Making Offers and Requests: Key Components of Rebuilding Trust after Sexual Betrayal

After the discovery of sex and love addiction in a relationship, the addicted partner often initially responds with promises to change their behavior.  This comes as a direct result of seeing the impact of the discovery on their betrayed partner: anger, grief, hurt and fear.

However, as time goes on, these promises can ring hollow. They came out of the addict having to face the consequences of their behavior in a crisis moment.  For the couple recovering from addiction, you might find that over time, the addict’s promises begin to fade and lose their urgency or importance.  For the partner that is rebuilding trust, this feels like a second wave of betrayal. 

Betrayed partners can respond in a few different ways to this discovery of addiction.  Some partners make threats to leave or divorce their spouse in the heat of the moment, disgusted and shocked by the betrayal.  Some avoid reminders of the addict’s behavior, coping by hiding from the painful emotions that arise when facing the addiction.  Others become hypervigilant, seeking information about their partner’s addiction in ways that border on obsessive.  Some partners become suspicious of the addict’s whereabouts and activities, trying to control their behaviors with demands.

Across the board, though, most betrayed partners are faced with uncertainty about how to move forward in their relationship or marriage.  They want to see changes in their addicted partner, and they want that change to be genuine and lasting, but they aren’t sure they can trust their partner’s words or actions.

This is where the language of offers and requests can come in handy when beginning to talk about rebuilding trust in the relationship. 

Offers

“Offers” are commitments to change specific behaviors done by the addicted partner and/or the betrayed partner as a way of rebuilding trust and honoring the relationship.  While offers may be informed by your partner or spouse’s desires, they are a way for each partner in the couple to take personal responsibility for their own actions.

Examples of offers include:

• I will attend individual and group therapy on a weekly basis specific to my sex and love addiction recovery.

• I will build accountability and support relationships through my 12 Step group, therapy group, or other supportive relationships.

• I will regularly identify and communicate my emotions to you in a way that is consistent with our work in couples therapy.

Guidelines for Offers

Ask for help.

If you’re having a hard time coming up with ideas on what to offer, ask your partner what he or she needs from you in the trust-rebuilding process.  You can also ask a therapist, sponsor, or supportive recovery friend, but the person who has the best sense of what they truly need is your partner. 

Take responsibility.

Look internally at your own role in creating problems in your relationship.  What are some of the ways you have failed to take responsibility for your own actions?  What would taking responsibility for them look like now?  Be willing to acknowledge your own wrongdoing and reasons trust might be broken in the relationship due to your actions or choices. 

Make them specific.

The more specific the offer, the more easily your partner can see that you are carrying it out, and the less likely they are to be disappointed.  Instead of saying, “I’ll go to therapy,” specify, “I’ll go to weekly individual therapy sessions with a therapist specializing in sex and love addiction treatment.”

Set a deadline.

If there are tasks that need to be completed in the trust-rebuilding process, set a certain date by which you plan to have those tasks done.  For example, if you offer to find a sponsor in your 12 Step fellowship, indicate a date by which you plan to have that sponsor (“I’ll ask someone to be my sponsor by the end of this month.”) 

What NOT to Offer

Instead of specific statements of intention, addicted partners often make more global, sweeping claims like, “I’ll do anything you want me to do,” or “I’ll do whatever it takes to save our relationship/marriage.”  A broad statement like this can be interpreted in many different ways, and often the variance in interpretation creates expectations and disappointment when there isn’t follow-through on those promises.  These statements are also often untrue: once the initial shock of discovery wears off, you may find that you aren’t willing to do everything your partner requests and would like to have room to negotiate or create compromise. 

Also, avoid using these offers as a bargaining chip, saying, “I’ll offer this if you’ll offer that.”  Offers are not meant to be a tool to manipulate or force the hand of your partner.  This sets up a distorted power dynamic that can lead to bitterness and resentment.  Any offer you make needs to be one that you are willing to carry out regardless of your partner’s response.

Requests

“Requests” are desires or wants for the recovery process that the betrayed partner and/or the addicted partner communicate to one another.  They differ from demands because there is room for discussion, negotiation, or refusal of the requests.  As partners can respond to requests in a variety of ways (yes, no, or negotiation), the partner who is making the request must be open to the possibility of receiving a response they don’t expect or that challenges their request. 

An important note here: requests are different from non-negotiable boundaries.  Non-negotiable boundaries are around behaviors that, if the addicted partner carried them out, would lead you to end the relationship.  Vicki Tidwell Palmer specifies the difference between non-negotiable boundaries and requests in an article that may help to clarify the difference for yourself. 

Examples of requests include:

• I would like to request that we pursue couples therapy together.  Are you willing to do so?

• I would like to request that we have a weekly date night where we can begin to connect on topics unrelated to addiction recovery.  Are you willing to plan those date nights?

• I would like to request that we have an age-appropriate conversation with our children about our addiction recovery.  Are you willing to have a conversation with me and our therapist planning that discussion?

Guidelines for Requests

Identify what helps you gain trust.

What would help you regain trust in the relationship?  Are there any recovery-related behaviors to which you’d like to see your partner commit?  Using a resource like Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s book Moving Beyond Betrayal can help you clarify your needs and identify what you want to request.  Talk to your therapist or other support individuals, as they may provide other resources to help you discern what you’re wanting from your partner.

Prepare for “no” and negotiation.

When you make a request, it is important to remember that your spouse has the right to say “no” or to ask for a compromise.  Prepare for how you might feel with each possible response.  Decide for yourself how important these wants or needs are for you and identify alternative options you’re willing to discuss as well as self-care behaviors you may need to use if your partner is unwilling to carry out one of your requests.

Keep a written record of agreements.

When you have conversations in which you make requests, write down any agreement you come to, whether it is a “yes” to your request or a compromise the two of you have arrived at together.  Having this written record will serve a few purposes.  It will help you look back periodically to review your progress together as a couple.  It can highlight changes that have happened to encourage trust.  It can also bring you back into alignment if you’ve gotten off track from the agreements you’ve made.

Take caution: this record of agreements isn’t meant to be a weapon to wave in front of your partner’s face when they aren’t complying.  If you do have a written list and things are out of alignment, approach a conversation about it with curiosity and patience rather than demands or anger.  If you worry that you won’t be able to maintain that openness, consider having this discussion together with your couples therapist in a therapy session. 

What NOT to Do

It is easy to slip away from the concept of requests into demands or ultimatums.  Demands do not allow your partner to make a choice about their behavior.  Ultimatums are often an attempt to control or manipulate your partner.  Using demands and ultimatums sets up a distorted power dynamic in which you are like the parent and your partner is like a child.  In order to be two adults on equal footing in a relationship, there needs to be balance in the power dynamic. 

Refrain from making requests that are meant to punish or chastise your partner.  Similar to demands or ultimatums, trying to punish your partner creates an unhealthy, imbalanced power dynamic. A good measure for making requests is identifying what your personal needs are and how your partner can support you in meeting those needs.  You should never be in a position where you are responsible for your partner’s recovery or change: the only person you can be responsible for is yourself.

The Balance of Offers and Requests

Typically, the addicted partner will need to make more “offers” while the betrayed partner makes more “requests” early on in the recovery process.  However, it is good practice to spend time with the reversal.  Betrayed partners, look for offers you can make to work on your own healing or address your responsibility in conflicts or issues in the relationship.  Addicted partners, consider requests you can make to help you support your partner more effectively and rebuild trust with greater ease.

Having an Offers and Requests Discussion

When you decide as a couple to present your offers and requests to your spouse for the first time, it is best to do in the context of a couples therapy session.  Each partners should create lists of both requests and offers, regardless of if you are the addicted partner or the betrayed partner.

