Journey Through the Twelve Steps: Step Twelve

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Twelve:  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

Through the work you’ve done in recovering from addiction, it has become clear that addiction is an intimacy disorder.  When you are cut off relationally from others, inauthentic with yourself and the people around you, and living a double life, you are unable to be intimate with anyone.  In sex and love addiction, disordered intimacy is obvious as you seek addictive behaviors that provide relief from loneliness.  Building relationships with others working the 12 Step program and seeking to help them helps create a network of positive, healthy relationships to carry you through your recovery. 

As you meet individuals in the beginning of their recovery, you’ll be reminded of your desperation in the early days.  By helping them, you’re “paying it forward” from how you’ve been helped.  Passing along this work to others is inspiring and encouraging.  As an addict who has completed the steps, you are uniquely positioned to help others.  You’ve experienced what they’ve been through, and you can communicate that they are not alone.

You’ll also be ready to take the insights you’ve gained from your recovery journey and apply them to all areas of your life, including career and family.  Bringing authenticity and openness to all areas of your life allows you integrate your life in a way that is vastly different from your previous double life. 

How to Work Step Twelve

Reflect on how you’ve changed since Step One.

How have you become humble as a result of your 12 Step work?  Have you learned to admit your faults and failings?  What insights have you had about your character weaknesses, and how have they changed the way you live?  In what ways have you become more forgiving and less resentful, or more apologetic and quick to ask for forgiveness?  How have your relationships changed as a result of the 12 Step work you’ve been doing?

Reflect on some of the work you completed in early steps, looking through old journals or remembering stories you’ve told at meetings.  Look for evidence of change in your character.  Be grateful for how different you are today than when you started. 

Volunteer at a meeting.

You’ve likely seen other group members take roles to help out, whether that involves bringing coffee or snacks, setting up or tearing down chairs, or even leading a meeting.  12 Step groups are intentionally designed without a leader, which means there are many tasks that require volunteers.  Ask the trusted servant at your meeting how you might be able to volunteer to help in the upcoming months.  Often committing to be a regular attendee of the meetings helps to serve the community by creating consistency for newcomers.

Tell your story.

What do you remember from your first Twelve Step meeting?  My guess is it has something to do with the stories of others.  If you haven’t already shared your first step with your 12 Step group, consider doing so as a service to other group members.  This will allow others to relate to your story.  You can also share your story in a one-on-one setting with a new member of the group or sponsee.

Write a list of gifts you have to offer.

Through your recovery process, you may have become aware of talents or abilities that were masked by your addictive behaviors.  Your sponsor or other trusted individuals may also be aware of positive traits you have to offer.  Ask your sponsor or support people to tell you some gifts they think you bring to the recovery community.  Write these affirmations down and review them often.  Seek to fill roles within the community that allow these gifts to be used for the good of others.

Sponsor a new member of your group.

At this point, you have the opportunity to turn around and share the insights you’ve learned with a new sponsee.  Your insights can help someone else who is struggling with the same questions or doubts in their own journey.  But not only will you be helping them: you’ll find that your relationship with your sponsee will often help your own recovery as well. 

A few cautions before you start: consider the cost of sponsoring another addict prior to taking on this role.  Talk to your sponsor and ask if they’ll serve as a mentor for you with your first few sponsees.  It is recommended that you have at least one full year of sobriety under your belt before you sponsor someone, as sponsoring challenges your sobriety in new and unexpected ways.  When choosing a sponsee, limit yourself to one person at first, and make sure to choose someone who doesn’t remind you of former acting out partners or trigger addictive thoughts in you.

Attend a retreat or conference.

Changing up the structure of the standard group meeting and receiving inspiration and motivation from time away can help you re-focus on your recovery and learn new tools to help yourself or your sponsees.  You may also find yourself motivated to speak or offer your story at a conference.  Look for listings of yearly events (like those for SAA or SLAA) and invite a friend from your recovery program to attend with you.

Be conscious of when recovery begins to feel “boring.”

Boredom in your recovery can be a trigger to fall back into the temporary thrill of acting out.  When you notice feeling bored or apathetic in your recovery work, explore what’s leading to the boredom.  Identify dissatisfaction in your life or avoidance of a thorny issue that’s uncomfortable to think about.  Talk with your sponsor about next steps you might take to address these areas.

Another great way to combat boredom is walking through the steps again, perhaps trying out a new sponsor who may have some additional insight.  If you’re struggling with more than one addiction, it is helpful to go through the Twelve Steps with the other addiction and see what new insights you can gain.

Carry your new authenticity into all areas of your life, including sexuality.

Is there a major life change that you’ve been putting off, like in your career?  Is it difficult to apply your insights from recovery into more mundane, daily tasks?  Consider how you might use what you’ve learned in recovery to influence the areas of your life that seem unrelated.  You’ll be surprised to find how applicable these skills are in new contexts.

During this time, you might consider what non-addictive sexuality looks like.  Resources like a couples counselor or an individual counselor trained in treating addiction can help you in this process.  In particular for sex and love addicts, re-integrating healthy sexuality involves a slower journey, learning to embody your masculinity or femininity without necessarily expressing it through sex.  Resources like A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy* or Erotic Intelligence* can be helpful tools to explore this area. 

The End of the Road?

At this point in your Twelve Step journey, you’ve walked through incredibly difficult steps that have proven to be ultimately rewarding.  But moving through the Twelve Steps is meant to be an ongoing process.  You have not “arrived” when you reach Step Twelve.  Instead, you are called to start back at Step One and examine new areas of your life and well-being that you may not have been aware of when you first began your journey.  Continually working through these steps can lead to significant life change.  You will gain new perspective as you explore your story in new ways.

Pause for a moment now and recognize moments of happiness and joy you have in your life as a result of recovery.  As you acknowledge and express gratitude for these gains, you’ll be motivated to continue.  Make a list of all the accomplishments you’ve made while working through the Twelve Steps, and plan a celebration with your sponsor or trusted individuals to celebrate all the hard work you’ve done to get here!

