One Change You Can Make to Revolutionize Communication in Your Relationships

“You don’t understand me.”

“Why aren’t you listening?”

“You ask me to help, and then you get mad at me when I try.”

I wonder if you hear words like these when you’re having a conversation with your spouse, partner, or friend.  Do you ever feel like you’re not getting anywhere when you talk to them?  You try to be supportive, but somehow it always ends in an argument or the cold shoulder.  Maybe you try to give some advice, or point out the clear source of the problem, but that only digs you further into relational turmoil.

Or maybe you’re on the other side, where all you want is to be heard and understood but you can’t seem to get your point across.  You leave conversations feeling like whatever you talked about is your fault, and if you were smart, you would’ve come up with a response by now.  You may even walk away more stressed than you felt before you talked about it, and wonder why you even brought it up.

Check out the video below to see an example of this common relational pattern.  Can you relate?

Which side do you tend to see yourself on in this conversation?  Are you the husband, who tries to point out the obvious solution of the nail in her head?  Or are you more like the wife, where you just want to have someone listen to you and hear the pain you’re in?  Or maybe you’re both, depending on the conversation?

In Gottman’s Stress-Reducing Conversation activity in couples therapy, he acknowledges a husband’s tendency to try to fix things, as well as a wife’s tendency to over-identify with her husband’s emotions.  While this gender stereotype may be true in some areas, the opposite can also happen in relationships, where the wife can try to fix things and the husband can take on the wife’s emotions.  Regardless of which role you’re playing at any given time, this pattern can lead to conflict when each member of the pair isn’t willing to see from the other’s perspective.

If you find yourself more often in the husband’s chair, it can be difficult to hold back your desire to provide a solution in order to prevent your partner or friend from feeling pain.  While your desire to support or be helpful is good, jumping to advice-giving can communicate that you don’t care about your partner’s feelings or viewpoint.  What you partner or friend may need is just someone to sit with them, be a witness to what they’re feeling, and hear their story without trying to provide an answer.

If you’re more likely to see from the wife’s point-of-view, it can be easy to become defensive or angry when you hear unsolicited advice or counsel.  In fact, you may feel yourself start to shut down and become angry.  Notice these tendencies in yourself, and if you want to continue to engage in this conversation, you can take a risk and express your needs clearly, saying something like, “I hear that you’re trying to help make this situation better, and I appreciate that, but what I need right now is space to vent and talk about it without hearing how to make it better.”

My challenge for you this week is to take some time to sit with your partner or a friend and take turns sharing and listen to what is stressing you out.  Do they have major pressure at work?  Is parenting feeling exhausting and hopeless?  Do they have a strained relationship with a close friend or family member?

Rather than pointing out ways they could fix the problem, or potential solutions, sit together and listen to what they have to say about the pain they are experiencing.  After they feel heard and understood, then you can ask if they want to receive feedback or support, and they will likely be more responsive.  If you’re sharing and you sense some advice coming your way, identify that feeling to your partner and express your need to be heard and understood.

Is This Normal, Or Do I Have a Problem? Six Questions to Ask Yourself if You Think You Might Be a Sex and Love Addict

I often come across people who have wrestle with the label of “addict” to define their problematic sexual behaviors.  In a cultural time when sex is spoken about more freely and we are pushing back against past cultural norms, it can be a confusing endeavor to define your own personal values in this area and discern if behaviors are problematic.

To be honest, I have my own difficulty with the term “addict”.  It can be stigmatizing, it has all sorts of negative stereotypes attached to it, and it is sometimes even overused to the point that it loses all meaning.  Particularly in churches, the label of “sex addict” may be overused for individuals who struggle with lust or sexual sin.

Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in research on sex and love addiction, defines addiction as “a pathological relationship with a mood altering chemical or behavior.”  In the context of sex and love addiction, Carnes developed a simple tool based on the CAGE alcohol abuse screening model to use to tell if your actions can be categorized under the umbrella of sex and love addiction.

Let’s say I have a client named Ann.  Ann comes into my office and immediately starts off with, “I’m having trouble with this whole ‘addict’ thing.  I mean, I really don’t think I’m an addict.  There are people who are way worse than I am.”  After asking a few more questions, I hear from Ann that she’s been viewing pornography daily, compulsively masturbating, and hooking up with men at work.  Her husband has no idea this behavior is happening.

I may use Carnes’ screening tool in order to determine if Ann is struggling with sex and love addiction. He uses an acronym called PATHOS that covers the following six questions:

Preoccupied: Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?

