Surviving the Holidays With Your Spouse

Christmas trees are going up, holiday lights are twinkling, and peace and love are filling the air everywhere…well, everywhere except in your home.  The holidays are notorious for being fraught with conflict and stress, which can wreak havoc on our relationships.  Marriages are particularly under fire.  You’ve likely experienced arguments about which family traditions to uphold, where the holidays will be spent, and stress that comes with in-laws and shopping.  Research shows that divorces are shown to increase in the months following the holidays. I believe that relates to the conflict and strife that arises out of this season of the year.

How can you actively work to combat the potential devastation the holidays can bring to your marriage?

Discuss and plan traditions in your family.

As John Gottman likes to say, regardless of where we were born, we each bring our own cultures into the marriage: the culture of our family growing up.  We raised with traditions around the holidays, and you have likely tried to implement some of these within your current marriage.  However, some of these rituals can clash.

Talk with your spouse and ask about their favorite holiday traditions.  Pay attention to traditions they love now, favorite traditions of childhood, and what they wish you’d do together.  Talk about your best and worst experiences of the holidays growing up as a way of identifying common factors to implement and avoid.  Talk about your favorite holiday memories together as a couple and seek to put into practice similar moments.

If you come from families that didn’t have a lot of traditions, it might be helpful to implement some new practices, or rituals of connection, with your family.  Rituals of connection are practices infused with meaning that family members do in order to create connection, intimacy, and security in who you are as a family unit.  These rituals are an important factor in creating a new sense of family within your marriage.

Identify your own triggers and those of your spouse during the holidays.

While the holidays often carry special and joyful memories, they can also be overshadowed by trauma or pain.  If a loved one who has recently passed away played a major role in holiday festivities, the signs of the season may bring on fresh waves of grief.  Sit down with your spouse and children and talk about ways to honor the memory of those who won’t be celebrating with you this year.

Holidays also often involve time with family, which can sometimes be distressing.  Family dynamics can be their worst at the holidays, as stress makes our negative qualities more prominent.  Have a plan ahead of time for how to navigate those triggers together as a couple.

Sometimes even just lowering your expectations for the holidays can help.  It’s often the moments when you’re most trying to make the holiday perfect for someone else that you end up steamrolling over your spouse’s emotions.

Practice damage control when (not if) you fight.

If you know you and your spouse have the same argument every holiday season, take some time to plan ahead and talk through the potential fight earlier.  Use Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight discussion as a tool to process past fights, identify sensitivities or triggers you may have, and plan for how to approach those arguments in the future.

And when you inevitably find yourself in the argument, try to understand your spouse’s perspective and practice empathy.  Look for an opportunity to come to a place of compromise so that you can have a win-win situation, rather than trying to come out on top.

Inject some fun into your holiday celebrations.

Holidays are stressful.  (Have I said that enough?)  There are a multitude of events and schedules to juggle, between children’s schooling, work parties, and travel to visit family.  Take some time aside with your spouse to slow down and just have fun together.

Go see the Christmas lights at Greenfield Village.  Spend a day cuddled up under the blankets with hot cocoa having a Christmas movie marathon.  Drive around your neighborhood to see the lights and choose a favorite house.  If you have a hard time thinking of something, or you worry about having fun on a budget, Google some ideas and pick one or two that sound fun or inexpensive!

Budget together for Christmas shopping.

Finances are one of the top areas that couples tend to fight over, and the holidays are the season when it's easiest to overspend.  Buying gifts for friends and family, shopping the hot Black Friday deals, or going out for celebratory holiday meals can lead to greater spending than anticipated.

As a couple, set some limits on spending for the holidays.  Talk through how much you’d like to spend on your children, family members, and friends.  If this means you have to have hard conversations with your children or your extended family about your financial limits, seek to do so united as a couple.

Volunteer together.

The old adage about Christmas says that we ought to be more cheerful about giving than receiving.  However, that sentiment can easily get lost in all of the hustle and bustle.  Slowing down to notice opportunities to give back this time of year can help your family to connect to gratitude for the blessings you have and a larger purpose for the season.

