Disappointed With Your Sex Life in Marriage? Tips to Improve Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is one of the most thorny issues for married couples.  Messages we get from media and our world tell us that sex is supposed to be easy, natural, and feel good.  Unfortunately, that’s often not the reality in marriage.  Histories of past abuse, faulty beliefs about sex, conflict in your marriage, or past sexual experiences can influence sexual intimacy.

Add sex and love addiction into the mix and you’ve got deeper layers of trauma, distorted sexuality, and faulty communication styles that get in the way.  Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder, meaning that all areas of intimacy, including sexual, are influenced by the addiction.

What does it mean to have a healthy view of your sexuality?  Marnie Ferree, in her book for female sex and love addicts No Stones*, speaks of the cornerstones of healthy sexuality as sexual choice, sexual information and attitudes, and sexual presence.  I also believe understanding expectations around sex, particularly those influenced by spiritual backgrounds, are important.  Addressing emotional intimacy in the relationship is an crucial component of feeling comfortable in the sexual realm. 

Sexual Choice, Not Coercion

Sexual choice involves the freedom to choose to be sexual out of a desire for the other person, rather than feeling forced or coerced into engaging in sexual activity. Sex with mixed motives (to feel good about yourself, to keep your spouse from bugging you about it, as a bribe) can distort your view of sex.

If you are feeling coerced into sexual behaviors with which you do not feel comfortable, or you are forced into sexual acts without your consent, this is sexual abuse.  If this is happening, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE to get connected to help in your area.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel like I have to be sexual in order to be loved?

• Do I feel like I need to give my spouse sex in order to keep them with me?

• Do I not have a choice in the matter?

Messages, Information, and Expectations about Sex

Couples need correct sexual information and attitudes, as these are often flawed or distorted by past abuse and abandonment patterns, the influence of media, comparison with peers, and messages from family or the church.  What you expect from your sexual relationship may be drastically different from the reality you experience.

Part of the issue comes from a lack of knowledge about sex.  With school programs focused on abstinence-only education, and many parents feeling uncomfortable having the “sex talk” with their children, it is easy to see how we are left with misinformation about sex.  For most of today’s teenagers and young adults, sex education comes from peers, media, or pornography, which all offer skewed pictures of healthy intimacy.

Unfortunately, distortions around the purpose of sexual intimacy can also come from churches.  Sex may be seen as simply a way to procreate, or it can be associated with shame due to an overemphasis on abstinence.  In reality, the Bible indicates that sex within marriage is intended for pleasure and delight. It gives couples the opportunity to honor and love someone other than the self in addition to creating new life. Song of Solomon is an entire book of the Bible focused on marital sexuality and its role in reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church.

Ask yourself:

• Where or from whom did I learn about sex?

• What were some of my earliest sexual experiences?

• What expectations about sex did I have walking into marriage?

• How have they changed?

• What messages did I get from the church/my religious upbringing around sex?

• Do I feel awkward or like I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m being sexual with my spouse?

Presence

Sexual presence, or ability to stay engaged in the present moment of sex with the partner, is necessary.  It can be easy to become distracted or to have your mind on other things when you’re engaging in sexual intimacy with your spouse, particularly for women.  Addicts may dissociate or fantasize during the sexual act as a residual coping mechanism.  Body image issues can be a distraction to being present, as well as unresolved conflict or tension.

Ask yourself:

• Do I have a hard time staying in the present moment in life in general?  While being sexually intimate?

• Do I tend to fantasize or distract myself during sexual intimacy?

• Am I too focused on the way my body looks to relax and enjoy sex? 

Communication

Another key element of healthy sexuality within marriage involves direct communication with your spouse about sex before, during, and after sexual activity. Without these clear lines of communication, there can be misunderstandings about what each of you prefers. Affirmation about what you like helps with closeness and understanding of sexual needs within marriage. Addicts who are dealing with sexual shame can be aided by honest communication about feelings and acceptance with their spouse.

Ask yourself:

• Do I talk regularly with my spouse about sexual intimacy?

• How would talking about sex make me feel?  Nervous?  Afraid?

• Do one or both of us tend to be critical about sex? 

Emotional Connection

I believe healthy sexuality involves not just sex itself, but also emotional connection in the relationship.  The intimacy present in marriage outside the bedroom of knowing one another and expressing and receiving affection, appreciation, and respect feed feelings of intimacy.

Honesty and vulnerability are often difficult concepts to grasp, especially when you have been in situations where you were taken advantage of or unsafe.  It involves great risk to open yourself up to emotional vulnerability with another person, and yet it elevates intimacy on all levels when you engage.

Ask yourself:

• Do I struggle with any of the other areas of sexual intimacy because I don’t feel emotionally close to my spouse?

• Do I have a hard time being honest or vulnerable, and turn to sex to create intimacy instead?

• Do I use sex to run away from painful or uncomfortable emotions?

One Game-Changing Tool to Approach Arguments as Opportunities for Intimacy in Marriage

It’s a typical Saturday afternoon, and you’re wrapped in up in cleaning the house, watching a pot of soup on the stove, and attempting to keep your kids entertained.  Your spouse walks in the door to see Legos scattered around the floor, the debris left over from one of your many attempts at distraction.  Your spouse gives you a look that communicates, “did a bomb go off in here?”

You immediately feel a flood of anger coursing through your veins.  You snap at your spouse, irritated with their nonverbal insensitivity and criticism.  You start defending yourself, and meanwhile your spouse looks completely bewildered and caught off guard, like a deer in the headlights.