Ann tells me that she thinks about sex all the time, “but isn’t that normal?”  While it would be odd not to think about sex at all, if you find that sexual thoughts and desires make up the vast majority of your thought content, this may be an issue.  Similarly, if you obsessively avoid sex, this question still applies: a large amount of your thought content is still related to sex, even if it’s on how to avoid being sexual.

Ashamed: Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others?

As mentioned earlier, Ann’s husband has no idea about the behaviors she’s been engaging in.  When asked if she would tell him, she adamantly denies that it’s any of her husband’s business.  This deception is often an indicator of some level of shame surrounding the behavior, or a knowledge that what is being done is at odds with her value system.

Treatment: Have you ever sought therapy for sexual behavior you did not like?

Currently, Ann has identified a treatment goal of wanting to “watch less porn,” as it often keeps her up late into the night, which makes her groggy and distracted at work the next day.  While she didn’t come in saying she had an addiction, she did realize that some of her sexual behaviors were problematic and were affecting the rest of her life.

Hurt others: Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?

Ann may not think her behavior is affecting anyone, especially since her husband is unaware of what she’s doing.  However, when we consider the time she takes away from her husband, the mood shifts and irritability that happen with addiction, the relationships she fosters without her husband’s knowledge – these things are affecting and hurting him, even if Ann does not see the full impact currently.

Out of Control: Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?

When asked if she had ever tried to stop her behaviors, Ann mentioned a couple of times where she was able to go a few days without, but never longer than a week.  She also mentioned that once she had the idea in her head to search for porn, it would just happen on autopilot, without making a conscious decision to act on that thought. 

Sad: When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? 

Even though Ann didn’t initially mention any sadness after her sexual behaviors, through the course of therapy we found that she would often feel numb after her sexual encounters.  We discovered this was a way in which Ann covered over her feelings of depression.  This, in turn, worsened the depression as she distanced herself from her husband and any other relationships in her life.

While Ann’s story is fictional, this all too often is the experience of a sex and love addict, and he or she can feel as though they have nowhere to turn.  However, there are many resources available for those who struggle with sex and love addiction – the first step is to share with your therapist so that he or she can come up with a plan together with you. 

9 Warning Signs of Depression

What might be some reasons you could wonder if you have depression?  It could be that you’ve noticed you’re feeling unhappy or gloomy a lot lately, and it’s hard for you to tell if it’s just a bad mood, or if there’s something more serious going on.  Or maybe you’ve been feeling this way for a long time, but it’s so much a part of your personality and who you are that it just seems normal at this point.  Either way, it can be hard to discern whether what you’re experiencing is normal, or if it could be categorized as depression.

If you’re struggling to know if you're experiencing depression, here are some symptoms to look out for:

Sadness is a common mood for you.

On a day to day basis, you might find yourself feeling discouraged or hopeless.  Or maybe you feel numb, or like you don’t have any feelings at all.  But if someone were to stop you and ask about how you’re feeling, you might start to cry or be overcome by feelings of sadness.  Sometimes you might switch back and forth between sadness and irritability or frustration with others. 

The things you used to love to do don’t seem fun anymore.

Do you find yourself thinking, “I just don’t care anymore”?  Oftentimes, the things that used to make you happy or bring you a sense of peace or joy lose that power.  It can feel like there’s nothing you really want to do, or it takes too much energy to do things you used to love.  You might notice yourself spending less time with people and avoiding social situations.

You’ve noticed your weight fluctuating significantly.

It may be that you feel as though you’ve lost your appetite, and you have a hard time feeling any desire to eat, which causes you to lose weight.  Or, on the other side of the coin, you could be eating more and having more cravings for carbs or sweet foods, which may cause you to gain weight.

You’re sleeping a ton, you feel lethargic, and you’re tired all of the time.

Another common symptom of depression is sleeping longer than normal, taking a lot of naps during the day, or having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.  You might feel lazy or tired all of the time.  You may have lethargic movements and speech, in a way that is noticeable to others as well.  Has anyone pointed these things out to you? You could also notice fatigue without any apparent cause.  You might find normal daily tasks, like getting up, showering, or cooking a meal, to be too exhausting to complete. 

Insomnia feels like a familiar friend.

If you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, waking up early without being able to fall back to sleep, or having trouble falling asleep at night, depression could potentially be the culprit. 

Others tell you that you seem jumpy, and you feel restless.

Your restlessness could show up as fidgeting, pacing, or being unable to stand still.  Likely, people around you may have noticed some of these things and mentioned something to you before.  

