From Resilience to Transcendence: How to Use Adversity to Live a More Purposeful Life

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How is it that some people faced with adversity or difficult life circumstances seem to thrive while others get stuck in their pain?  Why do some struggle with troubling memories, bitterness, or sadness while others faced with the same circumstances seem to be more settled?

The answer to this question boils down to resilience.

In this Tedx talk, Dr. Gregg Steinberg talks about his interviews with individuals who have faced difficult life circumstances and come out stronger than before.  He proposes a 5-stage process to achieve super-resilience, or transcendence.  While I have some misgivings with his presentation, I believe that there are portions of what he says that we can learn from.

As a trigger warning: Dr. Steinberg tells a story about miscarriage, as well as other stories of loss.  If these topics are particularly painful for you, I recommend skipping the video and reading the commentary below.

What I Do Agree With

It is possible to turn hardship into an opportunity for growth.

Pain and adversity have the potential to create significant growth in our lives.  Post-traumatic growth is the concept that those who are able to endure adversity and the psychological effects of it can see positive growth.  This growth is related to a broader perspective and greater understanding of themselves and the world around them.

This research is especially impactful for partners of addicts, in particular those who face sex and love addiction.  For the spouse or significant other of an addict, the reality of the pain and trauma experienced after discovery can feel crippling.  What worsens the traumatic response is the fact that the partner of the addict did not cause the addictive behavior – often it stems from the addict’s past experiences and trauma.  Yet while dealing with this unexpected discovery is incredibly painful, there is hope for a more fulfilled life after working through this adversity.

Physiological symptoms give us hints that we need a change in our lives.

How often do you check in with your body to notice your breath, the sensations of tension or tightness you might feel, or where emotions are located in your body?  Unless you regularly engage in yoga, meditation, or therapy where you are prompted to observe these indicators, likely your body sensations are outside of your conscious awareness.  Dr. Steinberg talks about his own experience of stress having an effect on his physical health and indicates that adversity has significant effects on your physiology, whether you’re aware of it or not.

Allow your body to speak to you about what you’re experiencing emotionally.  In his hallmark work The Body Keeps the Score*, Bessel van der Kolk speaks at length about how traumatic experiences are stored in our bodies.  Physical symptoms of stress include such common symptoms as headaches, insomnia, fatigue, chest pain, stomach issues, lowered immunity, and tense muscles. 

It is crucial to begin paying attention to your body and listening to what your symptoms are telling you about your current emotions and stress levels.  Begin a yoga or meditation practice to become more aware of your body sensations.  When you notice tension in your body, explore what you need in order to reduce your stress.

Living with purpose leads to greater fulfillment, happiness, and contentment through adversity.

We do not often welcome suffering.  It is painful and exhausting.  And yet when we engage in the greater perspective or purpose of the suffering we experience, we can find larger meaning to the adversity we face.  Finding purpose can happen in the midst of suffering or as a result of your trials and pain.

As you come to understanding the greater meaning of your life and begin living out of that purpose to love and help others, Dr. Steinberg mentions that you will grow in confidence and access skills you didn’t know you had.  Also, helping others can lead to gratitude, which directly impacts depression and anxiety. 

Things I Don’t Agree With

Oversimplifying the process of transcendence or post-traumatic growth.

Sweeping messages of hope and healing for those who are suffering through adversity can be encouraging, but what if you are one of the people who feels stuck?  When a “magic solution” of finding greater purpose and seeking transcendence is proposed, you can feel shame and beat yourself up for a negative experience outside the realm of “transcendence”.  You might believe that your pain and suffering is your own fault because you can’t access this higher purpose.

I recently attended a training for helping survivors of trauma using EMDR, a method to effectively process past traumatic memories that are haunting you in the present day.  During this training, the presenters continually returned to the concept of “it’s not you, it’s what happened to you.”  Recognize that the suffering you’re facing and the negative beliefs about yourself you re internalizing as a result of the suffering do not mean that you are fundamentally flawed or that something is wrong with you.  Instead, acknowledge that trauma is what happened to you, and allow yourself the care you need to heal from that trauma.

There is only one path possible to reach transcendence.

Dr. Steinberg presents a 5-step process to achieving super-resilience, or transcendence, where each step needs to be completed in the order they are presented.  Placing this structure around healing from trauma or achieving resilience is incredibly limiting.  Everyone is different, and I believe that each individual person has a unique path of healing from trauma and suffering.  There certainly may be similarities, but I do not believe you must go through this 5-step process to be healed.  Pay attention to which stages you connect with, pursue them, and leave the rest.

You need to face adversity, or have a “slap in the face,” to begin to live with purpose.

Adversity and crisis can certainly be clarifying and help you to know yourself better and discover a greater purpose.  However, you are not required to live through adversity in order to pursue your passions.  If you want your life to look different, sometimes it simply involves an intentional choice to live that way.

Evaluate your life regularly to identify the areas in which you could use a life makeover.  Where are you unhappy?  What have you always desired to do, but have lacked the time or courage?  What physical sensations do you experience that indicate you need a change?  Take one small step today to start down the road of living out that dream.

And Where I Have Mixed Feelings…

“Tragedy is a gift because it forces us to find our purpose.”

Yes and no.  Dr. Steinberg’s quotation about tragedy as a gift minimizes the emotional weight of tragedy and suffering.  It can lead to faulty thinking that I ought to be grateful for my suffering and have a positive outlook all the time, which isn’t realistic for painful emotions.  We need to acknowledge the true pain suffering causes.

At the same time, what we learn or take away from tragedy can be an opportunity for growth.  Tragedy refines us: it cuts through our daily stressors and nuisances to our cores and creates greater meaning and awareness of who we are.  We need to balance both the pain of the suffering and the goodness that can come from a more focused perspective.

A Real Couple Talks Sex and Love Addiction with a Marriage Therapist

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For couples seeking to heal from sex and love addiction, the process can be exhausting and difficult.  Addicts need to process their own pain, handle their spouse’s trauma, and have patience in the trust-rebuilding process.  Partners of addicts must address the pain of betrayal, decide whether or not to stay in the relationship, and deal with the consequences of whichever decision they make.

A recent podcast I’ve been listening to is Where Should We Begin?, a series of one-time couples sessions with renowned couples therapist Esther Perel.  Imagine my delight when I came across a session with a couple dealing with sex and love addiction.  I immediately thought about how helpful this conversation would be for my couples.

A few disclaimers before I encourage you to listen.  Esther is not a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.  Early in the podcast, she claims that there is little research support for sex addiction as an addiction similar to drug or alcohol addiction.  In fact, there is indeed a growing body of research indicating that brain changes occur in sex and love addicts similar to those of substance addicts.

