For many partners of sex and love addicts, betrayal trauma from discovering affairs or addiction can bring up a flood of questions: why did this happen? Am I not attractive enough for my partner? Have I not been enough sexually? Am I stupid for not seeing this sooner? Did he/she ever really love me, or was it just a lie?
This panicked flurry of questions is an attempt for your mind to make sense of something that is senseless, to explain why the addiction occurred. It is a natural response to the acute stress of the trauma and the mind’s natural tendency to try to understand what has just happened to you. Unfortunately, many of these questions damage your sense of self-worth as they create misleading conclusions about the reasons for your partner’s addiction.
Often, the self-doubt that hits you first is influenced by deeply-rooted insecurities that already exist in your heart. For example, you may already struggle with self-consciousness about body image and your fluctuating weight because of teasing and body comparison in your teenage years. If this is the case, discovering your partner’s addiction may lead you to compare your body to images in pornography or affair partners, creating hatred toward your body. Perfectionism, codependency, sexual issues, or aspects of your personality can create sources of self-doubt.
These doubts are made worse when the addict is still in denial over his or her addiction and points out flaws in you that divert attention away from the addiction. Your spouse may blame physical changes or weight gain for not wanting to be intimate. He or she may criticize your parenting or spending. Before your discovery of the addiction, these accusations may have led you to question yourself and set you up for a pattern that continues even after you find out about the addiction.
Discovering a partner’s sex and love addiction or betrayal targets your pain points, adds a few new ones to the mix, and creates the perfect storm that can wreak havoc on your sense of self-worth.
Signs of Impact on Your Self-Worth
Consider the list below of common indicators of insecurity or self-doubt triggered by the discovery of addiction. Which of these symptoms have you experienced? How are they playing out in your relationship today?
Ambivalence about staying or leaving in the relationship.
Ambivalence is not synonymous with indifference: rather, it is the experience of a push-and-pull between two different extremes that you want at the same time. You may have felt disgusted and wanted to get away from your spouse, but less than an hour later you feel love for him or her and a desire to fix the issues in the marriage.
When you have this push-and-pull of ambivalence, it is common to become self-critical and angry with yourself for wanting either extreme. You might fear the judgment of others if you choose either option. Feeling stuck in not knowing what to do creates a sense of shame and self-contempt that can reinforce your insecurities.
Mood swings between self-contempt and contempt toward the addict.
Similar to the ambivalence between staying or leaving, you might also flip-flop between extremes of hatred for the addict and contempt toward yourself. You feel angry about what they have done to cause harm to you and your family, but then experience self-hatred for allowing yourself to be in a relationship with an addict. You blame yourself for their choice to step out on the marriage because you feel inadequate, but then you feel rage at them for gaslighting you into believing that you were the problem.
Shame around sexual desires or negative beliefs about your sexual self.
In some cases, partners find themselves desiring to be sexual with their spouses after the discovery of addiction. You might be motivated by a desire to secure your partner’s love or to prove that you are satisfying sexually. Other partners start out wanting nothing to do with sexual intimacy with their spouses but find themselves confused when sexual desire does arise. Either response can lead to shame, as sexual desire feels contradictory or minimizing to the impact of the betrayal trauma.
A partner’s sex addiction also has a unique impact on beliefs about your sexual self, namely communicating that you are not enough sexually for your spouse. You can begin to question what you offer sexually and feel unattractive or unappealing. Your sexual self (your masculinity or femininity) and identity are linked together so closely that betrayal in this sexual realm can deeply impact the core of who you are.
Comparison of your body to affair partners or pornographic images.
Many partners wonder why the addict was drawn to objectify or sexualize other people through pornography or affairs. You might explain this by coming to the conclusion that you were not attractive enough, or that your partner is sexually interested in people who look different than you. These insecurities can arise for partners who have a history of body image issues or are feeling dissatisfied with their weight and health, but it can also come up for those who have never felt concerned about their body image.
Feeling stupid or foolish for not knowing the addiction was happening.
How could I have missed this? For many, the discovery of addiction occurs after the addicted spouse has been acting out for years. Often, the addiction started long before the two of you met, although it may have escalated into more intensity while the two of you have been together. You likely were blind to the addict’s sexual behaviors because of their skill at deception and dishonesty throughout the course of your relationship. The shock of discovering the addiction may lead you to feel like you were stupid for missing it. The fear of being duped or fooled again can lead to difficulty trusting your partner.
Believing the addiction was somehow your fault.
Despite the fact that the addiction likely existed long before you and the addict got together, you might find yourself struggling with self-blame and looking to your personal flaws and mistakes as justification for the addict’s actions. You might believe the emotional manipulation and criticism your partner has shared toward you, or you might have insecurities based on abuse or harm from your past that tell you that you are unlovable or worthless. You might notice a chorus of “if onlys” telling you that if you were different in some way, your partner wouldn’t have chosen their addiction.
Suicidal or homicidal thoughts.
At its most extreme, the hopelessness and depression that comes with the trauma of discovery can lead to thoughts of taking your own life. Similarly, moments of rage toward your spouse can create thoughts or situations where you could do harm to him or others. If you are experiencing suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency facility.
Self-destructive behaviors.
Even if you haven’t gotten to the extreme of suicidal or homicidal thoughts, you may be engaging in self-destructive behaviors as a way to subtly punish yourself or to retaliate in a way that gives you a sense of control. You might have your own affair or seek out the attention of others in response to finding out about the addiction. You might escape into disordered eating for a sense of comfort. You may relapse into your own addiction or find yourself turning to alcohol, drugs, or habits such as shopping or gambling as a way to get relief from the pain you’re feeling.
In future parts of this self-worth series, we’ll review statements of truth that contradict these sources of low self-worth and move you toward a more accurate view of yourself, as well as create a plan of empowerment and change for the future.