As you sit down and walk through your lists together, be open to compromise and willing to talk through potential alternatives so that you can come to an agreement.  Resist the tendency to become defensive and instead try to have empathy for your partner’s perspective.  Use the phrase “help me understand” when you’re having trouble empathizing, then repeat back what you heard to be sure you’re understanding correctly.  Using conversation frameworks from John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, such as Dreams Within Conflict and the Art of Compromise, to aid you in this discussion.

Personal Strides in Partner Recovery: The Importance of Participating in Your Own Healing Work

If you are a partner of a sex and love addict, chances are you responded to the discovery of your significant other’s addiction with a mix of emotions: anger, fear, hurt, grief, rage, sadness, loneliness.  These emotions often come out of nowhere and blindside you.  You then have to deal with triggers that arise unexpectedly and bring surges of these intense emotions back.  You’re constantly revising history with the new information about the addiction at the forefront.

Just like anyone who has suffered an unexpected and devastating trauma, recovery from the revelation of a significant other’s sex and love addiction can be challenging and take time and a lot of work.  But one place that I see partners get stuck is with their eyes on the addict rather than their eyes on their own healing.

Where You Get Stuck

Immediately following discovery, your pain can serve as part of the push that generates enough discomfort for the addict to get into treatment and turn their life around.  This is often a good thing!  But not every addict responds in this way.  Sometimes the addict refuses help or seems half-hearted in their attempts to achieve sobriety.

In these situations, you might respond by focusing on the addict’s recovery: what he’s doing or not doing, how he is changing or growing in empathy, or a lack of change.  Being aware of these changes (or lack thereof) isn’t all bad.  It becomes a problem, however, when it’s all you think about.  When how well you are doing depends on the addict’s progress, that can lead to a tug-of-war in your relationship as you attempt to gain control over the impact of his addiction and his approach to recovery.

In attempting to take control of the addict’s recovery, you are trying to control your significant other’s choices, thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  But these areas aren’t something you have power over: their choice and responsibility belongs to them.  Attempts at control might include threats, manipulation, passive-aggressive comments, or constant criticism.

This response makes sense in light of powerlessness and fear that come with betrayal trauma.  But over time, you’ll see that it leaves you feeling hopeless, trapped, angry, and restless. 

What Could Be Beneath

Often, when partners shift into fix-it mode or any of these attempts to control their spouse’s recovery, it hints that they might be avoiding more painful emotions or uncomfortable realities they are now forced to face.  These might include the process of grief associated with finding out the person you married wasn’t who you thought they were.  It could involve insecurity about yourself, reminders of past experiences of trauma with an addicted family member, or re-organizing your concept of safety because of the addict’s deception.  You might be battling feelings of shame that prevent you from being able to share about your experience with others.

When you shift your gaze to your own healing work, you can finally experience the relief and freedom from chaos for which you’ve been longing.  You can move toward facing the reality of your current circumstance and taking decisive action to heal and become empowered. 

Practical Ways to Focus on Your Healing

Practice acceptance and commitment.

When I hear the Serenity Prayer, I think of the balance of acceptance and commitment: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  For you as a healing partner, this requires acceptance or recognition of the reality that your addicted partner is dealing with a legitimate addiction that has caused legitimate trauma, pain, and harm to you and others.  Courage and commitment come when you make empowered choices and recognize the control you have over your own life, response, and healing.

An important note: acceptance does not mean pretending that everything is okay and that you aren’t hurting.  That is denial, not acceptance.  Acceptance instead means recognizing that what has happened has actually happened and that it cannot be changed by wishing it were different.

The Karpman drama triangle can help us recognize reality.  When we look at the dance of the roles of victim-perpetrator-rescuer, we can identify where we’ve been swept up into the drama of addiction.  Recognize the drama you tend toward and learn ways to step outside the drama by identifying your own responsibility and making choices that reflect that.

Gear up with self-care.

Going through the trauma of the discovery of sex and love addiction is like getting in a car accident: you sustain injuries, some of which are plain to the eye, and some of which are invisible.  You need to take time and space to heal physical injuries by taking care of yourself: doing physical therapy, having regular doctor’s visits, eating and sleeping to recover, and resting your body.  Similarly, recovering from the wound of a betrayal requires you to take time and space to heal. 

Vicki Tidwell Palmer suggests focusing on the acronym PIES for self-care: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual self-care.  How can you care for yourself in each of these ways?

Much of this self-care is best in the context of a community of support.  Find support for yourself through a 12 Step fellowship, support group, or a trusted group of friends who you know are safe.  Safe people are people who can handle hearing about what you’ve been going through without siding too strongly with you or with the addict.  They give you space to process and make your own decisions.  Support also comes through professional help with a therapist specialized in working with partners of sex and love addicts.

Learn and set your boundaries.

Boundaries are an important part of recovery from betrayal.  Saying no to continuing to tolerate behaviors that are intolerable while also taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, choices, and attitudes are important pieces of recognizing your limits.  Setting boundaries can involve making requests of your spouse to change a behavior, but it is ultimately your responsibility to care for yourself regardless of their willingness to change.

The purpose of boundaries is to care for yourself, not to punish the addict.  These are not consequences you’re enforcing, like a parent with a child.  Instead, you are adapting your own behavior to respond to your partner’s behaviors  in a way that best cares for you.  One way to conceptualize this difference is to ask yourself: if my spouse never changes, how might I take care of myself?  You can make requests for him or her to change, but ultimately you are responsible for your own well-being and healing.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries in the early days post-discovery often become empty threats.  Threats to file for divorce or leave often get tossed around in the initial impact of the trauma, but usually they aren’t followed through upon.  Instead, define for yourself what your true deal-breakers are: what behaviors, if continued, would lead inevitably to needing to leave the relationship?  If we don’t know the answer to this question, every mistake or misbehavior gets categorized as non-negotiable.  However, if you’re not willing to leave when that behavior occurs, it’s not truly a non-negotiable.  As mentioned earlier, a trained counselor can help you through this process.

Get in touch with your emotions.

Emotional awareness is an important component of betrayal trauma recovery.  Your emotions provide a window to past experiences and clarify pain that needs care.  Emotions also connect to physical symptoms that may be frightening, like panic attacks, heart palpitations, pain with unknown origin, or decreased immunity.  (Note: if you have any of these symptoms, be sure to get checked by your primary care physician to rule out any other causes.)

While there are similarities to the symptoms of trauma, every betrayed partner has a unique, personal experience with discovering their significant other’s addiction.  This is heavily influenced by your unique upbringing with varied levels of trauma or pain.  Recognizing how the emotions that are arising now connect to themes of past experiences can help you heal from past wounds and identify what your needs are in the present.  As you become aware of your personal emotional reaction, you might also recognize what you might be avoiding by focusing on your partner’s recovery rather than your own healing.

Recognize distorted thought patterns.

Begin to recognize the common thought patterns that either allowed you to stick your head in the sand and avoid seeing the addiction, or that are chipping away at your confidence and ability to be empowered. Common distorted or unhelpful belief patterns involved in betrayal trauma recovery include such thoughts as:

• The addiction is my fault.  I wasn’t a good enough partner.

• I don’t deserve any better due to my shameful past.

• If only I had done ________ differently, this wouldn’t have happened.

• Other people don’t have to deal with this: I wish I could be like them.

• It isn’t the addict’s fault. It’s the fault of the pornography industry/affair partner/addict’s work environment.

• I can’t make it on my own.  I can’t survive without my spouse.

Do any of these phrases or other similar thoughts run through your mind?  Identifying which thoughts come up most often for you and dismantling them to uncover the truth is an essential part of your recovery journey.

Identify your particular tone of trauma.