A core belief you hold about yourself is that you’re worthless, or you’re consumed by feelings of guilt.

You might notice constant feelings that you have no worth or value, which can feel true even if they aren’t based in any facts.  Guilt over past mistakes or wrongs could be haunting your day-to-day thoughts.

You have a hard time focusing, remembering things, or making decisions.

You might walk into a room and forget what you’re looking for.  Or you can’t read a book or keep your mind on a task for more than 5 minutes at a time.  A simple decision, like what to make for dinner, can sometimes send you into such a tizzy that you feel unable to do anything. 

You have thoughts about death, and sometimes even suicidal thoughts.

There can be a wide range of suicidal thoughts: it can start with wishing not to not be alive any longer and worsen to seriously considering or planning a suicide attempt.   If you are experiencing thoughts or plans of suicide, please call 911 immediately or drive to your nearest ER facility.

Do any of these symptoms sound familiar to you?  If four or five of them sound true, it may be time for you to consider seeing your primary care physician or a therapist to help you decide if you’re experiencing clinical depression.  Your healthcare provider can support you and help you make decisions to take care of yourself.  You are worth receiving care and relief from your pain.

Be Where You Are: 4 Ideas to Consider When You're Feeling Down

Ever have a day where you absolutely feel in a funk, and you can’t for the life of you figure out why?

I had a day like that in recent history that stands out in my mind.  I ended up unable to complete any tasks I had set out for that day, completely checked out, feeling down for what seemed like no apparent reason.  I tried all my tools for cheering myself up, but nothing seemed to work.

I had gotten enough sleep the night before, so that couldn’t be it. I had a very light workday on Monday, so it wasn’t that I was so burned out from work.  What could it be?

It wasn’t until I took a moment to stop and think back that I actually was able to feel the fog slightly lift.  Here’s some of the things I had to realize:

Find your trigger event.

I had to think back to when I first started to feel down in the dumps.  What was I thinking or experiencing?  I realized a big trigger moment was a text I had received from a friend that increased my stress and worry level.  I had to choose to set a boundary with this friend, even though it was uncomfortable to say no.  I had to make some decisions about the words I was going to say to be polite yet firm.  This was emotionally taxing, and I felt the discomfort as an aftereffect the rest of the day.

Check your energy level.

I also realized that this was a Monday.  And not just any Monday – a Monday after I had just started a second part-time job that had me work a total of 22 hours over three days.  It didn’t help that those hours were revealed to me Friday morning, so I was unable to prepare for the busy weekend during the week.  The job required me to stand a lot, as well as learn a lot of new tasks that I hadn’t done before.  Once I realized each of those aspects, I saw how my body had been affected by my work hours and was feeling the effects.

Assess self-care.

I also had to think about self-care.  Each week I try to do a “Sabbath,” or a day off of work where I spend time caring for my spiritual health and well-being, as well as my emotional and mental health.  I typically spend that time recharging alone through reading and journaling, and connecting with close friends.  Even if I can’t feasibly spend an entire day on a Sabbath, I like to prioritize at least setting aside an afternoon and evening to rest.   None of that was able to happen due to my unknown work schedule, however, and because of that I knew I wasn’t able to give myself the rest I needed.

So what am I to do, if I can’t snap out of the funk?

Knowing this didn’t immediately make it better.  I still felt in a funk, although knowing why did have its benefits so I could be aware of it potentially happening again.

What I had to do was this: accept it.

I had to acknowledge that all those factors listed above put me in a place where I was not my best self, and accept the limitations that came with that.  I chose to spend the rest of the day resting and doing tasks that weren’t too energy draining, scheduling unfinished tasks to be completed the next day. 

And by the next day, I had snapped out of it.  I was able to complete the tasks I needed to, and learned to take a break when I need one.  The best part is knowing that I can use this in the future when I feel that funk coming on: figure out what the triggers are, and make a priority of taking care of myself.

Self-Care Saturdays: How a Journaling Practice Can Change Your Life

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

Journals often evoke memories of the “dear diary” days of elementary and middle school where we would write down (what felt like) the most important parts of our lives.  As we became adults, many of us may have left that practice behind, deeming it as childish.  Or the time we normally would have spent writing is taken up by the demands of daily life.

But I’m here to tell you to bring this practice back!  Keeping up a habit of writing the day's events or another way of recording life has positive psychological benefits.  For individuals who struggle with anxiety or depression, journaling can be a great way to process emotions and cope.  It also provides self-care for anyone looking to understand themselves better.