Little did you know in that moment, but that particular look on your spouse’s face was exactly the same as the look your father used to give you before he launched into a tirade about your irresponsibility and immaturity.  For a moment, your father’s face flashed before your eyes, not your spouse’s, and you were brought right back to the feeling of being a chastised child.

What is a trigger?

You’ve likely experienced moments like these in your life, where you’ve had an intense and strong emotional reaction to something that didn’t make sense.   These moments, referred to as triggers, are moments when you experience an intense and extreme emotional reaction that is disproportionate to the event that occurred.  Typically, these are brought on by memories of past experiences where you felt hurt, ashamed, guilty, or a range of other negative emotions.  Most often, triggers differ from person to person and are not easily predicted, and therefore can lead to arguments or miscommunication in marriage.

Talking about triggers is an integral part of learning to communicate more effectively in your relationships and have arguments that lead you to become more intimately connected with one another.

Wait a second – arguments that cause you to become more intimately connected?  That sounds like a mistake.

Guess what?  It’s not.

John Gottman, marriage researcher, prefers to talk about the concept of conflict “management” rather than conflict “resolution.”  Why’s that?  He found that 69% of conflicts couples have in their marriage are unresolvable – meaning that conflict resolution is a myth in 69% of arguments.

Instead, couples need to come to a place of compromise in their arguments.  The process of getting to compromise involves learning more about triggers in order to grow to understand your partner’s past.  As you get to know your partner’s experience, you’ll become more adaptive and empathetic to their needs, and more willing to make a compromise.  You’ll also feel known and understood as they learn your side of the story.

Sounds like a win-win after all!

How can I tell when I’m being triggered?

Step one to understanding triggers is understanding when you’ve been triggered.  This involves becoming aware of your emotional and physical reactions.  In the example above, you had no idea why you jumped from relatively neutral to raging in less than 3.6 seconds at the look on your spouse’s face.

If you were able to take a step back a little later when you had calmed your emotional arousal, you may have been able to gain more awareness of what emotion came up.  In the example above, you may have felt fear or defensiveness.  Triggers typically involve emotions or beliefs that are deeper under the surface, so uncovering them is a crucial process.

When you identify the emotion, ask yourself: what message does this emotion communicate to me?  If I could give the emotion a voice, what would it be saying?  In the example, the fear of defensiveness is saying that I’m worthless or not good enough.

Then, take a moment to ask yourself this question: when was the first time I remember feeling that way?  What is a significant time in my past when I remember having those thoughts?

Alternatively, think of that emotion or that belief and rewind the tape of your life back – what moments stand out to you as times when you truly believed that thought?  When that emotion was felt?

How do I communicate about triggers with my spouse?

Once you’ve calmed down enough to identify that trigger, then it’s time to communicate the trigger to your spouse.  This process mirrors Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight exercise, allowing you to name what you need.

First, talk to your spouse about how you felt in the moment about what happened. “I felt angry when you came home because it seemed as though you were judging me for the state of the house.”

Next, identify why that particular reaction was triggering to you.  “The look on your face reminded me of a look my father used to give me before yelling at me about how irresponsible I was.  Back then, I would feel afraid and believe that I was worthless and not good enough.”

Then, take responsibility for the disproportionate reaction: “I responded out of fear and defensiveness to you, even though you are not my father, and I don’t believe those words were what you were trying to communicate to me.  I am sorry for snapping at you and criticizing you.”

Finally, communicate what you will do in the future, as well as asking your spouse for help.  As an option, you can invite your spouse to suggest an idea for him or her to carry out.  “In the future, I will do my best to remind myself that you are not my father and that you are not commenting on my worth or value.  If you’re willing, it would be helpful for me to hear you say that you love me or offer to help.  Is that something you’re willing to try?”

Notice how the interation above invites intimacy.  You have to step into the risk of sharing vulnerably a difficult part of your story that allows your spouse to get to know you better.  You humbly take responsibility for your fault in the matter, as none of us are without blame.   And it gives a solution-focused response on how to approach those conflicts in the future.

My hope is that you’ll begin to see your arguments with your spouse not as a signal that your relationship is falling apart, but as an opportunity to grow closer to one another and connect to one another’s worlds.

Surviving the Holidays With Your Spouse

Christmas trees are going up, holiday lights are twinkling, and peace and love are filling the air everywhere…well, everywhere except in your home.  The holidays are notorious for being fraught with conflict and stress, which can wreak havoc on our relationships.  Marriages are particularly under fire.  You’ve likely experienced arguments about which family traditions to uphold, where the holidays will be spent, and stress that comes with in-laws and shopping.  Research shows that divorces are shown to increase in the months following the holidays. I believe that relates to the conflict and strife that arises out of this season of the year.

How can you actively work to combat the potential devastation the holidays can bring to your marriage?

Discuss and plan traditions in your family.

As John Gottman likes to say, regardless of where we were born, we each bring our own cultures into the marriage: the culture of our family growing up.  We raised with traditions around the holidays, and you have likely tried to implement some of these within your current marriage.  However, some of these rituals can clash.

Talk with your spouse and ask about their favorite holiday traditions.  Pay attention to traditions they love now, favorite traditions of childhood, and what they wish you’d do together.  Talk about your best and worst experiences of the holidays growing up as a way of identifying common factors to implement and avoid.  Talk about your favorite holiday memories together as a couple and seek to put into practice similar moments.

