We live in a culture that tells us that our value and worth come from status symbols and outward signs of success. These status markers show up in distinct ways: an expensive car, a leadership position at work, a vast number of social media followers, the approval of our friends and family, the number of hours we’ve worked in the past week, our grade point average, how many games we’ve won, how many publications our names are on…the list could go on. Consider for yourself: what are your personal signs of success?
These symbols aren’t necessarily a bad thing in and of themselves. Often, they signify good goals for which to strive. But when your internal value or worth as a human being hinges upon achieving these goals or reaching a certain status marker, then you set yourself up for anxiety, pressure, discouragement, and eventual disappointment.
A mistaken belief that underlies desire for status or power is that your value or worth as a person comes from what you do or how well you do it. Endless pursuit of these symbols of achievement without satisfaction are a hallmark of perfectionism. “Type A” personalities and prestigious academic settings with high achieving students are examples of where this mindset thrives. People who define themselves by a certain career path or role in life can be devastated by job loss or perceived failure.
What are some signs that you might be defining yourself by your performance?
Experiencing intense anxiety or fear around activities or situations in which you might be on display
Feeling devastated by constructive criticism
Excessive worry about losing your job, promotion, GPA, or position in some area of your life
Believing that you are worthless without your status symbol
Feelings of failure or believing that you are a failure
Constant comparison with others where you find yourself lacking
Staying busy doing things so you feel good about yourself, even though you’re feeling burned out and exhausted
Trying to prove yourself in some way to others
This overemphasis on finding value or worth in what we achieve creates people who are beaten down by their life experiences, dealing with clinical levels of anxiety or depression that discourage them and make their attempts to achieve even more difficult. Instead of encouraging you to improve or creating a drive to do better, the negative thought patterns that come with perfectionism and a performance-based identity lead to discouragement and a lack of motivation.
What are some of those thought patterns that are associated with placing your value and worth in your achievement and success?
Performance-Based Belief Systems
If I can’t do this, I am bad (won’t be loved, will be rejected, will be alone).
This belief ties your identity as a person to your ability to achieve, connecting to the belief that love or respect of others will be taken away if you fail. You may feel like all of your actions are on display to be judged and found lacking by others. These fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to feel pressure to always do the right thing, which eventually becomes impossible.
How does he/she do it all?
Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself can lead you to see others as more competent or capable than you are. A sign of comparison to others is believing that you “should” be able to do as much as someone else and a belief that you are “less than” because you can’t.
I feel good because I was able to achieve ____.
Even though this thought looks positive at the start, it actually hints at the presence of a performance-based value or worth. What happens if you don’t achieve that in the future? What happens when you do fail? Does that influence your belief in your inherent worth or value?
If I’m not a perfect (mom/employee/boss/student), then I’m worthless.
It is impossible to be perfect, and perfection does not equal worth. Like the comparison-based belief above, this thought indicates setting a standard far above and beyond what is needed. We all make mistakes and are imperfect as part of our nature, but that doesn’t make us worthless.
How to Respond to Performance-Based Beliefs
Focus on your personality instead of your achievements.
Instead of basing your worth on the things you do or achieve, list different aspects of your personality that you like. This may prove difficult, as you might slip into what is familiar: listing positive things that you do. Alternatively, you could find yourself stalling out after a short list and descend into more self-critical thinking. Allow this process to take time, as chances are you’re not accustomed to speaking to yourself in kind and affirming language.
Shut off the comparison trap.
Limit your time on social media. Pay attention to your thoughts about others and rather than feeling jealous or comparing yourself to them, ask yourself how you can be grateful for that person’s role in your life. Remember that often you are comparing your insides (your doubts, fears, anxieties, perceived failures) to someone else’s outsides (what they post online). It may be time to unfollow certain people on social media if you find that their posts stir up too much of this comparison dynamic in you.
Consider the impact of your past.
Our past experiences influence the way we view ourselves and the world around us. How might they be influencing your thinking? Look for moments where you first felt perfectionism or a need for success most strongly. Why was success important for you in your past? What happened when you didn’t succeed? Did you have an overly critical parent, teacher, or other adult figure in your life? How might they have influenced you?
Ask yourself how you’d treat others.
Identify people in your life who have made mistakes, but of whom you don’t think negatively. What makes those people different from you? We are our own harshest critics. In many cases, we would never talk to a friend or loved one the way we talk to ourselves. For many of us, we wouldn’t consider seeing someone else as worthless or without value because they’ve made mistakes.
Alternatively, you might notice that you are critical or judgmental of others when they make mistakes. Often having high standards for yourself means you expect others to meet those high standards too. Consider how it might feel to release those standards and be free of the disappointment and anger associated with both your and others’ mistakes.
Act out of your values.
Performance-based thinking often comes with a list of “shoulds.” Living by these “shoulds” is a setup for failure, because you’ll never be able to meet them to your level of satisfaction. The standard will constantly get higher: you may achieve one part of your “should,” but it won’t be enough.
Instead, focus on your core values. Examples include integrity, love, health, creativity, support, generosity, personal growth, etc. Ask yourself what is important to you at your core, not what other people think should be your values. When you know what our personal values are, that leads the way to choose value-based actions that aren’t driven by trying to prove yourself, but instead are driven by who you are.
A Christian Perspective
If you are of the Christian faith, church involvement and service can become another way in which you tie your value to your performance. Striving to be a “good Christian” or to “do the right thing for Jesus” might be ways these beliefs shift to meet a Christian lifestyle.
The desire to serve God by itself is not a bad thing: in its best form, it comes from wanting to respond to the love of God we have received. But other times, the motivation for this service is based in a faulty theology of God. It sees God as a taskmaster demanding obedience, rather than a generous and kind Father who loves you so unconditionally that He will welcome you home even when you fail miserably (see Luke 15:11-32 and Romans 5:8).
Our value and worth as Christians does not come from our activities, performance, or actions. Whenever we say we’re trying to be a “good Christian,” that denies our powerlessness to be good on our own apart from God. We are only able to offer out of what we’ve already been given (see Ephesians 2:8-10).
In the Christian life, our primary identity is not defined by how “good” we are or how perfectly we follow the rules. We are first and most essentially children of God, beloved, secure, and cared for by our Father. When that is our identity rather than what we do, we are much more likely to be at peace with ourselves and be able to act out of our values instead of trying to earn God’s favor or love. You already have God’s favor just by being His child! There is no more that can be done to make God love you more or less (Romans 8:38-39).