A Real Couple Talks Sex and Love Addiction with a Marriage Therapist

For couples seeking to heal from sex and love addiction, the process can be exhausting and difficult.  Addicts need to process their own pain, handle their spouse’s trauma, and have patience in the trust-rebuilding process.  Partners of addicts must address the pain of betrayal, decide whether or not to stay in the relationship, and deal with the consequences of whichever decision they make.

A recent podcast I’ve been listening to is Where Should We Begin?, a series of one-time couples sessions with renowned couples therapist Esther Perel.  Imagine my delight when I came across a session with a couple dealing with sex and love addiction.  I immediately thought about how helpful this conversation would be for my couples.

A few disclaimers before I encourage you to listen.  Esther is not a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.  Early in the podcast, she claims that there is little research support for sex addiction as an addiction similar to drug or alcohol addiction.  In fact, there is indeed a growing body of research indicating that brain changes occur in sex and love addicts similar to those of substance addicts.

Also, this podcast addresses the issues of this particular couple.  As a couple with your own unique story, you may have different struggles in communication or needs for healing.  For example, this particular couple was recommended to include more touch in their interactions, but that may not be appropriate for you if touch makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.  Don’t take the advice she gives in this podcast as a “must do” for you in your relationship, but instead seek to apply the general principles to your own relationship.

Finally, this podcast contains strong language and mature themes.

Contains mature themes] They're grandparents, with a 40-year love story and a stable, happy marriage. But one of them had quite a few secrets. Esther gives them some tools to navigate and support each other's experiences.

Here are a few thoughts I have for both the addict and the partner.

For the Addict

You need to seek healing for the pain your addiction allows you to avoid.

A pivotal moment in the recording is when the husband admits he feels sad all the time, which the therapist points out as an emotion from childhood.  Taking away the addiction, which provided a way out from feeling pain of past abuse or current circumstance, meant he would feel the pain more deeply.  As an addict, you need to understand what you did was hurtful, and that it was done in an attempt to find healing from the past.

There is a delicate balance between taking responsibility and being consumed by shame.

Addiction is a shame-based disorder.  As a result, the addict’s typical default mode is one of shame and self-blame.  The abuse this addict experienced in his past taught him that he deserves to be punished or harmed because he is bad.  These shaming beliefs make it particularly difficult to feel appropriate guilt and take responsibility because of the pain they create.

It's time to integrate the good and the bad.

One of my favorite phrases with my clients is to remind them that there’s always an “and.”  There are two sides to every situation, both the light and the dark, the good and the bad.  Those coexist, and don’t need to be divorced from one another.  When the addiction was going strong, the “good” and “bad” selves were kept very separate.  Now you are tasked with integrating these two sides together into an understanding of the self that is realistic and kind.

Your spouse needs to have his or her pain acknowledged and understood, rather than hearing “I’m sorry” all the time.

Self-absorption is the name of the game with the addict.  In order to engage in the addictive behaviors without regret, the addict has to cut off empathy or compassion for their spouse.  In this case, the husband was still focusing inward as he explored his abuse and hadn’t adequately connected with the wife’s pain.  As you seek to rebuild trust in your marriage, you need to step out of your own pain and acknowledge the hurt of your spouse.  Your spouse needs to know you understand how hard it was for them before you can move forward.

For the Partner

It’s normal to be blindsided by the disclosure of addiction.

In the podcast, the wife makes comments like, “I thought I had the perfect marriage” and “I never knew anything was wrong.”  Addicts become adept at hiding their compulsive behaviors and putting on a mask.  If this happened to you, you are not alone.

Because of increasing acceptance of divorce, it is becoming more of a stigma to stay in the relationship and make it work.

Friends, family, even clinical professionals might encourage you to leave the relationship after a spouse’s revelation of sexual addiction.  They might not understand why you’ve chosen to stay if you are able to separate or divorce.  The lack of understanding can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.  While the addict is getting support from therapy or 12 Step groups, the partner also needs significant support.

It is difficult to separate the person from the behavior, but it is important to see them as separate.

Because of the significant betrayal, the perceived narrative about the relationship has been shattered.  The partner begins to distrust her own perceptions not only about the addiction, but also about any positive or good moments in the relationship.  It is important to, as much as possible, see the addict’s behaviors and his identity as separate entities.  The addict’s actions speak to his destructive, addictive behavior, but that does not invalidate the good in him or her.  Similar to what I mentioned earlier for the addict, keep in mind the important of the “and” – good AND bad likely coexist in your spouse.

The addict can’t promise they’ll never act out again.

This is a frightening concept for many couples as they face recovery.  The pain of the discovery leads partners to threaten divorce if the spouse ever acts out again.  But in the course of addiction, there’s a chance of slips or full-on relapses.  The couple has to make a choice that they’ll face the risk together.  As a partner, rebuilt trust doesn’t come from empty promises, but instead from assurance in your spouse’s recovery work and process of setting boundaries.

It is incredibly important to name your needs.

As your spouse seeks rebuild trust in whatever ways they can, they cannot accurately predict what helps you to feel safe and secure in the relationship.  It is a marriage myth that once you are married, you should know everything your partner needs.  Examine why you might be reluctant to share your needs as you look at parts of your story where it wasn’t okay for you to ask for what you needed.  Know that in asking for your needs, you will likely feel vulnerable – this is normal.  Seek to risk in trusting your partner with what you need. 

There is hope to turn this tragedy into a triumph.

The Effect of Sex and Love Addiction on Your Brain and Body (And How to Change It!)

Those who debate against the existence of sex and love addiction use the claim that because there is no substance taken in, there is no clear physiological basis for addiction.  But interestingly enough, research on brain scans of self-identified sex and love addicts show similar damage to those of cocaine addicts.

Our brains change over time based on what they are exposed to and what self-rewarding patterns they form.  In order to understand sex and love addiction more fully, it is important to know more about what particular neurochemicals are at play.

