Taking Courage Through the Storms of Life: A Reflection on the TED Connects Talk by Elizabeth Gilbert

If you’re reading this article in real-time, we’re all learning how to manage emotions through a major, unprecedented, global crisis in COVID-19.  We’re all being affected in some way, even though those specific patterns look different from person to person. 

Yet many of us will, at some point in our lives, walk through our own personal crises or traumas.  The loss of a job.  The betrayal of a spouse or partner.  The death of a loved one.  

Elizabeth Gilbert, author and creative thinker, recently was featured on an episode of TED Connects processing responses to the COVID-19 crisis.  In her talk, she shares reflections on emotional impact of this crisis and ways to shift thinking and behavior in order to offer more compassion and grace for ourselves.  While the principles in this video fit the crisis we’re facing collectively right now, they also shed have universal principles for personal crises you may face.

Here are a few of the key takeaways I gathered from listening to this talk.

Anxiety

Gilbert encourages us to give ourselves mercy and compassion for any emotions we experience through this crisis.  When we realize that our experience is normal and that everyone is going through or would go through some version of this same response, it helps take some of the pressure off to have it all together.  When you’re in a personal crisis, finding a grief or support group or talking with someone who’s been through this crisis before can be a great help, as it hits home that you aren’t alone and others understand what you’re going through.

Recognizing your resilience is another component she shares that will help you have confidence to make it through your crisis.  Reflect on past experiences that have been challenging or painful. Remind yourself of how you made it through and what allowed you to do so.  Review this list when you find yourself struggling to maintain compassion or courage despite the crisis.

Practicing presence and gratitude are also important.  Instead of numbing out or trying to escape, pay attention to the emotions you’re experiencing in the present, even if they’re uncomfortable.  Notice the things that you have in your life that you are grateful for. Make lists and speak these words of appreciation out loud.

She also highlights the myth of control: anxiety comes out of believing that we’re in control of our lives, when in reality we have little to no control over our circumstances.  We are only in control of our own actions, beliefs, thoughts, and choices.  When you surrender control, you’re allowing yourself to be released from the burden of anxiety and the myth that you can be in control of your circumstance.

“Surrender means letting go of something you never even had.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Loneliness

Living through a crisis can be an inherently isolating experience, and you likely have to cope with loneliness in a new way.  Notice your tendencies toward escaping or avoiding and how the crisis may have removed some of those coping mechanisms.  Recognize the ways your behaviors function as a way for you to withdraw from painful emotions.  Consider exploring negative emotions that arise, journaling through them, asking yourself what you fear and what you run from. 

Use this crisis as a way to get to know your mind and practice shifting your thinking.  You might notice more self-doubt, criticism, judgment, or fear.  Take inventory of your self-defeating thoughts so you can recognize them when they arise and begin to fact-check them with reality.  Just like focusing more on gratitude, this mindset shift requires intentional action.  You can literally change structures in your brain as you begin to make these shifts.

“The hardest person in the entire world to be with is yourself.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Productivity and Creating

While discussing creativity during a crisis, Gilbert references the fact that she prefers following “curiosity” rather than purpose and passion.  What might change in your life if you focused more on following your curiosity? Rather than focusing on what you “should” be doing, consider what you’re curious about and move toward that. 

Recognize that anxiety and fear stifle your ability to be productive or creative as well.  The content you consume impacts your mind and your capacity to focus.  Instead of trying to shame or beat yourself up into being more productive, release those “shoulds” and give yourself more freedom.

She also suggests reframing the crisis as a retreat, or a stimulus for learning.  She suggests doing what you used to do as a child, returning to play, as a way of coping with the difficult emotions that arise and awakening greater creativity within yourself.

A Note on Spirituality

Much of what Elizabeth shares in this TED talk is interwoven with her spiritual understanding.  While I disagree with the foundations of her spirituality, I think she offers concepts that can be adapted to a Christian worldview and can lead you to take a more grace-filled approach toward yourself in a season of crisis.  If you also share Christian beliefs, I encourage you to consider how some of the following ideas may help you.

Write a letter to yourself from God.

Near the end of the video, Elizabeth shares a practice that she engages in daily where she writes a letter to herself from “love.”  As I listened to her read her example letter aloud, I realized that the words “love” was saying to her were strikingly similar to how God speaks and comforts His people – phrases such as, “I’m with you.”  “I’ve got this.”  “You are my beloved.”  The connection between these words of love and God comes through the understanding that God is love (1 John 4:16) and that His perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).

How might you write a letter to yourself from the point of view of God, who loves you unconditionally (Romans 8:35-39) and has promised to be with you forever (Matthew 28:20)? What would God say to you in your current circumstance, in your pain, in your struggle?  If you struggle to hear God’s voice as a voice of love, start out by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and replace the word “love” with “God.”  If God is all of the things listed in that passage, how might he speak to you? 

Surrender control through prayer.

As mentioned earlier, releasing anxiety involves recognizing that you never had control in the first place.  We are not in control, but God is (Colossians 1:16-17).  When you recognize your powerlessness over your circumstance, you can use prayer as a way to remind yourself of this fact.  Refocusing on prayer helps us to come back to God and surrender to Him what we cannot control. 

I reference the Serenity prayer often because I think its simple structure provides a framework for releasing control and seeking wisdom.  It goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Listen to the Holy Spirit.

In the talk, Elizabeth shares a story about a woman who became dangerously lost on a hike.   She offered up a prayer of surrender when she realized she was in trouble and felt led by her intuition to act in a way that would preserve her safety.  This reminded me of the importance of asking for wisdom and guidance from God (James 1:5) and being open to the Holy Spirit’s direction and leading (John 16).  Of course, it is important to compare where we feel led by the Spirit to Scriptural truth to determine its validity, but it was a helpful reminder to listen to where God is leading rather than trying to figure it all out on our own.

Releasing the Shoulds: Freeing Yourself of Impossibly High Standards So You Can Live

Do you feel a vague sense of guilt when you fail or make mistakes?  Have you been described as a perfectionist or a type A person?  Many of us, particularly if we grew up in an environment with high expectations, have learned a certain set of standards around our behavior that can feel overwhelming to maintain.

Sometimes, we hold those same standards for others.  When we are disappointed by a friend or family member who lets us down or fails to meet our expectations, we are angry at them.  If they don’t read our minds and know what we need, it causes an argument.  We become overly critical of family and friends, gossiping about others, or feeling bitterness and resentment that build to a breaking point.

Or we may want our circumstances to be perfect and are crushed when they don’t work out the way we think they should.  There are so many factors outside our control: jobs, family, others’ choices, natural disasters, or even positive experiences – you name it.  When our circumstances don’t fit into our perfect mold, how do we then respond?  Are we able to adapt or do we feel cheated out of the way things “should” have been?