In the same way that your emotional landscape is influenced by past experiences in your family-of-origin or other areas, the way in which trauma manifests often carries echoes of the past.  What trauma symptoms do you most identify with?  Do you feel trauma physically?  Emotionally?  Spiritually?  How might this be similar to what you’ve experienced with past trauma or with your family growing up?

If you recognize a history of past trauma that pre-dated the discovery of the addiction, it wouldn’t be surprising to have reminders of that past trauma resurface post-discovery.  Methods such as EMDR can help you process and heal those experiences such that you’re not carrying the pain from those into the challenging work of betrayal trauma recovery.

Coping with Loneliness

It’s safe to say that we’ve all experienced loneliness at some point or another in our lives.  A gnawing sense in your stomach.  A sadness that sets over you that seems to come out of nowhere.  A desire to be around other people, to talk to them about what you’re feeling or thinking.

Loneliness comes from a legitimate desire to be loved, seen, and known by others.  Since the days of our infancy, where we were dependent on parents or caregivers for connection, we’ve known we needed people.

Why might you be feeling lonely?

Depression and/or Anxiety

Isolation is a common symptom of depression.  Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness can lead you to retreat within yourself and avoid social contact.  Anxiety can also prevent you from feeling connected to people.  You might have social anxiety that arises in situations when you’re with others.  Or you may be unable to maintain connection with others due to distraction by your worries. 

Both of these experiences may feel unique to you.  You might think, “does anyone else feel or think this way?”  Negative self-talk and beliefs that drive depression and anxiety (ie. “I’m a loser.”  “I’m alone.”  “No one could love me.”) perpetuate these feelings of loneliness.

Addiction Recovery

If you’re in recovery from an addiction, particularly sexual addiction, you might be dealing with loneliness as well.  Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, meaning that it substitutes false intimacy through sexual acting out in place of true intimacy.  Often loneliness drives the addictive behaviors. 

But while removing those areas of false intimacy in the process of recovery, an addict might also be experiencing the natural consequence of separation from loved ones or family members who have been impacted by the addict’s behaviors.  This can lead to intense feelings of loneliness, as the addiction is no longer present as a way to escape or self-medicate.

Partner Betrayal Trauma

Or perhaps you’re on the other side of the coin, where you’ve seen your spouse succumb to sexual addiction and you’ve been blindsided by the pain and hurt they’ve inflicted.  The person you once felt closest to has now become untrustworthy.

Further still, the pain of betrayal associated with sexual addiction is often a secret shame.  Whether out of protection for your spouse or out of fear of being judged by others, you might avoid telling others about what you’re experiencing.  This inevitably leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness as you don’t know where to turn for support. 

General Isolation

There are plenty of other reasons you might feel lonely.  A new move across the country to a city you’ve never lived in, difficulty finding people with mutual interests, hurt or betrayal from past relationships: all can make you reluctant to open up to others.

Whatever the reason, loneliness can be crippling and painful, and it’s hard to know how best to cope with it.

How to Find Your People

While this may not always be an easy option, the most straightforward way to move past loneliness is to find your people.  Here are a few places to start.

Existing Relationships

Identify a safe person you already know with whom you can talk: someone who can empathize with what you’re going through and offer support (Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is great resource for exploring this.) Ask these friends if they would be willing to offer you support on a regular basis.  Lead with vulnerability in those interactions, sharing about what’s really going on in your life, as vulnerability invites connection.  And be someone who offers support to others as well.  when they’re having a rough time, listen to them and validate their experience, offering care in the same way you’ve received it from them. 

Groups

Support groups are an easy way for you to find others who are dealing with similar issues related to depression, anxiety, or addiction recovery.  You can find this support through 12 Step meetings, church-based support, or therapy groups.  You might also benefit from finding a local meetup or group based on a special interest or hobby.  Volunteering is another great way to meet people in your area, along with providing other mental health benefits by focusing on the needs of others.

Coping with Loneliness in the Moment

If your feelings of loneliness happens often and cause a lot of distress, this hints that there is more to the story.  What if you feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people?  Does loneliness feel intolerable to you when you’re in the midst of it?  Do you do whatever it takes to escape loneliness, even if “what it takes” is destructive to you or your family?

When you feel lonely, get curious.

Ask yourself why.  Where’s this loneliness coming from?  Check in with your emotions and thought patterns.  Identify what physical sensations are associated with that loneliness.  Understanding what might have triggered the feelings of loneliness or what might be contributing to them can help you decide how to move forward. 

Explore what loneliness felt like as a kid and how you coped (or didn’t) with it then.

When you’ve explored what loneliness feels like in your body and emotions, allow your mind to go back to others other experiences where you’ve felt similarly.  You might have memories from childhood or teenage years, or they may be more recent.  Ask yourself: how did I cope with loneliness back then?  What did I do with it, good or bad?  Was I ever taught to deal with loneliness by parents or caregivers?  Are there betrayals or wounds from relationships where I felt a similar sense of loneliness?

Ask yourself what you needed.

In those memories, allow yourself to connect back to that earlier version of yourself and ask: what did I need back then?  Maybe it was a friend to sit with you in your loneliness.  Maybe it was an understanding parent.  Maybe you needed to learn fun or healthy ways to take your mind off the loneliness until you were able to be with people again.

Validate your own loneliness.

After going through this exercise, does it make sense why you might feel lonely now?  What connections can you make to the present moment?  Do you have compassion or empathy from the younger version of yourself?  If you can identify and validate your loneliness, you’re less likely to be afraid of it.  It changes from a monster to something more manageable. 

Get to know yourself better.

When you’re lonely without an easy way out, see it as an opportunity to spend some time with yourself.  Explore your hobbies.  Journal.  Learn more about who you are.  If it feels difficult to spend time with yourself, or if you feel avoidance or shame around getting to know yourself, that might hint at some deeper issues associated with identity that may be worth exploring further in one-on-one counseling.

Questions to Ask Yourself When You Get Triggered

To anyone observing you from the outside, it would look like any other Wednesday night.  You’re sitting at home, watching TV and occasionally checking your phone.  But internally, you’re a mess.  You can barely focus on the distraction of the television.  Your hand shakes as you check your phone once more, seeing no text or call from your husband, despite it being over an hour later than he said he would arrive home.  Your heart is pounding and adrenaline is rushing through your veins.  Your mind feels like it’s on a constant loop: “He’s acting out again.  He’s lying to me.  Who is he seeing behind my back this time?”

Finally, the sound of the garage door seems to echo through the house as you hear your husband pull in.  He’s barely opened the door to the house when you explode.  Anger, fear, and hurt mingle and spill out as you raise your voice in accusation, sure that he’s been with his affair partner again.  You threaten to leave him, question why he couldn’t contact you, and finally end in tears as you storm off to the guest bedroom to spend the night.

What it means to be triggered or “activated”

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?  Maybe you haven’t experienced reactions this extreme before, but you’ve felt strong emotion rise up in you that seems to come out of nowhere, and you can’t figure out how to cope with it.  In common language, you’ve likely experienced a trigger.

Now, I know that the word “triggered” can be, well…triggering. In some ways, it’s become a political term laced with additional meanings such that many don’t like using that word.  It can also be associated with an addiction: being “triggered” to act out.  In that respect, I’d like to borrow from Vicki Tidwell Palmer in how she approaches this experience: replacing the word “triggered” with “activated.”

How do I know I’m activated?

When you’re feeling activated, you’re usually having a strong emotional reaction that seems disproportionate in relationship to what has caused it.  It can come with intense feelings of anger.  You experience physical symptoms of anxiety or stress.  Your fight or flight response kicks in as your adrenaline levels rise.  You may even have flashbacks to previous memories, a hallmark symptom of trauma.

Questions to ask yourself

When you notice this shift in your experience and symptoms of trauma arising, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help make sense of what’s happening and create a plan for your self-care in the here-and-now and in future situations.  It might be helpful to pull out a pen and paper or a journal and write out your answers to these questions.

