How Enduring Vulnerabilities Are Affecting Your Marriage

Have you ever had an intense emotional reaction to something your spouse says or does, even though the situation doesn’t warrant it?  If you haven’t noticed this in yourself, is this something you’ve seen happen in your partner while you’re in a disagreement?

What about when you get into an argument with your spouse, but later on, neither of you are able to remember how the argument began or what made you so angry in the first place?  Often it can feel like it began over something silly that escalated out of control within minutes.

When your reaction to a situation in the present is intensified by experiences from the past, these signal that there may be an enduring vulnerability at play.

What are enduring vulnerabilities?

The term “enduring vulnerability” was coined by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA.  It references past experiences in relationships, your family-or-origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.

For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years.  When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame. 

Often these vulnerabilities stem from attachment wounds.  Attachment wounds occur when a primary caregiver in your childhood was not a safe or secure base for you.  You project those attachment wounds on your partner because they are now the closest attachment figure in your life.

Enduring vulnerabilities are unique to all people and are often the source of these unexpected emotional reactions.   In order to understand how they impact you, you must practice self-reflection and awareness of the current situation in order to put them into context.

How do enduring vulnerabilities impact couples?

Major arguments that happen in relationships are often fueled by these enduring vulnerabilities.  Something your spouse says or does reminds you of someone else or a past trauma, and you react as if you are right back in that trauma.

Sometimes, enduring vulnerabilities are worsened by actual harm done in your marriage.  When your partner makes a critical or contemptuous comment to you, it can intensify an enduring vulnerability that already exists.  If you have experienced betrayal in your marriage relationship, new vulnerabilities may form as your primary adult attachment figure now feels unsafe.

How can couples use enduring vulnerabilities to grow closer?

There is an upside to these enduring vulnerabilities, however.  John Gottman, in his research on couples, recognized that arguments provide an opportunity for couples to grow in intimacy as they get to know one another’s enduring vulnerabilities.  Understanding one another’s stories will allow you to increase your empathy in responding and caring for one another in your marriage.

Recognize them.

When you find yourself reacting strongly to an interaction with your spouse, take some time to self-reflect.  What was the most challenging part of the conversation for you?  Why do you think it was the most challenging? Ask yourself what the interaction reminded you of. What situations in the past may have set you up to feel the way you did?

Pay attention to the physical sensations that arose in your body, the emotions you were feeling, and the thoughts that were running through your mind.  Let your mind float back to similar experiences in your life. These memories may be the key to uncovering why you responded so strongly to your partner’s actions or words.

Talk about them with your partner.

After some time has passed post-argument and tensions have lowered, share what you felt particularly sensitive to about that argument and how it relates to what you now know about your enduring vulnerabilities.  Be sure to talk about your own experience using the talking formula rather than offering criticism or contempt about your spouse.

If your spouse is sharing their enduring vulnerabilities with you, listen to them.  Ask open-ended questions to understand more of their story.  Offer validation and empathy to show that you understand how what happened in the present must have been difficult for them, based on what they experienced in the past.

Conversations about enduring vulnerabilities can help you know one another more deeply and connect on a more significant level.  They create a stronger sense of intimacy as you begin to know one another’s stories and experience empathy and understanding.

Create a plan for situations like these in the future.

As a couple, you can decide how you want to approach these enduring vulnerabilities when they inevitably arise in your relationship again.  

It is important for the spouse who has the enduring vulnerability to take responsibility for their personal emotions, rather than blaming their reaction on their partner.  It may require them to do their own work in counseling or elsewhere to identify when enduring vulnerabilities arise and options for changing their automatic reaction to them.  This is especially important when that enduring vulnerability is impacted by a more serious mental health concern such as depression, PTSD, addiction, or others.

At the same time, the spouse who is not affected by that vulnerability can choose to adapt their approach in these conversations to lovingly support their spouse and avoid known triggers related to that vulnerability.  For example, if one of your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities comes from being called “stupid” frequently by a verbally abusive parent, you might intentionally avoid using that word to describe them or choose to affirm their competence in challenging situations.

In order to avoid codependency and attempts at mind-reading, have a conversation with your spouse about what would be supportive to them when they are experiencing an enduring vulnerability.  Allow your spouse to make requests of what they would prefer, and consider if you are willing to offer support in that way.

Have patience with the process.

Understanding your own and your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities is not an overnight process.  It takes time to fully understand how your unique stories and past experiences play into your interactions with one another, and often there will be some trial-and-error before you find the best ways to support one another.  Give yourself grace in this period of learning.