If any of the above experiences sound like you, it might be time to take a look at the “shoulds” you’re carrying around and how they’re working (or likely, not working) for you.

Recognizing the Shoulds

Identify the areas where you feel a sense of “should.”

It can be as easy as listening to your self-talk and identifying where you hear the word “should.”  I should, I have to, I ought to, I must…do any of these words populate your vocabulary?  In what situations do you say those words to yourself in your mind? 

Pay attention to your emotions, particularly shame and fear.

Maybe it’s not so clear to you in which situations you feel pressure to meet a standard.  In that case, recognizing shame can help.  First, identify what shame feels like in your body.  Red cheeks, a knot in your stomach, a desire to run and hide?  Think about a circumstance when you’ve felt shame in the past.  What were the words running through your mind?

Similarly, fear can be an indicator that you’re responding to a perceived set of “shoulds.”  If you’re afraid of what others think of you, even if it’s just in one particular area like work, ask yourself where you learned to fear their opinion. Connect it back to previous experiences where you may have felt fear about the opinions of others.

Look at what bothers you most about other people.

When you pinpoint the areas where you’re most critical of others, ask yourself if you can relate to their struggles in any way.  In the Bible, when Jesus speaks of judging others, he says, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)  Often the behaviors we criticize in others are areas in which we are imperfect or insecure ourselves.

Look at where you’re most likely to criticize others and see if you can relate to their struggles.  You may not be dealing with the issue exactly the way they are handling it, but your response might hint at a “should.”  For example, if I believe others “should” respond to my emails within a few hours of receiving them, it might be worthwhile to check my own habits for responding to emails.  If I do respond quickly, I might identify how that “should” has been affecting my stress levels and mood.

What happens if I don’t do what I “should” do?  What type of person would that make me?  Do I have a rigid expectation of myself here?  Is there space for me to receive or extend grace and understanding to myself or others? 

See where you’re jealous of others.

Another insight from criticism involves recognizing if you want something others have.  You might compare your life to theirs, thinking, “I wish I could do what they’re doing.”  For example, criticizing someone for taking an afternoon off work to attend a child’s sporting event might hint that you have a rigid expectation that you can’t leave the office to do something similar.  Explore what you believe you can’t or “don’t have permission to” do that others can do, and see if that’s based in any “shoulds.”

Releasing the Shoulds

“Okay great, but now what?”  It might have been easy for you to figure out what “shoulds” drive your life, but despite your knowledge of them, you haven’t been able to shake them.  They feel like a constant chorus that echoes through your mind and weighs you down.  Try some of the following steps to let go of those expectations of yourself and release the pressure.

Identify what’s in your control and what’s not in your control.

You have control over your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.  You cannot control the thoughts, emotions, choices, and beliefs of others.  There are some life circumstances you have control over and others you don’t.  When you clarify if you are truly in control of your situation, you may be able to release unrealistic expectations you have on yourself.

This can also help you realize that you aren’t the only one responsible or in control of caring for others.  When your “shoulds” take on a tone of responsibility for others (“If I don’t help them/fill this volunteer role/work the extra hours, then who will?”), recognizing that you aren’t the only one who can take action can release you from the pressure to help.  You may still have some influence, but there are other people or circumstances that may carry responsibility in the lives of the ones you help.

Separate “perfect” from “good.”

Perfectionism often drives these “should” statements, and a hallmark of perfectionism is the belief that perfect and good are the same thing.  In other words, if I don’t do this perfectly, it is bad.  In order for something to be good, it has to be perfect. 

This requires some deconstructing and redefining “good and “perfect”.  Reframe your beliefs to see that things can be good even if they aren’t perfect.  Look for examples where what you’ve produced hasn’t been perfect, but it has been good.  Search for ways in which “good enough” has been good, even when it hasn’t met your unrealistic, high expectations.

Ask yourself what you think will happen if you fail.

What would you believe about yourself if you were to fail or make mistakes in this area?  You might end up uncovering a deeper core belief about yourself that’s driving your “should” responses.  For example, you might believe that if you don’t live up to these high standards you’ll be rejected and unloved.

If you already have these underlying beliefs, no amount of perfection will fix the beliefs.  Until you recognize the origins of the belief and do the work to dismantle it, you won’t be able to let go.

Pretend like you’re talking to a friend.

For many of us, we would never talk to our friends the way that we talk to ourselves.  The amount of negativity and self-criticism that makes up the majority of our self-talk would leave us friendless if we used those words on other people.

Imagine you are having a conversation with a friend who told you about all the “should” statements they were wrestling with.  What might you stay to them in response?  What realistic expectations to you hold for them that you might not hold for yourself? 

Let yourself “break the rules” and see what happens.

When you’ve lived by a rule of “shoulds” your whole life, letting loose and breaking the rules feels like a big no-no.  Give this a try: intentionally set out to do the opposite of what the “shoulds” say to do.  Then observe what happens.  Do you fail? Are your fears confirmed? 

In many cases, what you learn is that breaking the rules doesn’t kill you, nor does it leave you rejected and abandoned.  The worst-case scenario that held you back is discredited. 

To be fair, in some situations you may experience responses that seem to confirm your beliefs.  In this case, learn from those experiences.  Pay attention to your emotional response and self-talk, and be aware of when you’ve felt that way before.  If you can pinpoint earlier experiences similar to this one, that’s a hint at the origins of the high standard you keep.

Doing the work of “releasing the shoulds” is difficult, but it is absolutely worth it.  The relief you’ll feel at letting go of the crushing weight of pressure that you put on yourself will free you up to live your life more authentically.  It will improve your relationships as you drop the criticism and gain more empathy and understanding for others.

Are You an Unreliable Narrator in Your Own Life?: How Cognitive Distortions Manipulate Your Thoughts

Have you noticed the trend in popular fiction where thrillers are becoming all the rage?  Books like Gone Girl and Girl on the Train have become increasingly popular.  A common element in many of these novels is the “unreliable narrator.”  At some point during the novel, there’s a twist that clues us in to the fact that the narrator may be filtering the truth in such a way that works to their advantage or tells their side of the story.  This plot device adds an additional layer of mystery to the text as we try to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.

When have you realized that what you believed was true was wrong all along?

We tend to filter our experience through our beliefs about people and the world around us in a way that twists reality and leads us to doubt what we know to be true.  It can start with one mistaken belief or critical comment.  Before we know it, that statement grows into an internal voice that leads us to filter our beliefs through this new lens.  In depression and anxiety, this is particularly common, as these disorders add an additional filter to our thoughts that twists them to be even more inaccurate, becoming what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.”

