Why Honesty Is So Important In Addiction Recovery

Did you ever lie about anything when you were a kid?  Maybe you broke your mother’s favorite vase.  Maybe you snuck out of the house in the wee hours of the night.  Or maybe you just took an extra cookie out of the cookie jar.

Check out how this kid responds to being found out.  Did this ever happen to you?

Why do you think this little boy lied about eating the sprinkles?  It’s obvious to everyone else around him that he’s lying – the evidence is right there on his face and between his teeth.  I imagine he probably felt ashamed about what he had done.  He didn’t want to be found out, and he figured that since his mother didn’t see him eating the sprinkles, she probably wouldn’t know he had done it.  I wonder if, by the end, he’d been lying about the sprinkles for so long that he actually believed he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Notice the boy’s response when his mom does confront him about the sprinkles on his face.  He continues to deny that he ate them, and he slowly backs away from her.  Have you ever done this?  When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?  I wonder if he was afraid of punishment.  Maybe he wanted to be a “good boy.”   Or maybe he worried about what his mom would think of him, if she would still love him.

When you’ve been caught in a lie, do you hide?

This pattern of deception, denial, and eventually getting found out characterizes the stories of most sex addicts.  Addicts likely feel shame about their behaviors, so they hide from their spouses or loved ones as long as possible.  This pattern of deception continues to the point that the addict begins to believe his or her justifications for the lies, and may begin to forget or discount the consequences of his or her behavior.  Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

Eventually, addicts get found out.  Whether the shame of living in addiction eventually becomes too much, or the addict is discovered, the spouse or their friends will eventually discover how the addict’s behavior affects them.  But even after being found out, addicts often continue to hide, either through denial (which makes their spouse feel crazy) or only telling parts of their story.

Particularly for women, hiding is common because sex addiction is perceived as a male-dominated issue and can carry intense messages of shame for women.

I recently read a memoir written by a female sex addict in which she talked about the pivotal moment of her recovery coming when she chose to be honest about a relapse.  In the past, it would’ve been easy for her to hide instead of coming clean about what she had done.  However, when she did share in the midst of her 12 Step meeting, she was met with kindness and grace from the fellow members of the group.

Honesty is the first principle tied to the 12 Step program for a reason.  There is no recovery when there is continuing deception.  We need to learn to be honest.  If we deceive ourselves and others through denial, justification, and entitlement, we will never experience healing.  We need to admit that we are powerless over our addictions in order to grow.  Chances are, someone in your accountability group or 12 Step program has probably already suspected that you might be lying or hiding information.  Just like the boy in the video, we give cues and often later realize that others knew more than we thought.

There is no recovery when there is continuing deception. 

And yet, honesty is often one of the most vulnerable places we can find ourselves in.  When we choose to be honest, particularly about behaviors or desires tied to addiction, we often are admitting flaws or areas of intense, overwhelming shame.  Shame thrives in isolation.  As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

As Brené Brown says in her TED talk about vulnerability, we must connect with others in order to move through shame.  And the only way we can connect with others is to be honest with them.  Honesty invites intimacy.  Imagine the life you could be living in freedom from your addiction.  In order to grow in this freedom, it is crucial to be honest with ourselves and with others in the process of recovery.

As we continue to hide and run away from others because of fear that they will see us as flawed and broken, we confirm the message to ourselves that we are unlovable. 

My challenge to you this week is to be honest with someone safe in your life, like a sponsor or accountability partner.  Maybe there’s an area of your addictive behavior that feels too shameful to admit.  Maybe there’s an area you’ve been in denial about for years, and you’re starting to believe that you might be more impacted by it than you realize.  Maybe there’s a dark side to your desire that frightens you.

Open up.  Share that weakness with a trusted confidante.  It will be vulnerable, and it likely will be painful.  But as you open up with others in your life, you’ll be able to experience genuine connection, intimacy, grace, forgiveness, and love.

How Recognizing Grace Transforms Counseling

I’ve been a traveling therapist these past few weeks, jetting off around the country for various conferences. Some have been counselor-focused, and others have been for personal growth and healing, because in order to offer the best care I can to my clients, I need experience my own healing.  I sat in on a talk given at a conference by a favorite speaker of mine, Mark McMinn, who taught my graduate school professors and was influential in my educational experience as a result.  He spoke about integrating grace in his counseling sessions and the impact of the message of grace.  This message felt like a personal devotional time of reconnecting with the grace in my own life.

Here were a few reflections I’ve since had from that session.

How do we define grace?

When I first became a Christian, I had no idea what grace meant.  I’m sure I heard sermons about it, read about it in the Bible, and heard other people talk about their experience of grace, but I was clueless as to how it affected me.  It wasn’t until I read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning that the true message of grace sunk in.  I learned that no matter what I did, no matter what mistakes I made, no matter how many times I failed, I could rest in the love that God had for me and know that it was enough.