Find an activity you can do with just your spouse, or bring your children into it as well.  Donate your time at a food kitchen.  Hand out blankets, food, and hygiene kits to the homeless.  Help out at a children’s Christmas party in an impoverished part of the city.  Ring a bell for the Salvation Army.

I believe taking one of the items above and putting in into practice could radically transform your marriage this holiday season.  Give it a try – you never know how one little shift could change your Christmas.

Self-Care Saturdays: Embrace Your Creative Side

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

Have you ever uttered the phrase, “I don’t have a creative bone in my body?”  Or maybe you’re more naturally artistic and consider yourself more right-brained than left-brained.  In my family, I’ve always been the “non-creative” one, at least when it comes to crafting or visual art.  (If you could see some of the disasters of Christmas ornaments I attempted to craft in elementary school…)

The reality is that all of us are creative, even if our creativity lies unused in the darkest corners of our mind.  Creativity isn’t just about making art.  In fact, the definition of creativity references creative expression as the use of imagination in the formation of original ideas.

Creativity has a multitude of benefits for your physical and mental health.  Many creative activities involve repetition and slowing down, both of which are soothing and relieve stress.  Practicing creativity improves brain function and mood.  Creative thought and behavior requires a slower pace: we cannot be creative and rush at the same time.  Have you ever noticed that when you give yourself the time to think and slow down, your best ideas come to you? 

In the counseling office, art therapy and music therapy are used to process emotions and experiences through creative expression.  The philosophy behind art therapy relates to neuroscience: art and music use the nonverbal, expressive area of our brains.  Emotions, trauma, and other painful experiences are often stored in these areas, and using our creativity connects with these emotions. Benefits of art therapy include improved mental health due to relieving the tension of those negative and painful emotions.

Keep in mind as you seek to explore your creativity: the point of creating isn’t to make something perfect: it’s to enjoy the process of creating.  What you make might not be on par with the Mona Lisa, a meal at a five-star restaurant, or one of Beethoven’s symphonies.  The point of creativity is not the end goal – it’s the journey of getting there.

Here are some ideas about how to practice creativity:

Coloring Books or Painting

Adult coloring books have become increasingly popular the past few years, often because of the benefits mentioned about the soothing nature of repetition and increased focus.  I even think there’s something fun and playful about coloring in a children’s coloring book with crayons, which you can do on your own or with your children.  Similarly, painting, either in a class with friends or on your own can be an enjoyable way to relieve stress, and can be relatively inexpensive with the purchase of your own crafting supplies. 

Crafting, Knitting, or Crocheting

These type of projects can be just as soothing and relaxing as a coloring book.  Look for ideas for projects on a Pinterest crafting board or a magazine that strikes your interest.  Start at the skill level you have in order to keep yourself from being discouraged by a project that ends up being too difficult or expensive to complete.

Food

Cooking and baking offer many opportunities to be creative.  Try a new recipe or alter ingredients or flavors in a recipe that you already love.  Play a version of Chopped where you start with four random ingredients in your kitchen and put together a meal using all four.  Brainstorm unique ways to decorate or style a dessert that you’ve made.

Gardening

Spending time weeding in the garden or growing plants, vegetables, and flowers can be surprisingly therapeutic.  The repetitive actions of tending the garden, watching as your plants grow, spending time outside and breathing in the fresh air, and feeling the sun on your skin are a perfect combination to awaken creativity.

Music

If you play a musical instrument or sing, spend some time playing some of your favorites, learning a new song, or creating your own.  You don’t need science to tell you that music has mental health benefits – you can experience it for yourself when you hear your favorite song and immediately feel an impact on your mood.

Writing

Whether you write professionally or you just like to keep a daily journal, a regular writing practice is a great way to relieve stress.  Spend some time journaling,  write a poem, or draft a mini-article about a topic of interest.

