The Key Roadblock to Effective Communication

 “At one point I couldn’t even think straight.”  “I was seeing red.”  “I felt like a deer in the headlights.”  “I wanted to run out of the room.”  “Nothing I was saying was making any sense.”  “I just couldn’t listen to him/her anymore.”

Have you ever found yourself saying these words when describing an argument you had with your spouse?  You’re not alone in experiencing this phenomenon.  If you notice adrenaline pumping through your body and you can feel your heartbeat pounding, you might be experiencing what marriage researcher John Gottman describes as “flooding.”

Imagine you’re in a water tank as you talk with your spouse.  As the argument goes on, the water is rising closer and closer to your face.  As your heart rate increases, you slowly become submerged.  At this point, you can’t hear the person speaking to you above the water, you can’t see more than a foot in front of you, and you panic as you realize you can’t breathe.

Flooding occurs when you’re in the midst of a heightened emotional situation, like an argument where the Four Horsemen are present.  Your body goes into fight-or-flight mode, with the most obvious sign being a rapidly rising heart rate.  When you’re in this state of diffuse physiological arousal, the part of your brain that runs your impulse control and decision-making capacities shuts down.  Essentially, the thinking part of your brain is overtaken by the emotional part of your brain.

Flooding interrupts your discussion as you become unable to absorb what your partner is saying and understand his or her point of view. It’s easier to say hurtful or harsh words to your spouse that you will later regret.  As you get overwhelmed with emotion, your spouse can follow suit.

Often, flooding happens when you’re triggered by something unrelated to the present-day conversation.  Perhaps your spouse mentions feeling overwhelmed by household chores.  This immediately reminds you of how angry and unstable your mother would get when she felt overwhelmed, and memories arise of feeling unsafe.

When flooding takes place, here are a few ideas of how to handle it:

Acknowledge that flooding is happening.

Identify the signs of flooding as they occur, accept that it is a normal response to tense interactions with your spouse, and acknowledge that you aren’t the best version of yourself when you’re flooded.  By taking this first step, you preempt your spouse suggesting you might be flooded, as that will likely make the situation worse.

Communicate that you’re feeling flooded or overwhelmed.

When you notice adrenaline racing through you and your thoughts spiraling out of control, pause and communicate what you need to your spouse.  Your partner can’t tell what is going on in your body or foresee your emotions, but when you communicate how you feel you invite you partner to respond differently.

Ask your partner to rephrase the statement.

Your spouse may simply be communicating with a certain tone or phrasing that triggers you.  Asking your spouse to restate the sentence allows them to slow down and think about how they are expressing their concern.  As they reframe the statement, you can sort out if you’re being triggered by what they’re saying or by the way it is being expressed.

Practice self-soothing.

Mindfulness strategies for reducing anxiety can be helpful when your body is in fight-or-flight mode.  Focusing on your breathing brings you back to the present and tells your body that you’re safe and in control.  Practice these skills on your own so that you’re prepared to use them when needed in the midst of a conflict conversation.  When you notice being flooded, you can even invite your spouse to practice with you, using an app such as Headspace.

Take a 20-minute break.

When the discussion feels too overwhelming, ask your spouse for a 20-minute break.  Do something unrelated to the conversation you’ve been having with your spouse.  While you are on this break, be sure not to rehash the conversation, how you wish you would’ve responded, or what you’ll say next. Instead distract yourself: take a walk, go for a run, read a book or magazine, listen to a playlist of your favorite music, watch a funny TV show, draw, or doodle.  This calms your body’s reaction to the trigger and allows you to re-enter the conversation from a neutral state of mind.

Take a longer break.

Sometimes 20 minutes just won’t cut it.  Returning to the conversation at a later date gives you an opportunity to cool down.  If you choose this option, set a specific time to return to the conversation and make sure you follow through. You’ll avoid resentment and bitterness that can come if the conversation goes unfinished.

Before that continuation conversation, identify what triggered you in the earlier conversation. Notice where you’ve felt that particular emotion in your life, including outside your marriage.  Be prepared to share what you discover with your spouse, as well as one thing both you and your spouse could do differently the next time you’re triggered. The goal of sharing about your trigger isn’t to create guilt in your partner, but to create intimacy in your relationship.

Am I Going Crazy? Seven Signs of Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress

Here you are again.  It’s 2am, and you’ve woken up in the middle of the night after disturbing nightmares.  You don't really remember what happened, but you're still feeling deep and intense fear.  You can’t fall asleep again, and your mind is racing with anxious thoughts.  Why am I up in the middle of the night again?  What happened to me wasn’t even that bad, people have had much worse things happen to them.  I mean, it probably was partially my fault anyway.  There must be something wrong with me.

You hear the sound of a siren or a car alarm on the street outside your house and you jump back, startled.  Suddenly, an image flashes into your head of discovering your husband’s betrayal.  Your emotions do a complete 180, and you’re furious.  Adrenaline is coursing through your veins, your heart starts to pound, and you feel wide awake, like you could jump out of bed and run a marathon.  Seriously?  I am sick of everyone trying to blame me for the things he’s done.  You would yell and scream and throw things too if you found out your husband was cheating on you with multiple women. You feel sick to your stomach.

Finally, exhausted by this burst of adrenaline, you curl under the covers of your bed and the tears begin to fall.  What is happening to me?  Eventually your sobs slow down and lull you back into fitful sleep.

