Step Seven: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Seven: We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

Through the last three steps of the 12 Step program, you’ve looked candidly not only at the destruction your addiction has caused, but also at the character defects that drove your addiction and caused dysfunction in other areas.  As you ready yourself to hand over your shortcomings to God in Step Six, you come to terms with the origins of these patterns and how they have served you.

What does it mean to ask God to remove your shortcomings in Step Seven?  First and foremost, it is an act of surrender.  You must acknowledge the reality that you cannot make yourself perfect or improve your character flaws and defects on your own.  You begin to see that change comes from the work of God and the Holy Spirit in you (Galatians 5:19-25).

Step Seven also fosters a healthy dependence on God.  The most significant action of this step is praying and asking God to remove your flaws, but the true work of this step is done by God.  Similar to Step One, you are humbly admitting that you aren’t able to overcome your moral shortcomings on your own.  It is an interesting and challenging reminder of surrender in trust: you have to ask God to do this step for you.

Asking God to remove these shortcomings also creates greater intimacy in relationship with God.  Rather than a grueling taskmaster or dictator who tells you what to do and then punishes you when you don’t do it, this step requires you to step into a greater knowledge of God as personal, desiring a relationship with His people, and at work in transforming hearts to align with His will.  He promises in His word that He will give us the power and the desire to do what pleases him (Philippians 2:13).

How to Work Step Seven

Write a personalized prayer to God asking Him to remove your shortcomings and align your heart with His will for your life.

Create a prayer customized to your specific character flaws and defects.  Write down a simple prayer that acknowledges each of the defects outlined in the earlier steps and ask God to remove them.  An example might look like this:

God, I acknowledge that I have fallen short in these areas.  I desire that you would renew my heart and change my thoughts and behaviors so that I can live in greater alignment with Your Will for my life.  I entrust myself to you.  Amen.

Set up a daily ritual of prayer and surrender.

Praying and asking God to remove our shortcomings is not a one-time step.  It is a commitment to continually turn to God when you see your flaws and ask Him to help.  In light of this, you can remind yourself of His presence through a daily ritual of prayer or self-care that helps you connect to God as the instrument of change in your heart.

You might repeat the Lord’s Prayer or the Serenity Prayer each morning upon waking.  You could plan a self-care practice such as journaling or taking a prayer walk to help you process the changes beginning to happen in your character.  Self-reflective meditation such as journaling can help you explore what is underlying some of your shortcomings and then clearly submit those to God.  All these practices are meant to help build a consistent, committed relationship to God.

Identify a few main areas that feel impossible to overcome.

When you created your moral inventory over the past several steps, it is likely that you stumbled across some areas of your life you’ve been avoiding for a long time.  You may feel discouraged and hopeless about seeing those areas change.  For these particular flaws, Step Seven is like a breath of fresh air: you are not required to eliminate these behaviors or thoughts on your own.  You have the help of God.

Choose a few character defects that are the most troubling to you currently.  Create a reminder to pray about each of those areas consistently.  Ask God to impress on your heart ways that you can take one small step at a time into change.

Be gentle with yourself.

Asking for removal of your character flaws is certainly a significant step toward transformation, but it isn’t a magic bullet.  You will continue to have slips, make mistakes, and fall into old patterns.  When this happens, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Heaping more shame onto yourself simply drives your addictive behavior back into the forefront and does not align with the compassion Jesus displays toward sinners.

Connect with the truth about Jesus’ love for the sinner through reading Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the Bible, or check out The Ragamuffin Gospel* by Brennan Manning.  Accept your failures as avenues to grow closer to God and learn more about your struggles.  See them as gifts to be grateful for as they remind you of the fact that you are in progress.

Wait.

One of the hardest steps for an instant-gratification seeker like an addict is patience.  As mentioned earlier, God does not immediately eliminate your character flaws.  You will still be dealing with these flaws in your daily life.  Rest in God’s timing and continually turn back to submitting your shortcomings to him.  This is the picture of humility and trust.

Connect with others.

The constant chorus through these steps is to connect with others: your sponsor, your 12 Step group, your spiritual guide, your support individuals.  Step Seven offers the unique opportunity to receive the grace and love of God through relationships with others.  As you share about your personal struggles with character flaws, those who have experienced transformation in those same areas can give insight and compassion.  And once you have achieved some level of freedom from these flaws and alignment with God’s will, you have a unique understanding with which to help others who are dealing with the same issues. 

Nine Warning Signs of Depression

What might be some reasons you could wonder if you have depression?  It could be that you’ve noticed you’re feeling unhappy or gloomy a lot lately, and it’s hard for you to tell if it’s just a bad mood, or if there’s something more serious going on.  Or maybe you’ve been feeling this way for a long time, but it’s so much a part of your personality and who you are that it just seems normal at this point.  Either way, it can be hard to discern whether what you’re experiencing is normal, or if it could be categorized as depression.

If you’re struggling to know if you're experiencing depression, here are some symptoms to look out for:

Sadness is a common mood for you.

On a day to day basis, you might find yourself feeling discouraged or hopeless.  Or maybe you feel numb, or like you don’t have any feelings at all.  But if someone were to stop you and ask about how you’re feeling, you might start to cry or be overcome by feelings of sadness.  Sometimes you might switch back and forth between sadness and irritability or frustration with others. 

The things you used to love to do don’t seem fun anymore.