McMinn talked about grace in this way: Grace is a free gift of love, forgiveness, and God’s favor with no strings attached.  It is above and beyond all we could ever want or need.  There is no hidden agenda or any way we could pay God back for the grace we receive.  It isn’t contingent on how we respond.  It is unconditional and is given to us before we decide to receive it.  It doesn’t make sense.  It changes us.

Ultimately, grace is about believing that I am enough.

In my personal retreat this past week, I engaged with the question of “Am I enough?”  This is a common question we face, and we often answer this question one way or the other based on what we see in our lives.  But what grace tells us is that our actions cannot add to or detract from our fundamental worth and value.  If I am going to experience grace for myself and extend it to my clients, I must rest in the truth that we each have individual and inherent worth and value, and that because of that, we are enough.

Grace allows us to practice acceptance.

As I talked about in an earlier post, there is a surprising freedom that comes as we take stock of our circumstances and give ourselves grace for how we are handling them.  Often we are plagued by the “tyranny of the shoulds,” where we wonder about how we “should” be facing a certain circumstance, or we fret over how our circumstances are not working out as they “should.”  However, the energy spent on “shoulding” all over ourselves and others simply increases our distress.  As a therapist, one of my goals is accept and love you in the middle of your circumstance, offering you grace when you aren’t able to offer it to yourself, with the hope that you will learn the path to offering grace to yourself.

Our values are incredibly important.

While we may accept our circumstances, that doesn’t mean throwing our hands up in defeat.  Accepting our circumstances doesn’t magically fix them. What it does is provide clarity on what actions we can take to move toward our values.  In the urgency of the day-to-day, we can lose sight of the things most important to us.  If you make a list of all the things you value and compare it to your current schedule, you would likely find some inconsistencies.  Identifying and reminding yourself of your values and choosing to act in accordance to them even amidst chaotic circumstances allows you to experience peace.

Addiction treatment is vastly different with an outlook toward grace.

Manning, the author of the Ragamuffin Gospel, suffered from a lifelong pull toward alcoholism.  Alcoholism and addictions of any kind are driven by shame: as the addict feels shame in their life, they will choose to medicate or run away from that shame with addictive behaviors.  However, addressing shame with grace removes the fuel for the fire of addiction.

Resist shame by befriending the thoughts that are plaguing you.  Accept them, normalize them, and allow them to be there while also making decisions based on your values.  Imagine a sex addict feeling the urge to view pornography.  In the moment when she feels that urge, she may experience shame and “should” all over herself, which will lead her to medicate that shame with the most effective tool she has – acting out in her addiction.  With an approach of grace, however, the addict can choose to normalize her urges (“Of course I’m wanting to view pornography, I’m an addict and there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain.”) and then choose to act in a way that is in alignment with her values (“Sobriety is important to me, so I’m going to choose to call my sponsor instead.”)

Grace is humbling and helps us admit we are wrong.

Grace offers us the opportunity to admit that we don’t have it all together.  Over the years, McMinn named that he had adapted his counseling style from one focused more on concrete thoughts and emotions (cognitive behavioral therapy) to a method that involved more mindful awareness and acceptance of the present state of circumstances (acceptance and commitment therapy).  He even wrote a book about the first style of therapy that he admitted to his audience was not in alignment with what he currently practices.  Grace gives us the humility to adapt and change our response.

We develop empathy as we connect with our personal brokenness.  Accepting grace requires us to admit that we are human, that we’ve failed or done wrong or made a mistake.  It makes it easier to forgive others when we see how broken we are ourselves.  Imagine the difference this could make in marriage if couples extended grace to themselves and to one another.  Imagine the effect this forgiveness could have.

Where do you need grace in your life today?  Are you ready to ask for help?

A Dangerous Spiral: The Cycle of Addiction in Sex and Love Addicts

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a familiar pattern of behavior that you promised you would never do again?  Maybe it was a series of toxic relationships where you felt drained of life.  Maybe you found yourself having one drink too many again, with the raging hangover to prove it.  Perhaps you wonder how you managed to polish off another bag of cookies all by yourself.

For the sex and love addict, finding herself in the middle of behaviors she promised she would never return to again is a common occurrence.  There’s often a distinctive difference where her “addict” self takes over and their true, authentic self disappears.  It seems reminiscent of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, where she feels clueless of how the change even happens.

We’ve talked about triggers toward addictive behavior in the past.  While triggers can often be the spark that lights the fire, the fire burns brighter and picks up speed as it starts to move through the cycle of addiction introduced by Patrick Carnes in his book, Out of the Shadows. 

Beginning the Cycle

The cycle starts when events trigger the addict to experience beliefs rooted in shame.  Thoughts like “I am not enough,” “I am too much,” or “There is something wrong with me” can trigger a shame spiral, which leads to painful emotions.  The addict can feel the tension of desire to escape from the pain, creating a void she wants to fill.  These shame statements can be made worse by feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, which are often results of poor self-care.

