Why Sleep is More Crucial Than We Think

When was the last time you got a full night’s sleep?  For many of us, that’s a question without a simple answer.  The insistence of our morning alarm clocks and the demands of our busy lives whittle away the time we have available to get our much needed shut-eye.  Insomnia creeps in as we’re too anxious to fall asleep or wake up in the middle of the night inexplicably.  Our fast-paced lives and the pressure of parenting and career can cripple our ability to get the rest we so desperately need.

Our culture doesn’t help either.  Prior to the invention of electricity, the rising and setting of the sun dictated sleep.  Now that we’re in a world where technology reigns supreme.  The distraction of smartphones, TV, tablets, and all other manners of tech stimulate the brain just before bed in a way that interferes with sleep.  But our bodies still need that sunset to sunrise sleep cycle.

We believe sleep is a luxury, a waste of time.  We could be so much more productive if we just cut back on our sleep a little bit, we say.  We glorify Netflix binges and brag about how little sleep we can survive on.

What do you believe is the purpose of sleep?  We’re used to thinking of sleep as a way to regain energy or restore our minds.  But neuroscientist Russell Foster talks about the implications of sleep in brain chemistry in a way that will revolutionize your view of those 8 hours a night.

According to research studies, sleep deprivation and mental illness are intricately linked and feed into one another.  If you aren’t getting enough sleep, you set yourself up for anxiety, depression, stress, and even addictive behaviors as a way of self-medicating or soothing.  If you already struggle with one of these issues, your lack of sleep exacerbates the problems you’re already facing.

According to research studies, sleep deprivation and mental illness are intricately linked and feed into one another.

According to Foster, sleep isn’t just for restoration: it’s also a necessary part of our mental health. Connections between mental illness and sleep disturbances put a stark focus on the essential nature of sleep.  It isn’t just a luxury – it is something that you need.

In addiction recovery, particularly with process addictions like sex addiction, the goal of recovery is transforming the brain.  Instead of taking in a mind-altering chemical, your brain learns to reward itself with a rush of dopamine, the feel-good hormone, when you engage in addictive sexual behaviors.  Getting enough sleep is a crucial part of rewiring your brain so that you can reduce and eventually eliminate your dependence on the dopamine rush that comes with addiction.

Think of sleep as the brain food you need to be able to renew cells in your brain and wash away the neuropathways linked to sex addiction.  If you starve your brain of sleep, the craving for addictive behaviors will grow stronger.  Just like Foster talks about the body craving carbohydrates when it’s sleep deprived, your mind will crave the stimulation of the dopamine high that comes with addictive sexual behaviors.

If you starve your brain of sleep, the craving for addictive behaviors will grow stronger.

He also talks about depression as it relates to sleep deprivation.  One of the first goals for healing from depression is getting enough sleep each night. Give it a try – see how your mood and presence completely change when you wake up after a full night’s sleep.  Compare that to a night of 4-5 hours to see how drastically your mood shifts.

If you struggle with depression, lack of sleep directly affects the severity of your symptoms.

If you’re having a hard time sleeping and beginning to experience symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another mental health issue, it’s worth it to seek help.  While increasing sleep can reduce the impact of the symptoms of these disorders, it also gives a red flag that you likely need additional support for the mental health issues you’re facing.

How much sleep do you need?  Foster says 8 hours is an average, so you may need more or less sleep than that.  Test this out for yourself: the next time you are able to sleep without the alarm clock waking you up, pay attention to when you naturally wake up.  How many hours did you need?

If you have trouble falling asleep or if you struggle with insomnia, make your bedroom a haven for sleep as Foster suggests.  Setting yourself up for good quality sleep now will change how you experience mental health beyond just restoring your energy levels.

How will you prioritize sleep as part of your mental health?

Self-Care Saturdays: Know Where You're Going

As we approach the new year, this is the time when we think about New Years’ resolutions.  What do you want to be different in your life this year?  Do you want to lose 15 pounds?  Invest more in your marriage?  Discipline your kids better? 

Unfortunately, the problem with these resolutions is that they’re usually thought up on a whim.  We could have just looked in the mirror two days before January 1st and decided we wanted to lose weight, or had a particularly hurtful argument with our teenager the night before.  If we want to make lasting resolutions that aren’t just forgotten by the end of January, we need to set reasonable goals that fit within a larger version of our future.

In short, we need to understand our why.  Why do we want to lose weight?  Why do we want to stop our bad habits?  We need to create a vision or mission for our lives if we expect to follow through on any of these goals.  This is a form of self-care because as you begin to know yourself and your greater vision, you are able to make choices in alignment with your desires for your future.  It can help you leave behind the pressure of the urgent in favor of prioritizing what’s important.

