Contact with the Present Moment: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

Imagine with me that you’ve been in therapy for a while.  You’ve been addressing the faulty thinking patterns of shame and self-doubt that led you into depression.  Or you’ve been working through panic and crippling fear that propelled you into treatment for anxiety.  Perhaps addiction and its lasting effects on you and your family led you to seek counseling, and you’re beginning to experience healing.  Or you’ve learned strategies to cope with some of the worst of your chronic pain. 

Yet, in spite of these gains you’ve been making, you find that you still get stuck.  Whether you wish you could just make the anxiety go away, or you are hit with triggers of addiction at the most inopportune times, the lasting impact of these experiences might never disappear.  You wonder to yourself, “will I ever just be happy and not have to deal with this anymore?”

Enter the game-changing principles of acceptance and commitment therapy, or ACT.  ACT is based around the concept of psychological flexibility: an openness to your present experience that allows you to adapt your response to any circumstance in service of your personal values.  Rather than attempting to change or eliminate negative thoughts or alter emotions, ACT focuses on utilizing mindfulness to recognize and separate who we are from our negative internal experiences (acceptance) and focus instead on implementing value-based actions (commitment).  It acknowledges that suffering is a universal and inevitable reality, and the goal of “being happy” isn’t always realistic to life.

Often where we get stuck in our work through varied mental health and life struggles is wishing they would disappear entirely.  But when that is not an option, ACT provides another path that can enrich and deepen your life.

In this series, we’ll be covering the six components of psychological flexibility that make up the foundation of ACT.  These include contact with the present moment, acceptance, defusion, values, self as context, and committed action. 

Contact with the Present Moment

Consider the thoughts you’ve had in the past hour.  How many of them have been about something that’s coming up in the future?  What about past experiences and events?  Or have any of them been focused on what’s happening right now?

The majority of our thoughts are focused on recalling past events or planning for the future, rather than being in the present.  Therefore, we don’t accurately observe what we’re experiencing in the moment.  Our lack of connection to present experience causes us to feel confused when we react in a way we don’t expect to certain situations.  We don’t often understand the cause and effect of our actions because we are distracted by our thoughts.

Contact with the present moment requires you to “be here now.”  Be present with your thoughts.  Be aware of what is happening in your body.  Notice the sensations you feel, the ways in which your five senses are interacting with the world around you.  Be conscious of your emotional landscape.  In essence, this component invites you to bring attention to your current experience without the filter of your thoughts and judgments. 

Principles

Nonjudgmental awareness

What does it mean to bring attention to your experience without a filter?  It requires you to contextualize your emotions, sensations, thoughts, and urges as data of which to take note, rather than interpreting those events with certain labels or assumptions.

We tend toward these judgments naturally.  Have you ever had thoughts like, “This is bad,” “I am stupid,” or “That would be perfect”?  Most commonly, we label things as “good” or “bad.”  For example, you might feel excitement about an upcoming event and label that experience as “good,” but fear about driving through rush hour traffic is labeled as “bad.”  On the way, a car could cut you off in traffic, and you automatically have a negative thought about someone else, label the thought as “bad,” and become angry with yourself for having that thought. 

Instead of jumping to judge, this component encourages you to approach those thoughts and emotions differently.  Notice what happens and occurs in your body instead of instantly moving to label or assume something about yourself or someone else.

Let go of the “why”

We often seek to make meaning out of our experiences, whether consciously or not.  We have a natural tendency to try to figure out why things work the way we do, including our minds and our bodies.  However, that can sometimes backfire and prove unhelpful, particularly in situations that have many factors outside of your control.

Attempting to find the meaning behind an accident or sudden death can keep you stuck in pain much longer than is needed.  Similarly, wondering why you’ve been hit with chronic pain or illness simply intensifies the experience.  Staying with the present moment and experience without venturing into the “why” of it is another way to prevent losing contact with the present.

Mindfulness as an access point

Mindful awareness in ACT is intended to help you come to know and understand yourself more fully.  The purpose of mindfulness here, moreso than relaxation, is to recognize our minds, feelings, urges, body sensations, and experiences in a way that helps us come to terms with our reality.  Mindfulness is not emptying the mind, controlling the mind, or focusing concentration. Mindfulness can happen even if you aren’t sitting still or you struggle to focus on your body.  Any moment can provide an opportunity to check in and become more aware of your internal landscape.

