Stopping the Cycle of Emotional Harm in Your Marriage: A Review of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick

What does it mean to be in an emotionally destructive marriage?  Have you felt coerced into doing things you don’t want to do?  Do you hear name-calling or contemptuous criticism when your spouse doesn’t like your choices?  Do your spouse’s words lead you to feel horrible about yourself?

These are common symptoms of emotional abuse or harm.  Others include a crippling sense of self-doubt based on your spouse’s criticism and feeling terrified of his or her rages.  Gaslighting is common: when you attempt to directly address an issue with your spouse, you consistently leave the conversation feeling as though it was all your fault.

Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage gives a message of relief to women who experience their husband’s emotional and verbal abuse but feel trapped and unable to change anything about it.  In this book, Vernick outlines the characteristics of an emotionally destructive marriage and explores what that type of abuse feels and looks like.  She also shatters the myths of distorted Christian teachings that cause women to doubt their experience based on overly simplistic views of women’s roles.

Since this book comes from an explicitly Christian perspective, including prayers at the end of each chapter and a focus on Biblical truths, it may initially alienate someone who doesn’t have the same faith background.  Regardless, I believe the practical tools and helpful insight she provides can be beneficial for any woman who is concerned about the state of her marriage.

Helpful Insights from This Book

An Understanding of Emotionally Destructive Marriages

Early on in the book, Vernick describes emotionally destructive marriages and gives assessments to help you identify the difference between an abusive relationship and an unsatisfying relationship.  This distinction between dissatisfaction in marriage and being the recipient of emotional abuse or manipulation can be validating to women who have been told they are simply unhappy in their marriages and they need to change their own perspective.

A Shift in Perspective on Biblical Submission

Unfortunately, many Christian women have been taught messages about the role of submission to their husbands without a full understanding of what this word means and what it requires of the husband.  Submission is not blindly going along with whatever the husband wants, particularly when the husband is asking the wife to do something she knows is wrong or will be harmful to herself or others. Looking at the way Jesus led others, it is clear that leadership means serving and looking out for the needs of those you lead more so than your own needs.  Submission cannot be forced or demanded, and it is not meant to be a power play of cruelty.  If you experience “submission” as a weapon in your marriage, you are likely in an emotionally destructive marriage.

Validation of a Woman’s Choice

Vernick allows her readers to make a choice about the future of their marriage: whether they want to stay together, separate, or divorce.  She doesn’t dictate what that choice should be: instead, she encourages women that whatever they choose to do, they do it “well.”  Recognizing that each situation is different and there is no one solution for everyone, she gives practical help for whichever option you choose.  She warns against people who claim simple solutions for such a complex issue, reinforcing that what is right for one woman and marriage may not be right for another.

If you are in an emotionally destructive marriage, you likely are not given opportunities to make your own decisions.  You are told what to do by your spouse and haven’t had much space to explore what you truly want.  Often gaslighting contributes to this, as emotional manipulation can lead you to believe your desires are different from what they truly are. She encourages you to get in touch with your own desires as part of this discerning process.

Practical Tools and Next Steps

At the end of each chapter in the book, Vernick gives specific action steps to help you explore changes you can make to move out of feeling stuck in your marriage.  At several points through the book, she refers the reader to her website for resources to download that help you begin to set boundaries in your marriage.  She has video resources available for both spouses to understand the dynamics of the emotionally destructive marriage. 

Challenges Toward Growth

Vernick knows her audience: the wife in the emotionally destructive relationship is probably the one reading this book, not the husband.  She also knows that many of these women want to change their spouse, but they have little to no control over that change.  Instead, she challenges women to do their own work: becoming more confident and supported so that they can take steps toward healing.  At one point she discusses her intentional decision to refrain from talking about reasons for husbands to become emotionally abusive: to her, it doesn’t matter how it happened, but instead that it is happening, and the wife needs to respond to protect herself and her family.

For Partners of Sex and Love Addicts

When I’m working with partners of sex and love addicts, I see the devastation that trauma causes and how it can limit a woman’s sense of personal power. It is important to allow the husband to carry the blame for stepping out on the marriage. And it is incredibly important for your own healing to recognize how these actions have affected you and how you may be responding negatively in your own way as a result.  Taking ownership over your own response can help you regain a personal sense of power.  Acknowledge the reality of the trauma you’re experiencing, but also acknowledge steps you can take to regain control over your own choices and life.

Practicing Self-Care

Healing from the trauma of an emotionally abusive marriage requires taking care of yourself and processing your own past hurt that may be contributing to your response.  Practice self-care by getting in touch with your own needs, which probably have been hidden because you’ve been focused on appeasing your spouse.  Find support through trusted friends, therapy, and support groups: you cannot do this alone.  Learn to communicate boundaries with your spouse and say “no” when you feel uncomfortable.  The best way to do this work is to get into your own therapy to explore how your actions has been affected by your upbringing and past trauma such that you respond in the unique, particular way you do.