Why is purpose important?

In Jim Collins’ book Good to Great, he coins a phrase called the Stocksdale Paradox, informed by a conversation he had with Admiral Stocksdale, who was a prisoner of war in the Vietnam War.  When asked how he survived the prison camps for seven years, he answered that he had to both face the reality of the situation he was in, and also hold that in tension with hope and vision that he would overcome.

Similarly, Victor Frankl, in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, speaks about how he survived the concentration camps in World War II.  He names that those who were most likely to survive were those who had a purpose to move toward.

When life gets difficult, it can be easy to lose sight of our vision for the future.  This lack of purpose can lead to hopelessness or apathy about what’s yet to come, which can easily morph into depression.  Alternatively, when you are living out your purpose, you can find yourself in a state referred to as flow by Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi.  You might recognize flow by feeling "in the zone".  When you find yourself in this state, you can find hope and connect to something greater than yourself.

How can I find my purpose?

For most of us, we aren’t born knowing our purpose for our life.  This develops over time as we discover our passions and our gifts.  But what might be some ways to facilitate that exploration and understanding?

Imagine your funeral.

Okay, so this one might be a little bit morbid.  Imagine that you’re at your funeral.  What do you hope people are saying about you?  Make a list of the qualities you’d hope to have describe you, and think about how your life reflects those current values.  As you uncover what you truly desire to be remembered about you, the values important to you become clear.

List your gifts, talents, and skills.

What are you good at?  What do you enjoy?  What have others indicated are your gifts?  What skills do you have?  The place where your greatest passion and talents meet is where you will find your purpose.  These give us a sense of intrinsic motivation, where we do work that we love just for the sake of it.  This intrinsic motivation drives goals more than external motivations, and it also improves our mental health.

Prioritize.

The reality is, you can’t tackle all of your goals at once.  If I could, I’d be a master baker, a proficient knitter and crocheter, and a sewing maven.  Sadly, I am none of those things.  But I am becoming an increasingly skilled therapist by working on that particular area because I know it is a priority for me.  Choose one area to focus on, perhaps that has to do with your vocation or your most important value.

Start big and then narrow down.

I’m a big culprit of losing the forest for the trees, so it’s helpful for me to think about my life in terms of a long-term vision, then narrowing it back to the present day.  Start with goals you hope to achieve five years from now.  Then ask yourself: what can I do in the next year to prepare for that five-year goal?  Once you’ve identified that, look at what you can do this month to meet the yearly goal, and what you can do this week to meet the monthly goal. 

For example, let’s say you want to run a marathon in the next five years.  Maybe that means at the end of this year you want to run a 10k.  This month you want to be up to running 2 miles straight without walking.  This week you need to go out for two 1-mile runs.

Studies show that depression leads to setting vague goals that are difficult to follow through on, which feeds back into the depression.  Breaking these goals into smaller chunks makes them more manageable.  Find that first small step you can take to move toward your goal.  Each step you take can help you to gain momentum.

Create a routine that implements some of these goals.

Schedule these goals in to your calendar!  Adding these activities to your schedule makes you more likely to carry them out.  If you struggle with depression this can be a great way for you to break out of the funk.  As you begin to achieve more simple activities that move you toward your larger life goals, you will feel a sense of agency and control over your future. 

Check in with yourself on a regular basis to make sure you’re living into your goals.

How many times have you set goals for yourself and then immediately forgotten about them?  Instead, display them somewhere prominent where you will see them on a daily basis.  Set an appointment with yourself to review these major goals each week or month.  Do a quick assessment each month to see where you’ve done well with your goals and what changes you could make to improve.

Have patience and don’t beat yourself up!

Change in habits to align with our values is a slow, long-term process.  Cultivate patience with yourself to prevent spiraling down into depression if your goals go unmet.  Give yourself grace to make mistakes, and use that as an opportunity to troubleshoot and see what’s in the way of your goals.

Stay accountable with a friend.

Do you have a friend who’s hoping to change some of their habits this year?  Use this person as a resource and hold one another accountable for exploring your purpose for the future.  Talk with them about your vision.  Discuss your weekly review of your goals or your monthly assessment with them.  Having a friend to talk about it with can make all the difference!

My hope is that as you set this intention and begin to make changes to align your life with your values, you’ll experience a sense of achievement and purpose that you wouldn’t have felt otherwise.

How to Set Boundaries That Work in Your Family

The holiday season has just passed, and you’ve likely experienced ups and downs throughout the weeks leading up to Christmas.  Perhaps your Christmas celebration looks just like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  But maybe (like most people) there’s at least a little family drama that always unfolds around the holidays.  As you reflect on your interactions with family, in-laws, or even friends this past holiday season, you may see some patterns of dysfunction in the ways in which you relate.

