Using the New Year as a Springboard for Recovery

For many of us, a new year represents a new beginning.  The practice of making resolutions reflects this energy surrounding the vision of a fresh start.  One calendar year ending and another beginning creates a natural moment for a reset, a time when we’re encouraged to pause and reflect on the progress of our lives. 

Whether you participate in setting resolutions or not, this fresh start may be just the push you need to commit (or re-commit) to your addiction recovery.  For those who battle sex and love addiction, the holidays leading up to New Year’s can be rife with triggers and reminders of pain. You may have coped by using addictive behaviors to self-medicate and had a relapse.  Use this as an opportunity to learn and start out fresh as you begin your new year. 

How to Make a Fresh Start in Addiction Recovery

Tell someone.

For those of you who are aware that you have a problem and aren’t quite sure what to do about it, the first step is to let someone else in to your struggle.  Typically, you’ve made attempts to stop on your own, but you realize how isolating addiction can be. This feels like the scariest step, as it involves a high level of vulnerability. 

Often it can be challenging to start out by sharing with our friends or family members, so it may be helpful to consider someone like a therapist or 12 Step group member to share with for your first time. Consider safe people in your life who will offer you love and acceptance when you share with them.

Go to your first 12 Step meeting.

Along with telling someone, beginning to attend 12 Step meetings and receive support are essential first steps in recovery.  A meeting may even be the first place you choose to share about your struggle. 

Most people feel fear or anxiety about attending a 12 Step meeting for the first time.  You might be thinking, What if I see someone I know there? or I’m not as bad as these people, I don’t need to go to these meetings.  I’ve noticed in my practice that involvement in 12 Step has been a game-changer for so many people in finding supportive community and a place where they can talk about their struggles with people who get it.

Search in your area for 12 Step meetings on their respective websites.  For sex and love addicts, I’d recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  In-person meetings are the best, but if there isn’t a local meeting in your area, you can also participate in online or phone meetings.  Take the leap.  It’s worth it. 

Seek out counseling.

Some can recover from addiction without ever setting foot in a counseling office.  But for many, counseling is an essential part of their recovery plan.  The additional support of specialized counseling for sex and love addiction can help you remain focused on your recovery goals.  It also gives you one person you know who will hold you accountable for your behaviors. 

Often addicts have no clue why they do what they do: it feels like they’re on autopilot.  If you resonate with that, counseling can help you explore the motivations and reasons behind your destructive behaviors and explore other options.  Addiction is also associated with past experiences of trauma, and counseling provides a space to explore healing from that trauma.

Get a sponsor.

For the same reason that having a counselor is incredibly impactful to recovery, having a sponsor is essential to success in a 12 Step program.  You need someone who can mentor you through the experience, guide you through the 12 Steps, offer accountability and support when you’re tempted to return to your addiction, or just be there on a consistent basis.

Often, connecting with a sponsor gives you a built-in pathway to community with the larger 12 Step network.  It is recommended that sponsors have at least one year of sobriety and have worked through the 12 Steps.  In order to achieve that, your sponsor likely has built relationships within the community.  He or she can connect you to those others and build a stronger foundation of relationships to support you on your path to recovery.

Do your First Step.

Working your way through the 12 Steps is a proven path to recovery.  12 Step programs wouldn’t be as popular or as recommended as they are if they didn’t actually work.  Commit to your own personal work through the program by starting at the beginning.

In the First Step, you are encouraged to admit your powerlessness over your addiction and your inability to manage it on your own.  This is a constant reminder of the humility every addict needs to keep them on track for recovery.  Even if you’ve worked through your First Step before, starting out a new year returning to the foundation of the 12 Step process can remind you of your need for the program in a new way. 

Begin working toward formal disclosure with your partner.

If you’ve been procrastinating on completing a formal disclosure, that makes sense.  Disclosure is a challenging process of becoming completely honest with your partner about your addictive behaviors.  However, complete honesty and integrity is the only way to build the foundation of your relationship and create trust with your partner.

Talk with your counselor about disclosure.  Begin by putting together a timeline of your addiction, including any changes, escalation, or attempts to stop.  Seek out a CSAT-certified therapist to walk you through the disclosure process, if you aren’t already working with one.

Offer service to others.

Step Twelve involves choosing to share your time or energy with others who are in recovery, which can serve multiple purposes.  First, it can redirect your focus from yourself and your own struggles to helping others.  Second, it can keep you accountable: if you’ve volunteered to help out at a meeting, you’re responsible for carrying out what you said you would do.  Third, helping others creates connection and community, as you interact with others while you’re helping.

