How Sex and Love Addiction Impacts Your Brain

What do you believe influences your brain’s functioning?  Maybe it’s by the nutrients you take into your body, such as the food you eat or the water you drink.  Maybe it’s the amount of sleep you get on any given night.  Perhaps what we view, read, or listen to affects our minds and our thoughts.  While we might notice some immediate effects (like trying to handle daily life after being awake with your kids every 2 hours through the night), our brains can often change in subtle ways over time.

When we look more specifically at addiction, we can see changes to the neurochemistry of the brain that occur over time and continued use of substances.  Brain scans of individuals addicted to drugs have shown that addictive behaviors provide a rush of dopamine, a “feel-good” hormone in the brain that encourages repetition of behaviors and leads to craving and dependence.

In the case of sex and love addiction, it might be assumed that these brain changes are different, because the addict isn’t taking in a substance.  However, brain scans show that there are similar effects on the brain’s neuropathways in sex and love addiction as there are in drug use.

So how does exactly does addiction affect the brain?  Watch this short video created by psychotherapist Paula Hall to see a practical metaphor for how your brain can be influenced by addiction:

Here’s the good news: we can take focused action to change and rewire our brains!  If you struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, know that your brain can become dependent on that flood of dopamine.  Healing and freedom from these behaviors includes increasing alternative ways of experiencing a dopamine rush, as well as limiting the tendency to return to the addictive behavior.  But how can you change these neuropathways of addiction?  Here’s some ideas.

Recovery Work

Find yourself a therapist or a therapy group to join to start doing the work of recovery.  This focused work will direct your energy and your mind’s focus to the work of healing, rather than driving you back into addictive behaviors.  You’ll also learn tools to fight back against your brain’s tendency to travel down familiar roads toward addictive behavior.

Community

Find a group of people you can come alongside to support your healing.  This could look like attending a 12-Step group like SAA or SLAA, joining a church support group, or finding a therapy group.  It is so important for you to have people you can talk to about your struggles who can empathize with you and hold you accountable to change.

Sobriety

Establishing sobriety can be one of the toughest tasks in early recovery.  A general rule of thumb is to experience 90 days of abstinence in order to reset the brain’s dependence on the behavior.  Set yourself up well for sobriety by creating a three circle plan, as outlined in this article.

Self-Care

In general, if addiction is part of your story, you may struggle to be kind to yourself or even to be aware of what you need.  Addicts often live in extremes of deprivation or indulgence. Typically, compulsive behaviors are what we turn to when we’re stressed, lonely, angry, or tired.  Instead of constantly turning to deprivation, replace compulsive behaviors with good self-care.  As Paula mentions about in the video above, these self-care activities likely won’t feel as good as the compulsive behavior at first.  With time, however, they will become roads for you to get that same dopamine rush in a healthy way.

Vision for the Future

In Jim Collins’ book Good to Great, he talks at length about Admiral Stockdale, a naval officer who became a prisoner-of-war for several years during the Vietnam War.  When asked how he survived the prison camps, he was quoted as saying that he needed face the present reality of how bad his circumstances were, as well as keep faith and a vision for the future after the prison camps.  As you face the reality of your struggles with sex and love addiction, keep in mind the end goal, the vision for the future.  Knowing why you’re working your recovery will motivate you to continue doing this healing work.

The Importance of Being Instead of Doing

What comes to mind when you hear the phrase, “being instead of doing”?

We live in a culture and a country that prizes achievement and success, which we attribute to working hard.  The “American dream” promises that hard work and sacrifice will bring you happiness and fulfillment.  I think about all the books and blogs out there about productivity and getting things done.  We are encouraged to “hustle.”  We wear 50 to 60-hour work-weeks as badges of pride.  “Doing,” and always “doing more,” is glorified. When something is broken, we want to find a solution, fix it, and make it better.

“Doing” can also look like filling our time to escape from painful emotions or experiences. You can numb out by watching TV, eating, shopping, or any other type of behavior that takes your mind off your present reality, but those behaviors often still leave you feeling drained.  You may not be achieving goals, but you’re still not allowing yourself to “be.”

I am someone who struggles with the idea of resting or waiting.  I feel much more secure and in control when I do something productive.

What are some ways you tend to get caught up in this attitude of “doing”?

As a therapist in private practice, I feel this pressure to “hustle,” both for the sake of my business and for the best care for my clients.  This drive to achieve can be a good thing in small doses – until I push it beyond what I can handle.  It can warp into pressure to work hard that can either paralyze me or drive me into the ground.  It can lead to perfectionism, overwork, and ultimately to burnout.

Like most behaviors we come back to in our lives, keeping busy with work serves us somehow.  We wouldn’t do it if there weren’t some benefit.  Maybe it’s the pride of accomplishment, the sense of control and order it gives us, or the approval of others.  Or maybe you’re constantly doing something because you’re running or avoiding.

How might you fill in this blank: “If I constantly keep myself busy, I won’t have time to stop and think about _________”?  You can run away from your own awareness of your weakness and neediness by chasing achievement and accolades.  You can run away from your loneliness or desires by working for the approval of others.  You can even run away from the responsibility that comes with success by filling your time with purposeless activity.

What might you be running from when you’re “doing”?