It might be time to start looking at some boundaries.

How do we define boundaries? Imagine sheep surrounded by a white picket fence on a spring afternoon.  (Makes you wish it were warmer outside, doesn’t it?)  This fence provides a physical boundary between the sheep and the outside world.  If there were a huge hole in the fence, or worse yet, no fence at all, the sheep would be vulnerable to attack from wolves or other animals that think a little mutton would make a tasty lunch.

At the same time, this fence has to let the sheep in and out of the pen.  If the sheep aren’t able to leave their pen, they will eventually eat all of the grass in their enclosure and starve.  They need to be able to leave the pen to get the nutrients they need.

Basically, boundaries keep the bad things out while still allowing good things in.  In relationships, boundaries allow us to take control over our own actions and feelings, and leave the responsibility for others’ actions and feelings to themselves.  Boundaries keep us safe, and rather than distancing us from others, they allow us to more freedom to connect with others.

How do you know you might need boundaries?

Check in with yourself and your emotions.  Common emotional responses to a lack of boundaries include feeling taken advantage of, resentment, discomfort, pressure, or trapped.  If you find yourself saying “yes” to everything even when it means taking on extra stress or tasks you don’t have time to do, you might need to look at your boundaries.  Feelings of being guilt-tripped by relatives that force you to comply even when you don’t want to can be another indicator of a need for boundaries.  Maybe you constantly find yourself bailing one of your relatives out of trouble they’ve gotten themselves in, and you feel annoyed with them as a result.

It is normal to realize you need better boundaries, especially if you come from a family where boundaries were not taught or enforced.  It could be that your family communicates with passive aggressive undertones, which influences your behavior without directly communicating a need.  You also might have felt a vague sense of unrest with your family, but you’ve so long accepted this style of relating as “normal” that you wouldn’t think to set boundaries unless someone else suggested it.

How do I start to implement these boundaries in my family?

Pay attention to your emotions.

As mentioned above, if you feel trapped, hopeless, and annoyed with others, that might be a sign that you’re in need of establishing some boundaries.   Notice the relatives who inspire a vague sense of guilt in you every time you speak with them.  To practice boundaries within yourself, take ownership of your own emotional response rather than blaming them with a “They made me feel this way.”  Instead, take responsibility for how you feel and make informed choices about what boundaries you need to set in order to control that response in yourself.

Begin to say “no.”

For every “yes” you say, you are also saying “no” to something else, even if you don’t realize it.  If you say “yes” to the extra project at work that leads to long hours, you’re saying “no” to time spent with your spouse and children.  If you say “yes” to helping your family with a last minute Christmas project, you say “no” to getting enough sleep to be functional during your work meetings the next day.  Incorporate the word “no” into your vocabulary.  Practice saying it aloud in front of a mirror.  Rehearse it with a trusted friend.

Ask yourself the question: “what do I want?”

Slow down and ask yourself what you would like to see change in your relationships.  Imagine that you could wave a magic wand and make everything the way you want it to be.  What would change?  Once you realize what you want, you can make changes in your boundaries to relate to others in a way that benefits both of you.

Set physical, mental, and emotional boundaries.

Let’s say you make an emotional boundary to remind yourself about your success and happiness in life when that pesky aunt always implies that you’ve not really achieved anything until you’re married with kids.  That may be helpful for a time, but if she makes those comments every time you are together, you may eventually need to start setting a physical boundary of spending less time with her.  Looking at the aspects of physical, mental, and emotional boundaries comprehensively helps you to address all fronts where those boundary violations can happen.

Identify consequences that will play out if the boundary is violated.

In order to make sure that you set boundaries that others will respect, the boundary needs to come with an appropriate consequence when it is violated.  For example, let’s say every time you get together with your sister over the holidays, she constantly compares how much she’s spending on gifts with you.  You may set a boundary with her that you don’t talk about money while you’re shopping, and the corresponding consequence could be that you won’t shop with her if it continues. 

Communicate your boundaries clearly and stick to them.

Once you have an idea of what you need to feel comfortable and safe in relationship, communicate your boundary.  Use “I statements” that describe how you feel, rather than accusing the family member of doing something wrong, which may cause them to become defensive.  Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Imagine that they do not know how you feel, and by directly communicating this boundary, you are giving them the opportunity to respond in love.  Once you set this boundary and communicate the consequence if it is violated, be sure to enforce the boundary and consequences.

If you don’t follow through on a boundary, examine why.