Here are a few of the benefits for journaling:

Journaling provides stress relief.

When dealing with stress and anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed by the thought that it is all too much, writing down the anxious thoughts your having can be a good way to release them from the hold they may have on your mind.  Keeping track of thoughts that pop into your mind and the level of anxiety that you feel while thinking them can be a great strategy for reducing your stress.

Journaling nurses your creativity.

Journaling leads you to look at your own life through a creative lens by expressing yourself using words and descriptions for your own experiences and emotions.   If you are someone who enjoys writing, a journaling practice can help you break past some of the fears you may have surrounding your writing.

Journaling leads you to slow down and give yourself space to reflect on your emotions and experiences.

For many of us, life tends to go at a pretty frenetic pace, and in the midst of the crazy, we get caught in a loop of reacting impulsively to daily events rather than considering our options.  Slowing down and identifying the emotions you are feeling and the ways they affect your decisions can help you to pay more attention to them and thoughtfully respond to your circumstances.  Reflecting on emotions and cognitions can also help to have a more positive outlook in your life.

Journaling provides an outlet for negative emotions and gives you space to grieve.

If you are feeling angry, we would probably all agree that it’s not the best idea to punch a fist through the wall.  Writing can help you to take a break from the heated situation, slow down, and look at what might be lying behind that negative emotion.  Similarly, when you experience a major loss, grieving can feel like a foreign concept, and you can be left without a clue of how to help yourself process and feel better.  Journaling can be a tool to help move through the grieving process.

Journaling has physical health benefits. 

Writing has been shown to help those who suffer from terminal or life threatening diseases.  Part of this is the effect that writing has on our immune systems.  One theory for this is that writing helps us to keep from bottling up emotions, and suppressed emotions can lead to undue stress.

Hopefully I've succeeded in convincing you that journaling is a helpful practice you can take up, but then comes the question: how do I do it?  There are lots of different options out there for journaling, and I’ve used several at different times in my life for different purposes.  Pick one or two of the options below that sounds appealing to you, and get started!

Stream-of-Consciousness Journal

This is often a good place to start.  Write down whatever comes to mind.  This doesn’t have to be an hours-long process, but even if you jump in with 5 minutes or so of writing, you’ll be surprised at how quickly it starts to come.  Many people do this practice as “morning pages”, described as three pages daily of stream-of-consciousness writing.

Gratitude Journal

Taking time to list things for which you are grateful has many positive benefits psychologically.  One particular benefit that feels most impactful to me personally is the effect gratitude can have on your view of your circumstances: rather than feeling worried about the things you don’t have, it can help you to see all the positive aspects that already exist in your life.

Prayer Journal

This is one of my favorite journaling strategies: write out your prayers in a journal as if you have having a conversation with God.  For those of us who are extroverts, this feels more relational than a stream-of-consciousness journal, and it can provide a way for you to connect spiritually and experience emotions with God.

Examen 

Examen (or examen of consciousness) is an Ignatian spiritual practice done at the end of each day to review the day’s events for the presence or absence of God.  I’ve also heard it simplified as listing the positive and negative aspects of the previous day.  You can choose what feels comfortable to you, but this nightly practice can be a good way for you to reflect back on the day and identify patterns of positive experiences to increase or negative patterns to avoid.

Emotions Journal

As mentioned earlier, emotions are often hard to define, or they can be tricky to discern between.  Take some time to use a Feelings Wheel like this one to identify what feeling you’re having, and then answer these questions: “What am I feeling?  How do I know I’m feeling that way?  How intensely do I feel that way?  What do I want to do as a result?  What happened just before I started feeling that way?  How do I wish I were feeling instead?”

Art Journal

You may be someone who expresses themselves not so much in words, but in pictures.  If you’re someone who loves to draw or create pieces of art, do so in a way that expresses your emotions and experiences and allows you the space to process your daily experience.  There are plenty of ideas available with a quick Google search – choose one that feels right to you!

How will you take a step to try journaling this week? 

The Power of Vulnerability: Ted Talk by Brené Brown

When you think of the word “vulnerable,” what immediately comes to mind?  For some of us, it might include connotations of being naïve, easy to take advantage of, or weak.  In research, we talk about “vulnerable populations” as people who are disadvantaged and who don’t have resources readily available to them to protect themselves.  Defining oneself as vulnerable lies in direct contrast with our individualized American culture’s values: independence, strength, and confidence.  When we think of character traits we’d like ourselves to embody, vulnerability isn’t necessarily one that we’d put high on the list.

