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Everything Will Be Okay: Coping Amidst the Storm of Depression and Anxiety

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There are some days where it all just feels like too much.

Does that feel true for you? For the person with depression or anxiety, I would guess this sounds familiar.  When you feel overwhelmed in your life and there’s no easy solution, the voices in your mind that say “you can’t make it," “you won’t survive this,” or “it’s all too much” are incredibly persuasive.

Often pain and sadness that accompany depression and anxiety are genuine.  It is natural for the trauma survivor exploring the effects of her past abuse and harm to feel angry.  The grieving child mourning a parent’s unexpected death or the wife who just discovered her husband’s multiple affairs could feel that life isn’t fair. The new mother who is overwhelmed with balancing her work and family life and the man struggling with depression so severe it causes him to lose his job could turn their anger inward at themselves.  All these situations are legitimate, painful experiences that can’t be easily glossed over. 

In our pain, we seek to regain a sense of control by blaming others or blaming ourselves, but those contempt-filled accusations only increase our suffering.  Fighting back against the pain, in the form of going numb and running away or getting angry, actually increases the amount that we suffer.  It can leave us stuck and hopeless of moving forward.

To avoid getting stuck in the cycle of anger, hopelessness, and suffering, it can be helpful to choose radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance is a term coined by psychologist Marsha Linehan defined as acknowledging the reality of your present circumstance without judging yourself or the situation critically.  It involves looking at the situation as objectively as possible to see it for what it really is.

What radical acceptance does not mean is excusing other people or believing that painful events that have happened in your past were not all that bad.  It does not mean that you put up with abusive or harmful relationships or situations in your life.  On the contrary, it means acknowledging the situation you are in, facing and accepting that it happened, and making choices based on that fact.

In moments where the painful realities feel like too much, it can help to repeat affirmations that allow you to feel grounded and give you a sense of hope.  Here are some common coping statements for depression, anxiety, or dealing with trauma:

The Serenity Prayer: God, help me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is where I am right now, but it won’t be like this forever.

What happened to me wasn’t okay, and yet there’s nothing I can do to change the past.

Fighting against what happened only makes the pain worse and keeps me stuck.

I can’t control the past, but I can control this present moment and what I choose to do.

I’ve been through painful moments before, and I’ve survived. I’m strong enough to handle this.

I can’t control other people’s actions, but I can control my decisions and how I respond.

This circumstance gives me an opportunity to learn and grow.

I can handle this one day at a time.

I’m going to be okay.

Spend some time testing out these different phrases in your life.  See which ones stick or make the most sense in your story, and discard those that aren’t helpful.  Practice mindfulness to connect with your emotions and the affirmations that might be most helpful for you in this present moment. As you explore different ways of responding to pain as it arises, my hope is that using radical acceptance will help you both to acknowledge and feel the pain instead of running away from it, as well as feel a sense of comfort and peace about moving forward.

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How Are You an Unreliable Narrator in Your Own Life?

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Have you noticed the trend recently in popular fiction where thrillers are becoming all the rage?  Books like Gone Girl and Girl on the Train have become increasingly popular.  A common element in many of these novels is the “unreliable narrator.”  At some point during first-person point-of-view novels, there’s a twist that clues us in to the fact that the narrator may be filtering the truth in such a way that works to their advantage or tells their side of the story.  This plot device adds an additional layer of mystery to the text as we try to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.

When have you realized that what you believed was true was wrong all along?

We tend to filter our experience through our beliefs about people and the world around us in a way that twists reality and leads us to doubt what we know to be true.  It can start with one mistaken belief or critical comment.  Before we know it, that statement grows into an internal voice that leads us to filter our beliefs through this new lens.  In depression and anxiety, this is particularly common, as these disorders add an additional filter to our thoughts that twists them to be even more inaccurate, becoming what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.”

What is a cognitive distortion?

Wikipedia summarizes well a definition of cognitive distortions as “exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety.”

I think of it like the fun house attraction at those traveling fairs that rolled into town in your childhood.  Typically they featured mirrors that distorted your body shape and size.  This is a fitting picture of how our thoughts filter through these different lenses of reality and twist our beliefs into cognitive distortions.

Common Cognitive Distortions and Their Antidotes

While there are several different types of cognitive distortions, here are a few of the most common ones I’ve seen with depression and anxiety.  Alongside an example of each, I’ll provide an antidote (some ideas to try if you notice these are the filters you default to most commonly) and an adaptive thought (an example of a shift in thinking in response to that distortion).

All-or-nothing thinking happens when we believe that only two extremes exist, with no room for gray area in between.  We think in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, pass or fail. 