It is inevitable that we’ll find ourselves slipping on our boundaries every once in a while.  It may be that circumstances change and therefore the boundary has to change too, or that we didn’t realize we needed to establish a boundary in a certain area until after we’re triggered.  When this takes place, give yourself grace and use it as a learning opportunity.  Identify what went wrong this time around and put a plan in place to be able to enforce that boundary in the future.  See it as a practice – even starting to do some work on boundaries will increase our feelings of confidence over time.

Expect and prepare for a negative response.

When you first set a boundary, it is extremely common to get a negative response.  Humans are resistant to change, and especially if you’re attempting to shift a dysfunctional relational pattern, that can stir up extra backlash.  When this happens, practice a grounding exercise.  Choose not to engage in an argument or be convinced out of enforcing your boundary.  Instead, remind yourself of why you’re doing what you’re doing and follow through in the ways you need.

Why Honesty Is So Important In Addiction Recovery

Did you ever lie about anything when you were a kid?  Maybe you broke your mother’s favorite vase.  Maybe you snuck out of the house in the wee hours of the night.  Or maybe you just took an extra cookie out of the cookie jar.

Check out how this kid responds to being found out.  Did this ever happen to you?

Why do you think this little boy lied about eating the sprinkles?  It’s obvious to everyone else around him that he’s lying – the evidence is right there on his face and between his teeth.  I imagine he probably felt ashamed about what he had done.  He didn’t want to be found out, and he figured that since his mother didn’t see him eating the sprinkles, she probably wouldn’t know he had done it.  I wonder if, by the end, he’d been lying about the sprinkles for so long that he actually believed he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Notice the boy’s response when his mom does confront him about the sprinkles on his face.  He continues to deny that he ate them, and he slowly backs away from her.  Have you ever done this?  When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?  I wonder if he was afraid of punishment.  Maybe he wanted to be a “good boy.”   Or maybe he worried about what his mom would think of him, if she would still love him.

When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?

This pattern of deception, denial, and eventually getting found out characterizes the stories of most sex addicts.  Addicts likely feel shame about their behaviors, so they hide from their spouses or loved ones as long as possible.  This pattern of deception continues to the point that the addict begins to believe his or her justifications for the lies, and may begin to forget or discount the consequences of his or her behavior.  Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

Eventually, addicts get found out.  Whether the shame of living in addiction eventually becomes too much, or the addict is discovered, the spouse or their friends will eventually discover how the addict’s behavior affects them.  But even after being found out, addicts often continue to hide, either through denial (which makes their spouse feel crazy) or only telling parts of their story.

Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

I recently read a memoir written by a female sex addict in which she talked about the pivotal moment of her recovery coming when she chose to be honest about a relapse.  In the past, it would’ve been easy for her to hide instead of coming clean about what she had done.  However, when she did share in the midst of her 12 Step meeting, she was met with kindness and grace from the fellow members of the group.

Honesty is the first principle tied to the 12 Step program for a reason.  There is no recovery when there is continuing deception.  We need to learn to be honest.  If we deceive ourselves and others through denial, justification, and entitlement, we will never experience healing.  We need to admit that we are powerless over our addictions in order to grow.  Chances are, someone in your accountability group or 12 Step program has probably already suspected that you might be lying or hiding information.  Just like the boy in the video, we give cues and often later realize that others knew more than we thought.

There is no recovery when there is continuing deception. 

And yet, honesty is often one of the most vulnerable places we can find ourselves in.  When we choose to be honest, particularly about behaviors or desires tied to addiction, we often are admitting flaws or areas of intense, overwhelming shame.  Shame thrives in isolation.  As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

As Brené Brown says in her TED talk about vulnerability, we must connect with others in order to move through shame.  And the only way we can connect with others is to be honest with them.  Honesty invites intimacy.  Imagine the life you could be living in freedom from your addiction.  In order to grow in this freedom, it is crucial to be honest with ourselves and with others in the process of recovery.

As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

My challenge to you this week is to be honest with someone safe in your life, like a sponsor or accountability partner.  Maybe there’s an area of your addictive behavior that feels too shameful to admit.  Maybe there’s an area you’ve been in denial about for years, and you’re starting to believe that you might be more impacted by it than you realize.  Maybe there’s a dark side to your desire that frightens you.

Open up.  Share that weakness with a trusted confidante.  It will be vulnerable, and it likely will be painful.  But as you open up with others in your life, you’ll be able to experience genuine connection, intimacy, grace, forgiveness, and love.

The Power of Story: How Understanding Our Narrative Transforms Our Perspective

What is one of your favorite movies or books?  Do you have a particular story that always makes you cry, stay glued to the edge of your seat, or immerse you in a different world?  What kind of story draws you in? What stirs your heart as you read or watch?  What motivates the main characters to take on their challenges?