As I sit, listen, and “be” with my clients, what I notice is I am much more alive and authentic than I would be if I were trying to fix them.  I often find that my clients can perceive this attitude, and they are more willing to be genuine themselves. This idea applies with relationships in your life as well.  As you sit and empathize with friends or family, being present with them instead of thinking of what you’ll say next or what advice you’ll give them, you are bringing more of your true self and presence to the conversation.  This can extend to work too: how many times have you puzzled over the solution to a problem for hours, and the answer comes to you when you’re not thinking about it?

As a therapist, I can feel pressure to be perfect or “enough” for my clients.  To say exactly the right words, or to offer the perfect response.  I can feel the pressure to have all the right training and education, to have the PhD, or to know all the answers.  There is freedom in realizing that I will never be perfect.  On my own strength, I will never be enough for my clients or for the people around me.  And when I give up trying to be perfect and instead offer myself as a fellow traveler and support to clients or to other relationships in my life, I’m much more genuine and authentic to my true identity.

How would it change your relationships if you could be more authentic with the people you love?

We have to make an intentional choice to “be” instead of “do.”  Personally, I had to make this choice while writing this post.  My original intention was to stay up late and get it done so that I’d have it completed by my deadline.  But in order to do that, I’d be missing needed sleep and down time.  Instead, I chose to spend the evening relaxing and wrote the post the next day, even thought that means it’ll be posted later than I intended.

How can you start to make this intentional choice in your life?  Practice mindfulness.  Rest.  Play.  Take a nap.  Read a book.  Take a leisurely walk.  Pray.  Sleep in.  Give yourself permission to take a break, to simply “be.”

What does it look like in your life to “be” instead of “do”?  How can you embody this in your life this week? 

Take a Deep Breath: 5 Mindful Strategies for Managing Day-to-Day Anxiety

During my first year of my master’s program, I saw how anxiety, stress, and lack of time would hit me with intense experiences of overwhelm.  I was working close to full time hours at a nanny job, attending class 4 nights a week, and serving in my church in my “free time.”  Any extra time I had was filled with studying and attempting to navigate my way through our massive textbooks.   With a temperament that errs on the side of anxiety and perfectionism, it was easy to talk myself into a state of stress that would make it difficult for me to function.

My school was a commuter school about 30 minutes away from where I lived, so I began listening to podcasts in my car.  (Cue the beginning of my obsession with podcasts).  One of those podcasts interviewed a life coach and therapist who gave tips on dealing with anxiety.  One of those techniques involved deep breathing, which I’d never tried before.  I decided to give it a go in the 10 minutes I sat in my car before class.  Let me tell you: it was like magic.  I felt like I could enter into the classroom in a completely different and relaxed state of mind.

Everyday anxiety is something many people experience, especially during stressful seasons in their lives.  Anxiety engages our internal fight-and-flight response, which pumps up our body with adrenaline and cortisol, a stress hormone.  By practicing deep breathing and other techniques below, you can take control over your body’s instinctual reaction.  As you slow down your breathing and your thoughts, you’re essentially reminding your body that you aren’t in danger.  This calms your fight-or-flight response.

Here are some tips on how you can respond with mindfulness when you feel yourself becoming anxious, nervous, and overwhelmed.

Daily Meditation

As the foundation of all the exercises that follow, daily meditation helps you begin to become attuned to your body.  Spend some time in a quiet room in silence for a few minutes to start.  You can gradually increase to more time as you become more comfortable.  Pay attention to the way your body feels, noticing each part of your body, any emotions that arise, or any physical sensations. 

Oftentimes meditation is associated with “clearing your mind,” which can discourage you if you feel as though you can’t turn your thoughts off.   Instead, accept the likelihood that thoughts will cross your mind, and allow yourself to notice them, but not shame yourself for having them.

There are several apps that offer guided meditations, if you’re someone like me and are too easily distracted to sit quietly.  I’m a particular fan of Happify and Headspace, but there are many out there you can try and find the best fit for you.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This is the fancy therapist term for the practice of mentally becoming aware of each part of your body by isolating one muscle group at a time, tensing and flexing the muscles.  Pay attention to the feeling of holding tightness in your muscles as you tense them, and notice how it feels to release and relax them afterwards.

This practice can also help you fall asleep at night or re-energize yourself during the day.   In the morning or throughout your day, start by tensing and releasing your toes and work your way upward through different muscle group such as your legs, knees, stomach, chest, arms, shoulders, neck, jaw, and forehead.  At night, do the opposite - start with the muscles in your forehead and work your way down through your body. 

Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing was the technique that I heard Dr. Jennifer Degler speak about on that podcast all those years ago.  She introduced four-square breathing: a technique where you breathe in for 4 counts, hold the breath for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts.  Completing about 10 cycles of these deep breaths allows you to begin to feel the anxiety melt away.

As you’re practicing these breathing exercises, you’ll want to breathe from your diaphragm or abdomen.  In order to do that, it can be helpful to imagine that there is a balloon in your stomach, just behind your belly button.  Breathe in through your nose, trying to make that balloon expand.  As you breathe out through your mouth, imagining the balloon deflating.  Another helpful strategy involves laying on the ground or on a sofa, placing your hands on your stomach, and feeling your stomach rise and fall as you breathe.