Do you find yourself thinking, “I just don’t care anymore”?  Oftentimes, the things that used to make you happy or bring you a sense of peace or joy lose that power.  It can feel like there’s nothing you really want to do, or it takes too much energy to do things you used to love.  You might notice yourself spending less time with people and avoiding social situations.

You’ve noticed your weight fluctuating significantly.

It may be that you feel as though you’ve lost your appetite, and you have a hard time feeling any desire to eat, which causes you to lose weight.  Or, on the other side of the coin, you could be eating more and having more cravings for carbs or sweet foods, which may cause you to gain weight.

You’re sleeping a ton, you feel lethargic, and you’re tired all of the time.

Another common symptom of depression is sleeping longer than normal, taking a lot of naps during the day, or having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.  You might feel lazy or tired all of the time.  You may have lethargic movements and speech, in a way that is noticeable to others as well.  Has anyone pointed these things out to you? You could also notice fatigue without any apparent cause.  You might find normal daily tasks, like getting up, showering, or cooking a meal, to be too exhausting to complete. 

Insomnia feels like a familiar friend.

If you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, waking up early without being able to fall back to sleep, or having trouble falling asleep at night, depression could potentially be the culprit. 

Others tell you that you seem jumpy, and you feel restless.

Your restlessness could show up as fidgeting, pacing, or being unable to stand still.  Likely, people around you may have noticed some of these things and mentioned something to you before.  

A core belief you hold about yourself is that you’re worthless, or you’re consumed by feelings of guilt.

You might notice constant feelings that you have no worth or value, which can feel true even if they aren’t based in any facts.  Guilt over past mistakes or wrongs could be haunting your day-to-day thoughts.

You have a hard time focusing, remembering things, or making decisions.

You might walk into a room and forget what you’re looking for.  Or you can’t read a book or keep your mind on a task for more than 5 minutes at a time.  A simple decision, like what to make for dinner, can sometimes send you into such a tizzy that you feel unable to do anything. 

You have thoughts about death, and sometimes even suicidal thoughts.

There can be a wide range of suicidal thoughts: it can start with wishing not to not be alive any longer and worsen to seriously considering or planning a suicide attempt.   If you are experiencing thoughts or plans of suicide, please call 911 immediately or drive to your nearest ER facility.

Do any of these symptoms sound familiar to you?  If four or five of them sound true, it may be time for you to consider seeing your primary care physician or a therapist to help you decide if you’re experiencing clinical depression.  Your healthcare provider can support you and help you make decisions to take care of yourself.  You are worth receiving care and relief from your pain.

This article was originally posted on March 9, 2017.

Romance, Objectification and Trauma: Why I Treat Female Sex and Love Addicts Differently From Men

One of the most pervasive lies that plagues the mind of a female sex and love addict is that sexual addiction is a man’s issue.  This lie isn’t helped by the fact that most literature and resources available for treatment of sex addiction target men.  While some resources have adapted to broaden their scope to treat women as well, what I often notice is that the content itself does not change.  Instead of tailoring the message to women, the assumption is that women are helped by the exact same process as men.

Undoubtedly, there are many resources available to both men and women that are effective to each.  12 Step meetings are a prime example.  But in my work with female sex addicts, I’ve discovered some major differences between men and women and their approach to healing from sex and love addiction.

Women’s emotions are significantly involved in sex and love addiction.

For women with sex and love addiction, the drive is not purely physical. Women’s emotions are key. According to Louann Brizendine’s book The Female Brain*, in order to orgasm, a woman must be emotionally stimulated as well as physically stimulated.  Research has shown that pornographers are now targeting female audiences not by immediately showing pornographic images, but instead by drawing women into chat rooms as a gateway to pornography, as women are more drawn to the intimate relationship aspect than physical body parts. This makes sense, as love or romance addiction shows that the physical sexual act is not the only driving factor behind a woman’s acting out.

Women tend to be more relational than men.

Women are drawn to relational aspects of sexuality.  Creators of pornography have learned from romance novels and soap operas that women are aroused by the full extent of a romantic encounter, not just the sex act itself.  This is why chat rooms can be so appealing for women, as it involves the development of a relationship.  Chatting, which can begin innocently but become increasingly sexual over time, creates intense (and false) intimacy with a stranger online, which can then lure her into sexual intimacies online or in person.

Female sexuality has been objectified and misused.

Trauma repetition involves reenacting traumatic experiences from childhood in your adult years as an attempt to rewrite the outcome.  This often happens outside of conscious awareness and can lead you to wonder why you have a string of abusive sexual relationships or are drawn to certain content in pornography. Women may view pornographic images of being abused or aggressively treated as a way of repeating their own trauma, either through past sexual abuse or through institutional sexism and objectification of women's bodies in our culture that imply women have less value simply because of their gender. 

Power dynamics are an interesting factor that can influence women’s sexual behaviors.  Due to past events in a woman’s life, she may crave power in a significant way from men, particularly if she was taken advantage of as a young child by a male authority figure that had power over her.  This can lead to seeking out a certain type of man or activity that will seek to give her more power or control than she had as a child.

Women experience greater shame about sexual desire and sexuality.

Women experience a particular shame surrounding the issue of sexual addiction.  Strict morality and its messages about sex have led to negative identity statements that women use to characterize their sexual desire, such as “I am a whore” or “I am dirty.”  Double standards about sexually active men in comparison to women contribute to these negative self-statements.  Marnie Ferree, in her book No Stones*, comments that women are often in a double bind, as “sex is bad and dirty” is juxtaposed with the message that she needs to be sexual in order to be loved.