Experiencing the effects of trauma can be disorienting, distressing, and lonely.  You might look at your reactions and feel as though you are crazy.  In the dictionary, trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.  As psychologists, we define trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster,” which is accompanied by several short and long term effects.

But this definition limits our understanding of trauma.  Yes, events such as abuse, violence (sexual or otherwise), tragic accidents, and serious injuries are major traumas that cause lasting effects, and are what would be explained by counselors as “big T” traumas.  Yet oftentimes people experience smaller-scale traumas that accumulate over time, or what we would call “small t” traumas.  These include such events as effects of divorce, emotional abuse, complicated grief, betrayal in the form of an affair or sexual addiction, or various other events.  These events can have similar traumatic effects and symptoms of a major trauma. 

What are some indicators that you might be having a response to trauma?

You witnessed and were impacted by one or more distressing events.

It may be clear to you that you have experienced a traumatic event.  "Big T" traumas are often easy to discern and connect to your symptoms.  However, you may have a tendency to minimize the impacts of "small t" traumas as you compare them to the pain of more major traumas.  I’ve often heard minimization of emotional abuse in families or the impact of divorce simply because it was considered to be “normal” in your family.  If you experience symptoms of trauma but aren’t sure why, spend some time with a counselor or trusted friend talking through your past experiences to get a reality check on how normal they actually were.

Vivid imagery of the traumatic event pops into your mind at the least convenient moments.

When you’re out driving in your car, spending time with friends or family, or even in the middle of the night in the form of a nightmare, you can be tormented by vivid memories of the traumatic event.  Not only do the images arise, but they often leave an emotional mark on you as you experience intensity of emotion similar to when you were experiencing the trauma.  Often trying to push away the images or stop thinking about it doesn’t work: attempts to ignore the thoughts only serve to intensify them.

Your emotions are intense and shift rapidly between anger, fear, sadness, numb, and everything in-between.

Mood swings are incredibly common in trauma, as the traumatic re-experiencing can trigger a storm of negative emotions.  One second everything is fine, and the next, you're a puddle of tears on the floor.  You could become easily irritated or annoyed, being harsh with your loved ones.  At times, it can feel like you’re completely disconnected and cannot access emotion at all.  This intense fluctuation of emotions can be bewildering and seem to prove the mistaken belief that you're crazy.

You’re more suspicious and startle easily.

Prior to the traumatic experience, you may have never thought twice about walking down the street alone in the dark, sleeping in your house by yourself, or your husband’s late nights at work.  Now that the trauma has happened, however, these events take on a new component of fear and worry.  You might notice yourself becoming jumpy or on edge, reacting strongly to unexpected loud noises or events. 

You’re isolated and withdrawn from your friends and activities you used to enjoy.

Often the painful emotions that accompany traumatic events lead you to withdraw from relationships.  You might avoid friends or loved ones because you worry they won’t be able to understand what you went through.  They might ask about how you’re doing, but you don’t want to talk about it anymore.  Your energy levels are likely much lower, so you may lack motivation or energy to do the things you used to love to do.

While you were once confident, now your self-esteem is crushed.

Shame is often a major component of trauma, either in the form of blaming yourself for the event or experience, or receiving messages about yourself from the event that have left you questioning who you are.  According to Bréne Brown, shame is the intensely painful experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  Experiencing shame in connection to a traumatic event can be confusing, especially if you’ve had a strong sense of self prior to the experience.

All you want to do is stop thinking about what happened, so you avoid reminders.

You might stop going to a certain restaurant or area of town where you experienced the traumatic event.  You may have discovered your husband’s betrayal by viewing his browsing history, so even opening your computer may trigger that twinge of fear.  Being in your childhood home can bring to mind memories of emotional abuse, so you avoid even visiting your hometown.  If you notice yourself going out of your way to avoid certain situations or people, you might still be reeling from a trauma you experienced.

Do any of the above statements describe you?  If so, be kind and caring toward yourself and get the help you need.  Seek out a counselor who works with trauma to help you on your path toward healing. 

Self-Care Saturdays: Embrace Your Creative Side

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

Have you ever uttered the phrase, “I don’t have a creative bone in my body?”  Or maybe you’re more naturally artistic and consider yourself more right-brained than left-brained.  In my family, I’ve always been the “non-creative” one, at least when it comes to crafting or visual art.  (If you could see some of the disasters of Christmas ornaments I attempted to craft in elementary school…)

The reality is that all of us are creative, even if our creativity lies unused in the darkest corners of our mind.  Creativity isn’t just about making art.  In fact, the definition of creativity references creative expression as the use of imagination in the formation of original ideas.

Creativity has a multitude of benefits for your physical and mental health.  Many creative activities involve repetition and slowing down, both of which are soothing and relieve stress.  Practicing creativity improves brain function and mood.  Creative thought and behavior requires a slower pace: we cannot be creative and rush at the same time.  Have you ever noticed that when you give yourself the time to think and slow down, your best ideas come to you? 

In the counseling office, art therapy and music therapy are used to process emotions and experiences through creative expression.  The philosophy behind art therapy relates to neuroscience: art and music use the nonverbal, expressive area of our brains.  Emotions, trauma, and other painful experiences are often stored in these areas, and using our creativity connects with these emotions. Benefits of art therapy include improved mental health due to relieving the tension of those negative and painful emotions.

