Being Instead of Doing: How to Accept Grace and Release the Pressure to Accomplish More

What comes to mind when you hear the phrase, “being instead of doing”?

We live in a culture and a country that prizes achievement and success, which we attribute to working hard.  The “American dream” promises that hard work and sacrifice will bring you happiness and fulfillment.  I think about all the books and blogs out there about productivity and getting things done.  We are encouraged to “hustle.”  We wear 50 to 60-hour work-weeks as badges of pride.  “Doing,” and always “doing more,” is glorified. When something is broken, we want to find a solution, fix it, and make it better.

“Doing” can also look like filling our time to escape from painful emotions or experiences. You can numb out by watching TV, eating, shopping, or any other type of behavior that takes your mind off your present reality, but those behaviors often still leave you feeling drained.  You may not be achieving goals, but you’re still not allowing yourself to “be.”

I am someone who struggles with the idea of resting or waiting.  I feel much more secure and in control when I do something productive.

What are some ways you tend to get caught up in this attitude of “doing”?

As a therapist in private practice, I feel this pressure to “hustle,” both for the sake of my business and for the best care for my clients.  This drive to achieve can be a good thing in small doses – until I push it beyond what I can handle.  It can warp into pressure to work hard that can either paralyze me or drive me into the ground.  It can lead to perfectionism, overwork, and ultimately to burnout.

Like most behaviors we come back to in our lives, keeping busy with work serves us somehow.  We wouldn’t do it if there weren’t some benefit.  Maybe it’s the pride of accomplishment, the sense of control and order it gives us, or the approval of others.  Or maybe you’re constantly doing something because you’re running or avoiding.

How might you fill in this blank: “If I constantly keep myself busy, I won’t have time to stop and think about _________”?  You can run away from your own awareness of your weakness and neediness by chasing achievement and accolades.  You can run away from your loneliness or desires by working for the approval of others.  You can even run away from the responsibility that comes with success by filling your time with purposeless activity.

What might you be running from when you’re “doing”?

As I sit, listen, and “be” with my clients, what I notice is I am much more alive and authentic than I would be if I were trying to fix them.  I often find that my clients can perceive this attitude, and they are more willing to be genuine themselves. This idea applies with relationships in your life as well.  As you sit and empathize with friends or family, being present with them instead of thinking of what you’ll say next or what advice you’ll give them, you are bringing more of your true self and presence to the conversation.  This can extend to work too: how many times have you puzzled over the solution to a problem for hours, and the answer comes to you when you’re not thinking about it?

As a therapist, I can feel pressure to be perfect or “enough” for my clients.  To say exactly the right words, or to offer the perfect response.  I can feel the pressure to have all the right training and education, to get the PhD, or to know all the answers.  There is freedom in realizing that I will never be perfect.  On my own strength, I will never be enough for my clients or for the people around me.  And when I give up trying to be perfect and instead offer myself as a fellow traveler and support to clients or to other relationships in my life, I’m much more genuine and authentic to my true identity.

How would it change your relationships if you could be more authentic with the people you love?

We have to make an intentional choice to “be” instead of “do.”  Personally, I had to make this choice while writing this post.  My original intention was to stay up late and get it done so that I’d have it completed by my deadline.  But in order to do that, I’d be missing needed sleep and down time.  Instead, I chose to spend the evening resting and wrote the post the next day, even thought that meant it would be posted later than I intended.

How can you start to make this intentional choice in your life?  Practice mindfulness.  Rest.  Play.  Take a nap.  Read a book.  Take a leisurely walk.  Pray.  Sleep in.  Give yourself permission to take a break, to simply “be.”

What does it look like in your life to “be” instead of “do”?  How can you embody this in your life this week? 

This article was originally posted on May 12, 2017.

Self-Care Saturdays: Keep it Simple

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

Simplicity has become an increasingly popular concept in our culture.  In a time when technology is advancing faster than we can keep up, multitasking is the norm, and we’re constantly accessible through our phones and emails, we can feel overwhelmed by complexity in our lives.  De-cluttering and minimalism are trends made popular by Marie Kondo and other organization gurus.  We find ourselves reminiscing about “the good old days” where life was just a little bit slower and a whole lot simpler.

This summer I read a childhood favorite book series of mine: Little House on the Prairie.  As I read, I thought about pioneers and felt a longing in my heart to live in the simplicity of that generation.  When I'm overwhelmed by stress and complexity in my life, it is easy to forget how technological advances have made our lives simpler and more automated.  I find a need to balance using technology to create more simplicity in my life without letting it rule over me.

It can feel near impossible to create simplicity in your life.  You may be in a season where simplicity is unrealistic because of the demands of family or career.  Often, as we grow older and gain more responsibilities, simplicity seems like a pipe dream.  We need to begin to create simplicity by eliminating the extras that add unnecessary overwhelm to our lives so that that we can focus on the areas that bring us life and that fit alongside our values.

How can you create more simplicity in your life?

Breathe.

Stop for a moment and notice your breath.  When was the last time you physically felt the breath in your body as you inhale and exhale?  This process is unconscious: we can go for days without actually noticing our breath.  Slow down today and remind yourself to breathe.  Practice mindfulness exercises or meditation throughout your day.  Use a meditation app like Headspace to do a daily meditation or to meditate at various points throughout the day.

Take a Sabbath each week.

I’m a recovering perfectionist.  I have a tendency to overfill my schedule to the point of overwhelm and sometimes even burnout.  When I see this happening in my life, I know that I need to prioritize a day off for myself.  A Sabbath is my go-to way both to recharge myself and to spend time reconnecting in my relationship with God.  Spend one day a week intentionally doing things that refresh you and help you to go back into your work recharged.

Allow yourself to feel bored.

With the easy accessibility of iPhones and media, we are constantly within reach of being entertained.  Because of this, we have become intolerant of boredom.  When we feel bored, we can always find a way to keep our minds occupied and our thoughts entertained.  When you notice yourself becoming bored, allow yourself to sit in that emotion instead of immediately seeking a way to be entertained.  If you’re standing in line, choose not to check your phone.  If you’re waiting for an appointment, choose to sit and wait rather than finding a way to distract yourself.

Get rid of clutter and unnecessary items in your home.

It can be easy to accumulate massive amounts of material things over the years.  Sometimes we don’t even know how we got it, but our home is suddenly full of "stuff".  Often we don’t need or even really want some of these items, but the effort it takes to get rid of them can feel like too much.  Spend a day going through your closet or drawers and clear out anything you don’t love.  As Marie Kondo suggests in her book, save the items that bring you joy and trash or donate all the remaining items.

Say “no” more often.

Simplicity in our schedules is near impossible when we have overcommitted ourselves.  It can be easy to say yes to everything we are asked, especially if we’re people pleasers.  In her book The Best Yes, Lysa Terkeurst talks about learning to say no more often so that we can give our best yes to the commitments that align with our values, bring us life, and fit within our gifting.  Save your yes for those moments, and begin to practice the tough work of saying no.

Uni-task.

Multitasking wears on our brain as we’re trying to focus our limited attention on several different items at once.  Our brains become overloaded by this multiple focus, so we tend to do each task to a lesser quality than we would otherwise.  Choose to focus on one task at a time and spend your energy in that one direction of focus before moving on to the next.

How will you choose to press into simplicity this week?