What is a cognitive distortion?

Cognitive distortions are “exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety.”

I think of it like the fun house attraction at those traveling fairs that rolled into town in your childhood.  Typically they featured mirrors that distorted your body shape and size.  This is a fitting picture of how our thoughts filter through these different lenses of reality and twist our beliefs into cognitive distortions.

Common Cognitive Distortions and Their Antidotes

While there are several different types of cognitive distortions, here are a few of the most common ones I’ve seen with depression and anxiety.  Alongside an example of each, I’ll provide an antidote (some ideas to try if you notice these are the filters you default to most commonly) and an adaptive thought (an example of a shift in thinking in response to that distortion).

All-or-nothing thinking happens when we believe that only two extremes exist, with no room for gray area in between.  We think in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, pass or fail. 

• Example: “If I do poorly on this test, that means I’m a failure.”

• Antidote: Make room for the gray in your life. We all make mistakes or do things poorly, but there are likely plenty of positives in your life as well. Think in terms of better and best instead of right and wrong.

• Adaptive Thought: “One bad grade doesn’t disqualify the other good grades I’ve gotten or the hard work I put into studying.”

Overgeneralization occurs when we take an isolated event and expect that all other similar events will happen in the same way.

• Example: “What’s the point of going out on dates? The last guy I dated didn’t call me back after the first date, so why should I expect anything different?”

• Antidote: Recognize that each situation you experience is unique. If you believe this pattern exists, look for examples to disprove that pattern.

• Adaptive Thought: “So that last date didn’t work out? We must’ve not been the right fit. The next guy I date might be a better fit for me.”

Jumping to conclusions involves assuming we already know how others will perceive us or how a situation will play out.

• Example: “My friend didn’t say hi to me at church the other day – I must’ve done something wrong or offended her.”

• Antidote: Reality check that assumption by either asking the other person if your belief is true or think of alternative explanations for what happened.

• Adaptive Thought: “My friend might’ve been caught up in a conversation and didn’t see me at church, so it makes sense why she wouldn’t have said hi.”

Personalization is the belief that everything that happens around us is a direct response to something we have done or said.  This can lead to taking too much responsibility for how others respond to us, or worry that we’re being judged.

• Example: “This party is so awkward – it must be because I’m so awkward and I’m ruining the night for everyone.”

• Antidote: Set an internal boundary: affirm that you are not responsible for the thoughts and reactions of other people. What are some other reasons for the situation?

• Adaptive Thought: “This party is kind of awkward because we don’t all know each other yet. Maybe I can start up a conversation with someone new or suggest a game to play!”

“Shoulds” involve thinking that we “should” do things a certain way, and if we don’t, it is a poor reflection on us or our character.

• Example: “I should be exercising 5 days a week and if I’m not, I’m lazy.”

• Antidote: Search for the source of that belief (family, friends, media, school, church, self) and explore why it has such an impact on you. Give yourself freedom to say “no” to it. Frame your decisions as a choice of what you want to do instead of “should” do.

• Adaptive Thought: “I’d like to exercise more. I can choose to go for a run this afternoon.”

Emotional reasoning takes place when have a certain emotional response to our circumstances and come to accept that feeling as truth.

• Example: “I feel ugly, so it must be true.”

• Antidote: Remind yourself that emotions are changeable. Look for evidence that stands in direct contrast to the beliefs those emotions are telling you.

• Adaptive Thought: “Even though I feel ugly, I know I’m feeling worse than usual today because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I know those emotions will pass.”

Which of these cognitive distortions do you see the world through most often?  How can you actively seek to change those filters and become a more reliable narrator in your life?

This article was originally published on July 6, 2017.

Creating Hope in Chaos: A Therapist's Guide to Thriving During the COVID-19 Crisis

The current upheaval to many of our daily lives as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak is something we as a society have never experienced before.  Every person is affected directly or indirectly, by stay-at-home orders, closures of stores and restaurants, financial shifts, and the spread of the illness.  It’s easy for those who do not typically struggle with anxiety or depression to feel the stress of this moment in the world.

This makes the call to care for our mental health that much more important.  But how can we do that when many of us are stuck at home?  Here are a few ideas that may help you not only to get through this crisis, but perhaps to begin to thrive in the midst of and as a result of it.  Engaging in items on this list can create opportunities to change the way you approach your life for the long-term.

Reducing Anxiety

Limit your media intake. The public health crisis is constantly changing.  Every news media outlet is producing massive amounts of coverage of anything and everything having to do with the coronavirus.  It makes sense that many of us would want to follow these updates through the news.  But this can easily turn into constantly checking headlines or social media, feeling our anxiety rise with the second.

Create a limit for yourself on how much time you’ll spend on social media, news websites, or even watching TV coverage of coronavirus.  Choose a certain time of day when you will check and set a boundary to limit how long you’ll read or watch.

Incorporate deep breathing and meditation practices. Breathing and meditation can be a helpful way to calm the panic response that surfaces with anxiety.  If you notice yourself experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, focus on taking a few deep breaths, allowing the air to move down into your abdomen.

Guided meditations, which can be found on YouTube or through various apps, can be helpful to direct your mind to focus on your breath.  Many of these resources offer options for children as well.  For example, many mobile guided meditation apps such as Headspace and Sanvello are offering free access to services during the crisis. 

Practice gratitude. One of the greatest protections against anxiety is to focus on appreciating what you currently have.  Spend time daily reflecting on areas of your life for which you can be grateful.  If this crisis has allowed you more time to spend with family or focusing on tasks at home, find thankfulness in that.  Begin a list or a gratitude journal that helps you consistently keep track of the positives in your circumstance. 

Self-Care

Go outside. Even if you are in a community that has required its citizens to stay at home during this crisis, those orders often allow for physical activity outside.  Use this extra time to go for a walk or run.  Take your kids out on a bike ride or walk around the neighborhood.  Play or relax in your yard together.  Spending time in nature offers a multitude of mental health benefits, so why not take advantage of those now?

Practice active rest. Much of the reaction I’ve seen from people who have the privilege of being able to work from home is to rejoice in the fact that they get to catch up on their Netflix queues.  While there’s nothing wrong with watching a good show from time to time, spending a whole day bingeing on TV can lead to feelings of guilt or lethargy.  You might not have done anything during the day, but you still feel exhausted, whether from staying up too late watching your shows or the strain of so much screen time.

Instead of doing those things that seem like rest but are actually draining, lean into habits that provide actual rest for you.  Allow yourself to sleep in or take a nap.  Read a good book.  Pray, spend time reading the Bible, or practice other spiritual self-care.  Spend lazy hours talking with your loved ones or playing board games.  Letting your mind and body catch up on rest from the frenzied pace of normal life can be an incredible blessing during this season.