The Harry Potter book series comes to me as a prime example.  (Likely because I’m re-reading through it.)  This has always been one of my favorite adventure tales, and it doesn’t take long for me to get drawn back into the world when I pick up a book or turn on a movie from the series.  I love the themes of friendship, good vs. evil, justice served to areas where prejudice has reigned supreme, and development of characters as three-dimensional rather than stereotypes.

Whether you’re a fan of a good mystery, a thriller, or an epic adventure, many of the most compelling stories we encounter share similarities with something called the monomyth, or the hero’s journey.  Joseph Campbell studied mythology and found a common pattern in stories of heroes, much of which was based on the human experience.

So what does this hero's journey have to do with our lives?

Joseph Campbell showed how these stories reflect the human psychological experience.  He theorized, “We are all heroes struggling to accomplish our adventure.  As human beings, we engage in a series of struggles to develop as individuals and to find our place in society.”

When we begin to look at our lives as part of a larger story, we can see how the experiences we once thought were devastating can actually serve to further our life stories and move us closer to our reward.  We need to be able to move through trials and difficult experiences in order to experience fulfillment.  In fact, the trials in these myths are often the most exciting parts of the plot.

How might you find clues to the hero's journey in your own life?

Ask yourself these questions to begin to explore how what you're facing in life might be part of the larger narrative of your own journey

• What is your call to adventure? What is the cave you seek to enter?

• Who can assist you?

• What feels like a risk? What’s out of your comfort zone?

• What trials are you facing?

• What is your worst fear?

• What have been some of your worst moments?

• When have you seen reward or result of your actions? What reward do you still desire?

• How has your life experience changed you?

My hope is that as you engage with and explore these questions, you'll have renewed vision and hope for what is yet to come in your life, and you'll begin to see your trials and trouble as steps along your own hero's journey.

Surviving the Holidays With Your Spouse

Christmas trees are going up, holiday lights are twinkling, and peace and love are filling the air everywhere…well, everywhere except in your home.  The holidays are notorious for being fraught with conflict and stress, which can wreak havoc on our relationships.  Marriages are particularly under fire.  You’ve likely experienced arguments about which family traditions to uphold, where the holidays will be spent, and stress that comes with in-laws and shopping.  Research shows that divorces are shown to increase in the months following the holidays. I believe that relates to the conflict and strife that arises out of this season of the year.

How can you actively work to combat the potential devastation the holidays can bring to your marriage?

Discuss and plan traditions in your family.

As John Gottman likes to say, regardless of where we were born, we each bring our own cultures into the marriage: the culture of our family growing up.  We raised with traditions around the holidays, and you have likely tried to implement some of these within your current marriage.  However, some of these rituals can clash.

Talk with your spouse and ask about their favorite holiday traditions.  Pay attention to traditions they love now, favorite traditions of childhood, and what they wish you’d do together.  Talk about your best and worst experiences of the holidays growing up as a way of identifying common factors to implement and avoid.  Talk about your favorite holiday memories together as a couple and seek to put into practice similar moments.

If you come from families that didn’t have a lot of traditions, it might be helpful to implement some new practices, or rituals of connection, with your family.  Rituals of connection are practices infused with meaning that family members do in order to create connection, intimacy, and security in who you are as a family unit.  These rituals are an important factor in creating a new sense of family within your marriage.

Identify your own triggers and those of your spouse during the holidays.

While the holidays often carry special and joyful memories, they can also be overshadowed by trauma or pain.  If a loved one who has recently passed away played a major role in holiday festivities, the signs of the season may bring on fresh waves of grief.  Sit down with your spouse and children and talk about ways to honor the memory of those who won’t be celebrating with you this year.

Holidays also often involve time with family, which can sometimes be distressing.  Family dynamics can be their worst at the holidays, as stress makes our negative qualities more prominent.  Have a plan ahead of time for how to navigate those triggers together as a couple.

Sometimes even just lowering your expectations for the holidays can help.  It’s often the moments when you’re most trying to make the holiday perfect for someone else that you end up steamrolling over your spouse’s emotions.

Practice damage control when (not if) you fight.

If you know you and your spouse have the same argument every holiday season, take some time to plan ahead and talk through the potential fight earlier.  Use Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight discussion as a tool to process past fights, identify sensitivities or triggers you may have, and plan for how to approach those arguments in the future.

And when you inevitably find yourself in the argument, try to understand your spouse’s perspective and practice empathy.  Look for an opportunity to come to a place of compromise so that you can have a win-win situation, rather than trying to come out on top.

Inject some fun into your holiday celebrations.

Holidays are stressful.  (Have I said that enough?)  There are a multitude of events and schedules to juggle, between children’s schooling, work parties, and travel to visit family.  Take some time aside with your spouse to slow down and just have fun together.