Step Eleven: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Eleven: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 

Step Eleven builds on the Tenth Step work of taking a daily inventory of your life, as it integrates your relationship with God into that inventory.  The spiritual growth you’ve experienced through the 12 steps has helped you come to depend on God as your source of life, rather than turning to your addiction to feel satisfied.

This step differs from previous spiritual steps by shifting your relationship with God beyond just intense dependence on Him in establishing sobriety into acknowledging God as the guiding force in all areas of your life.  It requires a deepening of your faith and relationship with God in a way that extends beyond empty religious actions.  You will need to find spiritual practices that work to help you build regular conscious contact with God.

How to Work Step Eleven

Create a sacred space.

Where have you had your best experiences with God?  Maybe it’s while you’re out on a walk in the woods, or when you’re wrapped up in a blanket sipping a cup of tea or coffee.  Is there a place in your home where you feel most connected to God?  Is your church a haven to you?  Designate a place that represents closeness in your relationship with God and visit it often.

Sacred space can be created in any physical location.  You might imagine a place in your mind where you feel peace or calm.  You can make a space sacred by lighting a candle, turning on soothing music, or practicing a breathing or meditation exercise.  Whatever you do, seek to set aside the stress of your daily life and enter into a space where you can experience God. 

Another way to cultivate this space involves creating sacred objects associated with a milestone in your recovery or spiritual journey.  For many, the surrender chip they received at their first 12 Step meeting serves this purpose.  If you’ve gone through a particular trial and experienced the closeness of God, choose an object that reminds you of that experience.

Keep a prayer journal.

You may have picked up journaling as a habit during your recovery work.  Use this new practice to engage spiritually.  Write down prayers that you have and review them regularly to see the ways in which God has answered them. 

Be curious about the ways in which God may be answering your prayers in a way you wouldn’t expect.  As an example, you may have hit rock bottom in your addiction, which led to a way out.  God could be using difficulties in your life circumstances to grow you closer in relationship to Him or others.

Connect with God in the morning.

What is the first thing that comes to mind in the mornings for you?  Is it the stress of the day ahead, the dream you had the night before, or wishing you could just drift back off to sleep?  Starting your day in dependence on God can set the course for how the rest of the day will go.

Ask God to be with you during the day.  Pray through the events of the day and any challenges you anticipate coming up in the next several hours.  Use a few minutes to read Scripture using apps like First 5 or Read Scripture.

Pray throughout your day.

Paul exhorts in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to pray without ceasing.  This might seem impractical if you’re splitting focus between work, family, or other tasks.  But you can use this simple Scripture to remind you to talk to God throughout your day as if he were a friend sitting beside you.  The Serenity Prayer can be a helpful, short prayer to memorize and repeat to yourself throughout your day to remind you to focus on God. 

End your day with God using nightly examen.

In discussing Step Ten, examen of consciousness was introduced as a way of reviewing your past day to identify where God was present or where you felt distant from him.  This helps to identify where God was at work in the daily, mundane experiences of your life, reminding you that God doesn’t just work through monumental events.

Taking the examen a step further involves asking God to point out areas where we’ve made mistakes, need to apologize, or could love others more fully.  Allow God to guide these reflections and reveal to you the areas where you can be focusing your attention in the days to follow.

Practice meditation.

Meditation is a popular topic right now, and there are several different ways to meditate.  Scripture meditation involves reflecting on a passage of scripture and allowing God to speak to you through it.  Reading meditations, as mentioned in the Step Ten, involve engaging with recovery literature to help remind you why you’re in recovery. 

Another form of meditation involves setting aside distractions like TV or phones and allowing yourself to connect to your breath in the present moment.  There are several different guided meditations and apps you can use to help in this process. Know that this will be difficult at first, especially if you are prone to anxiety.  The more you practice, the easier it will become. 

Meet regularly with a spiritual mentor or director.

While walking through the earlier steps, you may have identified a spiritual guide, such as a pastor, church member, or spiritual director, to help you through the Twelve Step process.  Now you have an opportunity to ask that individual to help you in your journey to transform all areas of your life.  You can ask that guide to hold you accountable to the changes you want to implement.

Sometimes it can be hard to see God at work in your own life, but others around you may be able to shed more light on His role.  Your spiritual mentor can observe your life and offer you reflections and encouragements, as well as pointing out blocks that are getting in the way of connecting with God.

Step Ten: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Ten: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step Ten is all about living out your recovery day-by-day.  In fact, this step is often referred to as making your life a “living amends.”  In recovery, it is not enough just to walk through the steps once, complete them, and then say you are done.  Step Ten is about living each day differently as a result of the work you’ve done, making a conscious commitment to change, honesty, and authenticity.

Personally, this requires you to pursue self-care and healthier ways of coping.  You will be more conscious of your character flaws and the path you’ve slid into before that’s led to your addiction.  Step Ten also involves being conscious of when you are wrong and admitting it, both to yourself and others.  This requires humility and self-awareness.  In your relationships where you’ve caused harm, including with significant others, this involves the slow process of rebuilding trust. 

Step Ten requires balance, integrating all of your life into your conscious awareness so you can eliminate chaos.  A common phrase in addiction recovery is that addiction thrives in chaos: the less chaotic and more mindful your life becomes, the easier it will be to work your recovery.

 In Patrick Carnes’ book Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps*, he talks about the difference between partial, convenient recovery and inconvenient, or full, recovery.  Full recovery involves knowing that recovery is a constant process that continues past completion of the 12 Steps.  It involves acknowledging that you are a human in process, imperfect and flawed but seeking to grow.

How to Work Step Ten

Keep consistent commitment to your recovery activities.

Maintain connection to your 12 Step group and your sponsor as you continue to take evaluation of your flaws.  It might involve asking others, like your sponsor or 12 Step group members, to speak up when they see areas where you might be wrong.  However, this will only work if you are willing to accept it.