If you come from families that didn’t have a lot of traditions, it might be helpful to implement some new practices, or rituals of connection, with your family.  Rituals of connection are practices infused with meaning that family members do in order to create connection, intimacy, and security in who you are as a family unit.  These rituals are an important factor in creating a new sense of family within your marriage.

Identify your own triggers and those of your spouse during the holidays.

While the holidays often carry special and joyful memories, they can also be overshadowed by trauma or pain.  If a loved one who has recently passed away played a major role in holiday festivities, the signs of the season may bring on fresh waves of grief.  Sit down with your spouse and children and talk about ways to honor the memory of those who won’t be celebrating with you this year.

Holidays also often involve time with family, which can sometimes be distressing.  Family dynamics can be their worst at the holidays, as stress makes our negative qualities more prominent.  Have a plan ahead of time for how to navigate those triggers together as a couple.

Sometimes even just lowering your expectations for the holidays can help.  It’s often the moments when you’re most trying to make the holiday perfect for someone else that you end up steamrolling over your spouse’s emotions.

Practice damage control when (not if) you fight.

If you know you and your spouse have the same argument every holiday season, take some time to plan ahead and talk through the potential fight earlier.  Use Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight discussion as a tool to process past fights, identify sensitivities or triggers you may have, and plan for how to approach those arguments in the future.

And when you inevitably find yourself in the argument, try to understand your spouse’s perspective and practice empathy.  Look for an opportunity to come to a place of compromise so that you can have a win-win situation, rather than trying to come out on top.

Inject some fun into your holiday celebrations.

Holidays are stressful.  (Have I said that enough?)  There are a multitude of events and schedules to juggle, between children’s schooling, work parties, and travel to visit family.  Take some time aside with your spouse to slow down and just have fun together.

Go see the Christmas lights at Greenfield Village.  Spend a day cuddled up under the blankets with hot cocoa having a Christmas movie marathon.  Drive around your neighborhood to see the lights and choose a favorite house.  If you have a hard time thinking of something, or you worry about having fun on a budget, Google some ideas and pick one or two that sound fun or inexpensive!

Budget together for Christmas shopping.

Finances are one of the top areas that couples tend to fight over, and the holidays are the season when it's easiest to overspend.  Buying gifts for friends and family, shopping the hot Black Friday deals, or going out for celebratory holiday meals can lead to greater spending than anticipated.

As a couple, set some limits on spending for the holidays.  Talk through how much you’d like to spend on your children, family members, and friends.  If this means you have to have hard conversations with your children or your extended family about your financial limits, seek to do so united as a couple.

Volunteer together.

The old adage about Christmas says that we ought to be more cheerful about giving than receiving.  However, that sentiment can easily get lost in all of the hustle and bustle.  Slowing down to notice opportunities to give back this time of year can help your family to connect to gratitude for the blessings you have and a larger purpose for the season.

Find an activity you can do with just your spouse, or bring your children into it as well.  Donate your time at a food kitchen.  Hand out blankets, food, and hygiene kits to the homeless.  Help out at a children’s Christmas party in an impoverished part of the city.  Ring a bell for the Salvation Army.

I believe taking one of the items above and putting in into practice could radically transform your marriage this holiday season.  Give it a try – you never know how one little shift could change your Christmas.

What To Do If Your Spouse Has Depression

You’ve been noticing some changes in your partner.  She has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.  He’s lost interest in the friends and outings he used to love.  She bursts into tears at the slightest provocation.  He talks about feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, and tired.

When your loved one is going through a season of depression, it can be difficult to know how to respond, especially if you’ve never experienced depression yourself.  When depression is not addressed in relationships, it can create emotional and relational problems that lead to divorce.  Depression affects communication between spouses, creates isolation from friends, and can lead to feelings of depression in the healthy spouse.  Conflict can escalate as your partner experiences irritability and shifts in mood.

How can you actively respond to your spouse’s depression in a way that doesn’t drive you apart, but that draws you closer together?

First, learn about depression.

Understanding the way depression works is the first step to supporting your spouse.  Read books and articles to learn more about depression symptoms.  Identify which symptoms are common for your spouse, and get to know the types of negative thoughts that characterize depression.  Learn about differences in severity and what to do if your spouse struggles with thoughts of suicide.  If you’ve just had children, learn about the symptoms of post-partum depression.  Identify if the depression is related to a situation like a death in the family, or if it’s a more chronic problem.

Reduce the stigma.

You might find that your spouse denies struggling with depression or feels ashamed at having to admit they need help. People with depression can dislike putting that fact about them on display.  They can feel stereotyped and marginalized as others minimize their concerns, saying words like, “It’s no big deal, you’ll cheer up soon.”  Encourage your spouse that what they’re experiencing is normal for depression, they don’t need to feel shame, and help is available.

Build your marital friendship.

John Gottman shares that a top prevention strategy for post-partum depression is building and maintaining friendship in your marriage.  You can foster this friendship in many ways.  Spend time asking each other questions to learn about one another’s worlds.  Go for a walk or exercise together, as exercise offers health benefits for depression and can be a great activity for connection.  Choose a sitcom on Netflix to watch and laugh together.

Talk about how you’re feeling.

