Surrender to the Process: Task 3 in Carnes’ 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

A common struggle for addicts entering recovery is the tug-of-war of their desires: wanting to stop acting out while still feeling a pull toward addictive behaviors.  Early in recovery, there’s often an expectation from yourself or from a spouse or loved one to change instantaneously.  And at the beginning, that can feel possible: after discovery or disclosure of addiction, you might have an immediate sense of disgust or distaste for the addiction that fuels sobriety. But with time, that initial emotional response subsides, and the addiction can easily come back when the underlying roots of the problem are still hidden.

One of these underlying roots is a sense of control: a belief that you can force yourself to stop your addictive behaviors, you are in control of your own recovery, and you can pick and choose what you do to get better.  Notice, however, that one of the hallmarks of addiction is repeated attempts to stop without success.  Often early attempts to stop are half-hearted, done in isolation, or not informed by recovery principles. 

The momentary willingness that comes after disclosure or discovery will not turn into long-term sobriety unless there is a recognition that past attempts to control don’t work.  Unless there is a true surrender of control, change will not last.

Surrender to the Process vs. Attempts to Control

What is Surrender?

Surrender is a recognition of the reality that you do not have the power to get better from your addiction on your own or by manipulating or controlling your recovery.  This ties into 12 Step work and breaking through denial as you recognize your own powerlessness and unmanageability.

Surrender acknowledges that the attempts you’ve made to change have been futile.  Often, this is because they are done by yourself without the support or accountability of others.  Or because you approach recovery in a piecemeal fashion, only choosing to do some things and leaving behind necessary tasks for your recovery that stir up discomfort.  Or you may be still on the fence about recovery in general.

What is Control?

Control happens when we believe that we are not powerless and that we can do the work of recovery on our own.  This often leads to white-knuckling, a term that refers to forcing yourself to stop acting out behaviors by sheer willpower.  The term “dry drunk” refers to someone who may not be acting out in their addiction, but hasn’t addressed the underlying root causes of the addiction to create lasting, holistic life change because they are still seeking control. 

Control can be obvious, as in some of the examples above, but it can also show up in subtle ways.  When you are only doing some of the work of recovery and ignoring putting into practice that which makes you feel uncomfortable, you are exercising your own control.  Control shows up in comparing yourself to others in recovery, seeing yourself as better or more capable than them.  Thoughts like “if I just do better, then it will all be fine,” are denial statements that foster this sense of control, but then lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, or self-hatred when you cannot follow through on change.  Another indicator is a lack of willingness to rely on others for support or help through the process, meaning you aren’t attending meetings, don’t have a sponsor, and have no accountability with other group members.

Characteristics of Surrender

Surrender requires you to be uncomfortable.  When you’re surrendering to the process of recovery, you will feel discomfort with some of what you are tasked to do.  You might not like some of the early restrictions or accountability you need to put in place, like an internet blocker, location tracking app, or daily accountability with a sponsor.  But remember that picking and choosing what you feel comfortable with in recovery is a setup for slips and relapse.

Surrender releases anxiety to experience peace.  When you are attempting to stay in control, you put incredible pressure on yourself to change on your own, followed by devastating shame when you inevitably fail.  If you choose to surrender to the process, you can experience the peace of knowing that you aren’t alone and help is available. 

Surrender requires that you say no.  You will need to learn what your limits are in recovery.   We like to think that we can do everything we want and resist temptation to act out in addiction, but this isn’t true. One of the ways denial perpetuates addiction is to tell you that you should “test your strength” or “test your resolve” by putting yourself in risky situations. But this is another form of ritual and preparation for acting out.  You need to identify appropriate boundaries and restrictions early on to set yourself up for success.  Addicts are notoriously bad at boundaries – that’s part of the addiction – so surrendering to boundaries that others help you identify or that have been tenets of the 12 Step recovery process are necessary. 

The Spiritual Nature of Surrender

If we can’t do recovery on our own, then what does that mean? Who can do it for us?

Surrender is a spiritual discipline.  Recognizing the role of God in this process is essential.  In 12 Step, incorporating God or your Higher Power involves recognizing something bigger than yourself that is guiding you toward health, because your self isn’t cutting it.  Step Two and Step Three of the 12 Step program dig into this exploration in more detail. 

Surrender to God or a Higher Power can be a tricky endeavor for those whose views of God are complicated, who have difficulty trusting in God, or who don’t believe God has the power to create change.  These roadblocks are worth working out in the context of your 12 Step group or with your sponsor.  At the bare minimum, believing that there is something outside of yourself that will guide you through recovery, even if it is as simple as the 12 Step process or your work with a sponsor, gives you a good place to start.

Practical Steps for Task 3

Ask for help.

The easiest way to recognize surrender in someone is their willingness to no longer tackle the addiction on their own, but to actively seek out help from others.  This can come in the form of joining a 12 Step group, therapy group, support group, or going to counseling.  Take it a step further by connecting with a sponsor or other group members for contact outside of the group.  Recognize that asking for help requires vulnerability and openness: you need to share the realities of your addiction openly with someone rather than offering partial information.

Identify your Higher Power.

This can be the God of the Bible if you are a Christian believer, or can have a foundation from your religious background.  If you chafe at the idea of religion, you may choose the 12 Step group, people who have gone before you in recovery, recovery itself, or a particular value you hold like love or compassion.  Again, seek to identify something bigger than yourself and have conversations with others in the program to open yourself up to faith and be curious about this process. 

Name denial-based roadblocks.

Denial in your thoughts can be a major factor that keeps you in control and prevents you from offering full surrender.  When you look at the subtle types of control listed above, do you identify with any of them?  Make a list of the denial statements that are most common to you that fuel these attempts to control.  They can include thoughts like, “I don’t need to do that,” “I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “other people might need 12 Step, but I don’t.” 

Now consider: what have you tried before in terms of your recovery?  How successful was it?  Is your denial telling you the truth or not?  Look also at what beliefs might be causing you to resist placing trust in your Higher Power or in the support of others.

Grieve the losses associated with surrender.

Surrendering addiction is hard, often because it can feel like you’re giving up the only coping mechanism you have available when stress or other painful emotions arise.  There are aspects of addiction that were appealing or pleasurable to you, and you will need to let go of them.  It also may require you to let go of the belief that you are in control or that you are capable of stopping on your own.  Surrender is a process of letting go.

Remind yourself of your commitment.

When you choose to surrender, it is not a one-and-done moment.  Surrender is a daily practice.  Repeatedly remember your commitment to surrender through a daily reminder, as with a spiritual practice like prayer, journaling, or meditation.  You might choose a mantra or repeated phrase like, “I can’t, but God can,” or “I choose to surrender to the process of recovery.”  Use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Regularly reinforce this commitment through the support of a church or religious community.

Invite others to help with boundary-setting.

As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding and implementation of healthy boundaries is a characteristic of addiction.  Recovery requires going back to basics with boundaries.  Sit down with your sponsor and talk about your limits and what you should say no to in early recovery, even if you don’t want to.  Get specific and honest here about what you truly need.  Your sponsor will help you explore which triggers are in your control and those you can’t control to help you adapt your boundaries accordingly.  Talk to others in your group with similar acting out behaviors about what boundaries they found effective in early recovery and choose to adopt some of theirs if they strike a chord in you.  Read stories of those who have been successful in recovery, many of which can be found in the foundational text of your 12 Step fellowship, and imitate some of the changes they made if they are relevant to you.

