identifying 4 things you can hear, noticing the quality of the sound, whether it is loud or soft, repeating or one-time.  Continue down through this pattern by noticing 3 things you can touch/feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.  You’ll feel yourself becoming grounded in the present reality around you, and emotions will likely become less distracting and more manageable.

Breath Prayer

Often when we talk about Christian meditation practice, it is accompanied by reading or memorizing Scripture and seeking to understand truth about that passage.  While that can be helpful to engage your mind, when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, this isn’t always the quickest way to address that anxiety.  Instead, integrate some of the earlier mentions of breathing exercises and Biblical truth through breath prayer.  Breath prayer involves identifying a short phrase or sentence of truth about God or prayer to God.  Examples might be phrases such as, “Lord, have mercy,” “God, I need you,” or “Holy Spirit, come.”  You could also use short Bible verses that are meaningful to you, such as “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).  Repeat those words to yourself out loud or in your mind while you are practicing deep breathing.  Breathe in on the first part of the phrase, and release your breath on the second half of the phrase.

While these mindfulness strategies didn’t immediately fix my stress levels or perfectionism, they did provide a way for me to calm my body down and remind myself of truth.  Test out some of these strategies for yourself when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, and see which ones help you to lower those levels of stress.

This article was originally posted on May 4, 2017.

Self-Care Saturdays: Take a Mindful Moment

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays!.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

Mindfulness is a trendy topic mentioned often by psychologists these days.  Over the past few years my curiosity about mindfulness has been peaked, and I’ve tried out meditation, yoga, and other stress-relieving activities to see what all the buzz is about.

And I’ve found that the reason mindfulness is so popular is that it works.

As I’ve been growing my counseling private practice and seeking to achieve balance between my business schedule and personal commitments, I’ve realized that stress is a common factor in my daily life.  Since research has shown that mindfulness benefits healthcare professionals, I thought I’d give it a go.

I picked up a month-long yoga practice this past month on Yoga with Adriene, and I truly believe it has changed my life.  Doing yoga daily creates space for me to intentionally slow down, practice breathing deeply, and grow in conscious awareness of my body and how I hold myself throughout my day.  My goal for the month was to feel better, and I certainly did.

What is mindfulness?  How does it benefit me?

If your concept of mindfulness includes the image of a Buddhist monk sitting cross-legged and letting out a few “om”s, you’re likely not alone.  Mindfulness, however, is a much broader reaching practice than just these examples.  Mindfulness is defined as a state of conscious awareness in the present moment without judgment.  You can practice mindfulness while you’re walking down the street, driving in your car, or playing with your children.

A multitude of studies completed in recent years show all the health benefits of mindfulness.  It reduces stress and improves mood, likely due to slowing down the fight-or-flight stress response.  Mindfulness increases focus and attention, which then links to an improvement in job performance.  It leads to a reduction in symptoms of chronic pain and has shown positive benefits with cancer patients’ recovery.  For recovering addicts, doing mindful practices actually encourage change in the brain structures that have been formed through addiction.  It also offers benefits to those who suffer from depression or overly intense emotions.

What about the benefits of yoga?

Yoga is one major way to target those benefits of mindfulness, but it also carries its own positive effects.  Yoga can be a form of exercise to increase your flexibility, muscle strength, and tone.  It can provide cross training for running or other cardio exercise.  It also can help you to become a more mindful eater as you grow in awareness of your body and how it feels.

Psychologically, yoga targets stress and provides relief through relaxation, reducing anxiety, and improving your mood.  Yoga can help you to build a positive sense of self, which is often threatened by the shame or negative self-talk characteristic of depression.  If you are a survivor of trauma and struggle with dissociation, yoga can help you become more in touch with your body and help you to ground into the present moment.