What is going on in my body?

Trauma is held in the body.  When you are feeling activated in response to a reminder of past trauma, you’re likely to feel that in your body.

Bring awareness to your body and notice what sensations you’re feeling.  Do you feel warmth or cold?  If so, where?  Any tightness or tension?  Any pain?  Is that sensation located in one part of your body, or spread throughout?  Do you notice any change in your posture or stance?

What emotion am I feeling?

Emotions are felt physically, which is why identifying your physical sensations first will help you connect what you’re feeling physically to what you’re feeling emotionally.  Pull out a feelings chart or other resource to help you put words to what emotion or emotions you’re experiencing. 

As mentioned earlier, anger is a common immediate emotional reaction.  While anger can be a primary emotion, often it serves as a secondary emotion covering over feelings of hurt, anger, anxiety, stress, or loneliness.  If you notice anger, ask yourself: is there another emotion driving this anger?  Even asking this question can be challenging.  Anger covers those other emotions because they are vulnerable, and anger is a way to power up and protect yourself rather than accessing the pain associated with the primary emotion.

What happened?

Now it’s time to review what actually happened.  In some cases, you aren’t aware of what specific event led to feeling activated.  If this is true, you’ll need to trace back to the first moment you felt this way and review what was going on at the time.  If you are aware of a certain interaction or event that precipitated the activation, start there.

Write out the events leading up to becoming activated as if you’re describing a scene from a movie.  What did you observe with your five senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste?  Who was involved?  What were the exact words said (as much as you can approximate)?

How did I interpret what happened?

Have you ever seen an image of Rubin’s vase?  Depending on your perspective, you’ll see a different picture.  If you’re looking at the white portion of the image, you’ll see a vase.  If you focus on the black side, you’ll see two faces in profile.

The same is true of events that cause this activating response.  Your thoughts and interpretations about the events are going to be influenced by your perspective and unique experience.  I appreciate phrasing this question as “what did I make up about this?” As coined by Pia Mellody, this question helps identify that what you observed and what you think about it aren’t the same thing.

Has a boundary been crossed?

Anger in response to activation can be an indicator that a boundary line has been crossed.  That boundary line might be crossed by the other person, or it can be crossed by you.

Let me explain what I mean.  It’s easy to see when a boundary line is crossed by someone else.  You’ve made an agreement or said no, but it isn’t respected.  If that’s the case, identify where the boundary line has been crossed and communicate that boundary directly.  Clarify what you will do in response if that boundary line is crossed again to take care of yourself.  In some cases, you may not need to say this directly at all – you may simply need to change how you respond in the future.

On the other hand, you might be crossing a boundary line on your own.  Each individuals’ thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs are his or her own responsibility.  If I am trying to take responsibility for controlling or changing someone else’s thoughts, emotions, actions and beliefs, then I am crossing a boundary line.  Or vice versa: if I am blaming someone else for how I am thinking, feeling, or behaving, that’s a boundary violation. I’m shifting the blame to them as opposed to taking responsibility for my own reaction.  In this case, the next step is to redirect your attention to something you can control: in this case, your own thoughts, emotions, actions, and beliefs.

What do I need?

Reflect on what you wish would have happened in this situation instead.  Connect to the previous traumatic experiences you’ve had where you’ve felt similarly (even as far back as childhood) and identify what needs you had then that weren’t met.  Do you need a stronger boundary?  Do you need to practice self-care?  Do you need to make a request or another individual involved for clarification or support?

Once you’ve figured out these needs, identify how you can meet that need through what you can control.  You aren’t able to force another person to do what you want them to do, but you can request help or support from a spouse or friends.  You can change your own behavior to meet needs in healthy ways.

How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?

Usually the experience of getting activated is enough to send you into a tailspin.  At this point, you might need to do some damage control self-care to calm your emotions and enter back into your window of tolerance.

Note that, when I’m talking self-care, I’m not referring to the type of “self-care” as ladies night with wine and binge-eating chocolate.  I mean actually taking care of your needs in a healthy way, even if it challenges you to do something you don’t feel like doing.  For example, if you realize part of what led to you being activated was being hungry and having low blood sugar, self-care involves eating something nourishing and nutritious to help balance that out.  When I’ve been sitting around all day, I know I’m more likely to be irritable.  Taking action to go outside for a walk or complete a productive task is self-care in this situation, as it shifts my mood.

An Example

Let’s take the scenario at the top of this article and apply these questions to see what we learn.

• What is going on in your body?  You feel heat in your cheeks and adrenaline coursing through your veins.  Your stomach and chest feel tight.  Your muscles feel tense.

• What emotion are you feeling?  Anger, fear, hurt

• What happened?  My husband communicated he would arrive home at 6pm but he did not arrive back until 7:30pm.  When he came in the door, he apologized for his lateness and explained that the flight had been delayed and he was unable to contact me to tell me.

• How did I interpret what happened? At about 6:20, I started to panic.  The story I made up was that he stopped by the strip club or one of his former affair partners’ homes on the way back from the airport and that was why he was late.

• Has a boundary been crossed?  We earlier agreed that if there were any change in travel plans, he would communicate those to me.  He could have sent a text or email to let me know it was delayed.  At the same time, I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions, and my reaction in our argument crossed a boundary line.

• What do I need? From him, I need commitment to clear communication about his travel plans.  From myself, I need grounding in the present and regulation of my emotions so I can see what’s true.

• How can I practice self-care in response to feeling activated?  I can ask directly for my spouse to re-commit to the boundary that we originally set.  I can call a friend and process my emotions with her.  I can spend time journaling or praying to practice emotional self-care.

Stopping the Cycle of Emotional Harm in Your Marriage: A Review of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick

What does it mean to be in an emotionally destructive marriage?  Have you felt coerced into doing things you don’t want to do?  Do you hear name-calling or contemptuous criticism when your spouse doesn’t like your choices?  Do your spouse’s words lead you to feel horrible about yourself?

These are common symptoms of emotional abuse or harm.  Others include a crippling sense of self-doubt based on your spouse’s criticism and feeling terrified of his or her rages.  Gaslighting is common: when you attempt to directly address an issue with your spouse, you consistently leave the conversation feeling as though it was all your fault.

Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage gives a message of relief to women who experience their husband’s emotional and verbal abuse but feel trapped and unable to change anything about it.  In this book, Vernick outlines the characteristics of an emotionally destructive marriage and explores what that type of abuse feels and looks like.  She also shatters the myths of distorted Christian teachings that cause women to doubt their experience based on overly simplistic views of women’s roles.

Since this book comes from an explicitly Christian perspective, including prayers at the end of each chapter and a focus on Biblical truths, it may initially alienate someone who doesn’t have the same faith background.  Regardless, I believe the practical tools and helpful insight she provides can be beneficial for any woman who is concerned about the state of her marriage.

Helpful Insights from This Book

An Understanding of Emotionally Destructive Marriages

Early on in the book, Vernick describes emotionally destructive marriages and gives assessments to help you identify the difference between an abusive relationship and an unsatisfying relationship.  This distinction between dissatisfaction in marriage and being the recipient of emotional abuse or manipulation can be validating to women who have been told they are simply unhappy in their marriages and they need to change their own perspective.

A Shift in Perspective on Biblical Submission

Unfortunately, many Christian women have been taught messages about the role of submission to their husbands without a full understanding of what this word means and what it requires of the husband.  Submission is not blindly going along with whatever the husband wants, particularly when the husband is asking the wife to do something she knows is wrong or will be harmful to herself or others. Looking at the way Jesus led others, it is clear that leadership means serving and looking out for the needs of those you lead more so than your own needs.  Submission cannot be forced or demanded, and it is not meant to be a power play of cruelty.  If you experience “submission” as a weapon in your marriage, you are likely in an emotionally destructive marriage.