5-4-3-2-1 Senses Grounding Exercise

This is a personal favorite of mine, especially when I’m feeling particularly triggered by thoughts or emotions.  Begin taking a few deep breaths, noticing the rise and fall of your abdomen.  Next, take a look around you and notice 5 things that you see.  Notice the colors, textures, and other characteristics of those objects.  Next, move on to identifying 4 things you can hear, noticing the quality of the sound, whether it is loud or soft, repeating or one-time.  Continue down through this pattern by noticing 3 things you can touch/feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.  You’ll feel yourself becoming grounded in the present reality around you, and emotions will likely become less distracting and more manageable.

Breath Prayer

Often when we talk about Christian meditation practice, it is accompanied by reading or memorizing Scripture and seeking to understand truth about that passage.  While that can be a helpful practice, when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, this isn’t always the quickest way to address that anxiety.  Instead, integrate some of the earlier mentions of breathing exercises and Biblical truth through breath prayer.  Breath prayer involves identifying a short phrase or sentence of truth about God or prayer to God.  Examples might be phrases such as, “Lord, have mercy,” “God, I need you,” or “Holy Spirit, come.”  You could also use short Bible verses that are meaningful to you, such as “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).  Repeat those words to yourself out loud or in your mind while you are practicing deep breathing.  Breathe in on the first part of the phrase, and release your breath on the second half of the phrase.

While these mindfulness strategies didn’t immediately fix my stress levels or perfectionism, they did provide a way for me to calm my body down and remind myself of truth.  Test out some of these strategies for yourself when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, and see which ones help you to lower those levels of stress.

Self-Care Saturdays: Catch Some Zzz's

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

In a world where technology is supposed to create easier and faster ways for us to finish our tasks in the workplace and at home, it is an unfortunate truth that we find more ways to fill our days as a result.  When we find ourselves busy, sleep is often one of the first things to go.

The average adult needs 7-8 hours of sleep a night, but 30% of adults report getting less than 6 hours of sleep a night.  The CDC has called sleep deprivation a public health problem.

And this lack of sleep is causing us to struggle in other areas of our lives.  Without a full night’s sleep, it is difficult to focus the next day.  It can impair your ability to drive to a level that’s similar to drunk driving.   In terms of mental health, sleep deprivation can lead to depression, anxiety, and in extreme cases, more severe mental health problems. Sleep is one major area therapists focus on in order to alleviate some of the common symptoms of depression and anxiety.  Even if you don’t struggle with mental health issues, sleep is still an important part of self-care.

Here are some tools and strategies to improve your sleep. 

Give yourself a bedtime.

Yes, I know you aren’t a child anymore, when your parents likely gave you a strict boundaries around when you would go to bed.  And all the fun stuff happens late!  Some good primetime TV shows don’t even air until after 10pm.  But the best way to make a habit in your life is to make a plan and then stick to it.  The first night might be tough – if you’ve been going to sleep late, it’ll take some adjustment to fall asleep earlier.  But if you’re consistent, your body will begin to adapt to the change.  Before you know it, you’ll be falling asleep more consistently and easily.

Journal.

Oftentimes difficulty sleeping is due to a racing mind full of thoughts that haven’t been categorized from the day previous.  However, the brain needs sleep in order to categorize and process that information.  One way to do this is to keep a journal before bed.  This can be a list of worries that are on your mind, a gratitude journal, or just a record of the day.  Make it your own.

Get an actual alarm clock.

…and leave your phone downstairs.  Scrolling through your Facebook news feed or reading articles on Pinterest late at night is a common way to let time get away from you, and before you know it you’re getting to bed an hour later than you normally would.  The light from the screen also interferes with your brain’s ability to shut off and fall asleep.  Leave your phone in its charger in another room, and set your old-school alarm clock to wake you up in the morning.

Or use the Sleep Cycle app.

For those of you who can’t leave your phone elsewhere during the night, I recommend that you purchase the Sleep Cycle app.  For a low cost, you get a great app that allows you to track your sleep quality with fun charts that show you when you are in both heavy and light sleep.  You can also track different behaviors (such as exercising and drinking coffee) to see how they affect your sleep quality. One of the best features is the alarm clock, which has a feature that will gradually wake you up at the time when you are in your lightest stage of sleep during the half hour before you set your alarm to wake you, to make you more refreshed in the morning. 

Read before bed.

You’ve likely heard that it’s important to shut off any screens and put yourself in a more dimly lit room about an hour before bed in order to wind down and prepare your body and mind for sleep.  I’m going to take that a step further and encourage you to read a book or magazine before bed.  Reading can provide a mental break from the stressors of your everyday life, you can learn something new – or honestly, it could be what puts you to sleep itself.  My only recommendation is that you not read a compelling novel – or you may find yourself staying up later than you had planned!

While these may not be novel ideas, I hope that you can take one of these concepts and make it a part of your nightly routine.  I believe that taking steps to care for yourself by getting a sufficient amount of sleep can be a game-changer for your mental health and quality of life.

For When We Wonder if We'll Ever Have Enough

Have you ever stopped to notice the multitude of desires you experience each day?  They can be as minor as for pizza for dinner that night, or as important as a desire for relationships or experiencing more joy in life.  Advertisers and marketers play on these desires of our hearts to influence us to want whatever product they’re selling.  They make promises that we’ll be happier, more attractive, or more successful when we purchase or use their product.