Go see the Christmas lights at Greenfield Village.  Spend a day cuddled up under the blankets with hot cocoa having a Christmas movie marathon.  Drive around your neighborhood to see the lights and choose a favorite house.  If you have a hard time thinking of something, or you worry about having fun on a budget, Google some ideas and pick one or two that sound fun or inexpensive!

Budget together for Christmas shopping.

Finances are one of the top areas that couples tend to fight over, and the holidays are the season when it's easiest to overspend.  Buying gifts for friends and family, shopping the hot Black Friday deals, or going out for celebratory holiday meals can lead to greater spending than anticipated.

As a couple, set some limits on spending for the holidays.  Talk through how much you’d like to spend on your children, family members, and friends.  If this means you have to have hard conversations with your children or your extended family about your financial limits, seek to do so united as a couple.

Volunteer together.

The old adage about Christmas says that we ought to be more cheerful about giving than receiving.  However, that sentiment can easily get lost in all of the hustle and bustle.  Slowing down to notice opportunities to give back this time of year can help your family to connect to gratitude for the blessings you have and a larger purpose for the season.

Find an activity you can do with just your spouse, or bring your children into it as well.  Donate your time at a food kitchen.  Hand out blankets, food, and hygiene kits to the homeless.  Help out at a children’s Christmas party in an impoverished part of the city.  Ring a bell for the Salvation Army.

I believe taking one of the items above and putting in into practice could radically transform your marriage this holiday season.  Give it a try – you never know how one little shift could change your Christmas.

Six Simple Ways to Cut Through the Social Media Funk

It’s Saturday night, and you’re home alone again watching Netflix.  Cuddled up in your blanket, you open the Facebook app on your phone.  Before you know it, you’re scrolling through your newsfeed, checking out all the latest engagements and baby announcements of your friends.  You see a group of former high school classmates taking a beach vacation together, a group of friends posting a picture out at the bar, and your ex posting a photo with his new girlfriend.  Suddenly you’re swimming in a sea of depression, self-loathing, and comparison.

Whether you’re a mom of young children bogged down by the demands of a Pinterest perfect lifestyle or you’re obsessed with the number of likes on your perfectly filtered and retouched Instagram selfie, use of social media has infiltrated our culture to such a degree that our lives feel defined by our status updates.

A study completed at University of Pittsburg a few years ago indicated that heavy use of social media was correlated with depression.  Connections were also found between time spent using social media and the severity of depression symptoms, number of social networking platforms used and levels of depression, and a decline in happiness with use of Facebook.

A major factor in the link between social media and depression is what University of Houston researchers termed “social comparison”.  This refers to the tendency we have to flip through our newsfeeds and compare our lives to those of our “friends.”  People present their best, most polished selves on social media, and we spend time comparing those highlights to our worst moments.  We can feel jealous of what others have and give in to the mistaken belief that being perfect is what will make us happy.  Even comparing ourselves as better than someone else can have a negative impact on our moods.

Bullying plays a significant role in negative moods associated with social media.  Research shows that negative experiences are common on Facebook – in fact, as many as 1 in 4 adolescents reported being bullied through text or social media.  These negative experiences can not only contribute to depression in the short-term, but they can cause long-term traumatic effects.

What are some ways we can alleviate the effects of this social media funk?

Remove the apps from your phone.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I suddenly find myself mindlessly scrolling through Instagram.  The easy accessibility of apps on our phone makes the choice to look at social media almost unconscious. Deleting certain apps has made that decision more of a conscious choice.  I have to choose to type the website for Facebook into my browser before I can look at it.  This deters me from looking at social media more often.

Turn off your devices or charge them in a separate room an hour before bedtime.

In addiction treatment, “HALT” is an acronym used to describe situations in which addicts are more likely to be triggered: when they’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  These emotions can come up late at night, particularly tired and lonely.  In other words, nighttime is the perfect setup for you to be sucked into a social-media-fueled depression.  If you place your devices in a separate room and make a point not to use them before bed, this takes the temptation away.

Take a social media break.

There have been times in my life when social media feels like it’s consuming my life.  This has prompted me to take a social media break over a few days, intentionally not looking at my Facebook or Instagram.  Enforcing this break might involve deleting apps from your phone or using a software application such as RescueTime to limit your ability to access social media.

Purpose to check at certain times of the day.

It’s fairly simple to click over to Facebook or Twitter multiple times a day without thinking, and we can feel the wasted time slipping through our fingers.  Instead, choose two or three specific times during the day that you know you’ll have time and plan to look at your social media accounts then.  Sticking to this plan allows you to look forward to your scheduled time to check.