Exercise. As mentioned earlier, walking or running outside is an easy way to get out of the house while still following guidelines for health and safety of others.  Get into the practice of taking a short walk daily.  If you’re used to a commute to work, “walking” to work by strolling around the block can be an easy way to set boundaries at the start and end of your work-from-home day. 

What if you usually go to the gym to get in your exercise?  Look for opportunities to do those same exercises from home.  Free videos on YouTube (like Yoga with Adriene) or subscription programs (like OpenFit) offer at-home workouts that you can do from the safety of your living room.

Social Connection

Call a loved one every day.  Just because we’re “social distancing” doesn’t mean that we have to cut off all connection with the people we love.  I was inspired by a recent blog post by Marnie Ferree to get out my phone and call one of my loved ones on a daily basis.  This can be a family member, friend, coworker, or other member of your community that can help you feel connected within the craziness. Reach out to someone you haven’t connected with for some time and catch up on how they’re doing, offering your empathy and support in response.

Write notes of encouragement. Have you ever received a handwritten note in the mail?  It can be heartwarming to receive words of encouragement.  Why not spread the love during this time with the extra minutes we may have in our day?  Write notes to medical professionals who need support, friends who you know are feeling financial strain, or just to maintain connection with those you love. 

Have a family game night or scavenger hunt. The busy pace of life can prevent families from being able to spend quality time together on a more regular basis.  This period of extended time at home creates an opportunity for family members who don’t often get to see one another to spend quality time together.  As tempting as it may be to all sit in front of your individual screens, coordinate an evening where you play a game together or create a scavenger hunt through the yard or neighborhood for different items.

Use technology creatively to connect.  Video messaging platforms have allowed people to continue to connect when they are thousands of miles apart, so of course they can be used to connect with people who are just down the street.  Have a coffee date with a friend by brewing your own cups and then sitting down to chat.  “Go out” for drinks with your friends virtually.  Play a cooperative game with friends on a video gaming console or with various apps that allow you to connect in different locations.

Volunteer or donate. As a follow-up to the gratitude practice, you  may find yourself recognizing how blessed you are in comparison with others.  Although it may seem like you can’t do much while you are cooped up at home, there are plenty of ways you can serve and bless those who are dealing with more difficult circumstances.  Many local charities are accepting financial or material donations to support those in need.  Hospitals and medical facilities are accepting donations of certain medical supplies.  Many food pantries are still open and collecting dry goods.  If you have extra disinfecting wipes, hand sanitizer, or even toilet paper to share, consider offering it to neighbors of yours who may not have those supplies.

Notice the Positive

Reflect on what you’re learning. Ask yourself what you may be learning or observing during this drastic change in circumstances.  Can this new perspective or knowledge impact the way you live your life in the future?  How might you want to change our daily habits as a result?  For instance, perhaps you’ve enjoyed having extended time with your household and want to make that a priority in the future.  Perhaps you’ve discovered a new hobby or interest that will shape how you spend your leisure time once this crisis has passed.  

Focus on others. Often, this goes hand-in-hand with the suggestion of volunteering time or donating supplies.  When you shift your gaze to others who are in need, you are more likely to feel grateful for what you have and relieved of anxiety.  Pray for those in your community specifically, and ask others who you might pray for them.  Identify ways you can love or bless the people in your community using a strategy listed above.

Search for acts of kindness. The moments that have floored me most throughout this crisis have been the acts of kindness I’ve witnessed that offer hope and joy to others in the midst of chaos.  Keep your eyes open for ways in which your community might be carrying out some of these gestures. Brainstorm ways you might be able to participate in those acts of kindness.  Search for lists of ideas or become inspired by news coverage of these choices people are making to bring hope. 

Coping with Loneliness

It’s safe to say that we’ve all experienced loneliness at some point or another in our lives.  A gnawing sense in your stomach.  A sadness that sets over you that seems to come out of nowhere.  A desire to be around other people, to talk to them about what you’re feeling or thinking.

Loneliness comes from a legitimate desire to be loved, seen, and known by others.  Since the days of our infancy, where we were dependent on parents or caregivers for connection, we’ve known we needed people.

Why might you be feeling lonely?

Depression and/or Anxiety

Isolation is a common symptom of depression.  Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness can lead you to retreat within yourself and avoid social contact.  Anxiety can also prevent you from feeling connected to people.  You might have social anxiety that arises in situations when you’re with others.  Or you may be unable to maintain connection with others due to distraction by your worries. 

Both of these experiences may feel unique to you.  You might think, “does anyone else feel or think this way?”  Negative self-talk and beliefs that drive depression and anxiety (ie. “I’m a loser.”  “I’m alone.”  “No one could love me.”) perpetuate these feelings of loneliness.

Addiction Recovery

If you’re in recovery from an addiction, particularly sexual addiction, you might be dealing with loneliness as well.  Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, meaning that it substitutes false intimacy through sexual acting out in place of true intimacy.  Often loneliness drives the addictive behaviors. 

But while removing those areas of false intimacy in the process of recovery, an addict might also be experiencing the natural consequence of separation from loved ones or family members who have been impacted by the addict’s behaviors.  This can lead to intense feelings of loneliness, as the addiction is no longer present as a way to escape or self-medicate.

Partner Betrayal Trauma

Or perhaps you’re on the other side of the coin, where you’ve seen your spouse succumb to sexual addiction and you’ve been blindsided by the pain and hurt they’ve inflicted.  The person you once felt closest to has now become untrustworthy.

Further still, the pain of betrayal associated with sexual addiction is often a secret shame.  Whether out of protection for your spouse or out of fear of being judged by others, you might avoid telling others about what you’re experiencing.  This inevitably leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness as you don’t know where to turn for support. 

General Isolation

There are plenty of other reasons you might feel lonely.  A new move across the country to a city you’ve never lived in, difficulty finding people with mutual interests, hurt or betrayal from past relationships: all can make you reluctant to open up to others.

Whatever the reason, loneliness can be crippling and painful, and it’s hard to know how best to cope with it.

How to Find Your People

While this may not always be an easy option, the most straightforward way to move past loneliness is to find your people.  Here are a few places to start.

Existing Relationships

Identify a safe person you already know with whom you can talk: someone who can empathize with what you’re going through and offer support (Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is great resource for exploring this.) Ask these friends if they would be willing to offer you support on a regular basis.  Lead with vulnerability in those interactions, sharing about what’s really going on in your life, as vulnerability invites connection.  And be someone who offers support to others as well.  when they’re having a rough time, listen to them and validate their experience, offering care in the same way you’ve received it from them. 