There is no right or wrong way to approach mindfulness.  In fact, the way in which we approach mindful awareness can often teach us something about how we are living our lives and the challenges we experience.  Have trouble connecting with your body? That’s a piece of data you can take away and learn about yourself.  Find yourself falling asleep when you try to do a mindful breathing exercise? That could hint at some clues about your pace of life or your needs for sleep.  Let the process of mindfulness be another source of learning about yourself.

Practices

Create intentional space for mindful awareness

In your busy day, you might find it difficult to devote an extended period of time to a guided meditation or mindfulness exercise.  Instead, look for opportunities to create a moment or two where you pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and experiences in the present moment in a different manner than you would normally.  I’ve written previous articles about quick meditations or simple grounding exercises that may provide helpful strategies or ideas to implement this.

Use formal or informal practice

You might be someone who is well served by setting aside a specific time each day for a mindfulness meditation or grounding exercise, like those listed in the article above.  If that describes you, find a time in your day where you can slot 10-15 minutes to sit quietly, breathe, and bring awareness to your internal experience.  Meditation apps like Headspace or Calm may help you if guidance would feel supportive.

But what if you don’t have the time to set aside for mindfulness meditation?  Remember what we discussed earlier – you can be mindful at any moment throughout your day.  Bring awareness to the warm water on your hands and the smell of dish soap as you wash the dishes.  Notice the thoughts that are running through your mind while you’re out for a walk.  Pay attention to the feelings that arise in you while you’re having a conversation with your spouse or a friend.  Any moment can be a mindful moment if you choose to bring present awareness to your thoughts, emotions, sensations, and urges.

Build in a daily pause

Create a time each day where you can slow down and observe or describe your experiences.  This might be first thing in the morning before you hop out of bed or as you prepare to fall asleep.  You may want to set an alarm for some point during the day as a reminder to check in with your internal experience.  Focus on what’s happening, rather than interpreting what is happening through a label of judgment.  What’s more important for you is the growing awareness of what is happening internally, not the mind’s interpretation of what is happening.

Make it work for you

Don’t allow someone to tell you, “you need to meditate every day for 15 minutes or else you’re doing it wrong.”  As mentioned earlier, there is no right or wrong way to be mindful!  Adapt what works for your circumstances at this point in your life.  Allow for flexibility as you seek to connect more with the present moment, and let go of any rigid expectations or needs for the time.  Often you’ll find that it’s challenging to become aware of the present moment, or your experience doesn’t go how you would expect.  Resist the urge to label that as a “bad” experience and instead remember that it is all normal, part of the learning process, and also providing you with helpful information about yourself.

Keep an eye out in future weeks as we continue to explore the different components of psychological flexibility found in ACT that can help you get unstuck in your healing process.

Taking Courage Through the Storms of Life: A Reflection on the TED Connects Talk by Elizabeth Gilbert

If you’re reading this article in real-time, we’re all learning how to manage emotions through a major, unprecedented, global crisis in COVID-19.  We’re all being affected in some way, even though those specific patterns look different from person to person. 

Yet many of us will, at some point in our lives, walk through our own personal crises or traumas.  The loss of a job.  The betrayal of a spouse or partner.  The death of a loved one.  

Elizabeth Gilbert, author and creative thinker, recently was featured on an episode of TED Connects processing responses to the COVID-19 crisis.  In her talk, she shares reflections on emotional impact of this crisis and ways to shift thinking and behavior in order to offer more compassion and grace for ourselves.  While the principles in this video fit the crisis we’re facing collectively right now, they also shed have universal principles for personal crises you may face.

Here are a few of the key takeaways I gathered from listening to this talk.

Anxiety

Gilbert encourages us to give ourselves mercy and compassion for any emotions we experience through this crisis.  When we realize that our experience is normal and that everyone is going through or would go through some version of this same response, it helps take some of the pressure off to have it all together.  When you’re in a personal crisis, finding a grief or support group or talking with someone who’s been through this crisis before can be a great help, as it hits home that you aren’t alone and others understand what you’re going through.

Recognizing your resilience is another component she shares that will help you have confidence to make it through your crisis.  Reflect on past experiences that have been challenging or painful. Remind yourself of how you made it through and what allowed you to do so.  Review this list when you find yourself struggling to maintain compassion or courage despite the crisis.