Figure out your purpose for social media.

Have you ever stopped to think why social media is so important to you?  Is it to maintain friends?  To feel connected to people who are far away?  To receive support or encouragement from others?  Or even just to distract you when you’re feeling bored?  Ask yourself why you are using it.  Studies have shown that those who use social media for positive interactions, social support, and social connectedness actually have positive outcomes for depression and anxiety.  How can you use your social media as a means through which you can decrease loneliness?  Remind yourself of what purpose it serves for you every time you log in.

Take an active role.

Use your Facebook or Twitter accounts as a tool to post honestly about your life, to give encouragement to your loved ones, or to connect with your friends.  Studies show that “surveillance use,” or seeking to use social media to observe others’ lives rather than express your own (or what I think of as mindless scrolling) increases depression.  Use these accounts to share your authentic self and embrace your imperfections, combating the mistaken belief that perfection is the goal for happiness.

Self-Care Saturdays: Nourish Your Body

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

For most of us in the US, we’ve just finished off a massive meal on Thanksgiving Day.  Thoughts surrounding food can go one of two ways.  On one side, food can provide an unhealthy source of comfort.  It can lead to overeating, obesity, or weight gain.  In extreme cases, an eating disorder can develop.

But food can be used for self-care as well.  Food is meant to nourish our bodies.  The right kinds of foods help our brains to work better and stave off the effects of mental illness.  Staying fed and hydrated gives us the energy to make it through the day.

I would love to change the way we think about food.  We might see food as something we manipulate to gain or lose weight, or to make our bodies look a certain way.  Instead, I would love to see food as a tool for our health.  Food can provide self-care as long as it isn’t the only means through which you receive comfort.  I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with eating a piece of candy, as long as it doesn’t become a binge (which is good, because I love candy!)

Here are some ways to practice self-care with food.

Make a delicious meal.

Several years ago, I loved Olive Garden’s delicious risotto dish with shrimp and asparagus.  It was my go-to meal at that restaurant…that is, until they took it off the menu.  I was heartbroken, but one day I stumbled across a copycat recipe for the meal online.  Within a few hours, I was able to make a delicious dish that was a near imitation of my favorite!

Take some time at home to make a copycat recipe for one of your favorite restaurant foods, or make a home cooked meal that reminds you of a certain time in your childhood.  If you’re not much of a cook, treat yourself to a meal at a restaurant that you love. 

You can also make a meal with your loved ones.  Cook with your kids, and set aside any worries about how messy the kitchen will get.  Make a meal for someone you love, like a friend who just had a baby, your spouse, or your parents. 

Eat mindfully.

In an earlier post, I discussed several ways to use mindfulness exercises to reduce anxiety.  These same exercises can be used while eating to remain connected and present.  In particular, I like using the 5-4-3-2-1 senses exercise.  Smell the food as it cooks and as you take your first bite.   Listen for the sounds of sizzling in the saucepan.  Listen to music while you’re cooking or eating.  Look at your plate of food.  What textures do you see?  Does it look appetizing?  What colors do you see?  Notice the taste and the texture of the food in your mouth as you chew, paying attention to if it is warm or cold.  Notice the taste: is it sweet or sour, bitter or flavorful?

Be mindful as you bake or cook a slower dish.  This is easier when you have time set aside to take as long as you need.  This past Thanksgiving, I decorated an apple pie with the shape of a turkey, and I knew I was able to have fun because I set aside a whole day to do it.  While this might not be practical for every day, it is a great idea to set aside a chunk of time to cook or bake.

Pay attention to your body.

Mindfulness extends past the present moment of cooking or eating a meal to the way you feel throughout the day.  Pay attention to how your body feels after eating.  Did you eat too much and feel overstuffed?  Are you still hungry?  How is the food sitting with you?  Are you thirsty or well-hydrated?

One way I love to pay attention to how much water I’m drinking is the Plant Nanny app, which encourages you to track your water intake by “watering” a plant on your phone.  Notice how increase in water intake or eating of different foods makes you feel throughout the day.

Learn about new foods.

Pick up a cookbook from your local library or read an article in a magazine for a new recipe.  Learn about the nourishing qualities of food by reading studies about the effects of different foods on your body.  I love to watch Food Network to learn about new recipes and techniques to try.  As a baker, I’m currently reading through a baker’s cookbook to learn about the chemistry behind how ingredients combine.  Learn about and follow health guidelines for food and portions.  In particular, pay attention to the foods you eat after exercise, such as taking in more protein.

Care for your allergies and sensitivities.