Stage 1: Preoccupation and Fantasy

As she tries to cope with the shame and beliefs she’s experiencing, the sex and love addict begins to fantasize about her desired sexual behavior.  Sexual behaviors are typically the primary way she has learned to cope with distressing emotions.  Eventually, her obsessive thoughts about sex or relationships can feel intrusive and uncontrollable as they continue to pop into her head uninvited.  Fantasy about past sexual behavior or the potential of future behaviors can flood her brain with dopamine, a neurochemical in the brain that is a driving factor in sexual addiction.

What does preoccupation and fantasy look like for you?

Stage 2: Ritual 

Next, the addict begins to prepare to engage in her sexual behavior.  In this stage, the addict begins to disconnect from the world around her.  Time can pass in a rush, responsibilities can be ignored or forgotten, and she moves in autopilot, energy coursing through her body as a result of the flood of neurochemicals in her brain.  She may prepare to meet sexual partners by dressing up and putting on makeup, driving to a bar, or opening a hookup app on her phone.  If her addictive behavior is based online, even opening a computer can serve as a ritual. The emotional “high” from engaging in these rituals is typically more sexually charged than the sexual behavior itself.

What are your rituals?

Stage 3: Compulsive Sexual Behavior

Stages 1 and 2 set the addict on a crash course toward what is referred to as “acting out behavior,” or the compulsive sexual behavior in which the addict engages.  Once the cycle has started, this behavior can feel inevitable, especially if she isn't aware of the process of ritual and preoccupation.  While to the outsider this stage might look like the goal of the cycle of addiction, in reality it serves as the activity that brings the thrill or high to a halt.  In fact, many addicts look forward to and prolong the ritual stage for as long as possible so they don’t break the high of the behavior.

How would you define this problem behavior in your life?

Stage 4: Despair

When the addict acts out, she then experiences both relief and shame.  The relief comes from masking the distressing emotions she felt that drove the behavior, but it is often quickly followed by shame surrounding the failure to resist acting out.  Sadly, that shame can reinforce the beliefs about herself that initially led the addict to become triggered in the first place.

She might try to numb out or disengage from those feelings through other addictive behaviors, such as alcohol, drugs, food, cleaning, religious activities, shopping, or focusing on children.  But the easiest way to deal with that guilt and shame that arises is to return to the sexual acting out to mask those feelings once again.  The underlying issues that started the addictive cycle in the first place (the shame and negative core beliefs that started the spiral downward) are left unaddressed.

What do you tend to do to make your despair or shame go away?

Jumping Off the Cycle

You cannot break this cycle by just telling yourself to stop.  It is crucially important to examine how your personal version of the cycle looks so that you’re able to recognize when you’re headed toward a downfall.  The cycle can only be addressed when you start at the root: the underlying core beliefs and triggers that led you there in the first place.

Start noticing the events, thoughts, and emotions you have prior to your fantasy or preoccupation starting.  What do you believe about yourself or about the world around you?  When you notice that shame arising, slow down and practice self-care.  Journal or call up a trusted friend who can help you sort through what you’re experiencing.  Look for alternative behaviors to meet the needs that are driving your desire to act out.  Examine those emotions or experiences in a healthy way with your therapist, and you’ll begin to notice the drive to escape is not as powerful as you once thought.

What's In a Name? How Discovering Who You Truly Are Can Transform Recovery

Have you ever done the exercise where you’re asked to write down 10-20 adjectives that describe who you are?  This task can stir up all kinds of emotions.  Maybe it’s relatively easy for you to come up with several descriptors.  For me, I usually run out of ideas after about five or six. 

But what if the words that immediately come to mind are so negative and critical that you would never speak them aloud to someone? 

Often those hidden, negative words we wouldn’t say aloud cut to the core of who we are. These words embody the messages of shame that we either inflict upon ourselves or that we hear from others.   When we name ourselves with these words, we give them power.   

What are some of the negative labels that you apply to yourself?

For the female sex and love addict, there are plenty of labels that echo through her mind.  Whore.  Slut.  Dirty.  Easy.  Needy.  Too much.  Not enough.  These words give a glimpse of her low self-esteem with feelings of little value or worth.

For the addict, condemning herself can feel good.  Hatred toward herself or others can mask the shame that she feels.  If she can become angry at the behaviors in herself or at other people who practice them, maybe then she can force herself to stop.  Unfortunately, all the negative words she uses as a way of trying to motivate change in herself only increase her shame.  Since shame is one of the primary motivators of addictive behavior, she may instead cope with the pain by acting out more.

These shame-filled messages only increase the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and longing that drew her to the addictive behaviors in the first place.  They echo stories of trauma and pain from her past. Addictive behaviors provide a temporary relief, but they don’t solve the problem at the root: the issue of identity.