Using the New Year as a Springboard for Recovery

For many of us, a new year represents a new beginning.  The practice of making resolutions reflects this energy surrounding the vision of a fresh start.  One calendar year ending and another beginning creates a natural moment for a reset, a time when we’re encouraged to pause and reflect on the progress of our lives. 

Whether you participate in setting resolutions or not, this fresh start may be just the push you need to commit (or re-commit) to your addiction recovery.  For those who battle sex and love addiction, the holidays leading up to New Year’s can be rife with triggers and reminders of pain. You may have coped by using addictive behaviors to self-medicate and had a relapse.  Use this as an opportunity to learn and start out fresh as you begin your new year. 

How to Make a Fresh Start in Addiction Recovery

Tell someone.

For those of you who are aware that you have a problem and aren’t quite sure what to do about it, the first step is to let someone else in to your struggle.  Typically, you’ve made attempts to stop on your own, but you realize how isolating addiction can be. This feels like the scariest step, as it involves a high level of vulnerability. 

Often it can be challenging to start out by sharing with our friends or family members, so it may be helpful to consider someone like a therapist or 12 Step group member to share with for your first time. Consider safe people in your life who will offer you love and acceptance when you share with them.

Go to your first 12 Step meeting.

Along with telling someone, beginning to attend 12 Step meetings and receive support are essential first steps in recovery.  A meeting may even be the first place you choose to share about your struggle. 

Most people feel fear or anxiety about attending a 12 Step meeting for the first time.  You might be thinking, What if I see someone I know there? or I’m not as bad as these people, I don’t need to go to these meetings.  I’ve noticed in my practice that involvement in 12 Step has been a game-changer for so many people in finding supportive community and a place where they can talk about their struggles with people who get it.

Search in your area for 12 Step meetings on their respective websites.  For sex and love addicts, I’d recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  In-person meetings are the best, but if there isn’t a local meeting in your area, you can also participate in online or phone meetings.  Take the leap.  It’s worth it. 

Seek out counseling.

Some can recover from addiction without ever setting foot in a counseling office.  But for many, counseling is an essential part of their recovery plan.  The additional support of specialized counseling for sex and love addiction can help you remain focused on your recovery goals.  It also gives you one person you know who will hold you accountable for your behaviors. 

Often addicts have no clue why they do what they do: it feels like they’re on autopilot.  If you resonate with that, counseling can help you explore the motivations and reasons behind your destructive behaviors and explore other options.  Addiction is also associated with past experiences of trauma, and counseling provides a space to explore healing from that trauma.

Get a sponsor.

For the same reason that having a counselor is incredibly impactful to recovery, having a sponsor is essential to success in a 12 Step program.  You need someone who can mentor you through the experience, guide you through the 12 Steps, offer accountability and support when you’re tempted to return to your addiction, or just be there on a consistent basis.

Often, connecting with a sponsor gives you a built-in pathway to community with the larger 12 Step network.  It is recommended that sponsors have at least one year of sobriety and have worked through the 12 Steps.  In order to achieve that, your sponsor likely has built relationships within the community.  He or she can connect you to those others and build a stronger foundation of relationships to support you on your path to recovery.

Do your First Step.

Working your way through the 12 Steps is a proven path to recovery.  12 Step programs wouldn’t be as popular or as recommended as they are if they didn’t actually work.  Commit to your own personal work through the program by starting at the beginning.

In the First Step, you are encouraged to admit your powerlessness over your addiction and your inability to manage it on your own.  This is a constant reminder of the humility every addict needs to keep them on track for recovery.  Even if you’ve worked through your First Step before, starting out a new year returning to the foundation of the 12 Step process can remind you of your need for the program in a new way. 

Begin working toward formal disclosure with your partner.

If you’ve been procrastinating on completing a formal disclosure, that makes sense.  Disclosure is a challenging process of becoming completely honest with your partner about your addictive behaviors.  However, complete honesty and integrity is the only way to build the foundation of your relationship and create trust with your partner.

Talk with your counselor about disclosure.  Begin by putting together a timeline of your addiction, including any changes, escalation, or attempts to stop.  Seek out a CSAT-certified therapist to walk you through the disclosure process, if you aren’t already working with one.

Offer service to others.

Step Twelve involves choosing to share your time or energy with others who are in recovery, which can serve multiple purposes.  First, it can redirect your focus from yourself and your own struggles to helping others.  Second, it can keep you accountable: if you’ve volunteered to help out at a meeting, you’re responsible for carrying out what you said you would do.  Third, helping others creates connection and community, as you interact with others while you’re helping.

Offer to run a meeting, set up chairs, or be a phone contact for a new member of your 12 Step group.  Share your First Step at a meeting so those who are new to your group can feel less alone.  If you’ve been in solid recovery for at least one year and have your own sponsor, consider becoming a sponsor to someone else and passing what you’ve learned along.

Facing Your Powerlessness in Addiction Recovery

The First Step of any 12 Step program requires you to admit your powerlessness over your drug of choice.  This shows that admitting powerlessness is a foundational component of seeking healing.  Why is that?

Have you ever heard the term “dry drunk”?  It refers to an alcoholic who hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but hasn’t admitted to their own powerlessness over the addiction.  They may not be drinking anymore, but the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that got them into alcoholism in the first place haven’t changed.  Getting sober this way sets you up for relapse because the deeper causes and reasons for your addiction aren’t being addressed, they’re just being avoided. Recovery is a multifaceted approach to addressing addiction that requires serious life reflection and commitment to change.

You cannot heal from addiction independent from the support of others, God, and the tools of recovery.  Thinking you ought to have power over your addiction is like thinking you can tough your way through a major illness: there are biological realities at play in addiction with which you need to contend.  Believing you have control over your addiction shows pride in thinking you can handle it all on your own.  It also shows a lack of recognition of the role of God, or a Power higher than yourself, as the power you need to rely on to draw you out of powerlessness against addiction.

What is powerlessness?

To recognize powerlessness over your addiction is to face the reality that you don’t have the self-control, discipline, or power to stop your addiction on your own. Usually this is highlighted by continuing addictive behaviors despite (sometimes severe) consequences for your actions.  Maybe you’ve violated your personal values in your addiction, or you’ve gone further or deeper than you expected you would.  You recognize that none of your efforts to stop have truly worked, and that the addiction has caused destruction and chaos in your life.

Admitting powerlessness requires getting honest with yourself about reality, instead of the “stinkin’ thinkin’” (delusion and denial) that enables your addiction.  It involves realizing that your attempts at self-control are not cutting it, and that you need to rely on others to support you in gaining discipline and control. 

It may seem like admitting powerlessness is giving up, but the exact opposite is true.  Powerlessness isn’t meant to lead to hopelessness, but rather to a greater sense of hope and agency in your life.  Recognizing this powerlessness over addiction is not the same as saying you have no power to create change in your life.  Instead, it means that the way out of your addiction requires you to rely on the support of other people, God, and the time-tested tool of recovery as lifelines to pull you out of the raging sea of addiction. 