Processing and understanding emotions in one another can be a great way to build intimacy and cope with feelings of depression.  Check in every day to find out how each of you are feeling, using a structure like Gottman’s stress reducing conversation.  Seek to understand your spouse, not to fix them. Take time to name the different emotions you experienced today.  Discuss a high and low moment from the day, identify things for which you are grateful, and affirm what you achieved throughout the day.

Create a game plan with your spouse for bad days.

In the ups and downs of depression, there will be days that are worse than others.  On bad days, it can be helpful to have a plan of activities to do to care for your spouse.  Pay attention to the triggers.  Explore ideas on what helps your spouse to feel better on bad days and encourage him or her to do them.  Offer a massage.  Practice gratitude together.  Encourage your spouse to take care of him or herself without pushing.

Be patient.

It can be easy to become angry with a spouse whose actions affect you.  If they have difficulty at work due to their depression, aren’t motivated to do fun things together, or have a hard time caring for children, it can feel like you’re taking on more responsibility.  In this case, share how you feel (gently) and seek to find a compromise or solution.  Be aware that talking about their struggles with depression or making suggestions on what to do might be met with defensiveness, so be mindful of taking a gentle approach. 

Respect and support their work in therapy.

Ultimately, if your spouse is struggling with depression, he or she needs to seek professional help. One way to support this process is to drive them to sessions with their therapist or psychiatrist.  When your spouse is in therapy, expect them to set boundaries and make changes in their life that may affect you, including cutting back on some responsibilities. If their therapist requests you come in for sessions or begin couples therapy, do so.  Request to come in for a session to learn about how you can support your spouse’s work with the therapist.

Prioritize your own self-care, friendships, and therapy.

As depression impacts your partner, you may tend to isolate from others as a couple.  It may be more difficult to have fun together.  It is important for you to cultivate your own relationships with friends and family to help.  Identify safe family members or same-sex friends who can be a support.  Be wary of depending too much on friends of the opposite sex, as that could lead to infidelity.  If needed, pursue your own therapy to learn about how to cope with the emotions and stress you’re experiencing.

Most importantly, if your spouse talks about thoughts of suicide or a plan to harm themselves, seek immediate medical help.  Drive your partner to the nearest ER facility or call 911.

It is important not to minimize this last point: if your spouse is talking about suicide, take action.  If you are unsure about the symptoms of suicidal ideation, call the suicide prevention lifeline (1-800-273-8255) and ask about warning signs.

As the spouse of someone struggling with depression, you have the power to make an impact in their healing.  My hope is that as you learn to care better for both yourself and your spouse, you’ll be able to experience greater intimacy as you fight back against depression together.

Three Dead-End Approaches to Communication (And One Way Out)

One summer in college, I shared a house with eleven other women (and yes, it was as crazy as it sounds).  We had a house meeting early on where we outlined rules and expectations for living together.  One roommate asked that we use direct, verbal communication when we had concerns, rather than leaving notes, which could be seen as passive-aggressive.  While we took her concern seriously, we began to playfully design perfect passive-aggressive comments.  This experience taught me a lot about what not to do, but it also demonstrated the benefits of direct communication. 

Poor communication is the #1 reason why couples come to therapy.  Typically, communication styles between partners clash and lead to conflict, and direct communication is not happening.  Often unhealthy systems of relating are modeled for us in our families growing up, and our adoption of our parents’ styles wreaks havoc in our marriages.

Determining your own communication style sheds light on ways you can speak more directly and improve your marriage.   Here are three common unhealthy types of communication.

Passive

When you’re faced with conflict, do you run away?  Maybe you don’t speak up about your needs, invalidating your desires.  You may feel anger from time to time, but it’s easy to belittle yourself and make excuses for why you shouldn’t bring it up.

Passive communicators tend to be conflict avoidant, masking their negative emotions through calm or complacency.  Yet they must to deal with their negative emotions somehow and might find themselves turning to addictive behaviors as a coping mechanism.  This is the member of the duo that wants to run away from conflict and stop the conversation as soon as possible.

Beliefs that drive this communication style include unworthiness or low self-esteem.  Passive communicators don’t trust their own judgment and emotions, and they can feel like a doormat.

Aggressive

In contrast to the passive style, aggressive communicators use more intimidation or force with the way they speak.  They might use sarcasm, contempt, yelling, or name-calling in the course of a conflict conversation.  At extremes, this can become verbal abuse, used to gain control.

Aggressive personalities have a low tolerance for emotional distress, and therefore can fly off the handle unexpectedly.  When the passive partner withdraws, the aggressive spouse may become more ramped up and try to continue the conversation.  They want to make sure their point is heard, and therefore act as the pursuer.  Surprisingly, this communication style can also be motivated by low self-esteem.

Passive-Aggressive

Passive-aggressive communication occurs when anger has been pushed down so often that it spills out sideways.  It is often a function of the suppressed anger of the passive style boiling over.  Although the individual tries to ignore the anger as long as possible, like a beach ball that’s being held underwater, it will eventually pop back up unexpectedly, uncontrollably, and with more force than it took to push it down.

Rather than direct communication, passive-aggressive words require your spouse to be able to read between the lines and guess your thoughts and feelings.  It undermines their experience, such as when the passive-aggressive communicator denies being upset when they are bothered.  Often this style is motivated by a fear of what will happen if you communicate directly.  The hope is to find a way around direct communication and still gain control or get your needs met.

Can you tell which of these three communication styles is your go-to?  Maybe you experience more than one, or they change based on circumstances and people.  But if you find yourself stuck in these patterns, what does healthy communication look like?