Dopamine

Have you ever gotten the rush of joy when you hear your favorite song on the radio?  How about when you eat a delicious meal?  The chemical that creates that reaction in your brain is dopamine.  Dopamine is the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, causing a rush of good feelings when you do something exciting or rewarding. This rush can be intoxicating, leading to a desire to continue whatever activities caused it.

Sex is one of the greatest generators of dopamine, giving a boost of euphoria.  Dopamine increases the sex drive, is released during orgasm, and activates the brain’s pleasure centers. During sexual activity, dopamine floods the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain involved in impulse control and decision-making. When the dopamine system is active, pain and displeasure are numbed.

According to Stefanie Carnes, dopamine plays a role in the escalation of addiction. As the addict engages in more risky sexual behavior, tolerance for dopamine begins to grow.  It takes more risky behavior to continue feeling the same effects.  This flood of dopamine can impair judgment, particularly in young adults under the age of 25, whose prefrontal cortex is not fully developed.

Chronic exposure to compulsive sexual activities can reduce natural levels of dopamine, and non-sexual ways of receiving dopamine become less effective. At the same time, the addict gets a more intense “high” from their behaviors because his or her brains is highly sensitized to the neurotransmitter.  The more often the addict turns to compulsive sexual behaviors, the more that pattern of getting dopamine gets engraved into the neural connections in their brain.

Oxytocin and Vasopressin

The hormone oxytocin works as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  It is produced by skin-to-skin physical contact, which means it abounds during sexual activity. It is also present in the early stages of relationships and falling in love.  It promotes bonding in relationships and feelings of associated with long-term commitment.  It can increase empathy and provides an antidote to depressive feelings.

With all the benefits of oxytocin, no wonder it is a powerful stress reliever and can add to the addictive pull.  When compulsive sexual behaviors happen, this rise in levels of oxytocin can cause the sex and love addict to continually seek out that rush of closeness felt in the early stages of a relationship.  As a new physical relationship starts, oxytocin leads to forgetfulness of previous bonding experiences.

Vasopressin is a neurochemical similar to oxytocin released in order to create greater experiences of bonding in romantic relationships.  This fosters protectiveness and pair bonding.

Delta Fos-B

When the rush of dopamine and oxytocin hits, the brain begins to change.  Researchers have noticed greater sensitivity in the addict to triggers and cravings, which intensifies the response to the addictive substance. The reason for his may be ∆ Fos-B, a protein that accumulates after compulsive use of sexual behaviors. This protein accumulates each time the addictive behavior is practiced, and it can cause changes to the dopamine system.  The buildup of this protein affects lack of enjoyment of the addictive sexual activities, as well as cravings that linger even after years after maintaining sobriety.

How Do I Change my Brain?

Fortunately, the same neuroplasticity that caused the brain to adapt to the changes brought about by an addict’s behavior contradicts the idea that once an individual becomes an addict, he or she is always an addict.  In the same way that neuronal connections were made in the first place, those same neuronal connections can be changed as you begin to practice new behaviors and stop using the old patterns.  There is hope for those who are willing to work to change their compulsive behaviors and obsessive thoughts.

The first step involves identifying non-addictive sources of dopamine or oxytocin.  As Paula Hall discusses in her video about sex addiction recovery, you can think of your brain like a map, where the road to addictive behaviors is deeply carved into the landscape.  You need to begin looking to take other roads to receive the emotional boost that dopamine brings, like practicing self-care or engaging in hobbies you enjoy.  Oxytocin comes from physical touch, so increasing amounts of physical touch in your life through your spouse, children, family, or friends may be a helpful way to receive that oxytocin.

Step Four: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

In Step Four, it’s easy to hit another roadblock in recovery work.  This is the biggest overhaul of your present-day life since Step One, requiring a significant amount of work and humility to fully engage the question: what are my areas of deepest moral weakness?  What are my character defects that I’ve been trying for years to keep secret from everyone, including myself?

While this inventory is certainly a difficult component of your recovery, it is incredibly important on the road to facing reality.  You must break through any last vestiges of denial, hold up the mirror to yourself and get to know who you really are, flaws and all.  Step Four looks not only at the external behaviors listed in Step One, but also at the internal thoughts, emotions, motivations, and beliefs that drive the addictive behavior.

This is an intense and painful process as you grieve the pain of the life you’ve lived.  Be sure to have support from your sponsor and 12 Step group during this step.  By looking at the truth of who you are, you can then begin to open the door for grace, forgiveness and acceptance.  Rather than continuing the pattern of self-hatred and shame that drives you back into addiction and self-destruction, you must accept the grace and forgiveness that God is already offering you.  You need to uncover the truth from beneath the blanket of lies you’ve cast over it.

What is a searching and fearless moral inventory?

The Green Book of Sex Addicts Anonymous* defines it as “a systematic examination of all the beliefs, feelings, attitudes, and actions that have shaped our lives from our earliest years.”  This process allows you to re-evaluate areas of your life to see how you’ve been basing your decisions on distorted beliefs, intense negative emotions, and past traumatic experiences.

It also calls you to pay attention to aspects of your character that have harmed yourself or others.  These character defects are common to every human, but this step gives you the opportunity to take an honest look at them and begin to change.

How do I work this step?

Create an appointment date and time with your sponsor to share your inventory.

Before you get started, connect with your sponsor or another trusted individual with whom you will share the information once you’ve completed this step.  This appointment will help create accountability to complete the step and provide a place for discussing the intense emotions that come up as you write.  Your sponsor can also ask you thought-provoking questions that will help you if you get stuck.

Write it out.

Just as if you were writing out an inventory of products in a store, it is most effective to have a written document of your moral inventory.  Schedule time set aside to write it.  It is often best to complete the Fourth Step in several sittings, rather than trying to get it all out at once.  Tackling the entire step in one sitting will be overwhelming.  Also, coming back to review your inventory after a break may help you notice patterns or behaviors that you didn’t see before.

Focus on categories of emotion or behavior.

In The Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps*, Patrick Carnes delineates several areas of focus for a moral inventory.  Take some time to look both at the good side and the bad side of each of the following areas:

• Personal responsibility – Where did I choose not to take responsibility for what I should have?