As you ask yourself whether or not you’re recognizing your own powerlessness, there are a few different phrases or ways of thinking to notice.  Pay attention to the statements below that sound familiar to you. 

Overt Denial of Powerlessness

“I can stop anytime I want.”

This belief assumes that you have enough power over your addictive behaviors to stop.  It denies the reality of all the other unsuccessful attempts you’ve made to stop as a result of major consequences.

“I can handle this on my own.”

Relying on your own independent attempts to control your behavior has likely led to more failure than success in the past.  Believing you have enough power to stop on your own feeds isolation and pride, both of which are fuel for continuing in addiction.

“Maybe they need help, but I’m different.”

Often when you attend your first 12 Step meeting or read stories about others’ addictions, this thought can cross your mind.  But this assumption of uniqueness minimizes the impact of your current addiction on yourself and others.

Subtle Denial of Powerlessness

While the statements above might be obvious refusals of powerlessness, you might more readily identify with some of the subtle ways denial can creep in. 

“I should be able to stop this behavior.”  “I just have to be better/do better.”

A foundational truth in recovery is that you cannot stop or do better on your own.  This belief assumes that you should be able to do recovery by yourself instead of relying on the support of other people.  It forgets the unsuccessful efforts you’ve made to stop in the past, even though many of them came out of a place of trying to do better. 

“I need to punish myself to make myself stop.”

You might have this thought if you come from a family background that was rigid, with strict rules and no tolerance for mistakes.  It is linked to a shame-based identity or view of self as fundamentally flawed or bad at the core.  Physical punishment, deprivation, social withdrawal, or any other way of punishing yourself increases feelings of despair and hopelessness.  And since addictive behaviors are the primary way you cope with distress and pain, you’ll return to those in a heartbeat.

“If I can just get my life in order, I’ll be fine.”

Constantly attempting to get your life under control when you are living in chaos is fruitless.  The addiction has worn away at your self-control and self-discipline.  You need to learn those skills anew through the tested work of recovery before you’ll be able to apply them to other areas of your life.

“If I can just get through this difficult circumstance, I’ll be fine.”

Depending on circumstances to change for things to get better will mean that you’re waiting forever, because there will always be another distressing circumstance that can be used as a reason for not moving forward.  This mindset also leaves your life up to chance, rather than leading you to take ownership of what you do have control over: yourself.

“It’s not a big deal if I skip my meeting/sponsor call/support group/therapy session, etc.”

Minimizing the importance of these consistent practices of recovery is a recipe for slipping back into addiction.  One skip becomes two, which becomes five, and before you know it you’ve gone months without receiving the support you need for your recovery.

“If I can’t do everything, it’s not worth doing anything.”

Alternatively, you might feel overwhelmed by the idea of taking on all the work of recovery.  You might beat yourself up for missing a meeting or having a slip and then throw out all your other positive, recovery-based practices with it.  Don’t set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection, because perfection in this process is impossible.

“I had a slip/relapse, which means I’m back at square one.”

Slips and relapse are part of the normal trajectory of recovery.  To say they bring you back to square one dismisses the work you’ve done so far in your recovery journey.  See slips as a learning opportunity.  Use them to learn about additional supports you need, the needs or desires that drove you to act out, or catalysts or triggers that create more temptation.

“I’ll never get better.  I’m a lost cause.”

You assume that the process that has helped thousands of others won’t work for you.  It presumes your own uniqueness or difference, as referenced earlier.  Submit yourself to the process of recovery and allow yourself the gift of patience while you wait for it to take hold.

The Language of Powerlessness

What is the more accurate way of looking at your process in recovery, in light of powerlessness?  Choose statements from the list below to combat the mistaken or faulty beliefs you’ve identified from the overt or subtle ways of denying your own powerlessness above.  Alternatively, you can use this entire list as a daily affirmation to support you in your recovery. 

“I need to surrender to God/my Higher Power.”

“I need support and accountability to get better, and I can find that in my support group/12 Step group/with my therapist, etc.”

“I am unable to stop this behavior without the tools of recovery.”

“There is a proven path to recovery that I can rely on to move forward.  It works if I work it.”

“When I don’t know what to do, I can ask for help.”

“I am able to make small, manageable choices toward recovery today.”

“I am seeking progress, not perfection.”

“There is no better day than today to start or re-commit to my recovery.”

“I can handle this one day at a time.”

Willingness in Recovery: What To Do When You Don’t Want to Stop Acting Out in Sex and Love Addiction

In recovery circles, willingness to change is a necessary part of leaving behind destructive patterns of sex and love addiction to experience freedom.  Sometimes willingness comes easily.  For example, if you are married and your spouse discovers your addiction, that often creates a push to change as you work to heal your relationship.  You may be experiencing real consequences of your addiction, like an arrest or the dissolution of friendships.  Or you’re early in the process of recovery and motivated to put in the hard work of change.

But as time goes on, you might notice your willingness fading.  You might miss the dopamine rush you got when you were acting out.  Or you’ve ended your relationship with your partner, which removes that motivation to change.  Perhaps you’re feeling shame about your behaviors, and the easiest way you know how to self-medicate shame is with more acting out.

Maybe you relapse, getting caught back up in the cycle of acting out.  Perhaps the boundaries you know you need to put in place to help you along the path to recovery seem way too hard to implement. 

You could be struggling with the cost of recovery, recognizing the extent to which your life may have to change.  Sometimes the work involved in the process recovery leads to a feeling of weariness and a desire to just give up. 

Regardless of reason, it is common to see willingness ebb and flow in the process of recovery.  Instead of viewing your lack of willingness or motivation to change as a death knell to your recovery work, use this opportunity to learn more about yourself and lean in to practices that will help you stick with recovery even when it becomes challenging.

As a note: these recommendations are specific to sex and love addiction.  There are likely different, more targeted recommendations for addictions that involve a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.  If you are dealing with those addictions, reach out to 12 Step resources and specialized counseling or treatment centers to get guidance on how to address willingness in that area. 

What to Do

Remind yourself of your vision for your future.

It can be a challenge to find hope when you’re stuck in the (often devastating) consequences of your acting out behaviors.  Define for yourself what a recovered life could look like.  Even if you never achieve this, what would be the ideal?  Why did you choose recovery in the first place?  What could life be like when you are free of your addictive behaviors? 

Use this vision to help you identify what you’d like your life to look like in 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year.  Breaking down those goals into more manageable time frames can help you make concrete goals or plans for what’s right in front of you.

Target your denial.

Your unwillingness to change often finds support from denying the impact of your behaviors.  This denial often comes in the form of distorted thinking patterns.  I often call this process “addict thinking” versus “rational thinking.”  When you’re acting out in addiction, the rational, healthy component of your brain goes offline. Instead, the addict part of you is at work trying to persuade you that your addictive behaviors are not only okay, but good for you.

Identify the “voice” of your addict part of yourself by writing down the statements of denial that are most common for you.  They might include words such as:

• “It’s not hurting anyone.”

• “I only do it because my spouse isn’t meeting my sexual needs.”

• “I deserve this.”