Offer to run a meeting, set up chairs, or be a phone contact for a new member of your 12 Step group.  Share your First Step at a meeting so those who are new to your group can feel less alone.  If you’ve been in solid recovery for at least one year and have your own sponsor, consider becoming a sponsor to someone else and passing what you’ve learned along.

How Recognizing Grace Transforms Counseling

I’ve been a traveling therapist these past few weeks, jetting off around the country for various conferences. Some have been counselor-focused, and others have been for personal growth and healing, because in order to offer the best care I can to my clients, I need experience my own healing.  I sat in on a talk given at a conference by a favorite speaker of mine, Mark McMinn, who taught my graduate school professors and was influential in my educational experience as a result.  He spoke about integrating grace in his counseling sessions and the impact of the message of grace.  This message felt like a personal devotional time of reconnecting with the grace in my own life.

Here were a few reflections I’ve since had from that session.

How do we define grace?

When I first became a Christian, I had no idea what grace meant.  I’m sure I heard sermons about it, read about it in the Bible, and heard other people talk about their experience of grace, but I was clueless as to how it affected me.  It wasn’t until I read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning that the true message of grace sunk in.  I learned that no matter what I did, no matter what mistakes I made, no matter how many times I failed, I could rest in the love that God had for me and know that it was enough.

McMinn talked about grace in this way: Grace is a free gift of love, forgiveness, and God’s favor with no strings attached.  It is above and beyond all we could ever want or need.  There is no hidden agenda or any way we could pay God back for the grace we receive.  It isn’t contingent on how we respond.  It is unconditional and is given to us before we decide to receive it.  It doesn’t make sense.  It changes us.

Ultimately, grace is about believing that I am enough.

In my personal retreat this past week, I engaged with the question of “Am I enough?”  This is a common question we face, and we often answer this question one way or the other based on what we see in our lives.  But what grace tells us is that our actions cannot add to or detract from our fundamental worth and value.  If I am going to experience grace for myself and extend it to my clients, I must rest in the truth that we each have individual and inherent worth and value, and that because of that, we are enough.

Grace allows us to practice acceptance.

As I talked about in an earlier post, there is a surprising freedom that comes as we take stock of our circumstances and give ourselves grace for how we are handling them.  Often we are plagued by the “tyranny of the shoulds,” where we wonder about how we “should” be facing a certain circumstance, or we fret over how our circumstances are not working out as they “should.”  However, the energy spent on “shoulding” all over ourselves and others simply increases our distress.  As a therapist, one of my goals is accept and love you in the middle of your circumstance, offering you grace when you aren’t able to offer it to yourself, with the hope that you will learn the path to offering grace to yourself.

Our values are incredibly important.

While we may accept our circumstances, that doesn’t mean throwing our hands up in defeat.  Accepting our circumstances doesn’t magically fix them. What it does is provide clarity on what actions we can take to move toward our values.  In the urgency of the day-to-day, we can lose sight of the things most important to us.  If you make a list of all the things you value and compare it to your current schedule, you would likely find some inconsistencies.  Identifying and reminding yourself of your values and choosing to act in accordance to them even amidst chaotic circumstances allows you to experience peace.

Addiction treatment is vastly different with an outlook toward grace.

Manning, the author of the Ragamuffin Gospel, suffered from a lifelong pull toward alcoholism.  Alcoholism and addictions of any kind are driven by shame: as the addict feels shame in their life, they will choose to medicate or run away from that shame with addictive behaviors.  However, addressing shame with grace removes the fuel for the fire of addiction.

Resist shame by befriending the thoughts that are plaguing you.  Accept them, normalize them, and allow them to be there while also making decisions based on your values.  Imagine a sex addict feeling the urge to view pornography.  In the moment when she feels that urge, she may experience shame and “should” all over herself, which will lead her to medicate that shame with the most effective tool she has – acting out in her addiction.  With an approach of grace, however, the addict can choose to normalize her urges (“Of course I’m wanting to view pornography, I’m an addict and there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain.”) and then choose to act in a way that is in alignment with her values (“Sobriety is important to me, so I’m going to choose to call my sponsor instead.”)

Grace is humbling and helps us admit we are wrong.

