Releasing the Shoulds: Freeing Yourself of Impossibly High Standards So You Can Live

Do you feel a vague sense of guilt when you fail or make mistakes?  Have you been described as a perfectionist or a type A person?  Many of us, particularly if we grew up in an environment with high expectations, have learned a certain set of standards around our behavior that can feel overwhelming to maintain.

Sometimes, we hold those same standards for others.  When we are disappointed by a friend or family member who lets us down or fails to meet our expectations, we are angry at them.  If they don’t read our minds and know what we need, it causes an argument.  We become overly critical of family and friends, gossiping about others, or feeling bitterness and resentment that build to a breaking point.

Or we may want our circumstances to be perfect and are crushed when they don’t work out the way we think they should.  There are so many factors outside our control: jobs, family, others’ choices, natural disasters, or even positive experiences – you name it.  When our circumstances don’t fit into our perfect mold, how do we then respond?  Are we able to adapt or do we feel cheated out of the way things “should” have been?

If any of the above experiences sound like you, it might be time to take a look at the “shoulds” you’re carrying around and how they’re working (or likely, not working) for you.

Recognizing the Shoulds

Identify the areas where you feel a sense of “should.”

It can be as easy as listening to your self-talk and identifying where you hear the word “should.”  I should, I have to, I ought to, I must…do any of these words populate your vocabulary?  In what situations do you say those words to yourself in your mind? 

Pay attention to your emotions, particularly shame and fear.

Maybe it’s not so clear to you in which situations you feel pressure to meet a standard.  In that case, recognizing shame can help.  First, identify what shame feels like in your body.  Red cheeks, a knot in your stomach, a desire to run and hide?  Think about a circumstance when you’ve felt shame in the past.  What were the words running through your mind?

Similarly, fear can be an indicator that you’re responding to a perceived set of “shoulds.”  If you’re afraid of what others think of you, even if it’s just in one particular area like work, ask yourself where you learned to fear their opinion. Connect it back to previous experiences where you may have felt fear about the opinions of others.

Look at what bothers you most about other people.

When you pinpoint the areas where you’re most critical of others, ask yourself if you can relate to their struggles in any way.  In the Bible, when Jesus speaks of judging others, he says, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)  Often the behaviors we criticize in others are areas in which we are imperfect or insecure ourselves.

Look at where you’re most likely to criticize others and see if you can relate to their struggles.  You may not be dealing with the issue exactly the way they are handling it, but your response might hint at a “should.”  For example, if I believe others “should” respond to my emails within a few hours of receiving them, it might be worthwhile to check my own habits for responding to emails.  If I do respond quickly, I might identify how that “should” has been affecting my stress levels and mood.

What happens if I don’t do what I “should” do?  What type of person would that make me?  Do I have a rigid expectation of myself here?  Is there space for me to receive or extend grace and understanding to myself or others? 

See where you’re jealous of others.

Another insight from criticism involves recognizing if you want something others have.  You might compare your life to theirs, thinking, “I wish I could do what they’re doing.”  For example, criticizing someone for taking an afternoon off work to attend a child’s sporting event might hint that you have a rigid expectation that you can’t leave the office to do something similar.  Explore what you believe you can’t or “don’t have permission to” do that others can do, and see if that’s based in any “shoulds.”

Releasing the Shoulds

“Okay great, but now what?”  It might have been easy for you to figure out what “shoulds” drive your life, but despite your knowledge of them, you haven’t been able to shake them.  They feel like a constant chorus that echoes through your mind and weighs you down.  Try some of the following steps to let go of those expectations of yourself and release the pressure.

Identify what’s in your control and what’s not in your control.

You have control over your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.  You cannot control the thoughts, emotions, choices, and beliefs of others.  There are some life circumstances you have control over and others you don’t.  When you clarify if you are truly in control of your situation, you may be able to release unrealistic expectations you have on yourself.

This can also help you realize that you aren’t the only one responsible or in control of caring for others.  When your “shoulds” take on a tone of responsibility for others (“If I don’t help them/fill this volunteer role/work the extra hours, then who will?”), recognizing that you aren’t the only one who can take action can release you from the pressure to help.  You may still have some influence, but there are other people or circumstances that may carry responsibility in the lives of the ones you help.

Separate “perfect” from “good.”

Perfectionism often drives these “should” statements, and a hallmark of perfectionism is the belief that perfect and good are the same thing.  In other words, if I don’t do this perfectly, it is bad.  In order for something to be good, it has to be perfect. 

This requires some deconstructing and redefining “good and “perfect”.  Reframe your beliefs to see that things can be good even if they aren’t perfect.  Look for examples where what you’ve produced hasn’t been perfect, but it has been good.  Search for ways in which “good enough” has been good, even when it hasn’t met your unrealistic, high expectations.

Ask yourself what you think will happen if you fail.

What would you believe about yourself if you were to fail or make mistakes in this area?  You might end up uncovering a deeper core belief about yourself that’s driving your “should” responses.  For example, you might believe that if you don’t live up to these high standards you’ll be rejected and unloved.

If you already have these underlying beliefs, no amount of perfection will fix the beliefs.  Until you recognize the origins of the belief and do the work to dismantle it, you won’t be able to let go.

Pretend like you’re talking to a friend.

For many of us, we would never talk to our friends the way that we talk to ourselves.  The amount of negativity and self-criticism that makes up the majority of our self-talk would leave us friendless if we used those words on other people.

Imagine you are having a conversation with a friend who told you about all the “should” statements they were wrestling with.  What might you stay to them in response?  What realistic expectations to you hold for them that you might not hold for yourself? 