Assertive

Assertive, or direct, communication is an effective way to have our feelings and needs heard and to hear the same in others without escalating into emotional volatility.  A simple formula, as described in an earlier post, is to say the following: I feel _____ because _____ and what I need is_____.

I encourage my clients to do something I call “speaking the subtext.” Often when we speak with our spouse, we imply something different from what our words are saying on the surface.  For example, when you ask, “what time are you getting home from work today?” are you wondering about a certain time, or are you implying that you’d like your spouse to come home early to help make dinner?

When being assertive, emotions don’t overwhelm and derail conversations as easily.  It is easier to set boundaries and take responsibility.  Assertive communication is motivated by a healthy view of your own value and empathy for others.

What are some steps you could take today to more toward more assertive communication?

The Key Roadblock to Effective Communication

 “At one point I couldn’t even think straight.”  “I was seeing red.”  “I felt like a deer in the headlights.”  “I wanted to run out of the room.”  “Nothing I was saying was making any sense.”  “I just couldn’t listen to him/her anymore.”

Have you ever found yourself saying these words when describing an argument you had with your spouse?  You’re not alone in experiencing this phenomenon.  If you notice adrenaline pumping through your body and you can feel your heartbeat pounding, you might be experiencing what marriage researcher John Gottman describes as “flooding.”

Imagine you’re in a water tank as you talk with your spouse.  As the argument goes on, the water is rising closer and closer to your face.  As your heart rate increases, you slowly become submerged.  At this point, you can’t hear the person speaking to you above the water, you can’t see more than a foot in front of you, and you panic as you realize you can’t breathe.

Flooding occurs when you’re in the midst of a heightened emotional situation, like an argument where the Four Horsemen are present.  Your body goes into fight-or-flight mode, with the most obvious sign being a rapidly rising heart rate.  When you’re in this state of diffuse physiological arousal, the part of your brain that runs your impulse control and decision-making capacities shuts down.  Essentially, the thinking part of your brain is overtaken by the emotional part of your brain.

Flooding interrupts your discussion as you become unable to absorb what your partner is saying and understand his or her point of view. It’s easier to say hurtful or harsh words to your spouse that you will later regret.  As you get overwhelmed with emotion, your spouse can follow suit.

Often, flooding happens when you’re triggered by something unrelated to the present-day conversation.  Perhaps your spouse mentions feeling overwhelmed by household chores.  This immediately reminds you of how angry and unstable your mother would get when she felt overwhelmed, and memories arise of feeling unsafe.

When flooding takes place, here are a few ideas of how to handle it:

Acknowledge that flooding is happening.

Identify the signs of flooding as they occur, accept that it is a normal response to tense interactions with your spouse, and acknowledge that you aren’t the best version of yourself when you’re flooded.  By taking this first step, you preempt your spouse suggesting you might be flooded, as that will likely make the situation worse.

Communicate that you’re feeling flooded or overwhelmed.

When you notice adrenaline racing through you and your thoughts spiraling out of control, pause and communicate what you need to your spouse.  Your partner can’t tell what is going on in your body or foresee your emotions, but when you communicate how you feel you invite you partner to respond differently.

Ask your partner to rephrase the statement.

Your spouse may simply be communicating with a certain tone or phrasing that triggers you.  Asking your spouse to restate the sentence allows them to slow down and think about how they are expressing their concern.  As they reframe the statement, you can sort out if you’re being triggered by what they’re saying or by the way it is being expressed.

Practice self-soothing.

Mindfulness strategies for reducing anxiety can be helpful when your body is in fight-or-flight mode.  Focusing on your breathing brings you back to the present and tells your body that you’re safe and in control.  Practice these skills on your own so that you’re prepared to use them when needed in the midst of a conflict conversation.  When you notice being flooded, you can even invite your spouse to practice with you, using an app such as Headspace.

Take a 20-minute break.

When the discussion feels too overwhelming, ask your spouse for a 20-minute break.  Do something unrelated to the conversation you’ve been having with your spouse.  While you are on this break, be sure not to rehash the conversation, how you wish you would’ve responded, or what you’ll say next. Instead distract yourself: take a walk, go for a run, read a book or magazine, listen to a playlist of your favorite music, watch a funny TV show, draw, or doodle.  This calms your body’s reaction to the trigger and allows you to re-enter the conversation from a neutral state of mind.

Take a longer break.

Sometimes 20 minutes just won’t cut it.  Returning to the conversation at a later date gives you an opportunity to cool down.  If you choose this option, set a specific time to return to the conversation and make sure you follow through. You’ll avoid resentment and bitterness that can come if the conversation goes unfinished.

Before that continuation conversation, identify what triggered you in the earlier conversation. Notice where you’ve felt that particular emotion in your life, including outside your marriage.  Be prepared to share what you discover with your spouse, as well as one thing both you and your spouse could do differently the next time you’re triggered. The goal of sharing about your trigger isn’t to create guilt in your partner, but to create intimacy in your relationship.

Tired of Destroying Your Marriage? Four Antidotes to Heal a Hurting Relationship

Have you ever had a huge fight with your spouse, but then realize you have no idea what started the argument?  Are you sick and tired of exploding into anger and insults in conversations with your partner?  Maybe you walk away from discussions with a sinking feeling that something in your marriage isn’t working. Or instead of arguing, you notice yourself or your spouse muttering passive-aggressive comments, and your mutual respect and understanding is slowly slipping away.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the four communication habits that destroy marriages, as researched by John Gottman.  Luckily, Gottman has found an antidote to each of these behaviors that can help you to reverse your downward spiral into these four destructive habits.  Let’s take a look.