When we inevitably begin to see vulnerabilities in ourselves, we often begin to experience shame.  Brené Brown defines shame as “the fear of disconnection.”  We fear that our weaknesses and vulnerabilities will turn others away, and we may find evidence of broken relationships in our past that occurred once we revealed our weakness.  We fear that we’ll be “found out.”  We are afraid that we won’t be enough.

Where do you feel like you are not enough?

In her TED talk, Brené Brown goes into depth about her research on shame and how it influenced her into experiencing this vulnerability in her own relationships with others.

Think for a moment about the last time someone was honest with you about a weakness of theirs: and when I mean honest, think brutally honest.  For some, it may have been a conscious choice to risk in sharing with you, as they valued your relationship highly and trusted you to stick with them through it.  Or perhaps it was a situation where they couldn’t help but show the pain they were feeling, as it spilled out almost unconsciously.  What did it feel to be entrusted with that information from a friend?

Sharing our weaknesses with others puts us in a vulnerable place by risking rejection, pain, or misunderstanding.  We reveal the darker side of ourselves in a way that could have negative consequences.

But when we risk showing weakness and being vulnerable in relationships, we invite connection and intimacy.

Brené defined those individuals who could resist shame as experiencing “wholehearted living.”  She connects this to a fundamental belief in their own worthiness, specified as believing they are “worthy of love and belonging.”  When that fundamental belief is in place, these people aren’t afraid of connecting with others and showing their true selves: why should they be, if they know they are worthy of love?

What would be different in your life if you believed you were worthy of love and belonging?

In exploring commonalities between these shame-resilient people in her research, here are the aspects of wholehearted people that stood out for Brené:

Courage, Compassion, Connection…and Vulnerability.

Here, vulnerability is held up as an ideal instead of a flaw or something to hide.  But why is that?  I believe it’s based in the fact that we all live in an uncertain world.  We’d have to hide under a rock to remain completely safe, free of risk, and without pain.  Since we all experience this uncertainty, there is power in being able to admit the ways in which we are weak.  When we open ourselves up in relationships and admit the ways in which we aren’t perfect, we allow others to see us as human.  They can see similarities in their own experience that lead them to feel as if they aren’t alone, and they are drawn to us in relationship as a result.

Take some time to listen to this TED talk below. After doing that, my challenge for you is to spend some time thinking about how you might choose to risk being vulnerable in relationships instead of choosing to cover over your shame with numbing and avoiding.  How might you take a step to embrace your vulnerability and invite intimacy today?

5 Lies Female Sex and Love Addicts Believe

Jane thought tonight would be just like any other night.  She got home from work, made dinner, tucked the kids in to bed, and went upstairs to send a few work emails.  Her husband was traveling, but she was feeling good about how she kept the house from falling into chaos while he was gone.

She started out by reading through her emails, but as she started to feel more stress surrounding her responsibilities both in her family and at work, loneliness and anxiety hit.  Before she knew it, she had clicked over to a few porn websites.  Four hours passed flipping through these websites in the blink of the eye before Jane fell exhausted into bed to get a few hours of sleep before the kids woke up.

When her alarm clock startled her awake in just a few short hours, feelings of dread and shame washed over her.

Why does this have such a hold on me?   I shouldn’t want this so much.  I wish I could just stop.

This chorus of internal voices is often a familiar friend to the addict.  The pull of a behavior that can’t be stopped.  The helplessness that comes with another slip or relapse.  The discrediting of victory that occurs when temptation hits once again.

These voices cut at the core of the identity of the female sex and love addict.  They can rip at her self-esteem until the only relief she can find comes in the form of acting out in her addiction again, which can provide a fleeting sense of affirmation and comfort.

But that isn’t the end of the story.

Each of these beliefs that echoes so strongly in the mind of an addict has a contrasting reality that provides an antidote to the pain associated with the negative thoughts.  In the midst of the struggle, these truths are often clouded out by shame and feel impossible to believe.  My hope is that, by reminding you of these realities, they would begin to grow louder than those critical and shaming words in your mind.

If this is an issue you struggle with, do you connect with these voices?  Do the following words sound familiar to you at all?

“This is a man’s issue.”

Media portrayals and common conversation indicate that men primarily view pornography or struggle with sex addiction.  However, research has shown that 1 in 3 visitors to porn websites is female, and that number is likely on the rise.  This dispels the myth that you are the only woman who struggles with this, and in fact, you likely know other women who share this secret struggle.

The reality: Men and women both struggle with this issue.

