Why We Need People: How Friendships Help You Live Longer

On any given day, how many people do you interact with?  Take a day this week and count the number of people with whom you have a social interaction, whether they be friends, family, baristas, or coworkers. 

In the past, face-to-face social interactions were more common.  Whether it was a spouse, family member, friend, coworker, or even just a cashier or postal worker, you would have some form of social contact on a daily basis.

Yet in a world where we are more connected through texting, social media, and FaceTime, that face-to-face contact is becoming less frequent.  It’s easier to purchase items online, use the self-checkout at the grocery store, text a friend rather than setting up a meeting, or work from home. 

While the advances in technology that allow us to do these things are convenient and useful, they have the potential to create a roadblock to relationships.

“Now, social isolation is the public health risk of our time.”

— Susan Pinker

As a therapist working with sex and love addicts, I often emphasize how important relationships are to my clients.  Yes, involvement in support groups and one-on-one relationships foster accountability from destructive behaviors.  But more than that, they provide healing to relational wounds that often form the foundation of the addiction.

Susan Pinker, in her TED talk, shares research she’s discovered about the roles of social contact and friendships in longevity and other health benefits.  She traveled to Sardinia’s Blue Zone, which has the largest concentration of adults over the age of 100 in the world.  Find out what she learned from these interviews in her talk.

What surprised you about this video?  Here were some helpful insights I gained:

People who have more social interactions live longer.

While Susan Pinker was interviewing the centenarians in the Blue Zone, she continually came into contact with family members and friends of these individuals who would stop by to say hello.  Their caregivers felt privileged and grateful to care for their loved ones.  Research about protective factors in relationships reinforces the influence of extended family, friends, neighbors, and daily interactions on longevity.

Online interactions do not have the same impact as face-to-face conversations.

Technology continues to develop to create closer imitations to face-to-face meetings, allowing for a greater sense of connection.  However, in the research on neuroscience cited by Pinker, she notes that oxytocin and dopamine were noticed in higher levels when individuals had face-to-face discussions as compared to viewing a video of a similar discussion.  Oxytocin and dopamine are two neurochemicals involved in the addictive patterns of sex and love addiction, further reinforcing the power of relationships for healing from addiction.

“Building your village…and sustaining it is a matter of life and death.”

— Susan Pinker

A factor in women’s longer lifespans may be their number of social contacts.

Anthropological research Pinker quoted indicates that research on baboons showed that females were more likely to prioritize social relationships.  Women tend to be more relational and social than men, and the ease with which women are able to maintain social connections may be a significant contributor to their life span.

Social relationships offer health benefits stronger than some medications or other treatment.

Research on support group interventions for breast cancer, chronic illness, or heart disease are shown to create a significant difference in treatment outcomes than those who simply use medication.  This indicates that having social support allows the body to function more effectively and bolsters the immune system.

What are ways to gain more social support?

Make an intentional effort to talk to people on a daily basis.

If you tend to isolate or find that you can make it for days at a time without having any meaningful social interaction, make a purposeful choice to change that pattern.  Choose the checkout line with a cashier at the grocery store.  Say hello to your neighbors the next time you see them.  Chat with your coworkers over lunch rather than eating at your desk.  This may be difficult, especially if you are introverted, struggle with social anxiety, or are simply out of practice.  Regardless, this intentional effort will make a difference over time.

Find a class or group that focuses on a special interest of yours.

What are the things you enjoy in your free time?  Maybe you’re athletic and love to play sports, or you like to read and talk about books.  Perhaps you love to knit or crochet, or you like fantasy football.  Search websites like meetup.com to find groups of people who share your interests.  Join a book club at your local bookstore or library, a club sports league, or a service organization and create relationships with the people you meet there.

Join a support group.

If you’re currently in therapy for sex and love addiction, support group involvement is a crucial step in healing.  Having the support of others through your stages of growth and freedom from addiction is a game-changer.  Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder usually stemming from childhood trauma, and healing trauma that comes from relationships requires positive, supportive relationships.  You can find support groups for sex and love addiction at Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).

If you’re in therapy for another addiction mental health issue, you’ve experienced grief or a significant loss, you’ve been diagnosed with a chronic or life-threatening illness, or you’re just looking for support, join a support group at local church, hospital, or community center that focuses on a topic relevant to you.  Connecting with others who are struggling helps you not to feel alone and provides an extra boost to your immune system. 

Get involved at a church through small groups or Sunday school classes.

If you are a Christian, it can be easy to become so busy with work, family obligations, and other responsibilities that getting involved in church events outside of Sunday services can feel like a burden.  But finding other individuals to support you on your journey of becoming more like Christ can be revolutionary not only in your faith, but also in your friendships.  Seek out a way to get involved with others in your church community through a small group, care group, or Sunday school class and begin to forge relationships based on a common ground of faith. 

The Importance of Learning Self-Love: A Review of Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

In 1992, Pia Mellody wrote her book that reached out to those who felt compulsively drawn into toxic or painful relationships: love addicts. In Facing Love Addiction*, Mellody defines love addiction as an unhealthy relationship which involves obsessive time, attention, and value given to another person.  It includes unrealistic expectations on the other person to provide unconditional love, and a corresponding lack of self-care.  Love addiction involves a distortion of intimacy that involves obsessive desire for closeness at the expense of healthy relationships.

Who is this book for? 

As the title suggests, this book is primarily a resource for self-defined love addicts or individuals with codependent tendencies who are wondering if they may be love addicted.  At the same time, she addresses the partners with whom love addicts tend to pair: love avoidants.