Groups

Support groups are an easy way for you to find others who are dealing with similar issues related to depression, anxiety, or addiction recovery.  You can find this support through 12 Step meetings, church-based support, or therapy groups.  You might also benefit from finding a local meetup or group based on a special interest or hobby.  Volunteering is another great way to meet people in your area, along with providing other mental health benefits by focusing on the needs of others.

Coping with Loneliness in the Moment

If your feelings of loneliness happens often and cause a lot of distress, this hints that there is more to the story.  What if you feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people?  Does loneliness feel intolerable to you when you’re in the midst of it?  Do you do whatever it takes to escape loneliness, even if “what it takes” is destructive to you or your family?

When you feel lonely, get curious.

Ask yourself why.  Where’s this loneliness coming from?  Check in with your emotions and thought patterns.  Identify what physical sensations are associated with that loneliness.  Understanding what might have triggered the feelings of loneliness or what might be contributing to them can help you decide how to move forward. 

Explore what loneliness felt like as a kid and how you coped (or didn’t) with it then.

When you’ve explored what loneliness feels like in your body and emotions, allow your mind to go back to others other experiences where you’ve felt similarly.  You might have memories from childhood or teenage years, or they may be more recent.  Ask yourself: how did I cope with loneliness back then?  What did I do with it, good or bad?  Was I ever taught to deal with loneliness by parents or caregivers?  Are there betrayals or wounds from relationships where I felt a similar sense of loneliness?

Ask yourself what you needed.

In those memories, allow yourself to connect back to that earlier version of yourself and ask: what did I need back then?  Maybe it was a friend to sit with you in your loneliness.  Maybe it was an understanding parent.  Maybe you needed to learn fun or healthy ways to take your mind off the loneliness until you were able to be with people again.

Validate your own loneliness.

After going through this exercise, does it make sense why you might feel lonely now?  What connections can you make to the present moment?  Do you have compassion or empathy from the younger version of yourself?  If you can identify and validate your loneliness, you’re less likely to be afraid of it.  It changes from a monster to something more manageable. 

Get to know yourself better.

When you’re lonely without an easy way out, see it as an opportunity to spend some time with yourself.  Explore your hobbies.  Journal.  Learn more about who you are.  If it feels difficult to spend time with yourself, or if you feel avoidance or shame around getting to know yourself, that might hint at some deeper issues associated with identity that may be worth exploring further in one-on-one counseling.

Rescue Meditations for Anxiety and Panic

Have you ever experienced high levels of anxiety bordering on panic?  Symptoms like shortness of breath, chest pain or pressure, sweating, heart pounding, dizziness, and racing thoughts can be overwhelming when they arise.  And if it’s ever developed into a full-blown panic attack, you know the paralyzing fear that comes with that experience. 

When these symptoms arise for you, it’s a good idea to consult your medical doctor.  Some symptoms are shared in common with heart or lung issues, so you want to be sure there’s not an underlying medical concern that’s causing the symptoms.  But if you check with your doctor and you are otherwise physically healthy, your doctor might recommend psychological treatment and/or “rescue medications.”

Rescue medications, such as Xanax or Ativan, are anti-anxiety medications that help to bring your symptoms down to a manageable level when you are facing a high level of panic or anxiety.  I believe these medications can be helpful in crisis scenarios.

But if you don’t have these rescue medications or prefer a more natural approach, there are ways in which you can harness your body’s natural calming systems to relieve that anxiety.  Below are some suggestions for rescue “meditations” that you can do when you’re experiencing panic or even just feeling overwhelmed and stressed. 

If you find that these strategies aren’t effective or you’re continuing to experience symptoms, seek out help from your medical doctor or a mental health professional to address what is causing the panic.

Deep Breathing

When you’re panicked or anxious, breathing patterns are more shallow.  If you place a hand on your chest while you’re feeling stressed, you’ll likely find it rises and falls in short bursts.  The goal in taking deep breaths is to engage your diaphragmatic muscles in your abdomen.  This triggers your body’s natural calming system that helps you relax. 

To do this exercise, sit comfortably in a chair or lay on your back in a comfortable position.  Place one hand on your chest and one on your abdomen.  Take a few breaths and notice which hand moves.  Focus your breath so that your hand on your abdomen is rising and falling more with each breath.

Next, take a series of breaths with one of the following patterns:

• 4-square breathing: breathe in for 4 counts, hold at the top for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold the exhale for 4 counts

• 4-2-6 pattern breathing: breathe in for 4 counts, hold at the top for 2 counts, and breathe out for 6 counts

Do 10 repetitions of one of these patterns.  Using a breathing pattern that focuses on a longer exhale helps regulate the body. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of your body that calms the fight-or-flight response associated with anxiety and panic.

Guided Meditation for Anxiety (Yoga With Adriene)

On her YouTube channel, Adriene of Yoga with Adriene offers a playlist of short, guided meditations that can help you when your’e in a crisis.  She also has yoga practices designed to help you ground yourself or deal with anxiety on her YouTube channel.  If you have the time to do a longer workout or yoga practice, this might be a good fit for you.  Moving your body is a great way to deal with anxiety or panic.

Headspace or Other Meditation Apps

Headspace is a great app teaching the basic skills of meditation.  They include short videos describing how to approach meditation, and they offer their first 10 basic meditations for free. 

While you can only access those 10 meditations without a subscription, I’d recommend looking into their subscription, especially if you’d like to make meditation a more regular practice.  If you do have a subscription, here are a few of their “SOS” meditations I’d recommend:

SOS for Panicking

SOS for Feeling Overwhelmed

SOS for Flustered

There are plenty of other meditation apps that exist, such as Calm and 10% Happier. Try a few apps and decide which one you like best to use as a resource.

Visualize a Calm and Peaceful Place

Spend a few minutes thinking of a place you’ve been or that you create in your imagination where you can feel calm and peaceful. Identify what you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell in that image. Envision yourself there and notice what emotions it evokes. Pay attention to the pleasant feelings in your body and allow yourself to enjoy them.

5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise

Start out by taking a few deep, abdominal breaths, as described above. 

Begin by noticing 5 items in the room around you that you see.  Say them out loud.  Describe the colors you see, Identify any textures you’re aware of on those items.

Next, notice 4 things you can feel without moving your body: it could be your clothing on your skin, the feel of the chair in which you’re sitting, or your feet on the floor.  Say these out loud as well.  Describe the sensation of those feelings. 

Then notice (aloud – catching a pattern?) 3 things you can hear.  Describe the sounds: whether they are consistent or intermittent, loud or soft, familiar or unfamiliar. 

Notice 2 things you can smell or two things of which you like the smell (as sometimes in a sterile environment there aren’t many smells).  Describe what these things smell like.