What are we to do about this?

Instead of using condemning labels and heaping shame on yourself, take a closer look at your identity.  Exploring and establishing a strong sense of personal identity is not work that can happen overnight.  It is a gradual process that is steeped in self-care, relationships, and substantial shifts in your way of thinking about yourself and others.  But If you rest in a true and authentic understanding of who you are, you are much less likely to act in ways that contradict that identity.

Here are some ways to explore your identity and have a more accurate assessment of your self-worth:

• Practice nurturing yourself. If you’ve experienced any level of trauma or pain in your childhood, you’ve likely learned ways of coping or surviving that are more destructive than helpful. Begin to practice healthy ways of coping and self-care.

• Identify what you need. Addictive behavior often stems out of a legitimate desire that either wasn’t met in childhood or earlier experiences, or that you’re feeling now. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” and look for opportunities to meet that need.

• Speak words of kindness to your vulnerable self. In the moments when you feel the weakest and in pain, your tendency may be to heap more shame upon yourself. Instead, speak to yourself with words of love and kindness.

• Make a record of your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for accomplishments – no matter how small – can uplift your self-esteem and help clarify what’s important to you. This can pave the way for identifying areas of purpose and value in your life.

• Spend time with a close friend or loved one. The people we are closest to can affirm positive aspects of ourselves to which we are blind. Ask them to name the positive qualities they see in you.

• Spend time with God or reading the Bible. As Christians, our identity is founded in Christ. When you feel desolate and alone, reflect on God’s love and grace toward you, and become more firmly rooted in how He defines you as created in His image.

As you begin to explore your identity, you’ll develop a greater understanding of who you are, what makes you feel alive, and what gives you a sense of security and confidence in yourself.  My hope for you is to remind yourself of your true identity daily.  Make a collage of these words.  Write them down.  Place these words somewhere prominent so you can see them each and every day.   Be encouraged by these reminders when the messages of shame begin to grow.

How Sex and Love Addiction Impacts Your Brain

What do you believe influences your brain’s functioning?  Maybe it’s by the nutrients you take into your body, such as the food you eat or the water you drink.  Maybe it’s the amount of sleep you get on any given night.  Perhaps what we view, read, or listen to affects our minds and our thoughts.  While we might notice some immediate effects (like trying to handle daily life after being awake with your kids every 2 hours through the night), our brains can often change in subtle ways over time.

When we look more specifically at addiction, we can see changes to the neurochemistry of the brain that occur over time and continued use of substances.  Brain scans of individuals addicted to drugs have shown that addictive behaviors provide a rush of dopamine, a “feel-good” hormone in the brain that encourages repetition of behaviors and leads to craving and dependence.

In the case of sex and love addiction, it might be assumed that these brain changes are different, because the addict isn’t taking in a substance.  However, brain scans show that there are similar effects on the brain’s neuropathways in sex and love addiction as there are in drug use.

So how does exactly does addiction affect the brain?  Watch this short video created by psychotherapist Paula Hall to see a practical metaphor for how your brain can be influenced by addiction:

Here’s the good news: we can take focused action to change and rewire our brains!  If you struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, know that your brain can become dependent on that flood of dopamine.  Healing and freedom from these behaviors includes increasing alternative ways of experiencing a dopamine rush, as well as limiting the tendency to return to the addictive behavior.  But how can you change these neuropathways of addiction?  Here’s some ideas.

Recovery Work

Find yourself a therapist or a therapy group to join to start doing the work of recovery.  This focused work will direct your energy and your mind’s focus to the work of healing, rather than driving you back into addictive behaviors.  You’ll also learn tools to fight back against your brain’s tendency to travel down familiar roads toward addictive behavior.

Community

Find a group of people you can come alongside to support your healing.  This could look like attending a 12-Step group like SAA or SLAA, joining a church support group, or finding a therapy group.  It is so important for you to have people you can talk to about your struggles who can empathize with you and hold you accountable to change.

Sobriety

Establishing sobriety can be one of the toughest tasks in early recovery.  A general rule of thumb is to experience 90 days of abstinence in order to reset the brain’s dependence on the behavior.  Set yourself up well for sobriety by creating a three circle plan, as outlined in this article.

Self-Care

In general, if addiction is part of your story, you may struggle to be kind to yourself or even to be aware of what you need.  Addicts often live in extremes of deprivation or indulgence. Typically, compulsive behaviors are what we turn to when we’re stressed, lonely, angry, or tired.  Instead of constantly turning to deprivation, replace compulsive behaviors with good self-care.  As Paula mentions about in the video above, these self-care activities likely won’t feel as good as the compulsive behavior at first.  With time, however, they will become roads for you to get that same dopamine rush in a healthy way.