Also, this podcast addresses the issues of this particular couple.  As a couple with your own unique story, you may have different struggles in communication or needs for healing.  For example, this particular couple was recommended to include more touch in their interactions, but that may not be appropriate for you if touch makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.  Don’t take the advice she gives in this podcast as a “must do” for you in your relationship, but instead seek to apply the general principles to your own relationship.

Finally, this podcast contains strong language and mature themes.

Contains mature themes] They're grandparents, with a 40-year love story and a stable, happy marriage. But one of them had quite a few secrets. Esther gives them some tools to navigate and support each other's experiences.

Here are a few thoughts I have for both the addict and the partner.

For the Addict

You need to seek healing for the pain your addiction allows you to avoid.

A pivotal moment in the recording is when the husband admits he feels sad all the time, which the therapist points out as an emotion from childhood.  Taking away the addiction, which provided a way out from feeling pain of past abuse or current circumstance, meant he would feel the pain more deeply.  As an addict, you need to understand what you did was hurtful, and that it was done in an attempt to find healing from the past.

There is a delicate balance between taking responsibility and being consumed by shame.

Addiction is a shame-based disorder.  As a result, the addict’s typical default mode is one of shame and self-blame.  The abuse this addict experienced in his past taught him that he deserves to be punished or harmed because he is bad.  These shaming beliefs make it particularly difficult to feel appropriate guilt and take responsibility because of the pain they create.

It's time to integrate the good and the bad.

One of my favorite phrases with my clients is to remind them that there’s always an “and.”  There are two sides to every situation, both the light and the dark, the good and the bad.  Those coexist, and don’t need to be divorced from one another.  When the addiction was going strong, the “good” and “bad” selves were kept very separate.  Now you are tasked with integrating these two sides together into an understanding of the self that is realistic and kind.

Your spouse needs to have his or her pain acknowledged and understood, rather than hearing “I’m sorry” all the time.

Self-absorption is the name of the game with the addict.  In order to engage in the addictive behaviors without regret, the addict has to cut off empathy or compassion for their spouse.  In this case, the husband was still focusing inward as he explored his abuse and hadn’t adequately connected with the wife’s pain.  As you seek to rebuild trust in your marriage, you need to step out of your own pain and acknowledge the hurt of your spouse.  Your spouse needs to know you understand how hard it was for them before you can move forward.

For the Partner

It’s normal to be blindsided by the disclosure of addiction.

In the podcast, the wife makes comments like, “I thought I had the perfect marriage” and “I never knew anything was wrong.”  Addicts become adept at hiding their compulsive behaviors and putting on a mask.  If this happened to you, you are not alone.

Because of increasing acceptance of divorce, it is becoming more of a stigma to stay in the relationship and make it work.

Friends, family, even clinical professionals might encourage you to leave the relationship after a spouse’s revelation of sexual addiction.  They might not understand why you’ve chosen to stay if you are able to separate or divorce.  The lack of understanding can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.  While the addict is getting support from therapy or 12 Step groups, the partner also needs significant support.

It is difficult to separate the person from the behavior, but it is important to see them as separate.

Because of the significant betrayal, the perceived narrative about the relationship has been shattered.  The partner begins to distrust her own perceptions not only about the addiction, but also about any positive or good moments in the relationship.  It is important to, as much as possible, see the addict’s behaviors and his identity as separate entities.  The addict’s actions speak to his destructive, addictive behavior, but that does not invalidate the good in him or her.  Similar to what I mentioned earlier for the addict, keep in mind the important of the “and” – good AND bad likely coexist in your spouse.

The addict can’t promise they’ll never act out again.

This is a frightening concept for many couples as they face recovery.  The pain of the discovery leads partners to threaten divorce if the spouse ever acts out again.  But in the course of addiction, there’s a chance of slips or full-on relapses.  The couple has to make a choice that they’ll face the risk together.  As a partner, rebuilt trust doesn’t come from empty promises, but instead from assurance in your spouse’s recovery work and process of setting boundaries.

It is incredibly important to name your needs.

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As your spouse seeks rebuild trust in whatever ways they can, they cannot accurately predict what helps you to feel safe and secure in the relationship.  It is a marriage myth that once you are married, you should know everything your partner needs.  Examine why you might be reluctant to share your needs as you look at parts of your story where it wasn’t okay for you to ask for what you needed.  Know that in asking for your needs, you will likely feel vulnerable – this is normal.  Seek to risk in trusting your partner with what you need. 

There is hope to turn this tragedy into a triumph.

The Effect of Sex and Love Addiction on Your Brain and Body (And How to Change It!)

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Those who debate against the existence of sex and love addiction use the claim that because there is no substance taken in, there is no clear physiological basis for addiction.  But interestingly enough, research on brain scans of self-identified sex and love addicts show similar damage to those of cocaine addicts.

Our brains change over time based on what they are exposed to and what self-rewarding patterns they form.  In order to understand sex and love addiction more fully, it is important to know more about what particular neurochemicals are at play.

Dopamine

Have you ever gotten the rush of joy when you hear your favorite song on the radio?  How about when you eat a delicious meal?  The chemical that creates that reaction in your brain is dopamine.  Dopamine is the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, causing a rush of good feelings when you do something exciting or rewarding. This rush can be intoxicating, leading to a desire to continue whatever activities caused it.

Sex is one of the greatest generators of dopamine, giving a boost of euphoria.  Dopamine increases the sex drive, is released during orgasm, and activates the brain’s pleasure centers. During sexual activity, dopamine floods the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain involved in impulse control and decision-making. When the dopamine system is active, pain and displeasure are numbed.

According to Stefanie Carnes, dopamine plays a role in the escalation of addiction. As the addict engages in more risky sexual behavior, tolerance for dopamine begins to grow.  It takes more risky behavior to continue feeling the same effects.  This flood of dopamine can impair judgment, particularly in young adults under the age of 25, whose prefrontal cortex is not fully developed.

Chronic exposure to compulsive sexual activities can reduce natural levels of dopamine, and non-sexual ways of receiving dopamine become less effective. At the same time, the addict gets a more intense “high” from their behaviors because his or her brains is highly sensitized to the neurotransmitter.  The more often the addict turns to compulsive sexual behaviors, the more that pattern of getting dopamine gets engraved into the neural connections in their brain.

Oxytocin and Vasopressin

The hormone oxytocin works as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  It is produced by skin-to-skin physical contact, which means it abounds during sexual activity. It is also present in the early stages of relationships and falling in love.  It promotes bonding in relationships and feelings of associated with long-term commitment.  It can increase empathy and provides an antidote to depressive feelings.

With all the benefits of oxytocin, no wonder it is a powerful stress reliever and can add to the addictive pull.  When compulsive sexual behaviors happen, this rise in levels of oxytocin can cause the sex and love addict to continually seek out that rush of closeness felt in the early stages of a relationship.  As a new physical relationship starts, oxytocin leads to forgetfulness of previous bonding experiences.