Validation of a Woman’s Choice

Vernick allows her readers to make a choice about the future of their marriage: whether they want to stay together, separate, or divorce.  She doesn’t dictate what that choice should be: instead, she encourages women that whatever they choose to do, they do it “well.”  Recognizing that each situation is different and there is no one solution for everyone, she gives practical help for whichever option you choose.  She warns against people who claim simple solutions for such a complex issue, reinforcing that what is right for one woman and marriage may not be right for another.

If you are in an emotionally destructive marriage, you likely are not given opportunities to make your own decisions.  You are told what to do by your spouse and haven’t had much space to explore what you truly want.  Often gaslighting contributes to this, as emotional manipulation can lead you to believe your desires are different from what they truly are. She encourages you to get in touch with your own desires as part of this discerning process.

Practical Tools and Next Steps

At the end of each chapter in the book, Vernick gives specific action steps to help you explore changes you can make to move out of feeling stuck in your marriage.  At several points through the book, she refers the reader to her website for resources to download that help you begin to set boundaries in your marriage.  She has video resources available for both spouses to understand the dynamics of the emotionally destructive marriage. 

Challenges Toward Growth

Vernick knows her audience: the wife in the emotionally destructive relationship is probably the one reading this book, not the husband.  She also knows that many of these women want to change their spouse, but they have little to no control over that change.  Instead, she challenges women to do their own work: becoming more confident and supported so that they can take steps toward healing.  At one point she discusses her intentional decision to refrain from talking about reasons for husbands to become emotionally abusive: to her, it doesn’t matter how it happened, but instead that it is happening, and the wife needs to respond to protect herself and her family.

For Partners of Sex and Love Addicts

When I’m working with partners of sex and love addicts, I see the devastation that trauma causes and how it can limit a woman’s sense of personal power. It is important to allow the husband to carry the blame for stepping out on the marriage. And it is incredibly important for your own healing to recognize how these actions have affected you and how you may be responding negatively in your own way as a result.  Taking ownership over your own response can help you regain a personal sense of power.  Acknowledge the reality of the trauma you’re experiencing, but also acknowledge steps you can take to regain control over your own choices and life.

Practicing Self-Care

Healing from the trauma of an emotionally abusive marriage requires taking care of yourself and processing your own past hurt that may be contributing to your response.  Practice self-care by getting in touch with your own needs, which probably have been hidden because you’ve been focused on appeasing your spouse.  Find support through trusted friends, therapy, and support groups: you cannot do this alone.  Learn to communicate boundaries with your spouse and say “no” when you feel uncomfortable.  The best way to do this work is to get into your own therapy to explore how your actions has been affected by your upbringing and past trauma such that you respond in the unique, particular way you do.

How to Communicate with an Emotionally Destructive Spouse

There often comes a time where direct communication needs to happen with your spouse in order to open the door for change.  Vernick suggest templates for how to talk about what you’re willing and not willing to tolerate, emphasizing the need for follow-through on what you commit to do in response to his intolerable behaviors.  She reminds you not to get sucked in to the emotional abuse or manipulation, remaining calm as a way of avoiding destructive dynamics from the past.  She encourages keeping yourself safe as the highest priority, suggesting this confrontation happen in public and with support individuals nearby.  These practical tips help this process feel more manageable.

If you are wondering if you might be in an emotionally abusive or destructive marriage, pick up this book and give it a read.  Do the assessments and follow the action plans.  Learn to communicate clearly and directly with the specific and practical steps Vernick offers.  Open yourself up to explore your own history and how it might be influencing your spouse to your spouse.  My hope is that this will give you the courage you need to take a stand and take up space in your marriage.

How to Respond When Setting Boundaries Doesn't Work (Boundaries Series Part 2 of 2)

You’ve recognized your need for change.  You’ve established a boundary and communicated it to the other person.  You may have included a “cause-and-effect” style consequence.  But nothing’s changing.  What’s wrong?

Unfortunately, boundaries aren’t always as straightforward as they seem.  You can run in to several different roadblocks that interfere with effectively setting boundaries.  Here are a few thoughts to consider as you explore why your boundary-setting may not have worked as well as you expected.

Use the broken record method when communicating boundaries.

When you first communicate your boundary, you might receive a defensive response questioning your decision.  This can lead to self-doubt and hedging that makes your boundary less clear.

Instead, reaffirm your boundary by communicating it again.  For example, you might say, “I can understand your perspective and need for help, but I will not be able to take on that volunteer responsibility.” 

You may continue to receive defensive responses from the other person, but your job is to keep communicating that same boundary over and over again, like a broken record.  Hold fast to that boundary in order to protect your needs. 

Remind yourself of your authentic personal power and seek to meet your needs on your own.

Vicki Tidwell Palmer, in her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, uses the phrase authentic personal power to describe the difference between areas in which you have power or control and areas in which you do not.  You can control your own thoughts, actions, behaviors, emotions, and attitudes, but you can’t control the actions or emotions of others.  They may choose not to respect your requests or your boundaries.

Recognize the areas where you are powerless to change others and find ways that you can meet your own needs using your own power.  For example, you can leave the room when an argument with your spouse becomes too heated, or suggest outings other than shopping to your friend with whom you tend to overspend.  Recognizing where you have power allows you to avoid feeling like a victim.

If the outcome is outside of your control because it depends on the actions of someone else, seek creative ways to set boundaries and follow through on consequences to meet your own need.  For example, you could say, “If you choose to come home later than you communicated you would, I will not have dinner prepared and ready for you.”

Follow through on consequences communicated.

A boundary isn’t truly functional unless there is follow-through on the consequences for breaking it.  Often, in a life without boundaries, you’re absorbing the effects of another’s actions instead of allowing them to experience those consequences themselves.

In some cases, consequences are minor and may only have a small impact on the other person.  In choosing outings other than shopping with your friend, you’ll still be able to spend time together: it will just look different.  When you say “no” to a volunteer opportunity, the consequence is that the person who asks will simply have to ask someone else.

But in some cases, the consequences are more significant.  For the addict who continues to act out, they may have to face the consequences of separation or divorce.  These significant consequences often can be difficult for you as well. Be willing to count the cost of these more significant consequences and imagine how they’ll play out, including what you’ll need to reinforce them.  Imagining the story all the way through until the end will help prepare you in case you need to follow through.

It is important to recognize how the consequences you communicate will also affect you and be willing to follow through anyway. If not, your boundaries will be ineffective at allowing you to get your needs met.  For the addict, the most important part of rebuilding trust is to line up words with actions.  In boundary setting, you need to operate with much the same principle.

Get comfortable with saying “no.”

As silly as it may sound, practice saying “no” on your own or with other people.  Stand in front of a mirror and rehearse what you’re going to say in communicating your boundary.  Talk with a friend or therapist and ask them to help you rehearse how your conversation will go.

An added benefit of practicing your “no” with a trusted friend is that you’ll receive support for the boundaries you’d like to set.  You’ll be able to process who the boundary setting goes and having someone to care for you if things don’t turn out as expected.

Be willing to re-evaluate and compromise if needed.

While I often find that the major issue with setting boundaries is maintaining them, the opposite extreme can also come into play: boundaries that become too rigid and unchangeable.  For example, if you decide that your spouse’s late arrival means you won’t make dinner for him or her, what happens when your spouse was involved in a car accident or was caught in an unexpected storm?  It may be worthwhile to reconsider the consequence of the boundary in this situation.

Be willing to have conversations with your loved ones and offer grace in situations that are outside of their control.  Look for places to compromise when your loved ones have a hard time agreeing with or carrying out your boundaries.  What might be a solution in the middle where you could get both of your needs met? Ask what the other individual is willing to agree to and see if that works for you.