Keep in mind as you seek to explore your creativity: the point of creating isn’t to make something perfect: it’s to enjoy the process of creating.  What you make might not be on par with the Mona Lisa, a meal at a five-star restaurant, or one of Beethoven’s symphonies.  The point of creativity is not the end goal – it’s the journey of getting there.

Here are some ideas about how to practice creativity:

Coloring Books or Painting

Adult coloring books have become increasingly popular the past few years, often because of the benefits mentioned about the soothing nature of repetition and increased focus.  I even think there’s something fun and playful about coloring in a children’s coloring book with crayons, which you can do on your own or with your children.  Similarly, painting, either in a class with friends or on your own can be an enjoyable way to relieve stress, and can be relatively inexpensive with the purchase of your own crafting supplies. 

Crafting, Knitting, or Crocheting

These type of projects can be just as soothing and relaxing as a coloring book.  Look for ideas for projects on a Pinterest crafting board or a magazine that strikes your interest.  Start at the skill level you have in order to keep yourself from being discouraged by a project that ends up being too difficult or expensive to complete.

Food

Cooking and baking offer many opportunities to be creative.  Try a new recipe or alter ingredients or flavors in a recipe that you already love.  Play a version of Chopped where you start with four random ingredients in your kitchen and put together a meal using all four.  Brainstorm unique ways to decorate or style a dessert that you’ve made.

Gardening

Spending time weeding in the garden or growing plants, vegetables, and flowers can be surprisingly therapeutic.  The repetitive actions of tending the garden, watching as your plants grow, spending time outside and breathing in the fresh air, and feeling the sun on your skin are a perfect combination to awaken creativity.

Music

If you play a musical instrument or sing, spend some time playing some of your favorites, learning a new song, or creating your own.  You don’t need science to tell you that music has mental health benefits – you can experience it for yourself when you hear your favorite song and immediately feel an impact on your mood.

Writing

Whether you write professionally or you just like to keep a daily journal, a regular writing practice is a great way to relieve stress.  Spend some time journaling,  write a poem, or draft a mini-article about a topic of interest.

Scheme on a Friend’s Behalf

Dream up a creative way to make a friend or family member feel special.  If they have a birthday, special event, or you simply want to make sure they know they are loved, creatively brainstorm ways to bless them and love them well.

…and so much more!

There are so many options out there for being creative.  Whether you’re a fan of home improvement projects, hair and makeup, creating videos or photography, or even sports, there is a form of creative expression that fits with every personality.  Find what works for you and make it happen!

How will you embrace creativity in your life this week?

What You Can Expect in Therapy

Imagine with me for a moment that you’ve never been in a traditional classroom before.  Perhaps you’ve been homeschooled your entire life, or you’ve lived in a country that doesn’t have American-style schooling.  You know of others who have been in school, all with mixed results.  You’ve seen school portrayed on television, but you wouldn’t want your experience to be anything close to what’s shown on the screen.

For many people, that is what their views of therapy are like, particularly if they've never attended a therapy session.  You may have a general idea of what therapy is supposed to look like, which is often informed by friends and the media.  Today, I’m hoping to set the record straight.

What should I expect from therapy?

In a basic and traditional sense, psychotherapy involves sitting across from a trained professional (psychologist, counselor, or social worker) who asks questions and offers you tools to improve your mental health.  I like one therapist’s simple explanation of therapy as a place to define the problems that plague you, figure out what can be done to change your situation, deal with the underlying roadblocks that are getting in the way of resolution, and help you gain the confidence and courage to change.

But this basic description barely scratches the surface of what therapy and your therapist can represent in your life.  Therapy is a place to be seen and known and to learn the fundamental truth that you are not alone.  Therapy involves a journey – often arduous and sometimes exhausting, but ultimately rewarding you with the gift of a changed life.

Here are some general ideas about what therapy is:

• Therapy is a place to heal relationally. Wounds happen in relationships, and therefore must be healed in relationship. The relationship you have with your therapist can become one of the most important relationships in your life. Similarly, group therapy can offer a catalyst for healing through interactions with other group members.

• Therapy is intended to be a safe environment for understanding and growth. In the therapy office, you are encouraged to share emotions and experiences that have been painful or difficult. You can talk about the darkest corners of your life, the areas that feel the most private, and know that your therapist not only holds your story in confidence, but also accepts you as you are.

• Therapy is meant to challenge your thoughts, worldview, and patterns. Often, in the course of therapy, you’ll be challenged by your therapist to view patterns of relating or thoughts that are destroying your life. You may be clinging to certain coping strategies, hoping they will eventually work. But as the common adage in Alcoholics Anonymous states, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your therapist can provide a fresh set of eyes that offer an alternative perspective. This challenge creates clarity in your values and decisions.

• Therapy is about empowerment. Often, you walk into a therapy office because you feel powerless against your thoughts, behaviors, feelings, or circumstances. Therapy is meant to give you the resources and support to regain confidence in your life.

• Therapy is about acceptance and patience. Healing in therapy will likely take longer than you would wish. Part of therapy is learning to trust the process and grow in patience with the way change happens: slowly over time. An image that represents therapy well is this: you and your therapist are miners in a deep cave. Most of the time it feels like you’re just moving piles of dirt, and your therapist suggests which piles to sift through. Eventually though, in all the sifting, you’ll find glints of something gold.