Instead of criticism?  Use gentle start-up.

Remember how Gottman can watch 10 minutes of a couple’s conversation and predict with surprising accuracy if that couple will divorce?  In the first three minutes of every conflict conversation, certain indicators will predict how the rest of the conversation will go.

You’ve likely seen this in your own relationship.  If you bring up a topic with your partner that begins with an accusatory “you,” your partner immediately goes on the defensive.

Instead, state your personal feelings, reactions, and needs.  The magic formula for authentic communication is founded upon naming a personal emotion you’re experiencing, expressing what you saw or heard that led to that emotion, and naming a positive need.  By expressing yourself in this way, you allow your partner to see the effect his or her actions have on you, but you also provide a solution.

• Destructive tactic: “You never follow-through with what you say you’re going to do, I can’t count on you for anything.”

• Antidote: “I feel ignored and hurt when I ask you to help me out with a task, but it doesn’t get done. I need to know what timeline you have for completing that task. Can we create a schedule?”

Instead of contempt?  Practice fondness and appreciation.

Contempt takes criticism a step further and is born out of a place of seeing your partner as less than, or looking down on them.  One way to diagnose contempt in your relationship by asking if your partner ever feels “small” or like a child when you criticize them. 

If you notice contempt is an issue for you, seek to remember the things you love about your partner and what attracted you to them in the beginning of the relationship.  Notice their strengths and abilities, particularly in areas where you aren’t as strong.  Pay attention to their contributions to your relationship or your family. 

Valuing your spouse by building up your fondness and admiration system leads to a more solid foundation of friendship and respect in your marriage.  In general, practicing gratitude and seeking to accept your present circumstances with contentment can have a multitude of benefits for your mental and relational health.

• Destructive tactic: “Only an idiot would forget about our daughter’s soccer game.”

• Antidote: “I can see why this slipped through the cracks. You’ve been working long hours for your promotion at work. I’m thankful that you’re hard-working and dedicated to providing for our family.”

Instead of defensiveness? Try taking responsibility.

When you’re feeling criticized or your spouse is pointing out your weaknesses, it can feel self-protective to fight back and point out their not-so-great qualities.  Our natural bent is toward defensiveness, especially if we’re feeling guilt or shame about our behaviors.

In reality, none of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes from time to time, lose patience with our loved ones, or forget to do something we’re asked to do.  Before immediately reacting to your partner’s feedback and expression of needs, slow down and pay attention to what’s going on emotionally and in your body.  If you’re noticing feelings of guilt or shame, think through any weaknesses or faults you may be struggling to admit.

In some cases, your partner may have been triggered by something you did or said that you didn’t realize would affect them so strongly.  When you didn’t intend to hurt them, it can be helpful to acknowledge the trigger and what made it difficult for your partner and ask, “How can I support you better the next time something like this comes up?”

• Destructive tactic: “You would go out gambling too if your life was anywhere near as stressful as mine is.”

• Antidote: “You’re right. I should have cleared it with you first before I spent our money at the casino. How can we work together to approach this differently in the future?”

Instead of stonewalling? Practice self-soothing.

Stonewalling is usually accompanied by an experience Gottman calls “flooding,” which is a state of physiological arousal, the commonly known “fight-or-flight” response, where the brain is unable to process additional information.  Responding to flooding by calming your body’s natural response allows you to re-enter the conversation with greater presence of mind and ability to listen and respond to what is being shared.

There are a few different ways to respond to stonewalling.  Self-soothing exercises, such as mindfulness breathing exercises, are designed to help you focus on the present moment and sensations in your body.  The rhythm of deep breathing calms your sympathetic nervous system that has you in fight-or-flight mode, instead telling your body that you are safe.

Another strategy is to give yourself a break of at least 20 minutes from the conversation.  During this time, do whatever it takes to take your mind off of the argument.  Ruminating about what was said and what you wish you would have said only continues the state of flooding.  After this 20-minute break, come back together for another try at the discussion. 

• Destructive tactic: Zoning out, checking out of the conversation, or not listening.

• Antidote: “I’m feeling flooded right now, and I’m having a hard time being able to listen well because of it. Can we take a 20-minute break to cool off and then come back to finish talking?”

My hope is that, as you begin to use these antidotes, you’ll be able to experience greater connection and more productive experiences of conflict management with your partner.

Four Surefire Ways to Destroy Your Marriage

My guess is that you didn’t walk into your marriage hoping that one day you’d be signing divorce papers.  You typically don’t enter into a relationship with someone that you can’t stand, or anticipating arguing nonstop.  But it’s true that over time, couples tend to slip into unhelpful patterns of relating that create distance and conflict in their relationship.

John Gottman is a researcher on healthy marriages who claims that, by watching a couple interact with one another for 10 minutes, he can predict with over 90% accuracy whether they will divorce or remain married.  How does he achieve this kind of wizardry?

Gottman has identified different communication patterns that are consistent in relationships headed toward divorce.  When he sees these patterns, coined as the Four Horsemen, he knows this relationship is headed downhill if changes aren’t made.

Learn more about these Four Horsemen in this video:

Let's look in more depth at each type of communication he lists as a risk factor.