Not only do you need to acknowledge these flaws to yourself, but you also must continue to be open and authentic about feelings and motivations, rather than holding them under a façade of having it all together. This is a huge trust-building skill in relationships, and can be a key factor in maintaining sobriety.

Remain in the present as you hold tension between the past and the future.

We’ve talked about the Stocksdale paradox before, which encourages you to face the challenge of your addiction both by knowing how bad it was while also having a clear vision and hope for the future.  However, focusing too much on the past or the future prevents you from enjoying the present moment and creating awareness of your daily life.

This step involves remaining present to what’s happening in the moment, rather than detaching through using addictive behaviors, fantasy, or delusional thinking.  It requires staying connected to your adult self rather than responding out of childhood wounds.

Create a personal care index.

Patrick Carnes created an exercise in Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps* that I find incredibly helpful in thinking of taking a daily personal inventory.  He calls it the Personal Craziness Index, but I prefer Staci Sprout’s re-envisioning of it as a Personal Care Index.  This exercise involves exploring 12 different areas of your life for indicators that you’re not working your best recovery and/or what needs to be taking place for your life to have balance.  Signs might be as simple as not making your bed in the morning or forgetting to eat. 

This is a simple and powerful way to take a daily inventory and observe your risk factors for slipping back into addiction.  Take some time to work through the different areas that indicate you are succeeding or struggling in daily life and use the tracking system to monitor how these are affecting your daily life and recovery.

Do a daily examen or quiet time.

For many Christians, a daily quiet time of Scripture reading and reflection is a regular part of spiritual practice.  But whether you come from a faith background or not, having a regular time to meditate daily can be a helpful practice to integrate into your recovery.  There are several books of devotionals or meditations that can be helpful for recovery, such as:

• The Language of Letting Go* by Mellody Beattie

• More Language of Letting Go* by Mellody Beattie

• Day by Day: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts*

• Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex Addiction*

• Voices of Recovery – Meditations on Steps and Traditions

Another great practice to adopt is a daily examen of consciousness.  Essentially, an examen of consciousness is an intentional time set up at the end of each day to review the previous day, what went well and what didn’t, acknowledge where you felt the presence or absence of God, and seek change for the next day. This can involve prayer and confession as well.

Observe your intense emotional reactions and examine them.

As you’ve been walking through your recovery, you’ve likely become more aware of your emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.  Now that you’ve removed the addiction that previously allowed you to feel numb, your emotional capacity will increase.  You’ll have strong emotional reactions that are unexpected or confusing, simply because they are unfamiliar and you aren’t sure about their origins.  Take time with your sponsor, a therapist, or a trusted friend to talk through strong emotional reactions and what triggers from your past or childhood wounds they might involve.

Learn new ways to communicate apologies or hurt.

The last part of this step involves promptly admitting hurts or wrongs we’ve committed.  Apologizing can feel like speaking a foreign language when your addiction has taught you to use lies or cover-ups to hide behaviors, rather than bringing them out into the open.  Approach daily apologies or amends like you would learning a new language: test them out, expect to feel awkward at first, and be open to adapting the apologies once you’ve tried out a few methods.  Talk with people in your life who have worked through this step, or practice with your therapist or sponsor.

The Importance of Learning Self-Love: A Review of Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

In 1992, Pia Mellody wrote her book that reached out to those who felt compulsively drawn into toxic or painful relationships: love addicts. In Facing Love Addiction*, Mellody defines love addiction as an unhealthy relationship which involves obsessive time, attention, and value given to another person.  It includes unrealistic expectations on the other person to provide unconditional love, and a corresponding lack of self-care.  Love addiction involves a distortion of intimacy that involves obsessive desire for closeness at the expense of healthy relationships.

Who is this book for? 

As the title suggests, this book is primarily a resource for self-defined love addicts or individuals with codependent tendencies who are wondering if they may be love addicted.  At the same time, she addresses the partners with whom love addicts tend to pair: love avoidants.

Love avoidants are the object of the codependent.  They are typically drawn to the intensity of the love addict because it is similar to relationships with parents or family in childhood.  When this intensity becomes overwhelming, the love addict creates intensity outside the relationship with addictions.

This book includes journaling pages and exercises in the final chapters which provide ways for both love addicts and love avoidants to examine their compulsive patterns and identify the origins of these maladaptive coping strategies in relationships.

What This Book Taught Me

Love addiction and codependency are related, but different.

Mellody describes codependency as a pattern of unhealthy relationships.  Codependents make another person their higher power, leading to power struggles, resentment, addictions, and/or difficulties with intimacy. Individuals who struggle with codependency have difficulty loving themselves, using adequate self-protection, understanding their identity, practicing self-care and moderating themselves. 

Codependency is certainly an element of love addiction, but not all people who are codependent are love addicts.  For the love addict, the markers of codependency that are most notable are low self-esteem and poor self-care habits. 

Love avoidants can have toxic relationships too.

Love avoidants are highly self-protective in relationships, often due to a family history of enmeshment.  The love avoidant may have had to care for an emotional parent or was taken advantage of by a family member.  In their adult lives, they often seek to maintain control over relationships and can do so by threatening to leave the love addict.

Love avoidants also struggle to meet their own needs.  They were typically expected to deny their own needs in service of one or both parents, and therefore missed the opportunity to learn how to recognize and care for their own emotions and needs.

The patterns of love addiction or love avoidance begin in the past.

Present-day relationships are not the cause of love addiction or love avoidance.  Problems in relationships are usually a symptom of a pattern begun in earlier life.  Examining past codependent relationships or experiences of abandonment can shed light how you developed one of these types of relating.

Once you become aware of the ways these experiences have shaped you, it is important to learn to reparent yourself.  This is a tool I often encourage with clients who have experienced trauma in their family-of-origin.  Reparenting yourself involves caring for yourself in the ways you may have missed in childhood.  This can involve creating appropriate boundaries for yourself to increase safety, or to increase our self-care behaviors as you become aware of the unhelpful expectation that your partner will meet all of your needs.