Similarly, here’s what therapy is not:

• Therapy is not a magical solution, a quick fix, or a guaranteed promise of an outcome. Be wary of therapists who make these types of promises or guarantees. The tools therapists teach are truly meant to bring lasting change to your life and your relationships. However, the biggest factor of what causes change in therapy is your motivation and willingness to put in the work to get there. Implementing skills and tools learned in therapy is crucial in seeing lasting change.

• Therapy is not just getting advice from an expert. As your therapist gets to know you better and understands your life and circumstances, you will be led to explore options for yourself and make your own personal decisions. This often happens over the course of long-term therapy: the more time you and your therapist spend exploring the narratives of your life, the more clear your decisions and next steps will become.

• Therapy is not intended to be a place where you end up more wrecked than healed. It is true that often at the beginning of therapy, you’ll feel a bit worse before beginning to feel better. That is a natural result of talking through painful experiences, both present and past. But if a therapist pressures you to uncover repressed traumatic memories or share beyond what you’re comfortable, that’s a red flag. The point of therapy is to create safety and comfort around talking about those deeper issues, not create further trauma by forcing you to go further than what feels safe.

• Therapy is not a way to blame others for everything that’s gone wrong in your life. The stereotype of therapy is that the blame always falls on the parents for the child’s problems. While childhood and family experiences are part of what’s discussed in therapy, there are many other factors that play a role in mental health issues that affect you today. The goal of therapy is to learn to take responsibility for yourself and the changes you can make so that your actions moving forward reflect a more wholehearted life.

Ultimately, my goal as a therapist is to create a safe environment for you to explore the many facets of your life experience in order to create your more grounded and authentic way of living.

What Skydiving Teaches Us About Surviving Anxiety

Imagine yourself strapped into a small plane, ascending into the clouds en route to your first skydiving jump.  As the plane tilts its nose upward, your stomach drops, and you can’t quite tell if it’s an effect of the lift or your nerves.  You talk to your tandem skydiving instructor, hoping for reassurance, but then you notice your palms and forehead begin to sweat.  The thud-thud-thud of your heartbeat is echoing in your ears, and you’re certain everyone around you can hear it. 

As you reach altitude and prepare for the jump, you start to panic.  Your anxiety is higher than anything you’ve ever experienced.  It takes all your strength to just look out the plane at the ground below.  Your instructor informs you that this is the last chance you have to back out.  You have one of two choices – you can retreat back into the plane, giving up on this experience you were so excited about when your feet were flat on the ground.  Or you can jump.

What do you do next?  

Paralysis that hinders the decision to move forward or retreat is a common phenomenon for those who struggle with anxiety.  Often, we learn to retreat back into what is safe, avoiding the situations that make us feel anxious or worried.  In particular, if you struggle with phobias, an anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or even compulsive thoughts associated with sex and love addiction, you may have seen yourself retreat into destructive patterns that work in the short-term to relieve anxiety.  But these do not solve the problem, and in choosing them, we miss opportunities for growth.

How do we overcome it?

Have you ever bought a goldfish at a pet shop or store?  The seller hands you your fish in a plastic bag filled with water and instructs you to place the tied bag into the fishbowl or aquarium before releasing the fish into the water.  Why do they do this?  It is meant to help the fish get used to the temperature of the water – or habituate.

Just like that goldfish in the tank, we need to learn to habituate to our anxiety.  Habituation involves walking through an experience of anxiety without avoiding or running away from the feared event.  In essence, it is proving to yourself that you can survive the anxiety without turning to the ways you’ve coped in the past that only serve to increase your anxiety next time you face the same situation.

In the goldfish example, habituation occurs as the temperature of the water in the bag slowly adjusts, degree by degree, to the temperature of the water in the aquarium.  With anxiety, the process is similar.  Let’s say you feel anxious about public speaking.  The first time you have to speak in public, your anxiety might be off the charts.  But when you survive that event, the second time you’re asked to speak in public you’ll likely feel slightly less nervous.  Once you’ve spoken in public five, ten, or fifty times, it won’t even faze you to do it again.  Your anxiety levels have adjusted, degree by degree, to allow you to feel more at ease.

Katie d’Ath, a psychologist who works with obsessive-compulsive disorders, illustrates this visually in a helpful format in the video below.  (I would highly recommend other videos in her series on obsessive-compulsive disorder.)

Typically our first response to anxiety is to do whatever it takes to make the anxiety go away.  And it works in the short-term: otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it.  But the short-term fix of distraction or avoidance won’t satisfy the long-term desire to release the anxiety.

How can we begin the process of habituation?

Before starting this process, build up additional coping strategies for anxiety where you can calm your body’s response enough to approach the process in a grounded and rational place.  Techniques such as breathing exercises, mindfulness, and positive self-talk can be a great first line of defense against anxiety.

Once you’re in a place where you’re ready to work through anxiety, it is time to practice sitting in your anxiety.  First, this involves listening to what your body is saying.  Pay attention to the sensations of anxiety in your body.  What do they feel like?  Where does your anxiety feel most present?  What quality does that anxiety have in your body?

Next, notice the thoughts that are running through your mind.  What are the fears you’re having?  What’s the worst-case scenario playing out in your mind?  What are the beliefs about yourself or others that are contributing to the anxiety?

Pay attention to what other emotions are present besides anxiety.  Often fear is linked with anxiety, but other emotions, such as hurt, anger, or sadness can influence the course your anxiety takes.  Read through an emotions chart and identify what you’re feeling.