Criticism

Criticism is the first of what I would call the “offensive strategies.”  Instead of directly communicating a concern or complaint, criticism takes the form of a negative remark about your partner’s behavior that implies a flaw in their character.  These statements start with an accusation, indicated by the word “you”.  Criticism is usually the first Horsemen that pops up in a marriage.  If it is left unchecked, the feelings of harm or pain caused by the critical communication style will likely lead the other Horsemen to develop.

Example: “You’re so inconsiderate.  You always wait until the last minute to take out the trash.  If you actually cared about how stressed I am, you’d do it sooner.”

Contempt

As the second offensive strategy, contempt twists criticism into a more destructive pattern.  Contempt is criticism coming from a place of superiority or judgment.  It attacks your spouse's character in a pointed and sarcastic manner.  It usually involves behaviors like name-calling, cynicism, and mocking your partner.  If you've ever rolled your eyes and scoffed at your partner's choices, you likely know what contempt feels like.  Gottman identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of divorce.

Example: “You’re so stupid and lazy.  Don’t complain to me about having to take out the trash, like it’s so hard.  You’re such an idiot.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness, as can be expected from its name, is the first of the “defensive strategies.”  It involves making excuses to explain yourself against a perceived attack from your spouse.  Usually you notice a feeling of self-righteousness in response to criticism, or a desire to see yourself as the victim.  Defensiveness often comes after an insult to your pride and is an attempt to short-circuit taking responsibility.  Often, it turns the tables and places the blame back on your partner.

Example: “You think I’m inconsiderate for not taking out the trash?  Why would I try to be considerate when you leave the dirty dishes in the sink all day and can’t be bothered to clean them?”

Stonewalling

This defensive strategy is a bit like an invisible killer.  It’s the most difficult of the Four Horsemen to notice because it is quiet and contained.  Stonewalling is characterized by checking out mentally or emotionally, withdrawing from the conversation, not responding to requests or communication, or simply walking away.  I imagine it like a garage door closing over your attention: nothing is allowed in, and nothing can slip out.  When stonewalling, you can feel flooded, with adrenaline coursing through you a rush.  You can feel like your blood is boiling and your mind is racing, and you can't process any more information from your spouse.  You might stonewall in order to avoid lashing out in anger, having seen negative effects of those outbursts before.

Example: "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

At this point, you may see yourself in one (or many!) of these styles of communication.  But don't lose hope!  Recognizing these destructive relationship patterns is the first step toward change.  In a few weeks, we’ll talk through ways you can change your pattern of communication into a healthier and more honoring discussion with your spouse. (Hint – the video above previews some of these antidotes!)

In the meantime, pay attention to conversations with your spouse, coworkers, or friends.  While it may be easier to point out how everyone around you is using the Four Horsemen, I encourage you to notice which of these styles of communication are your default response when you’re disagreeing with someone.

Four Tips to Stop Arguments Before They Start: Travel Edition

Summer vacation season is here!.  Maybe you have a road trip, cruise, or flight to an exotic locale planned.  Vacations involve a break in the routine, high stress of deadlines and flight times, and all that extended time spent with our loved ones: a perfect recipe to set us on edge.  It can be easy to use harsh words to those around us, feel anger or frustration at not being heard, or end the trip wishing we hadn't come.

I know this from personal experience: when you’re in the middle of a fight on a vacation, it's difficult to snap back into a relaxed, vacation-ready mood.  What are the things we can do that will help us to snap back into that mindset?

Preparing for a trip in a way that prevents arguments before they even start can help you avoid these travel-related spats with your loved ones.

John Gottman, an expert on healthy couples, suggests that we can learn from past arguments in order to prevent those same fights from happening in the future.  Gottman focuses on the way we argue: how our tone of voice, personal triggers, and ways of responding when feeling threatened can take over.

Instead of finding yourself in reactionary mode during your entire vacation, take a few ideas from the list below before you leave for your trip to practice a more preventative approach.

Reflect on arguments you’ve had on vacation before and look for any trigger events.

How many times have you thought back on an argument and forgotten what started it?  It could’ve been about something as trivial as which fast food restaurant to stop at for lunch or which route to take.  But before you know it, it’s blown up into a huge dispute that highlights your insecurities or fires up anger in you.

Your strong emotional reaction in these situations may be linked to something deeper than the relatively minor event that started the fight.  It serves as a red flag of a trigger: an event that reminds you of something from your past or present to which you are particularly sensitive.  It could be that your spouse raising her voice reminds you of when your father used to yell at you and your siblings on family camping trips.  This memory can lead to feelings of fear or anger.  Perhaps your friend’s sharp words about your driving remind you of your own insecurities around your skill as a driver.  This trigger could be driven by shame or self-protection.

What are some common triggers for you?  Take some time to reflect back on past arguments you’ve had on vacations and how you felt in the midst of them.  When did something similar happen on a past vacation with family or friends?  Did you notice any shame or insecurity coming up that you felt you had to defend?  What stories in your life explain why you might be sensitive to certain issues?

Have a conversation with your travel partner about past arguments you’ve had on trips. 

Once you’ve explored your triggers in travel situations, you can more clearly communicate them to others.   Before you leave for the trip you’re going on, answer these prompts based on Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight intervention with your travel buddy.

1. “When we argued last trip, I felt…” – List the emotions you felt.

2. “In my experience, what happened was…” – Imagine you’re watching a movie of the event from your point of view. What happened?