• Anger – How did my anger drive my behaviors?

• Fear – Where in my life have I been motivated out of fear?

• Self-sabotage vs. taking risks – Where did I set myself up for failure? Where was I too afraid to take a risk?

• Shame vs. pride – What are the moments where I felt the most shame? What moments do I feel proud of?

• Losses and grief – What are the major losses I’ve faced over my lifetime? What have I learned from those losses?

• Unworthiness and self hatred vs. self-affirmations – What are the words I use to beat myself up? What are the positive words I tell myself?

• Dishonesty toward self or others – Where have I lied outright or failed to express the whole truth? Where have I started believing the lies?

Complete a sexual history.

Within sexual addiction, your behaviors developed out of an awareness of your own sexuality and interactions around sex.  Taking a sexual history can help you to understand why you chose these certain paths of acting out.  Also, traumatic experiences of abuse or harm can transform into our abuse or harm of others through addictive behaviors.  Take stock of where you may have harmed others in the course of your addiction.

Connect with painful emotions.

Emotions are more likely to come to the surface in this step as you begin to dig deeper into your story.  Feelings like fear, anger, sadness, joy, envy, loneliness, and shame will be present.  As you connect with these emotions, pay attention to how you’ve responded to them in the past.  Have they triggered addictive behaviors?  Have they ruled your life and controlled your decisions?

Seek to understand your motivations.

Due to the distorted thought patterns associated with addiction, it can be easy to miss how often you behave in a way to feed your addiction without knowing it.  Even altruistic or positive behaviors that have a motivation toward feeding your addiction can be destructive.  Take a close look at how you exploited people, situations, behaviors, or environments to satisfy your addictive needs, even if you weren’t aware of that motivation at the time.

Pay attention to the resentment, victim mentality, and entitlement in your addictive behaviors.

Resentment is a significant emotion that fuels addictive behaviors.  Resentment relates to feeling victimized, which leads to entitlement to act out in your addiction to make up for the perceived wrong.  Write honestly in your inventory about how you blame people, institutions, your environment, or other factors for your addictive behaviors.  Then address each item and see where you played a role in each of those areas of resentment.  Often you can find some behavior or response within yourself that may contribute to the pain you’ve experienced.

Honor the bad and the good in your moral inventory.

Many of the ways in which you’ve learned to cope with life have served you in some way or another – you wouldn’t do them if they didn’t work.  Therefore, they have a flip side that is positive.  For example, maybe you learned to read the emotions of your mother to avoid verbal abuse, which has led to avoidance of conflict with your spouse when you see anger arising in them.  However, this past wound has likely also led you to become more intuitive and aware of the emotions of others throughout your life, which is a gift.

When you honor the good alongside the bad, this creates space for self-compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.  Take time to practice gratitude for the good in your life rather than the addiction’s tendency to only see the bad.

Pay attention to new intuitions you’ve had since beginning recovery.

As you begin to hear others’ stories and absorb the literature of your 12 Step program, you’ve likely come across some concepts or stories that have struck a chord in you.  You may begin to become uncomfortable about behaviors or habits you’ve had your entire life.  What are you beginning to name as unhealthy or problematic in your behaviors?  What have you heard in others’ stories that has led you to believe that your thoughts and behaviors might be hindering you instead of helping you?  What has your sponsor cautioned you against doing?

Connect your story with unmet needs from childhood.

Often you adopt a certain style of living or addiction because it feeds something within you that wasn’t met in your childhood or where you received harm or trauma.  As you reflect on your moral inventory, connect with the child within to see what needs were being met by the addictive behaviors that weren’t met when you were younger.  This may be a good process to walk through with a professional counselor trained in trauma treatment, as these memories likely contain pain and shame.  It can be helpful here to identify your go-to fantasy or ideal partner and identify what needs or desires are being met by that fantasy.

Remember that you can (and will need to) return to this inventory to alter or add more to it.

Your inventory is not a complete document the first time you finish it.  As you continue to work your recovery, you will continue to discover more about yourself that you will need to edit and change later.  Don’t put pressure on yourself to figure everything out on the first try.  Continue to return to this document regularly throughout the course of your recovery work and be willing to alter it as needed.

Step Three: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

In working through the steps, you’ve come to understand and accept the powerlessness and unmanageability inherent to your addictive behavior, and you’ve realized that relying on your Higher Power (referred to as God) is the foundation of your hope for experiencing healing.

Step Three builds on the work we did in Step Two.  It is subtly different, however, moving from affirming God’s trustworthiness into acting upon that belief.  Steps Two and Three go hand in hand, as you need to have a foundational belief of God’s goodness fostered through spiritual practices in order to choose to submit to God’s will and receive His care.

If you have a background where God has been depicted as a shaming, punishing overseer, it can feel incredibly difficult to submit your life to Him.  If this is part of your story, seek to connect with those aspects of God that contrast with the hurt you’ve experienced.  Affirm those aspects of God as you work this step.

Here are a few things Step Three does not mean.  Turning control over to God doesn’t mean seeing God as a taskmaster who will make you feel guilty and force you to do things you don’t want.  You have free choice, and you can choose to invite God in to help you make choices that are best for you and are in alignment with His love and care.  It doesn’t mean that you have to have a perfect understanding of God.

What does it mean to make this decision?

It means we actively seek out living in a way that honors the desires we have for our lives (our will) through our daily actions, thoughts, and words (our lives), submitting in trust to the wisdom of God.  As Philippians 2:13 says, “for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”  Step Three involves learning to care for and nurture yourself in the ways that God longs to offer.  It’s an every day choice to continually decide to turn control over to God.

Working Step Three

Ask for help.

Your ability to trust others reflects on your ability to trust God.  You’ve likely already surpassed the first hurdle of trust by involving a sponsor or other 12 Step group members into your recovery.  You may also involve a spiritual guide in this process.  This could be your sponsor, or it could also be a spiritual director or church leader.  Continue the daily spiritual habits you began in Step Two under the guidance of this spiritual leader.

List faulty beliefs you had about your need to remain independent or do it all on your own.

