sexuality

Understanding the Nature of Addiction: Task 2 in Carnes' 30 Task Model of Addiction Recovery

At this point, you’ve been propelled into recovery through a crisis of decision.  You may have faced a rock bottom moment, like an STD or a spouse’s discovery of your behaviors, that led you to begin to break through denial and admit that you have a problem outside of your control.

But when you begin your journey of recovery from addiction, chances are you are unfamiliar with the specifics of the illness with which you are dealing.  Even though you have plenty of experience living out addiction, you probably don’t know much about the underlying causes of what you’re going through. 

Task 2: Understand the Nature of the Illness

In this task, you will learn more about sex and love addiction, including common symptoms, information about how addiction forms, and patterns it follows.  If you are facing sex and love addiction, there are several different manifestations of addiction that you will come to understand through Patrick Carnes’ ten types of behavior, a categorization system created to describe the significance of varied areas of sexual acting out behavior.

Learning about the mechanics of addiction can answer many of your “why” questions, like “why is it so hard to stop?” or “why do I keep coming back to this?”  As you explore addiction, you’ll learn about neurochemistry and how process addictions (those that involve a behavior rather than a substance like drugs or alcohol) work in the brain.

You may also find connections between your personal history and your present-day addiction.  Abuse and neglect are common factors in many addicts’ histories.  Sexual development is often disrupted, leading to a faulty understanding of healthy sexuality.  Even without an obvious history of abuse or neglect, you may uncover messages communicated to you about yourself, your body, or sex. Critical life events that had an impact, like an unexpected death or illness in the family, or your family’s culture and structure may have inadvertently contributed to your addiction.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness are common in addiction, as you don’t know many others who have felt the ways you have in addiction. Getting connected to other addicts, hearing their stories, and recognizing the patterns of your own addiction that match up with theirs can help you feel less alone.

Practical Steps for Task 2

Read!

Gather information about your addiction by reading and researching more about it.  While the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5) does not utilize sex and love addiction as a diagnosis, you can compare your experience with the DSM-5 criteria for substance use disorders, as in alcohol use disorder.  Learning from books, listening to podcasts, or reading articles from trusted sources can all help you see stories of addiction that mesh with your experience.  It can also explain some of the symptoms you’ve experienced but not fully understood.

Here are a few books I would offer as a starting place for reading and learning more:

Similarly, here are a few informational articles I’ve put together about sex and love addiction:

Review and personalize the cycle of addiction.

In several of the materials listed above, you can find information about the cycle of addiction.  Review the steps involved with a particular focus on preoccupation/fantasy, ritual, acting out behaviors, and despair.  See if you can identify how each of these steps manifests for you.

What were the first triggers that got you thinking of your compulsive sexual behaviors?  What was on your mind while you were fantasizing or preparing to act out?  What behaviors prepare you to act out?  What form did the acting out take?  How did you feel afterward?

If you have multiple different forms of compulsive sexual behavior from which you are seeking healing (eg. pornography use and engaging in affairs), create a separate cycle for each of those forms of acting out.

Identify the function of your fantasies.

As you focus on the fantasy component of the cycle, ask yourself: how does your fantasy work to propel your addiction forward?  What types of situations or scenarios do you fantasize about?  What need are they meeting?  Don’t limit this exploration to sexual fantasies, but include non-sexual fantasies, such as a career you’ve dreamed about, for similar themes.

Often fantasies reveal an underlying need that has gone unmet in the past or is currently unmet by your lifestyle.  If your initial thought about your need is for “more sex,” identify what sex represents to you and why you feel you need more of it, as that might get you closer to a core need. 

If you’re still having trouble getting to the deeper need, connect with a therapist or trusted mentor, like a sponsor, to help you uncover any underlying desires that might be at play. 

Learn about sexual anorexia and the binge-purge cycle.

Often addiction can go unnoticed because it is coupled with sexual anorexia, forming a cycle of bouts of sexual behaviors followed by avoidance and fear of sex.  Sexual anorexia is, simply put, “an aversion to being sexual” (Carnes, Facing the Shadow).  Sexual anorexia involves intentionally depriving yourself of sexuality in order to avoid the discomfort or pain that it brings up, often due to past abuse or negative messaging about sex.