I recently listened to a sermon by Tim Keller of Redeemeer Presbyterian Church in New York City that spoke to this area: the feelings of desire or longing that overtake us, leaving us feeling unbalanced or as though we don’t have enough.  He shares a Bible passage from Numbers that takes place after God’s people, the Israelites, have just been released from slavery in Egypt.  In the course of the chapter, the Israelites complain about the lack of variety of food they are eating in the wilderness.  They desire to return to their slavery in Egypt because they had access to meat and rich food.  In their freedom, the Israelites lose sight of the harsh realities of their enslavement.

Many who fight against mental illness or addiction connect with this concept of forgetting past consequences and feeling enslaved to desire.  At the same time, all of us can understand experiences of desire and the hold they can have on us.  Think about the desires you have when you had a bad day at work.  Maybe you want to avoid talking to your coworkers, pick a fight with your spouse when you get home, or escape through eating, shopping, or endless hours of TV.

The First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12 Steps involves admitting powerlessness over our drug of choice, naming the fact that dependence on that substance led our lives to become unmanageable.  Whether that drug of choice looks like alcohol, sex, or escapism, it’s clear to see we are all powerless in some areas of our lives.  In fact, often when we believe we are powerful is when we are most powerless.

We are most powerless when we are unable to admit to our own powerlessness.

What are some of the desires you have in your life that come up again and again?  Maybe they are desires for good things, but they have overtaken your mind, emotions, and willpower and end up enslaving you.  Some of these desires might be for financial freedom, marriage and relationships, or a happier outlook on life.  Ask yourself how you would fill in this blank: “If only I had ________, my life would be better.”

What are your “if only”s?

But how many times have you seen people who give everything they have in search of this goal or desire, and when they finally receive the thing they want, they realize that it’s not enough?  Maybe you’ve noticed this in yourself: you thought marriage would make you happy, but now that you’re married, you feel more lonely than when you were single.  You thought having money would make life easier, but it feels like you’re constantly holding out for the next raise or promotion so you can achieve your next financial goal.  You can feel disappointment at constantly striving for the next thing and feeling as though you don’t have enough.

If you’ve ever had the thought, “If only I had _____________, my life would be better,” you’re able to catch a glimpse of the day-to-day world of addiction.

For an addict, the addictive substance or behavior is constantly demanding more and telling the person that they will be happy if they continue to chase the next high or thrill..  That constant refrain is what makes it so difficult for the addicts to stop their behavior: they are enslaved by the addictive behavior and are unable to see the effects it has on their mind, emotions, and will.

What then?  How do we cope with the craving and desire within us for more?  Start by connecting with your Higher Power.  Alcoholics Anonymous defines a Higher Power as “a power greater than ourselves” that restores sanity in our lives.  For the Christian, this Higher Power is God.  Building connection and trust with God involves acknowledging that all of our needs are met in Him, and seeking relationship with Him first and foremost because He meets our desires perfectly.

Use the knowledge you gain from connecting with your Higher Power to create a greater vision for your life.  Ask yourself: Who do I want to be known as?  What do I want people to say about me after I’ve gone?  What are the things I’d like to accomplish in my life?  What are the dreams that I have?

As you explore this vision further, spend some time with close friends or with a significant other brainstorming about what fulfilling those dreams would look like.  Have your friends hold you accountable for the priorities you’ve changed.  Talk about your dreams in which a way that you can begin to understand them further and make an attitude and action shift.

How might you begin to connect with God or with your vision for your life today? 

How Do I Stop Myself? Seven Ways to Cope with Triggers of Addiction

Andrea is walking through the mall when she hears a familiar sound playing through the speakers.  She can’t quite make it out at first, but she notices a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She stops in her tracks and listens, finally making out the melody.  It hits her – this was the song she and one of her previous affair partners had called “their song.”  Flooded with emotions of fear, anxiety, longing, and dread, she turns on her heel and exits the mall at close to a sprint.

What Andrea experienced in that moment is what therapists who specialize in addiction treatment call a “trigger.”  Often sensory memories, such as the taste of a delicious meal, the smell of perfume, or seeing a beautiful view can remind you of fond memories.  However, for addicts, triggers like these can bring back thoughts, memories, or feelings that have to do with the addiction.  These triggers often cause an immediate, visceral response in the addict.  This response can be accompanied by reminders of the drug of choice.  Triggers become particularly impactful when the addict is facing stress.

If you often find yourself in a spot where you’re feeling triggered, what can you do about it?

While the ultimate goal of recovery from addiction involves identifying triggers and planning for them ahead of time, as well as reducing the effects they have, you may come across a time where you are triggered unexpectedly and wondering how to handle the ensuing emotions and memories.  Here are some ideas of what to do:

Stop and ask yourself the question: “Do I want to get well?” 

Marnie Ferree, in her book No Stones*, references the story in the Bible recorded in John 5 of a crippled man who had been waiting at the healing pool of Bethesda to wash himself in the waters.  When Jesus approaches him to heal him, He first asks him this question: Do you want to get well? 