  • Example: “If I do poorly on this test, that means I’m a failure.”

  • Antidote: Make room for the gray in your life. We all make mistakes or do things poorly, but there are likely plenty of positives in your life as well. Think in terms of better and best instead of right and wrong.

  • Adaptive Thought: “One bad grade doesn’t disqualify the other good grades I’ve gotten or the hard work I put into studying.”

Overgeneralization occurs when we take an isolated event and expect that all other similar events will happen in the same way.

  • Example: “What’s the point of going out on dates? The last guy I dated didn’t call me back after the first date, so why should I expect anything different?”

  • Antidote: Recognize that each situation you experience is unique. If you believe this pattern exists, look for examples to disprove that pattern.

  • Adaptive Thought: “So that last date didn’t work out? We must’ve not been the right fit. The next guy I date might be a better fit for me.”

Jumping to conclusions involves assuming we already know how others will perceive us or how a situation will play out.

  • Example: “My friend didn’t say hi to me at church the other day – I must’ve done something wrong or offended her.”

  • Antidote: Reality check that assumption by either asking the other person if your belief is true or think of alternative explanations for what happened.

  • Adaptive Thought: “My friend might’ve been caught up in a conversation and didn’t see me at church, so it makes sense why she wouldn’t have said hi.”

Personalization is the belief that everything that happens around us is a direct response to something we have done or said.  This can lead to taking too much responsibility for how others respond to us, or worry that we’re being judged.

  • Example: “This party is so awkward – it must be because I’m so awkward and I’m ruining the night for everyone.”

  • Antidote: Set an internal boundary: affirm that you are not responsible for the thoughts and reactions of other people. What are some other reasons for the situation?

  • Adaptive Thought: “This party is kind of awkward because we don’t all know each other yet. Maybe I can start up a conversation with someone new or suggest a game to play!”

“Shoulds” involve thinking that we “should” do things a certain way, and if we don’t, it is a poor reflection on us or our character.

  • Example: “I should be exercising 5 days a week and if I’m not, I’m lazy.”

  • Antidote: Search for the source of that belief (family, friends, media, school, church, self) and explore why it has such an impact on you. Give yourself freedom to say “no” to it. Frame your decisions as a choice of what you want to do instead of “should” do.

  • Adaptive Thought: “I’d like to exercise more. I can choose to go for a run this afternoon.”

Emotional reasoning takes place when have a certain emotional response to our circumstances and come to accept that feeling as truth.

  • Example: “I feel ugly, so it must be true.”

  • Antidote: Remind yourself that emotions are changeable. Look for evidence that stands in direct contrast to the beliefs those emotions are telling you.

  • Adaptive Thought: “Even though I feel ugly, I know I’m feeling worse than usual today because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I know those emotions will pass.”

Which of these cognitive distortions do you see the world through most often?  How can you actively seek to change those filters and become a more reliable narrator in your life?

For Your Fourth of July Week

In light of the upcoming holiday and increased likelihood of either taking a vacation or enjoying a day off this next week, I've compiled a list of some tips and ideas for your trip based on some recent articles on the blog.  Also, the first of July also happens to be the midway point of the year! I’m guessing your New Year’s resolutions may have long since expired, but this might be a great time to start the second half of your year off fresh by trying some new ideas or recommitting to a past goal.

Self-Care Saturdays: Mastering the Art of Play

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

When we were kids, our main objective in the world was to play.  We could spend hours traipsing through the outdoors, creating our own games and imagining stories we’d act out with our friends.  But somewhere along the line, that sense of play was slowly overtaken by work –schoolwork, university, careers, and family life.

According to the Google, the verb “play” is defined as “engaging in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.”  As adults, this time can feel wasted or pointless because nothing is accomplished. 

But we need to bring play back into our lives.  There’s a simplicity to the idea of play that is missing from our experience as adults.  When we were children at play, we weren’t worried about anything other than the game or the imagined story in which we found ourselves.

There is an inherent value to engaging in play.  Play is an expression of freedom where I choose what I want to do right now and stop my play when it is no longer fun or enjoyable.  In this freedom, we experience greater creativity.  Children are encouraged to engage in play as a therapeutic technique to help them process pain and trauma they’ve experienced.

Oftentimes, play gets confused with leisure time, defined by distraction, disengagement, and emotional disconnection.  This is a sign that we’re using our leisure time to escape instead of rest.  In contrast, when you watch a child at play, you can see how engaged and curious they become in whatever exists around them, even if it seems trivial or unimportant.

Here are a few ideas to get you started on how to incorporate play in your life.

Remind yourself of how you used to play.