Healthy people seem less attractive without the work of recovery.

If you struggle with love addiction, you may be baffled as to why you continue engaging in relationship after relationship that are toxic and destructive.  You wonder why you can’t find a partner who doesn’t pull you into this addictive cycle.  In relationships, you tend to be attracted to what is familiar.   Even if it is unhealthy, you know what to expect. 

These relationships can serve as an attempt to resolve childhood wounds in the present day.  When you have lived through a traumatic experience in childhood, you may repeat that experience in an attempt to resolve the pain that you once felt, or to try to rewrite the story to create a new outcome.

Entering into recovery breaks these patterns through building healthy relationships that involve self-care, individuation, and effective and healthy boundaries.  This work needs to be done so that the intensity of the addictive relationships becomes less appealing.

You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to start working on the symptoms of codependency or love addiction.

While love addiction and codependency have the most drastic effects in romantic relationships, you can begin working on the skills you’ll need for healthy relationships even if you aren’t partnered up.  Begin by fostering healthy friendships with individuals you meet in your 12 step programs or elsewhere.  Learning to view others with realistic expectations and take care of yourself can significantly impact your awareness of these areas when entering a romantic relationship.  Learn from these relationships by examining your expectations about how others will relate to you.  Use that awareness as an opportunity shift to a more realistic or helpful expectation. 

Step Nine: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Nine is a logical follow-up to Step Eight, where you are asked to list individuals who you have harmed through your addiction and character flaws.  In order to carry out Step Nine, you need the foundation of all eight of the preceding steps.  Step Nine involves bringing others in to the process in a way that they haven’t been involved before, and thus can be particularly shame-inducing.  You will need your support individuals, God, your 12 Step group, and the recovery you’ve completed so far to help guide you through this process.

Step Nine involves acknowledging that your actions have consequences.  Apologies are not the only necessary step to reconciliation: you must also follow those up with actions.  The goal of this step is to foster empathy and restitution, rather than to check a box or move on.

Be mindful of your motives in completing Step Nine.  Often addicts simply want to get their painful feelings off their chest and don’t regard the emotions or responses of others.  If you’re motivated by a desire to vent, relieve your own guilt, or reconnect with someone who has intentionally removed themselves from your life, talk with your sponsor and reconsider.  If you’re rushing into amends, ask yourself if you’re acting out of selfishness or self-serving motives.

How to Work Step Nine

Separate your list of direct and indirect amends.

Identify those individuals with whom it is appropriate to make direct amends with the help of your sponsor.  You may feel a burning desire to make direct amends to someone, but acknowledge when it would actually cause more harm than good to do so.

Pray and ask God to help you experience willingness to move toward amends.

As you work this step, it will feel daunting to tackle making amends with all the individuals on your list.  Pray and ask God for help and support through this process and seek to focus on just one person at a time rather than trying to take on the whole list.

Practice self-care.

This step can be incredibly taxing on the shame-based identity that’s driven your addiction.  Combat the power of that shame by prioritizing self-care and support.  Create a self-care plan for before, during, and after completing amends, and have your sponsor or a support individual from your 12 Step group hold you accountable to that self-care. 

For Direct Amends

Intentionally select who you share amends with first.

Choose who you will break the ice with in making amends first by asking your sponsor who might be the best option for you.  It may be helpful to make amends with the person who you feel the most distress about sharing first, in order to get it out of the way.  Alternatively, it might be worthwhile to make amends with an individual with whom you feel more comfortable first in order to build up your confidence. 

Write a letter outlining the harm you’ve done.

Use the list of specifics you created in Step Eight to draft a letter outlining the harm that you’ve done.  Remember, the purpose of the amends is to take responsibility for your actions rather than to explain or to offer excuses, so focus on “I statements” and limit the details that may come across as defensive.  Limiting details also helps limit the potential for harm.   

Identify ways in your letter in which you can make direct amends in the form of financial restitution, commitments to family obligations or housework, or other forms of restitution.  Ask those with whom you are making amends what they think you could do to make things right.

Practice reading aloud the letter with your support people.

Read the letter several times through with your sponsor, accountability partner, trusted mentor, or therapy group.  This will allow you to become more comfortable with sharing, allow the flow of the letter to feel natural, and receive feedback from others.

Prepare for negative or unexpected responses.

While reading the letter to your support people, anticipate and discuss possible negative responses you might receive from the one you’ve harmed.  Keep in mind that the amends are not causing the pain in the harmed individual: the addiction has already caused the pain.  Remember that the responses of others are not your responsibility and they are able to choose whether they want to reconcile the relationship, but you can only offer your own part in making the amends.

Set up a face-to-face appointment with the harmed individual.

If you are still in contact with the harmed individual, connect with them to set up an appointment time to discuss your amends.  If you or they need to have support individuals involved in the amends process (ie. a sponsor, therapist, pastor, or friend), then make allowances as needed.  Talk with your sponsor about the best way to reach out to individuals with whom you are not in contact.

Indirect Amends

Brainstorm ways you can provide indirect amends.

Perhaps your list of those you’ve harmed includes someone who is deceased.  Or maybe you used pornography or objectified anonymous others sexually.  It could be that re-opening a connection with a former acting out partner would cause more harm than good. 

Talk with your sponsor or 12 Step group about ways to make amends indirectly.  For example, you may be able to offer an anonymous donation or volunteer your time to an organization that fights sex trafficking.  Former acting-out partners can receive a letter of amends rather than a face-to-face meeting.  Writing a letter to a deceased individual may still offer those indirect amends. 

Schedule in your plan to make those amends.

Once you’ve decided the best way to make indirect amends, commit it to your schedule.  For example, if you’ve decided you’ll complete 20 hours of volunteering, sit down and schedule 1 hour a week into your time.  Research organizations to find one that is the best fit for your donation and plan a date to make the donation. 

Use commitment to recovery as “living amends.”