Marnie names this as the most important question for recovering addicts, adding, “Your recovery will depend on how you answer this question on a daily basis.  Your yes will simplify many of the choices you’ll have to make.  Let your vision of sobriety and healing motivate and encourage you."

Questioning yourself in this way is a technique that comes from the theory of motivational interviewing, which has been shown in some studies to change a nicotine addict’s response to the trigger of tobacco.  It helps you to connect with the delayed consequences of your actions, rather than just being caught up in the immediate gratification that addictive behavior gives.

Practice quality self-care.

In our driven and self-motivated culture, self-care strategies are very often pushed to the side or forgotten about completely.  In fact, lack of self-care can a contributor to addictive behavior, as cravings are often worsened by stress or a desire to escape from the realities of life.

While self-care can include such activities as exercise and journaling, a self-care strategy that is particularly potent for fighting back against addiction is gratitude.  Practicing gratitude helps to slow the deprivation mentality that accompanies addiction, instead replacing it with joy in response to the good things present in your life.

Practice acceptance.

If you have struggled with addictive behaviors, your brain has been trained to respond to triggers by turning to the addictive behaviors.  Part of the reason this connection is so strong is because often, addictive behaviors met what they promised, even if it was only for a moment. Rather than shaming yourself for that tendency, offer yourself grace and remind yourself that these thoughts are normal for people in recovery.  Remind yourself that you are re-learning new patterns, and take time to engage in those new patterns right then and there.  Accepting the past and making a choice to live differently puts you in a position one step above the addiction, as you reclaim your power and strength over the behaviors.

Engage with your desires.

Often, the underlying cause of addictive behaviors is a desire to fulfill a legitimate need, but the fulfillment is carried out in a way that is destructive.  The acronym HALT is often used with addiction: that triggers are more likely to affect you if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Instead of choosing to run to addiction, take some time to slow down, name the desire (even if it’s just for a delicious meal!), and find ways to meet that desire in a healthy way.  For sex and love addicts, the underlying desire behind addictive behaviors is often intimacy and connection, which is why relationships with others in 12-Step groups or therapy groups can often provide a healthy way to meet that desire.  For Christians, engaging with desire can look like connecting with God in prayer, naming the desires you have, and seeking to trust him with the desires not yet met.

Reach out to your social support.

If you are in recovery, it is important to link yourself up with people who can support you and who know the whole story.  While this support network may begin with just your therapist, your therapist will likely encourage you to join a 12-Step group (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) or support group in order to find others with whom you can empathize and receive help.  If you notice a trigger, call your sponsor or a trusted friend from your support network to be able to talk you through it or be with you in it.  The most effective way to interrupt your addictive cycle is to talk through it with someone.

Take a mindful moment.

Mindfulness helps you to re-center yourself on the present moment, rather than getting caught up in memories of the past or desires for the future.  Practicing mindfulness forces you to slow down, pay attention to your emotions, and acknowledge what you’re experiencing.  It also helps you to identify how your thoughts and actions are being influenced by those emotions.  Take some time to practice this grounding exercise that engages your senses: notice five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch, two things you smell, and one thing you taste in the environment around you.

Use affirmations to remind yourself of truth.

As you begin to walk through recovery, you’ll realize how your self-image and negative core beliefs about yourself have influenced your behavior as well as your response to triggering events.  Find words that you can repeat to yourself in the moments where you feel weakest that are in direct contrast to the negative self-talk you use in moments where you are triggered.  These statements can be something along the lines of “I am strong enough to overcome this” or “I am loved.”  Scripture can be used as affirmations as well, with verses such as Philippians 4:13 (“I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” NLT) or Psalm 23:1 (“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.” NLT)

Ultimately, you will not be able to avoid or eliminate triggers altogether in your recovery from addiction.  You cannot control the sights, sounds, and smells that are around you on a daily basis.  What you can do instead is learn to cope with those triggers and put supports in place so that when you are facing a trigger, you know how to best handle it.

I Love You AND I Like You: Cultivate Fondness and Admiration in Your Marriage

Eric and Kristen have never argued over the course of their marriage.  They don’t have any major complaints against each other, and they seem to get along just fine.  But neither of them are really satisfied.  They can’t put a finger on it, but it often feels like they’re just roommates, or living parallel lives.  They can’t remember the last time their spouse paid them a compliment or showed them affection.

Their neighbors Ashley and Ray, on the other hand, feel like every conversation they have ends in an argument, even if it starts on a neutral playing field.  Each of them feels disrespected and invalidated by the other, and they feel worn down by the constant criticism present in their relationship.

While these couples might seem like either end of an extreme, one thing they both lack is what John Gottman calls a “fondness and admiration system.”  Gottman speaks about the importance of fondness and admiration as a foundational building block of a couple’s friendship in the Sound Relationship House.  He came to this conclusion based on research he did noticing what he calls his “magic ratio”: for every 1 negative or critical comment made, 5 positive or affirming comments must be made to make up for it.

Practicing gratitude and appreciation in your marriage not only fights against this 1:5 ratio, it also is linked to higher quality marriages and a reduced chance of divorce, according to a University of Georgia study.  One reason for this correlation may be linked to Gottman’s claim that fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt, the single greatest indicator of impending divorce.  Contempt is characterized by harsh criticism coming from a place of superiority, and includes such things as sarcasm, eye-rolling, and name-calling.  To avoid this pitfall, Gottman encourages building the fondness and admiration system by shifting from an attitude of searching for flaws in your partner, to instead embody an attitude of looking for the good in them.