“I’m dirty.  I must be a [choose your own derogatory term].” 

It is a common cultural message that men are celebrated for their many sexual conquests, while women are shamed for similar sexual behavior.  This has led to a tightening of morality on women in many ways.  While that cultural message is in the process of changing, it can still be stigmatizing for a woman to admit her sexual desire.  The reality is, a woman needs to embrace her own sexuality and sexual desire as part of healing from addiction.

The reality: Sexual desire is a good and healthy response – it is what we do with desire that can derail us.

“There is something wrong with me.” 

Belief in a fundamental flaw is a common thought that occurs for women.  Combining the two lies mentioned above, the female addict can believe that there is something wrong with her for having a desire to engage in sexual behaviors.  Further stigma can come from the supposed lack of self-discipline that makes it feel difficult to stop.  Overgeneralizations and stereotypes abound that feed the flame of self-condemnation.

The reality: I am not defective.  There is no fundamental flaw in me that has caused this addiction.

“It is impossible to stop.  I’ll never be free from this addiction.” 

It is a common behavior for addicts to try their hardest to stop their behavior several times to no avail.  One basis for this difficulty is neurochemical changes that have occurred in the brain that create a sort of superhighway for your brain to travel down when triggered by your addiction.  However, those neurochemical changes don’t have to be permanent – the brain can change with deep, focused work.  Doing the work of recovery from addiction provides that deep focus that can rewire the brain to experience freedom.

The reality: This doesn’t have to last forever.  The brain wiring of addiction can be changed with focused recovery work.

“I am alone.”

This is the most insidious lie of all.  Addiction can be extremely isolating – it is an intimacy disorder after all.  All the previous lies can create a feeling for addicts that they must hide themselves, masking their struggles and pain, letting no one know of their struggles.  But this creates a cycle where addicts feel increasingly isolated because they aren’t able to connect with others who share their experience.  Reaching out to a recovery group or a trusted friend gives you a place to go with your pain.

If you’re reading this and you struggle with sex and love addiction, this is the reality I want you to hear loud and clear:

You are not alone.

A Toddler's Secret to Mindfulness

Have you ever spent an extended period of time with a toddler, watching what they do and listening to what they talk about?  There’s something special about the way children interact with the world.  As adults, we can become consumed by timelines and schedules and priorities.  But those things don’t matter to kids – they see things through different eyes.

Before I became a therapist, I worked for a few years as a childcare provider for young children.  One 2-year-old I watched was notorious for getting easily distracted – a simple walk along the sidewalk could take what felt like ages, as he would find stop every few feet to point out an insect, pick up a rock, or comment on the leaves scattered around the neighbor’s yard.

One day, I followed him up the stairs so he could get dressed, chatting about what we were going to do that morning.  In my mind, I was planning each step for our entire day, almost by the minute.  To be honest, I was rushing him a bit too.  (We were going upstairs, which is always a several minute production for a toddler learning to climb...and always having to do everything without my help.)

I started listing off our plans for the day.  "Okay, after we get dressed we're going to get ready to drive in the car, and then we're going to go to Target to get something and look at the Christmas trees, and then we'll have our playdate, and then..."  The little one suddenly stopped on the stairs and said, "NO."  I assumed he meant he didn't want to leave the house, so I started reminding him of all the fun things we were going to do and how he would have to leave in order to do those things.  He stopped me again, and said:

"No.  Getting dressed upstairs."

And it hit me.

While I was fluttering around thinking about all the things we were going to do that day, this little one was focused on the one thing right in front of him.

Which was, evidently, going upstairs to get dressed.  Honestly, I was probably overwhelming him by hitting him with all these plans and ideas when he could only handle thinking about one thing at a time.

How often do we tend to do this in our lives?  We mentally jump so far ahead into the future and end up trying to juggle thinking about 27 things at once.  For me, it can start simply, where I'm thinking about whatever's coming next in my day.  Or it can happen on a long-term level, where I analyze my career or my relationships.  Or deeper still than that: I can feel such concern over my dreams and ambitions, or my fears of failure, or not measuring up to a professional or spiritual standard.  These worries can cripple me in a place of discouragement and hopelessness at my lack of progress.

And just like this 2-year-old, if I let all those worries flood into my mind, I get overstimulated, overwhelmed, and I shut down.

This moment spoke a truth to me that I needed to embrace at that point in my life: just stop.  Stop trying to figure out every detail.  Stop trying to think about the next big thing, the next stage I want to enter in life, or all those questions that I feel the need to have answered.  Let go of the obsessive anxiety and attempts at gaining control over my circumstances, which I think will keep me safe and protect me from harm.  The pride I had in believing I could control my life was being shaken by the wisdom of a toddler.