Grace offers us the opportunity to admit that we don’t have it all together.  Over the years, McMinn named that he had adapted his counseling style from one focused more on concrete thoughts and emotions (cognitive behavioral therapy) to a method that involved more mindful awareness and acceptance of the present state of circumstances (acceptance and commitment therapy).  He even wrote a book about the first style of therapy that he admitted to his audience was not in alignment with what he currently practices.  Grace gives us the humility to adapt and change our response.

We develop empathy as we connect with our personal brokenness.  Accepting grace requires us to admit that we are human, that we’ve failed or done wrong or made a mistake.  It makes it easier to forgive others when we see how broken we are ourselves.  Imagine the difference this could make in marriage if couples extended grace to themselves and to one another.  Imagine the effect this forgiveness could have.

Where do you need grace in your life today?  Are you ready to ask for help?

How to Choose Your Therapist

You’ve finally hit the breaking point.  Whether your sadness and depression are the lowest they’ve ever been, your anxiety has hit a fever pitch, or your marriage feels like it’s crumbling around you, you’ve likely hit rock bottom and are looking for a way out.  The idea of therapy may have popped into your head from time to time, but today you’re at the point where you’re ready to start.

But how do you make a decision about which therapist is the best fit for you?

The process of looking for a therapist is anxiety-inducing by nature. Therapy is stigmatized in the media, and you may only know horror stories of therapists you heard from friends or family.  The hurdle of making the first appointment can feel insurmountable.  Common wisdom says that people wait three to six months after receiving a referral to a therapist before scheduling their first appointment.

Here are a few pointers in your search for a therapist.

Ask for a recommendation.

People you know who have seen therapists are often your best resource for a good counselor.  If your friend has seen a therapist and had a positive experience, this is one of your best indicators that this therapist might click with you.  Ask your family or friends for names of counselors they’ve seen.  Check out the counselor’s website and online presence to get a sense of their voice.  If they have a blog, read some articles to see who they are and if you feel as though you can feel comfortable with this individual.

Look for a therapist who specializes in the issue you’re dealing with.

Often, therapists have a specialty in an area of interest for which they have a unique passion.  For example, my area  of specialty is sex and love addiction, particularly as it relates to women.  Therapists attend events or get additional training in these issues in order to be the best resource for you.  Look at the therapist’s “about” page on their website to learn more about these specialties.

Attend the first session to see if you feel comfortable with the therapist and can grow to trust them.

The first session is a good opportunity to test out your fit with your therapist.  You want to feel connected early on in therapy.  While trust is generally built over time, you can typically get a good sense for the potential to trust in that first session.  If you notice yourself feeling “off” in relationship with your therapist, if you are just staying in therapy to appease them, and especially if you feel as though you are being manipulated by your therapist, then you may want to find someone who is a better fit.

Identify if the counselor has a fundamental curiosity about you and your story.

Therapy is meant to be an exploration of your personal narrative with your counselor acting as a guide to help illuminate additional viewpoints and insights into your life story.  In order for this to happen, your therapist needs to be curious about your story: asking questions, digging deeper, exploring different perspectives on the content you bring to session.

Your therapist should be willing to push your buttons…but not too much.

Your counselor should strive to strike the delicate balance between pushing back against some of the faulty beliefs and behavior patterns in your life in order to encourage you to change, but not doing so until you feel uncomfortable.  You will likely feel slight discomfort as your therapist presses into your issues.  But if you’re feeling too uncomfortable in relationship with your therapist, that may be a sign that they’re not the right fit for you.

Counselors need to make space for their own therapy, practice quality self-care, and set appropriate boundaries.

Many graduate programs require their therapists to be involved in their own personal therapy.  Therapists spend their days hearing the pain and difficulty in others’ stories, and they need a space to receive their own care from a therapist.  You want your therapist to practice what they preach.  They likely won’t be perfect at it, but you want your therapist to set appropriate boundaries and take good care of themselves so that they can be fully present with you and your story.

See if your therapist’s values reflect your own.

As much as therapists try to be neutral, therapists do bring their personalities and their values into their sessions.  If you have a significant role in your identity that feels important to you, look for a therapist who fits with that identity.  For example, if you are a Christian, finding a therapist who is also Christian helps you to connect over those spiritual values.

Ultimately, you want to choose a therapist who is grounded in their own emotions, confident in their practice, and not afraid to refer you to another therapist if needed.