Then, when you have some space from your acting out behaviors, sit down and write responses from the point of view of your rational brain to address those denial statements with facts.  Come back to these responses when you’re tempted to act out and remind yourself of truth about your behaviors.  To the above comments, you might respond:

• “Addiction hurts my spouse, my children, and most importantly, myself.  I lose control over myself and expose myself to further and more dangerous consequences.”

• “My addiction is how I shortcut my way to a dissatisfying false intimacy instead of pursuing true intimacy with my spouse.”

• “I am not entitled to harm myself or others by my actions.  My behavior promises that it will feel good, but I consistently end up feeling miserable afterward.”

Be patient with yourself.

Acknowledge that this process takes time.  Consider climbing a mountain: when you begin at the bottom, it is obvious that you have a long way to go to get to the top.  As you climb and begin to grow weary, it can be easy to get distracted by how much further you have to go.  You might look up at the summit and get discouraged by the time it will take you to reach the top.  Instead, focus on the step right in front of you.  In 12 Step terminology, this is taking “one day at a time.”

Recognize that recovery is a lifestyle change, not a one-time experience; a marathon, not a sprint. But the rewards of a recovered life will make every step worth it.

Stay committed to your recovery plan.

If you’ve been in recovery for any length of time, you probably have been participating in some recovery-related activities and have potentially even made a plan for how to best address your addiction.  Even if you’re currently acting out, continue to engage in these recovery behaviors. 

If your plan was to go to 12 Step meetings regularly, keep going to your meetings.  Meet with your sponsor.  Make calls to others in recovery.  Keep attending therapy or support group.  Use the principle of “fake it til you make it” until your recovery behaviors begin to shape and mold your thoughts and emotions.  This will eventually create motivation to change if you give it time.

Do the bare minimum.

If you’ve already gotten out of the routine of your recovery plan, it might seem challenging to get back into the habit.  When commitment to recovery feels overwhelming and too much, focus instead on one practical step you can take right now.  (Remember the mountain metaphor.) 

Make one call to a supportive friend.  Schedule an appointment with your therapist or sponsor.  Read a chapter in a recovery-related book.  Practice a small act of self-care – eating a healthy meal, going to sleep early, getting outside for a walk.  Any of these small steps can have a huge impact over the long haul. 

Focus on recovery, not sobriety.

It’s common early in recovery to find yourself focusing only on sobriety and “white-knuckling”, attempting to force yourself to stop by your own willpower.  This usually is accompanied by a lack of commitment to the whole-life change required in recovery.

What’s the difference?  Recovery is a holistic process - much of your life must change.  Sobriety is one part of that, but it is not all of it.  Attempting to keep your life exactly the same and get sober is a recipe for failure, because likely some of what you were doing in daily life contributed to your desire to act out.  Focusing on sobriety involves only focusing on what you can’t do, while recovery shifts that focus to what you can do. 

Focusing only on sobriety leads to beating yourself up about failing when you inevitably slip or relapse.  Rather than placing so much of your identity and hope on sobriety, place that relapse or slip under the context of recovery and see what you can learn from it.  Sobriety is categorized by shame; recovery is categorized by hope.

Ask God for willingness.

The 12 Steps are built around reliance on a Higher Power to do the work of creating change in you, recognizing you are incapable of creating that willingness to change on your own.  Speaking from a Christian worldview, we are told in the Bible that it is God who works in us to will and act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).  Ask God to help you with this process. Invite the Holy Spirit to do a transforming work in your heart.

Remember the message of grace here: that if you are in Christ, you are no longer condemned (Romans 8:1) and you are set free (Galatians 5:1), and if you invite God in, He will do a healing work in you and transform your willingness.

Know that you can’t do this alone.

In addition to having the support and help of God, it is essential to have the support of other people to help you make these changes.  Social support is one of the most important factors in any addiction recovery.

Reach out to the people you know who are in recovery circles or who you trust are safe for you.  If you don’t know who those people are, now is a good time to find them.  Start by attending a 12 Step meeting, support group, or counseling session and connect with supportive people who can help you along your path to recovery.

The Evolving Nature of Addiction Recovery: How to Keep Growing After Getting Sober

You’ve made it past the early stages of recovery.  Crisis mode has passed. You’re no longer just trying to get sober and understand your addiction.  You have a recovery plan in place.  Maybe you’ve achieved a major milestone, like a year of sobriety.  Or perhaps you’ve completed your 12 Steps.  You feel confident in yourself and your progress.  But you also might be wondering: what now?

Focusing on recovery as a lifestyle rather than as a one-time event is crucial once you’ve made it past the initial crisis of establishing sobriety.  The 12 Step model encourages you to go over the steps repeatedly for that reason.  Similarly, Patrick Carnes has developed a 30 Task Model, of which only the first seven steps are related to the beginning tasks of getting sober and understanding your addiction.  The later steps go on to making greater, long-term changes in your life.

Assess your progress.

Acknowledge where you are in the 12 Steps.

If you haven’t yet completed the 12 Steps, this is a good place to start.  Review which of these steps you have not yet fully completed.  There are certain steps, like Step Four and Steps Eight and Nine, that are particularly difficult because they require time and effort.  Making amends and learning how to forgive are challenging but necessary steps in this process.

Ask your sponsor, recovery friends, or support group for feedback.

The people who have supported your recovery work so far likely know you and your recovery best.  If asked, they may be willing to suggest a few options based on their experience of you.

Maybe you are letting things slip now that you’re feeling better.  You aren’t attending meetings or your support group as frequently, or you’re neglecting to reach out to people who are supporting your recovery.  Your self-care may be lacking.  The people who have been in your corner thus far will notice these things and give feedback.

If you don’t have a sponsor or anyone to ask, then getting a sponsor, building more deeply into recovery relationships, or joining a support group needs to be your next step.

Go back over your first step.

As you review your first step, see if you can add any additional information, now that you have more knowledge of addiction.  Identify factors (seemingly) unrelated to your addiction that may have been exacerbating the problem.  Challenges such as arguments with spouse, parenting difficulties, or overworking can be patterns that you’re likely to continue unless they are addressed.

Pinpoint other addictions.

Do you noticed any other addictive patterns in your life?  It is common to replace one addictive behavior with another: drinking copious amounts of coffee for the caffeine high when you’re recovering from alcoholism; using shopping or overworking as a way to cope with the stress of letting go of sex and love addiction.  This can be another way to self-medicate and avoid the tougher tasks of recovery.  Have you replaced one “drama” with another?

Check on the status of intimacy in your relationships.

Recovery requires creating healthy intimacy in relationships with yourself, your friends, and your significant other.  Healthy intimacy is not limited to sexual intimacy: instead, it means learning how to be vulnerable and connected to people without being held back by fear.  This starts with learning to be vulnerable and connected to yourself: recognizing your emotions, accepting your experience, and addressing your critical self-talk.

Identify any losses you have not yet grieved.

Often addiction comes from numbing out and escaping from feelings of loss or pain.  Therefore, avoiding the grieving process might have fueled your addiction.  Also, leaving the addiction behind is its own grieving process.  Identify areas where you might have unresolved grief or pain that needs to be processed.

It also might be time, now that you have more mental and emotional space, to begin to address some of the deeper issues that led you to addiction in the first place.  You may have early trauma in your past that led to negative core beliefs about your worth or value that have lingered.  It might involve destructive patterns in relationship with your spouse or friends that need a more major overhaul.