Love avoidants are the object of the codependent.  They are typically drawn to the intensity of the love addict because it is similar to relationships with parents or family in childhood.  When this intensity becomes overwhelming, the love addict creates intensity outside the relationship with addictions.

This book includes journaling pages and exercises in the final chapters which provide ways for both love addicts and love avoidants to examine their compulsive patterns and identify the origins of these maladaptive coping strategies in relationships.

What This Book Taught Me

Love addiction and codependency are related, but different.

Mellody describes codependency as a pattern of unhealthy relationships.  Codependents make another person their higher power, leading to power struggles, resentment, addictions, and/or difficulties with intimacy. Individuals who struggle with codependency have difficulty loving themselves, using adequate self-protection, understanding their identity, practicing self-care and moderating themselves. 

Codependency is certainly an element of love addiction, but not all people who are codependent are love addicts.  For the love addict, the markers of codependency that are most notable are low self-esteem and poor self-care habits. 

Love avoidants can have toxic relationships too.

Love avoidants are highly self-protective in relationships, often due to a family history of enmeshment.  The love avoidant may have had to care for an emotional parent or was taken advantage of by a family member.  In their adult lives, they often seek to maintain control over relationships and can do so by threatening to leave the love addict.

Love avoidants also struggle to meet their own needs.  They were typically expected to deny their own needs in service of one or both parents, and therefore missed the opportunity to learn how to recognize and care for their own emotions and needs.

The patterns of love addiction or love avoidance begin in the past.

Present-day relationships are not the cause of love addiction or love avoidance.  Problems in relationships are usually a symptom of a pattern begun in earlier life.  Examining past codependent relationships or experiences of abandonment can shed light how you developed one of these types of relating.

Once you become aware of the ways these experiences have shaped you, it is important to learn to reparent yourself.  This is a tool I often encourage with clients who have experienced trauma in their family-of-origin.  Reparenting yourself involves caring for yourself in the ways you may have missed in childhood.  This can involve creating appropriate boundaries for yourself to increase safety, or to increase our self-care behaviors as you become aware of the unhelpful expectation that your partner will meet all of your needs.

Healthy people seem less attractive without the work of recovery.

If you struggle with love addiction, you may be baffled as to why you continue engaging in relationship after relationship that are toxic and destructive.  You wonder why you can’t find a partner who doesn’t pull you into this addictive cycle.  In relationships, you tend to be attracted to what is familiar.   Even if it is unhealthy, you know what to expect. 

These relationships can serve as an attempt to resolve childhood wounds in the present day.  When you have lived through a traumatic experience in childhood, you may repeat that experience in an attempt to resolve the pain that you once felt, or to try to rewrite the story to create a new outcome.

Entering into recovery breaks these patterns through building healthy relationships that involve self-care, individuation, and effective and healthy boundaries.  This work needs to be done so that the intensity of the addictive relationships becomes less appealing.

You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to start working on the symptoms of codependency or love addiction.

While love addiction and codependency have the most drastic effects in romantic relationships, you can begin working on the skills you’ll need for healthy relationships even if you aren’t partnered up.  Begin by fostering healthy friendships with individuals you meet in your 12 step programs or elsewhere.  Learning to view others with realistic expectations and take care of yourself can significantly impact your awareness of these areas when entering a romantic relationship.  Learn from these relationships by examining your expectations about how others will relate to you.  Use that awareness as an opportunity shift to a more realistic or helpful expectation. 

Step Nine: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Nine is a logical follow-up to Step Eight, where you are asked to list individuals who you have harmed through your addiction and character flaws.  In order to carry out Step Nine, you need the foundation of all eight of the preceding steps.  Step Nine involves bringing others in to the process in a way that they haven’t been involved before, and thus can be particularly shame-inducing.  You will need your support individuals, God, your 12 Step group, and the recovery you’ve completed so far to help guide you through this process.

Step Nine involves acknowledging that your actions have consequences.  Apologies are not the only necessary step to reconciliation: you must also follow those up with actions.  The goal of this step is to foster empathy and restitution, rather than to check a box or move on.

Be mindful of your motives in completing Step Nine.  Often addicts simply want to get their painful feelings off their chest and don’t regard the emotions or responses of others.  If you’re motivated by a desire to vent, relieve your own guilt, or reconnect with someone who has intentionally removed themselves from your life, talk with your sponsor and reconsider.  If you’re rushing into amends, ask yourself if you’re acting out of selfishness or self-serving motives.

How to Work Step Nine

Separate your list of direct and indirect amends.

Identify those individuals with whom it is appropriate to make direct amends with the help of your sponsor.  You may feel a burning desire to make direct amends to someone, but acknowledge when it would actually cause more harm than good to do so.

Pray and ask God to help you experience willingness to move toward amends.

As you work this step, it will feel daunting to tackle making amends with all the individuals on your list.  Pray and ask God for help and support through this process and seek to focus on just one person at a time rather than trying to take on the whole list.

Practice self-care.

This step can be incredibly taxing on the shame-based identity that’s driven your addiction.  Combat the power of that shame by prioritizing self-care and support.  Create a self-care plan for before, during, and after completing amends, and have your sponsor or a support individual from your 12 Step group hold you accountable to that self-care. 

For Direct Amends

Intentionally select who you share amends with first.

Choose who you will break the ice with in making amends first by asking your sponsor who might be the best option for you.  It may be helpful to make amends with the person who you feel the most distress about sharing first, in order to get it out of the way.  Alternatively, it might be worthwhile to make amends with an individual with whom you feel more comfortable first in order to build up your confidence. 