As mentioned earlier, making amends isn’t just about apologizing.  It’s also about a change in action that indicates a commitment to recovery and change.  Even if you can’t make a direct amends, you can live out the change in your life that would offer reparation for the damage caused to those individuals.  You can continue staying sober, changing your behavior toward others, and improving your current relationships.

How Do Christians Deal With Sex and Love Addiction? A Christian Therapist's Perspective

Sex and love addiction is an issue that is stigmatized enough as it is.  But when you add in the complicated faith background of the typical Christian, sex and love addiction can take on an entirely different flavor.  It can carry greater levels of shame and guilt around acting out behaviors, lead to ostracism from the church, or leave those who are addicted with little place to go to find help.

While there have been changes in more recent years, sex is not regularly talked about in churches, unless it is to condemn sexual immorality.  Teenagers are taught about abstinence in a way that leaves them looking online or to their peers for information about sex.  Sexual integrity groups are popping up increasingly more frequently as the problem grows, but they are typically only offered for men.  Addicts are given the message to pray for removal of the addiction, and then are consistently disappointed by their own lack of faith when the behavior doesn’t just go away.

Where Does Addiction Come From? 

Shame-Based Identity

Most often, addiction stems from past experiences of trauma.  Whether it was a significant trauma like sexual or physical abuse, or a “little t” trauma of abandonment or neglect, these experiences have likely left the addict with a distorted sense of self.

This misunderstanding of identity can lead Christians down the path of addiction. The core beliefs identified in Carnes’ cycle of addiction as trigger points for the addictive cycle are shame-based beliefs about a core, fundamental flaw. When believers do not have a true understanding of their identity in Christ, these shame-based messages take control of their thoughts. 

The tool that best contradicts these shame-based beliefs is the word of God found in the Bible. For example, an addict whose core belief is “I am dirty” may act out of her addiction repeatedly, trying to cope with this distorted belief, but worsening her shame by her actions. However, the Bible promises that God has called believers holy and blameless, above reproach (Colossians 1:22).  A concrete understanding of this Scriptural truth can combat those negative core beliefs.

Faulty Theology Around Sexuality

When those shame-based belief systems become intertwined with shame surrounding sex, the addiction worsens.  Silence on sexual matters within the church has a detrimental effect on a healthy theology of sex.  The average Christian’s theology might involve believing God only designed sex for procreation, and enjoying sex itself is shameful or dirty. This drives curiosity about sexual intimacy into a secret, shameful realm, paving the way for addiction.

A healthy theology of sex based in Scripture includes the truth that human sexuality and sexual intimacy are good gifts given from God, intended for enjoyment and pleasure. Song of Songs is a Scriptural love song celebrating the blessings of marital intimacy.  Sexual intimacy within the context and commitment of marriage is character forming, and it is meant to reflect God’s commitment and covenant relationship to the church.

How does addiction develop?

While sexual addiction isn’t a phrase used in the Bible, there are many references to sexual immorality, indicating that sexual purity is an important aspect of relationship with God. The number of these references shows sexual sin is a common area to be swept up in. Yet sexual sin doesn’t always develop into a sexual addiction.  Sexual addiction usually develops as a habit of using sexual behaviors to cope with life’s difficulties develops into a pattern, then a dependence.  Noticing how the behaviors affect daily life can help to discern whether addiction is present. 

In Romans 7, Paul describes the hopelessness and pain of feeling stuck in sin patterns, which sounds relatable to addicts today. He speaks of how the knowledge of the law leads to an awareness of fleshly desires (v. 13-14). However, knowledge of the law and the flesh does not prevent Paul from acting in sin, as he states, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (v. 15). He has the desire to do right but is unable to carry it out (v. 18), instead carrying on doing the very thing he does not want to do (v. 19). This is the dilemma faced by many addicts and by all sinners. Paul’s solution is to recognize his own wretchedness, calling on the name and grace of the Lord (v. 24-25).

Idolatry

My personal perspective on a Christian view of addiction involves an understanding of the concept of idolatry.  In the Old Testament, the Israelites turned to worshipping idols instead of the Lord (Exodus 32). Though most Christians today do not bow down to golden calves like the Israelites did, idolatry appears in more subtle ways. 

Tim Keller, in his book Counterfeit Gods*, indicates that idols are those things that become more important than God to believers. They captivate people’s hearts and seem to say that they can give what only God can give. Psalm 115:4-8 describes these idols in terms of their inability to act, stating in verse 8 that “those who make them become like them.” As addicts place relationships and sex as more important than God, they begin to find their identity wrapped up in their addiction rather than the truth of their identity in Christ. 

The Good News

Fortunately for Christians, no addiction or problematic sin pattern exists beyond God’s power to save. First, there is a distinct difference between temptation and sin, as even Christ experienced temptation, yet did not sin (Hebrews 4:15). While temptation may become sin when acted upon, it can also serve as an opportunity for believers to seek to know God better and build spiritual strength. 

Jesus demonstrates compassion toward women caught in sexual immorality, rather than condemnation or rejection (Luke 7:36-48; John 4:7-26, 8:1-11). In Isaiah, God speaks of His power to set the captives free and break the chains of those who are in bondage, comforting those who mourn (Isaiah 61:1-3). This was a crucial part of Jesus’ ministry, as He proclaimed these truths about Himself as his mission to the world (Luke 4:18-19).  Addicts can find comfort in Jesus’ promise to help those who are in captivity to sin.

In 2 Peter, Peter emphasizes the promise that God has granted all we need for life and godliness (1:3-4), and Paul states in Philippians that we are able to do all things through Christ who strengthens us (4:13). Paul also mentions the fact that God, who began a good work in us, will carry that work on until completion (Philippians 1:6). 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 emphasizes that God is the One who sanctifies the believer, and as He is faithful to His promises, He will surely carry them out. Ultimately, the addict may be comforted by the knowledge that God has promised to do a work in them, and they can trust that He will be faithful and that He is able to complete this work.