Here are some ideas on how to give attention to this area of your marriage:

First, assess yourself.

If you connect with the stories of either couple above, take the assessment here to find out if you might need to grow in this area of fondness and admiration.  If you get a high score, then great!  Continue doing what you’re doing and maybe sprinkle in one or two of the following ideas.  If you get a low score, there is still hope!  Use the ideas below to give attention to these areas and turn your marriage around.

Make a list of character qualities about your partner you admire.

In Gottman’s book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he encourages couples who struggle to feel appreciated and respected by their partner to complete an exercise to grow their fondness and admiration system.  This exercise includes looking at a list of positive character traits, identifying which of those qualities you see in your partner, and sharing a specific story to illustrate that characteristic.  This exercise can be done as a one-time event, or it can be done daily as a check-in to increase this skill. 

Notice daily tasks you’ve taken for granted and express appreciation.

Early in your marriage, tasks like making a home-cooked meal for the family or shoveling the sidewalks on a cold and snowy day were likely met with praise and gratitude.  Over time, however, those simple tasks become so routine that they are often taken for granted.  This week, pay attention to an activity that your spouse does often to which you’ve become accustomed, and make a point to share gratitude with them for completing that task.

Share something that impresses you about your spouse.

We typically are attracted to our love interests in the early days of relationships because of some unique characteristic or strength they have that we admire.  Perhaps he runs marathons, or she is able to remember details and manage priorities well, or he has a knack for coming up with creative dates.   Take stock of some of these gifts and skills that impress you about your spouse, and compliment them about how you see that specific trait in them.

Prioritize a date night where you reminisce about your early relationship.

Especially once you have children together as a couple, time alone together becomes low on the priority list.  However, this is the time where it is most important to be building and fostering that relationship between the two of you.  Find a babysitter or call grandma to watch the kids for an evening and go out on a date night where you spend time reminiscing about the early days of your relationship.  Reminding yourselves about the past can help you reflect positively on present day experiences and the future of your relationship.

Do a “random act of kindness” for your spouse.

I’ve heard talk about random acts of kindness in the context of strangers – but what makes strangers any more deserving than the people we interact with on a daily basis?  Find a way to serve and love your spouse through one of these random acts of kindness.  Do you know she has a big project coming up at work?  Picking up dinner on the way home and putting the kids to bed early might ease her mind.  Is he feeling overwhelmed by maintenance projects he’s been meaning to do in the house and backyard?  Try asking him which of those projects you could do on your own, or volunteering to help on the weekend. 

Keep a marriage gratitude journal.

We’ve talked on this blog before about how gratitude journaling is a great self-care practice.  But what about taking that concept and extending it to your marriage?  There are plenty of different ways to do a marriage gratitude journal, but here’s one possibility: write down one thing each day you are grateful for about your spouse, and then share them with each other at the end of the week.  You can keep them in a separate journal or the same journal, but it can be helpful to keep them written down so you can look back on them later.

Which of these practices would you like to test out this week?

Seven Signs You Might Have Clinical Anxiety

Your heart is racing, your hands are shaky, and your palms are sweating.  Your pupils dilate, and you feel panic rising in your chest.  You start to feel nausea growing in the pit of your stomach, and you feel slightly dizzy and off balance.

Maybe you’ve had this experience when you were about to give a speech, run a race, or play a sport.   This is an example of what happens when our bodies go through the fight-or-flight response that characterizes anxiety. It’s our body’s response to any perceived threat: our adrenaline kicks in to give us that extra boost of energy to push through.

However, when you struggle with clinical anxiety, that fight-or-flight response never truly turns off.  You’re responding to all of life’s daily worries with an adrenaline surge, and your body and mind get worn out as a result.

Occasional anxiety can be helpful, because it keeps us motivated.  But when it becomes problematic and interferes with our lives, it becomes more harmful than good.

You may be asking: what is the difference between just feeling worried or anxious occasionally, and actually struggling with an anxiety disorder?  Here’s some common signs of clinical anxiety:

You notice physical symptoms, like feeling restless and worked up all the time, or your muscles feel tense and tight.

Physical symptoms of anxiety can often be one of the early indicators that you may struggle with this particular disorder.  Have you ever noticed you’re feeling nervous by holding up a hand and watching it shake?  Pay attention to how your body feels: if you notice shaking, trembling, twitching, exaggerated startle response, or feeling shaky, these might be indicators that you’re feeling some anxiety.  It can also show up in common stress responses, like headaches or stomach issues.

I’ve recently noticed anxiety shows up in me in the form of an internal shakiness: when I’m feeling fear or anxiety about an upcoming event, I shiver as though I were outside in the cold, even if I’m in a warm room.  While I may not be feeling the emotion of fear or anxiety, I am aware that I am anxious because of my body’s response.

Your negative thoughts and fears feel like they’re on a constant loop that you can’t turn off, and you feel worried about most areas of your life.