How to Communicate with an Emotionally Destructive Spouse

There often comes a time where direct communication needs to happen with your spouse in order to open the door for change.  Vernick suggest templates for how to talk about what you’re willing and not willing to tolerate, emphasizing the need for follow-through on what you commit to do in response to his intolerable behaviors.  She reminds you not to get sucked in to the emotional abuse or manipulation, remaining calm as a way of avoiding destructive dynamics from the past.  She encourages keeping yourself safe as the highest priority, suggesting this confrontation happen in public and with support individuals nearby.  These practical tips help this process feel more manageable.

If you are wondering if you might be in an emotionally abusive or destructive marriage, pick up this book and give it a read.  Do the assessments and follow the action plans.  Learn to communicate clearly and directly with the specific and practical steps Vernick offers.  Open yourself up to explore your own history and how it might be influencing your spouse to your spouse.  My hope is that this will give you the courage you need to take a stand and take up space in your marriage.

How to Deal with Triggers from the #MeToo Movement

It’s safe to say there’s been quite a bit of impactful news about women and sexual abuse in the media lately.  Fromthe women’s march in January 2017 and 2018, the #metoo movement that swept through social media, and the series of revelations of sexual harassment from male celebrities and ensuing consequences, it is clear that the rights of women are taking precedence in our world.  Locally, the MSU Nasser trial has been heating up in national media and the shock of the sheer numbers of victims has been appalling to many of us.

I’m not an expert in these news stories.  I’m not well read enough or as conscious as I could be.  But I do know that this increase in awareness of women’s issues can have some huge effects not only on our culture and our world, but on what I see in my office.  As I work with both my partners of sex addicts and female sex addicts themselves, I find that these news stories are triggering all sorts of past experiences of abuse or harm in their marriages or elsewhere. 

Here are some of the good things I see in the increasing conversation around women’s rights.

We are speaking out against sexual violence and abuse more than ever before.

You only have to turn on the TV or scroll through your news feed to see stories of women speaking out about sexual abuse and sexual violence.  If you’re a survivor of sexual abuse or harm, my hope is that this prevalence helps you to realize that you are not alone.  Sexual abuse has been kept a shameful secret for many women for too long.  In a culture that normalizes objectification of women, women can feel complicit in their sexual abuse, or as if they were at fault for the harm that was done to them.  To hear other women speaking out to say that sexual harassment and violation is wrong and that they are not at fault for what was done to them can give you confidence to know that the abuse was not your fault.

Objectification and oversexualizing of women in our culture is being called out.

I recently visited an auto tech in the area to get my tire pressure checked, and as I was leaving the facility, the male technician working on my car called me “sweetie.”  I don't believe he meant any harm by that comment, and in the past, I certainly wouldn’t have thought much of it.  In fact, I might’ve seen it as a compliment.  But in the wake of the cultural turmoil over women’s issues, I felt uncomfortable.  I realized how that tiny word was reflective of a cultural norm that subtly sexualizes women.

Pornography is another major component of the oversexualization of our culture.  Women in these films are viewed as sexual objects that are only meant to be used for gratification and pleasure.  Women are perceived to be welcoming of violent, abusive sexual acts.  A number of studies have shown a link between use of pornography and sexual aggression.  These films can communicate the myth that women enjoy sexual violence or aggression, and that her “no” is more of a “maybe.”

We are beginning to see gender inequality as an issue unconsciously in existence for longer than we previously thought.

According to author and sex addiction researcher Marnie Ferree at a talk I attended of hers this fall, violence in pornography is reflective of greater cultural issues that have been there long before the mass production of adult films.  The stereotypes appear in the sexual realm through these images, and they feed back into gender inequality.  Gale Dines, author of the book Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality*, talks about the impact of pornography on sexuality and outlines some of the stereotypes that have crossed into daily life.

I believe these are positive changes.  But at the same time, the growing conversation can be triggering for women who have experienced sexual abuse or harm, or whose husbands have been engaged in addictive sexual behaviors.  Areas that previously were ignored or pushed under the rug cannot be ignored any longer.  It is important for women who feel triggered by these news stories to both receive support from others and take action to care for themselves.  Here are some thoughts I have on ways to take action in response.

There is a needed shift toward speaking the unspoken cultural messages associated with being a woman.

A therapist friend shared this article with me that speaks about the unspoken cultural expectation that women have to feel uncomfortable and ignore their discomfort.  As women, we are brought up to believe that being uncomfortable is the norm: in order to be attractive, women have to wear tight clothes and high heels.  “At every turn, women are taught that how someone reacts to them does more to establish their goodness and worth than anything they themselves might feel.“  This is most obviously demonstrated in the acceptance that many women have that sex is painful rather than enjoyable.  When we begin to accept our feelings of discomfort as normal, then we don’t know how to tell when our discomfort is related to real issues, and that can lead to being taken advantage of sexually.  We’ve lost the sense of knowing when we can say no.  

We can’t deny the impact of sexual addiction any longer.

When we read about the court case of Larry Nasser, we hear the stories of his 168 victims and the impact his actions have had on their lives.  While pedophilia and sexual addiction are not synonymous, I would not be surprised to find out that Nasser was a sex addict as well.  Regardless of what we think about compulsive sexual behavior, I believe we can all agree that it is a problem.