Part of revisiting your boundaries might involve acknowledging that you don’t have control over the behaviors and choices of your spouse or of the person with whom you’re setting boundaries.  Since healthy consequences are meant for self-care and not for maintaining control over the other person, your consequences may not lead to change in them.  Boundaries are not meant to control, but are meant to help you receive what you need.

In this case, you’ll likely grieve the loss of an ideal or hoped-for outcome.  If the other person doesn’t respond in the way you’d hoped, you might need to re-evaluate how to get your needs met on your own.  In extreme cases, like in failure to respect boundaries about sexual acting out behaviors outside the marriage, this may mean pursuing separation or divorce.

These general principles are meant to help resolve simple boundary violations or conflicts, but real life can be complicated beyond what these simple solutions can provide.  If you’re facing these more complex boundary situations, consider sitting down with a therapist to discuss how to set boundaries specific to your situation.

How to Set Yourself Up for Success in Boundary Setting (Boundaries Series Part 1 of 2)

Beginning to set boundaries in relationships can be a difficult process.  It often requires you to change a pattern of relating that’s been ingrained into your lifestyle.  It might feel like swimming upstream. 

When you’re first learning to set boundaries, you’ll come up against resistance, including resistance within yourself.  Others might not respect your boundaries.  You might notice yourself having a hard time maintaining your boundaries because it feels uncomfortable.  Perhaps you’ll even begin to question or doubt yourself.

What makes a boundary a true boundary is holding to it no matter what resistance you come up against.  If a fence topples the second someone leans against it, it doesn’t function as intended to keep the bad things out.  Similarly, if your boundary is communicated with words but isn’t followed by actions, it isn’t functioning the way it should.

In the case of sex and love addiction, often spouses of sex addicts will threaten divorce or separation if the behavior doesn’t stop.  This can come from an honest place of desiring protection or safety.  However, if the boundary is not followed through upon, it’s an empty threat and therefore cannot effectively lead to change or safety in your relationship.

How can you begin to set boundaries in your life?

Identify what needs you’d like to have met as a result of the boundary.

How does the lack of boundary affect you? For example, if your spouse consistently communicates that they will be home at a certain time but consistently arrives much later, you may have spent time or energy on meal prep or childcare that you weren’t expecting.  If they have a history of addiction, you might also be fearful and feel unsafe as a result of their lack of communication.

Another example could be when you are asked to pick up one more volunteer responsibility at your church.  You might feel overwhelmed by the lack of time you have available for your family and friends.

What needs do you have that a boundary could provide?  In her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, Vicki Tidwell Palmer lists several needs that might be present in response to a lack of boundaries.  These include examples such as:

• Safety

• Empathy

• Understanding

• Freedom

• Peace

• Authenticity

• Honesty

• Love

• Rest

• Time

• Communication

• Respect

• Trust

• Affection 

Once you’ve identified your needs, you will be able to brainstorm possible ways to set a boundary with yourself or others to fulfill that need.

Clarify your vision for an ideal response to your boundary.

Imagine this: what would your ideal solution be?  Even if that solution feels silly or unrealistic, allow your mind to go there in search of the “perfect” solution. 

When you’ve created this ideal situation in your mind, ask yourself where you have the power or control to make that happen.  If your ideal solution to your need of rest is taking Saturdays off, you may have the power to set a boundary to say “no” to activities on Saturday.

Then identify where you’d need support or buy-in from others.  If your ideal solution to your spouse’s late arrival at home is his or her on-time arrival, you may need to request that they arrive home when they communicate they will.

You will also need to identify the consequence or result of a broken boundary.  Palmer explains that consequences are not meant to be punishment or attempts to control the other.  Rather, consequences are to be thought of in terms of cause and effect: the broken boundary is the cause, and the effect involves meeting your need.  A consequence to your spouse not arriving home when they say they will might be that you will not make dinner for them.  This meets a need for freedom to complete the other tasks that need to be done that evening.

Pay attention to what resistance you feel when holding that boundary line.

As you start this process of brainstorming solutions, you might notice doubt or misgivings arising.  Be curious about those: what’s getting in the way of setting those boundaries?  Is it fear of the other’s response?  Do you worry that you don’t have value or you’ll be forgotten if you say “no” to requests for help?

See if there are any areas of insecurity that you need to work through.  Remind yourself of statements of truth, such as, “My value doesn’t come from what I do for others,” “I have control over my thoughts and actions,” or “I can walk away if things get too heated.”

Communicate your boundaries clearly and directly.

The biggest issue I often see is deciding on your own boundaries but neglecting to communicate them and/or their consequences clearly and effectively.  Sometimes that can be as simple as saying “no.”  Other times you need to clearly state your request and the consequence if that request is not followed through.  For example, you might say, “If you continue speaking to me in a sharp and harsh tone of voice, I will leave the room.”

In some cases, it may be more appropriate to know your own boundaries and make choices to care for yourself that don’t involve the other person’s buy-in.  For example, you  may realize that going shopping with one of your friends is hard on your budget, as you tend to overspend while you’re with her.  You may choose instead to suggest different outings together that don’t involve shopping in order to maintain the friendship, but it may not be necessary to communicate that directly.  If, however, your friend pressures you to go shopping with her more often, there may come a time where you choose to communicate your boundary more clearly to her.

Recommended Resources for Boundary Setting

• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend – This book is a great primer on the concept of boundaries.  You can also purchase the corresponding Boundaries Workbook to help you put into practice the concepts you learn from the book.

• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer – While this book is written specifically for partners of sex and love addicts, she does an amazing job with her 5-Step Boundary Solution in explaining a concise, step-by-step process in setting boundaries.  I would recommend this for anyone interested in setting boundaries, whether or not you are a partner of a sex addict.

In Part 2, we’ll address what to do when you set a boundary and it doesn’t work out the way you expected.

Questioning Reality: Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation in Relationships

It’s happening again.

Your suspicions about your spouse’s behaviors are increasing.  The late nights at the office, not answering his phone when you call, strange text messages.  You could’ve sworn you smelled perfume on him when he came home last night. 

But when you bring it up, he immediately lashes out.  “Seriously?  I’ve told you a thousand times that I’m not having an affair!  You’re seeing things that aren’t really there.  Just because your dad cheated on your mom doesn’t mean that I’m doing the same thing!  Who knows, you bring this up so often it makes me wonder if you’re having an affair and feeling guilty about it.  You’re crazy.”

Once again, you walk away from the conversation wracked with guilt and self-doubt.  Maybe I was reading into something that wasn’t there.  It’s probably nothing.  He’s right, I’m just acting crazy.

As the weeks and months go by, the evidence keeps stacking up against him.  You catch him on his phone late at night talking to another woman.  There are charges on your credit card for dinners you didn’t attend.  Several nights he doesn’t come home at all.

And yet he keeps denying that anything’s wrong and dismissing your concerns.  What at one time would’ve been convincing evidence that he’s doing something suspicious now becomes more fodder for you to doubt yourself and believe that you’re crazy.  His emotional manipulation tactics are working: he’s perfected the art of gaslighting.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which the individual being questioned denies the truth and leads the questioner to doubt their own perception of reality.  The term comes from the story in the 1944 film Gaslight, in which the husband gradually and systematically convinces his wife that she is insane. He does so by changing small details in the home, including the dimness of the gas lights, and denying any difference.  The more he denies, the more she believes him and buys in to his assertion that she’s going crazy.

This process is slow and gradual, almost imperceptible.  The questioner eventually believes he or she is misperceiving reality, learning that they can’t trust their instincts.  Gaslighting influences the balance of power in relationship in favor of the one who denies any wrongdoing.