It is common to experience anxiety about a particular area of your life from time to time.  Clinical anxiety, however, is characterized by worrying so much about all different areas of your life such that you can’t shut the worry off, even when you may need to for an important reason.  This anxiety is excessive, interfering with daily life and the tasks at hand.  It is a general rule that the more areas over which you are feeling anxious, the more likely it is that you are struggling with an anxiety disorder.

The worst-case scenario is the first option that pops into your mind.

Everyday worries can usually be explained or rationalized away, and they typically don’t jump to the worse possible option.  On the other hand, clinical anxiety cannot be rationalized: even when you know your fears are unfounded, the experience of the emotion of anxiety won’t stop.  Even if your fears aren’t realistic or logical, they can feel overwhelming.  This is often one of the most frustrating parts of experiencing an anxiety disorder!

You’re at a loss to figure out what made you anxious in the first place.

“I know I’m nervous because I have a big test tomorrow.” Understandable, right? Feeling anxious about a definable problem like a big exam can be expected.  But when the exam is over and the worry doesn’t stop, or you wake up one morning and feel on edge without any particular reason, that might be an indicator of a more severe form of anxiety.

You have hard time focusing, or you forget what you were doing right after you begin.

Have you ever had the experience of sitting down to focus on a task, and immediately thinking of five other things you need to do?  The constant stream of anxious thoughts running through your head can be too much for your brain to hold.  Trying to keep track of multiple different threads of worries at once can distract you from the task at hand, which leads to forgetfulness and difficulty maintaining attention.  This can have an impact on your ability to be productive, which then feeds right back into anxiety you feel about being unproductive.

You’re short-tempered and easily irritated.

Having so many things on your mind can detract from your empathy and understanding of others.  You can feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by the stress response you’re experiencing.  For that reason, you may notice yourself becoming more annoyed or frustrated with people or circumstances around you that increase your worry.

Some symptoms of anxiety can mask themselves as depression: feeling tired all the time, lack of energy, and/or insomnia due to racing thoughts or fitful sleep.

You might think, “I worry a lot, but I don’t always get keyed up.  Mostly I shut down, and feel sad, exhausted, and unmotivated.”  Anxiety and depression play off of one another, so much so that what feels like depression might actually be anxiety.  They are two sides of the same coin: you may be depressed and your body needs to create anxiety in order to get you energized to complete the task at hand, or you may have anxiety followed by depression when your body decides it is too much and slows you down.

With anxiety, the constant stream of worry and anxious thoughts that you’re experiencing wears your body down.  As a result of your body functioning mostly on the adrenaline produced by the fight-or-flight response, you are more easily tired out.

How Harry Potter Can Change the Way You Think

Think about the last time you had a critical thought about yourself or someone else.  Was it this past week?  This past hour?  What were the words that popped into your mind?  How did you react to them?

Automatic thoughts are thoughts that arise in your mind unconsciously, triggered by the circumstances around you or your daily life events.  They are usually accompanied by emotion, and sometimes by an action in response.  You might notice these thoughts most strongly when they are negative.

For example, let’s imagine you’re walking around in the grocery store and see a beautiful woman walking in front of you.  If you’re a woman, you might think to yourself, “I could never be that pretty.  I’m just an ugly old hag.”  If you’re a man, you might think, “I could never date or marry someone like that.  She would never give me the time of day because I’m so unattractive.”  Emotions associated with that thought might be anger, sadness, or hopelessness.  These thoughts could lead you to stop and get a coffee or a muffin to cheer yourself up, get in a fight with your spouse when you get home, or even (if you’re feeling particularly combative that day) “accidentally” tripping the woman as she walks by you.

What are we to do when we have these negative thoughts? Cognitive-behavioral therapists teach a concept called “thought stopping,” which is meant to help control the automatic thoughts as they pop into your mind.  They recommend imagining a stop sign in your mind, thinking or saying aloud the word “stop.”  While the effectiveness of this technique is questionable, the philosophy behind this action is to remind you that you don’t have to think those thoughts and you can redirect your mind elsewhere, reducing the power of the thought at hand. 

When I was recently reading some training materials about thought stopping, they suggested that you consider creating a “replacement thought,” or an alternative image in your mind that can replace the negative thought with a positive, happy memory.  As I read this, I was reminded of major characters in the Harry Potter series: dementors.

If you’re familiar with Harry Potter, you’ll know what dementors are.  If not, dementors are frightening creatures that feed on happiness and therefore lead nearby people to feel despair, fear, and depression.  In effect, they trigger negative memories and emotions.  In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry’s first experience with a dementor leaves him in a dead faint out of fear.

Have your negative thoughts ever left you in such a state that you feel as though you’re paralyzed, in despair, or terrified?

Part of the effect of the dementors is their ability to steal joy from people around them.  In order to “fight back” against the dementors, Harry has to learn a spell (the Patronus charm) that requires him to recall a happy memory in his mind.  In the scene where he is learning to use the spell, he tests out several different memories before finally settling on one where he feels truly joyful.

Thought stopping is a lot like casting a Patronus charm.  Instead of becoming consumed by the negative beliefs that steal joy in your life, you can resist by calling to mind an experience where you were confident, capable, and secure.

What are some memories you have where you felt confident, capable, and secure?

My challenge to you is to take some time and think of the most common automatic thoughts you experience.  What are the dementors in your life?  What words do they say to you?  Write a list of these words.