What You Can Expect in Therapy

Imagine with me for a moment that you’ve never been in a traditional classroom before.  Perhaps you’ve been homeschooled your entire life, or you’ve lived in a country that doesn’t have American-style schooling.  You know of others who have been in school, all with mixed results.  You’ve seen school portrayed on television, but you wouldn’t want your experience to be anything close to what’s shown on the screen.

For many people, that is what their views of therapy are like, particularly if they've never attended a therapy session.  You may have a general idea of what therapy is supposed to look like, which is often informed by friends and the media.  Today, I’m hoping to set the record straight.

What should I expect from therapy?

In a basic and traditional sense, psychotherapy involves sitting across from a trained professional (psychologist, counselor, or social worker) who asks questions and offers you tools to improve your mental health.  I like one therapist’s simple explanation of therapy as a place to define the problems that plague you, figure out what can be done to change your situation, deal with the underlying roadblocks that are getting in the way of resolution, and help you gain the confidence and courage to change.

But this basic description barely scratches the surface of what therapy and your therapist can represent in your life.  Therapy is a place to be seen and known and to learn the fundamental truth that you are not alone.  Therapy involves a journey – often arduous and sometimes exhausting, but ultimately rewarding you with the gift of a changed life.

Here are some general ideas about what therapy is:

• Therapy is a place to heal relationally. Wounds happen in relationships, and therefore must be healed in relationship. The relationship you have with your therapist can become one of the most important relationships in your life. Similarly, group therapy can offer a catalyst for healing through interactions with other group members.

• Therapy is intended to be a safe environment for understanding and growth. In the therapy office, you are encouraged to share emotions and experiences that have been painful or difficult. You can talk about the darkest corners of your life, the areas that feel the most private, and know that your therapist not only holds your story in confidence, but also accepts you as you are.

• Therapy is meant to challenge your thoughts, worldview, and patterns. Often, in the course of therapy, you’ll be challenged by your therapist to view patterns of relating or thoughts that are destroying your life. You may be clinging to certain coping strategies, hoping they will eventually work. But as the common adage in Alcoholics Anonymous states, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your therapist can provide a fresh set of eyes that offer an alternative perspective. This challenge creates clarity in your values and decisions.

• Therapy is about empowerment. Often, you walk into a therapy office because you feel powerless against your thoughts, behaviors, feelings, or circumstances. Therapy is meant to give you the resources and support to regain confidence in your life.

• Therapy is about acceptance and patience. Healing in therapy will likely take longer than you would wish. Part of therapy is learning to trust the process and grow in patience with the way change happens: slowly over time. An image that represents therapy well is this: you and your therapist are miners in a deep cave. Most of the time it feels like you’re just moving piles of dirt, and your therapist suggests which piles to sift through. Eventually though, in all the sifting, you’ll find glints of something gold.

Similarly, here’s what therapy is not:

• Therapy is not a magical solution, a quick fix, or a guaranteed promise of an outcome. Be wary of therapists who make these types of promises or guarantees. The tools therapists teach are truly meant to bring lasting change to your life and your relationships. However, the biggest factor of what causes change in therapy is your motivation and willingness to put in the work to get there. Implementing skills and tools learned in therapy is crucial in seeing lasting change.

• Therapy is not just getting advice from an expert. As your therapist gets to know you better and understands your life and circumstances, you will be led to explore options for yourself and make your own personal decisions. This often happens over the course of long-term therapy: the more time you and your therapist spend exploring the narratives of your life, the more clear your decisions and next steps will become.

• Therapy is not intended to be a place where you end up more wrecked than healed. It is true that often at the beginning of therapy, you’ll feel a bit worse before beginning to feel better. That is a natural result of talking through painful experiences, both present and past. But if a therapist pressures you to uncover repressed traumatic memories or share beyond what you’re comfortable, that’s a red flag. The point of therapy is to create safety and comfort around talking about those deeper issues, not create further trauma by forcing you to go further than what feels safe.

• Therapy is not a way to blame others for everything that’s gone wrong in your life. The stereotype of therapy is that the blame always falls on the parents for the child’s problems. While childhood and family experiences are part of what’s discussed in therapy, there are many other factors that play a role in mental health issues that affect you today. The goal of therapy is to learn to take responsibility for yourself and the changes you can make so that your actions moving forward reflect a more wholehearted life.

Ultimately, my goal as a therapist is to create a safe environment for you to explore the many facets of your life experience in order to create your more grounded and authentic way of living.