Vasopressin is a neurochemical similar to oxytocin released in order to create greater experiences of bonding in romantic relationships.  This fosters protectiveness and pair bonding.

Delta Fos-B

When the rush of dopamine and oxytocin hits, the brain begins to change.  Researchers have noticed greater sensitivity in the addict to triggers and cravings, which intensifies the response to the addictive substance. The reason for his may be ∆ Fos-B, a protein that accumulates after compulsive use of sexual behaviors. This protein accumulates each time the addictive behavior is practiced, and it can cause changes to the dopamine system.  The buildup of this protein affects lack of enjoyment of the addictive sexual activities, as well as cravings that linger even after years after maintaining sobriety.

How Do I Change my Brain?

Fortunately, the same neuroplasticity that caused the brain to adapt to the changes brought about by an addict’s behavior contradicts the idea that once an individual becomes an addict, he or she is always an addict.  In the same way that neuronal connections were made in the first place, those same neuronal connections can be changed as you begin to practice new behaviors and stop using the old patterns.  There is hope for those who are willing to work to change their compulsive behaviors and obsessive thoughts.

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The first step involves identifying non-addictive sources of dopamine or oxytocin.  As Paula Hall discusses in her video about sex addiction recovery, you can think of your brain like a map, where the road to addictive behaviors is deeply carved into the landscape.  You need to begin looking to take other roads to receive the emotional boost that dopamine brings, like practicing self-care or engaging in hobbies you enjoy.  Oxytocin comes from physical touch, so increasing amounts of physical touch in your life through your spouse, children, family, or friends may be a helpful way to receive that oxytocin.

Step Four: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

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This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

In Step Four, it’s easy to hit another roadblock in recovery work.  This is the biggest overhaul of your present-day life since Step One, requiring a significant amount of work and humility to fully engage the question: what are my areas of deepest moral weakness?  What are my character defects that I’ve been trying for years to keep secret from everyone, including myself?

While this inventory is certainly a difficult component of your recovery, it is incredibly important on the road to facing reality.  You must break through any last vestiges of denial, hold up the mirror to yourself and get to know who you really are, flaws and all.  Step Four looks not only at the external behaviors listed in Step One, but also at the internal thoughts, emotions, motivations, and beliefs that drive the addictive behavior.

This is an intense and painful process as you grieve the pain of the life you’ve lived.  Be sure to have support from your sponsor and 12 Step group during this step.  By looking at the truth of who you are, you can then begin to open the door for grace, forgiveness and acceptance.  Rather than continuing the pattern of self-hatred and shame that drives you back into addiction and self-destruction, you must accept the grace and forgiveness that God is already offering you.  You need to uncover the truth from beneath the blanket of lies you’ve cast over it.

What is a searching and fearless moral inventory?

The Green Book of Sex Addicts Anonymous* defines it as “a systematic examination of all the beliefs, feelings, attitudes, and actions that have shaped our lives from our earliest years.”  This process allows you to re-evaluate areas of your life to see how you’ve been basing your decisions on distorted beliefs, intense negative emotions, and past traumatic experiences.

It also calls you to pay attention to aspects of your character that have harmed yourself or others.  These character defects are common to every human, but this step gives you the opportunity to take an honest look at them and begin to change.

How do I work this step?

Create an appointment date and time with your sponsor to share your inventory.

Before you get started, connect with your sponsor or another trusted individual with whom you will share the information once you’ve completed this step.  This appointment will help create accountability to complete the step and provide a place for discussing the intense emotions that come up as you write.  Your sponsor can also ask you thought-provoking questions that will help you if you get stuck.

Write it out.

Just as if you were writing out an inventory of products in a store, it is most effective to have a written document of your moral inventory.  Schedule time set aside to write it.  It is often best to complete the Fourth Step in several sittings, rather than trying to get it all out at once.  Tackling the entire step in one sitting will be overwhelming.  Also, coming back to review your inventory after a break may help you notice patterns or behaviors that you didn’t see before.

Focus on categories of emotion or behavior.

In The Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps*, Patrick Carnes delineates several areas of focus for a moral inventory.  Take some time to look both at the good side and the bad side of each of the following areas:

  • Personal responsibility – Where did I choose not to take responsibility for what I should have?

  • Anger – How did my anger drive my behaviors?

  • Fear – Where in my life have I been motivated out of fear?

  • Self-sabotage vs. taking risks – Where did I set myself up for failure? Where was I too afraid to take a risk?

  • Shame vs. pride – What are the moments where I felt the most shame? What moments do I feel proud of?

  • Losses and grief – What are the major losses I’ve faced over my lifetime? What have I learned from those losses?

  • Unworthiness and self hatred vs. self-affirmations – What are the words I use to beat myself up? What are the positive words I tell myself?

  • Dishonesty toward self or others – Where have I lied outright or failed to express the whole truth? Where have I started believing the lies?

Complete a sexual history.

Within sexual addiction, your behaviors developed out of an awareness of your own sexuality and interactions around sex.  Taking a sexual history can help you to understand why you chose these certain paths of acting out.  Also, traumatic experiences of abuse or harm can transform into our abuse or harm of others through addictive behaviors.  Take stock of where you may have harmed others in the course of your addiction.

Connect with painful emotions.

Emotions are more likely to come to the surface in this step as you begin to dig deeper into your story.  Feelings like fear, anger, sadness, joy, envy, loneliness, and shame will be present.  As you connect with these emotions, pay attention to how you’ve responded to them in the past.  Have they triggered addictive behaviors?  Have they ruled your life and controlled your decisions?

Seek to understand your motivations.

Due to the distorted thought patterns associated with addiction, it can be easy to miss how often you behave in a way to feed your addiction without knowing it.  Even altruistic or positive behaviors that have a motivation toward feeding your addiction can be destructive.  Take a close look at how you exploited people, situations, behaviors, or environments to satisfy your addictive needs, even if you weren’t aware of that motivation at the time.

Pay attention to the resentment, victim mentality, and entitlement in your addictive behaviors.

Resentment is a significant emotion that fuels addictive behaviors.  Resentment relates to feeling victimized, which leads to entitlement to act out in your addiction to make up for the perceived wrong.  Write honestly in your inventory about how you blame people, institutions, your environment, or other factors for your addictive behaviors.  Then address each item and see where you played a role in each of those areas of resentment.  Often you can find some behavior or response within yourself that may contribute to the pain you’ve experienced.

Honor the bad and the good in your moral inventory.

Many of the ways in which you’ve learned to cope with life have served you in some way or another – you wouldn’t do them if they didn’t work.  Therefore, they have a flip side that is positive.  For example, maybe you learned to read the emotions of your mother to avoid verbal abuse, which has led to avoidance of conflict with your spouse when you see anger arising in them.  However, this past wound has likely also led you to become more intuitive and aware of the emotions of others throughout your life, which is a gift.