Know also that frequently couples have enduring vulnerabilities that intensify one another when they occur.  For example, he feels hurt when she walks away from the conversation out of fear of abandonment, but she feels scared when he comes after her due to her past history of abuse.  Recognizing and talking about these together can help you have more empathy for one another and grow into different approaches that work for your unique marriage.

The Key to Satisfying Relationships: Understanding Your Adult Attachment Style

How do you experience relationships?  Are you confident in your connection with others and able to relate easily?  Do you long for the perfect relationship, but feel dissatisfied once you’re in one and struggle to get out?  Do you feel terrified of being alone or abandoned, and will do whatever it takes to keep your loved ones close, even if it means sacrificing part of who you are?

Whether or not you’ve experienced these yourself, you probably know someone else who has. These patterns in relationships can create despair, hopelessness, or distress.  Often, these patterns are rooted in the theory of adult attachment styles.

What is attachment?

Attachment is an individual’s beliefs about his or her safety, security, and protection in relation to others, formed by early interactions between child and caregiver.  Attachment theory is based on the research of John Bowlby, who was curious about the distress infants showed when separated from their caregivers.  He believed that children use these behaviors in order to get their caregiver’s attention and essentially ask their caregiver, “Can I trust you to respond?  Will you take care of my needs?”  The response of the caregiver forms the foundation of the child’s attachment style.

Building on Bowlby’s research, Mary Ainsworth put this theory into the research lab.  She created the “strange situation,” an environment where a child was brought by their caregiver into a playroom where another adult was present.  The caregiver would leave for a short time and then return.  Researchers observed the response of the infant when the parent left, while the parent was outside the room, and upon the return of the parent.

She observed four different responses in children.  Securely attached children were upset when their caregiver left, but comforted by their return.  This was the most common response (60% of children) and indicated that the caregivers were responsive to the needs of the child.

Insecurely attached children were impacted by lack of responsiveness or inconsistent responses from their caregivers.  They took one of three forms:

• Insecure-resistant attachment – These children showed high levels of distress when their caregiver left.  They were unable to be soothed upon reuniting with their caregiver, almost as if they were “punishing” the caregiver for leaving.

• Insecure-avoidant attachment – These children weren’t distressed by their caregiver leaving and ignored their caregiver upon re-entry, often choosing to continue playing rather than engaging with their caregiver.

• Insecure-disorganized attachment – These children demonstrated an unpredictable response that could not be categorized.  These responses were more commonly correlated with childhood abuse.

Adult Attachment Styles

Later on, researchers Hazan and Shaver extended these findings into adulthood.  They concluded that attachment styles in childhood affected the way adults experienced intimacy and connection in romantic relationships. 

For example, if you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you learned at a young age that important people will not respond appropriately to your needs.  As an adult, you may find yourself in similar relationships that confirm the belief formed early on that you cannot depend on others to meet your needs, or that you are unlovable and aren’t deserving of love or care.  Unfortunately, you can then become trapped in a cycle of relationships where you expect this belief to be true, and (in self-fulfilling prophecy) reaffirm the belief.

Read the descriptions below about adult attachment styles and pay attention to if you relate to any one of them, or if you know someone who does.  You can also take this assessment online to discover your attachment style. 

Secure attachment

These individuals are confident in themselves and in their ability to be loved and cared for by those close to them.  This doesn’t mean that they are always without insecurity – in fact, it is normal for anyone to have some level of hesitation in these areas.  However, at their core, secure individuals believe they are worthy of love and trust that their loved ones will respond to their needs.  They are willing to both depend on others and can also be depended upon by others.

In relationships, securely attached individuals are interdependent.  They can separate from their partner, have their own interests, and encourage their significant other’s interests.  But they can also come back to their relationship feeling connected, loved, and supported with their partner.  They both seek and provide support to their partners, and therefore are the most satisfied.  They tend to have honesty and equality in their relationships.

Anxious (preoccupied) attachment

Anxiously attached individuals long to be loved and worry consistently that they are not.  They become frustrated and angry when their attachment needs aren’t met in their primary relationships, and will attempt to create intimacy when they are feeling this way. Sadly, this often backfires. 