Then begin to question the racing thoughts in your mind: where are they coming from?  Do they come from a past fear or experience of embarrassment you had?  Are they about the future and what could happen if you take a risk?  How valid are they?  Is this something that is possible, or is it an irrational thought based on a cognitive distortion?

Finally, there comes a decision point – how will I choose to deal with my anxiety?  I can choose to run away and avoid in order to experience that immediate relief.  Or I can choose to run to the things I know that are good for me – greater awareness, support from my loved ones, and self-care.  Ultimately, the foundational way we can conquer anxiety is to believe that we can survive it and act on that belief.

I hope you choose to jump into the anxiety and fear and find that you will make it out on the other side.

Tired of Destroying Your Marriage? Four Antidotes to Heal a Hurting Relationship

Have you ever had a huge fight with your spouse, but then realize you have no idea what started the argument?  Are you sick and tired of exploding into anger and insults in conversations with your partner?  Maybe you walk away from discussions with a sinking feeling that something in your marriage isn’t working. Or instead of arguing, you notice yourself or your spouse muttering passive-aggressive comments, and your mutual respect and understanding is slowly slipping away.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the four communication habits that destroy marriages, as researched by John Gottman.  Luckily, Gottman has found an antidote to each of these behaviors that can help you to reverse your downward spiral into these four destructive habits.  Let’s take a look.

Instead of criticism?  Use gentle start-up.

Remember how Gottman can watch 10 minutes of a couple’s conversation and predict with surprising accuracy if that couple will divorce?  In the first three minutes of every conflict conversation, certain indicators will predict how the rest of the conversation will go.

You’ve likely seen this in your own relationship.  If you bring up a topic with your partner that begins with an accusatory “you,” your partner immediately goes on the defensive.

Instead, state your personal feelings, reactions, and needs.  The magic formula for authentic communication is founded upon naming a personal emotion you’re experiencing, expressing what you saw or heard that led to that emotion, and naming a positive need.  By expressing yourself in this way, you allow your partner to see the effect his or her actions have on you, but you also provide a solution.

• Destructive tactic: “You never follow-through with what you say you’re going to do, I can’t count on you for anything.”

• Antidote: “I feel ignored and hurt when I ask you to help me out with a task, but it doesn’t get done. I need to know what timeline you have for completing that task. Can we create a schedule?”

Instead of contempt?  Practice fondness and appreciation.

Contempt takes criticism a step further and is born out of a place of seeing your partner as less than, or looking down on them.  One way to diagnose contempt in your relationship by asking if your partner ever feels “small” or like a child when you criticize them. 

If you notice contempt is an issue for you, seek to remember the things you love about your partner and what attracted you to them in the beginning of the relationship.  Notice their strengths and abilities, particularly in areas where you aren’t as strong.  Pay attention to their contributions to your relationship or your family. 

Valuing your spouse by building up your fondness and admiration system leads to a more solid foundation of friendship and respect in your marriage.  In general, practicing gratitude and seeking to accept your present circumstances with contentment can have a multitude of benefits for your mental and relational health.

• Destructive tactic: “Only an idiot would forget about our daughter’s soccer game.”

• Antidote: “I can see why this slipped through the cracks. You’ve been working long hours for your promotion at work. I’m thankful that you’re hard-working and dedicated to providing for our family.”

Instead of defensiveness? Try taking responsibility.

When you’re feeling criticized or your spouse is pointing out your weaknesses, it can feel self-protective to fight back and point out their not-so-great qualities.  Our natural bent is toward defensiveness, especially if we’re feeling guilt or shame about our behaviors.

In reality, none of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes from time to time, lose patience with our loved ones, or forget to do something we’re asked to do.  Before immediately reacting to your partner’s feedback and expression of needs, slow down and pay attention to what’s going on emotionally and in your body.  If you’re noticing feelings of guilt or shame, think through any weaknesses or faults you may be struggling to admit.

In some cases, your partner may have been triggered by something you did or said that you didn’t realize would affect them so strongly.  When you didn’t intend to hurt them, it can be helpful to acknowledge the trigger and what made it difficult for your partner and ask, “How can I support you better the next time something like this comes up?”

• Destructive tactic: “You would go out gambling too if your life was anywhere near as stressful as mine is.”

• Antidote: “You’re right. I should have cleared it with you first before I spent our money at the casino. How can we work together to approach this differently in the future?”

Instead of stonewalling? Practice self-soothing.

Stonewalling is usually accompanied by an experience Gottman calls “flooding,” which is a state of physiological arousal, the commonly known “fight-or-flight” response, where the brain is unable to process additional information.  Responding to flooding by calming your body’s natural response allows you to re-enter the conversation with greater presence of mind and ability to listen and respond to what is being shared.

There are a few different ways to respond to stonewalling.  Self-soothing exercises, such as mindfulness breathing exercises, are designed to help you focus on the present moment and sensations in your body.  The rhythm of deep breathing calms your sympathetic nervous system that has you in fight-or-flight mode, instead telling your body that you are safe.

Another strategy is to give yourself a break of at least 20 minutes from the conversation.  During this time, do whatever it takes to take your mind off of the argument.  Ruminating about what was said and what you wish you would have said only continues the state of flooding.  After this 20-minute break, come back together for another try at the discussion. 

• Destructive tactic: Zoning out, checking out of the conversation, or not listening.

• Antidote: “I’m feeling flooded right now, and I’m having a hard time being able to listen well because of it. Can we take a 20-minute break to cool off and then come back to finish talking?”