Finally, notice 1 thing you can taste or of which you like the taste.  Describe that taste to yourself. 

Regular Meditation Practice

What I’ve shared above are short, quick meditations that you can do in a crisis.  However, the strongest benefits of meditation have been shown when you implement a daily meditation practice over the long-term.  Daily meditation actually changes the structures of your brain associated with stress and calm.  If you find you like these strategies for calming yourself, I suggest that you try meditation daily.

These “rescue meditations” are a way to distract yourself from the symptoms of anxiety and calm your body down so you aren’t so overwhelmed.  However, they are not meant to completely resolve the anxiety.  The panic will continue to come back until you recognize the source of the anxiety and resolve it.  If you notice the panic continuing, consult a mental health professional to begin examining the potential sources of your distress.

Self-Care for When You Don't Have Time for Self-Care

Life is busy.  Whether you feel like a taxi driver for your children’s after-school activities, you’re working long hours at the office, you’re raising a newborn, or maybe all of the above, free time can be hard to come by. 

So when someone suggests that you take time for self-care, no wonder you laugh and say, “when do I have time for that?” 

Practicing self-care is an important part of taking care of your mental and physical health.  In particular, if you struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma, addiction, or other mental health issues, self-care is an essential part of healing. Even if you see the need for self-care in your life, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have the time to make it happen.

Perhaps it’s an issue of cost.  Trendy “self-care” tells you to go get a massage, take a vacation, or otherwise spend exorbitant amounts of money with the promise of “relaxation and rejuvenation.”  For most people, this isn’t practical or realistic. While sometimes you might want to “treat yo’ self,” for the most part you can do good quality self-care for free.

Maybe you’re over the trend of self-care justifying selfish and self-centered behaviors.  I get that.  It’s not meant to be “I do what I want” or “I do what feels good” all the time.  True quality self-care Is not designed to replace loving other people and being the best parent, friend, spouse, partner, child, employee, or person you can be.  It’s meant to prep you to fill those roles well without burning out.

Self-care involves physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational health.  Sometimes self-care feels exactly like what you don’t want to do, but it’s what will be good for you in the long-term.  Think of it like training for a marathon: you may hate going on those longer runs, but you know in the long term your training will help you prepare your body for the race ahead of you.

How to Make Self-Care Work for You

Check your thoughts about self care.  If you’re looking at it as if it’s selfish or wrong, you won’t be able to benefit from it, instead getting distracted by feelings of guilt.  Reframe self-care as something you’re doing to take care of your mental health and better fill the roles in your life.  See self-care as a discipline, something you consciously consider.  Work it into your routine, like taking a vitamin. 

When you’re short on time, get creative about how you do self-care.  In a recent training I completed on compassion fatigue, the trainer talked extensively about a concept she calls “flexi-self-care.”  This type of self-care takes advantage of small bits of time you have throughout your day where you can pause for a moment and do something nurturing.  Identify for yourself ways to practice self-care that take as little as 1 minute and make a practice of trying these things lately.

Take a look at some of these examples of self-care on a time budget.

1 minute of self-care

• Take three long, slow, deep abdominal breaths. (It can help to place a hand on your abdomen to feel it rising and falling.)

• Do a yoga pose.

• Give a loved one a hug.

• Feel your feet flat on the ground, supported by the earth beneath them.

• Read a favorite quotation, affirmation, mantra, or Scripture verse.

• Look out a window and observe what’s happening outside.

• Identify what emotion you’re feeling currently and where you feel it in your body.

• Squeeze a stress ball.

• Look at a picture of a loved one. 

5 minutes of self-care

• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise: name and describe 5 things you see, 4 things you feel without moving, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell or like the smell of, and 1 thing you taste or like the taste of.

• Write a list of 10 things you are grateful for.

• Send a text to a friend.

• Stretch out sore muscles. 

• Four-square breathing: breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts.  Repeat 10 times.

• Complete one small item on a to-do list (ie. making a phone call, responding to an email, scheduling an appointment).

• Visualize a place that feels calm and peaceful and enjoy the sensations associated with it.

• Open a window and take a few deep breaths of fresh air.

• Drink a glass of water.

• Listen to your favorite song.

• Light a candle and watch the flame.

• Play with a pet.

• People-watch.

10 minutes of self-care

• Do a 10 minute YouTube workout. (I like this playlist from Yoga with Adriene.)

• Eat a healthy snack.

• Write in a journal.

• Put on a dance music playlist and dance around your space.

• Clean out your email inbox.

• Tidy a space in your home.

• Watch a YouTube tutorial for an activity you’re interested in learning.

• Work on a crossword puzzle or a word search.

• Play catch with a dog or child (or even with a wall!)

• Do a Headspace meditation.

• Watch a video that makes you laugh.

• Pray.

• Read a magazine article. 

20 minutes of self-care

• Go for a brisk walk outside.

• Read a chapter in a book.

• Listen to a podcast, lecture, or sermon about a topic that interests you.

• Call a friend, family member, or significant other on the phone to chat.

• Work on a craft project, draw, or paint.

• Write a thank-you note to someone.

• Make yourself a cup of tea or coffee and sip it slowly.

• Take a hot shower.

• Play a musical instrument.

• Clean a room in your home or your desk at work.

• Create a photo collage of images that help you feel loved, inspired, or that bring you joy.

Take these lists and make them your own.  Pay attention to how long it takes you to do these activities: you  may find that prayer can be as short as 1 minute, or your one yoga pose develops into a 10-minute yoga practice.  Be willing to be creative and try out some of these tools to make self-care something you can do every day, not just as a special treat.

It's Time To Let Go: Letter to a Perfectionist

Dear perfectionist, 

I know what it’s like to walk in your shoes.  I call myself a “recovering perfectionist,” but most of the time I’m not sure what makes me different from someone who’s not “recovering”.

There are days where the drive to achieve, to do more, to get it right overwhelms me.  And there are days where I’m able to give myself more grace.  But often, I have no idea what kind of day it’ll be when I wake up in the morning. 

So when it is a tough day, I need something to hold onto. A reminder to give myself grace. And the words that have been coming to mind repeatedly have been simple: It’s time to let go.

Can I share these words with you, my perfectionist friend?

Let go of the “have to”s.

You have a to-do list that will never truly be finished.  Your thoughts tell you all the things you have to do before you can truly feel settled.

Problem is, that list will never be fully completed.

Maybe they’re saying, “I have to do this or else I don’t matter” or “I have to do this because this is the right way.”  In some way, your value or worth is tied up in completing tasks or accomplishing goals.  If you don’t finish, you’re not worthwhile.

What do your “have to”s sound like?  And are they really true?