Step Six: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Six: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Admitting your flaws and character defects to yourself in Step Four and to another person in Step Five seem like a daunting enough task.  But it’s not enough to end with just acknowledging these flaws.  The next step involves the willingness to change those areas.

Hope comes when you realize that you are not alone on your path to change.  Acknowledging God as the source of change in your life can take the pressure off you to be perfect.  Philippians 2:13 says that God will give us both the power and the willingness to do what pleases Him, and so you can invite him in to this process of change and see Him transform your heart.

What is Step Six? 

According to the Green Book of Sex Addicts Anonymous*, character defects are “undesirable traits, attitudes, and beliefs that make our lives unmanageable, cause pain to others, and block our spiritual growth.”  Often these traits were adopted from childhood experiences of survival.  As adults, you have the option to choose healthier ways of coping and relating.

There is a pivot point in Step Six toward rebuilding your life.  Beyond reflecting on past flaws and defects, this step propels you into changing the future.  Changing your character defects can feel risky because they have often served as the scapegoat or excuse for why you feel unloved or rejected.  Without your excuse, you will have to risk pain without a protective shield.  But making that change leads to movement toward trust and authenticity, which are the foundations of true intimacy.

How To Work Step Six

Revisit your fearless moral inventory from Steps Four and Five.

Identify the attitudes, behaviors, traits, and approaches to life that you recognized in your fearless moral inventory.  Pay extra attention to places where you have felt stuck or are being held back by these traits.  Write a list of the distorted beliefs you have about sex or your drug of choice that keep you in your addict mentality rather than in a rational mindset.

Identify where you learned the different character defects.

As mentioned earlier, the ways in which you cope with painful emotions or experiences in your life are shaped by coping strategies picked up in the past, whether healthy or unhealthy.  Acknowledging where you learned these patterns does not exonerate you from blame, but instead acknowledges its origins and gives grace to the part of you that did whatever it took to survive.

Were your character defects something you picked up from your parents?  Were they something you used to survive a painful childhood?  Were you hurt in a way that sent a message such as, “you have to protect yourself,” or “don’t be responsible for anything, you’ll screw it up”?  Is there a history of depression, anxiety, addiction, or mental illness in your family?  Do you see the patterns of these family members reflected in your life?

Acknowledge what purpose these flaws of character served in your life.

You wouldn’t act or think in these ways if they didn’t feel good or serve you in some way.  Maybe your forgetfulness allowed you not take responsibility for mistakes.  Maybe you never had to be on time because your loved ones expected you to flake.  Maybe your lack of commitment in jobs or relationships protected you from responsibility.  Or maybe you didn’t have to make your inner world known and risk rejection because you isolated yourself or avoided relationships.

These coping strategies have served a purpose to protect you from painful emotions, hurt, or fear.  Ask yourself: what are you afraid will happen once these are gone?  Do you fear being rejected?  Unloved?  Abandoned?  Enmeshed with another person?  If you acknowledge the ways you are self-sabotaging in your areas of growth, you no longer will be able to use your character defects as excuses or justifications.  You will need to face the pain connected to these fears.

Acknowledge the areas in which you will feel deprived and not want to release these character defects.

You’ve been working on maintaining your sobriety from quite some time.  And if that weren’t enough, this step asks you to remove other coping mechanisms through giving up your character flaws.  This can be a scary process.  Practicing humility and dependence on God and your support system are crucial at this point.  You need them to move from just understanding these flaws into making a change in your behaviors and attitudes.

List each character defect with the corresponding positive quality that can replace it.

Often the coping strategies we’ve used to survive that have turned into flaws in our adulthood are two sided: they have both a light side and a dark side.  Identify the “light” side of each of your character flaws: see your defects and become aware of how you can use them for good or replace them with more adaptive behaviors or qualities you want to embody.  This could be moving from mistrust to trust, or allowing yourself to be human rather than trying to be superhuman.  Begin to seek opportunities to live out these positive characteristics.

Invite God into the process.

As this step expresses in its phrasing, God is a crucial part of this process.  Invite God through prayer to illuminate the areas where you feel resistant to letting go.  Ask God if He will stay with you despite knowing all your flaws.  Scripture reminds us that God saved us when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8), so He likely knows them already and still chose relationship with you.  If you don’t feel fully willing to let go of these flaws in character, pray and ask God to change your heart.

Invite your sponsor or trusted guide in.

Share this process with your sponsor.  Ask your trusted guide or your friends in recovery if they know of other areas of weakness or character difficulties to which you are still clinging.  They may have faced similar character issues in their personal journeys and have ideas on how to resolve them.  Ask for help and support through this process.

5 Lies Female Sex and Love Addicts Believe

Jane thought tonight would be just like any other night.  She got home from work, made dinner, tucked the kids in to bed, and went upstairs to send a few work emails.  Her husband was traveling, but she was feeling good about how she kept the house from falling into chaos while he was gone.

She started out by reading through her emails, but as she began to feel more stress surrounding her responsibilities both in her family and at work, loneliness and anxiety hit.  Before she knew it, she had clicked over to a few porn websites.  Hours passed flipping through these websites in the blink of the eye before Jane fell exhausted into bed to get a few hours of sleep before the kids woke up.

When her alarm clock startled her awake in just a few short hours, feelings of dread and shame washed over her.

Why does this have such a hold on me?  I shouldn’t want this so much.  I wish I could just stop.

This chorus of internal voices is often a familiar friend to the addict.  The pull of a behavior that can’t be stopped.  The helplessness that comes with another slip or relapse.  The discrediting of victory that occurs when temptation hits once again.

These voices cut at the core of the identity of the female sex and love addict.  They can rip at her self-esteem until the only relief she can find comes in the form of acting out in her addiction again, which can provide a fleeting sense of affirmation and comfort.

But that isn’t the end of the story.