My hope is that, as you begin to use these antidotes, you’ll be able to experience greater connection and more productive experiences of conflict management with your partner.

I Am Not God: Reflections on Perfectionism and Impostor Syndrome

I am a recovering perfectionist.  If I'm honest, “recovering” is a bit of an optimistic term.  In reality, perfectionism is an ongoing struggle.  Every time I put out a new blog post or article, I spend way too much time reading and re-reading every line to make sure I don’t have any errors.  (News flash: there are always a few that slip through the cracks.)  I obsess over word choice and the nuance of certain phrases.  (News flash: I’m not a trained journalist or anywhere near writing the next great American novel.)

Sadly, these same perfectionistic tendencies apply to my work as a counselor.  A few months ago I wrote a blog post about the importance of being instead of doing, largely because it is a message that I need to remind myself of often.  The self-imposed pressure to be perfect started in my academic years and has extended into my personal and professional life.

Perfectionism builds its foundation on the fear that who I am is not enough and never will be.    I feel terrified that what I do will fall short, someone will always be better than me, and I will fail.   

Perfectionism builds its foundation on the fear that who I am is not enough and never will be. 

In general, perfectionism is characterized by impossibly high standards.  It can lead to procrastination, either because of the length of time it takes a perfectionist to feel like a project is complete, or due to the desire to avoid feelings of anxiety and fear of failure.  Beliefs of inferiority (“I’m not good enough”) and hopelessness (“why even try”) can be familiar friends to the perfectionist.

Also , the recent popularization of the term “impostor syndrome” adds another layer to perfectionism.   A recent article in Psychology Today about impostor syndrome describes it as the irrational fear of being found out as a “fake,” with a tendency to believe any achievement is due to luck or good fortune, even when the individual’s skill and talents say something to the contrary.

The article also talks about how those with impostor syndrome can fall into two different camps: overworking or procrastinating, both of which sound a lot like perfectionism.  All the hard work put in to try to prove oneself can lead to becoming drained emotionally and physically, and eventually to burnout.

The truth is this: there is nothing wrong with doing something well and to the best of our abilities.  What makes perfectionism a problem is when it is driven by anxiety and stress that are birthed out of our core shame that tells us our worth is tied to our achievements.  Both perfectionism and impostor syndrome are linked to an underlying sense of shame.  This might be brought about by a culture of high expectations of achievement and criticism in your family or school environment, or it could relate to societal pressures and comparison facilitated by the internet and social media.

What makes perfectionism a problem is when it is driven by anxiety and stress that are birthed out of our core shame that tells us our worth is tied to our achievements.

I can see this reality play out in my life in the beliefs like, “I don’t belong because I am not good enough.  I am tricking people into believing that I know what I’m doing when I really have no idea.”  When I’m living in impostor syndrome, I believe that my master’s degree, my years of specialized training, my experience with clients, and my enthusiasm for pursuing the best treatment for my clients is not enough.

How can we cope with this toxic mix of perfectionism and feeling like a fake?

• Talk to someone – If you struggle with perfectionism and impostor syndrome, my guess is that you are not the only one in your circle of connections that has these feelings. Talk about your struggles with others and seek to encourage one another.

• Practice mindfulness – When you feel a bout of perfectionism coming on, slow down and practice some mindfulness breathing. Give yourself credit for the skills and abilities you do have. Remind yourself of successes you’ve experienced, and instead of attributing them to luck, associate them with your hard work and abilities.

• Embrace imperfection and failure – If you view failure as the worst thing that can happen, you miss an opportunity to learn and grow. Expect yourself to fail as part of the learning process. Choose to be okay with the “good enough” on a project you’re working on instead of working incessantly to make it perfect.

The strongest way that I am able to cope with these struggles is through prayer and re-centering on God.  It has been crucial for me to remind myself that I am not God.  News flash: I’m human. There are times when I feel insecure in sessions with my clients.  I compare myself to other therapists who have been practicing therapy longer than I’ve been alive, or that have personality differences from me that make them seem better suited to the work than I do.  I worry that I don’t have enough knowledge or understanding of the issues I’m treating, and so I read books and attend trainings and plan for clients until I don’t have any spare moments left in my day to rest.

It has been crucial for me to remind myself that I am not God.

All of this striving and working and trying to be enough puts all the responsibility for my life and the lives of my clients into my hands.  News flash: I am not God.  I will never be enough for my clients, because I am not made to be enough for them.  Only He is.  If I try to be God, I truly am being an impostor.

I believe that God is the One who heals.  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3).  He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).  He refreshes our souls and leads us along right paths (Psalm 23:3).  He gives us rest when we are weary and burdened (Matthew 11:28).  By His wounds, we are healed (Isaiah 53:5).

God has invited me to be a partner in His work of healing, but it is not ultimately my responsibility to heal.  That’s His territory.  I am called to offer what I have to the best of my ability, knowing that as I trust in Him to do the work of healing, what I offer will be enough.

Self-Care Saturdays: Get Some Fresh Air

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself.  

Whether you’re trying to soak up the sun, grow a beautiful garden, or just take a walk, summers in Michigan are the perfect time to be outside.  As a native Michigander, I know “up north” as code for vacationing in the wilderness where beautiful views of nature are on display and relaxation is the main goal.  (Do I sound a bit like Tim Allen in the Pure Michigan commercials?)