Write a letter outlining the harm you’ve done.

Use the list of specifics you created in Step Eight to draft a letter outlining the harm that you’ve done.  Remember, the purpose of the amends is to take responsibility for your actions rather than to explain or to offer excuses, so focus on “I statements” and limit the details that may come across as defensive.  Limiting details also helps limit the potential for harm.   

Identify ways in your letter in which you can make direct amends in the form of financial restitution, commitments to family obligations or housework, or other forms of restitution.  Ask those with whom you are making amends what they think you could do to make things right.

Practice reading aloud the letter with your support people.

Read the letter several times through with your sponsor, accountability partner, trusted mentor, or therapy group.  This will allow you to become more comfortable with sharing, allow the flow of the letter to feel natural, and receive feedback from others.

Prepare for negative or unexpected responses.

While reading the letter to your support people, anticipate and discuss possible negative responses you might receive from the one you’ve harmed.  Keep in mind that the amends are not causing the pain in the harmed individual: the addiction has already caused the pain.  Remember that the responses of others are not your responsibility and they are able to choose whether they want to reconcile the relationship, but you can only offer your own part in making the amends.

Set up a face-to-face appointment with the harmed individual.

If you are still in contact with the harmed individual, connect with them to set up an appointment time to discuss your amends.  If you or they need to have support individuals involved in the amends process (ie. a sponsor, therapist, pastor, or friend), then make allowances as needed.  Talk with your sponsor about the best way to reach out to individuals with whom you are not in contact.

Indirect Amends

Brainstorm ways you can provide indirect amends.

Perhaps your list of those you’ve harmed includes someone who is deceased.  Or maybe you used pornography or objectified anonymous others sexually.  It could be that re-opening a connection with a former acting out partner would cause more harm than good. 

Talk with your sponsor or 12 Step group about ways to make amends indirectly.  For example, you may be able to offer an anonymous donation or volunteer your time to an organization that fights sex trafficking.  Former acting-out partners can receive a letter of amends rather than a face-to-face meeting.  Writing a letter to a deceased individual may still offer those indirect amends. 

Schedule in your plan to make those amends.

Once you’ve decided the best way to make indirect amends, commit it to your schedule.  For example, if you’ve decided you’ll complete 20 hours of volunteering, sit down and schedule 1 hour a week into your time.  Research organizations to find one that is the best fit for your donation and plan a date to make the donation. 

Use commitment to recovery as “living amends.”

As mentioned earlier, making amends isn’t just about apologizing.  It’s also about a change in action that indicates a commitment to recovery and change.  Even if you can’t make a direct amends, you can live out the change in your life that would offer reparation for the damage caused to those individuals.  You can continue staying sober, changing your behavior toward others, and improving your current relationships.

How Do Christians Deal With Sex and Love Addiction? A Christian Therapist's Perspective

Sex and love addiction is an issue that is stigmatized enough as it is.  But when you add in the complicated faith background of the typical Christian, sex and love addiction can take on an entirely different flavor.  It can carry greater levels of shame and guilt around acting out behaviors, lead to ostracism from the church, or leave those who are addicted with little place to go to find help.

While there have been changes in more recent years, sex is not regularly talked about in churches, unless it is to condemn sexual immorality.  Teenagers are taught about abstinence in a way that leaves them looking online or to their peers for information about sex.  Sexual integrity groups are popping up increasingly more frequently as the problem grows, but they are typically only offered for men.  Addicts are given the message to pray for removal of the addiction, and then are consistently disappointed by their own lack of faith when the behavior doesn’t just go away.

Where Does Addiction Come From? 

Shame-Based Identity

Most often, addiction stems from past experiences of trauma.  Whether it was a significant trauma like sexual or physical abuse, or a “little t” trauma of abandonment or neglect, these experiences have likely left the addict with a distorted sense of self.

This misunderstanding of identity can lead Christians down the path of addiction. The core beliefs identified in Carnes’ cycle of addiction as trigger points for the addictive cycle are shame-based beliefs about a core, fundamental flaw. When believers do not have a true understanding of their identity in Christ, these shame-based messages take control of their thoughts. 

The tool that best contradicts these shame-based beliefs is the word of God found in the Bible. For example, an addict whose core belief is “I am dirty” may act out of her addiction repeatedly, trying to cope with this distorted belief, but worsening her shame by her actions. However, the Bible promises that God has called believers holy and blameless, above reproach (Colossians 1:22).  A concrete understanding of this Scriptural truth can combat those negative core beliefs.

Faulty Theology Around Sexuality

When those shame-based belief systems become intertwined with shame surrounding sex, the addiction worsens.  Silence on sexual matters within the church has a detrimental effect on a healthy theology of sex.  The average Christian’s theology might involve believing God only designed sex for procreation, and enjoying sex itself is shameful or dirty. This drives curiosity about sexual intimacy into a secret, shameful realm, paving the way for addiction.

A healthy theology of sex based in Scripture includes the truth that human sexuality and sexual intimacy are good gifts given from God, intended for enjoyment and pleasure. Song of Songs is a Scriptural love song celebrating the blessings of marital intimacy.  Sexual intimacy within the context and commitment of marriage is character forming, and it is meant to reflect God’s commitment and covenant relationship to the church.

How does addiction develop?