This is especially (and unfortunately) pervasive in the American church.  Messages about sex commonly given by churches emphasizing abstinence include that sex is wrong or bad.  Healthy discussions about sex and sexuality are rare in churches, with a focus on abstinence serving to silence or ignore any genuine and honest exploration of healthy sexuality.

Women find it difficult to compartmentalize triggers.

While in treatment for addiction, men are often encouraged to share specific details of their acting out behaviors, which can include lists of pornographic websites they have visited, massage parlors they have frequented, strip clubs they have attended, or even triggers found in movies or TV shows.  What I discovered in my work with women in groups was that discussing this type of information to a great level of detail actually led to more triggers for the women involved in the group.  Suddenly, they had a longer list of potential methods of acting out through certain websites or locations.  My theory for why this particular aspect of sexual addiction treatment was so different for women was due to difficulty shutting off  or compartmentalizing their memories of this type of information, which leads to it infiltrating their thoughts unexpectedly.

The truth is, men and women are different.  What is also true is that each individual woman who comes in my door is different from one another.  While the statements above are generalizations that may not apply to every women I see, it is important to keep in mind that there are differences between the way men and women experience sex and love addiction, and these need to be taken into account as you pursue healing.

The Secret to Cultivating Aliveness

What is your biggest secret?

What hidden part of your life are you terrified to reveal for fear of being rejected?

What’s the part of your story that you don’t like to look at, that you wish weren’t true?

Bruce Muzik’s secret was simple: he was a racist.

Listen to him talk about it himself:

Bruce’s main point is that in order to fully embrace the feeling of being alive, you must own up to the secrets you’ve kept in your life: from yourself and from others.  As you embrace your true identity with authenticity and vulnerability, he acknowledges that it will be painful.  In fact, he admits to the consequences he suffered in his own marriage after admitting to a long-term affair.

But the gift of being alive and authentic to yourself and others is worth it.

Why is telling the truth worth it?

Keeping secrets makes us question who we truly are.

Have you ever told a lie so many times you start to believe that it’s true?  Or told a story over and over again, each time exaggerating the details until it becomes unrecognizable?

As we deceive ourselves and others enough times, we start to believe the lies.  We become confused as we grapple with what deep down we know to be true about ourselves, as compared with the lies we’ve been telling.  Eventually we end up uncertain about who we are and what we stand for.

When we look outside ourselves to feel alive, we end up self-destructing.

Our world is filled with messages about what will make us happy.  Marketing and advertising are based on telling us that we’re not complete without a fancy car, makeup product, or even toothpaste.  We’re encouraged to find our value or worth in what others think of us or our outward actions.

What happens, however, is that those foundations of our value will inevitably fail.  We will find ourselves lacking as we compare ourselves to others.  We’ll lose the approval of someone close to us.  The power or authority we’d gained in our lives will slip away.  And to numb the pain, we turn to things like addiction. 

Honesty releases us from the nondescript pain of numbness.

The opposite of feeling alive is feeling numb, or disconnected from our emotions.  The things that brought joy, laughter, and delight in our younger years are no longer having the same effect.  We get caught in striving to prove ourselves or in the drudgery of day to day life without any awareness of how we can be cultivating aliveness.  This is inherently dissatisfying, and will lead us to moments of pain.

But we don’t like pain.  It’s uncomfortable and inconvenient.  And so then we look for ways to get back to the state of numbness we had before, through addiction, media, shopping, food, sex – whatever serves to create that temporary escape until the pain crawls its way back in. 

Honesty invites intimacy and connection.

Releasing ourselves from the cycle of pain and numbness requires stepping into honesty and authenticity with ourselves and others.  Often we long for intimacy, to be accepted and loved for who we are rather than what we produce or the identity that others give us.  But we cannot receive that connection with others if we’re hiding our true selves.

Brene Brown, in her TED talk about vulnerability, talks about the close relationship between vulnerability, shame, and connection.  Honesty flies in the face of shame and allows yourself to be fully seen, known, and accepted by those you love.

How can I start becoming more alive?

Get honest with yourself.

The first step is breaking through denial and practicing honesty with yourself.  What are the secrets you’ve been hiding, even from yourself?  If deception has been masking your true self and making you uncertain of who you are, take some time to rediscover your identity.  Find the experiences that create joy and life in you.

At the same time, make a list of the secrets you’ve been hiding.  Using principles from the 12 Steps (like Steps One and Four) can help you realistically assess the areas you’ve been hiding from the truth.

Begin sharing with the people you love.

This might be the biggest risk you’re asked to take: share the secrets you have with someone close to you.  The point of this exercise is not only to create connection and honesty in your relationships, but it is also intended to help you feel more alive.  If you can be fully yourself and vulnerable with those around you, you’ll experience greater connectedness and life. 

Start with your biggest secret first.

The biggest secret is often the one that you are most afraid of sharing.  Step into sharing this one first.  The rest will come easier as a result, almost like a waterfall just after the dam has broken through.  Once you see how honesty brings aliveness, you’ll want to continue.

One helpful principle to keep in mind is the effect of your honesty on others.  Dumping your secrets onto others may make you feel better, but it leaves them carrying the burden.  Before you share your secret, you have to be willing to take responsibility for any consequences that may come your way.

Expect things to get worse before they get better.

Something I tell every new client when they come in my door for their first session is that oftentimes, the pain will worsen before it improves.  When you are honest, there is a strong possibility that your honesty will increase pain for a time.  You’ll likely be facing areas of your life you’ve kept hidden for a long while.  But that pain will break through your numbness and eventually lead to greater feelings of connection with all your emotions, positive and negative.