3. “This was particularly hard for me because of…” – Explain the trigger: the past event or the experience of shame that led to your response and why you were particularly sensitive to it.

4. “The part I played in this was…” – Name something you can take responsibility for: maybe you responded with anger and defensiveness, or you shut down emotionally.

5. “Next time, what I can do….and what I need is…” – Identify a change you’d like to make the next time you disagree, as well as a change you’d like to ask of your partner.

While practicing this exercise, use the authentic communication formula and responses in order for both of you to feel heard and understood.  Remember – the goal isn’t to get back into arguing: it’s to understand what can set each of you off so you can know to avoid those trigger points on future trips.

Have an open conversation about expectations for the trip and come to a compromise.

We each bring our personal expectations into vacations.  For example, a husband might see the trip as a way to relax and check out of his daily life.  But his wife might look at it as an adventure and pack in as much fun and activity as she can.  Imagine this couple vacationing without having discussed their expectations first, and you can guess what might happen.

To fend off this potential disaster, talk with your loved ones about your hopes or expectations for this vacation.  Be open to compromise.  For the couple above, they could plan two day-long excursions in their vacation locale throughout the week, while reserving one day for relaxing on the beach.  You may not have the ideal vacation you had desired, but you can create a plan that cuts back on conflict and caters to everyone's ideas of fun.

Accept the fact that you will fight – and make a plan to recover and bring yourself back to fun!

Even if you understand what triggers your travel buddy and you do all the prevention you can, in reality you may still fight while you are on the trip.  Travel is high stress – there’s no getting around it. 

Instead of being surprised by fights, make a plan now for how to recover from those arguments.  You can use the above conversation prompts on the trip if needed, but it can also be helpful to remind yourself of the ways you have fun together.  Make a joke with your spouse.   Play a game with your friends in the car or on your iPhones (a friend and I tried the Heads Up! App on a trip and it was a game-changer for waiting in lines).  Create a music playlist with your family and have 30-second dance parties.

What can you plan to start now to prevent arguments on your vacations this summer?

Empathy in the Face of Vulnerability: Responding to Authentic Communication

Last week on the blog, we talked about a formula on how to communicate authentically about your feelings with people in your life: “I feel _________ about/because of ____________, and what I need is __________.”  In light of that, it seems fitting this week to take a look at how to respond when you’re on the receiving end of this style of communication.  How do you respond when someone expresses difficult thoughts or feelings to you?

For most of us, it is unusual for someone to communicate emotions directly and in an assertive way like this.  We can feel insecure or uncertain of how to respond.  We want to be empathetic, but sometimes we worry that our words will be trite or dismissing.  Or maybe we’re uncomfortable with the fact that they shared this information with us in the first place, and managing that discomfort takes all of our attention.

We tend toward a few possible ways to respond when someone approaches us to share their emotions.  In general, we can be uncomfortable around negative or painful emotions.  We might avoid painful emotions in our own lives, so seeing or hearing someone express an emotion vulnerably might lead us to put pressure on ourselves to put a positive spin on it.  Or we can become defensive, particularly if the emotions being expressed are in response to something we’ve done.  Perhaps the person’s vulnerability in sharing feelings or needs from us require us to apologize or identify changes we need to make in our own lives.

What holds you back from responding with empathy?

Ultimately, expressing emotions and responding with empathy to others is vulnerable, in that we have to connect with uncomfortable or painful emotions inside ourselves in order to understand them in others.

In order for us to truly empathize with someone else, we have to step into their shoes and look at the world through their perspective.  We may not fully understand, as we may not have had the same experience in our story.  But as they share emotions of anger, sadness, fear, or hurt, we can look at ways we’ve felt those same emotions before to get a picture of what they’re going through.

Brené Brown, a well-known researcher on shame and empathy, briefly explains the difference between empathy and sympathy here:

I love how she underlines the idea of “silver-lining” someone’s pain – looking for the “at least” or the message.  In Christian circles, we can sometimes jump too quickly to platitudes like “God works all things together for good.”  While that does hold truth, it can silence any emotion or pain the individual is experiencing.  True empathy creates space for emotions to be felt.

How have you tried to “silver lining” someone’s pain?

In relationships, John Gottman talks about the importance of validating one another’s perspective in order to create intimacy.  Couples in conflict tend to get stuck in push and pull arguments that become battles to win or lose.  Slowing down and engaging in this practice of empathy rather than seeking to make your partner feel better or stop feeling the negative emotion creates intimacy in your relationships.

Take time to validate your partner.  Validation involves responding to another’s expression of feelings and experiences in a way that communicates you understand or you can see from their perspective.  In so doing, you don’t necessarily have to agree with them.  For example, your partner might interpret you forgetting to take out the trash as disrespecting him or her.  Even if that wasn’t your intention, you can still respond by expressing that you understand that feeling and how it might have affected them.  This diffuses the tension, as your partner will likely feel more heard and understood.

Here’s some examples of validating responses:

• I can see why you felt this way.

• I understand how my actions communicated that.

• It makes sense to me why you responded that way, knowing what you were thinking and feeling.

There is no perfect response here: you can’t say any magic words that will instantly fix any problems you have in your relationships.  But the more you are able to validate and empathize with the experiences of others, the more likely you are to build strong relationships where your loved ones feel safe sharing difficult emotions and experiences with you.

“Rarely can a response make something better.  What makes something better is connection.” – Brené Brown