Addicts can be both addicted and anorexic at the same time.  For example, an addict who uses pornography daily but avoids sex with his spouse is exercising both sexual addiction and anorexia.  It can also appear in a binge-purge pattern of use, where an addict binges by acting out frequently over a short period of time, followed by a long stretch in which they avoid sexual behaviors or thoughts.

If you relate to this description of sexual anorexia, Patrick Carnes has written an in-depth book on this issue entitled Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred which may be worth a read to help you understand. 

Review and list the consequences of addiction you’ve experienced.

As you read, you’re likely to learn about impacts of sexual behaviors of which you weren’t aware previously.  Perhaps you had some problems in your life that you didn’t realize were connected to addiction, but you’re noticing their connections after learning about the symptoms.  Facing the Shadow has some helpful exercises related to exploring these consequences more deeply.

Identify common factors with others in recovery.

While one of the most important first steps in breaking through denial is joining a group and finding accountability with other recovering addicts, you can also understand the illness of your addiction more fully as you listen to the stories of others and identify stories that line up with your own.  Though you may have vastly different manifestations of acting out or consequences to your behavior, look for the common factors you share.  These factors might have nothing to do with addiction on the surface but might include such historical information as a rigid family upbringing or a lack of adequate education on healthy sexuality.

Create a timeline of your sexual history.

Consider your own sexual development.  What were some of the key sexual experiences you had throughout your life?  Break this timeline down into time periods, such as childhood, early adolescence, late adolescence, young adulthood, middle adulthood, etc.  Your timeline may include abuse or harmful experiences, but it can also include more positive or neutral moments as well.  You can use defining events (eg. going to college, getting married, losing a job) as timeline markers, particularly if they had a significant influence on the progression of the addiction.

Reflect back on the messages you received about sex growing up.  Were you given adequate sexual information?  Was anything left out?  How were sex or sexual matters discussed in your household?  Some of the messages about sex you received may be indirect.  Perhaps your parents never had a conversation with you about the birds and the bees, but you picked up your knowledge of sex from peers or porn.  Maybe TV shows, cultural norms, or images depicted in pornography had an influence on your view of sex. 

Include how you came to understand your masculinity or femininity.  Often we receive messages from similar sources (parents, media, peers) about what it means to be a man or a woman, which can teach faulty messages that contribute to addiction.  Addiction itself can also teach distorted messages about men and women.  Abuse is another factor that can impact this messaging, so be aware of any influences from that arena. 

Share this timeline with someone else.

In the same vein as sharing with a sponsor or trusted friend about your addiction, as mentioned in task 1, once you’ve compiled this timeline of sexual behaviors, go over it together with a sponsor, mentor, therapist, or trusted friend.  Opening up to someone who you trust to be able to receive and listen to your story without judgment is a necessary part of recovery.  Ask for feedback or themes that they notice of which you might not be aware.

This is great preparation for sharing your First Step with a sponsor or in the context of a 12 Step meeting.  Understanding your personal history and how it applies to your story of addiction can lead to significant insight into how your addiction functions.

Disappointed With Your Sex Life in Marriage? Tips to Improve Sexual Intimacy

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Sexual intimacy is one of the most thorny issues for married couples.  Messages we get from media and our world tell us that sex is supposed to be easy, natural, and feel good.  Unfortunately, that’s often not the reality in marriage.  Histories of past abuse, faulty beliefs about sex, conflict in your marriage, or past sexual experiences can influence sexual intimacy.

Add sex and love addiction into the mix and you’ve got deeper layers of trauma, distorted sexuality, and faulty communication styles that get in the way.  Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder, meaning that all areas of intimacy, including sexual, are influenced by the addiction.