Vision for the Future

In Jim Collins’ book Good to Great, he talks at length about Admiral Stockdale, a naval officer who became a prisoner-of-war for several years during the Vietnam War.  When asked how he survived the prison camps, he was quoted as saying that he needed face the present reality of how bad his circumstances were, as well as keep faith and a vision for the future after the prison camps.  As you face the reality of your struggles with sex and love addiction, keep in mind the end goal, the vision for the future.  Knowing why you’re working your recovery will motivate you to continue doing this healing work.

For When We Wonder if We'll Ever Have Enough

Have you ever stopped to notice the multitude of desires you experience each day?  They can be as minor as for pizza for dinner that night, or as important as a desire for relationships or experiencing more joy in life.  Advertisers and marketers play on these desires of our hearts to influence us to want whatever product they’re selling.  They make promises that we’ll be happier, more attractive, or more successful when we purchase or use their product.

I recently listened to a sermon by Tim Keller of Redeemeer Presbyterian Church in New York City that spoke to this area: the feelings of desire or longing that overtake us, leaving us feeling unbalanced or as though we don’t have enough.  He shares a Bible passage from Numbers that takes place after God’s people, the Israelites, have just been released from slavery in Egypt.  In the course of the chapter, the Israelites complain about the lack of variety of food they are eating in the wilderness.  They desire to return to their slavery in Egypt because they had access to meat and rich food.  In their freedom, the Israelites lose sight of the harsh realities of their enslavement.

Many who fight against mental illness or addiction connect with this concept of forgetting past consequences and feeling enslaved to desire.  At the same time, all of us can understand experiences of desire and the hold they can have on us.  Think about the desires you have when you had a bad day at work.  Maybe you want to avoid talking to your coworkers, pick a fight with your spouse when you get home, or escape through eating, shopping, or endless hours of TV.

The First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12 Steps involves admitting powerlessness over our drug of choice, naming the fact that dependence on that substance led our lives to become unmanageable.  Whether that drug of choice looks like alcohol, sex, or escapism, it’s clear to see we are all powerless in some areas of our lives.  In fact, often when we believe we are powerful is when we are most powerless.

We are most powerless when we are unable to admit to our own powerlessness.

What are some of the desires you have in your life that come up again and again?  Maybe they are desires for good things, but they have overtaken your mind, emotions, and willpower and end up enslaving you.  Some of these desires might be for financial freedom, marriage and relationships, or a happier outlook on life.  Ask yourself how you would fill in this blank: “If only I had ________, my life would be better.”

What are your “if only”s?

But how many times have you seen people who give everything they have in search of this goal or desire, and when they finally receive the thing they want, they realize that it’s not enough?  Maybe you’ve noticed this in yourself: you thought marriage would make you happy, but now that you’re married, you feel more lonely than when you were single.  You thought having money would make life easier, but it feels like you’re constantly holding out for the next raise or promotion so you can achieve your next financial goal.  You can feel disappointment at constantly striving for the next thing and feeling as though you don’t have enough.

If you’ve ever had the thought, “If only I had _____________, my life would be better,” you’re able to catch a glimpse of the day-to-day world of addiction.

For an addict, the addictive substance or behavior is constantly demanding more and telling the person that they will be happy if they continue to chase the next high or thrill..  That constant refrain is what makes it so difficult for the addicts to stop their behavior: they are enslaved by the addictive behavior and are unable to see the effects it has on their mind, emotions, and will.

What then?  How do we cope with the craving and desire within us for more?  Start by connecting with your Higher Power.  Alcoholics Anonymous defines a Higher Power as “a power greater than ourselves” that restores sanity in our lives.  For the Christian, this Higher Power is God.  Building connection and trust with God involves acknowledging that all of our needs are met in Him, and seeking relationship with Him first and foremost because He meets our desires perfectly.

Use the knowledge you gain from connecting with your Higher Power to create a greater vision for your life.  Ask yourself: Who do I want to be known as?  What do I want people to say about me after I’ve gone?  What are the things I’d like to accomplish in my life?  What are the dreams that I have?

As you explore this vision further, spend some time with close friends or with a significant other brainstorming about what fulfilling those dreams would look like.  Have your friends hold you accountable for the priorities you’ve changed.  Talk about your dreams in which a way that you can begin to understand them further and make an attitude and action shift.

How might you begin to connect with God or with your vision for your life today? 

How Do I Stop Myself? Seven Ways to Cope with Triggers of Addiction

Andrea is walking through the mall when she hears a familiar sound playing through the speakers.  She can’t quite make it out at first, but she notices a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She stops in her tracks and listens, finally making out the melody.  It hits her – this was the song she and one of her previous affair partners had called “their song.”  Flooded with emotions of fear, anxiety, longing, and dread, she turns on her heel and exits the mall at close to a sprint.