Recognize any additional amends that need to be made.

Incorporated into the 12 Steps is a requirement to make amends for past wrongs or failures toward others.  Making amends can be a one-time act in some cases, particularly for those with whom you have little interaction.  If you are married or in a long-term relationship, however, amends is an ongoing process.  Working with your partner on rebuilding trust is a goal that can propel you forward into living amends with them.

How to Take Action

Create or revisit your Personal Craziness Index (PCI).

The Personal Craziness Index is a tracking tool designed by Patrick Carnes and outlined in his book Facing the Shadow that can help you identify signs that you’re slipping away from living into your recovery.  Becoming conscious of the factors that are contributing to or taking away from your recovery over a period of 12 weeks can give you an idea of goals to be working toward.

Experiment with healthy intimacy.

Once you are able to connect with your own emotions and experience, then you can work on becoming intimate in more healthy ways in your friendships.  Choosing vulnerability in relationships is a strong way to foster connection, as Brené Brown suggests.  Look for opportunities to grow in intimacy, and ask for feedback from those with whom you are in relationship.

Do trauma work in therapy.

If you are working with an individual therapist, now might be the time to transition to processing past trauma.  There are several methods of trauma processing that are effective, but I personally am a fan of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or EMDR.

You might be wondering what trauma to focus on processing first.  If this is the case, I’d recommend working on a trauma egg, which is a tool to help you make sense of the impact of your family-of-origin and other influences on your experiences of past trauma.

Actively grieve losses.

Write a psalm of lament.  Write a letter to the person, item, dream, or ideal that was lost.  Identify what you’ve missed about the loss.  Consider what you’ve gained from the experience of walking through loss.

Shift your focus to a new area of growth.

After establishing sobriety and having more mental and emotional space, you might find that you need to focus on improving communication in your marriage, creating stronger friendships, growing in parenting skills, or dealing with workplace issues.

Once you identify which of these areas still needs work, make this a focus of your growth.  Go to marriage counseling if you’re wanting to restore your marriage.  If you’re looking to build more relationships outside of your 12 Step group, join a club or group at your church or in your town.  Work with your child’s teachers to help you grow as a parent.  If you’re dissatisfied with your career, consider career counseling or switching your job.

Targeting Sobriety in Addiction Recovery: How to Make a Three Circle Plan

When a sex and love addict comes to the realization that they need help to stay sober, it can be a mystery of what to do next.  By the time you’ve humbled yourself enough to admit you’re powerless, usually you’ve already tried to stop your behavior several times.  This can take the form of forcing yourself not to act out, through white-knuckling, attempting aversion techniques, or even sometimes using self-harm as a deterrent.

But if you’ve been in this cycle of trying to stop on your own, you often find that you can’t help but go back to your addiction. The foundation of addiction is isolation, secrecy, and shame.  You likely deal with feelings of shame by acting out, which cycles back in on itself to create more shame as you wonder why you can’t just stop.

What needs to change?

The first step in true healing for any addict is to get support from other people, such as in a 12 Step or support group.  These groups encourage creating a sobriety plan as part of your recovery. 

I often recommend the three-circle plan as a helpful sobriety tool to identify the behaviors you want to avoid and healthy self-care behaviors to increase.  Not only does this plan provide that, but it also allows you to identify risk factors or warning signs of acting out.

The Three-Circle Plan

The image of a three-circle plan is three concentric circles.  The inner circle is the list of behaviors from which you’re trying to maintain sobriety.  The middle circle is your boundaries list, or a list of the risk factors, warning signs, or triggers that might send you into your inner circle.  The outer circle involves healthy self-care behaviors that you can increase to help you avoid addictive behaviors. 

Inner Circle Behaviors

Your inner circle behaviors, or abstinence list, is the list of activities from which you want to achieve sobriety in your recovery.  These are the behavior checks you’d share at your 12 Step meetings or with your sponsor as a regular way to hold yourself accountable.  For example, if you primarily act out using pornography, you will put “pornography” in this circle.  If you have had several affairs, prohibiting “contact with acting out partners” may be more appropriate. 

If you’re aware of your cycle of addiction, you know that there are some behaviors that inevitably lead to acting out for you.  While these might eventually end up in the middle circle, it may be wise to put them in your inner circle in early recovery and revisit them once you’ve achieved some more solid sobriety. 

There will be some behaviors you are hesitant to put into this inner circle because it means you will have to give them up.  Notice the discomfort you have around those as a form of denial.  Use your support system to help keep you in check on what needs to go in this circle.

Outer Circle Behaviors

I believe it is important to make your list of healthy self-care behaviors early in recovery, so we will turn to the outer circle now.  Outer circle behaviors, or healthy self-care, are required to help you establish and maintain sobriety.  Self-care helps you cope with withdrawal from the addiction and replace acting out with activities that are more healthy and nourishing.  You can become much more sensitive to triggers when you aren’t practicing healthy self-care.

Make a list of activities you can to do take care of yourself.  This can include such activities as therapy, going to your support groups, meeting with your sponsor, and doing 12 Step work.  Focus on a few specific categories: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relational, and professional self-care.  Recall hobbies or activities that you enjoyed or always wanted to try, but you haven’t been able to because of time spent on acting out.  Think about things you used to love doing as a child and incorporate some of these into your present-day life. 

Choosing to practice healthy self-care will literally help to re-wire your brain to reduce cravings and replace desire to act out with other enjoyable activities.

Middle Circle Behaviors

I save this section for last because the middle circle can be the most complex. Determining what belongs in your middle circle requires observing behaviors to see how your unique cycle of addiction works.  Middle circle behaviors, or your “boundaries list,” are behaviors that are warning signs that you’re slipping back into your addiction.  These can be triggers that happen unexpectedly or behaviors you’re walking into that are risky for you.  Behaviors in your preoccupation/fantasy and ritual areas of cycle of addiction are often middle circle behaviors. 

Ask yourself the question: what sets me up to act out sexually?  Make a list of emotions you experience that can make you more susceptible to cravings.  In AA traditions, the acronym “HALT” is used as a reminder to check for triggers if you’re feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  I often add “bored” to this list as well.  Identify risky behaviors you might need to put some boundaries around, such as using your computer late at night or driving past the strip club you used to frequent.

What triggers do you experience in your daily life?  Common triggers include fights with a spouse, feelings of loneliness, or shame getting stirred up at work. When you find yourself experiencing triggers or engaging in the risky behaviors, it doesn’t carry the same severity of abstinence as the inner circle behaviors.  However, it does require you to take a look at what you’re doing and run in the other direction toward your outer circle behaviors, seeking greater support along the way.

Implementing and Adding to the Three Circles

In general, your goal to maintain sobriety involves moving outward: avoiding the inner circle and directing your attention and focus on the outer circle behaviors.  Notice that the outer circle is so much larger than the other two: this space allows you to put plenty of options in that circle to encourage you to live there as much as possible.

The natural slope of the addiction is to move inward instead of outward.  As you notice yourself engaging in more middle circle behaviors or experiencing more triggers, the natural tendency is to move toward inner circle behaviors as a form of coping or escaping.  However, recognition of this tendency means you now have the opportunity to lean in the other direction, focusing more on the outer circle behaviors as a healthier way to cope.