What does it mean to have a healthy view of your sexuality?  Marnie Ferree, in her book for female sex and love addicts No Stones*, speaks of the cornerstones of healthy sexuality as sexual choice, sexual information and attitudes, and sexual presence.  I also believe understanding expectations around sex, particularly those influenced by spiritual backgrounds, are important.  Addressing emotional intimacy in the relationship is an crucial component of feeling comfortable in the sexual realm. 

Sexual Choice, Not Coercion

Sexual choice involves the freedom to choose to be sexual out of a desire for the other person, rather than feeling forced or coerced into engaging in sexual activity. Sex with mixed motives (to feel good about yourself, to keep your spouse from bugging you about it, as a bribe) can distort your view of sex.

If you are feeling coerced into sexual behaviors with which you do not feel comfortable, or you are forced into sexual acts without your consent, this is sexual abuse.  If this is happening, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE to get connected to help in your area.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I feel like I have to be sexual in order to be loved?

  • Do I feel like I need to give my spouse sex in order to keep them with me?

  • Do I not have a choice in the matter?

Messages, Information, and Expectations about Sex

Couples need correct sexual information and attitudes, as these are often flawed or distorted by past abuse and abandonment patterns, the influence of media, comparison with peers, and messages from family or the church.  What you expect from your sexual relationship may be drastically different from the reality you experience.

Part of the issue comes from a lack of knowledge about sex.  With school programs focused on abstinence-only education, and many parents feeling uncomfortable having the “sex talk” with their children, it is easy to see how we are left with misinformation about sex.  For most of today’s teenagers and young adults, sex education comes from peers, media, or pornography, which all offer skewed pictures of healthy intimacy.

Unfortunately, distortions around the purpose of sexual intimacy can also come from churches.  Sex may be seen as simply a way to procreate, or it can be associated with shame due to an overemphasis on abstinence.  In reality, the Bible indicates that sex within marriage is intended for pleasure and delight. It gives couples the opportunity to honor and love someone other than the self in addition to creating new life. Song of Solomon is an entire book of the Bible focused on marital sexuality and its role in reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church.

Ask yourself:

  • Where or from whom did I learn about sex?

  • What were some of my earliest sexual experiences?

  • What expectations about sex did I have walking into marriage?

  • How have they changed?

  • What messages did I get from the church/my religious upbringing around sex?

  • Do I feel awkward or like I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m being sexual with my spouse?

Presence

Sexual presence, or ability to stay engaged in the present moment of sex with the partner, is necessary.  It can be easy to become distracted or to have your mind on other things when you’re engaging in sexual intimacy with your spouse, particularly for women.  Addicts may dissociate or fantasize during the sexual act as a residual coping mechanism.  Body image issues can be a distraction to being present, as well as unresolved conflict or tension.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I have a hard time staying in the present moment in life in general?  While being sexually intimate?

  • Do I tend to fantasize or distract myself during sexual intimacy?

  • Am I too focused on the way my body looks to relax and enjoy sex? 

Communication

Another key element of healthy sexuality within marriage involves direct communication with your spouse about sex before, during, and after sexual activity. Without these clear lines of communication, there can be misunderstandings about what each of you prefers. Affirmation about what you like helps with closeness and understanding of sexual needs within marriage. Addicts who are dealing with sexual shame can be aided by honest communication about feelings and acceptance with their spouse.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I talk regularly with my spouse about sexual intimacy?

  • How would talking about sex make me feel?  Nervous?  Afraid?

  • Do one or both of us tend to be critical about sex? 

Emotional Connection

I believe healthy sexuality involves not just sex itself, but also emotional connection in the relationship.  The intimacy present in marriage outside the bedroom of knowing one another and expressing and receiving affection, appreciation, and respect feed feelings of intimacy.

Honesty and vulnerability are often difficult concepts to grasp, especially when you have been in situations where you were taken advantage of or unsafe.  It involves great risk to open yourself up to emotional vulnerability with another person, and yet it elevates intimacy on all levels when you engage.

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Ask yourself:

  • Do I struggle with any of the other areas of sexual intimacy because I don’t feel emotionally close to my spouse?

  • Do I have a hard time being honest or vulnerable, and turn to sex to create intimacy instead?