Michigan’s tourism campaign aside, we’re given an opportunity at this time of year to take full advantage of the health benefits that being outside provides.  Research has proven that spending time outdoors increases desire for exercise and corresponding weight loss, boosts energy, leads to better eye health, improves sleep , and enhances attention span and concentration.  Beyond the physical benefits of being outside, there are plenty of mental health benefits as well, like improved brain function and creativity, a decrease in stress and anxiety levels, and a shift toward more positive moods. 

A common struggle for those of us who live in the northern states is seasonal affective disorder, or SAD.  Seasonal affective disorder is similar to depression in that it involves symptoms like difficulty focusing, decrease in energy, moodiness, sleeping too much, or losing interest in things you normally enjoy.  SAD is associated with low levels of vitamin D, a hormone produced when your skin is exposed to sunlight.  The theory behind the connection between vitamin D and SAD is that vitamin D increases levels of serotonin, which improves symptoms of depression.

What are some ideas on how to fully soak up everything the outdoors has to offer this summer?

Start your day outside.

The first few hours after you wake up is the best time to take advantage of the sun’s major benefits.  At this time of day, the UV index is lower, limiting the negative effects of sun exposure.  Pick a spot outside where you can sit for 5 or 10 minutes each morning and observe nature unfold around you.  Or incorporate outdoor exercise into your morning routine, which has the added perk of giving you extra willpower to resist urges to eat throughout the day.

Go for a walk.

If you work in a windowless office during the day, going outside for a walk on a lunch or rest break during your day can help you feel refreshed once you return to your desk.  Breathing in the fresh air slows down your breath and leads to a sense of calm.  As mentioned earlier, walking or other exercise outdoors is a nice change-up from hours spent in the gym in the winter months.  Studies have shown that exercising outside will increase the likelihood that you’ll be motivated to continue to exercise.  Participants in the study also named that they felt less tension, depression, and anxiety after exercising outside.

Have a picnic lunch.

I’ve started a tradition with my toddler-age nephew recently: when he and I spend time together, we pack a picnic lunch and walk down to the park.  There's an adventurous quality to the combination of packing an on-the-go meal, spending energy walking to the park and playing on the play structure, and eating a leisurely meal by the river on a picnic blanket: he eats and naps easier those days, and I feel more relaxed and calm.  We’re lucky to live in a state where there are so many green spaces and forests and lakes – let’s take advantage of the nature we have around us!

Go camping…or “glamping.”

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never actually been pitch-a-tent, cook-over-a-fire, sleep-under-the-stars camping.  I don’t think I’d survive without access to my hair dryer!  But when I visit an up north cottage in the summer months, where I can spend time next to a lake, soaking up the sun and playing yard games in the grass, there’s nothing I’d rather be doing.  Set aside a weekend for yourself to visit a campground or a cottage in the middle of nowhere where you can spend time out in the sun (with sunscreen, of course!)

Puddle jump!

Summer months in Michigan often come with scattered rain showers as the heat affects weather patterns.  While thunderstorms might be something to avoid, who says you have to stay inside when it’s raining?  Some of my favorite memories have come from getting stuck in a pop-up rain shower, eventually giving up on staying dry and going full force into splashing through puddles.  Embrace the playfulness of getting soaked, whether you’re with your kids or a friend.

Garden or do yard work outside.

I imagine some of you have a green thumb and can create beautiful landscaped creations in your garden or yard, while others of you can’t keep a cactus alive.  Whatever your gardening skill, spend some time weeding your yard or mowing your grass.  You’ll likely see immediate results, which can be encouraging, and the repetitiveness of the actions can be calming.  With gardening, there’s a beauty and simplicity in watching plants grow and harvesting vegetables, herbs, or beautiful flowers to enjoy.

How will you spend time outside this week?

What's In a Name? How Discovering Who You Truly Are Can Transform Recovery

Have you ever done the exercise where you’re asked to write down 10-20 adjectives that describe who you are?  This task can stir up all kinds of emotions.  Maybe it’s relatively easy for you to come up with several descriptors.  For me, I usually run out of ideas after about five or six. 

But what if the words that immediately come to mind are so negative and critical that you would never speak them aloud to someone? 

Often those hidden, negative words we wouldn’t say aloud cut to the core of who we are. These words embody the messages of shame that we either inflict upon ourselves or that we hear from others.   When we name ourselves with these words, we give them power.   

What are some of the negative labels that you apply to yourself?

For the female sex and love addict, there are plenty of labels that echo through her mind.  Whore.  Slut.  Dirty.  Easy.  Needy.  Too much.  Not enough.  These words give a glimpse of her low self-esteem with feelings of little value or worth.

For the addict, condemning herself can feel good.  Hatred toward herself or others can mask the shame that she feels.  If she can become angry at the behaviors in herself or at other people who practice them, maybe then she can force herself to stop.  Unfortunately, all the negative words she uses as a way of trying to motivate change in herself only increase her shame.  Since shame is one of the primary motivators of addictive behavior, she may instead cope with the pain by acting out more.

These shame-filled messages only increase the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and longing that drew her to the addictive behaviors in the first place.  They echo stories of trauma and pain from her past. Addictive behaviors provide a temporary relief, but they don’t solve the problem at the root: the issue of identity.

What are we to do about this?