Over the course of time, we can lose touch with the playful spirit we had as children.  Dan Allender, in a series of podcasts on play, names a few questions to consider when you think about this topic.  What games do you enjoy playing?  What activities do you engage in that bring a sense of joy?  What did you used to play as a child that you enjoyed?

Be a kid on summer vacation again.

Think about all the ways you used to play in the summertime as a child.  What were some of the activities you loved?  Playgrounds and swings?  Exploring in the woods?  Schoolyard games?  Swimming in the lake?  Drawing with chalk?  Flying a kite?  Playing pick-up soccer or football?  Spend an afternoon doing some of these things!

Go to a museum or park designed for children and explore.

Some of my favorite memories of class field trips or family day trips involved visiting a zoo or a children’s science museum.  There was always so much to see and do, and I’d always learn something new.  Visit one of these parks or museums that you loved as a child with a curious and playful attitude.

Do a summer reading challenge.

As a lifelong book nerd, I always loved tearing through books as a kid to win a prize at our local library for amount of books read.  Many libraries have now extended the fun for adults and have broadened the ways you can earn points to include exploring the library buildings themselves, writing reviews for books, or attending library events.  I’ve joined in on the Ann Arbor District Library summer game for the past few years, which has plenty of options for fun and encourages me to attend community events I may not know about otherwise.

Throw a kid-themed party!

Friends’ birthday parties were always some of the highlights of the summer growing up.  Typically these parties involved themes, games, favors, and all the candy you could eat.  Invite your friends to a party and have a water balloon or water gun fight, get a piñata, or play children’s games like pin the tail on the donkey.

Learn from a child in your life.

Spend a day with a toddler or kid in your life, whether it’s your own child, a niece or nephew, or a friend’s child.  As you interact with them throughout the day, pay attention to how they view the world around them with curiosity and a sense of play.  Find ways to imitate that childlike spirit in your own life.

As you start to incorporate play into your life, pay attention to what emotions you feel.  You might find yourself distracted by embarrassment or shame.  You might feel silly or childish.  This is normal, especially at first, because play isn’t always encouraged in our day to day.  Observe your emotions, give yourself space to feel them, and know that the more you practice play, the more natural it becomes.

How will you begin to play this week?

What Does It Mean to Be a Man or a Woman?: How Messages About Gender Have Shaped Your View of Sexuality

In your experience, what does it mean to be a man or a woman?  How do you define masculinity and femininity?  In a time when we’re having more conversations about gender and identity, these questions are more in focus than they have been in our cultural past.  We look at the classic 1950s American housewife and scoff at this repressive stereotype of femininity.  We cry out against the misogyny we see in our culture.  But where do we come to understand our own perceptions of gender and sexuality?

Many of our ideas about masculinity and femininity are formed as a result of our upbringing and how gender roles were on display in our families or childhood.  Often, our families leave gaps in understanding of sexuality that we then fill through observing outside influences.    Two of the biggest influencers of our view of sexuality are the media and churches/religious institutions. 

Influences from the Media

In my undergraduate studies, I took a developmental psychology course where we completed a project focused on messages adolescents receive about sexuality from the media.  We reviewed three popular TV shows and coded stereotypes about men, women, and sexuality.  What I learned from this project was how sexuality and gender roles are closely tied to sexual intimacy, rather than masculinity and femininity.  These shows gave plenty of messages about men and women: dominance of men over vulnerable women, men as obsessed with sex, women judged for sexual behavior, women as objects whose only aim is to please men sexually, and expectations of women’s body shapes and sizes.  What the shows left out, unfortunately, were answers to major questions that adolescents are faced with, including what it means to be a man or a women. 

Pornography also has a strong effect on masculinity and femininity.  Expectations for sexual relationships are influenced by the images and behaviors of the actors.  Aggressive imagery in pornographic images affects men’s perceptions of women and can lead to increased aggression in both men and women and/or mistaken beliefs about women and sexual assault.  Women who view pornography may become desensitized to the violent imagery and view themselves as objects in the way they are portrayed in sexual scenes.

Influences from Churches and Religious Institutions

What about church or spiritual influences on your views of maleness and femaleness?  In general, church culture can give confusing messages about what it means to be a man or a woman

For men, church cultures can emphasize masculinity as involving leadership, whether in a pastoral role at a church or as a husband and father in a family.  This pressure to lead can cause men to feel overwhelmed by carrying the weight of stress and decision-making in the family or church, while women are expected to submit to their husbands’ or pastors' leading.