One Key Step to Rebuild Trust for a Couple Recovering from Sex and Love Addiction

You’ve discovered your spouse’s compulsive affairs or addictive pornography use, and you’re reeling from the new information.  You have a thousand questions to ask them, but it seems like every time you ask for more detail, you get a different answer.  You don’t know what you can trust anymore, especially since you can’t believe anything your partner says.

Or perhaps your spouse just found out about your addictive behaviors, and you’re trying your hardest to minimize the amount of pain they’ll experience or the intensity of anger directed at you.  So you only tell them information they “need” to know.  Problem is, they keep asking more questions or finding out more information that you left out, and they’re getting angrier than ever.

Working through the pain and trauma of sexual addiction recovery is a challenging process for a couple.  The #1 issue I come across with couples dealing with affairs or sex and love addiction is loss of trust.  Couples ask me over and over again: “How do we rebuild trust?  How can I ever believe anything they say again?  Why can’t my spouse trust me?”

Trust requires honesty.  It requires acting in alignment with words, taking responsibility for past wrongs, and telling the truth even when it is difficult and painful.  In order to gain trust again, the first and most important step is participating in a therapist-facilitated formal disclosure.

What happens without formal disclosure?

In the majority of couples, the addict is discovered while still in active addiction.  The partner happens upon an email, a website history, or catches their spouse acting out.  The addict denies their addiction, but the evidence can’t lie.

What typically follows is a process of “staggered disclosure,” a term coined in Disclosing Secrets* by Jennifer Schneider and Deborah Corley.  Staggered disclosure happens when the addict tells their spouse as little information as possible about their behaviors, testing the waters to see if their partner will stay and/or living in denial of responsibility for their behaviors.  However, this simply prolongs the partner’s pain, as trust is further destroyed upon future discoveries of withheld information.

In this case, the partner is constantly living in fear of what information or new revelation might be coming next.  This can go on over the course of years, as the partner continues to make discovery after discovery of their spouse’s behaviors.  Clearly, the addict’s behavior of downplaying and denial of the truth simply hurts the partner and further erodes trust.

What is formal disclosure?

Formal disclosure is a therapist-led process in which the addict prepares a timeline of all sexual behaviors occurring since the beginning of the relationship, including such information such as the type of behaviors, period of time engaged in them, consequences, lies told to spouse, etc.  Meanwhile, the betrayed partner meets with an individual therapist to process their trauma, prepare for the disclosure, and compile a list of questions to ask their spouse.

Once these are completed, the addict will read the timeline to their partner in a therapeutic setting with both the addict’s therapist and the partner’s therapist present.  The addict takes ownership of their behaviors and establishes a foundation of truth and honesty for the relationship.  The partner will have a chance to respond with an impact letter outlining how the addict’s behavior has affected them, and the addict can then respond with an amends letter.

Why do we do formal disclosure?

Formal disclosure is done when a couple is interested in moving forward in their relationship and seeking greater healing and intimacy.  It’s designed to re-establish trust in the relationship through allowing the betrayed spouse to receive a foundation of truth.  The betrayed spouse is empowered to make an informed decision on the future of the relationship, and it validates that they are not crazy for having been suspicious or wondering about their spouse's behavior.

The addict needs to end denial to engage in formal disclosure, knowing that honesty is the only route to intimacy.  A helpful reminder is that the real injury and pain comes from the behavior, not from the formal disclosure process.  Walking through disclosure offers the opportunity for complete healing instead of continued secrets and avoidance of pain.

For both, the process of disclosure can create greater intimacy and, somewhat counterintuitively, hope for the future.

What is required to do formal disclosure?

Both the addict and the partner need to be pursuing individual therapy, preferably with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, or CSAT.  Both also need social support systems in place before beginning the process.  Addicts can find support through Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) meetings where they can receive support from others who have been in their shoes.  Partners can look for support through support groups, therapy groups, or 12 Step programs such as COSA or S-Anon.

There are some reasons why disclosure might be off the table for the time being.  One of the most significant reasons not to pursue formal disclosure is if you are headed toward divorce or that is a likely possibility.  Formal disclosure is intended to be a stepping stone to rebuilding the marriage, not a pursuit of information to use against the spouse in divorce proceedings.  Other reasons to postpone disclosure include such possibilities as threats of violence, outside stress, suicidal thoughts, pregnancy, or other factors that you can talk through with your therapist.

What control does the betrayed partner have over what's included in the formal disclosure?

For some partners, imagining hearing every gory detail of their spouse’s acting out behaviors sounds like more of a nightmare than a path to healing.  And they’re right: in the process of disclosure, too much information can lead to undue triggers and pain.  Your therapist is aware of this, and during discussions with him or her, you can choose which types of information you want to receive.

You also have the opportunity to ask questions to your spouse, which will be discussed with your therapist beforehand.  Keep in mind: it is best not to ask questions about specific details or locations due to potential triggers in the future, and your therapist may work with you to change questions if there is fear of receiving too much detail.  However, there is room to include it if one of those questions feels necessary to continue on in the relationship.

How do I get started?

The first step toward formal disclosure is for each partner to get involved in individual therapy with a CSAT therapist.  Do not attempt formal disclosure without therapeutic support.  Having therapists involved not only ensures that you’ll be supported through whatever information comes up, but it also ensures that the disclosure will contain the most comprehensive amount of information possible.

Talk to your new therapist your desire to move toward disclosure, and they will help to guide you on the path to healing and rebuilding trust as a couple.