Your beliefs about your addictive behaviors or about your definition of sobriety have likely been questioned in recovery.  You may have heard others sharing about their deluded thought patterns, and you were shocked to find that you had similar thoughts.  Maybe you thought, “I just need to try harder and then I’ll stay sober,” or “I don’t need any help.”  Name these distorted thoughts and surrender them to God to release their control over your life.

Act “as if.”

Often those faulty beliefs that echoed throughout your mind when you were acting out led you to respond to your addictive behaviors with strategies that didn’t work: minimizing and denial of how bad the addiction was, or “white-knuckling” and forcing yourself not to act out.  Likely these patterns have not worked to end the addiction, but you find yourself returning to them because you don’t know what else to do.

Loosen your grip on these failed strategies.  Instead, act “as if” you believed God was in control of your recovery.  Ask yourself: what would your life look like if you trusted God and believed that it wasn’t all on your shoulders to overcome your addictive behavior?  What would change?  What wouldn’t you be afraid to do anymore?  What would look significantly different than it does right now?  Take steps to begin living that way.

Choose to grieve.

As you try to achieve sobriety on your own, you often experience loss.  You may have lost time, money, relationships, mental health, physical health, or any number of other losses.  Letting go of the addiction itself is another loss: it is as if you are giving up an old friend that helped you to cope or escape from painful life experiences.  While trusting God does involve experiencing greater peace and freedom, that doesn’t mean that your journey will automatically become pain-free – in fact, the opposite is often true.

Write a list of the areas where you’ve experienced loss.  Read it to your sponsor or your spiritual guide.  Talk about what it means to have suffered and experienced pain in your addiction, and what it will feel like to give it up. See your suffering and difficulty in light of your new knowledge that God is experiencing that suffering alongside you.

Engage in greater self-care.

You may view God as punishing, or you may have been deprived of adequate nurture by authority figures in your childhood.  It is important for you to take steps to receive the nurture that God longs to give you.  Prioritize time for self-care activities.  Take on a childlike posture and engage in more time for play.   Seek to have a beginner’s mind in all areas, humbly learning and growing.  Take a walk in nature and pray.  Take quality care of your body and physical health.

Write a prayer in a letter to God expressing what it means to turn your will and life over to Him.

What does it mean to you personally to turn your will over to God?  Your life over to God?  Even if you aren’t ready to turn over 100% of control to God, sit down and write out a letter to Him expressing your desire to do so.  Tell Him the roadblocks that are holding you back from fully committing to surrender all of your will and life.  Read this letter to your spiritual guide or sponsor to receive encouragement and support.

Engage in a regular practice of prayer.

Pray daily in the morning right when you wake up for God to help you achieve another 24 hours of sobriety.  Pray in the evening each day expressing gratitude to God for His assistance to get through the last 24 hours.  Invite God in to decisions in your life through prayer and asking for His guidance.  Pray the Serenity Prayer, which encompasses the learnings from Steps One through Three: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Seek insight from God and others.

You’ve been in a place of growth through your involvement in 12 Step, learning more about your addictive behaviors and admitting your pride by breaking through denial.  Insights occur throughout the course of recovery, and you become more open to them as you continue to create distance from the addictive behaviors.  The energy you used to spend on your addiction is now free to express itself as emotions and memories.  Through this process, keep a journal or dream log and spend time sharing the insights gained from those interactions with your spiritual guide or with God. 

Accept that surrender is not a one-time thing.

The Third Step is not a one-and-done kind of situation.  Yes, the initial step to surrender is often the most significant.  But surrender to God is a process that will continue throughout your recovery journey in the rest of the steps.  You’ll recognize moments when you try to take back control in some area or another, or you resist the surrender God is calling you to.  Use those moments not to shame yourself, but as an opportunity to return and surrender to God.

Hooked on Porn? How Your Online Sexual Activities Might Hint at Sex and Love Addiction

When was the first time you used the internet?  Are you one of the generation that can still remember the sound of the modem booting up?  Or did you grow up with an iPhone in your pocket and and iPad keeping you entertained from as early as you can remember?

What about the first time you saw a pornographic image online?  Heard stories about internet predators asking to meet teenagers for sex?  Stumbled into an adult chat room or adult site without knowing how you got there?  For those of us who have used the internet at some point in our lives (which I would venture to say is all of us, especially if you’re reading this article now), we’ve likely also been exposed to sexual content that we didn’t bargain for.  Statistics state that 34% of people who use the internet have been accidentally exposed to pornographic images through popups, ads, spam, and other intrusive methods.

But sadly, it isn’t just the internet where explicit sexual images can be found.  All you have to do is turn on cable TV or Netflix and peruse the prestige TV shows to find graphic sexual scenes.  Images that once would have been considered pornographic or inappropriate for TV are now becoming commonplace and even normal.  We’ve become desensitized to sexual content.

34% of people who use the internet have been accidentally exposed to pornographic images through popups, ads, spam, and other intrusive methods.

For younger generations who had the easy accessibility of pornography on the internet, pornographic images and videos provided sex education.  The average age of first exposure to pornography is age 11.  It is easy to get hooked on these videos as a young age, as watching the films releases “feel-good” neurochemicals, such as dopamine, into your brain that are similar to those involved in sexual behavior.

To add fuel to the fire, cultural messages about pornography make it seem as though it is completely acceptable.  Teenagers are often introduced to porn because their friends are watching it.  Pop-up ads, spam emails, search terms, and mistyped URLs can easily lead children into a rabbit hole they didn’t know existed.  Women can be pressured by boyfriends to view porn because that’s how the boys learned about sex.

The average age of first exposure to pornography is 11.

What’s frightening about sexual content on the internet is how insidious its use can be in developing sexual addiction.  Sexual content combined with the trance-like nature of internet usage creates a dopamine rush that requires more and more intensity to get the same "high".  When we look at a statistic that says traffic on pornographic sites is higher than that of YouTube, Amazon, and Twitter combined, it is difficult to deny the potential for addiction.