For women, a common message involves dressing modestly in order to not “tempt” the men, married or otherwise, in their lives.  This implies that women are responsible for men’s purity.  It is assumed that men are visual creatures who react to the sight of a woman’s body, while women are more relational and therefore aren’t affected by seeing men’s bodies.  (Funny how the popularity of films like Magic Mike may tell us something otherwise.)  In extreme, this belief can contribute to a culture that blames women for such things as sexual harassment or assault.

Distortion of ideas about men and women can lead to dissatisfaction in marriages and inaccurate expectations about sexual intimacy.  It can affect how women or men view themselves and can lead to lower self-esteem or self-worth.

Take some time to think through the messages that you received about masculinity and femininity and how that has influenced your perceptions about yourself and those around you.  Ask yourself some of these questions:

  • What are some of the early messages you received about what it means to be male? To be female?

  • What messages does the media give you about what it means to be a man or a woman?

  • What messages do the church and religious institutions give you about what it means to be a man or a woman?

  • If you are a man, what about you feels masculine? What aspects of your personality fit into your concept of masculinity? On the flip side, where do you struggle to feel like a man?

  • If you are a woman, what about you feels feminine? What aspects of your personality fit into your concept of femininity? Where do you feel less feminine?

Men and women are different.  Both bring unique strengths and weaknesses to the table.  And there are a multitude of ways to be masculine or feminine.  You bring a uniqueness to your personal identity that isn’t bound by stereotypes or cultural ideas that have been suggested to you about what it means to be male or female. This is a big topic, but my hope is that taking these questions and starting to think about them for yourself or talk about them with others will lead you into a greater understanding of your own ideas surrounding masculinity and femininity.

Four Tips to Stop Arguments Before They Start: Travel Edition

Summer vacation season is here!.  Maybe you have a road trip, cruise, or flight to an exotic locale planned.  Vacations involve a break in the routine, high stress of deadlines and flight times, and all that extended time spent with our loved ones: a perfect recipe to set us on edge.  It can be easy to use harsh words to those around us, feel anger or frustration at not being heard, or end the trip wishing we hadn't come.

I know this from personal experience: when you’re in the middle of a fight on a vacation, it's difficult to snap back into a relaxed, vacation-ready mood.  What are the things we can do that will help us to snap back into that mindset?

Preparing for a trip in a way that prevents arguments before they even start can help you avoid these travel-related spats with your loved ones.

John Gottman, an expert on healthy couples, suggests that we can learn from past arguments in order to prevent those same fights from happening in the future.  Gottman focuses on the way we argue: how our tone of voice, personal triggers, and ways of responding when feeling threatened can take over.

Instead of finding yourself in reactionary mode during your entire vacation, take a few ideas from the list below before you leave for your trip to practice a more preventative approach.

Reflect on arguments you’ve had on vacation before and look for any trigger events.

How many times have you thought back on an argument and forgotten what started it?  It could’ve been about something as trivial as which fast food restaurant to stop at for lunch or which route to take.  But before you know it, it’s blown up into a huge dispute that highlights your insecurities or fires up anger in you.

Your strong emotional reaction in these situations may be linked to something deeper than the relatively minor event that started the fight.  It serves as a red flag of a trigger: an event that reminds you of something from your past or present to which you are particularly sensitive.  It could be that your spouse raising her voice reminds you of when your father used to yell at you and your siblings on family camping trips.  This memory can lead to feelings of fear or anger.  Perhaps your friend’s sharp words about your driving remind you of your own insecurities around your skill as a driver.  This trigger could be driven by shame or self-protection.

What are some common triggers for you?  Take some time to reflect back on past arguments you’ve had on vacations and how you felt in the midst of them.  When did something similar happen on a past vacation with family or friends?  Did you notice any shame or insecurity coming up that you felt you had to defend?  What stories in your life explain why you might be sensitive to certain issues?

Have a conversation with your travel partner about past arguments you’ve had on trips. 

Once you’ve explored your triggers in travel situations, you can more clearly communicate them to others.   Before you leave for the trip you’re going on, answer these prompts based on Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight intervention with your travel buddy.

  1. “When we argued last trip, I felt…” – List the emotions you felt.

  2. “In my experience, what happened was…” – Imagine you’re watching a movie of the event from your point of view. What happened?

  3. “This was particularly hard for me because of…” – Explain the trigger: the past event or the experience of shame that led to your response and why you were particularly sensitive to it.

  4. “The part I played in this was…” – Name something you can take responsibility for: maybe you responded with anger and defensiveness, or you shut down emotionally.

  5. “Next time, what I can do….and what I need is…” – Identify a change you’d like to make the next time you disagree, as well as a change you’d like to ask of your partner.