When you honor the good alongside the bad, this creates space for self-compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.  Take time to practice gratitude for the good in your life rather than the addiction’s tendency to only see the bad.

Pay attention to new intuitions you’ve had since beginning recovery.

As you begin to hear others’ stories and absorb the literature of your 12 Step program, you’ve likely come across some concepts or stories that have struck a chord in you.  You may begin to become uncomfortable about behaviors or habits you’ve had your entire life.  What are you beginning to name as unhealthy or problematic in your behaviors?  What have you heard in others’ stories that has led you to believe that your thoughts and behaviors might be hindering you instead of helping you?  What has your sponsor cautioned you against doing?

Connect your story with unmet needs from childhood.

Often you adopt a certain style of living or addiction because it feeds something within you that wasn’t met in your childhood or where you received harm or trauma.  As you reflect on your moral inventory, connect with the child within to see what needs were being met by the addictive behaviors that weren’t met when you were younger.  This may be a good process to walk through with a professional counselor trained in trauma treatment, as these memories likely contain pain and shame.  It can be helpful here to identify your go-to fantasy or ideal partner and identify what needs or desires are being met by that fantasy.

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Remember that you can (and will need to) return to this inventory to alter or add more to it.

Your inventory is not a complete document the first time you finish it.  As you continue to work your recovery, you will continue to discover more about yourself that you will need to edit and change later.  Don’t put pressure on yourself to figure everything out on the first try.  Continue to return to this document regularly throughout the course of your recovery work and be willing to alter it as needed.

Self-Care Saturdays: Revitalize Your Relationship With God

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In light of Easter this past weekend, I’ve been reflecting on my personal experience of fostering relationship with God the past several years.  I’ve walked spiritual ruts and struggled to find the motivation or energy to connect with God.  I’ve had moments of joy and delight in my spiritual life as well.  As we know from Steps Two and Three in 12 Step recovery, relationship with God is a crucial component of healing and redemption.

What does relationship with God look like for you?

I love the terminology of relationship with God. I worry that others might see my faith as a type of religious exercise: I go to church, read my Bible, and “do the right thing.”  It feels like a checklist of what being religious means.  Sadly, it’s easy to miss the depth of my relationship with God, which is infinitely more valuable and motivating than any dry list of rules.

When I put my spiritual life in the context of relationship rather than rules, it takes on an entirely different flavor.  Relationship with God makes Him real to me.  I can grow closer to Him, learn more about Him, share my hopes and dreams, and feel comforted and cared for by Him.  In the Bible, God personifies Himself and uses relationships on earth as examples of His relationship with us. 

In moments when I am struggling with anxiety or depression, it isn’t a set of rules or following a religious structure that keeps me sane.  It’s trusting in a God who I know loves me and desires good for me, even when the good He gives doesn’t always match up with what I want.  It is a God who sees me, hears me, knows me, and provides for me as He says in Scripture.  When I open my eyes up to that God, I truly want to get to know Him better.

How do I get to know God in this way?

There have been books upon books written about spiritual disciplines, or ways that we can attempt to know God more fully.  (The Celebration of Discipline* by Richard Foster and Discovering Our Spiritual Identity* by Trevor Hudson are two personal favorites of mine.) I am certainly no expert on spiritual disciplines, but I can share ideas to jump start your relationship with God.

Identify what’s in the way of relating to God and submit it to Him.

What do you put in the place of God in your life?  What are the areas of your life that give you value, identity, or worth?  What, if taken away from you, would devastate you to the point where you wouldn’t feel like you could go on?  We all have a tendency to put things before God in our lives.  Timothy Keller calls this tendency idolatry, defining it by saying “it means turning a good thing into an ultimate thing.”

When I realize my heart's tendency to drift away from God toward other sources of identity or purpose, I can tell I’m moving toward idolatry.  When money, power, comfort, success, relationships, or any other area of my life becomes a higher priority than my relationship with God, I know I need to take a step back.  I need to acknowledge that each of those areas is a gift and a blessing from God, and not worship it in place of God.  I need to know that my value comes from my relationship with God alone, not from these areas.  An impactful resource in realizing my own struggles in this area has been the book Idol Lies* by Dee Brestin. 

Interact with the Word of God.

In order for us to have a relationship with God, we need to know Him.  The most straightforward way God has revealed Himself to us is through His word.  Bible study and reading is a regular way to get to know God.  But sometimes, reading the Bible can feel like a chore.

To break out of that rut, I’ve enjoyed reading the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) as if I’m getting to know the person of Jesus.  Take some time to imagine yourself in the scenes: what would it feel like to watch the crowds gathering around Jesus?  What would go through your mind when you saw him give blind men their sight, or heal the crippled?  Would you try to get close to Him?  What would you say to Him, if you could?

Meditating on Scripture can be another great practice to help you engage with the Bible.  Choose a passage or verse that speaks to you, and reflect on it in prayer.  Journal about it.  Practice lectio divina, a reflection practice walking through stages of engaging with Scripture.

Pick up a reading plan that works for you.  The Bible app has plenty of resources, but I also have recently been loving the First 5 app.  This resource provides studies and teachings specific to certain books of the Bible, and I appreciate the mix of Bible study and devotional.  I’ve also heard great things about The Bible Project, where each book of the Bible has an illustrated summary video to help you visualize the story in a new way.

Set aside time to rest and be with God, thanking Him and sharing your heart with Him.

Make space in your schedule to pursue relationship with God.  For some, this may look like a daily time set aside for prayer, journaling, and reading Scripture.  For others, this might look like an hour or two on a weekend spent with Jesus.  Maybe you can devote an entire Sabbath day to spend with the Lord.  Set aside time for “dates with Jesus” and spend time doing date-like activities with the Lord.

Prayer is an excellent way to communicate with God, but it doesn’t have to be kneeling down in a pew and saying the Lord’s Prayer.  Talk to God in the way you would talk to your best friend.  Journaling prayers is helpful if your mind tends to drift.  If the weather is nice, go outside and take a prayer walk, thanking God for the beauty of nature around you.

One aspect of prayer that has become more and more vital in my spiritual life has been gratitude.  Expressing gratitude to God for the gifts He’s given to me immediately puts perspective on difficult situations I’m facing or ways I feel unhappy about my life.  Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to foster this awareness of gratitude: no matter how difficult my life circumstance is, I can always make a list of 10 things I am grateful for.

Sacrifice generously to remind yourself that all is a gift.

We live in a world and a culture where we have more at our fingertips than at any time in the past.  Americans are in the upper tier of wealth in the world.  I tend to forget these facts when I’m worried about money or complaining about what I don’t have.  But if I can choose to use my privilege for the good of others through giving generously of my time, talents, and finances, I am reminded of how much I have and how it is all a gift from God.