Women also may struggle uniquely with shame around pornography use.  Although one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women, resources for support and help are often targeted toward men, and the cultural stereotype is that all men watch porn.  70 percent of women keep their porn use secret.  Due to the relational nature of adult chat rooms, many women are drawn to connect with others through this online world to fill their desire for intimacy. Similar to a relationship addict, these individuals can form intense relationships online that gives an unhealthy substitute for healthy intimacy.

Sexual content combined with the trance-like nature of internet usage creates a dopamine rush that requires more and more intensity to get the same "high".

Porn creates a fantasy world.   Pictures are edited and sexual acts are performed in a way that highlights certain physical features.  This sexual fantasy does not match up to reality, and it leads to a degradation of female sexuality and an idealization of sex. Pornography can lead an addict into what is referred to as “addict” time, where real time seems to slow down or stop, but actually passes quite quickly as the addict is consumed by pornographic images and becomes out of control.

Guilt and hiding associated with online sexual activities can actually contribute to a more powerful sexual experience, as it heightens adrenaline. This increased adrenaline can lead to more risky sexual behavior. Online sexual activities increase likelihood of affairs or the destruction of a person’s reputation if the online activities are shared publicly.

Although one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women, resources for support and help are often targeted toward men. The cultural stereotype is that all men watch porn.

Easy access of both pornography and cybersex through the Internet are opening up addicts to images and activities that they would not have known about previously. This can lead to obsessions with certain sexual images that become “burned-in” to your thought patterns. The Internet has plenty of opportunities to view these images, from the anonymity and ease of its use, marketing campaigns for pornographic sites that use sexual stimuli, trance-like behavior caused by computer use, and the use of denial because Internet activities are not “real.” Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the sex addiction field, describes that intrusive thoughts arise in much the same way as traumatic memories in trauma survivors, which affects the types of sexual behaviors they find arousing.

How can you tell if your online sexual behaviors might indicate sex and love addiction?

• Do you find yourself losing track of time when you engage in sexual activities online?

• Are your online sexual activities secret?

• Do you find yourself idealizing sex or viewing it as the ultimate expression of love after watching pornographic images online?

• Are you involved in intensely sexualized relationships with people you’ve met online and haven’t interacted with face-to-face?

• Do fantasies about sexual activity you’ve engaged in online overshadow or affect real face-to-face sexual intimacy?

• Are you turning to watching pornography compulsively in order to self-soothe, escape, or avoid painful feelings?

• Have you had interactions with ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, or strangers online that your spouse would be angry to see?

• Do you feel a rush or “high” when you start engaging in sexual behaviors online?

• Are you disgusted by the type of pornographic images that excite you?

• Do you tell yourself, “having sexual chats with people online doesn’t matter because it’s not real”?

The Seduction of Fantasy: Why Your Obsession with Romance and Fantasy Could Signal Sex and Love Addiction

Romance stories, books, and movies have been popular for ages.  You only have to look at the list of chickflicks and rom-coms showing in theaters and the romance novel section at Target to see the hold romance has in our psyche.  Even films completely unrelated to romance, like action movies, often have a plot thread involving a romantic or sexual storyline.  The recent surge in popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey book and movie franchise speaks to the attraction women have toward romance intertwined with sexual intimacy.

Many people find that they enjoy romantic movies or stories occasionally.  However, in some cases it has morphed into a behavior pattern that feels compulsive and out of control, a manifestation of sex and love addiction.  Women (and also at times men) can become overly dependent on romance as a way to escape difficult or painful feelings.  They may begin to read romance novels for hours on end, becoming irritable when they can’t get their “fix.”

The addictive grip of romance can feel similar to love addiction, with one major difference.  Romance addicts tend to be in love with the “chase,” or the pursuit of a romantic partner, according to Marnie Ferree in her book No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction.*  They find the intensity of the beginning stages of the relationship, the romantic gestures, the early expressions of love to be intoxicating.  But once the excitement wears off, they become bored.  Whereas a love addict seeks to find one individual to become completely dependent on and lose themselves in, often the romance addict is more obsessed with the thrill of the chase.

The chase can take place either in actual relationships, or it can be in the form of the emotional high that comes with romance in books, movies, or fantasy.  Romance addiction is a highly fantasy-driven manifestation of sex and love addiction.  The fantasies stem from the early exposure to media depictions of romance and become personalized to the addict.

Romance addiction can begin to intertwine with sexual addiction, as romance novels or films often carry an erotic element.  Similar to what is felt in love addiction, the message portrayed through these novels is that you cannot be happy without a romantic relationship, and if a relationship is difficult, it must not be true love.  Children’s stories beginning to cater to this message as well, as many Disney princess movies center around the development of a romantic relationship.  Even Christian romance novels can carry the same false fantasy of romance that leads into addiction, even without the erotic component.

The fantasy that is coupled with romance addiction can develop into its own addictive qualities that can affect marriages and relationships.  Addicts who are discontent with their current relationship or lack thereof may live in fantasy about the perfect mate, preferring the illusion to reality. This inevitably leads to dissatisfaction in real relationships, as actual relationships cannot measure up to the perfect mate. These fantasies can interfere in a couple’s sex life, as an addict can fantasize about other partners while having sex with his or her spouse.  These behaviors block intimacy with one’s spouse.  They also may lead to emotional affairs, which are just as damaging as sexual affairs.

What are some signs you might be struggling with romance addiction or fantasy addiction?

• Do you become consumed with reading romance novels or watching romantic movies for hours on end?

• Is your fantasy life interfering with your daily activities, distracting you, or making you less productive?

• Do you become irritable when you can’t get your fix from reading or watching romantic materials?

• Are you constantly dissatisfied in your romantic relationships, as they don’t measure up to what you fantasize about or expected based on depictions of relationships in the media?

• Do you find yourself daydreaming or fantasizing often about romantic or sexual encounters?

• Are you more excited by the intensity and thrill of the beginning of a relationship than the commitment that comes afterward?

• Do you find yourself fantasizing about other partners while being intimate with your spouse?

• Are you hyper-aware of the attention that you can get from the opposite sex by the way you dress or look?