Recommended Resources for Sex and Love Addicts*

• Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes

• Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser

• Facing the Shadow by Patrick Carnes

• For Women: No Stones by Marnie Ferree

• Disclosing Secrets: An Addict’s Guide by Deborah Corley and Jennifer Schneider

Recommended Resources for Partners of Sex and Love Addicts*

• Facing Heartbreak by Stefanie Carnes, Mari Lee, and Tony Rodriquez

• Intimate Treason by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi

• Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes

• Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser

• Surviving Disclosure: A Partner’s Guide by Claudia Black

Step Six: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Six: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Admitting your flaws and character defects to yourself in Step Four and to another person in Step Five seem like a daunting enough task.  But it’s not enough to end with just acknowledging these flaws.  The next step involves the willingness to change those areas.

Hope comes when you realize that you are not alone on your path to change.  Acknowledging God as the source of change in your life can take the pressure off you to be perfect.  Philippians 2:13 says that God will give us both the power and the willingness to do what pleases Him, and so you can invite him in to this process of change and see Him transform your heart.

What is Step Six? 

According to the Green Book of Sex Addicts Anonymous*, character defects are “undesirable traits, attitudes, and beliefs that make our lives unmanageable, cause pain to others, and block our spiritual growth.”  Often these traits were adopted from childhood experiences of survival.  As adults, you have the option to choose healthier ways of coping and relating.

There is a pivot point in Step Six toward rebuilding your life.  Beyond reflecting on past flaws and defects, this step propels you into changing the future.  Changing your character defects can feel risky because they have often served as the scapegoat or excuse for why you feel unloved or rejected.  Without your excuse, you will have to risk pain without a protective shield.  But making that change leads to movement toward trust and authenticity, which are the foundations of true intimacy.

How To Work Step Six

Revisit your fearless moral inventory from Steps Four and Five.

Identify the attitudes, behaviors, traits, and approaches to life that you recognized in your fearless moral inventory.  Pay extra attention to places where you have felt stuck or are being held back by these traits.  Write a list of the distorted beliefs you have about sex or your drug of choice that keep you in your addict mentality rather than in a rational mindset.

Identify where you learned the different character defects.

As mentioned earlier, the ways in which you cope with painful emotions or experiences in your life are shaped by coping strategies picked up in the past, whether healthy or unhealthy.  Acknowledging where you learned these patterns does not exonerate you from blame, but instead acknowledges its origins and gives grace to the part of you that did whatever it took to survive.

Were your character defects something you picked up from your parents?  Were they something you used to survive a painful childhood?  Were you hurt in a way that sent a message such as, “you have to protect yourself,” or “don’t be responsible for anything, you’ll screw it up”?  Is there a history of depression, anxiety, addiction, or mental illness in your family?  Do you see the patterns of these family members reflected in your life?

Acknowledge what purpose these flaws of character served in your life.

You wouldn’t act or think in these ways if they didn’t feel good or serve you in some way.  Maybe your forgetfulness allowed you not take responsibility for mistakes.  Maybe you never had to be on time because your loved ones expected you to flake.  Maybe your lack of commitment in jobs or relationships protected you from responsibility.  Or maybe you didn’t have to make your inner world known and risk rejection because you isolated yourself or avoided relationships.

These coping strategies have served a purpose to protect you from painful emotions, hurt, or fear.  Ask yourself: what are you afraid will happen once these are gone?  Do you fear being rejected?  Unloved?  Abandoned?  Enmeshed with another person?  If you acknowledge the ways you are self-sabotaging in your areas of growth, you no longer will be able to use your character defects as excuses or justifications.  You will need to face the pain connected to these fears.

Acknowledge the areas in which you will feel deprived and not want to release these character defects.

You’ve been working on maintaining your sobriety from quite some time.  And if that weren’t enough, this step asks you to remove other coping mechanisms through giving up your character flaws.  This can be a scary process.  Practicing humility and dependence on God and your support system are crucial at this point.  You need them to move from just understanding these flaws into making a change in your behaviors and attitudes.

List each character defect with the corresponding positive quality that can replace it.

Often the coping strategies we’ve used to survive that have turned into flaws in our adulthood are two sided: they have both a light side and a dark side.  Identify the “light” side of each of your character flaws: see your defects and become aware of how you can use them for good or replace them with more adaptive behaviors or qualities you want to embody.  This could be moving from mistrust to trust, or allowing yourself to be human rather than trying to be superhuman.  Begin to seek opportunities to live out these positive characteristics.

Invite God into the process.

As this step expresses in its phrasing, God is a crucial part of this process.  Invite God through prayer to illuminate the areas where you feel resistant to letting go.  Ask God if He will stay with you despite knowing all your flaws.  Scripture reminds us that God saved us when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8), so He likely knows them already and still chose relationship with you.  If you don’t feel fully willing to let go of these flaws in character, pray and ask God to change your heart.

Invite your sponsor or trusted guide in.

Share this process with your sponsor.  Ask your trusted guide or your friends in recovery if they know of other areas of weakness or character difficulties to which you are still clinging.  They may have faced similar character issues in their personal journeys and have ideas on how to resolve them.  Ask for help and support through this process.

5 Lies Female Sex and Love Addicts Believe

Jane thought tonight would be just like any other night.  She got home from work, made dinner, tucked the kids in to bed, and went upstairs to send a few work emails.  Her husband was traveling, but she was feeling good about how she kept the house from falling into chaos while he was gone.