Another way to access this awareness and gratitude for what we have is through fasting.  I’m not particularly fond of fasting from food: some people can do it well, but my blood sugar tanks and I feel terrible if I don’t eat.  But I can still choose to fast from other things, like coffee, TV, movies, restaurants…you name it.  I can use the time I would normally spend in these areas to spend with God and connect with Him. 

Seek out community with other Christians.

Connecting with other people who are curious about God and desiring to grow spiritually can be an immensely helpful way to build up your spiritual life.  The first step toward community is attending a local church and getting to know the members through volunteering or joining a Bible study.  As you begin to forge relationships with these other believers, you are able to see unique ways God is reflected in them.

As you build these relationships, you can have open and honest conversations with others about relationship with God.  You can share meals together, help one another in times of need, and receive support when you’re going through difficulties.  You can laugh together, cry together, and forge deep relationships that demonstrate the nature of relationship with God.

Invite God into your daily life.

Look for moments throughout your day when you can connect with God.  Maybe you can pray at the same time as completing a routine, mindless daily task, like brushing your teeth or waiting for your coffee to brew.  You can incorporate worship music into your daily commute or workout.  You can listen to sermons while doing busy work or cleaning.  Look for ways in which you can engage with God while you’re doing other tasks.

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As a warning: if any of these spiritual practices begin to feel like rules rather than a way to grow closer to God, give them a rest for a time.  Remind yourself that God is the one drawing you to relationship with Him, and that you aren’t responsible for making it happen.  There is nothing that you can do that will make God love you more - these are simply practices intended to lead to to greater awareness of His presence and felt closeness to Him.

How to Take Back Your Time And Live a Life You Love

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“I’m too busy.”

“I don’t have any time.”

“I wish there were more hours in the day.”

How many times have you said this?  Have you ever felt like you’ve had way too much on your plate?  Overwhelmed by your schedule and the to-do list each day?

I’ve certainly had these moments in my own life.  As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve found plenty of ways to fill my time with tasks, attempts at living the perfect life, or simply being busy.

Sadly, I believe that being “busy” is a hallmark of status in our world. I have a tendency to answer the question of “how are you?” with “busy,” with a hint of pride in my voice.  If I’m busy, that means I’m productive, I’m doing something worthwhile.  If I’m busy, it means that I have value and worth.

See how insidious that distorted belief is?

Laura Vanderkam is a researcher on time management who has written several books, including I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make the Most of Their Time.*  For this book, she tracked the lives of busy women who kept week-long time diaries.  She shares some of her interesting findings in this TED talk.

In listening to this talk and reading her book, I had a few different reactions.  First, I felt empowerment to make the most of my days.  It feels freeing to know that I have 72 hours of “free time” each week even if I sleep 8 hours a night and work 40 hours a week.  I like having permission to say no to something that doesn’t fit within my priorities list.

At the same time, I also felt shame surrounding how I currently spend my time.  I know I like to decompress by watching TV or playing a game on my phone.  I keep a clean house, which takes up more time than I’d like.  I enjoy unhurried mornings that involve staying in bed a little longer with a book.  Could I cut back on these activities to make more time?  Sure.  But I’ve also fallen into the trap of feeling as though I always have to be doing something productive with my time, which is exhausting.  Not enough time for rest and refreshment affects my well-being.  I’ve had to learn the importance of prioritizing rest.

Here’s some realistic takeaways I had from this talk that matter in my personal approach toward time management, and I hope will resonate with your personal struggle with time.

I have more time than I think.

When I look at the 168 hours I have in a week and the percentage of that contributed to free time, I am shocked at how much time I have.  I might not be aware that those hours are going by, but if I intentionally sit down to plan out my schedule, it’s clear how much time I actually have.  When I think about priorities or skills I want to be developing, setting aside an hour a week to focus on them suddenly seems doable.

I need to move from the victim mentality (“I’m too busy”) to the attitude of a responsible adult (“It’s not a priority”).

It feels really good to put myself as the victim.  If stress or anxiety in my life is due to circumstances or is someone else’s fault, then I don’t have to take a serious, hard look at what I’m doing to contribute to my own problems.  But if I truly want to make a change, I need to shift my mentality to look at ways I can take responsibility.  I need to acknowledge the reality, as Vanderkam mentions, that how I spend my time is my choice.  Framing time management as a choice helps me to stop making excuses and start implementing the change I desire in my life.

Thinking of the long game is more effective than focusing on the urgent.

I love the exercises Vanderkam mentions in her TED talk that involve looking at longer-term goals for your career and personal life.  As a sensing personality type on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I tend to lose the forest for the trees.  I focus more on the details or what’s right in front of me, which leads me to be distracted by tasks that seem urgent.  It’s a helpful reminder for me to focus on long-term goals as a way of re-centering on the change I want to make.

I have permission to prioritize what’s important to me, not anyone else.

Just because my friend or coworker is focused on climbing the career ladder doesn’t mean that I need to share that same ambition.  Maybe I’m really passionate about spending time with my family, weight-training, or cooking.  My desires of how to spend my time are not better or worse than anyone else’s, and I don’t need to compare myself as a way of minimizing my desires or puffing up with pride.  Instead, I need own my personal priorities and value them as important.

How I spend my time does not reflect on my value or worth.

The fact that we have an entire subculture of books, podcasts, and other media dedicated to productivity means that we have a tendency to value productivity to the point where it becomes an identity.  I notice myself slipping into this mentality if I go down the rabbit hole of productivity media.  I start to feel valuable or worthwhile when I’m being productive, but if I take time to rest and recharge, I feel worthless and lazy.  I heap shame on myself when I’m not being productive enough, and therefore I undervalue my need for rest.  In those moments, I need to step back and remind myself of the truth that my value comes from my relationship with God and who I am, not from my career success or productivity.

Making a weekly schedule with priorities in mind is important.

When in college, I started a habit of keeping a weekly schedule.  I’d write down what classes and activities I had, made a to-do list of tasks I wanted to complete each day, and tried to plan in downtime or rest.  While I’ve had varying degrees of success with this practice over the past several years, I remember how good it felt to have my day planned out for me, rather than having to make little decisions all day about what was important.

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In the context of setting priorities, I appreciate Vanderkam’s suggestion to sit down on Fridays and write out your schedule each week, putting your priorities in first.  This empowers me to say that my priorities are the most important part of my planning, and it makes sure that they’re included in the schedule.  It puts things that are a lower priority on the back burner.

How might you implement some of these skills for time management this week?  What are the takeaways you have from Vanderkam's TED talk?

One Game-Changing Tool to Approach Arguments as Opportunities for Intimacy in Marriage

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It’s a typical Saturday afternoon, and you’re wrapped in up in cleaning the house, watching a pot of soup on the stove, and attempting to keep your kids entertained.  Your spouse walks in the door to see Legos scattered around the floor, the debris left over from one of your many attempts at distraction.  Your spouse gives you a look that communicates, “did a bomb go off in here?”

