How familiar are you with sex addiction? You might have heard the term thrown around as a joke on TV. Maybe you associate it with sex offenders and criminal behaviors. Or perhaps you think it’s a derogatory term for someone who has high libido.
Or you could have more intimate experience with sex addiction. You may have found yourself addicted to pornography or sexual encounters and found it nearly impossible to stop. Or you’ve discovered your spouse’s sexual behaviors and been devastated by the knowledge. Maybe your child or your close friend has been wrestling with the demons of online porn, and you feel helpless as you watch them sink into a deep well of depression and hopelessness.
According to Paula Hall, a psychotherapist who has worked with sex addiction for over 20 years, sex addiction is a disease that feeds off of secrecy and shame, such that those who struggle with it and their loved ones feel as though they can’t talk about their experiences. She urges us to start having conversations about sex addiction in her TEDx talk.
As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I could not agree more with Paula’s honest and insightful look into the reality of sex addiction, its effects on individuals, and the powerful hold that silence and secrecy have over those who struggle. Why is it so important for us to be talking about sex addiction?
The statistics are scary and undeniable.
1 in 20 people struggle with sex addiction. Sex addicts’ brains are affected in the same way as substance abusers. 260,000 people belong to online support groups to quit porn use. 30% of all sex addicts are women. These are all statistics that Paula quotes in her talk, emphasizing the seriousness of the growing problem of pornography and sex addiction. This talk was also given over 2 years ago, meaning that the research has likely demonstrated an increase in compulsive sexual behaviors due to the rapid development of technology.
When we look at these numbers, we can't deny the reality of the problem compulsive sexual behavior is having on individual lives.
Breaking the silence around sex addiction undermines the shame that feeds the disorder.
Sex addiction is a shame-based disorder that is fueled by loneliness, isolation, and lack of healthy intimacy. Sex addicts are typically wrapped up in negative views of themselves and their behaviors, and they wouldn’t dare ask for help for fear of being judged by those they ask. Women in particular struggle with unique lies about their sex addiction.
When we talk about sex addiction and invite others to be open about their own struggles or the struggles of their loved ones, we offer compassion and love that destroy the fuel of the fire of addiction.
“Sex addiction thrives in secrecy and shame. Until we as a society can start talking about it openly and nonjudgmentally, the problem is going to continue to grow.”
It allows us to have compassion on the individual rather than contempt for the label.
When we label or stereotype individuals, placing them all into a categorized box, it is easy to villainize them and mark them as “different” than us. We see “sex addicts” as disgusting, gross, or any of the other labels listed above. But when we realize that ordinary people are the ones who are facing sex addiction, we see that they are not all that different from ourselves.
“If you’re not someone who’s struggling, you likely know someone who is.”
When you open your eyes to see the individual addict with compassion, you can begin to listen to their story and hear the pain of what they’re going through. You’re able to have empathy and compassion. You can connect with the truth that we all face pain and the sex addict has simply dealt with their pain in a more destructive way.
You affirm that they are not alone.
Whether you’re an addict, spouse, or loved one, you know the pain of secrecy. Paula reiterates several times in her talk the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation that come with any one of these roles. As the addict, you may fear being labeled or ostracized. As the partner of the addict, you may be seeking to protect your spouse or you could be weighed down with your own shame around how the addict could behave in this way. You may blame yourself if you are the parent of an addict for not paying enough attention or stopping their behavior before it was too late.
Listening and offering compassion to everyone affected by sex addiction helps to break the pattern of loneliness and the crushing weight of shame. When we are able to talk openly in a way that affirms that these individuals are not alone, the weight of secrecy can be lifted from their shoulders.
We can begin to change the future.
As technology continues to shift and change and silence still prevails, sex addiction will not disappear anytime soon. Educating youth about sex addiction can prevent the spread of another generation who does not know the risks of online porn use and gets hooked without knowing the impact. Understanding the neurochemistry of sex addiction and how to heal from its effects is crucial in addiction recovery. We can begin to change the landscape of treatment for this particular issue simply by talking about more frequently.
If you or someone you love is struggling with sex addiction, reach out for help. Contact a therapist or a trusted friend and share your story with them.