She started out by reading through her emails, but as she began to feel more stress surrounding her responsibilities both in her family and at work, loneliness and anxiety hit.  Before she knew it, she had clicked over to a few porn websites.  Hours passed flipping through these websites in the blink of the eye before Jane fell exhausted into bed to get a few hours of sleep before the kids woke up.

When her alarm clock startled her awake in just a few short hours, feelings of dread and shame washed over her.

Why does this have such a hold on me?  I shouldn’t want this so much.  I wish I could just stop.

This chorus of internal voices is often a familiar friend to the addict.  The pull of a behavior that can’t be stopped.  The helplessness that comes with another slip or relapse.  The discrediting of victory that occurs when temptation hits once again.

These voices cut at the core of the identity of the female sex and love addict.  They can rip at her self-esteem until the only relief she can find comes in the form of acting out in her addiction again, which can provide a fleeting sense of affirmation and comfort.

But that isn’t the end of the story.

Each of these beliefs that echoes so strongly in the mind of an addict has a contrasting reality that provides an antidote to the pain associated with the negative thoughts.  In the midst of the struggle, these truths are often clouded out by shame and feel impossible to believe.  My hope is that, by reminding you of these realities, they would begin to grow louder than those critical and shaming words in your mind.

If this is an issue you struggle with, do you connect with these voices?  Do the following words sound familiar to you at all?

“This is a man’s issue.”

Media portrayals and common conversation indicate that men primarily view pornography or struggle with sex addiction.  However, research has shown that 1 in 3 visitors to porn websites is female, and that number is likely on the rise.  This dispels the myth that you are the only woman who struggles with this, and in fact, you likely know other women who share this secret struggle.

The reality: Men and women both struggle with this issue.

“I’m dirty.  I must be a [choose your own derogatory term].” 

It is a common cultural message that men are celebrated for their many sexual conquests, while women are shamed for similar sexual behavior.  This has led to a tightening of morality on women in many ways.  While that cultural message is in the process of changing, it can still be stigmatizing for a woman to admit her sexual desire.  The reality is, a woman needs to embrace her own sexuality and sexual desire as part of healing from addiction.

The reality: Sexual desire is a good and healthy response – it is what we do with desire that can derail us.

“There is something wrong with me.” 

Belief in a fundamental flaw is a common thought that occurs for women.  Combining the two lies mentioned above, the female addict can believe that there is something wrong with her for having a desire to engage in sexual behaviors.  Further stigma can come from the supposed lack of self-discipline that makes it feel difficult to stop.  Overgeneralizations and stereotypes abound that feed the flame of self-condemnation.

The reality: I am not defective.  There is no fundamental flaw in me that has caused this addiction.

“It is impossible to stop.  I’ll never be free from this addiction.” 

It is a common behavior for addicts to try their hardest to stop their behavior several times to no avail.  One basis for this difficulty is neurochemical changes that have occurred in the brain that create a sort of superhighway for your brain to travel down when triggered by your addiction.  However, those neurochemical changes don’t have to be permanent – the brain can change with deep, focused work.  Doing the work of recovery from addiction provides that deep focus that can rewire the brain to experience freedom.

The reality: This doesn’t have to last forever.  The brain wiring of addiction can be changed with focused recovery work.

“I am alone.”

This is the most insidious lie of all.  Addiction can be extremely isolating – it is an intimacy disorder after all.  All the previous lies can create a feeling for addicts that they must hide themselves, masking their struggles and pain, letting no one know of their struggles.  But this creates a cycle where addicts feel increasingly isolated because they aren’t able to connect with others who share their experience.  Reaching out to a recovery group or a trusted friend gives you a place to go with your pain.

If you’re reading this and you struggle with sex and love addiction, this is the reality I want you to hear loud and clear:

You are not alone.

This article was originally posted on February 16, 2017.

Re-Writing Your Story of Shame

What are ten words you can use to describe yourself?  We’ve often encountered this exercise in school or in the workplace.  Typically these descriptions are roles we play (mother, sister, friend) or our profession (writer, teacher, therapist).  They may include adjectives like friendly or confident.

How would this exercise change if you identify ten negative labels you associate with yourself?  It could include words you fear others think about you, or that plague your thoughts in your most anxious or insecure moments.  These words come from a place of shame within you.  Words like impostor.  Addict.  Depressed.  Alone.

You may be aware of racial or gender stereotyping you face personally or that you’ve seen others encounter.  Maybe you’ve even labeled others quickly in your own mind, not thinking of the consequences of those labels.  Labelling others is a psychological shortcut called a heuristic, which is a way our mind sorts new information so that it doesn’t tax our brain as much.  But these heuristics influence stereotypes, which have implications for performance and expectations of ourselves and others.

Labels are particularly potent in addiction.  The labels associated with addiction are often damaging and hurtful.  The words themselves don’t cause the damage: it’s the stereotypes around the behaviors or character qualities associated with the labels.

You are not defined by your diagnosis.

Take a look at this TEDx talk from Adi Jaffe about his experience with labels and shame.  (Warning: there is an instance of coarse language at the end of the talk.)

How can you take a step into “rebranding” your own shame-filled labels?

Make your mental illness your superpower.

As Jaffe noted, the stigma of his diagnosis of ADHD had the potential to limit him from achieving his goals.  Instead, he chose to see the benefits of his ADHD: it allows him to multitask and think creatively about the work he does as a psychologist.

“You might just find that your disorder is your biggest gift.”