  • Do I use sex to run away from painful or uncomfortable emotions?

What Does It Mean to Be a Man or a Woman?: How Messages About Gender Have Shaped Your View of Sexuality

In your experience, what does it mean to be a man or a woman?  How do you define masculinity and femininity?  In a time when we’re having more conversations about gender and identity, these questions are more in focus than they have been in our cultural past.  We look at the classic 1950s American housewife and scoff at this repressive stereotype of femininity.  We cry out against the misogyny we see in our culture.  But where do we come to understand our own perceptions of gender and sexuality?

Many of our ideas about masculinity and femininity are formed as a result of our upbringing and how gender roles were on display in our families or childhood.  Often, our families leave gaps in understanding of sexuality that we then fill through observing outside influences.    Two of the biggest influencers of our view of sexuality are the media and churches/religious institutions. 

Influences from the Media

In my undergraduate studies, I took a developmental psychology course where we completed a project focused on messages adolescents receive about sexuality from the media.  We reviewed three popular TV shows and coded stereotypes about men, women, and sexuality.  What I learned from this project was how sexuality and gender roles are closely tied to sexual intimacy, rather than masculinity and femininity.  These shows gave plenty of messages about men and women: dominance of men over vulnerable women, men as obsessed with sex, women judged for sexual behavior, women as objects whose only aim is to please men sexually, and expectations of women’s body shapes and sizes.  What the shows left out, unfortunately, were answers to major questions that adolescents are faced with, including what it means to be a man or a women. 

Pornography also has a strong effect on masculinity and femininity.  Expectations for sexual relationships are influenced by the images and behaviors of the actors.  Aggressive imagery in pornographic images affects men’s perceptions of women and can lead to increased aggression in both men and women and/or mistaken beliefs about women and sexual assault.  Women who view pornography may become desensitized to the violent imagery and view themselves as objects in the way they are portrayed in sexual scenes.

Influences from Churches and Religious Institutions

What about church or spiritual influences on your views of maleness and femaleness?  In general, church culture can give confusing messages about what it means to be a man or a woman

For men, church cultures can emphasize masculinity as involving leadership, whether in a pastoral role at a church or as a husband and father in a family.  This pressure to lead can cause men to feel overwhelmed by carrying the weight of stress and decision-making in the family or church, while women are expected to submit to their husbands’ or pastors' leading.

For women, a common message involves dressing modestly in order to not “tempt” the men, married or otherwise, in their lives.  This implies that women are responsible for men’s purity.  It is assumed that men are visual creatures who react to the sight of a woman’s body, while women are more relational and therefore aren’t affected by seeing men’s bodies.  (Funny how the popularity of films like Magic Mike may tell us something otherwise.)  In extreme, this belief can contribute to a culture that blames women for such things as sexual harassment or assault.

Distortion of ideas about men and women can lead to dissatisfaction in marriages and inaccurate expectations about sexual intimacy.  It can affect how women or men view themselves and can lead to lower self-esteem or self-worth.

Take some time to think through the messages that you received about masculinity and femininity and how that has influenced your perceptions about yourself and those around you.  Ask yourself some of these questions:

  • What are some of the early messages you received about what it means to be male? To be female?

  • What messages does the media give you about what it means to be a man or a woman?

  • What messages do the church and religious institutions give you about what it means to be a man or a woman?

  • If you are a man, what about you feels masculine? What aspects of your personality fit into your concept of masculinity? On the flip side, where do you struggle to feel like a man?

  • If you are a woman, what about you feels feminine? What aspects of your personality fit into your concept of femininity? Where do you feel less feminine?

Men and women are different.  Both bring unique strengths and weaknesses to the table.  And there are a multitude of ways to be masculine or feminine.  You bring a uniqueness to your personal identity that isn’t bound by stereotypes or cultural ideas that have been suggested to you about what it means to be male or female. This is a big topic, but my hope is that taking these questions and starting to think about them for yourself or talk about them with others will lead you into a greater understanding of your own ideas surrounding masculinity and femininity.