While sexual addiction isn’t a phrase used in the Bible, there are many references to sexual immorality, indicating that sexual purity is an important aspect of relationship with God. The number of these references shows sexual sin is a common area to be swept up in. Yet sexual sin doesn’t always develop into a sexual addiction.  Sexual addiction usually develops as a habit of using sexual behaviors to cope with life’s difficulties develops into a pattern, then a dependence.  Noticing how the behaviors affect daily life can help to discern whether addiction is present. 

In Romans 7, Paul describes the hopelessness and pain of feeling stuck in sin patterns, which sounds relatable to addicts today. He speaks of how the knowledge of the law leads to an awareness of fleshly desires (v. 13-14). However, knowledge of the law and the flesh does not prevent Paul from acting in sin, as he states, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (v. 15). He has the desire to do right but is unable to carry it out (v. 18), instead carrying on doing the very thing he does not want to do (v. 19). This is the dilemma faced by many addicts and by all sinners. Paul’s solution is to recognize his own wretchedness, calling on the name and grace of the Lord (v. 24-25).

Idolatry

My personal perspective on a Christian view of addiction involves an understanding of the concept of idolatry.  In the Old Testament, the Israelites turned to worshipping idols instead of the Lord (Exodus 32). Though most Christians today do not bow down to golden calves like the Israelites did, idolatry appears in more subtle ways. 

Tim Keller, in his book Counterfeit Gods*, indicates that idols are those things that become more important than God to believers. They captivate people’s hearts and seem to say that they can give what only God can give. Psalm 115:4-8 describes these idols in terms of their inability to act, stating in verse 8 that “those who make them become like them.” As addicts place relationships and sex as more important than God, they begin to find their identity wrapped up in their addiction rather than the truth of their identity in Christ. 

The Good News

Fortunately for Christians, no addiction or problematic sin pattern exists beyond God’s power to save. First, there is a distinct difference between temptation and sin, as even Christ experienced temptation, yet did not sin (Hebrews 4:15). While temptation may become sin when acted upon, it can also serve as an opportunity for believers to seek to know God better and build spiritual strength. 

Jesus demonstrates compassion toward women caught in sexual immorality, rather than condemnation or rejection (Luke 7:36-48; John 4:7-26, 8:1-11). In Isaiah, God speaks of His power to set the captives free and break the chains of those who are in bondage, comforting those who mourn (Isaiah 61:1-3). This was a crucial part of Jesus’ ministry, as He proclaimed these truths about Himself as his mission to the world (Luke 4:18-19).  Addicts can find comfort in Jesus’ promise to help those who are in captivity to sin.

In 2 Peter, Peter emphasizes the promise that God has granted all we need for life and godliness (1:3-4), and Paul states in Philippians that we are able to do all things through Christ who strengthens us (4:13). Paul also mentions the fact that God, who began a good work in us, will carry that work on until completion (Philippians 1:6). 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 emphasizes that God is the One who sanctifies the believer, and as He is faithful to His promises, He will surely carry them out. Ultimately, the addict may be comforted by the knowledge that God has promised to do a work in them, and they can trust that He will be faithful and that He is able to complete this work.

When the Decision is Too Much: What Hard Choices Reveal About Who We Are

What are some of the most difficult choices you’ve had to make?  Maybe you’ve agonized over choosing a career.  Or you’ve debated who you might consider marrying.  These decisions offer options that are equally good, but for different reasons.

It could be that your hard choice isn’t between two good options at all.  Maybe you’ve discovered your husband is a sex addict or your wife has had an affair, and you’re uncertain of what to do next.  Do you stay, or do you go?

Ruth Chang, a philosopher who studies decision-making and hard choices, tells us that when we’re faced with a difficult decision, our choice reflects our values.

When I watched this TED talk, I couldn’t help but think of partners of sex addicts who are faced with the trauma of discovery and then taxed with what might be the hardest decision of their lives: should I stay or should I go?

Many partners balk at the idea of leaving their spouse due to financial concerns, children, religious beliefs, or the length of time they’ve been married.  Others are convinced that they have to leave and make the choice without a second thought.  But for those who are stuck in the middle of a relationships that feels intolerable with difficulty deciding whether to stay or leave, I believe Ruth’s talk gives some insights into how to lean into that hard decision.

There is no “right” answer.

Chang talks about our tendency to see value-based choices as similar to numerical equations.  She asserts that we expect our choices to have three possible options: better, worse, or equal.  But truly, options can have their positives and negatives, and comparing them can feel like comparing apples and oranges.

This is further complicated by the reality that there is not one right answer or one best choice.  We cannot see all the outcomes or know what will come as a result of our choices: we can only choose based on the information we have and our values.

Hard choices are not hard because we’re stupid.

Often partners of sex and love addicts feel intense shame in the aftermath of discovery as they wonder why they missed all the warning signs of addiction.  They might feel foolish, duped, blindsided, or like the wool has been pulled over their eyes.  They may have been deceived for so long that they’re used to feeling like they’re crazy or not being certain of reality, which causes them to doubt their decision-making capacity about the relationship.

Know if you are struggling to make a decision about the future of your relationship that it does not mean that you are stupid or that you’re missing the best option.  Instead, this is a hard decision that has equal positive and negative aspects, and there is no obvious best option to choose.

Hard choices reflect our values.

Chang discusses how hard choices can be both large and small.  Her example of choosing between a doughnut and high fiber cereal for breakfast indicates how our choices are shaped by our values.  If you value living a healthy lifestyle, the bowl of high fiber cereal might be what you choose.  If you value flavor and enjoyment, you may select the doughnut.