Make a list of the gifts your addiction or mental illness has given you.  For example, addiction was a survival method that got you through past experiences of pain or harm.  Perhaps your anxiety has allowed you to plan for possible negative outcomes and have more realistic expectations.  Wrestling through depression may have given you the ability to help others who struggle with grief or sadness when others don’t understand what it feels like.  Healing from mental illness teaches you skills in self-care and emotional awareness, which can impact your coping with stress.

Talk about your mental illness.

Jaffe took a huge step of bravery in sharing his own story of cocaine addiction and rehab on the TEDx stage on the campus where he teaches.

Share your story of mental illness with someone else around you.  You’d be surprised how many people are dealing with the same thing, even though on the surface they don’t show it.  The more you talk about your unique experience of mental health issues, the broader the definition of your label becomes.  You have the power to change the way people think about depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other label that is often stereotyped and misunderstood.

Take quality care of yourself.

One of the most insidious messages people with mental illness hear is that they are somehow weak for having it, or they have brought it upon themselves.  Jaffe quotes a statistic from his study that says 75% of individuals avoid getting help because of shame, stigma, or inability to share their pain with others.  There is no reason to punish yourself for your struggles with mental health by avoiding help or thinking you just have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

Do what you need to live a healthy life, even if others perceive it as weakness.  If you consciously choose not to dictate your self-care by what others think, then those who share your label will see you as a role model and emulate your more healthy life.  Practice self-care.  See a therapist.  Take a nap, for goodness sake.  Do whatever it is you need to do to be a healthier version of yourself.

Be conscious of how you label others.

This is an area I need to be wary of as a therapist who has the power to diagnose my clients. It informs my intentional decision to approach each of my clients with a unique and individualized treatment plan.  As an example, if I start to see all of my clients with sex and love addiction as the same, they will be short-changed and not get adequate treatment for their personal needs.  I strive to see each one of my clients as a person rather than as a diagnosis and treat them accordingly.

If we deal with people by their label, we run the risk of relating to them as a concept but not a person.

Pay attention to what labels you tend to place on others you interact with day-to-day, along with stereotypes that go with each label.  Notice how you tend to make assumptions, whether right or wrong, about their behaviors or thoughts.  Give yourself grace for this – it’s literally a function of our brain that helps us to survive! But become more aware of your own stereotypes and seek to learn more about the people you label.

A Toddler’s Guide to Mindfulness

Have you ever watched what toddlers do or listened to what they talk about?  There’s something special about the way children interact with the world.  As adults, we can become consumed by timelines and schedules and priorities.  But those things don’t matter to kids – they see things through different eyes.

Before I became a therapist, I worked for a few years as a childcare provider for young children.  One 2-year-old I watched was notorious for getting easily distracted – a simple walk along the sidewalk could take what felt like ages, as he would stop every few feet to point out an insect, pick up a rock, or comment on the leaves scattered around the neighbor’s yard.

One day, I followed him up the stairs so he could get dressed, chatting about what we were going to do that morning.  In my mind, I was planning each step for our entire day, almost by the minute.  To be honest, I was rushing him a bit too.  (We were going upstairs, which is always a several minute production for a toddler learning to climb...and always having to do everything without my help.)

I started listing off our plans for the day.  "Okay, after we get dressed we're going to get ready to drive in the car, and then we're going to go to Target to get something and look at the Christmas trees, and then we'll have our playdate, and then..."  The little one suddenly stopped on the stairs and said, "NO."  I assumed he meant he didn't want to leave the house, so I started reminding him of all the fun things we were going to do and how he would have to leave in order to do those things.  He stopped me again, and said:

"No.  Getting dressed upstairs."

And it hit me.

While I was fluttering around thinking about all the things we were going to do that day, this little one was focused on the one thing right in front of him.

Which was, evidently, going upstairs to get dressed.  Honestly, I was probably overwhelming him by hitting him with all these plans and ideas when he could only handle thinking about one thing at a time.

How often do we do this in our lives?  We mentally jump so far ahead into the future and end up trying to juggle thinking about 27 things at once.  For me, it can start simply, where I'm thinking about whatever's coming next in my day.  Or it can happen on a long-term level, where I analyze my career or my relationships.  Or deeper still than that: I can feel such concern over my dreams and ambitions, or my fears of failure, or not measuring up to a professional or spiritual standard.  These worries can cripple me in a place of discouragement and hopelessness at my lack of progress.

And just like this 2-year-old, if I let all those worries flood into my mind, I get overstimulated, overwhelmed, and I shut down.

This moment spoke a truth to me that I needed to embrace at that point in my life: just stop.  Stop trying to figure out every detail.  Stop trying to think about the next big thing, the next stage I want to enter in life, or all those questions that I feel the need to have answered.  Let go of the obsessive anxiety and attempts at gaining control over my circumstances, which I think will keep me safe and protect me from harm.  The pride I had in believing I could control my life was being shaken by the wisdom of a toddler.

The truth reinforced in me that day was this: when we become caught up in negative thoughts about the past, or worries about the future, we lose sight of the beauty of the present moment.  We miss all that is happening right in front of us when we’re caught up in those stresses.  While planning and creating a vision for the future has a time and place, on a day-to-day basis, it is important to take things just one step at a time.  When we choose to be mindful of the present moment, we experience fewer negative emotions, less stress, increased focus and memory, less emotional reactivity, happier relationships, and plenty of other health benefits.