Gaslighting is commonly present in addiction.  Typically the partner can intuit that there is a problem with the addict’s behavior, but when questioning him or her, receives a response of denial.  Eventually the partner believes their spouse’s lies and doubts their own self-worth.  However, when the partner discovers the addiction and begins to see the past in light of this new awareness, they realize they weren’t crazy after all.  Yet prolonged conditioning to doubt their own perceptions can lead to difficulty learning to trust their gut moving forward.

How do I know I’m experiencing gaslighting?

If you find yourself confronting an issue with your spouse consistently and getting nowhere, pay attention to how you feel in response.  If you leave those conversations feeling as though you were in the wrong for bringing it up, or questioning your perception of reality, you may be experiencing gaslighting. 

Gaslighting also has a strong effect on self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.  As your spouse or partner denies evidence that indicates deception or an issue with addiction, you might notice yourself using negative self-talk, beating yourself up, or doubting yourself more often.  Your confidence may suffer.  Pay attention to how your self-esteem has been affected since you entered the relationship with this individual: did you have self-doubt or issues with self-confidence beforehand?  Have they increased or worsened since being in this relationship?

“Crazymaking” is a synonym for gaslighting that gets at another symptom: feeling like you are crazy or losing your mind.  This is often a defensive denial strategy of the gaslighter.

Notice if your partner turns your accusations against you: for example, if you bring up concern about his alcohol use, notice if he or she flips it around and begins accusing you of having an addiction.  Often the gaslighter will project whatever issues they’re dealing with on their partner in their defensiveness.

How do I stop the gaslighting?

The first step toward change when you’re facing gaslighting is owning your own reality.  Slow down and acknowledge the information or data you’re seeing.  Be open to possible alternate explanations for the data, but realize that if enough evidence points in a concerning direction, there’s likely some validity to it.  Don’t allow your partner to twist your reality and lead you to believe you’re seeing something that isn’t really there.

Learn to recognize the signs of defensiveness in your partner.  If you bring up a concern to your partner, see if they turn back to criticize you or lash out.  Often defensiveness is a sign of insecurity or weakness, and it can indicate denial or deception.

Explore and build up your self-esteem apart from your partner.  If you accept their negative words and assumptions about you as truth, then your confidence will likely suffer.  Instead, empower yourself by owning that you have value and worth.  Learn that your perspective matters and your intuition is valid.  Pursue your own self-care and support to build up your confidence and boundaries.

Remember the old adage that actions speak louder than words.  Addicts are great at making promises, but not always skilled at follow-through.  Instead of basing your trust on your spouse’s words, look at their actions and behaviors as representative of the truth.  Gaslighters can easily persuade you with their words, but their actions often tell a different story. 

If you know you’ve experienced gaslighting before, as when you’ve recently discovered a spouse’s addiction, use your feelings of self-doubt or crazymaking as red flags to ask yourself if the gaslighting is happening again.  Go back to reviewing the data to see if there is evidence of deception or denial.  If so, detach from the gaslighter, build up your own self-esteem, and set or enforce appropriate boundaries for your own safety.

Finding Your People: Social Support in Addiction and Trauma Recovery

In an early season of the television show Grey’s Anatomy, Christina, one of the main characters, has to undergo a medical procedure.  To do so, she needs to designate an emergency contact who can help her out if needed.  (If you’re a fan of the show, you know which scene I’m referring to.)  She writes down the name of Meredith, leading to an iconic phrase the show repeats through the seasons: “You’re my person.” 

We all need our “person.”  Or, in all honesty, our “people.”  We need those who can support us and help when we’re facing crisis.  But what if the biggest crisis you are facing is your own or your spouse’s struggle with sex and love addiction?

Maybe your spouse has just found you out and the behaviors you thought you could keep hidden from everyone are now coming to light.  Maybe you’re on the other side, discovering your spouse’s addiction, and you feel isolated and alone because of the shame tied to revealing his or her secret to others.  Having people to turn to and rely on when battling against sex and love addiction and trauma can be incredibly difficult, but it is essential for effective recovery.

Why is it so important?

For the Addict

We know that addiction thrives in secrecy, and accountability to others is a necessary component of maintaining sobriety.  Fear of feeling ashamed or rejected can keep you quiet.  But when you have people who know, they are more likely to hold you accountable for your actions because you’ll have to talk with them about it.  Honesty with your therapist is a great place to start, but you’ll also need to talk to people you can access more easily when you’re experiencing craving or wanting to act out. 

Speaking up about your addiction releases you from shame, paradoxically enough.  When you hear others’ stories and find similarities with their experience, you know experientially that you’re not alone.  Addiction is isolating because you can feel as though you’re the only one who struggles, and yet knowing others’ stories helps you rely on them for reassurance and validation when shame threatens to take over.

Talking to other individuals who have struggled in this area can be a helpful way to get feedback on what’s worked for them in their recovery.  When you’re on your own, it’s difficult to know how to stop.  But you can learn so much from people in recovery and notice your experience change as you integrate that new information.

For the Partner

Partners of sex and love addicts need to break through the feelings of isolation that come with discovery of a spouse’s addiction.  The pain and agony of finding out can lead to feelings of sadness, anger, grief, fear, and hurt.  These can be overwhelming when experienced on your own.  You might feel guilt or fear about sharing about your spouse’s addiction with others because of how it reflects on you or your self-esteem.  And yet you need to find a place where people can support you and help you not to feel so alone on this side of the trauma.

This support also allows you to have accountability for self-care and boundary setting.  Sometimes hearing from others about their experiences setting boundaries with their addicted spouse can help you have a better picture of what boundaries feel right for you.  These people can also connect with you if you’re having a hard day, listening to your difficult emotions or even offering practical help like taking care of your children.  Talking to others can remind you of your right to stand up for yourself, give yourself a voice, and practice self-care.

Another reason for connection is to find a safe place for yourself.  Lack of safety and stability in the home is a symptom that crops up often for partners in the wake of addiction.  Triggers can send your mood swinging back and forth as you relive the past years of your life in light of the addiction.  Finding a place where you can be with a friend or group on a regular basis can ease that burden by providing a consistent safe space in your life.

For Both

Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder often related to attachment wounds from earlier on in life.  Partners in trauma may also experience triggers related to their attachment style.

Attachment is a word that describes your experiences with caregivers at a young age.  These early attachments influence how you see others and the world around you, and they affect later relationships in life.  If your parents or caregivers were comforting, nurturing, and responded to your needs such that you felt loved, you’re set up to have a secure attachment.  But if your caregivers were unable to comfort and nurture you effectively, either by offering too much attention or not enough, you may have grown up with an insecure attachment style.  This is common if your caregivers dealt with their own experiences of addiction, depression, anxiety, or other mental health struggles. 

The good news is that these attachment styles aren’t permanent.  You can “earn” secure attachment through involvement with safe individuals in your life who offer nurture and comfort to you through their relationship with you.  Creating secure attachments in your adult life is a major reason why social support is so essential in the recovery journey for both the addict and their partner.

How to Find Support

12 Step Groups

12 Step groups are an effective starting place to find community with other people who understand what you’re experiencing.  Find a group that’s a good fit for you by attending at least six times and seeing if you feel connected and supported.  The best groups for sex and love addicts are Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  If you’re local to Michigan, these fellowships are particularly active and have several meetings in the Ann Arbor area.

There are also 12 Step groups for partners of addicts to address their own trauma.  COSA and S-Anon are great options for finding a safe place to talk about your experience and receive support.  If you aren’t comfortable attending a group specific to sex and love addiction, or there aren’t options in your area, Al-Anon is another great resource as a recovery program for friends and family of alcoholics.