In relationships, anxiously attached individuals are over-dependent. They believe their partner will “complete” them.  They hold to the fantasy that finding a significant other to love them will solve their problems and make their lives better.  This isn’t real love, but an obsession fueled by fantasy.  Rushing into relationships, these individuals don’t allow enough time to build real trust, but instead create a false sense of security with their partner   Love addicts tend to fall into this category.  They desire to be very close, cling to their partners for safety and security, and crave reassurance that they are loved.  Unfortunately, this often causes their partners to withdraw, creating a vicious cycle that reaffirms their beliefs in their own flawed nature and inability to be loved.

Avoidant (dismissing-avoidant) attachment

Those with avoidant attachment styles struggle with the intimacy required for close relationships, preferring to be on their own without any others depending on them.  They dismiss the need for close relationships, having used that behavior to cope with early childhood experiences where they were responsible for caregivers’ emotional needs and learned to deny or shut down their own as a result.  In fact, shutting down emotionally became an adaptive way of protecting themselves.

In relationships, these individuals prefer to be independent, creating emotional distance between themselves and their partners, often as a way to protect against smothering or feeling consumed by their partner.  They learned that the way to get their needs met is to pretend to have no needs.  This can easily detach from relationships because of lack of consideration for their importance.  Sex addiction is more common in these individuals.

Fearful-avoidant attachment

Fearful-avoidant individuals have a strong sense of ambivalence about their relationships, switching between feeling anxious about losing their loved one and avoidance of emotional closeness.  They have difficulty managing their overwhelming emotions.  You might see this type as chaotic and unpredictable, and even they feel confused by the near-constant attempts to balance just the right amount of closeness with someone. 

Often this stems from a caregiver who was too close, enmeshed, or smothering with the child.  They desired to go to their caregivers to get their needs met, but may have received a negative response when they reached out. In relationships, fearful-avoidant individuals exist on a roller-coaster of drama and intensity.  They are both fearful of being abandoned and fearful of experiencing true intimacy with another person. 

Adult Attachment Styles in Relationships

As mentioned earlier, it is common for anxious and avoidant individuals to be drawn to one another and create a cycle of disappointment.  In some ways, being with a partner that reinforces childhood beliefs about the dependability of a caregiver feels familiar and therefore attractive.  While it is better for both to build a relationship with a securely attached individual, those relationships often contain less intensity, which both the anxious and avoidant crave.

Fortunately, your adult attachment style is not a permanent death sentence for your love life.  Understanding your natural tendency in attachment helps you to be aware of it when going into relationships.  It can also be changed by “learned” attachment with corrective experiences in your romantic relationship and/or friendships, relationships in therapy, and other important people in your life.  Being close to a responsive and kind individual can go a long way toward changing the dynamics of insecure attachment in adulthood.

Additional Resources

If you’re interested in learning more about attachment theory, check out these resources:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller

• Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong (According to Johann Hari)

What is the first thing that comes into your mind when you hear the word addict?

“Why can’t they just stop?  All addicts are a lost cause.  Rehab doesn’t help.  They don’t take responsibility for themselves.  Anything I do to help them just enables them to keep going back to their addiction.”

Let’s take that a step further – what about a sex and love addict?

“There must be something wrong with them.  They’re a danger to my children.  They’re dirty, perverted, immoral, disgusting, or (fill-in-the-blank with the derogatory term of your choice).”

When we look at these cruel stereotypes, the conclusion made by many is to avoid those who struggle with addiction, or heap shame on them for their behaviors.  Even worse, if you are an addict, you may believe these words to be true of yourself, which can add fuel to the fire of loneliness and shame that feeds the addictive cycle.

Here’s the problem with these beliefs: in many ways, they only cause the individual who struggles with addiction to withdraw and become more isolated from resources that can help.

In the Ted Talk below, Johann Hari speaks about research that turns our view of addiction upside down.  He connects the human need to connect as a motivating factor both in addiction and in recovery and treatment.  He states:

“Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond. When we’re happy and healthy, we bond and connect with each other. But if you can’t do that because you’re traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief.”

Sex and love addiction works in much the same way.  Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the field of sex and love addiction, categorizes addiction as an intimacy disorder.  In effect, sex and love addiction is both caused by and perpetuates experiences of isolation, loneliness, and poor experiences in relationships.  The addiction itself creates more isolation, and shaming words or beliefs about the addict can make freedom or recovery feel impossible.

“A core part of addiction…is not being able to bear to be present in your own life.”

Whether you struggle with addiction yourself, or you know someone else who does, take some time to watch the video below and hear more about how we might approach treating addiction differently.

“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety.  The opposite of addiction is connection.”