Remember this: worth and value are inherent in who you are as a person.  You cannot attain more value by performing better, beating everyone else, being the best, producing perfection. 

Let go of expectations.

My guess is you have pretty high expectations for yourself. 

Likely you beat yourself up for the smallest of mistakes and have high standards.  You question and doubt yourself.  But those high expectations set you up for a crash when you inevitably can’t meet them. 

And what about your expectations of others?  Are they a mirror of your expectations for yourself?

Do you judge others for not doing what you’d expect them to do?  Not producing the quality of work you would do yourself?  Allowing their failures to define who they are?

Careful, perfectionist, for this will cost you relationships.  No one can live up to these high expectations, especially if they don’t know you have them.

Perhaps your expectations of others don’t even come close to the standard you set for yourself?   Why is that?

If this is true, use this knowledge to set more realistic expectations for yourself.  When you’re beating yourself up for yet one more failure, ask yourself how you’d speak to your best friend.  Their words wouldn’t be nearly as harsh as you are to yourself.

We are our own worst critic, after all.

Let go of “doing it right.”

Answer me this, perfectionist: how often have you found yourself obsessing over details? How much extra time do you end up spending on that project?

Is it worth it?  What is it costing you?  Time with your family?  Peace and calm?

What you produce is not the same as who you are.

It is okay for you to make mistakes.  Making a mistake does not mean that you are a mistake.

Let go of control.

This is a hard one for you, perfectionist.  You know that if you’re in control, what you need will get done, and it’ll get done right. 

But my goodness, carrying the weight of the world gets heavy sometimes.

There is so much that’s outside of your control. 

The weather.  A crisis situation you didn’t expect.  The choices and responses of others.

If you try to grasp at control in everything, you will fail.

I know letting go of control is scary.  It can feel unsafe, as if you’re giving up your security.  Focus instead on what you can control: your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your attitudes.

Let go of all or nothing thinking.

Perfectionists tend to have pretty rigid thinking patterns.  Remember the “have to”s?

All or nothing.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.

These false dichotomies trap you in an endless tug-of-war where you always lose.

Acknowledge the “and.”

This document can have a typo and I still did a great job.

I can love you and forget to stop at the store to pick up the thing you asked. 

I can be a good and worthwhile person and still make mistakes.

Let go of doing it all yourself.

You aren’t responsible for carrying the world on your shoulders. You aren’t Superman or Wonder Woman.  You need help.

“But if I let someone else help, what if they do it wrong?  What if it’s not the quality I know I can do myself?”

True, they might make mistakes.  They might not follow exactly the same path you would. 

But perhaps an exercise in releasing control and learning not to be perfect is to ask someone for help.  Notice how it feels when you let them complete the work you believed you had to do. 

Let your kid do the dishes one night.  If there’s a little bit of food left on them when you pull them out of the cupboard tomorrow, you’ll know you’re in a good place. 

Let go of comparison and being the best.

It’s so easy to look at someone else’s life and believe that they have it all together while you’re completely falling apart.  Social media is a beast for this, as friends post photos or comments about their most positive moments and neglect to mention the struggles.

It’s impossible to be the best at everything.  To have the perfect family vacation every time.  To have a flawless body.  To be #1 in your line of work. 

What if you thought of it as giving it your best instead of trying to be the best?

And know that your best will change in different seasons.  Your best as a mom of littles isn’t quite the same as your best was when you were single and had much more time on your hands.

Let go of letting go.

I know where your mind might go with this letter, perfectionist.  It might just be one more yardstick you apply to your life to which you’ll never measure up.

Have a little grace for yourself.  You’re not going to be perfect at letting go.

Give it a try.  A little at a time.  Celebrate your victories and learn from where you go wrong.

Let yourself experience moments of peace by not adding to the demands on your life.

You’re going to be okay.  I believe it.

Take a Deep Breath: Five Mindful Strategies for Dealing with Anxiety

During my first year of my master’s program, I saw how anxiety, stress, and lack of time would hit me with intense experiences of overwhelm.  I was working close to full time hours at a nanny job, attending class 4 nights a week, and serving in my church in my “free time.”  Any extra time I had was filled with studying and attempting to navigate my way through our massive textbooks.   With a temperament that errs on the side of anxiety and perfectionism, it was easy to talk myself into a state of stress that would make it difficult for me to function.

My school was a commuter school about 30 minutes away from where I lived, so I began listening to podcasts in my car.  (Cue the beginning of my obsession with podcasts).  One of those podcasts interviewed a life coach and therapist who gave tips on dealing with anxiety.  She taught a technique involving deep breathing, which I’d never tried before.  I decided to give it a go in the 10 minutes I sat in my car before class.  Let me tell you: it was like magic.  I felt like I could enter into the classroom in a completely different and relaxed state of mind.

Everyday anxiety is something many people experience, especially during stressful seasons in their lives.  Anxiety engages our internal fight-and-flight response, which pumps up our body with adrenaline and cortisol, a stress hormone.  By practicing deep breathing and other techniques below, you can take control over your body’s instinctual reaction.  As you slow down your breathing and your thoughts, you’re essentially reminding your body that you aren’t in danger.  This calms your fight-or-flight response.

Here are some tips on how you can respond with mindfulness when you feel yourself becoming anxious, nervous, and overwhelmed.

Daily Meditation

As the foundation of all the exercises that follow, daily meditation helps you become attuned to your body.  Spend time in a quiet room in silence for a few minutes to start.  Gradually increase to more time as you become more comfortable.  Pay attention to the way your body feels, noticing each part of your body, any emotions that arise, or any physical sensations. 

Oftentimes meditation is associated with “clearing your mind,” which can discourage you if you feel as though you can’t turn your thoughts off.   Instead, accept the likelihood that thoughts will cross your mind, and allow yourself to notice them, but not shame yourself for having them.

There are several apps that offer guided meditations, if you’re someone like me and are too easily distracted to sit quietly.  I’m a particular fan of Happify and Headspace, but there are many out there you can try and find the best fit for you.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive muscle relaxation is the practice of mentally becoming aware of each part of your body by isolating one muscle group at a time, tensing and flexing the muscles.  Pay attention to the feeling of holding tightness in your muscles as you tense them, and notice how it feels to release and relax them afterwards.

This practice can also help you fall asleep at night or re-energize yourself during the day.   In the morning or throughout your day, start by tensing and releasing your toes and work your way upward through different muscle group such as your legs, knees, stomach, chest, arms, shoulders, neck, jaw, and forehead.  At night, do the opposite - start with the muscles in your forehead and work your way down through your body. 

Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing was the technique that I heard Dr. Jennifer Degler speak about on that podcast all those years ago.  She introduced four-square breathing: a technique where you breathe in for 4 counts, hold the breath for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts.  Completing about 10 cycles of these deep breaths allows you to begin to feel the anxiety melt away.