Scheme on a Friend’s Behalf

Dream up a creative way to make a friend or family member feel special.  If they have a birthday, special event, or you simply want to make sure they know they are loved, creatively brainstorm ways to bless them and love them well.

…and so much more!

There are so many options out there for being creative.  Whether you’re a fan of home improvement projects, hair and makeup, creating videos or photography, or even sports, there is a form of creative expression that fits with every personality.  Find what works for you and make it happen!

How will you embrace creativity in your life this week?

Self-Care Saturdays: Mastering the Art of Play

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

When we were kids, our main objective in the world was to play.  We could spend hours traipsing through the outdoors, creating our own games and imagining stories we’d act out with our friends.  But somewhere along the line, that sense of play was slowly overtaken by work –schoolwork, university, careers, and family life.

According to the Google, the verb “play” is defined as “engaging in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.”  As adults, this time can feel wasted or pointless because nothing is accomplished. 

But we need to bring play back into our lives.  There’s a simplicity to the idea of play that is missing from our experience as adults.  When we were children at play, we weren’t worried about anything other than the game or the imagined story in which we found ourselves.

There is an inherent value to engaging in play.  Play is an expression of freedom where I choose what I want to do right now and stop my play when it is no longer fun or enjoyable.  In this freedom, we experience greater creativity.  Children are encouraged to engage in play as a therapeutic technique to help them process pain and trauma they’ve experienced.

Oftentimes, play gets confused with leisure time, defined by distraction, disengagement, and emotional disconnection.  This is a sign that we’re using our leisure time to escape instead of rest.  In contrast, when you watch a child at play, you can see how engaged and curious they become in whatever exists around them, even if it seems trivial or unimportant.

Here are a few ideas to get you started on how to incorporate play in your life.

Remind yourself of how you used to play.

Over the course of time, we can lose touch with the playful spirit we had as children.  Dan Allender, in a series of podcasts on play, names a few questions to consider when you think about this topic.  What games do you enjoy playing?  What activities do you engage in that bring a sense of joy?  What did you used to play as a child that you enjoyed?

Be a kid on summer vacation again.

Think about all the ways you used to play in the summertime as a child.  What were some of the activities you loved?  Playgrounds and swings?  Exploring in the woods?  Schoolyard games?  Swimming in the lake?  Drawing with chalk?  Flying a kite?  Playing pick-up soccer or football?  Spend an afternoon doing some of these things!

Go to a museum or park designed for children and explore.

Some of my favorite memories of class field trips or family day trips involved visiting a zoo or a children’s science museum.  There was always so much to see and do, and I’d always learn something new.  Visit one of these parks or museums that you loved as a child with a curious and playful attitude.

Do a summer reading challenge.

As a lifelong book nerd, I always loved tearing through books as a kid to win a prize at our local library for amount of books read.  Many libraries have now extended the fun for adults and have broadened the ways you can earn points to include exploring the library buildings themselves, writing reviews for books, or attending library events.  I’ve joined in on the Ann Arbor District Library summer game for the past few years, which has plenty of options for fun and encourages me to attend community events I may not know about otherwise.

Throw a kid-themed party!

Friends’ birthday parties were always some of the highlights of the summer growing up.  Typically these parties involved themes, games, favors, and all the candy you could eat.  Invite your friends to a party and have a water balloon or water gun fight, get a piñata, or play children’s games like pin the tail on the donkey.

Learn from a child in your life.

Spend a day with a toddler or kid in your life, whether it’s your own child, a niece or nephew, or a friend’s child.  As you interact with them throughout the day, pay attention to how they view the world around them with curiosity and a sense of play.  Find ways to imitate that childlike spirit in your own life.

As you start to incorporate play into your life, pay attention to what emotions you feel.  You might find yourself distracted by embarrassment or shame.  You might feel silly or childish.  This is normal, especially at first, because play isn’t always encouraged in our day to day.  Observe your emotions, give yourself space to feel them, and know that the more you practice play, the more natural it becomes.

How will you begin to play this week?