When I walk in the present moment of life, I feel so much more gratitude for the things around me.  I experience the grace that comes with knowing I don't have to have it all together, and I don't have to be perfect or achieve all the things I desire to achieve in my life.   And I can rest in the simplicity of life where I'm not always rushing ahead to the next thing and trying my hardest to control every outcome.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

Who knew a 2-year-old would have a wiser outlook on life than I would.

One step at a time.

This article was originally posted on February 9, 2017.

Step Five: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

You’ve now done the grueling work of self-assessment involved in Step Four.  While Step Four can feel like a battle to work through your character defects, the Fifth Step may be even more challenging.  It involves bringing another person into your story, allowing them to hear the full extent of your wrongs, and being open to receiving their acceptance of you.

In this process, you’ll face your denial by admitting to yourself the extent of your wrongs.  You’ll also be acknowledging God in this step, who knows the full extent of your wrongdoing, beyond what you are aware of yourself at this time.  Rest in the truth that God, knowing all your wrongdoing ahead of time, chose to love you, accept you, and offer you forgiveness despite all of it (Romans 5:8).

Why is the Fifth Step important?

Addiction is driven by shame and isolation.  For women struggling with sex and love addiction, these two categories are intermixed: shame about struggling with what is a “man’s issue” leads women to withdraw from others who may be able to relate to them.  They then feel lonely and hopeless, drawing them back into the false intimacy of the addiction.  Having someone who knows your story gives you a break from the loneliness you’ve experienced in your addiction.

When you share your fearless moral inventory, you’re able to receive community and acceptance in a way you’ve likely never experienced.  Words of encouragement from the listener can change the negative internal monologue you have with yourself and provide new vocabulary to be kind to yourself.  Confessing these wrongs helps you to leave behind the double life of addiction and come out of hiding, releasing the burden of your secrets.  It establishes trust with God, yourself, and others.

It is essential to review your Fourth Step with complete honesty in the presence of another person to experience healing.  Whatever we are holding back can become a stronghold that drives us back into the addictive behavior.  It is important to express every detail, even if it is difficult to do so.

How to Work The Fifth Step

Bring your fearless moral inventory to God.

In order to successfully complete the Fifth Step, you must rely on God as your strength.  This task is too daunting to complete on your own, which is why the Second and Third steps precede it.  We need to be fully honest with ourselves and God to see that he loves us and accepts us, meaning we are lovable and worthy of care.  This offers an extra layer of support in case our trusted individual with whom we share our moral inventory does not respond how we expect or need.  Humans are imperfect, but God is perfect and will be able to provide all the compassion and support you need.

Remind yourself of the truth that God was with you and loved you even when you were in the darkest and deepest moments of your addiction.  If he was with you in those desolate places, he will certainly be with you as you step out in sharing them with someone else.

Release any denial or self-deception that may still linger.

After completing your fearless moral inventory, sit with a journal and record any reactions, emotions, or experiences you’ve had as a result.  Imagine sitting across from your trusted individual to share your inventory and write down the sensations, thoughts, or feelings you might have in that situation.  Pay special attention to any areas of defensiveness or fear that may be plaguing your mind.  Notice if there are any parts of your story that you are planning to leave unsaid or ignore in the course of the discussion.

Remember that, in order to see the full effects of completing the Fifth Step, it is essential to share the full extent of your knowledge about your character defects.  As you notice areas where you get stuck, explore if you are struggling with self-deception or denial.  Rid yourself of excuses you make to hide or avoid acknowledging the painful parts of your inventory.

Acknowledge (and receive!) the good as well as the bad.

In the course of completing your moral inventory, you were asked to write not only the character defects and wrongs you’ve committed, but also the positive aspects of who you are.  This can be the most difficult part of the process for some, as it directly contrasts messages of shame.  But it is necessary both for you to acknowledge and claim these positive characteristics within yourself and to hear your trusted individual share words of kindness and encouragement.  It can also be helpful to engage with Scriptural truths that remind you of your identity in Christ and the positive aspects of who you are because of God.

Set up 2-3 scheduled sessions with your trusted individual to share your inventory.

Select a person who you can trust to hear your moral inventory and provide encouragement and confidentiality.  This can be a sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual mentor, or a therapist.  It is generally discouraged to have this individual be a family member, spouse, or individual who has been directly affected by your behaviors – having a neutral audience can help you to feel more comfortable with being completely honest and prevents further harm.  Make sure this person can identify your deepest feelings related to your inventory and reflect them back to you.

Honestly share your fearless moral inventory with your trusted individual.

Outline for this individual each aspect of your inventory of character weaknesses.  When discussing actions, describe what you did, when you did it, and what you were thinking or feeling when doing it. Include information not only about acting out behaviors, but about other areas of your life where these weaknesses have affected you.  Stating these items out loud can help you to break through denial.

Expect fears of rejection to come up in you.  You’ve likely never been this vulnerable with anyone in your life.  It makes sense that this would feel terrifying.  Remind yourself that the person with whom you’re sharing will feel honored by your choice to be genuine with them.

Be open to hearing about your trusted individual’s personal journey and similar actions or feelings they may have experienced.  It helps you to feel a little less alone in your recovery journey.  It also creates support as you feel that your experience is more normal than you initially thought. 

Continue to come back to this step in the future.

Remember that you will continue to discover new aspects of your character, both positive and negative, throughout your lifetime.  Accept the fact that you will continually need to come back to this inventory and have additional conversations with your trusted individuals in the years of recovery to come.  Do not feel the pressure to have 100% of your character defects figured out at this point: offer what you are able, and trust that the rest will come out in the process.