Church-Based Support Groups

Finding a support group at your local church is also a helpful option.  If you’re a Christian, a church-based support group can be a helpful way to integrate faith into your recovery journey, as well as find support systems and accountability. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian 12-Step based program in churches around the country.  In the Ann Arbor area, churches such as NorthRidge and Oak Pointe offer groups for addicts and partners of addicts.

Therapy Groups

Many therapists offer group therapy as an additional option for extra support in your recovery.  There is often an extra layer of safety in these groups because they are run by therapists who maintain confidentiality and manage group dynamics.   

Existing Relationships

As an addict, you may struggle with telling anyone you are close to due to the shame of how their opinion of you might change.  But part of recovery involves coming clean in all areas of your life, including with people who are important to you.  While early in recovery, identify the people who are safest for you: those who are least likely to judge you and who you would trust to hold you accountable or support you.

As a partner, safety is incredibly important, as you are likely experiencing intense emotions and may be deciding whether to stay or go in the relationship.  Telling someone who’s going to bash your spouse or, alternatively, try to convince you to stay isn’t always helpful.  Instead, look for people who would be supportive of you no matter what you decide and share with them.  Consider your motivation to tell and the long-term ramifications of telling others. 

In Intimate Treason, Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi recommend using the image of a stoplight to decide who might be safe to tell.  Make a list of people you’d like to tell and rank them in terms of the three lights: red, yellow, and green.  Green individuals are supportive, safe people who you can trust with just about anything.  People in the yellow category may not feel safe to turn to for emotional support, but need to know for logistical reasons.  Those in the red are people who are unlikely to be supportive, will toss around blame, or may minimize the behaviors.  You might find, in this process, that family aren’t always safe to rely on emotionally at first, but may need to know for logistical reasons, such as when you are separating.

Have a conversation with your spouse and decide together who you will tell about the addiction and the corresponding trauma.  For the addict, you might feel challenged and uncomfortable by being asked to share your story, but openness is key to recovery.  For the partner, having a conversation allows you to feel free to talk to people without feeling guilt about telling your spouse’s story.  For individuals who are in the “yellow” group listed above, write out a short script as a letter informing them of the necessary information without going into too much detail and agree upon this together before sending it or talking to them.

While recovering from addiction is one of the most painful experiences you will likely go through in your life, the gift of lasting and supportive friendships that can come from that experience is one that can’t be matched.  Lean into this chance to build connection and community.

Fairy Tale Farce: A Review of The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson

What comes to mind when you hear the word “narcissist”?  The word gets thrown around a lot today as a synonym for selfishness.  The millennial generation gets stereotyped as narcissistic because of increased focus on the self or use of social media to present an image.  But narcissism in its truest form is more insidious and damaging than the stereotype we assume.

In her book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, Eleanor Payson outlines how to recognize both the overt and covert narcissist, different relationships you might find yourself in with a narcissist, and how to set boundaries to keep your sense of self intact.

According to the DSM-5, someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is characterized by:

• Grandiosity and self-importance

• Need for excessive admiration

• A lack of empathy

• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, love, beauty, or brilliance

• Belief in personal uniqueness or specialness

• Sense of entitlement

• Envy of others

• Belief that others are envious of him/her

• Arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes

• Manipulative behavior with others 

“For a narcissist, his excessive self-absorption is a protection against unconscious but powerful feelings of inadequacy.”

— Eleanor Payson

While a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder requires at least five of these criteria, someone with narcissistic traits can have milder symptoms.  You might notice that he or she is sensitive to criticism, has rigidity and criticism toward others but leniency toward the self, and projects his or her own issues on others. 

NPD individuals can never admit wrong and are expert manipulators to convince you that they are right.  They can often be dismissing of your needs, leading to a non-reciprocal relationship.  If you don’t serve a purpose to the narcissist, they don’t give you the time of day.

Addiction, by its very nature, is narcissistic.  While sex and love addiction doesn’t necessarily correlate to NPD, many narcissistic traits are present in addiction, such as lack of empathy, manipulative behavior and gaslighting, entitlement, fantasy, and a sense of uniqueness.

What I Learned from This Book

Overt and covert narcissists are different, with the covert narcissist more difficult to detect.

Overt narcissists are what we would typically imagine: someone who is charismatic, engaging, and loves the spotlight.  You often feel special at first when this individual pays attention to you, but they become less interested in you when the spotlight is off of them.  They have many friends, usually at a superficial level.  They crave admiration and support, which their charm allows them to receive.

Covert narcissists are less showy, drawing you in by being attentive and listening, but eventually becoming controlling and detached when you disagree.  They express anger in passive-aggressive ways, and you struggle to determine where you stand with them because they are aloof and indifferent. This type of narcissist blends in well with helping or service professions, such as church involvement or counseling.  They gain a sense of power or value from association with their “cause.”

Relationship with a narcissist involves loss of the authentic self.

The inadequacy the NPD individual feels is mitigated by seeing others as an extension of the self.  Thus, when you are in relationship with the narcissist, it becomes easy to lose awareness of your true self.  You might not be aware of your own emotions and have intense negative beliefs about yourself, stemming from the criticisms of the NPD.  You can end up developing codependency and caretaking for the NPD.  You might focus more on the expectations of others instead of your own desires. 

“The confidence we so desperately need comes only from our authentic self.”

— Eleanor Payson

Understanding your own strengths and value is the path to getting to know your authentic self.  Learning who you truly are can help you see the flaws in the NPD’s thinking about you more clearly.  This will then lead to more resilience to negative messages about yourself.

Notice early and get out if you can.

The major takeaway this book offers is education on how to recognize a narcissistic person.  If you aren’t already in relationship with an NPD individual, or if you’re in the early stages where you still have the freedom to leave, this book offers you the opportunity to learn about warning signs and take action.  Payson emphasizes multiple times that believing you can change a narcissist is risky behavior: the best way to deal with narcissists is to set boundaries or leave while you still have the chance. 

Boundaries and self-care are essential.

Yet once you’re entrenched in a relationship with a narcissist, assertiveness becomes indispensable.  When I work with partners of sex addicts, boundaries and self-care are the first areas I target as necessary for empowerment.  Therapy can help you as you explore how to set effective boundaries with the goal of giving yourself a voice and speaking up for yourself.  Know that this will likely require practice with safe people first, as the narcissist is a master manipulator that can twist the conversation.  You’ll also need to learn new strategies for setting boundaries.

“Your primary work involves developing the ability to validate your thoughts, feelings, and needs along with an ability to stand up for yourself in the relationship.”

— Eleanor Payson

Your reactions are a clue to discerning the narcissist.

When you are always trying to please someone else or gain their approval with a corresponding loss of self-esteem, you might be dealing with a narcissist.  You may notice yourself becoming the primary giver, ending any reciprocity in the relationship.  You might find yourself caught in lose-lose situations regularly.  The pain associated with these reactions is like a light turning on in the dashboard of your car: it’s an indicator of the need to change.

There are a variety of situations where you might have contact with a narcissist.

In particular, the parent-child relationship is explored at length in the book, likely because it can lead to repetition of patterns from childhood in adult years, or addictive tendencies that arise as coping strategies from a traumatic childhood.  If you are a child of a narcissist, you must to understand that the parents’ behaviors aren’t your fault.

Beyond the parent-child relationship, you might see a NPD individual in a romantic relationship, friendship, work relationship, or even service professional.  In the workplace, Payson recommends communicating everything in writing, getting emotional support outside of work, and involving a third party in discussions.  If you’re in the process of looking for a therapist, she recommends interviewing your mental health professional and checking out a few options before making a final decision.

Ultimately, this book offers both warning and empowerment.  Payson gives you the skills to recognize the narcissist in your midst before you become established in relationship with him or her.  Yet she also offers empowerment to learn about your authentic self, practice assertiveness, set boundaries, and stand up for yourself.