You immediately feel a flood of anger coursing through your veins.  You snap at your spouse, irritated with their nonverbal insensitivity and criticism.  You start defending yourself, and meanwhile your spouse looks completely bewildered and caught off guard, like a deer in the headlights.

Little did you know in that moment, but that particular look on your spouse’s face was exactly the same as the look your father used to give you before he launched into a tirade about your irresponsibility and immaturity.  For a moment, your father’s face flashed before your eyes, not your spouse’s, and you were brought right back to the feeling of being a chastised child.

What is a trigger?

You’ve likely experienced moments like these in your life, where you’ve had an intense and strong emotional reaction to something that didn’t make sense.   These moments, referred to as triggers, are moments when you experience an intense and extreme emotional reaction that is disproportionate to the event that occurred.  Typically, these are brought on by memories of past experiences where you felt hurt, ashamed, guilty, or a range of other negative emotions.  Most often, triggers differ from person to person and are not easily predicted, and therefore can lead to arguments or miscommunication in marriage.

Talking about triggers is an integral part of learning to communicate more effectively in your relationships and have arguments that lead you to become more intimately connected with one another.

Wait a second – arguments that cause you to become more intimately connected?  That sounds like a mistake.

Guess what?  It’s not.

John Gottman, marriage researcher, prefers to talk about the concept of conflict “management” rather than conflict “resolution.”  Why’s that?  He found that 69% of conflicts couples have in their marriage are unresolvable – meaning that conflict resolution is a myth in 69% of arguments.

Instead, couples need to come to a place of compromise in their arguments.  The process of getting to compromise involves learning more about triggers in order to grow to understand your partner’s past.  As you get to know your partner’s experience, you’ll become more adaptive and empathetic to their needs, and more willing to make a compromise.  You’ll also feel known and understood as they learn your side of the story.

Sounds like a win-win after all!

How can I tell when I’m being triggered?

Step one to understanding triggers is understanding when you’ve been triggered.  This involves becoming aware of your emotional and physical reactions.  In the example above, you had no idea why you jumped from relatively neutral to raging in less than 3.6 seconds at the look on your spouse’s face.

If you were able to take a step back a little later when you had calmed your emotional arousal, you may have been able to gain more awareness of what emotion came up.  In the example above, you may have felt fear or defensiveness.  Triggers typically involve emotions or beliefs that are deeper under the surface, so uncovering them is a crucial process.

When you identify the emotion, ask yourself: what message does this emotion communicate to me?  If I could give the emotion a voice, what would it be saying?  In the example, the fear of defensiveness is saying that I’m worthless or not good enough.

Then, take a moment to ask yourself this question: when was the first time I remember feeling that way?  What is a significant time in my past when I remember having those thoughts?

Alternatively, think of that emotion or that belief and rewind the tape of your life back – what moments stand out to you as times when you truly believed that thought?  When that emotion was felt?

How do I communicate about triggers with my spouse?

Once you’ve calmed down enough to identify that trigger, then it’s time to communicate the trigger to your spouse.  This process mirrors Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight exercise, allowing you to name what you need.

First, talk to your spouse about how you felt in the moment about what happened. “I felt angry when you came home because it seemed as though you were judging me for the state of the house.”

Next, identify why that particular reaction was triggering to you.  “The look on your face reminded me of a look my father used to give me before yelling at me about how irresponsible I was.  Back then, I would feel afraid and believe that I was worthless and not good enough.”

Then, take responsibility for the disproportionate reaction: “I responded out of fear and defensiveness to you, even though you are not my father, and I don’t believe those words were what you were trying to communicate to me.  I am sorry for snapping at you and criticizing you.”

Finally, communicate what you will do in the future, as well as asking your spouse for help.  As an option, you can invite your spouse to suggest an idea for him or her to carry out.  “In the future, I will do my best to remind myself that you are not my father and that you are not commenting on my worth or value.  If you’re willing, it would be helpful for me to hear you say that you love me or offer to help.  Is that something you’re willing to try?”

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Notice how the interation above invites intimacy.  You have to step into the risk of sharing vulnerably a difficult part of your story that allows your spouse to get to know you better.  You humbly take responsibility for your fault in the matter, as none of us are without blame.   And it gives a solution-focused response on how to approach those conflicts in the future.

My hope is that you’ll begin to see your arguments with your spouse not as a signal that your relationship is falling apart, but as an opportunity to grow closer to one another and connect to one another’s worlds.

How to Deal with Triggers from the #MeToo Movement

It’s safe to say there’s been quite a bit of impactful news about women and sexual abuse in the media lately.  Fromthe women’s march in January 2017 and 2018, the #metoo movement that swept through social media, and the series of revelations of sexual harassment from male celebrities and ensuing consequences, it is clear that the rights of women are taking precedence in our world.  Locally, the MSU Nasser trial has been heating up in national media and the shock of the sheer numbers of victims has been appalling to many of us.

I’m not an expert in these news stories.  I’m not well read enough or as conscious as I could be.  But I do know that this increase in awareness of women’s issues can have some huge effects not only on our culture and our world, but on what I see in my office.  As I work with both my partners of sex addicts and female sex addicts themselves, I find that these news stories are triggering all sorts of past experiences of abuse or harm in their marriages or elsewhere. 

Here are some of the good things I see in the increasing conversation around women’s rights.

We are speaking out against sexual violence and abuse more than ever before.

You only have to turn on the TV or scroll through your news feed to see stories of women speaking out about sexual abuse and sexual violence.  If you’re a survivor of sexual abuse or harm, my hope is that this prevalence helps you to realize that you are not alone.  Sexual abuse has been kept a shameful secret for many women for too long.  In a culture that normalizes objectification of women, women can feel complicit in their sexual abuse, or as if they were at fault for the harm that was done to them.  To hear other women speaking out to say that sexual harassment and violation is wrong and that they are not at fault for what was done to them can give you confidence to know that the abuse was not your fault.

Objectification and oversexualizing of women in our culture is being called out.

I recently visited an auto tech in the area to get my tire pressure checked, and as I was leaving the facility, the male technician working on my car called me “sweetie.”  I don't believe he meant any harm by that comment, and in the past, I certainly wouldn’t have thought much of it.  In fact, I might’ve seen it as a compliment.  But in the wake of the cultural turmoil over women’s issues, I felt uncomfortable.  I realized how that tiny word was reflective of a cultural norm that subtly sexualizes women.

Pornography is another major component of the oversexualization of our culture.  Women in these films are viewed as sexual objects that are only meant to be used for gratification and pleasure.  Women are perceived to be welcoming of violent, abusive sexual acts.  A number of studies have shown a link between use of pornography and sexual aggression.  These films can communicate the myth that women enjoy sexual violence or aggression, and that her “no” is more of a “maybe.”