As you’re practicing these breathing exercises, you’ll want to breathe from your diaphragm or abdomen.  In order to do that, it can be helpful to imagine that there is a balloon in your stomach, just behind your belly button.  Breathe in through your nose, trying to make that balloon expand.  As you breathe out through your mouth, imagining the balloon deflating.  Another helpful strategy involves laying on the ground or on a sofa, placing your hands on your stomach, and feeling your stomach rise and fall as you breathe.

5-4-3-2-1 Senses Grounding Exercise

This is a personal favorite of mine, especially when I’m feeling particularly triggered by thoughts or emotions.  Begin taking a few deep breaths, noticing the rise and fall of your abdomen.  Next, take a look around you and notice 5 things that you see.  Notice the colors, textures, and other characteristics of those objects.  Next, move on to identifying 4 things you can hear, noticing the quality of the sound, whether it is loud or soft, repeating or one-time.  Continue down through this pattern by noticing 3 things you can touch/feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.  You’ll feel yourself becoming grounded in the present reality around you, and emotions will likely become less distracting and more manageable.

Breath Prayer

Often when we talk about Christian meditation practice, it is accompanied by reading or memorizing Scripture and seeking to understand truth about that passage.  While that can be helpful to engage your mind, when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, this isn’t always the quickest way to address that anxiety.  Instead, integrate some of the earlier mentions of breathing exercises and Biblical truth through breath prayer.  Breath prayer involves identifying a short phrase or sentence of truth about God or prayer to God.  Examples might be phrases such as, “Lord, have mercy,” “God, I need you,” or “Holy Spirit, come.”  You could also use short Bible verses that are meaningful to you, such as “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).  Repeat those words to yourself out loud or in your mind while you are practicing deep breathing.  Breathe in on the first part of the phrase, and release your breath on the second half of the phrase.

While these mindfulness strategies didn’t immediately fix my stress levels or perfectionism, they did provide a way for me to calm my body down and remind myself of truth.  Test out some of these strategies for yourself when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, and see which ones help you to lower those levels of stress.

This article was originally posted on May 4, 2017.

Understanding Ambivalence: How Recognizing the Push-and-Pull of Your Desires Can Set You Free

Think of the last difficult decision you had to make.  Maybe it was as simple as where you’d like to go out to eat or as significant as a change in career path.  What makes the decision difficult is the tension between the options: you might desire some more than others, or fear the downside if you make the wrong decision.  Eventually, the choice is made when one benefit outweighs the other and you feel confident enough moving forward.

But what happens when you get stuck between two desires?  Or worse yet, when you feel two opposing emotions about something at the same time?  Have you experienced loving someone and hating them in the same instant?  What about wanting closeness and intimacy, but pushing others away by your actions or words?

In these examples, what you’re experiencing is a phenomenon called ambivalence. 

What is ambivalence?

Ambivalence is often thought of as apathy or indifference, meaning you don’t care much about something or that it doesn’t matter to you.  On the contrary, ambivalence involves strong desires or emotions in opposition to one another.  You may feel pulled in two different directions at the same time, or you might flip-flop back and forth between two feelings.  This can take place in both simple decisions (where should we go for dinner?) as well as major desires (is this the person I want to marry?).

As time passes and you struggle to resolve these opposing emotions, you might find that you do experience a form of apathy.  The indifference is a numbing response to exhaustion from the tension of trying to balance both sides at once.

What in my story might cause ambivalence?

Ambivalence is common for survivors of sexual abuse or assault as they deal with the aftermath of their abuse.  In many cases, the abuser is someone with whom the survivor has a close relationship.  Positive memories and experiences with that person get mixed up with the abuse, and the confusion of feeling drastically different emotions toward the abuser can be overwhelming. The survivor may also struggle with aspects of sexual abuse that felt good when they confront the damage it has done in their lives.

Similarly, many partners of sex addicts experience the addict’s behaviors as a sexual violation against the partner.  Confusion around staying in the relationship to work things out or leaving is common as they try to reconcile the person they love with the addiction that has destroyed their relationship.

For addicts, shame is a major factor in ambivalence.  Addicts live a double life, attempting to balance the addictive thoughts and behaviors with the normal, everyday self.  Breaking off into these two versions of the self helps to ignore or deny the tension of ambivalence around the double life.

Ambivalence can appear in depression and anxiety as well.  If you’re anxious, you may hate being alone but feel terrified of breaking into a group or connecting with others.  In depression, ambivalence can appear when you lack the motivation and energy for self-care and yet know that the way to feel better is through exercising, spending time with loved ones, or other activities to take care of yourself.

How can I recognize my ambivalence?

One common characteristic of ambivalence is all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking patterns.  The rigidity of thought patterns requiring a choice between two extremes is what makes the tension between them feel so difficult.  Sitting in the gray area of wanting two things equally and being unsure of what the right next step is can be stressful.  Often, that leads to a desire to escape.

That desire to escape is where apathy and numbness come in.  When alternating back and forth between the two desires or emotions becomes too much, you feel defeated by the struggle.  Rather than staying with the tension, you might just throw in the towel and numb out with addiction or distraction. 

How can I deal with my ambivalence? 

Acknowledge that there are gray areas.  Instead of the rigidity of black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking, allow yourself to recognize that you can (and are!) feeling or desiring two seemingly opposite things at the same time. 

Press into that knowledge and explore your ambivalence with God and others.  Talk about it with a therapist or trusted friend and explore what might be coming up with each of the desires.   

As a Christian, ambivalence leads to greater intimacy with God.  So many Psalms contain ambivalence: lament, pain, and crying out to God; followed by reminders of the goodness of God and his character.  Often the Christian life involves suffering while also seeking to place hope in God.

Name your desires, even if it hurts to put words to them.  The naming of desires is painful because it involves grief, in understanding that your desires aren’t met yet and you may never see those desires realized.  But recognizing and working through that grief leads to life rather than numbing or escapism.  Addicts in particular struggle to know their true desires, as addiction has offered immediate relief or numbing from desires in the past.  In owning and acknowledging desires, addicts receive freedom to seek out other ways to meet that need instead of through addictive behaviors. 

Learn to practice acceptance. Acceptance isn’t settling for the status quo or pretending that things are okay when they really aren’t.  Instead, acceptance involves recognizing the reality of where you are right now in this present moment, and reminding yourself that you’re okay.  If you aren’t satisfied with what you’re experiencing in the present, acceptance invites you to explore what you might like to change in the future.  Accepting your ambivalence helps you to begin to be curious about it and seek out the story behind your ambivalence.  Understanding your story opens you up to change.