Each of these beliefs that echoes so strongly in the mind of an addict has a contrasting reality that provides an antidote to the pain associated with the negative thoughts.  In the midst of the struggle, these truths are often clouded out by shame and feel impossible to believe.  My hope is that, by reminding you of these realities, they would begin to grow louder than those critical and shaming words in your mind.

If this is an issue you struggle with, do you connect with these voices?  Do the following words sound familiar to you at all?

“This is a man’s issue.”

Media portrayals and common conversation indicate that men primarily view pornography or struggle with sex addiction.  However, research has shown that 1 in 3 visitors to porn websites is female, and that number is likely on the rise.  This dispels the myth that you are the only woman who struggles with this, and in fact, you likely know other women who share this secret struggle.

The reality: Men and women both struggle with this issue.

“I’m dirty.  I must be a [choose your own derogatory term].” 

It is a common cultural message that men are celebrated for their many sexual conquests, while women are shamed for similar sexual behavior.  This has led to a tightening of morality on women in many ways.  While that cultural message is in the process of changing, it can still be stigmatizing for a woman to admit her sexual desire.  The reality is, a woman needs to embrace her own sexuality and sexual desire as part of healing from addiction.

The reality: Sexual desire is a good and healthy response – it is what we do with desire that can derail us.

“There is something wrong with me.” 

Belief in a fundamental flaw is a common thought that occurs for women.  Combining the two lies mentioned above, the female addict can believe that there is something wrong with her for having a desire to engage in sexual behaviors.  Further stigma can come from the supposed lack of self-discipline that makes it feel difficult to stop.  Overgeneralizations and stereotypes abound that feed the flame of self-condemnation.

The reality: I am not defective.  There is no fundamental flaw in me that has caused this addiction.

“It is impossible to stop.  I’ll never be free from this addiction.” 

It is a common behavior for addicts to try their hardest to stop their behavior several times to no avail.  One basis for this difficulty is neurochemical changes that have occurred in the brain that create a sort of superhighway for your brain to travel down when triggered by your addiction.  However, those neurochemical changes don’t have to be permanent – the brain can change with deep, focused work.  Doing the work of recovery from addiction provides that deep focus that can rewire the brain to experience freedom.

The reality: This doesn’t have to last forever.  The brain wiring of addiction can be changed with focused recovery work.

“I am alone.”

This is the most insidious lie of all.  Addiction can be extremely isolating – it is an intimacy disorder after all.  All the previous lies can create a feeling for addicts that they must hide themselves, masking their struggles and pain, letting no one know of their struggles.  But this creates a cycle where addicts feel increasingly isolated because they aren’t able to connect with others who share their experience.  Reaching out to a recovery group or a trusted friend gives you a place to go with your pain.

If you’re reading this and you struggle with sex and love addiction, this is the reality I want you to hear loud and clear:

You are not alone.

This article was originally posted on February 16, 2017.

Re-Writing Your Story of Shame

What are ten words you can use to describe yourself?  We’ve often encountered this exercise in school or in the workplace.  Typically these descriptions are roles we play (mother, sister, friend) or our profession (writer, teacher, therapist).  They may include adjectives like friendly or confident.

How would this exercise change if you identify ten negative labels you associate with yourself?  It could include words you fear others think about you, or that plague your thoughts in your most anxious or insecure moments.  These words come from a place of shame within you.  Words like impostor.  Addict.  Depressed.  Alone.

You may be aware of racial or gender stereotyping you face personally or that you’ve seen others encounter.  Maybe you’ve even labeled others quickly in your own mind, not thinking of the consequences of those labels.  Labelling others is a psychological shortcut called a heuristic, which is a way our mind sorts new information so that it doesn’t tax our brain as much.  But these heuristics influence stereotypes, which have implications for performance and expectations of ourselves and others.

Labels are particularly potent in addiction.  The labels associated with addiction are often damaging and hurtful.  The words themselves don’t cause the damage: it’s the stereotypes around the behaviors or character qualities associated with the labels.

You are not defined by your diagnosis.

Take a look at this TEDx talk from Adi Jaffe about his experience with labels and shame.  (Warning: there is an instance of coarse language at the end of the talk.)

How can you take a step into “rebranding” your own shame-filled labels?

Make your mental illness your superpower.

As Jaffe noted, the stigma of his diagnosis of ADHD had the potential to limit him from achieving his goals.  Instead, he chose to see the benefits of his ADHD: it allows him to multitask and think creatively about the work he does as a psychologist.

“You might just find that your disorder is your biggest gift.”

Make a list of the gifts your addiction or mental illness has given you.  For example, addiction was a survival method that got you through past experiences of pain or harm.  Perhaps your anxiety has allowed you to plan for possible negative outcomes and have more realistic expectations.  Wrestling through depression may have given you the ability to help others who struggle with grief or sadness when others don’t understand what it feels like.  Healing from mental illness teaches you skills in self-care and emotional awareness, which can impact your coping with stress.

Talk about your mental illness.

Jaffe took a huge step of bravery in sharing his own story of cocaine addiction and rehab on the TEDx stage on the campus where he teaches.

Share your story of mental illness with someone else around you.  You’d be surprised how many people are dealing with the same thing, even though on the surface they don’t show it.  The more you talk about your unique experience of mental health issues, the broader the definition of your label becomes.  You have the power to change the way people think about depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other label that is often stereotyped and misunderstood.

Take quality care of yourself.

One of the most insidious messages people with mental illness hear is that they are somehow weak for having it, or they have brought it upon themselves.  Jaffe quotes a statistic from his study that says 75% of individuals avoid getting help because of shame, stigma, or inability to share their pain with others.  There is no reason to punish yourself for your struggles with mental health by avoiding help or thinking you just have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

Do what you need to live a healthy life, even if others perceive it as weakness.  If you consciously choose not to dictate your self-care by what others think, then those who share your label will see you as a role model and emulate your more healthy life.  Practice self-care.  See a therapist.  Take a nap, for goodness sake.  Do whatever it is you need to do to be a healthier version of yourself.