What Andrea experienced in that moment is what therapists who specialize in addiction treatment call a “trigger.”  Often sensory memories, such as the taste of a delicious meal, the smell of perfume, or seeing a beautiful view can remind you of fond memories.  However, for addicts, triggers like these can bring back thoughts, memories, or feelings that have to do with the addiction.  These triggers often cause an immediate, visceral response in the addict.  This response can be accompanied by reminders of the drug of choice.  Triggers become particularly impactful when the addict is facing stress.

If you often find yourself in a spot where you’re feeling triggered, what can you do about it?

While the ultimate goal of recovery from addiction involves identifying triggers and planning for them ahead of time, as well as reducing the effects they have, you may come across a time where you are triggered unexpectedly and wondering how to handle the ensuing emotions and memories.  Here are some ideas of what to do:

Stop and ask yourself the question: “Do I want to get well?” 

Marnie Ferree, in her book No Stones*, references the story in the Bible recorded in John 5 of a crippled man who had been waiting at the healing pool of Bethesda to wash himself in the waters.  When Jesus approaches him to heal him, He first asks him this question: Do you want to get well? 

Marnie names this as the most important question for recovering addicts, adding, “Your recovery will depend on how you answer this question on a daily basis.  Your yes will simplify many of the choices you’ll have to make.  Let your vision of sobriety and healing motivate and encourage you."

Questioning yourself in this way is a technique that comes from the theory of motivational interviewing, which has been shown in some studies to change a nicotine addict’s response to the trigger of tobacco.  It helps you to connect with the delayed consequences of your actions, rather than just being caught up in the immediate gratification that addictive behavior gives.

Practice quality self-care.

In our driven and self-motivated culture, self-care strategies are very often pushed to the side or forgotten about completely.  In fact, lack of self-care can a contributor to addictive behavior, as cravings are often worsened by stress or a desire to escape from the realities of life.

While self-care can include such activities as exercise and journaling, a self-care strategy that is particularly potent for fighting back against addiction is gratitude.  Practicing gratitude helps to slow the deprivation mentality that accompanies addiction, instead replacing it with joy in response to the good things present in your life.

Practice acceptance.

If you have struggled with addictive behaviors, your brain has been trained to respond to triggers by turning to the addictive behaviors.  Part of the reason this connection is so strong is because often, addictive behaviors met what they promised, even if it was only for a moment. Rather than shaming yourself for that tendency, offer yourself grace and remind yourself that these thoughts are normal for people in recovery.  Remind yourself that you are re-learning new patterns, and take time to engage in those new patterns right then and there.  Accepting the past and making a choice to live differently puts you in a position one step above the addiction, as you reclaim your power and strength over the behaviors.

Engage with your desires.

Often, the underlying cause of addictive behaviors is a desire to fulfill a legitimate need, but the fulfillment is carried out in a way that is destructive.  The acronym HALT is often used with addiction: that triggers are more likely to affect you if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Instead of choosing to run to addiction, take some time to slow down, name the desire (even if it’s just for a delicious meal!), and find ways to meet that desire in a healthy way.  For sex and love addicts, the underlying desire behind addictive behaviors is often intimacy and connection, which is why relationships with others in 12-Step groups or therapy groups can often provide a healthy way to meet that desire.  For Christians, engaging with desire can look like connecting with God in prayer, naming the desires you have, and seeking to trust him with the desires not yet met.

Reach out to your social support.

If you are in recovery, it is important to link yourself up with people who can support you and who know the whole story.  While this support network may begin with just your therapist, your therapist will likely encourage you to join a 12-Step group (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) or support group in order to find others with whom you can empathize and receive help.  If you notice a trigger, call your sponsor or a trusted friend from your support network to be able to talk you through it or be with you in it.  The most effective way to interrupt your addictive cycle is to talk through it with someone.

Take a mindful moment.

Mindfulness helps you to re-center yourself on the present moment, rather than getting caught up in memories of the past or desires for the future.  Practicing mindfulness forces you to slow down, pay attention to your emotions, and acknowledge what you’re experiencing.  It also helps you to identify how your thoughts and actions are being influenced by those emotions.  Take some time to practice this grounding exercise that engages your senses: notice five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch, two things you smell, and one thing you taste in the environment around you.

Use affirmations to remind yourself of truth.

As you begin to walk through recovery, you’ll realize how your self-image and negative core beliefs about yourself have influenced your behavior as well as your response to triggering events.  Find words that you can repeat to yourself in the moments where you feel weakest that are in direct contrast to the negative self-talk you use in moments where you are triggered.  These statements can be something along the lines of “I am strong enough to overcome this” or “I am loved.”  Scripture can be used as affirmations as well, with verses such as Philippians 4:13 (“I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” NLT) or Psalm 23:1 (“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.” NLT)

Ultimately, you will not be able to avoid or eliminate triggers altogether in your recovery from addiction.  You cannot control the sights, sounds, and smells that are around you on a daily basis.  What you can do instead is learn to cope with those triggers and put supports in place so that when you are facing a trigger, you know how to best handle it.