While practicing this exercise, use the authentic communication formula and responses in order for both of you to feel heard and understood.  Remember – the goal isn’t to get back into arguing: it’s to understand what can set each of you off so you can know to avoid those trigger points on future trips.

Have an open conversation about expectations for the trip and come to a compromise.

We each bring our personal expectations into vacations.  For example, a husband might see the trip as a way to relax and check out of his daily life.  But his wife might look at it as an adventure and pack in as much fun and activity as she can.  Imagine this couple vacationing without having discussed their expectations first, and you can guess what might happen.

To fend off this potential disaster, talk with your loved ones about your hopes or expectations for this vacation.  Be open to compromise.  For the couple above, they could plan two day-long excursions in their vacation locale throughout the week, while reserving one day for relaxing on the beach.  You may not have the ideal vacation you had desired, but you can create a plan that cuts back on conflict and caters to everyone's ideas of fun.

Accept the fact that you will fight – and make a plan to recover and bring yourself back to fun!

Even if you understand what triggers your travel buddy and you do all the prevention you can, in reality you may still fight while you are on the trip.  Travel is high stress – there’s no getting around it. 

Instead of being surprised by fights, make a plan now for how to recover from those arguments.  You can use the above conversation prompts on the trip if needed, but it can also be helpful to remind yourself of the ways you have fun together.  Make a joke with your spouse.   Play a game with your friends in the car or on your iPhones (a friend and I tried the Heads Up! App on a trip and it was a game-changer for waiting in lines).  Create a music playlist with your family and have 30-second dance parties.

What can you plan to start now to prevent arguments on your vacations this summer?

Pain, Joy, and Longing: What The Giver Can Teach Us About Desire

What comes to your mind when you think about the word desire?  Is desire a familiar friend to you?  Or something that you run from as soon as you feel even a hint of it? We all carry different desires in our lives: desire for food, desire for another person, desire for a promotion at work, desire for a house (or a bigger house, or more stuff for your house).  Or perhaps your desire is more abstract: desire for more peace and calm in your life, desire to be loved, desire to achieve a mission or purpose in life.

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines the verb desire as “to long or hope for;” “to express a wish for” or “to feel the loss of.”  Notice how desire is so closely tied to disappointment or anticipation: we’re looking forward to something, but we haven’t yet attained it.  Or on the flip side, the final definition intertwines desire with loss or grief, as when we desire something we once had but lost.

What are some of the desires you identify most strongly in your life?

A short time before the movie release a few years ago, I read the children’s book The Giver by Lois Lowry.  In this novel, the characters live in a dystopian future where everything exists in shades of gray.  The lack of visible color extends as a metaphor to the citizens’ emotions and longings.  The inhabitants of this community take a pill each day that suppresses desire and emotion.  The plot of the book begins when the main character, Jonas, is assigned to the role of Receiver of Memory.  This assignment requires him to receive all the painful memories that the society has wiped from its memory. 

I listened to a podcast discussing some of these themes in greater detail after reading the book.   This theme discussed in the podcast struck me: because the characters in the book do not experience emotion and have no memories, they don’t experience feelings of pain.

Wouldn’t we all like that?  Our world is full of pain: we have only to open up a newspaper, turn on the TV, or take a walk on the city streets to see suffering in our world.  We grieve the deaths of those we love, we feel pain at broken relationships, we are shocked by the violence around the world, and we weep at images of children who are starving.

As Jonas begins his process of receiving the memories the society chose to erase, he is wrecked by the intensity of the emotions he feels, ranging from joy to sadness.  In the process, something starts to change in him.  He begins to see in color.  He stops taking his pills and begins to experience desire, sadness, and joy in his daily life.  Emotions he didn’t even know existed are now rising to the surface.

Another theme that surprised me in this novel was the assertion that medicating pain through erasing memories doesn't just strip these people of suffering.  Because pain and longing do not exist, there is no opportunity for joy.

There are a multitude of ways that I attempt to make myself happy to feel a fragment of that joy in my day-to-day life.  I’ll obsess over how many Facebook likes I get on that photo, spend hours playing mindless games on my phone when work feels overwhelming, or stop and get my favorite fast food when I’ve had a bad day.   But it doesn’t take long for me to realize that these are all ways I’m simply medicating my pain and deadening my feelings through this false sense of happiness, while denying the deeper desire that bubbles just beneath the surface. 

We all have ways that we choose to escape from our pain and longings. These typically involve us numbing that pain or desire, driving it far away so we don't have to deal with it or feel it.  We can run to shopping, drugs or alcohol, sex, the approval of others, perfection, power…any number of things that quiet the voices inside of us that want something more.