We are beginning to see gender inequality as an issue unconsciously in existence for longer than we previously thought.

According to author and sex addiction researcher Marnie Ferree at a talk I attended of hers this fall, violence in pornography is reflective of greater cultural issues that have been there long before the mass production of adult films.  The stereotypes appear in the sexual realm through these images, and they feed back into gender inequality.  Gale Dines, author of the book Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality*, talks about the impact of pornography on sexuality and outlines some of the stereotypes that have crossed into daily life.

 

I believe these are positive changes.  But at the same time, the growing conversation can be triggering for women who have experienced sexual abuse or harm, or whose husbands have been engaged in addictive sexual behaviors.  Areas that previously were ignored or pushed under the rug cannot be ignored any longer.  It is important for women who feel triggered by these news stories to both receive support from others and take action to care for themselves.  Here are some thoughts I have on ways to take action in response.

There is a needed shift toward speaking the unspoken cultural messages associated with being a woman.

A therapist friend shared this article with me that speaks about the unspoken cultural expectation that women have to feel uncomfortable and ignore their discomfort.  As women, we are brought up to believe that being uncomfortable is the norm: in order to be attractive, women have to wear tight clothes and high heels.  “At every turn, women are taught that how someone reacts to them does more to establish their goodness and worth than anything they themselves might feel.“  This is most obviously demonstrated in the acceptance that many women have that sex is painful rather than enjoyable.  When we begin to accept our feelings of discomfort as normal, then we don’t know how to tell when our discomfort is related to real issues, and that can lead to being taken advantage of sexually.  We’ve lost the sense of knowing when we can say no.  

We can’t deny the impact of sexual addiction any longer.

When we read about the court case of Larry Nasser, we hear the stories of his 168 victims and the impact his actions have had on their lives.  While pedophilia and sexual addiction are not synonymous, I would not be surprised to find out that Nasser was a sex addict as well.  Regardless of what we think about compulsive sexual behavior, I believe we can all agree that it is a problem.

Women who are married to sex addicts face the reality of the pain of objectification on a daily basis.  If you’re in this position, it is likely that your life, marriage, and sense of healthy sexuality have been ripped apart in the fallout of your spouse’s addiction.  Reading stories in the media about sexual abuse and harm can trigger your own personal pain of being married to an addict.  Practicing self-care, monitoring your triggers from the media, and seeking to stay in your window of tolerance can help you not to become overwhelmed by these media stories.

Shaming and condemning is not the answer.

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In response to these claims made above, we may get fired up and angry to a point that we cross over into man-hating and shaming all those who struggle with objectification of women or sexual addiction.  And to be fair, it is difficult to demonstrate compassion to offenders or the accused.  But as an addiction therapist, one thing I know to be true is that shame feeds addiction. The more ashamed an individual feels about their addiction, the more likely they are to turn to the things that helped them to self-medicate in the first place because addictive behaviors are incredibly efficient at making the pain go away.  Addicts need compassionate people who can see them in their pain and help them to heal.  While you might not be able to provide that compassion, you can lead those you know who are addicted to people who can help.

Step Three: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

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This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

In working through the steps, you’ve come to understand and accept the powerlessness and unmanageability inherent to your addictive behavior, and you’ve realized that relying on your Higher Power (referred to as God) is the foundation of your hope for experiencing healing.

Step Three builds on the work we did in Step Two.  It is subtly different, however, moving from affirming God’s trustworthiness into acting upon that belief.  Steps Two and Three go hand in hand, as you need to have a foundational belief of God’s goodness fostered through spiritual practices in order to choose to submit to God’s will and receive His care.

If you have a background where God has been depicted as a shaming, punishing overseer, it can feel incredibly difficult to submit your life to Him.  If this is part of your story, seek to connect with those aspects of God that contrast with the hurt you’ve experienced.  Affirm those aspects of God as you work this step.

Here are a few things Step Three does not mean.  Turning control over to God doesn’t mean seeing God as a taskmaster who will make you feel guilty and force you to do things you don’t want.  You have free choice, and you can choose to invite God in to help you make choices that are best for you and are in alignment with His love and care.  It doesn’t mean that you have to have a perfect understanding of God.

What does it mean to make this decision?

It means we actively seek out living in a way that honors the desires we have for our lives (our will) through our daily actions, thoughts, and words (our lives), submitting in trust to the wisdom of God.  As Philippians 2:13 says, “for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”  Step Three involves learning to care for and nurture yourself in the ways that God longs to offer.  It’s an every day choice to continually decide to turn control over to God.

Working Step Three

Ask for help.

Your ability to trust others reflects on your ability to trust God.  You’ve likely already surpassed the first hurdle of trust by involving a sponsor or other 12 Step group members into your recovery.  You may also involve a spiritual guide in this process.  This could be your sponsor, or it could also be a spiritual director or church leader.  Continue the daily spiritual habits you began in Step Two under the guidance of this spiritual leader.

List faulty beliefs you had about your need to remain independent or do it all on your own.

Your beliefs about your addictive behaviors or about your definition of sobriety have likely been questioned in recovery.  You may have heard others sharing about their deluded thought patterns, and you were shocked to find that you had similar thoughts.  Maybe you thought, “I just need to try harder and then I’ll stay sober,” or “I don’t need any help.”  Name these distorted thoughts and surrender them to God to release their control over your life.

Act “as if.”

Often those faulty beliefs that echoed throughout your mind when you were acting out led you to respond to your addictive behaviors with strategies that didn’t work: minimizing and denial of how bad the addiction was, or “white-knuckling” and forcing yourself not to act out.  Likely these patterns have not worked to end the addiction, but you find yourself returning to them because you don’t know what else to do.

Loosen your grip on these failed strategies.  Instead, act “as if” you believed God was in control of your recovery.  Ask yourself: what would your life look like if you trusted God and believed that it wasn’t all on your shoulders to overcome your addictive behavior?  What would change?  What wouldn’t you be afraid to do anymore?  What would look significantly different than it does right now?  Take steps to begin living that way.

Choose to grieve.

As you try to achieve sobriety on your own, you often experience loss.  You may have lost time, money, relationships, mental health, physical health, or any number of other losses.  Letting go of the addiction itself is another loss: it is as if you are giving up an old friend that helped you to cope or escape from painful life experiences.  While trusting God does involve experiencing greater peace and freedom, that doesn’t mean that your journey will automatically become pain-free – in fact, the opposite is often true.

Write a list of the areas where you’ve experienced loss.  Read it to your sponsor or your spiritual guide.  Talk about what it means to have suffered and experienced pain in your addiction, and what it will feel like to give it up. See your suffering and difficulty in light of your new knowledge that God is experiencing that suffering alongside you.

Engage in greater self-care.