Then take a moment to think through memories or images of times when those words were proven wrong.  In contrast to comparing yourself with the beautiful woman and coming up short, you might remember your wedding day where you felt particularly attractive or beautiful to your spouse.  Sit with this memory for a little while, recalling it in vivid detail.  You can write it down as if it were a story, or close your eyes and imagine yourself there. 

Notice, too, that Harry had to try several different memories before finally finding one that fit.  You may need to seek out several different images or memories that can affirm the positive in your life.  While some images might work well in a certain circumstance, at other times they won’t be as effective.

Thought stopping is not intended to be permanent fix.  The Patronus spell didn’t kill or destroy the dementors – it simply drove them back for a little while, but they would eventually return.  Similarly, you might notice your mind trying to think up ways to invalidate your positive memories, or communicate that those things aren’t true now.  When your negative thoughts come back, it is likely time for you to do some deeper work of re-evaluating the automatic thought, which involves processing how it came about and why it has such an effect on you due to your own particular story.

What are the dementors in your life that are plaguing you?  What type of positive memories would you need to search for in your memory to fight back?

Self-Care Saturdays: An Attitude of Gratitude

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

Why is it that November is the only month of the year that we place an emphasis on being thankful or grateful?  Practicing authentic gratitude throughout the year can have a profound effect on your mental health and well-being.  

A regular practice of gratitude has been shown to inspire health benefits including increased exercise, optimism, and reduced physical pain.  Gratitude is a practice that has a multitude of mental health benefits, such as better sleep, reduced depression, and reduced stress.  Studies by the National Institute of Health indicate that gratitude can increase dopamine in your brain, which serves as a “reward” hormone to make you feel good.

Gratitude also has spiritual benefits.  When we thank God for the gifts He has given us, we are then better able to receive those gifts with gratitude rather than continuing to demand more.  Psalm 23:1 says, “The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need.”  Meditating on this verse helps me to be aware of all the needs I have that are being met, rather than comparing my current status with what I wish I had.

Oftentimes, if we struggle with depression or anxiety, gratitude isn’t our first response.  Instead, we face hopelessness about our life circumstances.  We can have a thought pattern of only seeing the negative in our lives, without taking the time or energy to appreciate the good things we experience.  I personally can tend to default to a more “glass half empty” frame of mind.

But what if, instead of only looking at the bad, we chose to see all the good in our lives?  Have you heard of the difference between the “scarcity mentality” and the “abundance mentality”? The scarcity mentality says, “I’ll never have enough/what I want,” while the abundance mentality comes from the perspective of “I have all that I need.”  How might it feel if you chose gratitude for the abundance in your life rather than focusing on things you lack? 

Here are some ways you can practice gratitude in your daily life. 

Keep a gratitude journal.

Each night before bed, or each morning when you wake up, take some time to write out a list of things you are grateful for in a journal designated for just that purpose.  You could take Ann Voskamp’s approach and write a list of three different things you’re grateful for on a daily basis, culminating in over 1000 different things to be grateful for in one year.  In the past, I’ve combined this practice with the practice of an examen to reflect on my day and the good and bad that happened throughout.  Looking back over this journal, it is easy to see how full our lives are of good things, and to experience joy at the gifts we have. 

Practice gratitude in your relationships.

We often become so accustomed to loved ones in our lives that we begin to lose sight of the ways they love or serve us.  This is a particular problem in marriages, where the praise and appreciation that are so prevalent at first tend to taper as you spend more and more time together.  Sit down with your partner or with a close friend today and share with them ways that you are grateful for who they are and what influence they’ve had on your life.

Sit in nature and write lists of all the things you see around you for which you are thankful.

Have you ever watched the TV show Planet Earth?  Whenever I flip on an episode of this or any other nature show, I'm fascinated by the creatures and landscapes that exist in this world and their beauty.  When we take the time to sit outside and look at the world around us (even in the winter!), we can connect with a world that is much bigger than we are.  We can also experience more peace and calm as a result.

Pray.

At times in the past, my gratitude journal has taken the form of a prayer journal, where I spend time thanking God for the blessings in my life.  Whether this takes the form of a nightly ritual or an extended conversation with God, it can be a refreshing and renewing practice for my faith and to remind myself that God has provided all that I need.  Sometimes combining prayer with a walk can be helpful, as it allows space to be in nature as well.  Another area we can practice gratitude in prayer is paying attention to answered prayers: what have you been praying for where God has provided an answer? 

Write a thank-you note!

We’re taught as children to write thank you notes for the gifts we get at parties, and we often continue that practice with other special events in our lives, like weddings and baby showers.  While this custom tied to formal events can feel rote and like a chore, what would it feel like for you to write a thank you note to a friend…just because?  Try sending a thank-you card to a friend or family member for no reason other than to practice gratitude for the ways they’ve been present in your life.

Stop comparing yourself to others!

This is a big one, and I can often be the #1 culprit.  When we compare ourselves to others, even if we do so in order to view ourselves more favorably, that is not gratitude.  In fact, when we do it, it often leaves us with kind of an icky feeling.  Gratitude is about finding the things that are positive in your own life, without comparing to anyone else.

What step will you take this week to practice gratitude in your life?