Let yourself “break the rules” and see what happens.

When you’ve lived by a rule of “shoulds” your whole life, letting loose and breaking the rules feels like a big no-no.  Give this a try: intentionally set out to do the opposite of what the “shoulds” say to do.  Then observe what happens.  Do you fail? Are your fears confirmed? 

In many cases, what you learn is that breaking the rules doesn’t kill you, nor does it leave you rejected and abandoned.  The worst-case scenario that held you back is discredited. 

To be fair, in some situations you may experience responses that seem to confirm your beliefs.  In this case, learn from those experiences.  Pay attention to your emotional response and self-talk, and be aware of when you’ve felt that way before.  If you can pinpoint earlier experiences similar to this one, that’s a hint at the origins of the high standard you keep.

Doing the work of “releasing the shoulds” is difficult, but it is absolutely worth it.  The relief you’ll feel at letting go of the crushing weight of pressure that you put on yourself will free you up to live your life more authentically.  It will improve your relationships as you drop the criticism and gain more empathy and understanding for others.

What You Can Expect in Therapy

Imagine with me for a moment that you’ve never been in a traditional classroom before.  Perhaps you’ve been homeschooled your entire life, or you’ve lived in a country that doesn’t have American-style schooling.  You know of others who have been in school, all with mixed results.  You’ve seen school portrayed on television, but you wouldn’t want your experience to be anything close to what’s shown on the screen.

For many people, that is what their views of therapy are like, particularly if they've never attended a therapy session.  You may have a general idea of what therapy is supposed to look like, which is often informed by friends and the media.  Today, I’m hoping to set the record straight.

What should I expect from therapy?

In a basic and traditional sense, psychotherapy involves sitting across from a trained professional (psychologist, counselor, or social worker) who asks questions and offers you tools to improve your mental health.  I like one therapist’s simple explanation of therapy as a place to define the problems that plague you, figure out what can be done to change your situation, deal with the underlying roadblocks that are getting in the way of resolution, and help you gain the confidence and courage to change.

But this basic description barely scratches the surface of what therapy and your therapist can represent in your life.  Therapy is a place to be seen and known and to learn the fundamental truth that you are not alone.  Therapy involves a journey – often arduous and sometimes exhausting, but ultimately rewarding you with the gift of a changed life.

Here are some general ideas about what therapy is:

• Therapy is a place to heal relationally. Wounds happen in relationships, and therefore must be healed in relationship. The relationship you have with your therapist can become one of the most important relationships in your life. Similarly, group therapy can offer a catalyst for healing through interactions with other group members.

• Therapy is intended to be a safe environment for understanding and growth. In the therapy office, you are encouraged to share emotions and experiences that have been painful or difficult. You can talk about the darkest corners of your life, the areas that feel the most private, and know that your therapist not only holds your story in confidence, but also accepts you as you are.

• Therapy is meant to challenge your thoughts, worldview, and patterns. Often, in the course of therapy, you’ll be challenged by your therapist to view patterns of relating or thoughts that are destroying your life. You may be clinging to certain coping strategies, hoping they will eventually work. But as the common adage in Alcoholics Anonymous states, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your therapist can provide a fresh set of eyes that offer an alternative perspective. This challenge creates clarity in your values and decisions.

• Therapy is about empowerment. Often, you walk into a therapy office because you feel powerless against your thoughts, behaviors, feelings, or circumstances. Therapy is meant to give you the resources and support to regain confidence in your life.

• Therapy is about acceptance and patience. Healing in therapy will likely take longer than you would wish. Part of therapy is learning to trust the process and grow in patience with the way change happens: slowly over time. An image that represents therapy well is this: you and your therapist are miners in a deep cave. Most of the time it feels like you’re just moving piles of dirt, and your therapist suggests which piles to sift through. Eventually though, in all the sifting, you’ll find glints of something gold.

Similarly, here’s what therapy is not:

• Therapy is not a magical solution, a quick fix, or a guaranteed promise of an outcome. Be wary of therapists who make these types of promises or guarantees. The tools therapists teach are truly meant to bring lasting change to your life and your relationships. However, the biggest factor of what causes change in therapy is your motivation and willingness to put in the work to get there. Implementing skills and tools learned in therapy is crucial in seeing lasting change.

• Therapy is not just getting advice from an expert. As your therapist gets to know you better and understands your life and circumstances, you will be led to explore options for yourself and make your own personal decisions. This often happens over the course of long-term therapy: the more time you and your therapist spend exploring the narratives of your life, the more clear your decisions and next steps will become.

• Therapy is not intended to be a place where you end up more wrecked than healed. It is true that often at the beginning of therapy, you’ll feel a bit worse before beginning to feel better. That is a natural result of talking through painful experiences, both present and past. But if a therapist pressures you to uncover repressed traumatic memories or share beyond what you’re comfortable, that’s a red flag. The point of therapy is to create safety and comfort around talking about those deeper issues, not create further trauma by forcing you to go further than what feels safe.

• Therapy is not a way to blame others for everything that’s gone wrong in your life. The stereotype of therapy is that the blame always falls on the parents for the child’s problems. While childhood and family experiences are part of what’s discussed in therapy, there are many other factors that play a role in mental health issues that affect you today. The goal of therapy is to learn to take responsibility for yourself and the changes you can make so that your actions moving forward reflect a more wholehearted life.

Ultimately, my goal as a therapist is to create a safe environment for you to explore the many facets of your life experience in order to create your more grounded and authentic way of living.