You may view God as punishing, or you may have been deprived of adequate nurture by authority figures in your childhood.  It is important for you to take steps to receive the nurture that God longs to give you.  Prioritize time for self-care activities.  Take on a childlike posture and engage in more time for play.   Seek to have a beginner’s mind in all areas, humbly learning and growing.  Take a walk in nature and pray.  Take quality care of your body and physical health.

Write a prayer in a letter to God expressing what it means to turn your will and life over to Him.

What does it mean to you personally to turn your will over to God?  Your life over to God?  Even if you aren’t ready to turn over 100% of control to God, sit down and write out a letter to Him expressing your desire to do so.  Tell Him the roadblocks that are holding you back from fully committing to surrender all of your will and life.  Read this letter to your spiritual guide or sponsor to receive encouragement and support.

Engage in a regular practice of prayer.

Pray daily in the morning right when you wake up for God to help you achieve another 24 hours of sobriety.  Pray in the evening each day expressing gratitude to God for His assistance to get through the last 24 hours.  Invite God in to decisions in your life through prayer and asking for His guidance.  Pray the Serenity Prayer, which encompasses the learnings from Steps One through Three: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Seek insight from God and others.

You’ve been in a place of growth through your involvement in 12 Step, learning more about your addictive behaviors and admitting your pride by breaking through denial.  Insights occur throughout the course of recovery, and you become more open to them as you continue to create distance from the addictive behaviors.  The energy you used to spend on your addiction is now free to express itself as emotions and memories.  Through this process, keep a journal or dream log and spend time sharing the insights gained from those interactions with your spiritual guide or with God. 

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Accept that surrender is not a one-time thing.

The Third Step is not a one-and-done kind of situation.  Yes, the initial step to surrender is often the most significant.  But surrender to God is a process that will continue throughout your recovery journey in the rest of the steps.  You’ll recognize moments when you try to take back control in some area or another, or you resist the surrender God is calling you to.  Use those moments not to shame yourself, but as an opportunity to return and surrender to God.

Hooked on Porn? How Your Online Sexual Activities Might Hint at Sex and Love Addiction

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When was the first time you used the internet?  Are you one of the generation that can still remember the sound of the modem booting up?  Or did you grow up with an iPhone in your pocket and and iPad keeping you entertained from as early as you can remember?

What about the first time you saw a pornographic image online?  Heard stories about internet predators asking to meet teenagers for sex?  Stumbled into an adult chat room or adult site without knowing how you got there?  For those of us who have used the internet at some point in our lives (which I would venture to say is all of us, especially if you’re reading this article now), we’ve likely also been exposed to sexual content that we didn’t bargain for.  Statistics state that 34% of people who use the internet have been accidentally exposed to pornographic images through popups, ads, spam, and other intrusive methods.

But sadly, it isn’t just the internet where explicit sexual images can be found.  All you have to do is turn on cable TV or Netflix and peruse the prestige TV shows to find graphic sexual scenes.  Images that once would have been considered pornographic or inappropriate for TV are now becoming commonplace and even normal.  We’ve become desensitized to sexual content.

34% of people who use the internet have been accidentally exposed to pornographic images through popups, ads, spam, and other intrusive methods.

For younger generations who had the easy accessibility of pornography on the internet, pornographic images and videos provided sex education.  The average age of first exposure to pornography is age 11.  It is easy to get hooked on these videos as a young age, as watching the films releases “feel-good” neurochemicals, such as dopamine, into your brain that are similar to those involved in sexual behavior.

To add fuel to the fire, cultural messages about pornography make it seem as though it is completely acceptable.  Teenagers are often introduced to porn because their friends are watching it.  Pop-up ads, spam emails, search terms, and mistyped URLs can easily lead children into a rabbit hole they didn’t know existed.  Women can be pressured by boyfriends to view porn because that’s how the boys learned about sex.

The average age of first exposure to pornography is 11.

What’s frightening about sexual content on the internet is how insidious its use can be in developing sexual addiction.  Sexual content combined with the trance-like nature of internet usage creates a dopamine rush that requires more and more intensity to get the same "high".  When we look at a statistic that says traffic on pornographic sites is higher than that of YouTube, Amazon, and Twitter combined, it is difficult to deny the potential for addiction.

Women also may struggle uniquely with shame around pornography use.  Although one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women, resources for support and help are often targeted toward men, and the cultural stereotype is that all men watch porn.  70 percent of women keep their porn use secret.  Due to the relational nature of adult chat rooms, many women are drawn to connect with others through this online world to fill their desire for intimacy. Similar to a relationship addict, these individuals can form intense relationships online that gives an unhealthy substitute for healthy intimacy.

Sexual content combined with the trance-like nature of internet usage creates a dopamine rush that requires more and more intensity to get the same "high".

Porn creates a fantasy world.   Pictures are edited and sexual acts are performed in a way that highlights certain physical features.  This sexual fantasy does not match up to reality, and it leads to a degradation of female sexuality and an idealization of sex. Pornography can lead an addict into what is referred to as “addict” time, where real time seems to slow down or stop, but actually passes quite quickly as the addict is consumed by pornographic images and becomes out of control.

Guilt and hiding associated with online sexual activities can actually contribute to a more powerful sexual experience, as it heightens adrenaline. This increased adrenaline can lead to more risky sexual behavior. Online sexual activities increase likelihood of affairs or the destruction of a person’s reputation if the online activities are shared publicly.

Although one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women, resources for support and help are often targeted toward men. The cultural stereotype is that all men watch porn.

Easy access of both pornography and cybersex through the Internet are opening up addicts to images and activities that they would not have known about previously. This can lead to obsessions with certain sexual images that become “burned-in” to your thought patterns. The Internet has plenty of opportunities to view these images, from the anonymity and ease of its use, marketing campaigns for pornographic sites that use sexual stimuli, trance-like behavior caused by computer use, and the use of denial because Internet activities are not “real.” Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the sex addiction field, describes that intrusive thoughts arise in much the same way as traumatic memories in trauma survivors, which affects the types of sexual behaviors they find arousing.

How can you tell if your online sexual behaviors might indicate sex and love addiction?

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  • Do you find yourself losing track of time when you engage in sexual activities online?

  • Are your online sexual activities secret?

  • Do you find yourself idealizing sex or viewing it as the ultimate expression of love after watching pornographic images online?

  • Are you involved in intensely sexualized relationships with people you’ve met online and haven’t interacted with face-to-face?

  • Do fantasies about sexual activity you’ve engaged in online overshadow or affect real face-to-face sexual intimacy?

  • Are you turning to watching pornography compulsively in order to self-soothe, escape, or avoid painful feelings?

  • Have you had interactions with ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, or strangers online that your spouse would be angry to see?

  • Do you feel a rush or “high” when you start engaging in sexual behaviors online?

  • Are you disgusted by the type of pornographic images that excite you?

  • Do you tell yourself, “having sexual chats with people online doesn’t matter because it’s not real”?