Continually add to and update this list. As you learn and grow through your recovery, keep adding self-care behaviors or coping strategies that are helpful for you.  You can never have too many outer circle behaviors.  Also, use your slips and relapse as an opportunity to learn more about your risk factors and needed boundaries.  Identify what inner circle behaviors you might need to add and new middle circle behaviors or triggers. 

Additional Resources

For more information about how the three-circle plan is used in Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), check out their pamphlet online.

Finding Your People: Social Support in Addiction and Trauma Recovery

In an early season of the television show Grey’s Anatomy, Christina, one of the main characters, has to undergo a medical procedure.  To do so, she needs to designate an emergency contact who can help her out if needed.  (If you’re a fan of the show, you know which scene I’m referring to.)  She writes down the name of Meredith, leading to an iconic phrase the show repeats through the seasons: “You’re my person.” 

We all need our “person.”  Or, in all honesty, our “people.”  We need those who can support us and help when we’re facing crisis.  But what if the biggest crisis you are facing is your own or your spouse’s struggle with sex and love addiction?

Maybe your spouse has just found you out and the behaviors you thought you could keep hidden from everyone are now coming to light.  Maybe you’re on the other side, discovering your spouse’s addiction, and you feel isolated and alone because of the shame tied to revealing his or her secret to others.  Having people to turn to and rely on when battling against sex and love addiction and trauma can be incredibly difficult, but it is essential for effective recovery.

Why is it so important?

For the Addict

We know that addiction thrives in secrecy, and accountability to others is a necessary component of maintaining sobriety.  Fear of feeling ashamed or rejected can keep you quiet.  But when you have people who know, they are more likely to hold you accountable for your actions because you’ll have to talk with them about it.  Honesty with your therapist is a great place to start, but you’ll also need to talk to people you can access more easily when you’re experiencing craving or wanting to act out. 

Speaking up about your addiction releases you from shame, paradoxically enough.  When you hear others’ stories and find similarities with their experience, you know experientially that you’re not alone.  Addiction is isolating because you can feel as though you’re the only one who struggles, and yet knowing others’ stories helps you rely on them for reassurance and validation when shame threatens to take over.

Talking to other individuals who have struggled in this area can be a helpful way to get feedback on what’s worked for them in their recovery.  When you’re on your own, it’s difficult to know how to stop.  But you can learn so much from people in recovery and notice your experience change as you integrate that new information.

For the Partner

Partners of sex and love addicts need to break through the feelings of isolation that come with discovery of a spouse’s addiction.  The pain and agony of finding out can lead to feelings of sadness, anger, grief, fear, and hurt.  These can be overwhelming when experienced on your own.  You might feel guilt or fear about sharing about your spouse’s addiction with others because of how it reflects on you or your self-esteem.  And yet you need to find a place where people can support you and help you not to feel so alone on this side of the trauma.

This support also allows you to have accountability for self-care and boundary setting.  Sometimes hearing from others about their experiences setting boundaries with their addicted spouse can help you have a better picture of what boundaries feel right for you.  These people can also connect with you if you’re having a hard day, listening to your difficult emotions or even offering practical help like taking care of your children.  Talking to others can remind you of your right to stand up for yourself, give yourself a voice, and practice self-care.

Another reason for connection is to find a safe place for yourself.  Lack of safety and stability in the home is a symptom that crops up often for partners in the wake of addiction.  Triggers can send your mood swinging back and forth as you relive the past years of your life in light of the addiction.  Finding a place where you can be with a friend or group on a regular basis can ease that burden by providing a consistent safe space in your life.

For Both

Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder often related to attachment wounds from earlier on in life.  Partners in trauma may also experience triggers related to their attachment style.

Attachment is a word that describes your experiences with caregivers at a young age.  These early attachments influence how you see others and the world around you, and they affect later relationships in life.  If your parents or caregivers were comforting, nurturing, and responded to your needs such that you felt loved, you’re set up to have a secure attachment.  But if your caregivers were unable to comfort and nurture you effectively, either by offering too much attention or not enough, you may have grown up with an insecure attachment style.  This is common if your caregivers dealt with their own experiences of addiction, depression, anxiety, or other mental health struggles. 

The good news is that these attachment styles aren’t permanent.  You can “earn” secure attachment through involvement with safe individuals in your life who offer nurture and comfort to you through their relationship with you.  Creating secure attachments in your adult life is a major reason why social support is so essential in the recovery journey for both the addict and their partner.

How to Find Support

12 Step Groups

12 Step groups are an effective starting place to find community with other people who understand what you’re experiencing.  Find a group that’s a good fit for you by attending at least six times and seeing if you feel connected and supported.  The best groups for sex and love addicts are Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  If you’re local to Michigan, these fellowships are particularly active and have several meetings in the Ann Arbor area.

There are also 12 Step groups for partners of addicts to address their own trauma.  COSA and S-Anon are great options for finding a safe place to talk about your experience and receive support.  If you aren’t comfortable attending a group specific to sex and love addiction, or there aren’t options in your area, Al-Anon is another great resource as a recovery program for friends and family of alcoholics.

Church-Based Support Groups

Finding a support group at your local church is also a helpful option.  If you’re a Christian, a church-based support group can be a helpful way to integrate faith into your recovery journey, as well as find support systems and accountability. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian 12-Step based program in churches around the country.  In the Ann Arbor area, churches such as NorthRidge and Oak Pointe offer groups for addicts and partners of addicts.

Therapy Groups

Many therapists offer group therapy as an additional option for extra support in your recovery.  There is often an extra layer of safety in these groups because they are run by therapists who maintain confidentiality and manage group dynamics.   

Existing Relationships

As an addict, you may struggle with telling anyone you are close to due to the shame of how their opinion of you might change.  But part of recovery involves coming clean in all areas of your life, including with people who are important to you.  While early in recovery, identify the people who are safest for you: those who are least likely to judge you and who you would trust to hold you accountable or support you.

As a partner, safety is incredibly important, as you are likely experiencing intense emotions and may be deciding whether to stay or go in the relationship.  Telling someone who’s going to bash your spouse or, alternatively, try to convince you to stay isn’t always helpful.  Instead, look for people who would be supportive of you no matter what you decide and share with them.  Consider your motivation to tell and the long-term ramifications of telling others. 

In Intimate Treason, Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi recommend using the image of a stoplight to decide who might be safe to tell.  Make a list of people you’d like to tell and rank them in terms of the three lights: red, yellow, and green.  Green individuals are supportive, safe people who you can trust with just about anything.  People in the yellow category may not feel safe to turn to for emotional support, but need to know for logistical reasons.  Those in the red are people who are unlikely to be supportive, will toss around blame, or may minimize the behaviors.  You might find, in this process, that family aren’t always safe to rely on emotionally at first, but may need to know for logistical reasons, such as when you are separating.

Have a conversation with your spouse and decide together who you will tell about the addiction and the corresponding trauma.  For the addict, you might feel challenged and uncomfortable by being asked to share your story, but openness is key to recovery.  For the partner, having a conversation allows you to feel free to talk to people without feeling guilt about telling your spouse’s story.  For individuals who are in the “yellow” group listed above, write out a short script as a letter informing them of the necessary information without going into too much detail and agree upon this together before sending it or talking to them.