• Do you find yourself having obsessive thoughts and fantasies about relationships with people you’ve just met?

• Is it difficult to stay in the present moment with your children, spouse, or friends because you’re caught up in a fantasy world that feels out of control?

Step Two: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

Admitting our powerlessness over our addictive behaviors is incredibly important on the road to healing.  But this admission is not a magic fix.  The question soon follows: who, or what, will help us overcome?

You’ve likely had the thought that you could stop your addictive behavior if you just tried harder.  There are a multitude of different strategies we use to try to stop.  This overconfidence and self-reliance ultimately backfire, and it becomes easier than ever to become entrenched in the addictive behavior once more.

A common reminder to addicts from AA is that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  Achieving sanity involves accepting your need for help and seeking a new path to healing.  Observe the strategies of the others in your 12 Step group – how have they learned to overcome?  You’ll find a solid foundation in a Higher Power that can free them from the weight of this addictive behavior.  For our purposes, we’ll refer to this Higher Power as God.

What if I don’t believe in God?  Or what if I don’t trust Him?

Step Two can be fraught with unease or uncertainty based on your experiences with faith.  You may have had strict religious parents who taught you about a punishing God.  You may have minimal experience with spirituality, but assume it’s not for you based on depictions in media or news.  You may have attended a church and received wounds or pain from church leadership or other Christians, and felt alienated from God as a result.

Add to this the stigma of sexual addiction, and you might find yourself experiencing intense shame in churches.  Maybe religion has been a way for you to beat yourself up for the addiction or make up for the wrongs you’ve done in your addictive behavior.

When this is the case, my encouragement to you is to be open to trying out faith.  As we know from the Stocksdale paradox, finding meaning and purpose for a future without addiction will be the biggest motivator to get you through the pain of withdrawal.  Meaning and purpose are often found in spirituality or relationship with God.  Your openness to explore and curiosity about what spirituality or relationship with God might look like for you are steps toward this mission and purpose for the future.

Working Step Two

Examine your relationship with trust.

Trust isn’t easy, especially if you’ve had your trust betrayed in the past.  I’ve experienced this before when I believed that I had to do everything on my own if I wanted it to be done right.  Another common way you might experience distrust involves hiding information or deceiving those around us.  Deception is a significant part of addiction because it can feel incredibly vulnerable to trust someone with our deepest, darkest secrets.

When you’re asked to trust someone else, what does it feel like?  Do you have difficulty trusting others?  What happens when you need help – do you ask for it, or do you try to make it on your own?  Were you able to trust your parents or caregivers growing up?  Exploring this relationship with trust has direct implications for your relationship with God.  Often if we struggle to trust others or ask for help, we see ourselves responding the same way with God.

Explore the image you have of God.

What comes to mind when you think of God?  Before I was a Christian, I always imagined a mix between Santa and Zeus – a big man with a thick white beard and white robes sitting on a cloud and looking down on the world.  A.W. Tozer, a noted theologian, says in his book The Knowledge of the Holy* that what comes to mind when we think of God is the most important thing about us. 

How did you imagine God as a child?  What did your family members think or teach about God?  How did that image change or stay the same when you grew into an adult?  What views does your spouse or friends have about God?  Draw a picture of what you imagined God to be like in the past and present.

Identify the roadblocks.

This exploration may lead to a clear idea of what’s standing in the way of trusting God.  Whether it’s based on past failures of trust with loved ones or wrapped up in an image of a distant, accusatory figure, we can see the impacts of early beliefs about God on our present-day spiritual life.

Be patient with yourself as you seek to break down those roadblocks.  Especially if you’ve had destructive views of God in the past, it likely won’t be an easy task to begin to trust Him.  At first, it may be that the only connection you can have with God comes from observing others in the group who have relationship with Him.  Let this be enough for now and seek to be open to experiencing a similar relationship with God as you work this step.

Begin a daily spiritual practice.

Imagine that you’re searching for a dress or suit to buy for an upcoming formal event.  You might look online at a few options, doing some research into styles, colors, and fabrics you like.  When it comes to choosing a size, you might compare the suggested measurements to your own in order to guess how it might fit.  But even if you do the greatest depth of research possible, you won’t truly know how the dress or suit fits until you’re able to try it on.

Similarly, we can approach understanding faith like an intellectual exercise: we read the Bible, debate with others, and try to reason our way into understanding God.  But we can never truly understand the experience of being a Christian until we “try on” the practices of the faith.

Begin attending a church service or Mass.  Seek a daily prayer and meditation time where you read the Bible and journal or pray what’s on your mind.  Practice communion.  Connect with Christian believers through a Bible study or home church.  Get a feel for what the spiritual life could look like for you.

Write a prayer affirming your trust.

When you’ve completed these exercises, you’ll become aware of some areas where it is easy to trust God, and other areas where it is significantly more difficult.  As you begin to think God’s trustworthiness, I encourage you to write a prayer to God both naming the insecurities that you may feel about trusting Him, while also affirming your choice to trust him.  There are several Psalms that provide great examples of this pattern: Psalm 22 and Psalm 31 are a few favorites.

Identify affirmations of truth about your trust in God.

You may notice how often we as humans are directed by our thoughts and emotions, even if those thoughts are distorted or skewed by addicted thought patterns.  Once you’ve made the commitment to seek trusting God, your thoughts can derail this commitment if you aren’t conscious of their impact.

Take time to select a few Bible verses or other affirmations that help remind you that you are able to trust God.  I particularly like Philippians 2:13, “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.”  Also good are Isaiah 26:4 “Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock” and Jeremiah 17:7, ““But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.”  Memorizing one of these short Scripture verses can help you to remind yourself of truth when it feels difficult to trust.

Step One: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we’ll be starting a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out our introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over ________________ (alcohol, sexual behaviors, addictive relationships) – that our lives had become unmanageable. 