How do you avoid pain and deaden your heart to your desires?

Pain is uncomfortable, that's true.  Longing typically leads to pain, because our longings likely won’t be perfectly fulfilled in this life.  But if I kill my desire and shove my pain into a deep dark corner of my heart where it will never be acknowledged, my life will be flat.  Maybe I won’t feel sadness or longing, but I also am robbed of my ability to experience joy.

I love that joy and pain are juxtaposed so clearly together.  They are two strong and seemingly opposing emotions, but you have to be able to experience one to find another.  As a Christian, I am grateful for the pain God has brought me through, because the deeply rooted joy I can now experience is so clearly an outflow of that.  I can rejoice and be thankful in God.

How can you choose to acknowledge your desire, knowing that it will be painful?

I need to choose to embrace desire every day.  (And to be honest, I’m not always successful.)  It is easy to find ways to medicate pain in our world, because we as a people don’t like to feel these difficult emotions.  But I must choose to sit in pain or sadness when I feel it, rather than running away from it.  I must choose to become alive to my desires, although that often hurts.  And in so doing, I’m opening myself up to experiencing joy and compassion toward others.

Empathy in the Face of Vulnerability: Responding to Authentic Communication

Last week on the blog, we talked about a formula on how to communicate authentically about your feelings with people in your life: “I feel _________ about/because of ____________, and what I need is __________.”  In light of that, it seems fitting this week to take a look at how to respond when you’re on the receiving end of this style of communication.  How do you respond when someone expresses difficult thoughts or feelings to you?

For most of us, it is unusual for someone to communicate emotions directly and in an assertive way like this.  We can feel insecure or uncertain of how to respond.  We want to be empathetic, but sometimes we worry that our words will be trite or dismissing.  Or maybe we’re uncomfortable with the fact that they shared this information with us in the first place, and managing that discomfort takes all of our attention.

We tend toward a few possible ways to respond when someone approaches us to share their emotions.  In general, we can be uncomfortable around negative or painful emotions.  We might avoid painful emotions in our own lives, so seeing or hearing someone express an emotion vulnerably might lead us to put pressure on ourselves to put a positive spin on it.  Or we can become defensive, particularly if the emotions being expressed are in response to something we’ve done.  Perhaps the person’s vulnerability in sharing feelings or needs from us require us to apologize or identify changes we need to make in our own lives.

What holds you back from responding with empathy?

Ultimately, expressing emotions and responding with empathy to others is vulnerable, in that we have to connect with uncomfortable or painful emotions inside ourselves in order to understand them in others.

In order for us to truly empathize with someone else, we have to step into their shoes and look at the world through their perspective.  We may not fully understand, as we may not have had the same experience in our story.  But as they share emotions of anger, sadness, fear, or hurt, we can look at ways we’ve felt those same emotions before to get a picture of what they’re going through.

Brené Brown, a well-known researcher on shame and empathy, briefly explains the difference between empathy and sympathy here:

I love how she underlines the idea of “silver-lining” someone’s pain – looking for the “at least” or the message.  In Christian circles, we can sometimes jump too quickly to platitudes like “God works all things together for good.”  While that does hold truth, it can silence any emotion or pain the individual is experiencing.  True empathy creates space for emotions to be felt.

How have you tried to “silver lining” someone’s pain?

In relationships, John Gottman talks about the importance of validating one another’s perspective in order to create intimacy.  Couples in conflict tend to get stuck in push and pull arguments that become battles to win or lose.  Slowing down and engaging in this practice of empathy rather than seeking to make your partner feel better or stop feeling the negative emotion creates intimacy in your relationships.

Take time to validate your partner.  Validation involves responding to another’s expression of feelings and experiences in a way that communicates you understand or you can see from their perspective.  In so doing, you don’t necessarily have to agree with them.  For example, your partner might interpret you forgetting to take out the trash as disrespecting him or her.  Even if that wasn’t your intention, you can still respond by expressing that you understand that feeling and how it might have affected them.  This diffuses the tension, as your partner will likely feel more heard and understood.

Here’s some examples of validating responses:

  • I can see why you felt this way.

  • I understand how my actions communicated that.

  • It makes sense to me why you responded that way, knowing what you were thinking and feeling.

There is no perfect response here: you can’t say any magic words that will instantly fix any problems you have in your relationships.  But the more you are able to validate and empathize with the experiences of others, the more likely you are to build strong relationships where your loved ones feel safe sharing difficult emotions and experiences with you.