When we look at hard choices, what typically draws us toward one alternative or another are the aspects of that choice we value.  In couples work, I often encourage couples to grow intimacy through their arguments by discussing their perspective in the context of their dreams or values.  When you understand your own values, you can often begin to see how the importance of those values influences your daily decisions.

Our identity is formed through hard choices.

Once you understand the values that lie behind your hard choices, you can begin to make choices based on those values.  Making the choice itself can feel like the tricky part, because it often involves taking action and fighting for your dreams.  If you don’t know your why, it’s easy to become a “drifter,” like Chang mentions, and allow others to make your decisions for you.

Knowing yourself and what matters to you and taking action to fight for that desire can often lead to the most empowered choice possible.  Whether you decide to stay in your relationship or not, there is no right or wrong answer.  The answer completely depends on your agency to choose based on your own values.

You get to choose your own reasons for staying or leaving.  You get to become the author of your own life.

What is EMDR? A Guide to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing As a Powerful Treatment for Trauma

Do you find yourself getting stuck repeatedly in negative thoughts or images triggered by traumatic memories?  Do you have a history of abuse from your childhood that still rears its ugly head?  Perhaps you’ve lived through a traumatic incident and you can’t seem to keep flashbacks from popping into your mind at the least convenient moments.  Or you’re just feeling a vague sense of anxiety or depression that you just can’t shake.

One of the newest and foremost treatments for trauma is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR.  The American Psychological Association named it as one of the primary treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  It’s also been recognized by the World Health Organization and the Department of Defense in treatment of trauma. EMDR has effects on additional mental health issues such as anxiety, phobia, and depression.

What is EMDR?

EMDR involves connecting past traumatic events to a series of structured eye movements in a therapy session with a mental health therapist.  This pairing helps your brain reprocess traumatic memories and experiences.  Some memories associated with past trauma can get stuck or stay unprocessed because of high levels of emotion or distress at the time of the memory.  EMDR allows you to reprocess these memories in a way that allows relief.

As a result of EMDR, you may experience breakthroughs in thoughts or emotions that have felt stuck for a long time.  Studies have shown that those who experience post-traumatic stress disorder can experience significant change in as few as 3-6 sessions of EMDR.  Traumatic memories will become less distressing and disturbing as they are processed using this method.  You’ll feel a greater sense of empowerment as a result of the EMDR work you do.

Why does it work?

Our brains are funny things.  As much research as there is supporting the effectiveness of EMDR, there is no single mechanism in the brain that explains why it works.  It has been theorized that the eye movements, or bilateral stimulation, is similar to what happens in rapid-eye-movement (REM) sleep.  REM sleep has been shown to help process memories and experiences, which is why you often have dreams that reflect the events or experiences you had throughout your day.

Another theory is that, in typical psychotherapy, you use your verbal left-brain to discuss emotions and memories.  However, traumatic memories are stored in the nonverbal right-brain.  By stimulating both sides of your brain simultaneously through the eye movements, you’re connecting the parts of your brain where the memories are stored with the logical, rational side of your brain.

Some believe that simply the process of exposure to the traumatic memory in a therapeutic setting allows you to become desensitized to the memory.

Regardless, Francine Shapiro, the creator of this method of therapy, theorizes that EMDR helps access traumatic memory networks so that these memories can be processed and digested more easily.  That “digestion” leads to new connections and learning, reduced distress, and greater insight.

What should I expect when I do EMDR in sessions with my therapist?

First, your therapist will get to know your story and help you identify the issues you want to work on, just as is the case in any therapeutic relationship.  Once these issues are identified, you will connect them to past memories, present triggers, and future potential experiences where you’d like to respond differently.  You’ll become aware of physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions tied to those past memories.

After learning some stabilizing and self-soothing exercises, you’ll begin reprocessing those memories.  You’ll identify faulty belief systems associated with your memories that contribute to your current concern.  You’ll participate in sets of eye movements, allowing your thoughts, emotions, or sensations to come to mind as your brain processes the memory.  You’ll share brief explanations of what you are experiencing during each set.

You may use eye movements with your therapist’s hand or a light bar, but you also may prefer using auditory or tactile movements.  Your therapist may suggest tapping his or her hands on your knees or giving you handheld “pulsers” that alternate pressure, or you may be given headphones to hear a series of tones that alternate between your right and left ear.

After the session is over, your brain will likely continue to do some reprocessing, and you’ll be asked to keep a record of that reprocessing in order to facilitate further discussion of it in the next session.

Eventually, the memory will begin to cause less distress as you reinforce positive, adaptive beliefs about these experiences.  The traumatic images and corresponding emotions and sensations may change or even disappear over time.

If you’re interested in learning more about EMDR, The EMDR Institute and EMDRIA offer resources that introduce you to the research behind EMDR, and they can help you find an EMDR-Trained or EMDR-Certified clinician in your area.  You can also read such books as Getting Past Your Past* by Francine Shapiro or Tapping In* by Laurel Parnell to get a sense of how EMDR can work for you.

Empowering Yourself Through Boundaries: A Review of Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

If you’ve recently become aware of your spouse’s sex and love addiction, you’re likely reeling from the new information and the trauma caused by the discovery.  You feel completely blindsided, powerless, and victimized.  You likely didn’t ask to be married to an addict or expect that your spouse would be involved in sexual betrayal.  Deception and denial on the addict’s part have led you not to trust your intuition and potentially believe the betrayal is your fault.  You might feel swept up in a whirlwind of emotions and trauma reactions, not knowing how to calm yourself down or stop the mood swings.