Is This Normal, Or Do I Have a Problem? Six Questions to Ask Yourself if You Think You Might Be a Sex and Love Addict

I often come across people who have wrestle with the label of “addict” to define their problematic sexual behaviors.  In a cultural time when sex is spoken about more freely and we are pushing back against past cultural norms, it can be a confusing endeavor to define your own personal values in this area and discern if behaviors are problematic.

To be honest, I have my own difficulty with the term “addict”.  It can be stigmatizing, it has all sorts of negative stereotypes attached to it, and it is sometimes even overused to the point that it loses all meaning.  Particularly in churches, the label of “sex addict” may be overused for individuals who struggle with lust or sexual sin.

Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in research on sex and love addiction, defines addiction as “a pathological relationship with a mood altering chemical or behavior.”  In the context of sex and love addiction, Carnes developed a simple tool based on the CAGE alcohol abuse screening model to use to tell if your actions can be categorized under the umbrella of sex and love addiction.

Let’s say I have a client named Ann.  Ann comes into my office and immediately starts off with, “I’m having trouble with this whole ‘addict’ thing.  I mean, I really don’t think I’m an addict.  There are people who are way worse than I am.”  After asking a few more questions, I hear from Ann that she’s been viewing pornography daily, compulsively masturbating, and hooking up with men at work.  Her husband has no idea this behavior is happening.

I may use Carnes’ screening tool in order to determine if Ann is struggling with sex and love addiction. He uses an acronym called PATHOS that covers the following six questions:

Preoccupied: Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?

Ann tells me that she thinks about sex all the time, “but isn’t that normal?”  While it would be odd not to think about sex at all, if you find that sexual thoughts and desires make up the vast majority of your thought content, this may be an issue.  Similarly, if you obsessively avoid sex, this question still applies: a large amount of your thought content is still related to sex, even if it’s on how to avoid being sexual.

Ashamed: Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others?

As mentioned earlier, Ann’s husband has no idea about the behaviors she’s been engaging in.  When asked if she would tell him, she adamantly denies that it’s any of her husband’s business.  This deception is often an indicator of some level of shame surrounding the behavior, or a knowledge that what is being done is at odds with her value system.

Treatment: Have you ever sought therapy for sexual behavior you did not like?

Currently, Ann has identified a treatment goal of wanting to “watch less porn,” as it often keeps her up late into the night, which makes her groggy and distracted at work the next day.  While she didn’t come in saying she had an addiction, she did realize that some of her sexual behaviors were problematic and were affecting the rest of her life.

Hurt others: Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?

Ann may not think her behavior is affecting anyone, especially since her husband is unaware of what she’s doing.  However, when we consider the time she takes away from her husband, the mood shifts and irritability that happen with addiction, the relationships she fosters without her husband’s knowledge – these things are affecting and hurting him, even if Ann does not see the full impact currently.

Out of Control: Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?

When asked if she had ever tried to stop her behaviors, Ann mentioned a couple of times where she was able to go a few days without, but never longer than a week.  She also mentioned that once she had the idea in her head to search for porn, it would just happen on autopilot, without making a conscious decision to act on that thought. 

Sad: When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? 

Even though Ann didn’t initially mention any sadness after her sexual behaviors, through the course of therapy we found that she would often feel numb after her sexual encounters.  We discovered this was a way in which Ann covered over her feelings of depression.  This, in turn, worsened the depression as she distanced herself from her husband and any other relationships in her life.

While Ann’s story is fictional, this all too often is the experience of a sex and love addict, and he or she can feel as though they have nowhere to turn.  However, there are many resources available for those who struggle with sex and love addiction – the first step is to share with your therapist so that he or she can come up with a plan together with you. 

5 Lies Female Sex and Love Addicts Believe

Jane thought tonight would be just like any other night.  She got home from work, made dinner, tucked the kids in to bed, and went upstairs to send a few work emails.  Her husband was traveling, but she was feeling good about how she kept the house from falling into chaos while he was gone.

She started out by reading through her emails, but as she started to feel more stress surrounding her responsibilities both in her family and at work, loneliness and anxiety hit.  Before she knew it, she had clicked over to a few porn websites.  Four hours passed flipping through these websites in the blink of the eye before Jane fell exhausted into bed to get a few hours of sleep before the kids woke up.

When her alarm clock startled her awake in just a few short hours, feelings of dread and shame washed over her.

Why does this have such a hold on me?   I shouldn’t want this so much.  I wish I could just stop.

This chorus of internal voices is often a familiar friend to the addict.  The pull of a behavior that can’t be stopped.  The helplessness that comes with another slip or relapse.  The discrediting of victory that occurs when temptation hits once again.