One of the most beneficial concepts for me in my yoga practice was the beginner’s mind.  As a former dancer, I believed that in order to prove my flexibility and be the “best” at yoga, I had to do all the intense pretzel-like postures the instructor was doing.  As a recovering perfectionist, I still felt pressure to do every move “perfectly.”  Luckily, the instructor encouraged me to listen to my body and not push myself beyond my limits.  Being able to slow down on the mat and give myself permission to be imperfect allowed me to approach other areas of my life with the same calm and willingness to learn.

One potential roadblock for Christians who are hoping to try yoga is the potential struggle with its Buddhist roots.  As a Christian myself, I wrestle with this concept too.  I’ve chosen to use poses that involve a prayer posture or my intention for my practice as a way to connect with the Lord in prayer and surrender, seeking to set my mind on Him.  In yoga classes, you may come across language that feels uncomfortable or doesn’t fit with your Christian beliefs, and that’s fine! If it’s too difficult for you, you can try a different instructor or seek out Christian yoga classes.

How can I practice mindfulness in my life? 

Try a breathing exercise.

Taking a few moments to enjoy some deep breaths helps to slow down your nervous system and decrease anxiety.  Practicing breathing can be a task that takes as short as 10 minutes or less – it doesn’t have to be a huge chunk of your day.  It can be helpful to use a guided meditation in which to do this.  I really like the Headspace app, which gives you fun animations to help you start and 10-minute meditations to walk through.  For my Christian friends, I’d also recommend Everyday Prayer, a short podcast series with meditative prayers to increase a sense of mindfulness.

Test out mindful eating.

As you eat your next meal, pay attention to the flavors and textures of the foods you are eating.  Notice the smell of the spices in the food.  Pay attention to how your stomach feels, if you notice yourself feeling full or stuffed as a signal to stop.

Go for a mindful walk.

Take a walk outside.  Pay attention to the feel of your feet pressing against the ground, the temperature of the air, and the feeling of wind on your skin.  Look around at the sights around you, whether they involve nature, other people, or buildings.  Smell the fresh air outside.

Yoga.

As talked about before, I’ve become a big proponent of yoga after I’ve seen how I’ve felt as a result of doing it daily.  I love Yoga with Adriene.  She offers hundreds of free yoga videos on her YouTube channel, and if you subscribe to her newsletter you receive a monthly calendar with a practice she’s chosen for each day of the month.  Check out YouTube for other free yoga channels, or join a class in your area.

Practice consistently.

As you likely know if you’ve tried and failed to start a new exercise regimen, you don’t begin to see the benefit to your fitness levels until you’ve made the practice a habit.  Practicing mindfulness daily is an important step to experience its health benefits.  You can choose a time and place that works best for you – I like doing my yoga first thing in the morning (and I go to sleep in my yoga clothes so I’m ready to go when I wake up!)  It doesn’t have to be a huge commitment either: even just taking 10 minutes a day can show a marked difference.

How will you practice mindfulness this week?

Take a Deep Breath: 5 Mindful Strategies for Managing Day-to-Day Anxiety

During my first year of my master’s program, I saw how anxiety, stress, and lack of time would hit me with intense experiences of overwhelm.  I was working close to full time hours at a nanny job, attending class 4 nights a week, and serving in my church in my “free time.”  Any extra time I had was filled with studying and attempting to navigate my way through our massive textbooks.   With a temperament that errs on the side of anxiety and perfectionism, it was easy to talk myself into a state of stress that would make it difficult for me to function.

My school was a commuter school about 30 minutes away from where I lived, so I began listening to podcasts in my car.  (Cue the beginning of my obsession with podcasts).  One of those podcasts interviewed a life coach and therapist who gave tips on dealing with anxiety.  One of those techniques involved deep breathing, which I’d never tried before.  I decided to give it a go in the 10 minutes I sat in my car before class.  Let me tell you: it was like magic.  I felt like I could enter into the classroom in a completely different and relaxed state of mind.

Everyday anxiety is something many people experience, especially during stressful seasons in their lives.  Anxiety engages our internal fight-and-flight response, which pumps up our body with adrenaline and cortisol, a stress hormone.  By practicing deep breathing and other techniques below, you can take control over your body’s instinctual reaction.  As you slow down your breathing and your thoughts, you’re essentially reminding your body that you aren’t in danger.  This calms your fight-or-flight response.