How can you regain a sense of control when it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you?

In Moving Beyond Betrayal*, Vicki Tidwell Palmer gives you the solution.

In this book, Vicki outlines an understanding of boundaries for partners of sex addicts that puts you back in the driver’s seat.  You’ll come to understand the importance of self-care in setting boundaries, and you’ll learn her simple 5-step plan for getting your needs met through understanding your power center and making requests.

What I Liked About This Book

Boundaries as self-care

In the book, Vicki explains that boundaries come from an understanding of self-care and clarity about your own needs and the level of power you have over getting those needs met.  The purpose of boundaries is to provide protection for yourself and others, as well as defining yourself and your personal space.  They are not intended as a punishment or a means to control the behavior of your spouse.

“A healthy boundary expresses what one will and will not accept in a relationship, and clearly states how the person setting the boundary will practice self-care if the boundary is violated.”

— Vicki Tidwell Palmer

I like this focus on self-care because often boundaries are misconstrued attempts to control the addict or influence his or her personal recovery.  Instead, framing boundaries as a way to practice self-care makes it about you and your needs, rather than about others.

Understanding and communicating your needs

If boundaries are based in self-care, you first need to know your needs.  Vicki includes a step in her 5-Step boundary solution involving recognizing your own needs and adopting methods of meeting those needs in a way that creates safety and strength.  Relationship with God can be highly involved in this process, as you look to Him or to the church body as a source of support in meeting your needs.

Once you become aware of your needs, the next step is to communicate them.  Rather than believing the myth that others should be able to read our minds or give us our needs without our saying anything, Vicki teaches how to communicate needs using a simple talking formula.

Authentic personal power

The pervasive feeling of powerlessness in the early days after discovery of addiction can be debilitating.  But this is not entirely true: even though you cannot control your spouse and their behaviors, you do have power over yourself and your own responses.  You are able to fight for your own self-care by following through on your boundaries and taking action rather than fluctuating between passivity and demands.  In my opinion, the definition of and emphasis on authentic personal power in the book has the potential to be life-changing.

“Effective and healthy boundary work means you’re willing to take action to get your needs met, even when the addict says no to your request.”

— Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Responding when your boundaries “don’t work”

The feelings of helplessness can creep back in when you attempt to set a boundary and it doesn’t go as planned.  But Vicki gives several options for revisiting your boundaries and taking back power over getting your needs met.  Perhaps your spouse says “no” to your request: you have options to negotiate a different boundary. Or you might accept your spouse’s “no” and use that as data to assess their willingness to work on the relationship.  You can look at the priority level of the boundaries and re-communicate them as needed.  You might even realize that admitting powerlessness increases your power because it prevents you from getting caught in the vicious cycle of trying to change the unchangeable.

“As paradoxical as it may seem, doing nothing is sometimes the most empowered choice you can make.”

— Vicki Tidwell Palmer

A positive view of boundaries

Vicki encourages you to look at boundaries as a way for you to practice self-care and give your spouse the opportunity to rebuild trust.  You are empowered to make choices through your boundaries rather than being stuck.  You can move from being the victim to being victorious!  And not only can you use boundaries with your spouse, you’ll likely find yourself effectively implementing them with family members, coworkers, or others you interact with on a regular basis.

I’d highly recommend purchasing Moving Beyond Betrayal* if my review sparks your interest.  You can also introduce yourself to Vicki’s work through her website.  In particular, she gives an overview of her 5-Step boundary solution here.

Step Eight: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

The “making amends” steps are a pivotal point for many individuals in their 12 Step recovery journey.  This is the point at which your relationships with others outside of the 12 Step group are invited into the process.  Those around you are given the gift of apologies and offers for reconciliation, while you are presented with the gift of humility, honesty, and the potential for restored relationship.

You might say to yourself, “This is too hard.  I really wish I didn’t have to do this.”  Once you’ve come clean with your sponsor and yourself about the ways in which you’ve caused harm, you might think that you’re finished with the process.  But it becomes crucial to connect with others you have harmed to offer amends.  As a recovering addict, you must be prepared to go to any lengths to be released from your addiction.  Ask God in these moments of self-doubt for strength to handle any consequences that may come your way as a result of making amends.

Direct amends involve having a conversation with an individual whom you have harmed.  However, in some cases, to directly make amends to someone is not the best option: either it would cause more harm to them, they may be deceased, or you may not be able to contact them.  In this case, it may be helpful to think of ways you can make indirect amends, such as volunteering or giving financially to organizations that support individuals similar to those you have harmed.

Why is this step so important?

Making amends takes you out of the victim role, which is an easy default in distorted thinking of the addiction.  It propels you into taking responsibility for the harm you’ve done to others.  It doesn’t allow you to hide behind the mask of saying it was anyone else’s fault but your own.  By doing whatever is necessary to right the wrongs you’ve done, you become free from the guilt you have carried for years in your addictive behaviors.

How to Work Step Eight

Focus just on Step Eight and not Step Nine.

It can be paralyzing to think of taking the action of making amends at first, but allow yourself to use Step Eight to simply explore the idea of making amends.  In this process, you’ll experience empathy for those you have wronged, which then leads more naturally to making amends.  If you struggle to separate Step Eight from the upcoming Step Nine where you will be carrying out these amends, ask God to give you the willingness and strength to try.  Have grace with yourself and know that you can always return to this step throughout your 12 Step journey.

Write a list of those you have harmed.