The First step involves two major concepts: powerlessness and unmanageability.  Powerless is defined by not being able to stop your behavior, or realizing you are held captive by your addiction.  You might be absorbed in another person through a love addiction or feel ruled by sexual obsession in sex addiction.  Only the hit of the sexual relationship brings a lift to your mood, which reveals a dependency on that dopamine rush.  Ultimately, powerlessness means that the efforts you make to stop or control the behaviors are not working.

Unmanageability takes this addictive process a step further.  Your life begins to spin out of control. The damage extends further than you could’ve imagined or anticipated.  Your core values in life are threatened as the addiction tells you it’s the only thing giving you meaning.  You feel crazy and out of control, beginning to see the lasting consequences of your behavior.

In the introduction to this series, we talked about the Stocksdale paradox: the importance of holding out hope for the future while not losing sight of how bad the addiction is in this moment.  Working Step One involves breaking through denial to show you just how the addiction is destroying your life, while also giving you a vision of what’s yet to come.

Know there is hope for the future.

Write a list of affirmations and review them daily.

Messages of shame and pain will abound as you start to work through your first step.  To combat the potential for emotional devastation, remind yourself of truth about who you are and your abilities to cope.  Affirmations help you to reprogram your brain away from the negative and shaming words you use to describe yourself that you’ve been using since childhood.  Write an affirmation down in a place where you can see it often to get you through. 

Approach this process with gentleness.

One thing I love about the book Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps* is that encourages these levels of gentleness with yourself.  Know that this is a process, that it takes time, and use the support that you have through your Twelve Step group and your sponsor to encourage you and help you along the way.

Imagine what your life might look like if you were completely free.

When you’re feeling the weight of your addiction, imagine your life without sexual or relational obsessions.  What would you spend your time doing?  What are things you would pursue that you can’t now because of the time spent on your addictive behaviors?  What are the relationships you could build into?  Become aware of how changing addictive behavior might cause you to look inward, being available to what might happen next within yourself.

Make top lines and bottom lines.

“Top lines” and “bottom lines” are a common way to establish sobriety early in the progrm.  Bottom lines are addictive behaviors from which you want to abstain, while top lines are healthy behaviors you want to be pursuing.  Include any addictive behavior in the bottom lines, taking care not to exclude behaviors so you can find a loophole later.  As they say in Twelve Step, there is no such thing as half-surrender.  Begin the process of abstaining from the addictive behavior defined in your bottom lines, taking it one day at a time.

See the reality of how bad your addiction is.

Take an inventory of addictive behaviors you’ve struggled with, past or present.

Write a list of all the disordered sexual behaviors you find problematic in your life.  If you’ve struggled with any addictive behaviors previously or currently, add those to the list.  As a litmus test, look at any behaviors that you’re trying to hide or cover over.  Are you minimizing, obsessing, fantasizing, or lying in any way?  Where do you feel you lose yourself?  This can be substance based (drug, alcohol, caffeine) or process based (food, sex, gambling).  Pay attention to behaviors where you spend a significant amount of time or money or those that function as an escape or identity, like TV, shopping, or work.

List all the ways you’ve tried to control or stop the behaviors that haven’t worked.

Understanding your powerlessness to stop your addictive behaviors is one of the first and most important steps to breaking through denial.  Listing these cold hard facts about past combats the lie of denial that tells you that you could only stop if you just tried harder.

List the consequences you’ve experienced as a result of your addictive behaviors.

Unmanageability often shows its true colors as you begin to see the consequences of your acting out.  Identify multiple different areas of consequences: emotional, spiritual, family, financial, legal (risk or actual), physical, mental.  Acknowledge the reality of how addiction has destroyed your life.

Look at the influence of addiction and abuse in your family.

Make a family tree or an outline of all your family members for patterns of addiction, codependency, or avoidant behavior.  Pay attention to your own history of abuse that you experienced both inside and outside your family.  Identify physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual categories of abuse, as well as the length of time and intensity of the abuse.  Notice if there are any family members that you know experienced abuse.

Note that abandonment also can play a role in addictive behavior, and is often more insidious than abuse, as it is less noticeable.  There are no visible bruises that signify neglect, and yet feeling unloved and isolated can drive many into addictive behaviors.  Notice areas of abandonment in physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual realms as well.

Make a sexual history timeline.

Separate your life into time periods of 5 or 10 years at a time and identify different messages and experiences you had around sex and sexuality during those time frames.  Trace your experience of addictive history as it relates to these experiences.

Maintain humility.

It can be easy to feel proud or smug as you go through your First Step and begin to experience the benefits of sobriety.  This is a setup for relapse.  Instead, maintain awareness of your powerlessness and unmanageability throughout the entire process, and surrender to those concepts.

Share your first step at a 12 Step meeting.

Once you’ve compiled this information (often with the help of a sponsor or other Twelve Step group members), completing the first step involves sharing it openly and honestly.  Typically you begin by sharing with your sponsor before sharing with the larger group, and with their help you can edit the information to share what feels safe within the meeting space.

Getting Ready: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we’ll be starting a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  Our specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Today’s post will be your getting-started guide, full of ideas for what you need to begin this journey.  Next week we’ll start the process of delving into the First Step.

When a recently self-named addict shows up at their first Twelve Step meeting, they likely bring a sense of hopelessness to their recovery.  They might say things like, “How can anything get better?  I’ve hit rock bottom.  I can’t stop obsessing – it’s like a magnet pulling me back in.”

Other times, the addict might come in with all sorts of denial still at play.  This might look like statements of, “Was it really that bad?  I don’t think I have a problem.  Addict?  I don’t think so.  If I were satisfied in my sex life at home, I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.”

Being willing to acknowledge an addiction means we have to admit that whatever we struggle with has become our God.  You can see the red flags in the constant obsession over getting our next “fix,” and the irritation that comes when we’re denied it. Addiction shows itself when no matter how hard we try, we can’t eliminate the behavior or substance from our lives.

Do any of these experiences sound familiar to you?  Do you tend to be more hopeless, or struggle more with denial?

We’ve talked about the impact of the Stocksdale paradox on finding a vision for our lives and recovery.  We have to understand how bad our problem is and how much it has affected our life while simultaneously maintaining hope for the future.  Walking through the Twelve Steps requires and challenges you to maintain this while pursuing freedom from addictive behavior.