These voices cut at the core of the identity of the female sex and love addict.  They can rip at her self-esteem until the only relief she can find comes in the form of acting out in her addiction again, which can provide a fleeting sense of affirmation and comfort.

But that isn’t the end of the story.

Each of these beliefs that echoes so strongly in the mind of an addict has a contrasting reality that provides an antidote to the pain associated with the negative thoughts.  In the midst of the struggle, these truths are often clouded out by shame and feel impossible to believe.  My hope is that, by reminding you of these realities, they would begin to grow louder than those critical and shaming words in your mind.

If this is an issue you struggle with, do you connect with these voices?  Do the following words sound familiar to you at all?

“This is a man’s issue.”

Media portrayals and common conversation indicate that men primarily view pornography or struggle with sex addiction.  However, research has shown that 1 in 3 visitors to porn websites is female, and that number is likely on the rise.  This dispels the myth that you are the only woman who struggles with this, and in fact, you likely know other women who share this secret struggle.

The reality: Men and women both struggle with this issue.

“I’m dirty.  I must be a [choose your own derogatory term].” 

It is a common cultural message that men are celebrated for their many sexual conquests, while women are shamed for similar sexual behavior.  This has led to a tightening of morality on women in many ways.  While that cultural message is in the process of changing, it can still be stigmatizing for a woman to admit her sexual desire.  The reality is, a woman needs to embrace her own sexuality and sexual desire as part of healing from addiction.

The reality: Sexual desire is a good and healthy response – it is what we do with desire that can derail us.

“There is something wrong with me.” 

Belief in a fundamental flaw is a common thought that occurs for women.  Combining the two lies mentioned above, the female addict can believe that there is something wrong with her for having a desire to engage in sexual behaviors.  Further stigma can come from the supposed lack of self-discipline that makes it feel difficult to stop.  Overgeneralizations and stereotypes abound that feed the flame of self-condemnation.

The reality: I am not defective.  There is no fundamental flaw in me that has caused this addiction.

“It is impossible to stop.  I’ll never be free from this addiction.” 

It is a common behavior for addicts to try their hardest to stop their behavior several times to no avail.  One basis for this difficulty is neurochemical changes that have occurred in the brain that create a sort of superhighway for your brain to travel down when triggered by your addiction.  However, those neurochemical changes don’t have to be permanent – the brain can change with deep, focused work.  Doing the work of recovery from addiction provides that deep focus that can rewire the brain to experience freedom.

The reality: This doesn’t have to last forever.  The brain wiring of addiction can be changed with focused recovery work.

“I am alone.”

This is the most insidious lie of all.  Addiction can be extremely isolating – it is an intimacy disorder after all.  All the previous lies can create a feeling for addicts that they must hide themselves, masking their struggles and pain, letting no one know of their struggles.  But this creates a cycle where addicts feel increasingly isolated because they aren’t able to connect with others who share their experience.  Reaching out to a recovery group or a trusted friend gives you a place to go with your pain.

If you’re reading this and you struggle with sex and love addiction, this is the reality I want you to hear loud and clear:

You are not alone.

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong (According to Johann Hari)

What is the first thing that comes into your mind when you hear the word addict?

“Why can’t they just stop?  All addicts are a lost cause.  Rehab doesn’t help.  They don’t take responsibility for themselves.  Anything I do to help them just enables them to keep going back to their addiction.”

Let’s take that a step further – what about a sex and love addict?

“There must be something wrong with them.  They’re a danger to my children.  They’re dirty, perverted, immoral, disgusting, or (fill-in-the-blank with the derogatory term of your choice).”

When we look at these cruel stereotypes, the conclusion made by many is to avoid those who struggle with addiction, or heap shame on them for their behaviors.  Even worse, if you are an addict, you may believe these words to be true of yourself, which can add fuel to the fire of loneliness and shame that feeds the addictive cycle.

Here’s the problem with these beliefs: in many ways, they only cause the individual who struggles with addiction to withdraw and become more isolated from resources that can help.

In the Ted Talk below, Johann Hari speaks about research that turns our view of addiction upside down.  He connects the human need to connect as a motivating factor both in addiction and in recovery and treatment.  He states:

“Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond. When we’re happy and healthy, we bond and connect with each other. But if you can’t do that because you’re traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief.”

Sex and love addiction works in much the same way.  Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the field of sex and love addiction, categorizes addiction as an intimacy disorder.  In effect, sex and love addiction is both caused by and perpetuates experiences of isolation, loneliness, and poor experiences in relationships.  The addiction itself creates more isolation, and shaming words or beliefs about the addict can make freedom or recovery feel impossible.

“A core part of addiction…is not being able to bear to be present in your own life.”

Whether you struggle with addiction yourself, or you know someone else who does, take some time to watch the video below and hear more about how we might approach treating addiction differently.

“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety.  The opposite of addiction is connection.”