Using your Step Four inventory, identify those individuals who have been directly or indirectly affected by both your acting out behaviors and your character flaws.  Make this list as complete as possible, going back all the way to childhood.  This might include family members, spouses, children, friends, acting out partners, or even individuals you don’t know personally.

Pay special attention to individuals who you may not have actively or intentionally harmed, but who have been hurt by your abandonment, withdrawal, or rejection.  Include even those who you feel have done more harm to you than you have done to them.  It isn’t the time to seek vengeance for wrongs against you: it is time to take responsibility for yourself.

You may even include yourself as an individual you have harmed on your list.  This offers the opportunity for self-compassion, and it helps you pay attention to ways you have damaged yourself and your sense of self-worth through your behaviors.

Identify those to whom making direct amends may cause more harm than benefit.

One common individual that the distorted thinking of the addict tends to gravitate toward when first considering making amends is to former affair partners.  Yes, they have been harmed by your actions, but it is clear that involving them in the amends process could re-start a relationship and ultimately create more destruction in its wake.  On the list of those you have harmed, mark those who you think might experience greater harm if you attempted to make amends with them.  Talk with your sponsor about whether direct or indirect amends would be recommended in those cases.

Get feedback from your sponsor.

Talk with your sponsor, therapist, or other trusted individuals who know your story.  Be open to hearing who they might suggest including on your list.  Often others in the 12 Step program have their own experiences of amends from which to draw upon.  They will also point out blind spots you are avoiding because they feel too uncomfortable or vulnerable to admit.  Similarly, they may also suggest you take certain names off your list if you are feeling guilt over something for which you are not responsible.

Write specifics about the harm done.

For each individual on your list, write down specifics about the harm you have done to them and its results.  Include what you think or feel about that harm now.  As you flesh out these details, you’ll gain a greater sense of perspective and empathy, as well as create a resource for the process of making amends in Step Nine.  The more detail you include, the more you will demonstrate engagement in the process.  This helps the person who was harmed feel known and understood.

Examine what you hope to accomplish by making amends.

Examining your motives is important.  If you are only making amends to check a box off the 12 Step process or impress others, then you need to re-evaluate your motivations with the help of your sponsor.  For example, you might be making amends as a way to manipulate the other person into apologizing for their own harmful behavior.  However, you must realize that the only person you can control is yourself.  It’s also important to acknowledge your desired outcome so you can come to terms with the fact that you may not receive it.  Understand that even with the worst outcome possible, you have done your part in making amends, and that is what counts more than their response.  As Paul says in Romans, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, NIV; emphasis mine)

Make a list of possible action steps you can take.

Whether you are making direct or indirect amends, a powerful part of the process involves taking action to embody the new commitment you’ve made to a healthier life.  Addicts are often full of empty promises that don’t come to fruition.  Unless you follow through on your words of apology with corresponding action to solidify the truth of the change, you will not be able to move toward reconciled relationship.  Think of ways you may make financial amends or relational amends.  Consider if there are any legal consequences you have been avoiding from your actions.

Surrendering Survival Mode: Letting Go of Coping From the Past to Thrive in the Present

A few summers ago, my family held a garage sale, which is often quite the production.  Between my parents, my sisters and I, we have 4 separate households from which to sort through overstuffed closets and forgotten storage cabinets, hoping to find hidden treasures to add to the sale pile.  I’m often surprised by just how much stuff we’re able to produce from those parts of our home we barely think about.

One of my contributions to the sale was a Keurig coffeemaker. I loved it when I first received it.  But over the years, it had gone through some wear and tear.  Coffee brewed from it didn’t taste as good, I could only use filtered water in the tank, and I had to reset the clock settings often due to a frequently tripped fuse in my home.  I also noticed I had started drinking coffee less often, replacing it with a newfound love for tea.

Once, that Keurig was my lifeline.  Working long days and early mornings created a serious need for coffee. But as I entered into a new career, I used it less and less until it just became another piece of stuff to sell in a garage sale. That coffeemaker sat on my counter for over a year with me barely using it before I realized it was time to give it up. 

I got to thinking about how we cling not just to material items, but also to relational patterns, distorted thoughts about ourselves and our world, and defense mechanisms we learned in childhood that help us cope.  Oftentimes, we start these behaviors or thought patterns because they work – they ease our pain or anxiety.  They serve us in some way or another, meeting a need or a desire that we have difficulty fulfilling in a healthy way.

Before we know it, these habits become ingrained in our minds or in our daily practice and can develop into codependent relationships, depression, anxiety, addictions, or any number of difficulties in our lives.  We can often look at these patterns and know they cause problems, but they can feel familiar and safe after being used for years.

In a different season of life, we needed these thoughts or behaviors to cope.

Think of a child who is physically abused by her parents when she speaks up to protect her brother from similar harm.  We might expect that child to learn to stay silent and spend time alone in her room, avoiding interaction with her family.  As she gets older, she may make herself feel better by turning to food, sex, perfectionism, or alcohol.  These behaviors might have provided temporary relief for her then, but if they continued to be her only source of coping into adulthood, they could easily become addictive or problematic behaviors.

Maybe you’ve experienced a similar story. As a child, you may have learned to do what you needed to do to find ways to deal with the pain.

But these thoughts and behaviors might be holding you back and creating problems in your present-day life.

As adults, we have the opportunity to choose a different path, letting go of the old behaviors and stepping into newer ways to cope.  Often, though, that process isn’t something that can happen overnight.

When I sold that hardly-used coffeemaker, it felt like I was cutting off an arm.  I could think of about 100 reasons why I needed to keep it, and I almost felt physical pain at letting it go.  But I needed to clear it out, to have more physical space and declutter my home.

