Have you ever felt out of control of your emotions? Overtaken by anger or rage? Swarmed by anxious thoughts and worries? Confused by the intensity of your emotional reactions?
What about feeling shut down emotionally? No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to feel anything. You’re disconnected from relationships and others, and you coast through your day feeling numb.
Chances are, if you’ve had this happen to you, you’ve been outside of your window of tolerance.
What is the window of tolerance?
Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the term “window of tolerance” describes the space where your level of arousal (how alert you are) matches up with what is required for you to do. This window is the space where you can approach day-to-day life most effectively, handling emotions without losing control and making clear-headed decisions with rational thought.
Imagine an average day where you aren’t troubled by too much stress, but you’re still alert and able to focus on your tasks. Typically, this would place you right in the center of your window of tolerance: you’re not facing anything beyond what you can handle. You can experience emotions without being overtaken by them and feel safe in general.
Let’s say a minor stressor comes up: you get a phone call from your boss that requires you to do additional work, or an email comes in from your child’s teacher about misbehavior in their class. That stressor will increase your level of arousal, maybe even to put you at the edge of your window of tolerance, but if you’re still within that window you can handle the stress without getting too out of sorts.
Our brains are designed to handle the ups and downs of emotions and experience by remaining within this window of tolerance. We may have unconscious coping mechanisms in place that help us handle that stress, or the passage of time brings us back to the center of that window.
The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM) has provided this infographic to help you visualize the window of tolerance.
What happens when I go outside the window?
When a circumstance, stressor, or trigger is enough to throw you outside the window of tolerance, you enter into survival mode. Outside the window of tolerance, the prefrontal cortex of your brain (involved in impulse control, decision-making, and regulating emotions) shuts down.
If your level of arousal is too high and jumps above the window of tolerance, you’re experiencing hyperarousal. Usually this is the initial response when a stressor throws you off balance. Hyperarousal comes from your fight-or-flight adrenaline response, which can show up with increased heart rate, racing thoughts, digestive issues, or hypervigilance in your surroundings. You might feel an intense wave of anxiety, panic, or anger. Your emotions can be overwhelming and out of control.
If your level of arousal is too low and dips below the window of tolerance, this is hypoarousal. This comes from a freeze and shut-down response, often as a reaction to the adrenaline rush of hyperarousal. Hypoarousal can look a lot like depression. You might notice lack of motivation, exhaustion, and feeling numb and disconnected from emotions.
How Trauma Affects the Window of Tolerance
If you’ve experienced trauma, whether big T (like a natural disaster or prolonged abuse) or little t (like gaslighting or emotional manipulation that adds up over time), you know that reminders of those experiences can bring you back to how it felt then. These triggers happen out of nowhere. A sound, smell, or location can send you into a negative spiral. Often, these triggers go unnoticed and you’re left feeling anxious, depressed, or some combination of the two without really knowing why. Other times, these are obvious reminders that trigger flashbacks or physical reactions in your body.
If you have experienced trauma, your window of tolerance shrinks. The traumatic experience has likely taught you that the world is unsafe and unpredictable. Triggers related to the trauma also increase emotional response, skyrocketing you out of your window of tolerance before you’re even aware of what’s happening.
Because the window of tolerance is smaller, you’re likely to fluctuate more often through hyperarousal and hypoarousal. Something as simple as that call from your boss or email from your child’s teacher could send you into an anxious spiral.
In some cases, when you’ve been outside of your window of tolerance for a long period of time, clinical levels of anxiety or depression can develop. Survivors of trauma may learn to adapt to fluctuations between hyperarousal or hypoarousal by moving toward unhealthy behaviors, such as addictions, to manage their discomfort.
How can I stay in my window of tolerance?
There are healthy alternatives to addictions or other destructive ways of coping that can help you to return to your window of tolerance.
Breath work and grounding. Bring yourself into the present moment by taking a few deep breaths. Use a breathing technique like four-square breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise to help you remember that you’re in the present.
Check your thoughts. Talk to yourself about what’s going on in the present. Question whether the feelings of panic or lack of safety are based in factual reality, or if they’re an echo of the past trauma. Affirm yourself for changes you’ve made and work you’ve done or are doing to heal from the trauma.
Self-care. When you notice your emotions getting out of control, think of that as a red flag indicating your need for self-care. This can include things like going for a walk, taking a hot shower, giving yourself a few minutes to breathe, or calling a friend. Look for self-soothing actions that help you not to be overcome by the emotion and ground you in the present
Connection with loved ones. Feeling supported and cared for by your loved ones can serve as an important part of self-care when you’re reeling from a trauma-related trigger. Connect with your loved ones via phone call, text, or in-person meeting to remind you of their present role in your life.
Expanding Your Window of Tolerance
The solutions above can be great in an emergency when you find that you’re already outside of the window of tolerance. But if you’ve experienced trauma and are coping with a smaller window of tolerance, these will only provide a temporary fix. Luckily, it is possible to grow that window of tolerance with focused work.
Therapy. Creating space to process and deal with the impact of trauma on your everyday life with a professional counselor or psychologist can help create a buffer for your emotional reactions. Your relationship and connection with your therapist is the most valuable part of any therapy relationship, moreso than what technique that therapist uses. Find someone with whom you feel comfortable and safe and who can help you stay within the window of tolerance in your sessions, as healing can’t occur when you’re outside of that window.
EMDR. As an EMDR-trained clinician, I have seen EMDR change the game with clients who have survived trauma. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) helps process and reorganize the traumatic memories in your brain such that they aren’t creating such strong emotional reactions. This technique replaces the negative narratives and emotions from those memories with a more grounded and centered perspective coupled with positive, affirming words.
Regular meditation practice. While the short version of meditation and breathing mentioned above can help in a pinch, regular meditation practice can do wonders for extending the window of tolerance. Doing regular breath work over time can create a habit that develops into a reflex to react to stress with conscious breathing.