Practicing presence and gratitude are also important.  Instead of numbing out or trying to escape, pay attention to the emotions you’re experiencing in the present, even if they’re uncomfortable.  Notice the things that you have in your life that you are grateful for. Make lists and speak these words of appreciation out loud.

She also highlights the myth of control: anxiety comes out of believing that we’re in control of our lives, when in reality we have little to no control over our circumstances.  We are only in control of our own actions, beliefs, thoughts, and choices.  When you surrender control, you’re allowing yourself to be released from the burden of anxiety and the myth that you can be in control of your circumstance.

“Surrender means letting go of something you never even had.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Loneliness

Living through a crisis can be an inherently isolating experience, and you likely have to cope with loneliness in a new way.  Notice your tendencies toward escaping or avoiding and how the crisis may have removed some of those coping mechanisms.  Recognize the ways your behaviors function as a way for you to withdraw from painful emotions.  Consider exploring negative emotions that arise, journaling through them, asking yourself what you fear and what you run from. 

Use this crisis as a way to get to know your mind and practice shifting your thinking.  You might notice more self-doubt, criticism, judgment, or fear.  Take inventory of your self-defeating thoughts so you can recognize them when they arise and begin to fact-check them with reality.  Just like focusing more on gratitude, this mindset shift requires intentional action.  You can literally change structures in your brain as you begin to make these shifts.

“The hardest person in the entire world to be with is yourself.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Productivity and Creating

While discussing creativity during a crisis, Gilbert references the fact that she prefers following “curiosity” rather than purpose and passion.  What might change in your life if you focused more on following your curiosity? Rather than focusing on what you “should” be doing, consider what you’re curious about and move toward that. 

Recognize that anxiety and fear stifle your ability to be productive or creative as well.  The content you consume impacts your mind and your capacity to focus.  Instead of trying to shame or beat yourself up into being more productive, release those “shoulds” and give yourself more freedom.

She also suggests reframing the crisis as a retreat, or a stimulus for learning.  She suggests doing what you used to do as a child, returning to play, as a way of coping with the difficult emotions that arise and awakening greater creativity within yourself.

A Note on Spirituality

Much of what Elizabeth shares in this TED talk is interwoven with her spiritual understanding.  While I disagree with the foundations of her spirituality, I think she offers concepts that can be adapted to a Christian worldview and can lead you to take a more grace-filled approach toward yourself in a season of crisis.  If you also share Christian beliefs, I encourage you to consider how some of the following ideas may help you.

Write a letter to yourself from God.

Near the end of the video, Elizabeth shares a practice that she engages in daily where she writes a letter to herself from “love.”  As I listened to her read her example letter aloud, I realized that the words “love” was saying to her were strikingly similar to how God speaks and comforts His people – phrases such as, “I’m with you.”  “I’ve got this.”  “You are my beloved.”  The connection between these words of love and God comes through the understanding that God is love (1 John 4:16) and that His perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).

How might you write a letter to yourself from the point of view of God, who loves you unconditionally (Romans 8:35-39) and has promised to be with you forever (Matthew 28:20)? What would God say to you in your current circumstance, in your pain, in your struggle?  If you struggle to hear God’s voice as a voice of love, start out by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and replace the word “love” with “God.”  If God is all of the things listed in that passage, how might he speak to you? 

Surrender control through prayer.

As mentioned earlier, releasing anxiety involves recognizing that you never had control in the first place.  We are not in control, but God is (Colossians 1:16-17).  When you recognize your powerlessness over your circumstance, you can use prayer as a way to remind yourself of this fact.  Refocusing on prayer helps us to come back to God and surrender to Him what we cannot control. 

I reference the Serenity prayer often because I think its simple structure provides a framework for releasing control and seeking wisdom.  It goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Listen to the Holy Spirit.

In the talk, Elizabeth shares a story about a woman who became dangerously lost on a hike.   She offered up a prayer of surrender when she realized she was in trouble and felt led by her intuition to act in a way that would preserve her safety.  This reminded me of the importance of asking for wisdom and guidance from God (James 1:5) and being open to the Holy Spirit’s direction and leading (John 16).  Of course, it is important to compare where we feel led by the Spirit to Scriptural truth to determine its validity, but it was a helpful reminder to listen to where God is leading rather than trying to figure it all out on our own.