If this is how I felt about a piece of junk I barely used anymore, how much more difficult is it to let go of the unhealthy ways we’ve dealt with pain in the past?

Sometimes, giving these up feels impossible.

Many times, these behaviors and thoughts are based on past experiences that are no longer threatening us now.  It is important to learn how to let go of those things that are causing more frustration, pain, or harm than they’re worth.

But we can’t let go of these life patterns without filling that space with something different.  We need to learn to adopt new behaviors and thoughts that fit in our current season of life.  We need to get rid of the things that take up that mental and emotional space in order to make room for healthy self-care, more accurate views of ourselves and our world, and restored relationships.

What thoughts and behaviors are you clinging onto that helped you at a different season of life, but need to be let go of now?  

Now I don’t think about my Keurig much.  I drink coffee less often, avoiding the caffeine because I know how it affects my anxiety.  I still find comfort in wrapping my two hands around a warm mug, but more often than not it’s filled with tea.  While this material example is minor compared to changing old coping patterns, it’s reminding me to let go, to create space in my mind and heart for the things that I need in the phase of life I’m in right now.

This article was originally posted under the title "The Curious Difficulty of Letting Go" on January 26, 2017.

Why We Need to Talk About Sex Addiction

How familiar are you with sex addiction?  You might have heard the term thrown around as a joke on TV.  Maybe you associate it with sex offenders and criminal behaviors.  Or perhaps you think it’s a derogatory term for someone who has high libido.

Or you could have more intimate experience with sex addiction.  You may have found yourself addicted to pornography or sexual encounters and found it nearly impossible to stop.  Or you’ve discovered your spouse’s sexual behaviors and been devastated by the knowledge.  Maybe your child or your close friend has been wrestling with the demons of online porn, and you feel helpless as you watch them sink into a deep well of depression and hopelessness.

According to Paula Hall, a psychotherapist who has worked with sex addiction for over 20 years, sex addiction is a disease that feeds off of secrecy and shame, such that those who struggle with it and their loved ones feel as though they can’t talk about their experiences.  She urges us to start having conversations about sex addiction in her TEDx talk.

As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I could not agree more with Paula’s honest and insightful look into the reality of sex addiction, its effects on individuals, and the powerful hold that silence and secrecy have over those who struggle.  Why is it so important for us to be talking about sex addiction?

The statistics are scary and undeniable.

1 in 20 people struggle with sex addiction.  Sex addicts’ brains are affected in the same way as substance abusers.  260,000 people belong to online support groups to quit porn use.  30% of all sex addicts are women.  These are all statistics that Paula quotes in her talk, emphasizing the seriousness of the growing problem of pornography and sex addiction.  This talk was also given over 2 years ago, meaning that the research has likely demonstrated an increase in compulsive sexual behaviors due to the rapid development of technology.

When we look at these numbers, we can't deny the reality of the problem compulsive sexual behavior is having on individual lives.

Breaking the silence around sex addiction undermines the shame that feeds the disorder.

Sex addiction is a shame-based disorder that is fueled by loneliness, isolation, and lack of healthy intimacy.  Sex addicts are typically wrapped up in negative views of themselves and their behaviors, and they wouldn’t dare ask for help for fear of being judged by those they ask.  Women in particular struggle with unique lies about their sex addiction. 

When we talk about sex addiction and invite others to be open about their own struggles or the struggles of their loved ones, we offer compassion and love that destroy the fuel of the fire of addiction.

“Sex addiction thrives in secrecy and shame.  Until we as a society can start talking about it openly and nonjudgmentally, the problem is going to continue to grow.”

It allows us to have compassion on the individual rather than contempt for the label.

When we label or stereotype individuals, placing them all into a categorized box, it is easy to villainize them and mark them as “different” than us.  We see “sex addicts” as disgusting, gross, or any of the other labels listed above.  But when we realize that ordinary people are the ones who are facing sex addiction, we see that they are not all that different from ourselves.

“If you’re not someone who’s struggling, you likely know someone who is.”

When you open your eyes to see the individual addict with compassion, you can begin to listen to their story and hear the pain of what they’re going through.  You’re able to have empathy and compassion.  You can connect with the truth that we all face pain and the sex addict has simply dealt with their pain in a more destructive way.

You affirm that they are not alone.

Whether you’re an addict, spouse, or loved one, you know the pain of secrecy.  Paula reiterates several times in her talk the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation that come with any one of these roles.  As the addict, you may fear being labeled or ostracized.  As the partner of the addict, you may be seeking to protect your spouse or you could be weighed down with your own shame around how the addict could behave in this way.  You may blame yourself if you are the parent of an addict for not paying enough attention or stopping their behavior before it was too late.

Listening and offering compassion to everyone affected by sex addiction helps to break the pattern of loneliness and the crushing weight of shame.  When we are able to talk openly in a way that affirms that these individuals are not alone, the weight of secrecy can be lifted from their shoulders.

We can begin to change the future.

As technology continues to shift and change and silence still prevails, sex addiction will not disappear anytime soon.  Educating youth about sex addiction can prevent the spread of another generation who does not know the risks of online porn use and gets hooked without knowing the impact.   Understanding the neurochemistry of sex addiction and how to heal from its effects is crucial in addiction recovery.   We can begin to change the landscape of treatment for this particular issue simply by talking about more frequently.

If you or someone you love is struggling with sex addiction, reach out for help.  Contact a therapist or a trusted friend and share your story with them.