“Rarely can a response make something better.  What makes something better is connection.” – Brené Brown

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Self-Care Saturdays: Take a Day Off

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Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

As we get to the outset of summer, I’m always reminded of what summer meant when we were kids.  School was out!  Which meant endless days of play, sleeping in, no homework, and time with friends.  Each year we were given these precious few months to completely shut down our daily routine and schedules and spend the entire time getting some much needed rest.

But as adults, we often don’t have the same leisure in our lives.  We often take only one or two weeks of vacation a year.  Our weekends can be filled with more work, either from our work responsibilities spilling over to the weekend, or with housework or other various tasks.  Our culture encourages working until the point of exhaustion.  We are desperately in need of time to rest.

One simple way to begin incorporating more of the rest we need into our lives is through taking a Sabbath day of rest.

Why do we need it?   

Research has shown that downtime or idle time gives benefits including more creative and productive work, improvements in memory, and increased energy.  For the Christian, Sabbath days of rest are something to which we are called.  One of the Ten Commandments is to honor the Sabbath (Exodus 20:8-11), following God’s example of rest on the seventh day.

For me personally, taking a day of rest is something that’s felt increasingly important.  As a recovering perfectionist, it has always been difficult to rest.  I worry about failure or not doing enough.  But in Deuteronomy 5:15, God exhorts the Israelites to take a Sabbath as a reminder of His actions and provision in leading them out of slavery in Egypt. My choice to take a Sabbath affirms the truth of this verse: that ultimately, God is working and providing in my life, and I don’t have to be responsible for it all.

What holds you back from resting?  What are you afraid of?

Once you’ve decided to rest, the next step is the most important of all: make a plan.  If you don’t make a plan, you likely won’t do it.  Typically, a Sabbath day of rest is an entire day.  If you can’t plan for a full day due to time constraints, intentionally set aside a portion of a day or two each week to engage in restful activities.

Next, spend some time gathering ideas of what will refresh you on your Sabbath.  When we fill our days off with activities that help us escape, but don’t refresh or renew us, we can often end the day feeling more drained than we did at the start.  Plan to include activities in your day that will be refreshing rather than just filling time. 

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Turn off your technology.

A University of Maryland study showed that college students who unplugged from technology for a day experienced a greater sense of mental rest and well-being.  Turning off technology creates space and quiet in your life, which are two things that are necessary on your days of rest.   Try turning off your phone for a few hours as an experiment first.  Notice how it feels to be released from the constant tie to technology.

Spend time with people you love.

Prioritize a date night with your spouse or spend the evening with your family or friends doing something enjoyable and relaxing.  Spend time expressing gratitude to your loved ones about their presence in your life.  For the Christian, this might involve spending time with God.  You could read and meditate on Scripture, journal, pray, spend time in nature, play or sing worship music, or anything else that helps you to connect with God.

Slow down.

I love to bake on my Sabbath.  Baking bread often takes hours, as you need to wait for it to rise multiple times.  Having an entire day in which to slowly bake a loaf of bread reminds me to take my time and be patient.  Try this yourself with something you love: make a meal that takes a few hours to cook.  Take a long walk with your friend or spouse.  Sleep in.  Sit and breathe deeply.  Take a bath instead of a shower.  Read a long book.

Have fun!

When we were kids on summer vacation, we could always find something fun to do.  Take some time to sit down and make a list of all the things you have done that have been fun, and then plan then into your day of rest.  Become a kid again and play at a playground or park, color in a coloring book, or visit a children’s museum.

Do a hobby.

Is there a pastime that you love, but you never make time for it?  Or maybe something you’ve been meaning to learn, but haven’t yet?  Spend part of your day of rest doing a hobby that you enjoy.  If you think you don’t have hobbies, remember when you were a child and how you spent your time.  What were some of the things you enjoyed doing?  Use this as the basis for ideas of what hobbies you could pick up.

Embrace trial and error.

As you start the process of setting aside a day of rest or a Sabbath, it will be difficult at first, like learning a new skill.  Often the first few days, you won’t feel as refreshed as you’d like, or you’ll end up in distraction or escape. Something you thought would be restful might end up feeling like work.  Instead of throwing in the towel, keep trying new ideas.  As you experiment with different rhythms, you’ll figure out the best ways to become refreshed.

Keep in mind: what is restful for someone else won’t always be restful for you.  Part of this process is one of self-exploration.  You can try some activities that others suggest, but don’t be discouraged if they don’t work for you.  As you begin to experiment with different ways to rest, you’ll get to know more of what you personally need to feel rested on your Sabbath day.