For most addicts, you much choose to engage in this process.  It can be a difficult choice to make.  It can often feel easier to stay on the path of self-medication and ensuing self-destruction.  But making the choice to come to your own rescue and fight for health and freedom are choices you will not regret.

What do I need before I get started working the steps?

First and most importantly, join a Twelve Step group specific to your addictive behavior to access support from other group members and find a sponsor.  Receiving help is a huge part of admitting powerlessness over your addictive behavior.  Working the Twelve Steps is a grueling and difficult process, and stepping in with a trusted support network at your back will help you to handle the stress of it.  Do continue to get support from pre-existing relationships, but alongside that, look for a specific Twelve Step group for the issue you’re facing.  Work with people who understand how your addiction feels and how to engage the steps in this particular area.

A therapist can be a crucial part of this process, especially as you dive into your family history and history of abuse.  Realizing these painful memories and delving back into your past can be hard, and having the support of a trained professional can help.

Involvement in community and choosing total honesty might be the hardest part of working the Steps for you.  If you’re struggled with addictive behaviors, it likely connects to memories of abuse or wounds from people you cared about.  This makes it difficult to trust new people.  Sex and love addiction, as an intimacy disorder, often also carries with it a fear of true intimacy, which is needed to adequately receive support. 

Ask yourself this question: what is holding me back from working through these Twelve Steps?

Is it fear of what could come as a result?  Resistance to giving up the behavior or substance that you’ve used to self-medicate all these years?  Avoidance of having to be honest and feeling the ensuing guilt? Disdain for the process and assurance that you could just stop if you tried harder?  Hopelessness that you’ll ever get out of addictive patterns?

Pay attention to any pushback you might feel.  Know that you can feel uncertain and still choose to try the process.  You don’t have to be 100% in at first to benefit from a group or meeting with a sponsor.  Take one small step today to begin to move into healing.

Book Recommendations

As a unapologetic book nerd, my first place to go when I’m wanting to learn about a new topic is books.  As we’ll be exploring these Twelve Steps together in the upcoming months, I wanted to point out some resources that have been helpful for me in learning about addiction as well as getting specific help for the Twelve Steps,

No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction by Marnie Ferree

Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Patrick Carnes

The Green Book of Sex Addicts Anonymous

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: The Basic Text

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Grab a notebook and pen, one of these texts, and save a link to this blog to get monthly updates on how to engage with each of these steps.  Look for the next one coming your way next week!

Addicted to Love: Signs You Might Be Struggling With Love Addiction

What image comes to mind as the perfect romantic relationship?  Where did you get those ideas? From observing your parents?  From movies, TV, books?  While in my undergraduate social psychology class, I was shocked by the results of a project where I viewed television shows watched by teenagers and recorded examples of sexual content and stereotypes about men and women.  Even seemingly innocuous shows had subtle sexism or distorted messages about love and relationships.

You only have to turn on The Bachelor or the Hallmark channel to see that we are a people in love with love.  For every cheesy Nicholas Sparks movie and Disney princess who needs only to find her prince, there are messages across all forms of media that imply that, in order to have value or worth, a woman must be loved by someone. The sad truth is that these messages tend to stick in girls’ minds at a young age, leading them to believe that they are worthless without a man.

In some cases, this can become a constant, obsessive search to find acceptance and value through romantic relationships.  Particularly when combined with the deadly cocktail of abuse and trauma, this striving for the perfect relationship can develop into a full-blown love addiction.

In her book No Stones, Marnie Ferree defines relationship, or love, addiction as a compulsive pattern of extramarital affairs or promiscuity, whether married or single.  Pia Mellody, an expert in the field of love addiction and codependence, defines a love addict in her book as “someone who is dependent on, enmeshed with, and compulsively focused on taking care of another person.”  She identifies that this is often based on a pattern of codependence, where self-esteem and self-value are wrapped up in how their romantic partner views them.

Ferree’s research showed women tend more toward love addiction than men, simply because women are more relational.  Love addicts seek to find satisfaction in relationships, often starting a new relationship soon after the end of another. These relationships are not necessarily sexual, although that often develops as a component.  Love addiction can lead to romantic relationships outside of your identified sexual orientation as you become consumed with another person. The emotional and sexual intensity in these relationships is mistaken for the intimacy the addict craves.

Codependence and love addiction are often confused, particularly since codependence and enmeshment are hallmark traits of love addiction. Mellody emphasizes that love addicts are more significantly characterized by low self-esteem and inability to care for themselves.  In some ways, love addiction can become a drug of choice to deal with codependence, rather than other addictive behaviors that codependents can turn to. 

Ultimately, love addiction is a disorder of intimacy.  It is a compulsive obsession with absorbing yourself in a relationship with another person in order to define yourself, find value, and believe you are worthy.  It creates a distorted façade of intimacy that prevents the addict from being abandoned by their lover, but prevents healthy intimate relationships from forming.

At this point, you may be wondering if this particular struggle applies to you.  Ask yourself these questions to see if you might have a problem with love addiction:

• Do you obsess constantly over relationships?

• Do you compulsively move from relationship to relationship, unhappy but unable to leave?

• Do you try to end or leave unhealthy relationships, but always seem to find yourself coming back to them because you hate being alone?

• Do you feel completely consumed by another person, to the point that you forget all about other obligations and responsibilities you have?

• Do you keep trying to stop these relationships, but find that you’re powerless to do so?

• Do you spend significantly more time and energy on your romantic partner than you do on your own self-care?

• Do you expect your partner to constantly validate and affirm you, and then feel devastation and self-hatred when they don’t?

• Are you terrified of being abandoned by your significant other?

• Is your self-esteem or self-worth dependent on your partner’s view of you?

• Do you depend on other addictive behavior (alcohol, drugs, sex, food) to cope with the pain and stress of ending a relationship?

• Do you act in ways that are contrary to your values in order to keep your primary relationship at whatever cost?

• Do you have a pattern of multiple affairs or cheating?