While recovering from addiction is one of the most painful experiences you will likely go through in your life, the gift of lasting and supportive friendships that can come from that experience is one that can’t be matched.  Lean into this chance to build connection and community.

Step Ten: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Ten: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step Ten is all about living out your recovery day-by-day.  In fact, this step is often referred to as making your life a “living amends.”  In recovery, it is not enough just to walk through the steps once, complete them, and then say you are done.  Step Ten is about living each day differently as a result of the work you’ve done, making a conscious commitment to change, honesty, and authenticity.

Personally, this requires you to pursue self-care and healthier ways of coping.  You will be more conscious of your character flaws and the path you’ve slid into before that’s led to your addiction.  Step Ten also involves being conscious of when you are wrong and admitting it, both to yourself and others.  This requires humility and self-awareness.  In your relationships where you’ve caused harm, including with significant others, this involves the slow process of rebuilding trust. 

Step Ten requires balance, integrating all of your life into your conscious awareness so you can eliminate chaos.  A common phrase in addiction recovery is that addiction thrives in chaos: the less chaotic and more mindful your life becomes, the easier it will be to work your recovery.

 In Patrick Carnes’ book Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps*, he talks about the difference between partial, convenient recovery and inconvenient, or full, recovery.  Full recovery involves knowing that recovery is a constant process that continues past completion of the 12 Steps.  It involves acknowledging that you are a human in process, imperfect and flawed but seeking to grow.

How to Work Step Ten

Keep consistent commitment to your recovery activities.

Maintain connection to your 12 Step group and your sponsor as you continue to take evaluation of your flaws.  It might involve asking others, like your sponsor or 12 Step group members, to speak up when they see areas where you might be wrong.  However, this will only work if you are willing to accept it.

Not only do you need to acknowledge these flaws to yourself, but you also must continue to be open and authentic about feelings and motivations, rather than holding them under a façade of having it all together. This is a huge trust-building skill in relationships, and can be a key factor in maintaining sobriety.

Remain in the present as you hold tension between the past and the future.

We’ve talked about the Stocksdale paradox before, which encourages you to face the challenge of your addiction both by knowing how bad it was while also having a clear vision and hope for the future.  However, focusing too much on the past or the future prevents you from enjoying the present moment and creating awareness of your daily life.

This step involves remaining present to what’s happening in the moment, rather than detaching through using addictive behaviors, fantasy, or delusional thinking.  It requires staying connected to your adult self rather than responding out of childhood wounds.

Create a personal care index.

Patrick Carnes created an exercise in Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps* that I find incredibly helpful in thinking of taking a daily personal inventory.  He calls it the Personal Craziness Index, but I prefer Staci Sprout’s re-envisioning of it as a Personal Care Index.  This exercise involves exploring 12 different areas of your life for indicators that you’re not working your best recovery and/or what needs to be taking place for your life to have balance.  Signs might be as simple as not making your bed in the morning or forgetting to eat. 

This is a simple and powerful way to take a daily inventory and observe your risk factors for slipping back into addiction.  Take some time to work through the different areas that indicate you are succeeding or struggling in daily life and use the tracking system to monitor how these are affecting your daily life and recovery.

Do a daily examen or quiet time.

For many Christians, a daily quiet time of Scripture reading and reflection is a regular part of spiritual practice.  But whether you come from a faith background or not, having a regular time to meditate daily can be a helpful practice to integrate into your recovery.  There are several books of devotionals or meditations that can be helpful for recovery, such as:

• The Language of Letting Go* by Mellody Beattie

• More Language of Letting Go* by Mellody Beattie

• Day by Day: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts*

• Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex Addiction*

• Voices of Recovery – Meditations on Steps and Traditions

Another great practice to adopt is a daily examen of consciousness.  Essentially, an examen of consciousness is an intentional time set up at the end of each day to review the previous day, what went well and what didn’t, acknowledge where you felt the presence or absence of God, and seek change for the next day. This can involve prayer and confession as well.

Observe your intense emotional reactions and examine them.

As you’ve been walking through your recovery, you’ve likely become more aware of your emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.  Now that you’ve removed the addiction that previously allowed you to feel numb, your emotional capacity will increase.  You’ll have strong emotional reactions that are unexpected or confusing, simply because they are unfamiliar and you aren’t sure about their origins.  Take time with your sponsor, a therapist, or a trusted friend to talk through strong emotional reactions and what triggers from your past or childhood wounds they might involve.

Learn new ways to communicate apologies or hurt.

The last part of this step involves promptly admitting hurts or wrongs we’ve committed.  Apologizing can feel like speaking a foreign language when your addiction has taught you to use lies or cover-ups to hide behaviors, rather than bringing them out into the open.  Approach daily apologies or amends like you would learning a new language: test them out, expect to feel awkward at first, and be open to adapting the apologies once you’ve tried out a few methods.  Talk with people in your life who have worked through this step, or practice with your therapist or sponsor.

Step Eight: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

The “making amends” steps are a pivotal point for many individuals in their 12 Step recovery journey.  This is the point at which your relationships with others outside of the 12 Step group are invited into the process.  Those around you are given the gift of apologies and offers for reconciliation, while you are presented with the gift of humility, honesty, and the potential for restored relationship.

You might say to yourself, “This is too hard.  I really wish I didn’t have to do this.”  Once you’ve come clean with your sponsor and yourself about the ways in which you’ve caused harm, you might think that you’re finished with the process.  But it becomes crucial to connect with others you have harmed to offer amends.  As a recovering addict, you must be prepared to go to any lengths to be released from your addiction.  Ask God in these moments of self-doubt for strength to handle any consequences that may come your way as a result of making amends.

Direct amends involve having a conversation with an individual whom you have harmed.  However, in some cases, to directly make amends to someone is not the best option: either it would cause more harm to them, they may be deceased, or you may not be able to contact them.  In this case, it may be helpful to think of ways you can make indirect amends, such as volunteering or giving financially to organizations that support individuals similar to those you have harmed.

Why is this step so important?

Making amends takes you out of the victim role, which is an easy default in distorted thinking of the addiction.  It propels you into taking responsibility for the harm you’ve done to others.  It doesn’t allow you to hide behind the mask of saying it was anyone else’s fault but your own.  By doing whatever is necessary to right the wrongs you’ve done, you become free from the guilt you have carried for years in your addictive behaviors.

How to Work Step Eight

Focus just on Step Eight and not Step Nine.

It can be paralyzing to think of taking the action of making amends at first, but allow yourself to use Step Eight to simply explore the idea of making amends.  In this process, you’ll experience empathy for those you have wronged, which then leads more naturally to making amends.  If you struggle to separate Step Eight from the upcoming Step Nine where you will be carrying out these amends, ask God to give you the willingness and strength to try.  Have grace with yourself and know that you can always return to this step throughout your 12 Step journey.

Write a list of those you have harmed.

Using your Step Four inventory, identify those individuals who have been directly or indirectly affected by both your acting out behaviors and your character flaws.  Make this list as complete as possible, going back all the way to childhood.  This might include family members, spouses, children, friends, acting out partners, or even individuals you don’t know personally.