Here are some tips on how you can respond with mindfulness when you feel yourself becoming anxious, nervous, and overwhelmed.

Daily Meditation

As the foundation of all the exercises that follow, daily meditation helps you begin to become attuned to your body.  Spend some time in a quiet room in silence for a few minutes to start.  You can gradually increase to more time as you become more comfortable.  Pay attention to the way your body feels, noticing each part of your body, any emotions that arise, or any physical sensations. 

Oftentimes meditation is associated with “clearing your mind,” which can discourage you if you feel as though you can’t turn your thoughts off.   Instead, accept the likelihood that thoughts will cross your mind, and allow yourself to notice them, but not shame yourself for having them.

There are several apps that offer guided meditations, if you’re someone like me and are too easily distracted to sit quietly.  I’m a particular fan of Happify and Headspace, but there are many out there you can try and find the best fit for you.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This is the fancy therapist term for the practice of mentally becoming aware of each part of your body by isolating one muscle group at a time, tensing and flexing the muscles.  Pay attention to the feeling of holding tightness in your muscles as you tense them, and notice how it feels to release and relax them afterwards.

This practice can also help you fall asleep at night or re-energize yourself during the day.   In the morning or throughout your day, start by tensing and releasing your toes and work your way upward through different muscle group such as your legs, knees, stomach, chest, arms, shoulders, neck, jaw, and forehead.  At night, do the opposite - start with the muscles in your forehead and work your way down through your body. 

Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing was the technique that I heard Dr. Jennifer Degler speak about on that podcast all those years ago.  She introduced four-square breathing: a technique where you breathe in for 4 counts, hold the breath for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts.  Completing about 10 cycles of these deep breaths allows you to begin to feel the anxiety melt away.

As you’re practicing these breathing exercises, you’ll want to breathe from your diaphragm or abdomen.  In order to do that, it can be helpful to imagine that there is a balloon in your stomach, just behind your belly button.  Breathe in through your nose, trying to make that balloon expand.  As you breathe out through your mouth, imagining the balloon deflating.  Another helpful strategy involves laying on the ground or on a sofa, placing your hands on your stomach, and feeling your stomach rise and fall as you breathe.

5-4-3-2-1 Senses Grounding Exercise

This is a personal favorite of mine, especially when I’m feeling particularly triggered by thoughts or emotions.  Begin taking a few deep breaths, noticing the rise and fall of your abdomen.  Next, take a look around you and notice 5 things that you see.  Notice the colors, textures, and other characteristics of those objects.  Next, move on to identifying 4 things you can hear, noticing the quality of the sound, whether it is loud or soft, repeating or one-time.  Continue down through this pattern by noticing 3 things you can touch/feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.  You’ll feel yourself becoming grounded in the present reality around you, and emotions will likely become less distracting and more manageable.

Breath Prayer

Often when we talk about Christian meditation practice, it is accompanied by reading or memorizing Scripture and seeking to understand truth about that passage.  While that can be a helpful practice, when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, this isn’t always the quickest way to address that anxiety.  Instead, integrate some of the earlier mentions of breathing exercises and Biblical truth through breath prayer.  Breath prayer involves identifying a short phrase or sentence of truth about God or prayer to God.  Examples might be phrases such as, “Lord, have mercy,” “God, I need you,” or “Holy Spirit, come.”  You could also use short Bible verses that are meaningful to you, such as “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).  Repeat those words to yourself out loud or in your mind while you are practicing deep breathing.  Breathe in on the first part of the phrase, and release your breath on the second half of the phrase.

While these mindfulness strategies didn’t immediately fix my stress levels or perfectionism, they did provide a way for me to calm my body down and remind myself of truth.  Test out some of these strategies for yourself when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, and see which ones help you to lower those levels of stress.