Try this out sometime in the next few weeks!  Pick a day to spend either the full day or a portion of the day resting.  Try out a few of the ideas above to see if those might feel restful.  Read a book or two that will remind you of the why and how of rest: I like Sabbath by Wayne Muller or Sabbath-Keeping by Lynne M. Baab.  And remember: as you slow down and stop your work, you’re helping yourself to return to your work re-energized and affirming that the world doesn’t rest on your shoulders.

If you’re looking for more recommendations on books about rest, or if you yourself have a good resource to recommend, check out our Facebook page, where you can comment with ideas or read what others have suggested.

The Magic Formula for Authentic Communication

I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had the experience of attempting to express how we feel to someone, like a spouse, teacher, or friend, and feeling like the words we say are misunderstood.  We think we’re communicating clearly, but the person to whom we’re talking gets an entirely different message than what we intended.  This is especially common in arguments, where our messages can get mixed up in strong emotions and come out as accusations or criticism of those we love.

John Gottman researched this pattern in couples in conflict, which can be accompanied by criticism or contempt.  He describes this type of communication as “harsh start-up”, characterized by statements that begin with the word “you,” such as “you didn’t listen to me,” or “you always yell at me and storm off,” or “you started all of this.”  By starting a conversation this way, you’re already setting your partner up to be on the defensive.

So how we can communicate more clearly and honestly?  Gottman suggests using “gentle start-up,” as demonstrated in the simple formula we’ll walk through below.  This formula can be used in marriage, but also in everyday conversations with friends or assertive communication with a coworker or manager.  With each step below, I’ll also mention how you can begin to practice this skill on your own before using it in conversation.

Step 1: “I feel…”

Notice how this statement begins with the word “I” instead of “you.”  This instantly puts less pressure on your partner to become defensive, as you are talking only about your own emotion.  By naming an emotion, you are identifying how the situation or your partner’s behavior is affecting you.  This also can be a vulnerable step, as sharing emotion with others invites them to empathize with you and experience greater intimacy with you as a result.

To practice: To name how a situation makes you feel, you first need to be aware of how you experience emotions in your body, as well as how to distinguish between different emotions.  Spend some time checking in with your emotions daily or when you notice strong emotion arise.  You can use a chart like the one here to put a word to the emotion.  Pay attention to where you feel the emotion in your body: for example, anxiety can feel like knots in the stomach, sadness can feel like a slump of the shoulders, or anger can feel like a sensation of heat.  If you’d like to go deeper, ask yourself: when was the first time I remember feeling this emotion?  Connecting the feeling to a story from childhood can increase your awareness of why you feel that emotion.

Step 2: “because/about…”

Here, you name the situation or experience you had that contributed to the emotional response.  You can name your perspective on the situation or how you interpreted events using words such as “when I saw…” or “when I heard you say…”  One warning though: this step is one of the easiest to use to flip back into harsh start-up.  If your sentence looks something like, “I feel angry because you’re a terrible person,” that will (obviously) cause your partner to become defensive.

To practice: As you begin to become more aware of your emotions, you’ll notice a variety of situations that trigger different emotions in you.  If you’re paying attention to times in your childhood when you previously felt these emotions, you can often begin to trace patterns to your present day life where you respond in similar ways.  Maybe you notice that when you felt ashamed as a child, you would retreat to your room, which is reflected today in your tendency to withdraw from your spouse when you’re feeling shame in the midst of conflict.  Look at these triggers with a critical eye and practice describing your personal experience or point-of-view.

Step 3: “and what I need/want is…”

This is one of the most important and helpful pieces of the formula, as it is the first step to change.  However, it can also be one of the most challenging steps to take.  We often aren’t used to telling those around us what we need.  Our romance-glorifying culture tells us that our spouses should know what we need without us asking.  We can be hesitant to speak about our needs or desires in relationships because they put us in a vulnerable place in risk of being hurt.  But this step is crucial for being able to begin to see growth in intimacy in our relationships.

When expressing this need, be sure to share it in a positive way: instead of telling your partner what you don’t want them to do, instead share what you do want.  For example, instead of telling your spouse to stop pointing out your flaws, you might ask him or her to compliment you more often.

To practice: When you feel strong emotions about situations around you, slow down and ask yourself this question, “What would help me to feel better, more emotionally at peace, or more secure in this situation?”  As you reflect on that question, your needs may begin to become more clear.  Practice saying these needs aloud in a way that feels comfortable to you, so that you can more easily do so in conversation.

Ultimately, the goal of communicating authentically using this formula is to increase intimacy in relationships and to build solid connections with those around you.

The first few times you use this formula can feel scary or awkward.  But as you practice and speak more openly about your emotions and experiences, you’ll notice this formula integrating itself into your daily conversations, and I believe you’ll find yourself connecting more authentically and intimately by offering your true self to others.