Instead of using condemning labels and heaping shame on yourself, take a closer look at your identity.  Exploring and establishing a strong sense of personal identity is not work that can happen overnight.  It is a gradual process that is steeped in self-care, relationships, and substantial shifts in your way of thinking about yourself and others.  But If you rest in a true and authentic understanding of who you are, you are much less likely to act in ways that contradict that identity.

Here are some ways to explore your identity and have a more accurate assessment of your self-worth:

• Practice nurturing yourself. If you’ve experienced any level of trauma or pain in your childhood, you’ve likely learned ways of coping or surviving that are more destructive than helpful. Begin to practice healthy ways of coping and self-care.

• Identify what you need. Addictive behavior often stems out of a legitimate desire that either wasn’t met in childhood or earlier experiences, or that you’re feeling now. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” and look for opportunities to meet that need.

• Speak words of kindness to your vulnerable self. In the moments when you feel the weakest and in pain, your tendency may be to heap more shame upon yourself. Instead, speak to yourself with words of love and kindness.

• Make a record of your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for accomplishments – no matter how small – can uplift your self-esteem and help clarify what’s important to you. This can pave the way for identifying areas of purpose and value in your life.

• Spend time with a close friend or loved one. The people we are closest to can affirm positive aspects of ourselves to which we are blind. Ask them to name the positive qualities they see in you.

• Spend time with God or reading the Bible. As Christians, our identity is founded in Christ. When you feel desolate and alone, reflect on God’s love and grace toward you, and become more firmly rooted in how He defines you as created in His image.

As you begin to explore your identity, you’ll develop a greater understanding of who you are, what makes you feel alive, and what gives you a sense of security and confidence in yourself.  My hope for you is to remind yourself of your true identity daily.  Make a collage of these words.  Write them down.  Place these words somewhere prominent so you can see them each and every day.   Be encouraged by these reminders when the messages of shame begin to grow.

Four Surefire Ways to Destroy Your Marriage

My guess is that you didn’t walk into your marriage hoping that one day you’d be signing divorce papers.  You typically don’t enter into a relationship with someone that you can’t stand, or anticipating arguing nonstop.  But it’s true that over time, couples tend to slip into unhelpful patterns of relating that create distance and conflict in their relationship.

John Gottman is a researcher on healthy marriages who claims that, by watching a couple interact with one another for 10 minutes, he can predict with over 90% accuracy whether they will divorce or remain married.  How does he achieve this kind of wizardry?

Gottman has identified different communication patterns that are consistent in relationships headed toward divorce.  When he sees these patterns, coined as the Four Horsemen, he knows this relationship is headed downhill if changes aren’t made.

Learn more about these Four Horsemen in this video:

Let's look in more depth at each type of communication he lists as a risk factor.

Criticism

Criticism is the first of what I would call the “offensive strategies.”  Instead of directly communicating a concern or complaint, criticism takes the form of a negative remark about your partner’s behavior that implies a flaw in their character.  These statements start with an accusation, indicated by the word “you”.  Criticism is usually the first Horsemen that pops up in a marriage.  If it is left unchecked, the feelings of harm or pain caused by the critical communication style will likely lead the other Horsemen to develop.

Example: “You’re so inconsiderate.  You always wait until the last minute to take out the trash.  If you actually cared about how stressed I am, you’d do it sooner.”

Contempt

As the second offensive strategy, contempt twists criticism into a more destructive pattern.  Contempt is criticism coming from a place of superiority or judgment.  It attacks your spouse's character in a pointed and sarcastic manner.  It usually involves behaviors like name-calling, cynicism, and mocking your partner.  If you've ever rolled your eyes and scoffed at your partner's choices, you likely know what contempt feels like.  Gottman identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of divorce.

Example: “You’re so stupid and lazy.  Don’t complain to me about having to take out the trash, like it’s so hard.  You’re such an idiot.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness, as can be expected from its name, is the first of the “defensive strategies.”  It involves making excuses to explain yourself against a perceived attack from your spouse.  Usually you notice a feeling of self-righteousness in response to criticism, or a desire to see yourself as the victim.  Defensiveness often comes after an insult to your pride and is an attempt to short-circuit taking responsibility.  Often, it turns the tables and places the blame back on your partner.

Example: “You think I’m inconsiderate for not taking out the trash?  Why would I try to be considerate when you leave the dirty dishes in the sink all day and can’t be bothered to clean them?”

Stonewalling

This defensive strategy is a bit like an invisible killer.  It’s the most difficult of the Four Horsemen to notice because it is quiet and contained.  Stonewalling is characterized by checking out mentally or emotionally, withdrawing from the conversation, not responding to requests or communication, or simply walking away.  I imagine it like a garage door closing over your attention: nothing is allowed in, and nothing can slip out.  When stonewalling, you can feel flooded, with adrenaline coursing through you a rush.  You can feel like your blood is boiling and your mind is racing, and you can't process any more information from your spouse.  You might stonewall in order to avoid lashing out in anger, having seen negative effects of those outbursts before.

Example: "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

At this point, you may see yourself in one (or many!) of these styles of communication.  But don't lose hope!  Recognizing these destructive relationship patterns is the first step toward change.  In a few weeks, we’ll talk through ways you can change your pattern of communication into a healthier and more honoring discussion with your spouse. (Hint – the video above previews some of these antidotes!)

In the meantime, pay attention to conversations with your spouse, coworkers, or friends.  While it may be easier to point out how everyone around you is using the Four Horsemen, I encourage you to notice which of these styles of communication are your default response when you’re disagreeing with someone.