Be conscious of how you label others.

This is an area I need to be wary of as a therapist who has the power to diagnose my clients. It informs my intentional decision to approach each of my clients with a unique and individualized treatment plan.  As an example, if I start to see all of my clients with sex and love addiction as the same, they will be short-changed and not get adequate treatment for their personal needs.  I strive to see each one of my clients as a person rather than as a diagnosis and treat them accordingly.

If we deal with people by their label, we run the risk of relating to them as a concept but not a person.

Pay attention to what labels you tend to place on others you interact with day-to-day, along with stereotypes that go with each label.  Notice how you tend to make assumptions, whether right or wrong, about their behaviors or thoughts.  Give yourself grace for this – it’s literally a function of our brain that helps us to survive! But become more aware of your own stereotypes and seek to learn more about the people you label.

Step Five: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

You’ve now done the grueling work of self-assessment involved in Step Four.  While Step Four can feel like a battle to work through your character defects, the Fifth Step may be even more challenging.  It involves bringing another person into your story, allowing them to hear the full extent of your wrongs, and being open to receiving their acceptance of you.

In this process, you’ll face your denial by admitting to yourself the extent of your wrongs.  You’ll also be acknowledging God in this step, who knows the full extent of your wrongdoing, beyond what you are aware of yourself at this time.  Rest in the truth that God, knowing all your wrongdoing ahead of time, chose to love you, accept you, and offer you forgiveness despite all of it (Romans 5:8).

Why is the Fifth Step important?

Addiction is driven by shame and isolation.  For women struggling with sex and love addiction, these two categories are intermixed: shame about struggling with what is a “man’s issue” leads women to withdraw from others who may be able to relate to them.  They then feel lonely and hopeless, drawing them back into the false intimacy of the addiction.  Having someone who knows your story gives you a break from the loneliness you’ve experienced in your addiction.

When you share your fearless moral inventory, you’re able to receive community and acceptance in a way you’ve likely never experienced.  Words of encouragement from the listener can change the negative internal monologue you have with yourself and provide new vocabulary to be kind to yourself.  Confessing these wrongs helps you to leave behind the double life of addiction and come out of hiding, releasing the burden of your secrets.  It establishes trust with God, yourself, and others.

It is essential to review your Fourth Step with complete honesty in the presence of another person to experience healing.  Whatever we are holding back can become a stronghold that drives us back into the addictive behavior.  It is important to express every detail, even if it is difficult to do so.

How to Work The Fifth Step

Bring your fearless moral inventory to God.

In order to successfully complete the Fifth Step, you must rely on God as your strength.  This task is too daunting to complete on your own, which is why the Second and Third steps precede it.  We need to be fully honest with ourselves and God to see that he loves us and accepts us, meaning we are lovable and worthy of care.  This offers an extra layer of support in case our trusted individual with whom we share our moral inventory does not respond how we expect or need.  Humans are imperfect, but God is perfect and will be able to provide all the compassion and support you need.

Remind yourself of the truth that God was with you and loved you even when you were in the darkest and deepest moments of your addiction.  If he was with you in those desolate places, he will certainly be with you as you step out in sharing them with someone else.

Release any denial or self-deception that may still linger.

After completing your fearless moral inventory, sit with a journal and record any reactions, emotions, or experiences you’ve had as a result.  Imagine sitting across from your trusted individual to share your inventory and write down the sensations, thoughts, or feelings you might have in that situation.  Pay special attention to any areas of defensiveness or fear that may be plaguing your mind.  Notice if there are any parts of your story that you are planning to leave unsaid or ignore in the course of the discussion.

Remember that, in order to see the full effects of completing the Fifth Step, it is essential to share the full extent of your knowledge about your character defects.  As you notice areas where you get stuck, explore if you are struggling with self-deception or denial.  Rid yourself of excuses you make to hide or avoid acknowledging the painful parts of your inventory.

Acknowledge (and receive!) the good as well as the bad.

In the course of completing your moral inventory, you were asked to write not only the character defects and wrongs you’ve committed, but also the positive aspects of who you are.  This can be the most difficult part of the process for some, as it directly contrasts messages of shame.  But it is necessary both for you to acknowledge and claim these positive characteristics within yourself and to hear your trusted individual share words of kindness and encouragement.  It can also be helpful to engage with Scriptural truths that remind you of your identity in Christ and the positive aspects of who you are because of God.

Set up 2-3 scheduled sessions with your trusted individual to share your inventory.

Select a person who you can trust to hear your moral inventory and provide encouragement and confidentiality.  This can be a sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual mentor, or a therapist.  It is generally discouraged to have this individual be a family member, spouse, or individual who has been directly affected by your behaviors – having a neutral audience can help you to feel more comfortable with being completely honest and prevents further harm.  Make sure this person can identify your deepest feelings related to your inventory and reflect them back to you.

Honestly share your fearless moral inventory with your trusted individual.

Outline for this individual each aspect of your inventory of character weaknesses.  When discussing actions, describe what you did, when you did it, and what you were thinking or feeling when doing it. Include information not only about acting out behaviors, but about other areas of your life where these weaknesses have affected you.  Stating these items out loud can help you to break through denial.

Expect fears of rejection to come up in you.  You’ve likely never been this vulnerable with anyone in your life.  It makes sense that this would feel terrifying.  Remind yourself that the person with whom you’re sharing will feel honored by your choice to be genuine with them.

Be open to hearing about your trusted individual’s personal journey and similar actions or feelings they may have experienced.  It helps you to feel a little less alone in your recovery journey.  It also creates support as you feel that your experience is more normal than you initially thought. 

Continue to come back to this step in the future.

Remember that you will continue to discover new aspects of your character, both positive and negative, throughout your lifetime.  Accept the fact that you will continually need to come back to this inventory and have additional conversations with your trusted individuals in the years of recovery to come.  Do not feel the pressure to have 100% of your character defects figured out at this point: offer what you are able, and trust that the rest will come out in the process.