Find Your Power: How Your Posture Can Change Everything

I find myself curling up into a ball a lot.  I sleep in the fetal position, feel most comfortable when I’m sitting cross legged on a couch, and I love child’s pose in yoga.  I’ve always enjoyed curling up in a tight little ball, like a porcupine or turtle.

I also notice that when I’m feeling uncomfortable, ashamed, nervous, or vulnerable, I tend to curl into one of these positions.  I might bring my feet up to my chair and wrap my arms around my knees, slouch my back, or look down at my lap with my arms crossed.  I describe the feeling of shame like a hook on my navel that pulls back, causing me to close in on myself.  Someone once told me that I make myself small in these moments, both in my presence and my physical posture.

Our body language and the way we hold ourselves communicates a lot.  We notice it when we’re arguing with our spouse or facing our boss: nonverbals can often tell us more about what the other person is thinking than the words they say.  According to Amy Cuddy, author of Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges*, our physical postures don’t only communicate messages to others, but they also communicate messages to ourselves.

You may have heard of (and potentially scoffed at) the concept of power posing made popular by Amy Cuddy’s research and TED talk.  She references her research that shows evidence that taking on a powerful, open posture (like Wonder Woman) before an evaluative event, like an interview, can help you to feel more confident and present your authentic self during that interview.  Although her research has faced some criticism, I believe her basic concepts of confidence, authenticity, and presence still stand.

What I realized is that I need to address the shame and insecurity that causes me to take on the defensive and protective posture in the first place.

When listening to this TED talk, I didn’t take away that I only need to take on a physical pose to fix my insecurities.  What I realized is that I need to address the shame and insecurity that causes me to take on the defensive and protective posture in the first place.

Notice that the power posture is described by taking up more space and making yourself big.  Physically, you are opening up.  But this is not just a physical phenomenon.    When we choose to be authentic, honest, and genuine with our true selves, we are opening ourselves up to potential criticism or risk of rejection.  We are taking up space in ways that might be uncomfortable for others.  We are making sure those around us know who we are, and we are not afraid to be ourselves.

“Don’t just fake it 'til you make it.  Fake it 'til you become it.”

As women, this can feel countercultural.  Gender stereotypes about women encourage “meekness,” being quiet, sacrificing your own needs for the needs of your husband or family, and being “nice.”  In the process, we can take on a subservient posture, making ourselves small to the point that we almost feel invisible or unimportant.  I’m not surprised by Amy Cuddy’s observation that women tend to close up in that posture much more often: in many cases, we’ve been taught to do that since we were young. 

Making myself small wasn’t just a comfortable physical position.  It also hinted at areas of shame, anxiety, insecurity, and uncertainty about my ability to be truly loved.  I would make myself as small as possible not to be an inconvenience to others, whether that was physically or through keeping myself quiet and avoiding conflict or speaking my mind.

What’s interesting is that as you begin to step into a place of greater confidence, power, and certainty of your true identity, it’s not as if you’re putting on a fake persona or changing your personality.  It might feel like that at first, like a new pair of shoes that has yet to be broken in.  But as you begin to take up more space, you’ll find that you are able to be a more authentic and genuine version of yourself without hiding behind your insecurities and fears.

I had to give voice to the parts of me that had been silently screaming beneath the surface for years.  I had to learn to say “no”, and “wait”, and “I need”.

Amy shares her own story of insecurity and impostor syndrome.  She had to fight to prove to herself and everyone else around her that she deserved to be where she was.  And that was not an easy battle.  But the hard-fought battle was eventually won.

It took some serious self-reflection and change in my understanding of my own insecurities in order for me to begin to take up more space.  I had to give voice to the parts of me that had been silently screaming beneath the surface for years.  I had to learn to say “no”, and “wait”, and “I need”.  But as this shift has taken place, I feel a distinctive difference in how I approach life.  I feel confident.  I feel powerful.  I feel strong in ways I didn't think I could feel.

I’ve noticed something as I’ve started to do yoga.  Often we stand in mountain pose or recline in crescent lunge for a few breath cycles.  These poses are confident, open, and powerful postures to take on.  I know that as I am standing in these postures, focusing on my breathing, and highly aware of my body, I am feeling confident.  Do I believe that confidence extends to the rest of my day?  I can’t say for sure.  But I do know that it brings a moment of confidence and certainty to my authentic self that I wouldn’t experience if I didn’t take those strong, powerful moments.