As you observe your body’s response to foods, you may notice the effects of a gluten allergy or sensitivity to dairy, or you might see how eating greasy food wrecks your stomach.  Think about the foods to which your body doesn’t respond well.  It can be self-care to give yourself something that is not so hard on your body.  When I worked at a Starbucks, I learned that dairy-milk lattes affected my stomach.  I switched over to soy milk, and it’s made all the difference.  Yes, that means that when I go in now to order a drink, I have to pay and extra 60 cents for my soy milk, but it’s worth it because it makes my stomach feel so much better (and it tastes delicious!).

Be aware of your mental attitude toward food.

When dieting comes into the picture, our food intake can become harshly restricted.  When we have endless rules about what we can and cannot eat, it’s easy to fall off the wagon.  Dieting focuses energy on thinking about our weight such that we pay more attention to it, which discourages us and can lead to emotional eating .  Instead of becoming wrapped up in following a certain diet and then feeling guilty and shame-filled when you break it, set realistic expectations and don’t beat yourself up.  Take baby steps.  Celebrate the little victories, looking more at the positive than the negative.

If you have difficulties around food, seek professional help.

If you struggle with an eating disorder, binge eating, obesity, eating to escape or self-medicate, insecurity about your weight, or guilt or shame about food, it is imperative that you get professional help.  You deserve to see food as a self-care comfort rather than a burden for you.  If you notice this article is triggering for you, or you identify with a difficulty listed above, seek help.  You deserve it.  You can call the hotline for the National Eating Disorder Association at 1-800-931-2237 or look at their resource page for a trained professional in your area.

Give Thanks

You may have an established Thanksgiving tradition of sitting down at the dinner table and naming things for which you are thankful, or you might just associate Thanksgiving with delicious food and days off work.  This year, I challenge you to take five to ten minutes to sit down with a journal or piece of paper and list those things for which you are grateful.  (I’d recommend this even if there weren’t a multitude of mental health benefits for practicing gratitude.)

Happy Thanksgiving from us at Restored Hope.  We are grateful for you.

The Unbearable Tension of Waiting

In American culture, we aren’t very patient.  We’ve become spoiled by easy access to entertainment and diversion through our smartphones and Netflix and technology within easy reach of us at all times.  We don’t like to be bored, and it’s quite easy to go through each day without having one second of downtime.  (I know this from experience).  Waiting for something seems like a foreign concept to us because we choose to numb out or not engage or feel when we’re faced with having to wait.  We can distract and consume more media to keep our minds off of what we feel.

And it makes sense that we’d want to avoid waiting.  Waiting is hard.

Waiting for the depression to lift.

Waiting as a single woman desperate to be noticed.

Waiting for our spouse to change, to love us more, to connect.

Waiting to feel joy.

Waiting for the anxiety to calm.

Waiting for God to speak, to comfort, to come through.

Waiting for the grief to subside.

Waiting for healing to come.

Waiting is heartbreaking.  We are desperate for the waiting to be over.  And that would feel good.  For a moment.  But what then?  Would we actually be satisfied?  Or would we rush so quickly past the receiving of the goodness that we miss the blessing of accepting the gift of the good thing we desire?  Are we constantly wanting more?

This heartbreak is a picture that our world is not what it was meant to be.  So why does God allow it to happen?  Pain is a necessary part of growth.  I have experienced the most significant periods of growth in my life when I have been the most frustrated by waiting.  I have had to learn patience, contentment, and joy in the present moment.

What would it look like to be content where we are, knowing it is nowhere near where we want to be?

How would it feel to find the joy and blessing in everyday moments without the expectation of receiving something different, something we judge to be better?

What does the Lord have to teach us in this waiting?  In the dry season?  In the winter of our lives?  When we suffer?

Every good story is driven by the tension of the waiting, of the pain, of the not yet getting the thing we desire.  Every film you’ve seen, every book you’ve read, each compelling plot is driven by the tension of the not-yet.  In some stories, even when the not-yet is reached, it is dissatisfying and disappointing.  Or perhaps it is not fully reached at all.

And the agony and beauty of the moment in that story when all seems lost, when the desired outcome seems so out of reach.  The exquisite pain of longing for the desire that we grasp for and yet it slips through our fingers.  This is the most poignant moment of the story, the pinnacle point where our emotions thrum at their highest note, where we connect most intimately with the pain.

It is the moment at which we feel most alive.

As you wrestle with the waiting, don’t become so consumed with the having of the thing that you miss the moments in the present that are passing by swiftly, such that we will never get them back.

Stop.

Look outside.  Not just outside in nature, but outside of yourself.

See the beauty.

Pause.

Drink it in.

Let it be slow.

Let yourself be unfinished and imperfect.

Don’t distract yourself or numb out from the pain.

Embrace the feeling of being fully human and in the middle of your story.