The truth reinforced in me that day was this: when we become caught up in negative thoughts about the past, or worries about the future, we lose sight of the beauty of the present moment.  We miss all that is happening right in front of us when we’re caught up in those stresses.  While planning and creating a vision for the future has a time and place, on a day-to-day basis, it is important to take things just one step at a time.  When we choose to be mindful of the present moment, we experience fewer negative emotions, less stress, increased focus and memory, less emotional reactivity, happier relationships, and plenty of other health benefits.

When I walk in the present moment of life, I feel so much more gratitude for the things around me.  I experience the grace that comes with knowing I don't have to have it all together, and I don't have to be perfect or achieve all the things I desire to achieve in my life.   And I can rest in the simplicity of life where I'm not always rushing ahead to the next thing and trying my hardest to control every outcome.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

Who knew a 2-year-old would have a wiser outlook on life than I would.

One step at a time.

What's On Your Map? 20 Questions for Your Spouse

It’s that time of year again, where Hallmark cards and cheesy stuffed bears come out in full force, and you reminisce to the simpler childhood days when February 14th was on par with Halloween for how much candy you collected in one day.  As we get older, Valentine’s Day often carries different meaning.  Whether you’re married or not, Valentine’s Day can be synonymous with loneliness and unmet expectations. In marriage, the loneliness can feel particularly strong, as you may be reminded of your early dating years, but that special spark is missing in daily life now.

As time passes over the years in a marriage, satisfaction can tend to decrease.  This is a normal occurrence in every relationship: research on marital happiness in early years of marriage shows that it tends to decrease over time.  The birth of children play a factor in this as well, as John Gottman reports in his research that couples are less satisfied in their relationships after children enter the picture (for somewhat obvious reasons).

So what can we do to stop this dissatisfaction right in its tracks?

John Gottman’s extensive studies on marriage has led him to create a model called the Sound Relationship House to describe the various aspects that make up healthy, thriving marriages.  The foundation of the house consists of three levels, fondly known as “the friendship quadrant.” This suggests that the strongest marriages are built upon a basis of mutual appreciation, respect, and knowledge of one another’s world.

The first level is “Build Love Maps” – essentially, creating a map of your spouse’s world.  The foundation for this step, as defined by Gottman, is asking open-ended questions.  This come pretty natural in the early dating years – you may have fond memories of getting to know your spouse during hours-long conversations, asking questions and learning more about their day-to-day life.  But as time goes on, daily responsibilities of sharing a home and family make that connection time feel less important.  While you might assume you already know everything there is to know about your partners world, that picture often needs to be updated over time as we change and grow.

Here’s my challenge to you: this Valentine’s Day, take some intentional time with your partner to ask each other 5 of the questions below.  You can make it a game, share answers over dinner, try to guess your partner’s answer…whatever fits for you.

With each question you answer, you’re building one more street on that Love Map, and you’re building connections to your partner’s world.

Here’s some ideas for questions to ask:

1. If you could be any animal in the world, which would you be? Why?

2. What one or two fictional characters do you believe you are most like? Why?

3. Who is your best friend? What are the qualities about that person that makes you admire them?

4. What is one place you’d like to travel that you haven’t been to? What would you want to do there?

5. What’s your fondest memory of childhood?

6. If you could have a superpower, what would it be and why?

7. What was your favorite subject in school? Least favorite subject?

8. If you could work in any career that’s different from your current position, what would you do? Why?

9. What was your favorite childhood vacation spot? Why?

10. What is one of your favorite smells? What does that smell remind you of?

11. If you could build a dream house anywhere, where would it be? What would it look like? What would you fill it with?

12. What was the best meal you’ve ever had in your life? Tell me the story behind it.

13. What is your biggest worry right now? If that worry didn’t exist, how might your life be different?

14. What was the last movie/book/TV show that affected you emotionally? Why?

15. Who is the person you admire most in the world? What are the qualities you admire in them?

16. What are the hobbies you would pursue if you had more time?

17. What are some of your dreams for retirement/later in life?

18. When you look back on your life, what do you want people to say about you?

19. What is something you’re truly grateful for in your life right now?

20. What was your favorite game to play as a child? What is it now?

If you’ve read through this list and enjoyed asking one another these questions, find ways to keep incorporating this into your date nights!  You can use Gottman’s Love Maps or Open-Ended Questions apps to generate ideas,  or do a Google search or Pinterest search for different questions to ask your spouse.  The possibilities are endless!