Women who are married to sex addicts face the reality of the pain of objectification on a daily basis.  If you’re in this position, it is likely that your life, marriage, and sense of healthy sexuality have been ripped apart in the fallout of your spouse’s addiction.  Reading stories in the media about sexual abuse and harm can trigger your own personal pain of being married to an addict.  Practicing self-care, monitoring your triggers from the media, and seeking to stay in your window of tolerance can help you not to become overwhelmed by these media stories.

Shaming and condemning is not the answer.

In response to these claims made above, we may get fired up and angry to a point that we cross over into man-hating and shaming all those who struggle with objectification of women or sexual addiction.  And to be fair, it is difficult to demonstrate compassion to offenders or the accused.  But as an addiction therapist, one thing I know to be true is that shame feeds addiction. The more ashamed an individual feels about their addiction, the more likely they are to turn to the things that helped them to self-medicate in the first place because addictive behaviors are incredibly efficient at making the pain go away.  Addicts need compassionate people who can see them in their pain and help them to heal.  While you might not be able to provide that compassion, you can lead those you know who are addicted to people who can help.

The Many Faces of Trauma

We’ve talked on this blog before about the various signs and symptoms of trauma you might experience.  In that article, I referenced the difference between what I called “big T” traumas and “small t” traumas.  But how do we categorize those different events?  Maybe you’ve had the experience where something you thought was “normal” ended up having a greater negative impact on you.  What types of events can be defined as traumatic? How do different stressful life events affect how we process and deal with trauma?

“Big T” traumas

A “big T” trauma is a uniquely identifiable and significant distressing event.   You might immediately associate these type of events with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  PTSD involves a cluster of symptoms that interfere with daily life, including: exposure to a traumatic event, re-experiencing through flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, avoidance of reminders of the traumatic event, negative thoughts about self or others, and heightened reactivity.  Significant traumas such as these can lead to feelings of isolation, due to the distinctive nature of these events.  The individual who experienced this trauma may also feel a greater pull to avoid reminders of the trauma and experience a sense of helplessness over circumstances.

Recently, we’ve been faced with horrendous scenes of destruction in the wake of two major hurricanes that ripped through the southern states of our country.  It is easy to see the effects of these major events as trauma that affects the individuals whose homes were damaged or destroyed and who are now displaced.

Examples of “big T” traumas include:

• Physical or sexual abuse in childhood or adulthood

• Sexual assault

• Natural disasters

• Sudden and unexpected death of a loved one

• Witnessing the death or injury of someone else, particularly a loved one

• Domestic violence

• Robbery

• War

• Military service/combat

• Acts of terrorism

• Car or airplane accidents

“Small t” traumas

“Small t” traumas are distressing events that are smaller in scale than “big T” traumas, but often occur over a more prolonged period of time. These traumas are more persistent and subtle than the “big T” traumas, and can be just as painful as a result.  They are especially impactful for those who experience them in childhood. While typically those who have faced these types of trauma do not have enough criteria to be diagnosed with PTSD, they may experience symptoms of trauma that mimic the characteristics of this disorder.

I imagine this type of trauma like a series of waves in the ocean.  The first time the waves sweep your feet out from under you, it’s relatively easy to recover.  Once you’ve regained your footing and tried to stand, however, you find you've been knocked off your feet again as the current pushes another wave toward you.  Before long, you become exhausted by the process of trying to stand up to the current.  "Small t" traumas are often minimized by the individuals who are facing them because they do not carry the label of a significant trauma, but this persistent nature is just as impactful as the “big T” traumas.

examples of “small t” traumas include:

• Betrayal/infidelity by a spouse

• Emotional abuse in childhood or adulthood

• Non life-threatening injuries

• Family or work conflict

• Bullying or harassment

• Divorce

• Loss of a significant relationship

• Sudden relocation/moving

• Legal issues

• Loss of a job

• Financial distress/poverty

• Being the child/spouse of an addict or individual with mental illness

• Ongoing parental criticism

• Parental disconnection and disengagement

Life Stressors

Sometimes even positive life experiences can create increased stress levels that lead to distress or anxiety and compound the symptoms associated with a more major trauma.  The Holmes and Rahe stress inventory is a measurement used to identify how some stressors (which can be either “small t” traumas or positive events that created a pattern of stress) may be affecting you today.  The interactive survey here helps you to identify how stressful life events have impacted you this past year.

Examples of significant life stressors include:

• Planning a wedding/getting married

• Starting a new job

• Moving across the country

• Having/adopting a child

• Holidays

Each of these traumatic or stressful situations is handled uniquely by different people.  How you respond to trauma is related to your predisposition and personality.  However, one factor that has been shown to affect the experience of traumatic symptoms is avoidance.  The more a person avoids the traumatic experience, the more likely they are to integrate that trauma into their psyche and have a harder time recovering.  Instead of choosing to avoid the pain , allow yourself to feel impacted by it and seek the help you need.  These traumatic events can be painful, and they deserve care and compassion.

What are some of the experiences listed above that have caused trauma in your own life?  How are you coping with that trauma?