Pay special attention to individuals who you may not have actively or intentionally harmed, but who have been hurt by your abandonment, withdrawal, or rejection.  Include even those who you feel have done more harm to you than you have done to them.  It isn’t the time to seek vengeance for wrongs against you: it is time to take responsibility for yourself.

You may even include yourself as an individual you have harmed on your list.  This offers the opportunity for self-compassion, and it helps you pay attention to ways you have damaged yourself and your sense of self-worth through your behaviors.

Identify those to whom making direct amends may cause more harm than benefit.

One common individual that the distorted thinking of the addict tends to gravitate toward when first considering making amends is to former affair partners.  Yes, they have been harmed by your actions, but it is clear that involving them in the amends process could re-start a relationship and ultimately create more destruction in its wake.  On the list of those you have harmed, mark those who you think might experience greater harm if you attempted to make amends with them.  Talk with your sponsor about whether direct or indirect amends would be recommended in those cases.

Get feedback from your sponsor.

Talk with your sponsor, therapist, or other trusted individuals who know your story.  Be open to hearing who they might suggest including on your list.  Often others in the 12 Step program have their own experiences of amends from which to draw upon.  They will also point out blind spots you are avoiding because they feel too uncomfortable or vulnerable to admit.  Similarly, they may also suggest you take certain names off your list if you are feeling guilt over something for which you are not responsible.

Write specifics about the harm done.

For each individual on your list, write down specifics about the harm you have done to them and its results.  Include what you think or feel about that harm now.  As you flesh out these details, you’ll gain a greater sense of perspective and empathy, as well as create a resource for the process of making amends in Step Nine.  The more detail you include, the more you will demonstrate engagement in the process.  This helps the person who was harmed feel known and understood.

Examine what you hope to accomplish by making amends.

Examining your motives is important.  If you are only making amends to check a box off the 12 Step process or impress others, then you need to re-evaluate your motivations with the help of your sponsor.  For example, you might be making amends as a way to manipulate the other person into apologizing for their own harmful behavior.  However, you must realize that the only person you can control is yourself.  It’s also important to acknowledge your desired outcome so you can come to terms with the fact that you may not receive it.  Understand that even with the worst outcome possible, you have done your part in making amends, and that is what counts more than their response.  As Paul says in Romans, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, NIV; emphasis mine)

Make a list of possible action steps you can take.

Whether you are making direct or indirect amends, a powerful part of the process involves taking action to embody the new commitment you’ve made to a healthier life.  Addicts are often full of empty promises that don’t come to fruition.  Unless you follow through on your words of apology with corresponding action to solidify the truth of the change, you will not be able to move toward reconciled relationship.  Think of ways you may make financial amends or relational amends.  Consider if there are any legal consequences you have been avoiding from your actions.

Step Six: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Six: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Admitting your flaws and character defects to yourself in Step Four and to another person in Step Five seem like a daunting enough task.  But it’s not enough to end with just acknowledging these flaws.  The next step involves the willingness to change those areas.

Hope comes when you realize that you are not alone on your path to change.  Acknowledging God as the source of change in your life can take the pressure off you to be perfect.  Philippians 2:13 says that God will give us both the power and the willingness to do what pleases Him, and so you can invite him in to this process of change and see Him transform your heart.

What is Step Six? 

According to the Green Book of Sex Addicts Anonymous*, character defects are “undesirable traits, attitudes, and beliefs that make our lives unmanageable, cause pain to others, and block our spiritual growth.”  Often these traits were adopted from childhood experiences of survival.  As adults, you have the option to choose healthier ways of coping and relating.

There is a pivot point in Step Six toward rebuilding your life.  Beyond reflecting on past flaws and defects, this step propels you into changing the future.  Changing your character defects can feel risky because they have often served as the scapegoat or excuse for why you feel unloved or rejected.  Without your excuse, you will have to risk pain without a protective shield.  But making that change leads to movement toward trust and authenticity, which are the foundations of true intimacy.

How To Work Step Six

Revisit your fearless moral inventory from Steps Four and Five.

Identify the attitudes, behaviors, traits, and approaches to life that you recognized in your fearless moral inventory.  Pay extra attention to places where you have felt stuck or are being held back by these traits.  Write a list of the distorted beliefs you have about sex or your drug of choice that keep you in your addict mentality rather than in a rational mindset.

Identify where you learned the different character defects.

As mentioned earlier, the ways in which you cope with painful emotions or experiences in your life are shaped by coping strategies picked up in the past, whether healthy or unhealthy.  Acknowledging where you learned these patterns does not exonerate you from blame, but instead acknowledges its origins and gives grace to the part of you that did whatever it took to survive.

Were your character defects something you picked up from your parents?  Were they something you used to survive a painful childhood?  Were you hurt in a way that sent a message such as, “you have to protect yourself,” or “don’t be responsible for anything, you’ll screw it up”?  Is there a history of depression, anxiety, addiction, or mental illness in your family?  Do you see the patterns of these family members reflected in your life?

Acknowledge what purpose these flaws of character served in your life.

You wouldn’t act or think in these ways if they didn’t feel good or serve you in some way.  Maybe your forgetfulness allowed you not take responsibility for mistakes.  Maybe you never had to be on time because your loved ones expected you to flake.  Maybe your lack of commitment in jobs or relationships protected you from responsibility.  Or maybe you didn’t have to make your inner world known and risk rejection because you isolated yourself or avoided relationships.

These coping strategies have served a purpose to protect you from painful emotions, hurt, or fear.  Ask yourself: what are you afraid will happen once these are gone?  Do you fear being rejected?  Unloved?  Abandoned?  Enmeshed with another person?  If you acknowledge the ways you are self-sabotaging in your areas of growth, you no longer will be able to use your character defects as excuses or justifications.  You will need to face the pain connected to these fears.

Acknowledge the areas in which you will feel deprived and not want to release these character defects.

You’ve been working on maintaining your sobriety from quite some time.  And if that weren’t enough, this step asks you to remove other coping mechanisms through giving up your character flaws.  This can be a scary process.  Practicing humility and dependence on God and your support system are crucial at this point.  You need them to move from just understanding these flaws into making a change in your behaviors and attitudes.

List each character defect with the corresponding positive quality that can replace it.

Often the coping strategies we’ve used to survive that have turned into flaws in our adulthood are two sided: they have both a light side and a dark side.  Identify the “light” side of each of your character flaws: see your defects and become aware of how you can use them for good or replace them with more adaptive behaviors or qualities you want to embody.  This could be moving from mistrust to trust, or allowing yourself to be human rather than trying to be superhuman.  Begin to seek opportunities to live out these positive characteristics.

Invite God into the process.

As this step expresses in its phrasing, God is a crucial part of this process.  Invite God through prayer to illuminate the areas where you feel resistant to letting go.  Ask God if He will stay with you despite knowing all your flaws.  Scripture reminds us that God saved us when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8), so He likely knows them already and still chose relationship with you.  If you don’t feel fully willing to let go of these flaws in character, pray and ask God to change your heart.

Invite your sponsor or trusted guide in.

Share this process with your sponsor.  Ask your trusted guide or your friends in recovery if they know of other areas of weakness or character difficulties to which you are still clinging.  They may have faced similar character issues in their personal journeys and have ideas on how to resolve them.  Ask for help and support through this process.