Each step you take builds one more brick on that foundation of your relationship that will help increase your marital friendship and build toward a long-lasting, satisfying marriage.  Why not start this Valentine's season?

Self-Care Saturdays: 7 Ways to Get Yourself Moving

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

If you would’ve told 14-year-old me that I would be running half-marathons by the time I was in my twenties, I’d laugh in your face.  Or more accurately, cross my arms in a huff and roll my eyes.  Though I ran hurdles and sprints on the track team, I HATED distance running and avoided cross country like the plague.

But something shifted in my early adult years.  I was fresh out of college and struggling with depression.  At a seminar I went to about depression and anxiety, one of the presenters named that exercise was a good way to boost his mood.  I decided to give running another try.  And this time around, with no pressure to be fast, I began to enjoy it.  I looked forward to running.  And let me tell you – it is one major factor that I can look back on and credit as changing my struggle with depression.

We all know the well-touted benefits of exercise. In fact, studies have shown that exercise can have comparable effects to antidepressant medication.  But when Netflix is calling your name, or the 5am alarm for a morning workout is just too early, we don’t prioritize those health benefits we’ve heard about.

Here’s a list of different tips you can use to beat that magnetic force that holds you to the couch.

Start Small (But Significant!)

If you walk out of your door thinking, “I’m going to run 5 miles today” when you haven’t strapped on your running shoes for 6 months, you’ll probably get to about a mile before the weight of that decision hits you – hard.

If you haven’t worked out for several months, start with something small.   It can be as simple as adding 20 sit-ups or 10 push-ups to your morning routine, walking around your block after dinner, or doing half of a Pilates video.  Be proud of what you accomplish!  You don’t have to be a bodybuilder to be fit and get healthy.  When you start small, you can begin to slowly increase as you feel comfortable, and before you know it you’ll be surprised at how much you can accomplish. 

Do Something You Love

If running makes you feel like you are dying, or if you dread going to your workout class, you’re not likely to follow through and actually exercise.  Just because everyone you know is into running/yoga/weight training, that doesn’t mean that it’ll work for you.

If you like walking your dog, extend your walk for another 15 minutes and explore a park or neighborhood nearby that you haven’t gone to before.  If you like dancing, have a dance party in your living room for 20 minutes with your favorite playlist.  There are so many options out there for how to exercise that I believe there is one that each person can enjoy.

Focus on the First Step

Picture a typical morning where you think about going to the gym to complete a workout.  Chances are, if you’re on the couch at home in your pajamas, you’re much more likely to stay at home.  On the other hand, if you’re in the car on the way to the gym in your athletic clothes, you’re probably more likely to work out.

Use this fact to focus your energy on just that first step you need to take to make exercise happen.  Instead thinking about how tired you’ll be during your workout, concentrate instead on changing your environment to motivate you to complete whatever exercise you want to be doing.

Go Outside

If you want to kill two birds with one stone, do your workout outside!  Not only will you get the mood-boosting endorphins of a workout, but you’ll get the happy effects of vitamin D and some fresh air into your lungs.  Studies have shown that exercising outside is associated with additional health benefits, and it also can provide motivation to return for another workout. Live somewhere where it’s overcast, rainy, or snowy?  Try it anyway! Going for a run in bad weather makes me feel extra intense and committed, which is an automatic mood boost. 

Work Out with a Friend

Find a friend who wants to get fit as well, and sign up for a class with them or make plans to work out together.  When you work out with a friend, you’ve got the built-in accountability to keep you on your exercise schedule.  And it always helps to have someone to go out to coffee with after a workout!

Invest in Yourself

Spending a little cash to take care of your physical health is worth it.  Buy a fitness tracker and use it as a tool to compete with your friends and neighbors on how many steps you’ve achieved that day.  Sign up for a gym membership or a workout class that you have to pay for – the financial investment may lead to a sense of emotional investment as well.  Register for a race in advance, knowing that you’ll have to be trained in time or you will lose the (often quite pricey) race registration fee.

Use Free Resources Where Available

On the flip side, if money is something that holds you back from exercise, you have plenty of resources you can use to get started even without that gym membership!  Check out free YouTube channels that offer yoga or workout videos.  Check out a book about exercise or a workout DVD from your local library.  In the past, I’ve even used the On Demand feature on my cable network to find kickboxing and other workout videos – they may be cheesy, but they get the job done!

What’s your next step to practice self-care through exercise?